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youcouldmakealife · 5 months

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LBTE: Jared (136-137)

I love it when a plan comes together. Especially when, as in this case, the plan has been in motion for years (on my part, at least. More of a day-to-day thing on theirs)

If you want to follow along, you can here.

136. Hostage Negotiations

Fans howling or not: he’s a star player and you do not hand a star player to your divisional rival. You just don’t. Unless you’re like, the Leafs back in the day, but Lapointe had a bad season before that, and Jared suspects that deal was made on the winged feet of homophobia. The former GM of the Leafs and Deslauriers are probably poker buddies or something.

I like to picture the Old Boy’s Club as a real thing sometimes. It’s at a golf course, naturally. The only women are decorative. Scotch and cigars and toxic masculinity and white privilege and unearned cockiness. Random deer skulls because they like to mount their trophies. Etc.

“I mean, I hope I’m staying in the West,” Bryce says. “Calgary’s probably going to start reaching out, seeing who’s interested, ship me off before the NTC kicks in.

That would certainly be the clever thing to do, considering how few options they’ll have come July 1st. But then, when have the Flames done the clever thing in this universe?

The Senators beat the Scouts in a massive upset.

Scratch and Money become ScratchnMoney. And a Cup for Dan and the boys!

Greg goes back and forth with the Canucks. They ask for 5.5, even though Jared would have been content with the initial 4.5 offer, told him that, Greg exasperated with him on the other side of the phone. The Canucks agree to 5. He knows the two years combined are less than Bryce makes in a single year, but it’s — huge to him. They send him the papers, and Jared doesn’t know whether to sign them or not.

That’s 2.5 AAV on a two year deal, which is pretty fair as far as bridge deals go for a middle-sixer you use heavily on special teams. Jared could have, but didn’t want to sign for longer, with no idea where Bryce was going to be in two months, let alone two years.

“Still,” Jared says. “Foster’s like — he seems like a genuinely nice guy, maybe he’d—”

“He’s a GM, babe,” Bryce says. “He’s not going to just let you like, go because of love or whatever. It’s a business.”

If any GM would…

Jared signs everywhere he’s supposed to sign it, and that’s it. He’s a Canuck for two more years. Bryce has two more years on his contract, so — maybe in two years they’ll figure it out, manage to get to the same place together. It’s hard to be happy about that when two years sounds like, well, two years, when Bryce is already frayed close to snapping.

Obviously the situation is vastly improved very shortly, but I think Bryce going just about anywhere would have probably improved his mental state, though being in the East would be undoubtedly hard on them as a couple.

They crack open a nice bottle of wine, eat good dad cooking, and Jared gets his hair ruffled by his parents like, a billion times, like being a millionaire means they get to treat him like a kid again.

Jared gets so huffy when people fuck with his hair. Which of course both parents are aware of. Gotta keep him humble. (They’re also, you know, proud of their boy!)

“You were already a millionaire,” Erin says, her hand outstretched. Jared eyes it.

“What was your signing bonus, Jared?” Erin asks sweetly.

“Nothing,” Jared says. “Not a cent.”

“Jared,” Erin says, hand still outstretched. “The internet exists. It is literally public knowledge.”

Money please.

It was a quarter of a million dollars of his contract up front and Jared isn’t going to give her any of it. He already offered his parents a cheque and was rebuked and then offered again, citing financial support being the reason he had a hockey career, and had it very grudgingly accepted.

They both have well-paying middle-class jobs and aren’t hurting for money, but they are currently paying for Erin’s schooling and expenses, so it is eventually accepted (very grudgingly).

“Am I boring?” Jared says.

“You are the most exciting person in the world,” Bryce tells him, all earnestness, and takes his hand at the next red light.

Jared squeezes, then lets go. “Both hands on the wheel, babe,” he says.

“You can sometimes be a little boring,” Bryce says.

I mean —

Free-agency comes Bryce is still a Flame, which means all the leverage is his now.

Dropped a punctuation mark and/or word, whoops.

“Who’re your three?” Jared asks that night, fingers running through Bryce’s hair as Bryce drowses beside him.

“I haven’t decided yet,” Bryce says. “Like, I’m going to put Vancouver on it, obviously, but it’s just going to be a flat out no from them.”

“I know,” Jared says.

“If they gave in they’d ask Vancouver for way too much in return and they’d say no,” Bryce says.

“I know,” Jared repeats.

Bryce blows out a breath. “I wanna go so bad,” he says. “I just—”

The scheming is underway.

“I trust you in absolutely everything,” Bryce says solemnly, which automatically puts Jared on guard.

“Except?” Jared says.

“Be patient with me during the negotiations?” Bryce says.

Dave’s now involved in the scheming.

“Are you going to be booed the next time you play in the Saddledome?” Jared says.

Bryce smiles, and Jared doesn’t care if that means Bryce is playing further from him, that they may give up the apartment that’s felt like home since Jared was seventeen. He doesn’t care. Bryce smiled.

Jared really would light the Saddledome on fire for him. And not figuratively speaking.

137. Culmination

It’s all of twenty four hours after Summers comes to town that Bryce literally comes jogging in the door, yelling, “J?” like Jared isn’t sitting on the couch ten feet away from him half-watching the news. One nice thing about living in Vancouver is he doesn’t have to listen to the fucking UCP. “J, turn off your phone.”

He ran the entire way home. It was not a long run — partly due to distance, partly due to speed. He wanted Jared to hear it from him, especially if the ‘Bryce Marcus to Tampa’ came separate from the follow up ‘and then to Vancouver’.

“Your phone was about to go crazy and I need to tell you this before someone else does,” Bryce says, kneeling in front of him like he did last night, clean pressed suit and earnest eyes. “I’ve gotta sign papers still but—”

Practically a proposal, which is fitting because Bryce just did everything in his power to be where Jared was. And yes, it’s his hometown, and his childhood team, and his mom’s there, but he would have done it wherever Jared was (would have been easier to swing, in fact, were they not divisional opponents)

“Please tell me it’s a Western Conference team,” Jared says.

“It is,” Bryce says.

“If it’s Edmonton I’m going to be—” Jared says.

Bryce kisses him. “Shut up for a second,” he says.

Jared scowls, but does.

He knows your proposal derailing ways, Matheson.

“Three teams on my list,” Bryce says. “They picked one of them.”

“They would have to if you’ve been traded, unless you waived your NTC,” Jared says. “You know I know all of this, stop being all weird and cryptic and—”

Jared let him explain his and Dave’s plan to you, he wants you to be proud of his scheming!!!

“Tampa’s over the cap,” Bryce says. “And they were desperate to shed salary so they could re-sign Tanner before someone bit and offer-sheeted him and they gave Calgary Schlitz and Barbieri and a second for me.”

Dear RL NHL GMs: use more offer sheets, you utter cowards!!!

So, deal wise, Tampa comes out of this very nicely. They get cap space they needed, they shed good but too expensive players, and they trade a second for a first (from Vancouver when they flip Bryce), and a goalie prospect when they don’t have anyone particularly promising in the prospect pool.

Calgary gets a decent if not terrific haul from Tampa, and it looks like an okay if not great deal for them, but understandable given the short trade list. Until, well. The second flip. Then they look like dupes.

“Tampa can’t afford to keep me,” Bryce says. “Which is why Vancouver offered Tampa a first, a third, and a goalie prospect because Summers told Foster, strictly off the record, I’d re-sign in a heartbeat when my term was up and I’d give them a significant hometown discount when I did as long as my husband was still in the Canucks line-up when that time came. Do not fucking tell anyone that last part, not even your parents or my mom.”

Obviously Vancouver is over the moon about getting Bryce. Hometown hero, on a sweetheart deal for two more years, going to sign for cheap as long as Jared’s by his side.

Dave Summers was in violation of NHL rules and ethics for conveying that message to Vancouver and we should all tsk and shake our heads. (But we’re not gonna)

Jared beams at Bryce.

Bryce beams back.

This is what we’re doing instead.

“I can’t believe I made you this Machiavellian,” Jared says.

He’s so proud.

He IS so proud of your scheming, Bryce!

“They weren’t really — big on moving me at first,” Bryce says. “Like, even with the media shit and all, I’m on a deal that was pretty normal then but cheap now and they figured my play was back on track so like, may as well wait, see if they could get more for me next season at the trade deadline or throw me at someone before I was a UFA. So I maybe like, held out until my NTC kicked in and then mentioned that my trade value was higher right now because I hadn’t come out yet and I was considering it.”

This isn’t technically against rules or ethics because ‘player wants to come out’ is legally protected, at least in Canada, but you know, it's probably not morally in the clear. But I think weaponizing your sexuality against bosses who have been absolute shits about it falls under ‘they have it coming’ branch of ethics, ie: karma’s a bitch and so am I.

“You’re not considering it,” Jared says. If Bryce was even remotely considering it, Jared would have caught on.

Bryce shakes his head. “Not to media,” he says.

Famous last words, though that shoe won’t drop for a year and a half.

They're both smiling too hard for the kiss to be any good but Jared doesn't give a fuck, he hauls him in, tastes Bryce’s smile against his own, feeling like he can breathe easily for the first time in months.

All of Jared’s favourite kisses with Bryce are objectively bad because they all involve them both beaming their faces off and I love that, especially since Jared isn’t much of a grinner. (Bryce increasingly is, especially after moving to Vancouver, but Jared mentions Bryce grinning so much you’d think he has a perma-grin — he doesn’t, except around Jared.)

As much as ‘actually on the same team now’ calls for some terrific celebratory sex, it’s going to have to wait. Bryce has papers to sign. They have people to talk to. They are grown ass adults who cannot have celebratory sex.

Maturity is so boring.

“Foster wants to talk to you?” Bryce says.

Jared takes the phone.

“Hi Jared,” Foster says.

There’s a bit of a laugh in Brian’s voice right there because he’s been gleefully laughing to himself all day. He did absolutely nothing to earn this deal that makes him look like a genius except be a stand up guy and I am delighted for him.

“You tell Bryce he has the biggest brass balls I’ve ever seen,” his dad says.

This is the most Don has ever liked Bryce. And really the moment Don puts down the Flames fandom. He doesn’t know what was involved, but he suspected it was complicated, and that Bryce did some shit, and that he did that shit so he could be with his son, and Don can’t not admire that. (Also the brass balls.)

“How’d he keep this a secret?” Elaine says, now sounding completely incredulous.

Bryce is way better at keeping secrets than Jared or Elaine. But only if he considers the secrets GOOD secrets. Like ‘I want to marry you, I bought a ring’ — hidden for months. ‘I have been setting up a charity’ — four months of steady work before he felt confident letting Jared know about it. And some of that is Jared being oblivious, but Bryce is perfectly good at hiding something he considers a surprise rather than a secret.

He’s got a next text when he gets off the phone with her, Stephen has not stopped laughing since we found out. Legit is going to make himself puke. Imagine you’re slammed right now but give us a call when you get a minute?

Stephen is DELIGHTED by this. Gabe’s a little concerned honestly, the dude is puce coloured at this point.

“They’re going to boo you,” Jared says.

“I know,” Bryce says.

“Not just the first time,” Jared says. “They’re probably going to do it for years. They might do it for the rest of your career.”

Bryce shrugs. “I know.”

A lot of Bryce’s complete and utter exhaustion in the run up to this deal involved him coming to terms with and making peace with that fact; that he was going to leave Calgary on poor terms, that he was going to get a boo from the crowd rather than a tribute video and a standing ovation. And this was going to happen no matter where he went, but yes, going to Vancouver significantly upped the chances of that happening for the rest of his career.

Bryce shrugs again. “It’s going to suck,” he says. “I’m probably going to feel like shit. But like. I get to play for my hometown team, and live with you all year round, and be near my mom and my grandparents and it’s like — it’s worth it, so. Whatever I have to deal with, I’ll deal with. Plus like, it’s nice knowing going in that it won’t be a shitty room. Because if it was a shitty room you would have bitched about it. Hell, you bitched about the Oilers’ room being nice.”

How dare Darryl Rogers exist, being friendly and supportive to rookies.

“Well,” Jared says. Fair. Stupid Darryl Rogers being a nice guy and welcoming him kindly.

Literally Jared, tho.

“Dmitry—”

“Sounds like a totally normal dude, you just hate everyone,” Bryce says.

This is also probably fair.

“He pied my face,” Jared says. “Twice.”

“On your birthday,” Bryce says. “With shaving cream. Which is a tradition.”

“He pied my face,” Jared mutters.

God I love Jared.

“Want to rail me in your Canucks jersey?” Bryce asks.

I would suggest against this for purely Pavlovian reasons, but you do you boys.

Canucks blue really brings out Bryce’s eyes. It’s like, stunning, how beautiful they look.

“Less talk about my eyes, more getting your dick in me,” Bryce says.

The ONE time Jared tries to be romantic.

“Look at me?” Jared says, and when Bryce does, his eyes are so fucking blue.

“Vancouver,” Jared says, and tastes the grin that spills across Bryce’s face in response.

They did it!!! Took 137 parts, but they made it to the same place!

#liveblogging the end

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askthestans · 10 months

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Hey, eh, not sure if you're aware, but there are plenty of Mabel haters who like to blame her for causing Weirdmagaddeon and claiming she doesn't take any responsibility for it. What do you say to those accusations against your grandniece?

Stanley: I, uh... what? Excuse me? People hatin' on Mabel? Is that even a thing? Has the internet seen how much of a rainbow ray of sunshine that gal is? I'm a grumpy old conman, Ford's an egotistical, nerdy old fart, Dipper's a paranoid, insecure dweeb, and... people love us and hate Mabel? Why do they look past our flaws and not hers? Not that she has many, mind you. What, she's a little hyper sometimes and wanted her brother to stay? She's just excited about life and loves her family! How can you fault that?

And Mabel causin' Weirdmageddon? What kind of S&P approved substances have these folks been smokin'? *He turns to the side and calls up the stairs.*

Ford! Get your ass down here! I need you to help me argue with people! *Footsteps thunder down the stairs and Ford comes rushing in.*

Stanford: What is it about? And how many explosions do I need to get my point across? *He starts to dig through his trench coat.*

Stanley: Ford, no. Not again. We don't need to make any more insurance claims today.

Stanford: *His hand freezes in his coat, but he doesn't fully let go of whatever's inside. His expression is stern and serious, like a child defying their parent after being told to get their hand out of the cookie jar.* Stanley: Ford!

Stanford: *Rolls his eyes and sighs, letting his hand fall out of his coat again.* Fine, fine, have it your way. I'll just have to utterly and completely decimate them using my brain. Honestly, the plasma grenades would have been the more humane option. Anyways, what are we arguing about?

Stanley: *Points to the question.*

Stanford: *Leans forward, adjusts glasses, and squints, one brow raising more as he reads. Then he pauses, a furious glare to his brown eyes, and then... he bursts out laughing.*

Stanley: *Also laughing.* I know, I know, right? Okay, internet fans, let's get this straight: we all played a part in Weirdmageddon, I'll be honest. Ford started it all by lettin' Bill wine and dine 'im because of his ego problems.

Stanford: Stan is right. I was a fool to trust Bill. He took advantage of my endless need for validation. And then because of my fight with Stan over stupid unresolved issues, Stan was bitter about saving me during Weirdmageddon and then... I corrected his grammar at the worst moment possible.

Stanley: And then I tackled Sixer here. Also at the worst moment possible.

*More footsteps can be heard coming down the stairs. Stan and Ford turn to see that Dipper and Mabel peeking around the doorway.*

Stanford: Hey, kids. Stan and I were just talking about-

Dipper: Weirdmageddon? *Dipper hangs his head a bit and sighs.* Yeah, we heard. That was all our faults. But-

Mabel: *She smiles.* We all also played a part in fixing it! Wait... *She walks up to the computer and sees the question. Stan and Ford try to hide it quick, but she manages to peek through their arms.* People on the internet think I was the main reason for Weirdmageddon?

But... that's not true... right?

Stanford: *Slowly reaching into his trench coat for the grenades again upon seeing Mabel crying, with the look of someone about to unleash hell.*

Stanley: *Nods seriously to Ford, finally agreeing that maybe the grenades are a good idea as he starts to pull brass knuckles and an insurance business card out of his own pockets, then turns to Mabel with a warm smile, hiding the brass knuckles behind his back.* Pumpkin, of course it's not true! Hey, hey, don't listen to those idiots on the internet that this asker mentioned. Like you and Dips said, we're all at fault for Weirdmageddon, me and Ford the most! We're adults and we screwed up harder than anyone involved. You're just kids. We're nearly 60 and couldn't get along. You were 12 and showed us what we'd forgotten.

Dipper: But seriously... like... *Dipper glances at the screen for a moment, staring directly at the internet with cold, intense, dark-circled eyes, fueled by many sleepless nights of tinfoil hattery.* Wasn't the point of all that to show that family is important, how to trust again after it's been broken, and the value of mending relationships despite past hurts? That what really matters in the end is forgiveness and giving up ego for the sake of love? That people in broken family relationships can both be at fault and flawed?

Stanley: Never mind the whole 'bein' stubborn and unforgiving and unable to admit faults' caused me and Ford decades of suffering that could have been resolved had we just sucked it up and forgiven each other? *Stan glares at the screen.* That Mabel and Dipper avoided because they followed me and Ford's example of what not to let happen?

Stanford: *Also looking at the computer screen now, as if staring directly at the internet, breaking some kind of numbered wall.* Have any of you ever heard of character arcs? The rift metaphor? Was the whole two sets of twins thing not obvious enough parallelism and juxtaposition for you? Was Stan defeating Bill with the power of love for family not enough of a, shall we say, punch to the face of some major symbolism we let you watch the worst moments of our lives for?

Dipper: *Narrowing his eyes further.* I bet they don't even know what a theme is...

*Mabel still is sniffling in the background.*

Stanley: Mabel, sweetie, why don't you go upstairs for a few minutes? Me and Ford and Dips here will finish this ask. Get yourself a cookie and we'll handle this.

*Mabel leaves, still sniffling.*

*Stan turns to the computer with his brass knuckles. Ford adjusts his glasses and pulls out grenades. Dipper pulls out a hefty book from his vest.*

Stanley: Internet, listen here and listen good! You've got ten seconds to apologize to Mabel, or you're gonna get the Pines family special.

Stanford: *Says nothing, but casts an unhinged smile.*

Dipper: *Raises book above his head.* Grr....

#gravity falls #askthestans #stanley pines #stanford pines #ford pines #dipper pines #mabel pines #pines family #seriously though folks they're all at fault for weirdmageddon

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