#a huge part of my healing was reconciling my own trauma was acknowledging my childhood abuse | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

ziskandra · 2 years

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papyrus ⇢ if you put your ‘on repeat’ playlist on shuffle, what’s the first song that comes up? what do you like about it / associate it with?

twisted palm tree ⇢ do you have a fictional villain you shouldn’t people say you'd like but you feel kinda meh about love regardless? (adjusted because most of your favs are fictional villains that Fandom says you shouldn't like)

papyrus: hilariously every song in my spotify on repeat playlist atm is from my meresino playlist. anyway the first that came up when I shuffled was rabbit hole by aviva

i swear I have whole AViVA albums on this playlist oops, listen this flavour of dark pop just works so well for them.

and as for why this song in particular:

I could say I'll take you

I could say I'll make you

But underneath all I plan to do, to do is break you

You could be my breakthrough

Watching demons wait 'til

I leave you, and they can initi-niti-nitiate you

[…]

I will always wait for you

I'll always be waiting

I will always follow you

'Cause you cannot escape me

Need I say more?

twisted palm tree: firstly can I just how much I love how that you had to twist this because loving villains I shouldn’t is basically my entire brand 🥲

It actually took me a while to think of a character that people assume I love that I don’t really have strong feelings about, and in the end the only answer I could come up with is Bellatrix Lestrange from HP (with the caveat that I don’t know how the fandom portrays her bc I don’t seek out content about her).

The reason I usually love villains is that I find them relatable — either because they remind me of the worst parts of myself, or because they remind me of people I’ve encountered irl, and I like deconstructing what makes people capable of such cruelty through the safer space of fiction because it makes me a) less vulnerable to manipulation irl and b) more sympathetic to people who I wouldn’t see eye-to-eye with. I think growing up as a Young Undiagnosed Autistic, I’ve always been mystified by the concept of being cruel on purpose, and I’ve always wanted to understand it more, and the reasons behind it (even if the reason is as simple as ‘maintaining the status quo because the person in power wishes to remain so’)

Anyway, yeah, I don’t find Bellatrix interesting for the same reasons I don’t find Voldemort interesting, but my favourite HP characters nonetheless are pretty revelatory about me: Dolores Umbridge, Rita Skeeter, Petunia Dursley … I am much more interested in analysing the type of cruelty I am more likely to encounter irl!

get to know me ask game

#asha answers #as a kid i was obsessed with umbridge to the point i dressed as her for book week #so nothing about me has really changed #except no-one called me an abuse apologist back then #honestly not to get too deep on main #but a part of the reason i’m fascinated by female villains in particular is because i did grow up with an abusive mother #and the coping mechanism that worked the best was humanising her #and it took me a long time for me to even acknowledge she was abusive #like it makes me feel uncomfortable to say now even tho she was even physically abusive towards me!#like the emotional abuse was worse but usually people recognise physical abuse more easily #so yeah it fucks me right off when people call randos on the internet abuse apologists because god forbid #anyone want to explore their own abuse in a safe space #a huge part of my healing was reconciling my own trauma was acknowledging my childhood abuse #and reconciling it with the fact i still wanted to repair my relationship with my mum #and that I HAD A CHOICE about whether to reconcile or not #and that I can love who she is now (after years of her own healing)#and still acknowledge that she Fucked Me Up #anyway agency is very important to me for obvious reasons #and if someone tells me i shouldn’t do something I wanna do it more oops #asha’s villain manifesto #mxkelsifer

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