had a fucking MOMENT with my bike yesterday (could not get the wheel off bc of the brake. i know how to now bc a very nice old man showed me today. but) and ended up leaving it in the sallys storeroom overnight. i dont work there. they are literally so nice to me TT_TT

cool, i have an hour to kill so im jst going to answer this dumb ask meme that i saw on my dash under a cut, bc i definitely do not have enough followers to engage w stuff like this the normal way

Spotify, SoundCloud, or Pandora?  spotify

is your room messy or clean? messy

what color are your eyes? brown

do you like your name? why? i’ve hated it for as long as i can remember. thinking it’s jst the combination of it being an unusual first name, being picked on for it a lot bc kids are mean, and having everyone around me insist that i’d love my name come adulthood bc it never ended up happening. i still want to change it legally but i have to figure out something i won’t tire of. “jackie” is working for now but idk abt committing to that one

what is your relationship status? disinterested

describe your personality in 3 words or less turbulent

what color hair do you have? dark brown

what kind of car do you drive? color? blue honda civic

where do you shop? forever 21, h&m, a few places online

how would you describe your style? trying too hard

favorite social media account i like kbnoswag on twitter lmao

what size bed do you have? queen

any siblings? jst col and my two step sisters

if you can live anywhere in the world where would it be? why? probably anchorage bc it’s scenic, the housing/rental market is abt the same as it is here, but the wages tend to be higher

favorite snapchat filter? when they make special versions of the dog filter for different holidays... i love those

favorite makeup brand(s) nyx mainly

how many times a week do you shower? i do it every day but if im in a shitty place mentally, i wont on my days off

favorite tv show? bojack horseman

shoe size? 9

how tall are you? 5′7″

sandals or sneakers? sneakers

do you go to the gym? i work out but i dnt go to a gym bc i’ve always had exercise equipment at home and my apartment has a fitness center, so i cant justify paying for a membership

describe your dream date i dream abt other things

how much money do you have in your wallet at the moment? $70

what color socks are you wearing? blue

how many pillows do you sleep with? 4 bc i love only using 2 and then kicking the other ones off my bed somehow when im asleep

do you have a job? what do you do? yeah, i’ve been doing hair for 4 odd years now

how many friends do you have? a decent handful but i only consider myself very close w two of them

whats the worst thing you have ever done? a lot probably but nothing rly sticks out to me as the objective “worst”

whats your favorite candle scent? yankee candle makes one called “golden sands” and i like that one a lot

3 favorite boy names/3 favorite girl names for various rzns i’d rather not answer the baby names question. pass

favorite actor? i can’t think of one off the top of my head, but i like jim carrey a lot

favorite actress? amy adams!

who is your celebrity crush? i’m not invested in famous ppl like that, but if you asked me this when i was 12, i’d have said pete wentz lmfao. probably my only one ever

favorite movie? this is hard lol. arrival, interstellar, and gone girl come to mind, though

do you read a lot? whats your favorite book? i do. difficult to pick favorites bc i like more nonfiction stuff... i liked a brief history of time a lot

money or brains? brains. i have my own money

do you have a nickname? what is it? jackie is technically a nickname i guess. fati calls me “salvadore” and i hate it w a passion

how many times have you been to the hospital? a lot but i’ve only stayed there for an extended period 3 times

top 10 favorite songs stop they’re all special to me in different ways... 

do you take any medications daily? i did for a while

what is your skin type? (oily, dry, etc) oily

what is your biggest fear? nothing that hasn’t already happened lol

how many kids do you want? none

whats your go to hair style? i cut it into a bob periodically and let it grow out until it annoys me, rinse and repeat til i die

what type of house do you live in? (big, small, etc) average?

who is your role model? no one. all people are jst people

what was the last compliment you received? probably someone calling me smart or something. i hear it a lot but i dnt rly believe it

what was the last text you sent? “yes binch”

how old were you when you found out santa wasn’t real? probably pretty young if i was ever lead to believe it period. i dnt remember ever having any faith in that

what is your dream car? i had my dream car and it was more of a hassle than anything. a good metaphor for life, probably

opinion on smoking? cigarettes? do whatever you want. weed? do whatever you want, but stop saying it cures cancer. meth/crack? maybe you should chill

do you go to college? that didn’t work out

what is your dream job? being able to sustain myself without one

would you rather live in rural areas or the suburbs? suburbs definitely. lived in rural areas before. driving 30 minutes one way to the grocery store is not something i ever feel inclined to experience again.

do you take shampoo and conditioner bottles from hotels? depends on what they are

do you have freckles? yes

do you smile for pictures? only when my mom makes me

how many pictures do you have on your phone? 2377

have you ever peed in the woods? no

do you still watch cartoons? i mean bojack is a cartoon. but ones for children, no

do you prefer chicken nuggets from Wendy’s or McDonalds? stan wendy

Favorite dipping sauce? chick fil a sauce

what do you wear to bed? long old tshirt and this jacket i have from middle school typically lol. i have 3 actual pairs of pajamas though

have you ever won a spelling bee? i’ve never had an opportunity to even enroll in one. my schools never ran them

what are your hobbies? i read and write a lot, still trying to kill the rolling stone 500 albums list, i paint sometimes, jst general Bitch Desperate For Escapism things

can you draw? i used to a lot more than i do now but i’m still halfway decent at it

do you play an instrument? guitar & bass. i’m better at bass. i’m better at guitar hero but that dznt count

what was the last concert you saw? fall out boy i think? i’m having trouble remembering if that was before or after roger waters

tea or coffee? both but tea is a little easier to make so i drink more of it

Starbucks or Dunkin Donuts? bux. jesus christ

do you want to get married? not planning on it

what is your crush’s first and last initial? i’m too disillusioned to feel that way abt ppl rn

are you going to change your last name when you get married? definitely not

what color looks best on you? pastels

do you miss anyone right now? yeah but it dznt matter

do you sleep with your door open or closed? closed

do you believe in ghosts? absolutely

what is your biggest pet peeve? when customers make a scissor cutting motion w their hands when they’re describing their haircut to me. it’s sooooo weird and stupid and idg why so many people do it

last person you called` ian

favorite ice cream flavor? mint chocolate chip

regular oreos or golden oreos? regular

chocolate or rainbow sprinkles? i hate sprinkles bc they are pointless

what shirt are you wearing? a tank top

what is your phone background? my lock screen is a pic i took of the lacey street theater in fairbanks the first time i was there. my background is a pic i took in denali when i was there w ian

are you outgoing or shy? i want to socialize but i dnt know how. shy i guess?

do you like it when people play with your hair? no, honestly i find it rly unpleasant

do you like your neighbors? katie and alexis are the best drinking buddies anyone could ask for. isaac is great. everyone else i could take or leave

do you wash your face? at night? in the morning? yes and both

have you ever been high? yeah

have you ever been drunk? constantly

last thing you ate? 1/2 of a jimmy johns veggie club

favorite lyrics right now uhhhh idk i dnt get stuck on music like that

summer or winter? winter

day or night? night

dark, milk, or white chocolate? i dnt rly like chocolate

favorite month? october

what is your zodiac sign gemini

who was the last person you cried in front of? ian

The Blovel #3

Buxton boards the plane with a sense of loss and unrequited interest. The plush seating and copious amounts of leg room, pillow, blanket, soft music, free flowing liquor and comforting nature of the first class flight attendants wasn’t enough to keep him at bay. His thoughts went immediately to his encounter with Charley. It didn’t go at all like he expected. He knelt to help clean the mess Jeremy caused when Jeremy himself didn’t even bother to. The gentleman in him wouldn’t let a woman clean up glass no matter the scenario. It wasn’t like he only did it to gain the favor of a beautiful woman, he only noticed how spectacular she was after chivalry commanded him to clean up a mistake she didn’t make; so much for chivalrous efforts and meaningful intentions. He questions how she couldn’t feel his genuine nature. Was she impervious to his subtle ways of showing interest? How could she lean in to him the way she did, place her hand on his chest and whisper only of uncertainty? Was there no mutual attraction? Did she even like men? With all the questions and non answers swirling around Buxton’s mind he was noticeably distracted from the point of their trip. They were supposed to be headed to paradise to enjoy some much needed time away from it all and Jeremy saw his friend was struggling mentally. He couldn’t allow for his friend to not enjoy their time in paradise. “Buxton? I know you’re not gonna let one joint get you off your game fam? We haven’t left the tarmac and you messed up off her? You need a drink!” “I’m good on the drink Jeremy. I just don’t understand what happened man.” “She obviously doesn’t want to have sex with you, so move on to the next one that will. Shit ain’t hard bro.” “See that’s what I’m taking about right there! That’s the difference between us Jeremy: you look for the easiest women out here which has only left you with thirty-five years of chasing! I had a wife once. Shit was good but I fucked it up! I didn’t love her past the shit that got difficult. I miss loving someone more than myself. I’m not chasing ass no more fam! I want something real again!” “Did you forget I just got divorced bro? I mean I tried the shit too. But the thing is with you, Joan left you for another dude because you were focused too much on your art. You told me that Bux! You said she couldn’t understand you. She cheated on you bro. Her loss!” “But that’s the thing Jeremy, I chose not to love her past that shit. We all make mistakes. Maybe I wasn’t giving her enough attention. Maybe I didn’t try harder to love her more. Maybe I didn’t give her the chance to let me know what she was needing from me or what was missing for her. I could have tried harder.” “Man whatever. Look, I’m about to drink this Johnnie Walker, get a little loose and try to cool out before we get to the DR. Shit, I may try to come up on a joint in this first class section. I’ll leave all the economy joints for you.” “Do your thing Jeremy. I’m good. I’m gonna write a little bit. I’m not your wingman yo!” The plane takes off down the runway and lifts just before the runway ends and the water from the bay begins. Buxton attempts to leave his questions about Charley and their interactions on the runway along with his inhibitions but keeps coming back to the “whys” of it all. He tries to put pen to paper and continue working on the construction of his latest collection of poems. His poetry reflects the reality of his experiences as a black male professor with an inner-city upbringing at a predominately white institution of higher learning. Though he teaches at such an institution, the majority of his students are minorities. That’s fine by him but he accepts nothing less than the best from all of his students, even those that make passes at him. The energy in his work drives the collections from the past along to the end, but this new collection is a collection of Love poems; currently it seems like Love doesn’t want Buxton. He’s had minimal encounters with women and the breadth of the interactions were with women who had little substance. They were all attractive women but past the initial interview questions, Buxton knew there was no potential future with any of those women. He wanted the feeling he once had before; he wanted Joan all over again. He wanted a beautiful, intelligent, sexy, stylish yet quirky, strong, driven, hip, dope, down for the cause yet up for the rise type of sista. He wanted a woman that was his equal yet different though so similar. He wanted that old thing back, but she’d never return. He was looking for a new Joan and felt something familiar with Charley in her energy. He couldn’t let go of the feeling without knowing more about Charley. Meanwhile on another plane that’s not flying directly to the DR, in the economy section of the plane, Charley tells Ava and Myra about what just happened between her and Buxton. Myra, sitting next to the window, began, “Alright so what did he say and what did you say to him? I mean Ava and I saw he had some big feet and hands but what else was going on Charley? Was he a real one or nah? As Charley is sitting in the middle seat between Ava and Myra, she settles herself first, then begins, “You know what ladies? I’m not really looking for some dick right now. I mean honestly, yeah he was fine as hell but I’m not sure if he was really digging anything past my big booty. All the men I meet only ever notice me from the waist down. I get it, but I’m not gonna settle for less. I’m off dick right now! I need something more.” Ava replied, “Bitch can’t no man see past that big ass you got! You got dudes out here about to cut they fingers off trying to pick up broken glass barehanded. What are you talking about? I wish some of these dudes was checking for me like they used to be. You got what they want and they ain’t afraid to admit it Charley. You just have to weed through the bullshit to find that right one.” Charley rebutted, “But that’s just it Ava; just because you’re upfront with me doesn’t mean I have to respect your disrespect of me. I see men all the time gawking at me. All they see is ass, but what about me? What about who I am? How many men really want to know about who I am before they want to know how good my head and pussy are?” Myra quickly jumped in, “Uh, Ava, let me answer this one. So there are a lot of great dudes out there but the problem with great dudes is that they come when you least expect them and they may be wrapped in a package you least expect. You may want a 6’6” guy with a fit body and killer good looks, but the guy that’ll treat you better than anyone ever could may be 5’9”, a little chubby, and average looks but he has an amazing heart.” Ava replied, “Myra! Why do you sound like the dude that gets no ass speaking on behalf of all the dudes that get no ass? You sound crazy right now! Charley, do not lower your standards ok? You’ll end up advising people on how to lower their standards and still be in search of the right one. Look at what I did. I had a career and what not lined up but I wanted to be married with children. Now I have all I want plus the man I want and I ain’t doing shit to make it happen. I’m good!” Charley digs in, “But Ava, you always complain of being tired and feeling like you missed out on what life has to offer. You beg for trips like this but rarely go on them. You have all you want but still feel this way? C’mon now! We all know you had a different life set up but when some dope, rich dick came along you threw your hands up to the Lord and gave in. We don’t blame you but you can’t complain and be thankful at the same time.” Ava scoffs and says, “You may be right Charley, but at least I got a man that is doing his thing and doesn’t ask me to do anything but raise the kids. Plus I get help doing that. My shit is straight boo-boo!” Charley responds, “I hear you Ava and I’m happy for you, really I am, but I want more than to be a trophy for some man. I want to be his equal. I want a man that is my equal but different yet so similar. I want someone to appreciate me and Love me and adore me and love right and do all that shit we like, like flowers for no reason and making sure I never have to question his Love for me. I’m just not giving it up to any old body. The next man I sleep with is gonna be the last man I sleep with.” Myra returns, “So is it gonna be the dude you seduced when you licked his ear before you left the concourse? We saw you’re nasty ass!” Charley, with a smile on her face, said, “I didn’t lick his ear. I whispered that I’d see him again.” Ava jumps in, “Bitch how you gonna see him again?” Charley speaks, “ I saw his boarding pass and he is going to the DR like we are. Chances are that I’ll see him again. If I do, fate has looked kindly upon us. If I don’t see him, it was meant to be that way and my quest for Love continues. I really do hope I see him though; something felt familiar about his energy.” The ladies continue back and forth about different things including who is gonna be responsible for all of them and who will be the first to have sex minus Charley and Ava and a slough of other girl talk items before they land in the DR. Charley is participating in the conversations but reflects deeply on the possibility of never seeing Buxton again. She hopes that fate and destiny are aligned and in her favor. She wants to know more about him and she can’t let go of the energy she felt.

The Caste-aways

Feature published in Newsline.

Behind the bazaar and billboards of Ratodero lie dark, winding alleys. Larkana district’s second-largest town of over 67,000 residents is a dense maze of unfulfilled promises. At its heart – in the Harijan Colony, home to approximately 800 Dalits, or ‘Untouchables’ – Ratodero hides those whom it refuses to acknowledge.

Daulat Balbir is almost invisible. He lives in a 24-square-foot quarter on ‘Central Lane’ (Vicheen Ghitti) – a two-foot wide alley. An open gutter occupies half its width. It is his aisle to the outside world. Society keeps him at a distance – a truth that has left its mark on his face. He sweeps the streets of the city and is considered unclean and an embarrassment to be seen with. For this reason, he faces social exclusion and isolation, like all members of the Harijan community. Nobody will eat anything from their hands and few invite them to wedding functions, let alone attend any of theirs.

The educated youth of Daulat’s neighbourhood cannot find employment because they belong to the ‘bhangi’ or sweeper class and are therefore deemed repulsive. Even the police hesitate to come near members of their community, or imprison them, lest the other inmates feel uncomfortable being in the same cell as a Harijan.

The Harijans have lived in the old city quarter ever since it was built – in 1938. The colony of 100 houses, organised in 16 blocks, or quarters, has seen little municipal construction or improvement since. The Harijans are among the oldest inhabitants of the city. “We have always lived here,” says Gian Chand, a resident of the colony and a sanitation officer in the Ratodero municipal administration. “Even Pakistan came later.” Gian is one of 40 members of his community who are currently employed by the municipality, and the only one who has risen above the ranks of a sweeper.

“Up until a decade ago, 200 members of the Harijan community were employed by the municipality as sweepers and around 70 of them were women,” says Mukhi Ashok Kumar, President of the Hindu Panchayat of Ratodero. “Over the last 10 years they have been reduced to 40, of which only six are females.” According to Ashok, the administration now resorts to favouritism and hires sweepers on sifarish. It currently has 472 cleaners in its employ, but most of them do not even turn up to work and are receiving a salary sitting at home, he says.

The result is a decline in the town’s sanitation. Ashok cites as an example, the conditions that prevail on the premises of Ratodero’s water supply, the tree-lined grounds of which have long served as a public park of sorts. “People defecate in the park and no one cleans up,” he says. “The park is in a bad way.” He adds that in the past around six Harijan sweepers had been employed for the upkeep of the park and that it used to be clean in those days. He finds it strange that it is the Dalits who are viewed with downcast eyes, while the supposedly respectable citizens of the city defecate in the park, despite the fact that a new toilet has been installed there, and then don’t even bother to wash up properly afterwards, using stones to clean themselves. “People in our society need to change their habits,” he says.

Sidelined, the Harijans have few avenues for employment other than  to work as cleaners. They cannot run roadside food stalls since no one is willing to eat anything they have touched. “The discrimination isn’t on religious grounds, but purely class-based and a lot of it comes from within the Hindu community as well,” says Ashok. There are some who have turned to small-time entrepreneurial ventures such as fixing mobile phones and motorcycles on an ad-hoc basis.

Ratan Lal and his wife live in one of the tiny, windowless quarters of the colony. Dressed in a white safari shirt and trousers and with his hair slicked back, he looks like a retired denizen of Florida. Ratan is a relic of a different era. He received a diploma in hotel management from an institution in Clifton, Karachi and briefly worked at the Taj Mahal Hotel (now the Regent Plaza) until a car accident sealed his fate. He now lives in his humble abode in a state of fear and suffocation. “Our daughters and sons are educated, but the only jobs they can find are as sweepers,” he says. With great difficulty, his daughter has managed to find work as a kindergarten teacher and his son as an art teacher.

Like every other resident of the colony, Ratan pays a monthly rent of Rs 1,200 for a dilapidated room built in 1938. Some rooms house up to eight people. Driven by desperation and a lack of alternatives, many families have expanded their quarters onto the lanes, making the colony’s public thoroughfares unusually narrow and difficult for residents to walk through.

“Local councillors and political representatives promised to give us plots and jobs, but we never heard from them again,” says Ratan. The only semblance of help came in the form of an attempt by the administration to rebuild the local mandir of the Hindu goddess Devi Mata, but even that has not been completed, he laments. “Rs 10 million were allocated by the government for the construction of the new mandir, but only approximately Rs 1.2 million were spent,” he says. “The upstairs section has not been built and the shrine lacks electrical wiring.”

Of the Hindu community of Ratodero, it is only the Harijans who prefer to bury their dead instead of cremating them, while some request that their bodies be deposited in the River Indus.

Owing to their status as outcasts, inter-marriages are common within the community, between cousins living in Larkana, Sukkur and Karachi. As far as Ashok can recall, there have been no cases in Ratodero of forced marriages, kidnappings or forced conversions of Harijan girls – mainly because of the stigma that surrounds them as the sweeper class that cleans up other people’s filth. “There is the rare occasion in which a Muslim male sees a girl sweeper on the street or working in his home and ends up marrying her,” he says, “but these are consensual affairs and not forced.” He points out that it is not solely due to their profession as cleaners that Harijans are viewed with repulsion. “There are Christian sweepers too,” he says. “But, there is not as much class discrimination against them, possibly because they are better educated and make more of an effort with personal hygiene,” he says.

Similarly, the Harijans are not the only ones who are treated like they do not exist. The colony overlooks an empty plot where leaders like Benazir Bhutto and Nawaz Sharif have staged public meetings in an attempt to rally support. In one corner of the space is a collection of makeshift shanties and tents. They are home to a squatter settlement of Bheels, Bhattis and the Brohis of Kalat.

Aalam Khatoun and her sister, Khadija – Brohis by caste – make the long journey from Kalat to Ratodero every winter with their husbands and army of children, to escape the cold. Skilled artisans, they make and sell axes, knives, sickles and shovels. As homeless wanderers, they are in a constant state of flux, setting up camp wherever convenient. A few days earlier, they were living in another plot and were made to vacate. Khadija carries her medical reports on her at all times and shows them to whomever she meets. She has a problem with her lungs, but cannot afford treatment.

The Brohis’ neighbours, for now, are Bhattis, who reside in a cluster of 25 tents. Haleema Bhatti and her husband Rasool Bux have lived in Ratodero for 50 years and have been homeless for most of the period. Haleema begs for a living while Rasool Bux collects and sells cardboards from garbage dumps. Their 10 grandchildren play amid piles of polythene and scavenge along the banks of open gutters, hands and mouths blackened with dirt. “I went to a government hospital for treatment, but the doctor told me not to come back again,” says Hazoor Bux, one of the elders of the family. “It is only a matter of time before the police remove us from here.”

In the midst of poverty and hopelessness, stands the solitary shelter of Mithi Bhatti, an elderly, childless widow who lives on her own and fends for herself. She survives by begging in the town at night. This mélange of squatters of different castes and creeds are united by a common cause: they are in desperate need of a plot of land, or space that they can call home.