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mvssmallow · 6 years

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Cloudy With A Chance

Chapter 29 Part II: …of swimming pools

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Everyone tells them that she has his dimples and eyes but every time he looks at her face, all he can see is Jiwon’s toothy smile and cheeky smirk. They paint her room pale blue but her shoes are always red, like the shade of shiny ripe apples.

****

He tells himself, time after time, not to take anything for granted. And he doesn’t. Not Jiwon’s undivided attention, or how he always asks for advice (as if there weren’t more qualified people in his life to give them), or texts and phone calls about nothing. On top of that list is waking up next to that familiar warm body with all it’s reassuring weight, living and breathing beside him.

He knows that soon enough, in the not too distant future, all these things will fade and become few and far between. He knows it’s coming, like stormclouds on the horizon. But you can’t get on top of the mountain without shedding a few things. Sacrifices and compromises will have to be made and if he has to be the one doing most of that, so be it.

I guess that’s what you get for being in love with someone so amazing.

It’s so easy to love Jiwon in his mind and in his heart but it’s still difficult to say it out loud, he doesn’t pretend that it’s getting easier as the months go by, because it doesn’t. If anything, it’s even worse because the stakes keep getting higher and higher.

Love is for crazy people. Crazy brave people. He doesn’t want to admit that it’s hard but it is. Acknowledging all their feelings makes everything real. To accept that he’s in love is to accept that he’s now got a weakness and responsibility. To be attached to someone is to leave yourself vulnerable to the possibility that they might one day leave. But it’s all or nothing, he can’t have all the good parts without accepting the bad. Love takes all kinds of courage. There’s no bravery in being alone, there’s just survival, which isn’t the same thing. Before Jiwon, he’s pretty sure he wasn’t living at all, just merely surviving.

Maybe Jiwon’s trip to Japan wasn’t such a bad thing. He can get used to being alone again and wean himself off needing Jiwon so much. Not that he wants to admit that either but one day, he won’t get to decide anymore. He won’t be in control of their lives and wanting Jiwon won’t be as easy as just reaching out across some crumpled sheets and wordlessly demanding it. At some point, he won’t be the most important thing in Jiwon’s life and he’ll have to wait for the sun to shine his way, like everyone else.

Right on cue, as if Jiwon heard him waking up, a text message buzzes on his phone.

[morning baby, its freezing here! its gonna be sunny in sk tho]

[thnx for packing the coat, wearin it now]

Yeah, he’s going to miss this so much one day, especially being called baby. Nobody has ever called him that before. He hates it; how much he loves hearing it. Yes, call me baby. I am your baby.

[hey, you’re welcome. How are you feeling? How’s the hangover?]

[im ok. headache tho]

[did you take the tablets I packed?]

[yeah i did, thanks]

[wish i was there with you]

[you are]

[what?]

[took you with me]

There’s a photo that loads on his screen. It’s all the layers of clothes on Jiwon’s chest: a pink t-shirt underneath a familiar gray hoody underneath that caramel coloured coat that they both share.

He knows what Jiwon’s doing, the implication and explanation coming in a photo because he can’t articulate it in a text message. It fills him with so much fondness that his chest constricts violently and he can feels the start of a tear in the corner of his eye. How are you supposed to respond to something like that?

[great, now what am I supposed to wear?]

[lol idk go naked]

[south korea isn’t ready for that]

[haha! you can practice when i come back, ok?]

[you wish]

[i do actually]

[shut up Jiwon]

[lol, i gotta go. Jin’s glaring at me]

[Good Luck with your meeting]

[Thanks baby. Love you. xj]

[You too. xxh]

[have a good day]

[go to your meeting, you loser]

[say something nice at least]

[ok, how’s this: I’ll be thinking of you and I hope something good happens to you today.]

[yeah, not bad, whatever. talk to you later]

[JIWON!]

[lol jk jk. I miss you. Have a good day baby, do something crazy]

He can’t stop smiling after that. What would Murakami write about him right now? Laying naked in bed with the sun streaming through his curtains, smiling like an idiot at his ceiling. Is this what contentment feels like?

He reads Jiwon’s last message again and scrolls through all the photos that Jiwon has sent him from Japan. He scrolls so far back that he lands on a photo of his little sister, holding her ballet trophy proudly. He hasn’t seen her in a long time, too long really, and no matter what he does, there’s no ignoring the guilt.

His self esteem is managable at best and diabolical at it’s worst. He doesn’t want to be one of those guys who constantly waxes lyrical about love but in all honesty, it really does heal a lot of things, some that he didn’t even know were broken in the first place. Jiwon’s love is no ordinary love though, it must be the extra-strength-triple-fortified-eternally-lasting kind because it gives him courage at times when he has none.

His sister is still smiling at him through his phone screen and before he really knows what he’s doing, his fingers have already hit the dial button.

“Hanbin?”

“Hi mum.”

Yeah, love might give you courage but it takes a crazy kind of courage to get involved with it in the first place.

****

He fingers the soft gray fabric of Hanbin’s hoody and tries not to feel completely underdressed in the room full of slick designer rappers. Clothes don’t mean shit. He knows that but there’s no escaping Jin’s sigh when he climbs into the car and the fact that he looks like the odd one out.

Doc McKinney was surrounded by a crowd 3 people deep. The meeting is over in an anti-climatic ten minutes. Everyone wanted to meet the famous american producer and on the hierarchy of importance, he was right at the bottom. He might be known in Seoul’s underground rap scene but here, he was just another fish in an even bigger ocean. He’s not entirely sure why Beatbox wanted him to go because Doc Mckinney doesn’t even know who he is but at least they could speak English and ended up talking about Bob Marley. That was something.

He’s standing at one of the big windows afterwards, trying to take a photo of the Tokyo skyline to send home, thinking of how much he wants to take Hanbin here one day.

“Korean?”

He turns to his left to see a tall thin man with long black hair, a straggly beard and thick glasses. He doesn’t remember meeting him but there’s something in that voice that he recognises. The stranger doesn’t even look at him, preferring just to stare out the window.

“Yes?” He replies, both curious and cautious.

“Get dressed in the dark this morning, kid?”

He looks down at his outfit and yeah, okay, he really did get dressed in the dark this morning. It doesn’t stop him from feeling defensive about Hanbin’s grey hoodie and their caramel coloured coat. Who does this guy think he is?

“Excuse me? I don’t-”

There’s a quite snort next to him. “Relax. You look fine. Stood out like a sore thumb though didn’t you? In that sea of Supreme? Couldn’t tell one guy from the other.”

“Oh, I guess?”

“What’s with all the pink? Your girlfriend dress you? ”

He smiles at his reflection in the glass window. “Yeah, something like that.”

“What company you with?”

“Beatbox.”

“Ahh, Jin. He’s been looking for his Neo all these years. I’m surprised he didn’t dress you up himself.” The guy chuckles. “Must have a lot of faith in you to bring you all the way here for a pointless trip.”

He’s just about protest when the guy turns to face him with a pensive look on his face. “They treating you alright? You gotta watch out for these big companies.”

Whatever he was about to say gets swallowed back down, his mouth opening and closing comically to the point where he gets laughed at again. He doesn’t have much of a temper but there are time where it grates on his nerves a little too much. But even then, he wasn’t raised by wolves, his mother did teach him some manners and he doesn’t want to let Hanbin down by burning any bridges.

“Yeah, things have been good so far.” He kicks himself, unsure what the protocol is when a stranger asks him about Beatbox. This was one thing that Jin hadn’t finish coaching him on. “I haven’t released anything yet though.”

There’s another laugh followed by the shake of a head. “Yeah, he’s really putting all his money and reputation on you, huh? Smart guy though. Indie company mentality with corporate company ambitions and money. Just don’t let them blindside you guys.”

He’s seen those eyes before, the watery thoughtfulness that always looks like it’s watching and reading you the entire time. And that voice…..he knows that voice. Why can’t he place it?

“Sorry, have we met?”

The guy shrugs. “Doubt it, kid. What’s your name?”

“Jiwon.”

“That your rap name?”

“No…no, it’s Bobby.”

“Of course it is.” The guy smiles but doesn’t bother to introduce himself. “How are you liking Japan?”

This entire conversation was like a car driving in and out of traffic; constantly changing lanes, veering sharp lefts and abrupt rights. He has no idea where it’s going or what the agenda is. It’s almost like talking to Hanbin.

And just like that, his focus shifts back to South Korea, where it’s sunny, and to that pokey little apartment, where there’s a sleepy neurotic writer still tangled in their sheets. His fingers come up to absentmindedly smooth over the soft fabric of his coat.

“It’s really nice. Kind of a waste to be here for business in some ways.” He laughs. “Wish the person who dressed me was here.”

“Ahhh.” The Guy says quietly, like he understands the context. Maybe he does. “Well. Work hard. Write often. Learn everything, especially when to shut up. Don’t let anybody change the part of you that makes you you. That’s always the first thing they’ll try to do. But I got a good feeling about you, kid. Put in the work and maybe next time you’re here, you can bring that girl of yours.”

He wants to correct the assumption but there’s someone calling him.

“Well, it’s nice to meet you, kid. I’ll see you around.”

There’s a brief pat on his back before the Guy disappears through the sea of Supreme again.

Jin eventually catches up with him. “Who were you talking to?”

“I have no idea.” He says earnestly. He really had no idea and maybe he just hallucinated some kind of rap yoda. God, he needs either caffeine or sleep.

No such luck. Jin has him sitting through another meeting with a smaller company this time and as tired as he is, he hears the words of Rap Yoda and Hanbin echoing in his ears. He doesn’t really want to be there but he’s going to act like he does. Hanbin would probably find out if he’s slacking off and kick his ass when he gets back home.

So he turns on the charm, laying it so thick that no-one will ever forget that they met him. Jin and the team seem happy, so he guesses he’s doing something right. They eat at some barbecue joint that serves ice cold Asahi. He wants to avoid more alcohol but chicken without beer is like Jiwon without Hanbin and that just goes against the laws of the Universe.

Everywhere they walk is just another place he wants to show Hanbin one day. The tiny hedgehog cafe (with real live hedgehogs!). The waffle shop that makes dog shaped desserts. The toy store with a life sized Rilakuma at the entrance. The endless bookstores with original Murakami and scrolls of beautiful traditional brush calligraphy on the walls. The parks lined with cherry blossom trees and ivy.

He takes photos of everything and sends them all to Hanbin’s phone.

****

He feels like a stranger knocking on the dark red door and he feels like it was a lifetime ago that he used to live here. They were a happy family once, so he knows it’s possible but he doesn’t know if they will ever be like that again. Some wounds are just too deep.

But there was always his sister. She has nothing to do with all their mess and deserves some kind of normalcy. And it’s really that thought that drove him here today. Maybe his relationship with his parents will never go back to normal but at least he still has his sister.

“HANBIN!!” He hears her before he sees her and for all her ballerina’s grace, she has the tendency to crash into him at 100kph and hang off his neck like she was still 5 years old. He’s glad that hasn’t changed.

“Hey Peanut.” He smiles, half breathless by the tiny monster truck that just crashed into him. “Missed me?”

Hanbyul lets go and grimaces, her words directly contradicting her actions. “No.”

“Yeah sure.” He chuckles and flicks one of her ponytails. “Did mum tell you why I’m here?”

“She just said you were visiting.” Hanbyul says, eyes inquisitive but with a shade of melancholy that shouldn’t be natural at her age. “Are you visiting? Are they still mad at you?”

He sighs inwardly, telling himself to keep it together. When he spoke to his mother this morning, the request was simple: he just wanted to take his sister out for the day. But like everything that seems to happen in their family, a simple request can turn into a drama production.

“Don’t worry about that. I’m gonna go talk to them for a bit. I’m come get you after okay?”

She’s 9 years old now but when he leaves her standing in their hallway, she still looks like the toddler that he remembers following him around everywhere.

He doesn’t have to search very far for his parents, they’re both in the kitchen table when he walks in, his mum pouring tea (like he was some kind of guest) and his dad sitting at the table with a grave look on his face (like someone died).

“Hi. Mum…..dad….” He greets them awkwardly.

“Hanbin, come in. Sit sit.” At least his mum was trying to be kind. He feels a surge of love for her then and doesn’t know why he ever doubted her support. “Are you hungry? I know you want to go out for lunch but well, you aunt brought over some cake so here, have some cake.”

He nods absentmindedly, flashing her a small smile even though he really wasn’t in the mood for cake. He can see the strain on her face but she’s trying and so should he. “Thanks mum.”

The clock ticks too loudly as they just sit and stare at the grains of wood on the dinner table. His dad clears his throat eventually and they all hold their breath.

“So, how are you?”

Stay calm, Hanbin. You can do this.

“I’m fine, dad. How have you been?”

“Oh you know, the blood pressure is no good. Dr. Park has got me on too many medications. Something about my risk of a heart attack and decreasing my salt intake. He doesn’t know what he’s talking about.”

Part of him expected this, the overly mundane conversation, and part of him is relieved that they weren’t shouting at each other from the moment he set foot in the house.

“He’s a good doctor.” He says, trying to keep the facade going. “He doesn’t really think you’re going to have a heart attack does he?”

His dad snorts derisively. “ He’s just trying to scare me. He wants me to cut out soy sauce but this is Korea, what a ridiculous request.”

“Are you taking the medication at least?”

“Oh god, not you too.” His dad sighs loudly. “First your mother and now you? For the record, yes I am taking my medications.”

There’s a long silent pause and he knows what’s on all their minds but doesn’t know how how to start talking about it.

“How’s work?”

“We’re on holidays at the moment but it’s been great.”

“You know, there’ll always be a job at my company if you want it. It’ll be a pay rise, if you ever want to move out of that shoebox you live in.”

He frowns again, fingernails digging into his palms under the table. There will never be a time where his dad isn’t disappointed in him.

Keep it together, Hanbin. Think of Hanbyul. This isn’t about you.

“I’m fine where I am. I’m getting help with the rent now anyway.”

His words, and all its implications, hang in the air between them. They all want to talk about Jiwon so they might as well just get it over with.

“Is that still…..” His dad trails off, pausing for a beat before finishing his sentence. “How is that going?”

He hears it, the strain in his dad’s voice, the way he almost had to force the words out in some kind of neutral civil tone. That must be his mother’s influence. He knows they both really want to ask, “Is it still going?”

“It’s going great.” He says, looking at the dense chocolate cake his mum pushes towards him and avoiding any other eye contact. “He’s in Japan right now.”

“Japan? What for?”

Does he want to do this now? Start telling Jiwon’s life story to a man who might never accept them? But if not now, then when?

“For work. He’s um….he got a record deal. He’s a musician. He’s over there for some business meetings.” They can all hear the shakiness in his voice but nobody mentions it, so there was at least that.

“Oh.” His dad says. “Your mother said he worked in that garage downtown. Since when was he a musician?”

He looks up in surprise, first to his mum, who gives him an encouraging smile, then slowly to his dad, who is wearing a genuinely shocked expression.

“He’s always been one. He just got signed recently.”

There’s another long heavy pause and then all pretend to eat the cake that nobody has an appetite for.

“Did you read the contract?” His dad asks suddenly, eyes now serious and focused, like he must be in all his business meetings. “Before he signed it, did you read it?”

He almost feels like smirking, if his dad wanted to talk business, then they will talk business. It’s the one topic where they have some common ground. “Of course I did.”

“What company did he sign with?”

“Beatbox. It’s a new subsidiary of Globalkore.”

“Which law firm is representing them?”

“Lee & Ko.”

His dad hums in what he knows is approval. It gives him emotional whiplash.

“Did you have to re-negotiate any terms?”

“Only a few. We got them all. It wasn’t really that hard.”

He eats more of the cake, finally able to swallow some of it down. He can see his dad’s mouth opening with hesitation before closing again with resignation. Being good at business and law is one thing but wanting to make a career out of it is an entirely different thing. They’ve had The Family Business conversation so many times over the years. It always begins with his dad disappointed by his refusal to put that business-law degree into effect. It always ends with him storming out of the house, shouting about how art isn’t a worthless pursuit.

They’re all shocked when the conversation veers off somewhere else altogether.

“Is he pulling his weight? Helping you out? You’re not doing everything are you?”

He looks across at his dad, surprised that they were back to talking about Jiwon. It’s been some time since he’s really stopped and looked at his parents and their lives. His dad works hard at a job that carries more high stakes and stress than one person should be mentally permitted to. He’s not perfect, he’s hurt everyone in the family with his blunt words and careless actions but right now, there’s just a weary father with too many deeps lines on his face, worried about blood pressure tablets and his son’s future.

Something melts inside him. It’s not forgiveness, not even close, but it’s a small step in the right direction.

“Yeah dad, he’s helping out.”

There’s a crash outside the kitchen that makes them all jump. Hanbyul’s ponytails swing into view, along with the pot plant she tripped over. Their mum is up in a flash, sighing and gently scolding as she dusts the soil off Hanbyul’s jeans and leads her off into the bathroom to wash her hands.

“That’s your cue to go.” His dad says, getting up to help with the cleaning. “Have her back before dinner.”

He’s nodding and is just about to bend down to help when his dad waves him away. “No, I’ll take care of this. Go entertain her, she’s been bored of us for weeks now.”

“Okay. Um, thanks dad.” He says, feeling every bit like a child again.

“We haven’t told her anything about your….situation. If you insist on going through with all that, just think about what you say and who might end up hearing about it, not just for your sake but for everyone else’s too.”

Part of him wants to automatically snap back. Of course he knows all this. Of course he’ll be cautious. But he keeps his mouth shut and just nods again. It’s longest conversation they’ve probably had in 6 months that didn’t end in a some kind of argument or shouting match. It’s unsettling and foreign and he’s almost forgotten how to deal with it but sometimes you have to take a few hits in order to win the war.

“Come on Hanbin! I want to go to the pet store!” Hanbyul is tugging at his sleeve impatiently and he only has a brief moment with this mum on the way out.

“Thank you.” He whispers.

“For what?” She smiles mysteriously.

He pulls out of the driveway feeling off-balanced in a good way (if there was such a thing). There are more questions than answers and he still doesn’t know where his dad stands on the topic of Jiwon but at least they were all talking and his sister seems to be doing okay. So for now, that’s enough.

****

“What were you talking about with mum and dad?” Hanbyul asks over lunch. “Why did you look so serious?”

“They’re just worried about my life. That’s what parents do.” He says with a smile. She is even more inquisitive than he ever was at this age. “They’ll worry about you too, when you decide to grow up.”

She scowls at him with the fury only a 9 year old girl can generate. “I’m not a baby!”

He reaches over to pull her hair away from her face so it doesn’t get stuck in her food. “Nah, you’re always gonna be a baby peanut. Better get used to it.”

Hanbyul glowers a few more times before suddenly deciding that it just wasn’t worth the energy to get upset. Kids these days.

“So they’re not mad anymore?”

“I think mum’s okay. Dad’s just tired, you know. I don’t think they’re as mad as they were before, there’s just some adult things we need to figure out right now.” He kicks himself immediately as soon as he gets the words out because his sister pounces on them without missing a beat.

“Like what? What things?”

He sighs. He is never going to come out of this conversation alive. His sister had concentrated Kim genes- all the tenacious charm of their mum mixed with all the cunning intelligence of their dad. It’s a potent combination in a tiny 9 yo human.

“Like my job and my apartment. Stuff like that. It’s boring. You don’t want to hear about it.”

She wipes her mouth daintily and stares lasers at him. “Do you have a girlfriend that’s a boy?”

He’s so taken aback that he can only laugh. “What?! Where did you hear that?”

“My friend Mina said that her brother has a girlfriend that’s a boy because some people have girlfriends who are girls and some people have girlfriends who are boys. So do you have a girlfriend that’s a boy?”

Kids these days.

“That is the weirdest question.” He says, shaking his head. “You know that having a girlfriend whose a boy is just like having a boyfriend right? It’s the same thing. Some people like boys and some people like girls and some people like both.”

He kicks himself again. His parents will kill him for introducing their innocent daughter to the idea of bisexuality. He might as well start digging his own grave now.

“I know that Hanbin!” Hanbyul says, rolling her eyes condescendingly. She’s just a baby, when did she learn to roll her eyes? And where the hell did she learn about bisexual dating?!

“How do you know? Who told you that?”

“Mina’s brother picks her up from ballet and sometimes there’s a boy and sometimes there’s a girl with him. And Miss Lee said that some of the famous ballet dancers are like that and it doesn’t make them bad or weird. Oh! Do you know Tiler, Hanbin? She’s my favourite dancer! Mum let me watch her videos on Youtube, she’s the best.”

He just shakes his head. This whole time, he was agonising over how to explain to his sister that he was gay and in 10 minutes, she’s already explained the concept back to him.

“No, I haven’t heard of her. You need to show me one day.” He reaches across to tuck more wayward strands of hair away from her face. “Does it bother you that some of your favourite dancers like boys or girls?”

Hanbyul shrugs. “I don’t know. It’s weird sometimes.”

He knew it wasn’t going to be all smooth sailing. Maybe his sister understands that more than one type of couple exists but beyond that is harder to come to terms with.

“Why’s it weird?”

“Because it’s weird!” She says, exasperated by her 9 yo brain’s inability to articulate its own thoughts.

“What if it was me? Would you think it’s weird?”

She looks at him with wide eyes for a moment but slowly shakes her head. “I don’t think you’re weird.”

“Well, good. You shouldn’t hate people or tease them because of who they like, okay? You wouldn’t want someone hating you for liking ballet and Tiler right?”

She’s nodding her head but too fixated on her food and chopsticks so he doesn’t really know how much sinks in but this is enough for one day. There’s no point ruining their day together with social politics, there’ll be plenty of time for that when she’s older.

****

Jin finally releases him at 5:30pm.

He goes straight to the hotel room and falls face first onto the bed. There’s the temptation to just crawl under the sheet and sleep but he knows it’ll mean waking up in the middle of the night because he’s missed dinner.

Hanbin hasn’t replied to any of his photo messages, which makes him irrationally worried even though he knows there’s probably a good reason for it.

To distract himself, he decides to check out the rooftop pool in the hotel. It’s dinner time for most guest and he’s relieved to find the 25 metre pool empty. It’s an indoor pool but encased by glass windows so you can see everything outside, including the evening sky.

After attempts at some hard and fast laps, he’s too exhausted to do much more than just float on his back and stare out the glass ceiling. The sky was violet, it reminds him of the colour of the sky on his birthday. It wasn’t the first birthday he’s had with a boyfriend but it was the first birthday where he was given a gift that meant something.

He still can’t get over the mixtapes. Nobody has ever made him anything like that before. Teenage confession letters were one thing but four mixtapes with handwritten tracklists were another thing altogether. 1 hour per tape equals four hours of music and probably days or weeks of thoughts and consideration on Hanbin’s part. That’s his favourite present. It wasn’t so much about the tapes themselves or the songs on them, it was really the knowledge that Hanbin sat down and put so much effort into something just for his birthday. It hits him in the gut when he thinks about it and lyrics start forming in his head as he floats in the warm water.

Locked with your thoughts I’m swimming With u right here I’m swimming With no-one else I’m swimming Wanna be with u

He eats dinner with the windows wide open so he can stare at the glittering night lights of Tokyo and listen to the ‘Before Sunset’ tape at the same time. The sky was dark indigo now and even though Hanbin was still not replying, he sends a photo of the night skyline anyway.

He recognises the song through his headphones, it’s something he remembers hearing somewhere before. Maybe when he was younger, when his family was still in America and they had long hot summers down the West Coast with the radio playing in the car. He lets the nostalgia wash over him, wondering how the hell Hanbin managed to find a song that incapsulated his childhood without even being there.

He’s playing with the little cardboard insert in the cassette case when he sees something written on the inside of the spine.

“I’m not good with words, so I’m using this to tell you instead.”

He wants to laugh because he’s read Hanbin’s articles and knows a talent when he sees one but on the other hand, Hanbin has always had trouble saying what he means and meaning what he says. Some people are better writing words and some are better verbalising them. Hanbin is the former and he himself is definitely the latter.

And right on cue, as if Hanbin heard his thoughts, there’s a message that buzzes on his phone.

[Hey sorry, had a big day. How did it go over there?!]

[Gonna look at all the photos in bed later]

[its was ok, we got along but it was only a quick 10 min thing. Hallucinated a Rap Yoda tho]

[what?]

[was takng a photo to show u and this dude just starts talkn to me like yoda in the sw movies]

[who was he?]

[IDK! super weird]

[That is weird. How’s the headache, feeling better?]

[yeah its fine. how was ur day? do anythng crazy?]

[Actually….yes]

[omg what]

[Talked to my dad]

He stares at the words for a full 5 seconds before attempting to think of a reply. With his chest thumping, he dials Hanbin’s number instead.

“Hey.”

“Don’t ‘hey’ me! What happened?!” He nearly shouts down the line.

“Tell me about your day first?”

“Fuck no. Yours is more important!”

“Jiwon….” Hanbin was using his Responsible Adult Voice.

“Hanbin….” He echoes in his own serious voice.

There’s a sigh from the other end. “Okay, fine. Well, I was in a good mood this morning so I rang mum to ask her if I could take Hanbyul out for lunch and she said I had to come over and talk to dad about it because they probably think I’m going to introduce her to being gay or something. Anyway, I went over and we talked and nobody punched anyone in the face. So it was a pretty good day.”

There’s a pause then but Hanbin stays silent.

“And then what?” He asks impatiently. “Did he say anything about us? Or me?”

“He offered me a job again but mostly he wanted to know about your contract with Beatbox. He was worried about us not reading fine print and signing a dodgy deal. It’s a business school thing.” Hanbin says, almost distractedly.

“Babe?”

“Yeah?”

“You told him about my contract?”

There’s a quiet intake of air before Hanbin speaks again. “Shit. Did you not want me to? I’m sorry Jiwon! I just thought that-”

“No, it’s fine! I don’t care that you told him. It’s just, why would he be interested in that? Last time you all talked, there was shouting and they stormed out.”

“Yeah I know.” Hanbin says wearily. “I think mum got to him. Wore him down as usual. I didn’t ask her to do that but I think she did it anyway.”

“So, are they just okay with us now?”

His heart jumps with hope but he’s been in these situations before, with equally homophobic parents, and he knows that false hope is the cruelest of them all.

“I wouldn’t go that far. I don’t know what my dad thinks. They’re both trying and that’s all I can honestly say right now.” Hanbin finishes earnestly. “Hanbyul seems okay though, thank God. At least they haven’t messed her up too badly yet.”

“Oh yeah? That’s good. I want to meet her one day.”

“I know. I want you to meet her too but….”

“…just not right now. It’s fine Hanbin. Don’t stress about it, it’ll happen when it happens.”

Hanbin hums a vague response and there’s another pause.

“So tell me about your day?”

He sits in the chair facing the big window and watches all the lights flicker over the city in the distance. Hanbin doesn’t even interrupt him, he’s known for awhile that Hanbin finds his voice soothing and he wonders if he was ever read to as a child.

He’s half way through describing the hedgehog cafe when his body gives up being in an upright position.

“Sorry babe, I need to get into bed, gonna crash soon.”

“It’s okay, me too. My chest is killing me. Talk to you tomorrow.”

“I’m coming back tomorrow.” He says with a tired laugh. “Why’s your chest killing you?”

“It’s nothing.” Hanbin says quickly. “I’ll let you go. Get some rest. I’ll see you tomorrow? Your flight lands at 4pm right?”

“Yeah, I’ll call you.”

“Okay. You want me to hang up first?”

“Yeah.” He laughs quietly. “Night baby, love you.”

“I…..me too.” Hanbin says, only slightly tripping over the words. “See you tomorrow.”

His eyes are already half closed by the time he gets in bed but he doesn’t sleep straight away, instead he scribbles all the bits of lyrics that seem to flood his head all the sudden. He dreams of swimming pools, dimple smiles, violet skies and mixtapes. He can’t think of a title, that’ll just have to wait till morning.

****

He hangs up first because Jiwon still can’t do that for some reason. His chest is aching but there’s something about the pain mixed with everything good that happened today that makes him itch to write it all down. His laptop glows into life but the words don’t look right on the sterile whiteness of the computer screen. Instead, he opens up the playlist he made for Jiwon and reaches for the notebook he jammed under the mattress all those months ago.

It’s cold and smooth underneath his finger tips, the paper old and slightly yellowing with age. His favourite black pen still glides over it just like it used to. This feels better. It feels familiar.

So he writes.

Cloudy With A Chance: Chapter 0....

****

Soundtrack: Tiny Dancer -Elton John | Your Song -Lady Gaga (cover)

#if you got the swimming pool reference....i am VERY proud of you haha #Cloudy With A Chance #please play the music #Tiny Dancer is for two people #i always intended it to be for Jiwon but then it fit for her too haha #that Tiny Dancer video is amazing btw-it's very LA MOOD #a bit of a vague gifset but otherwise it'd be too spoilery #Double B #ikon #hanbin #jiwon #bobby #cwac

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whimsically-ominously-auspice · 4 years

Text

Alex L: are you hoping Matt wont fight me this weekend?

Me: no. I'm hoping you'll fight him. Cause I'll know you'll win.

Alex: you think so?

Me: mmhmmm you always do

Alex: he's huge though baby

Me: well don't go for his Dick. He doesn't have one. But doesn't matter though Alex. I heard someone told him 10 people already had his name on Their fists. So you will be fine.

Alex: well im not using ten other people! Im just talking about me myself and I! Shit Saint Luches! She's gonna get me killed

Me: actually the group of 10 has more danger of being hurt unless they are to hold him down or stand in line. Because they don't have a chance to move when there's such a large group. You alone can totally kick his ass because you know how to move that lil ass. Remember that.

Alex: fucking pillow talk with Sabrina. Shit

Me: besides that baby You know he only got so big cause he was scared because he can't fight. And then he can't even touch the middle of his back anyway because hes got all them useless muscles.

Alex: really? They're useless? He can pick up a car

Me: brass knuckles you funky munky

Alex: You!!

Me: yeah. Gas monkey you used to drive for him. It was black and green lettering and I always sung it when I saw it

Alex: dam baby

Me: all the time. You like that huh?

Alex: Fuck babe

Me: and I remember, too

Alex: you're gonna make me cry

Me: you're gonna need to buy me a bra. I can't find mine

Alex: it's over there in the corner under that Like if shit or in the ... Is it in the hamper baby?

Me: I dont... Think so baby... I don't even... I haven't worn one in like... Since October?

Alex: i noticed

Me: old lady titties. You shouldn't be looking .. Leave them poor old things alone..them old hippie drippies look like they ain't seen a bra in their life!

Alex: well why did you quit wearing it?

Me: i got tired of putting it on everyday!

Alex: alright baby I'll buy you a bra. I know your size

Me: 48 or 46? Idk don't look at me!

Alex: i think it's 46 babe

Me: you have to try it on. Take all your boys babe

Alex: to buy you a bra?

Me: to try them out. You know how to do it. You gotta put it on... Then you gotta jump in front of the mirror and see if you like what you see. I bet Phoenix has a mall. Cacique.. I think it closed down but.. Don't go in Victoria Secrets they will look at your boys rude and yoh all sexy. But go to Frederick of Hollywood. All the girls on Christopher Street go,there

Alex: i know they did

Me: alright so you know what to do

Alex: where this bouncing come from?

Me: you know they can't unlacth the back so in a hurry they can see what it will look like when you know they don't take the bra off and he's got her jiggling.

Alex: I see. This is very testy, how serious is this babe?

Me: very!! I bet them boys forgot their Dick waa even for fucking!! They gotta get all the weird shit outta the way. So parading around in bras jumping up and down its like a bonding moment unlike no other!

Alex: and heels? You want us go try those on?

Me: mmhmmm and buy a pair in their size and then they girls don't wanna wear heels except in bed they will know why. Cause girl ain't wanna heard "them $3,000 shoes ain't ever hit the floor just wrapped around my ass and i swear your heel got real close to my shit hole and you may not wear them again" no she wanna hear "baby your shoe molested me and got me So scared i thought some one was here to take me away from you" that's what baby

Alex: what else baby?

Me: the thong.

Alex: okay baby I'll see what i can do

Me: good baby. That sounds wonderful. I think that's all

Alex: you want me to get your nails done baby? I saw you looking at them

Me: no. They cut them all the same and mine were peeling. But you can paint them. But i don't want to go to the salon

Saint Luches: they can treat them

Me: then we all go.

Alex: i knew that one was coming

Me: i see why you offered.

Saint Luches voice gets deep: for treatment

Me: yeah so after you get all dolled up at the mall yoh most certainly can take down a wanna be terminator with no arm reach. Take Steven Torrence to the mall, babe. Yoh said you owe him a jealousy apology

Alex: babe that's sounds more like torture!!

Me: if you're not invited to some weird cyclone event on Chandler love weekend

Alex: fine but because you called it Chandler Love Weekend

Me: i can't believe you got jealous!

Alex: what i did I did

Me: im just saying. I probably would been too probably but it was non touch. Non chalet just chillin,making someone feel good about themselves

Alex: you weren't ever serious?

Me: i think he's bunker kid adorable boy friend. Not bed.

Alex: aww shit I may had punched him a few too many times

Me: a few? Why?

Alex: eh babe don't ask questions I don't wanna answer.

Me: you really hit him? Like hard?

Alex: he hit me first !! ..... .... sometimes!

Me: you were in war with him?

Alex: hey look. You said boy friend in one word that's all i saw

Me: so. Babe and i was gonna take my girlfriend Brittany to bed?

Saint Luches: hey now a man could wish!

Me: insane. Insane. a War with a bunker boy!

Alex: it was.. It was... It was bad as hell i ain't gonna lie.

Me: you should been happy i had an anchor baby

Alex: I'm so dumb!

Me: did he hit you back good enough?

Alex: he called his mom who called my mom. Don't laugh don't laugh.I'm over here old as hell can't grow a mustache and his mom is calling my mom for the first time. It never happened in my fucking life.

Me: is that what he said? You can't grow a mustache so i wanna real man? So what you called him short? You guys did name calling for no reason until you got mad and threw a punch

Alex: look his mom called my mom first alright. Whose the wimp

Me: babe you probably gave him a bloody nose! And he had a heart attack. He needs extra love.

Saint Luches: you stop that right now

Me: im not talking to you. Really don't beat up that little boy

Alex: he's a grown man babe

Me: i said he's a little boy. You leave him alone.

Saint Luches: you know what i noticed too? He wasn't putting on a pansy about it. He was a real bitch, Alex was

Me: why you gonna yell at him for what I do?

Alex: i was feeling neurotic

Me: i was feeling unsafe and he was safe

Alex: don't cry. I'll apologize okay? I'll give him a dollar

Me: just make sure it's not pennies in a sock

Alex: alright just don't cry. I hate when you cry for what i do

Me: he was an anchor baby and i told you a thousand times.

Mark: dam it that's sexy.

Me: you like my anchor babies?

Mark: yeah. It wasn't that bad babe he was putting you on. It got pretty heated but he didnt beat him up

Me: did he think little Steven was possessing me? Making me like him because he's a nice kid

Mark: He was really just crazy he didn't know what to think and people like both med and large Jesse were taking shit how you were fucking Steven behind Alex's back and Matt got on it. It was bad babe.

Me: that's fucked up. I should had killed them already

Alex: you what? Music to my ears

Me: is he really going shopping?

Mark: you know I can't tell you that

Me: I'm sorry they did that to you Alex. No one told me.

Alex: really? No one? I told you they were fucking with me about him and I was getting mad

Me: and I said I was not hiding anything and it was plain to see

Alex: I know and I said I would beat himup anyway

Me: I thought you meant Jesse

Alex: oh Jesus Christ

Me: well i tell you thst scrap ain't scared of shit. He ain't ever blocked me. That's a real man if you ask me.,BABE. Use your brain.,

Alex: oh ok I'll go apologize and I'll be nice

Mark: they never get along because of you

Me: and the first day I call him sexy He blocks me. Alex come here.

Alex: what

Me: I love you

Alex: alright I'll get over it -- I mean him

Me: well I don't need to because you had more passion in your relationship than he and I did. Just so you know

Alex: are you sure?

Me: YES! :)

Alex: I'll learn to chill

Me: and I thought you were. Until I saw you fighting Tanner Gray. Who by the way is hot. But Babe.

Alex: you think hes hot?!?!

Me: you're focused on the wrong thing.

Alex: he said he would fuck yoh so i beat him up

Me: and i appreciate it.

Alex: wh

Me: because i didn't even know who he was and he was talking shit and i found it to be disrespectful and i didn't run across it online till weeks later. Or months Idk. And it was gross. He don't know me to be talking like that. Someone's kid all nasty up on me. He wasn't invited. I didn't see him that way. Did Steven say he would fuck me?

Alex: no

Me: okay. So don't listen to rumors ok? Ok?

Alex: yeah alright babe.

Me: okay. He's sick like me. He had a heart attack

Alex: Steve Torrence did

Me: yeah. We had things in common not alot of people do. Child hood sickness. Like you and me. We didn't have a normal child hood. While we weren't actually sick. We saw the sickest things in the world. It just felt safe to know he was there. Not like id be all in his trailer. I'd rather be in John Force's trailer just because he is more fatherly.. He just made it help feel safe for me. You see now? And I'm pretty sure they knew that. That's why they started taking shit. Because it could been about anyone to make you upset. But to keep me away so they can human traffic or try to pimp girls. They know I'll fuck up their shit So they would find my safety zone and attack it. So you fight with Steve Torrence. Then I get mad at you. Then what? You don't trust me. So then you're all paranoid and then you don't like people I like so we have no one in common. They had a whole list. Big Jesse ran by me. I just told them I didn't like anyone in it. But they knew who I would. They did. I remember I looked him up. Like Greg Line. Then they wanted to know how much I paid attention to mechanics and they were all "pick this one. Pick this one." On and on then "that should fuck her up" well i didn't know what the fuck they were talking about I really wasn't interested in racing. I knew there was shit to find but I didn't know what. So i knew I wasn't interested in what they were about. Because I have my own ways. My own shit I look for. My own reasons to do things. Them fucking with you is not something I ever thought would happen. I really thought you were all non violent and chill. Outta drama minding your own business

Alex: well I really am babe but they brought it to me

Me: I know baby, that is what I'm saying. To hurt you.

Alex: oh the fuck they did. I see. I'll earnestly apologize to Steve Torrence

Me: honestly?

Alex: it means the same thing. Then I'll take care of that rumor mill okay baby

Me: ok. Thank you

Alex Laughlin: I love you

Me: i love you, too

Alex: More than Steve?

Me: differently than him baby. Diffffferent. I love you

Alex: I love you. Don't cry no more Ok? I'll take care of it baby.

Me: k

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burnafterreadingx · 4 years

Text

back at it, back at it again

So, I started to give someone a chance. Someone I’ve known for a while honestly. Like college days….

Ive always kinda had a thing for him I guess. I haven’t kept in touch with a lot of people after college but we always had this weird connection I guess. I don’t know. Probably just Stephanie being Stephanie and its all in my head. but anyway…

I gave him a chance. He actually took me on a real date. It was nice… one of the first real dates I’ve ever been on and I genuinely enjoyed myself so much.

I tried to hold out for the 3rd date (you know… that whole movie thing)

WELL, second date…lets just say I didn’t hold out or hold back. Automatic assumption on my part was that ok this is it, he finally got it after 8 or so years. But no, he made me feel so comfortable and honestly like good. I cant think of a better word. Good. I just felt good.

We went on more dates…maybe two more after that? I think.

I don’t think I’m falling. It's way too soon and I’m way to guarded. And thats fine. however, I do have feelings involved. Which I hate. I wish I was one of those girls who were just like heartless. But its not me.

I actually opened up to him more than I’ve opened up to probably any guy… and it was just so easy. I wasn’t embarrassed by anything. It was nice. different.

I always felt like I was cursed….like my brain is just wired different from everyone else. Its draining… I understand them, I understand them all … no one understands me. I’m in my own little world, and its lonely.

I don’t know. I feel like things could work out for sure. But also its nice to know that there are actually people out there who you could actually connect with.

The last couple days.. guess since I last left.. I don’t know. I feel off. I feel like he’s off and uninterested. And I know me.. I know I’m dramatic and overthink and assume because that’s my own insecurities of not being good enough. But also… I don’t fucking know. Is it in my head? Even if it is I just don’t want to feel like how I’ve felt in the past.

So maybe I should just end it?? I know it’ll most likely end bad..so maybe I should just do it now. Save myself.

What if… what if I’m just being neurotic Steph and insecure. Its too soon for any of these feelings what so ever. But its like.. who I am and its been a long time coming I guess. But I don’t want it. I don’t fucking want to do this again.

I want security. I’m not used to being loved…i honestly wouldn’t even know what to do.

I just realized. I don’t think I’ve ever had security, safeness, a sense of calm when it came to guys.

Thats what I crave. That is what I need.

Here come the daddy issues… (laughing at myself) When my parents divorced… as civil and as amazing as they handled it. I still never had the security. One family, together. Ive never seen a relationship that was stable? I guess thats the word I’m going to use.

Will I ever be in a stable relationship? I don’t think so.

I thought the pills would help, drown out my insecurities. They didn't. Don’t get me wrong… they help ALOT. but idk… I told my doctor I didn’t want to be numb. I think I do..

I wish I trusted someone enough to let them actually read anything I write but I don’t think I ever will.. because then it would mean I genuinely feel completely safe and secure. I will never feel that way.

As much as I opened up to his guy I’ve been seeing theres still sooooo much underneath. I did however tell him I write but ill never show it.

Its not that im embarrassed its just like..i know no one could handle my brain. Im trying to think of another way to put it but I don’t think anyone will read it and not be like “awww” thats not what I want. I want someone to be like okay, I love you, let me in, let me love you, let me show you what you’ve been missing your whole life….

Do I think that will ever happen?? No.

How sad is that???? I actually sound like a weak pathetic little whinny bitch.

Why am I so insecure.. I mean I know why I am.. but how come me?

I just want to lay it all out there so bad. But every time I start too..they leave. They distance. Im “too much”… “too dramatic” …. Hard to love.

I get that im hard to love… I need constant reassurance. Who wants to do that? No one.. no one wants to put in the effort to make sure that I feel the way I should feel. No one wants that pressure.

Id like to think one day they wouldn’t feel like its “pressure” because they love me that much it just comes naturally. Id like to think. imagine. Thats not real.. not real for me.

Sometimes im curious if its just me or like does everyone fake it?? Is true love actually real??? Sometimes I blame all the books I read and all the movies I watched. Expectations are one hellll of a fucking downer.

I wonder when my heart breaks a couple more times ill finally not feel anything? I really don’t want to feel anything anymore. I don’t want to doubt myself. I don’t want to feel not good enough. I try so hard, I put so much in, I do become “too much” I become “too much” because if I do everything to make someone happy and make their lives so much better..they wont run when they see underneath my skin, into my heart, in my brain.

Sometimes I feel like if someone was in my brain for 5 minutes they would be completely destroyed. I don’t think im weak. No one weak would be able to go thru what I go thru every fucking day of my life. But its so hard.

Its so hard. Its so heavy.

I feel like writing right now is pulling me in so many directions that if a professor read this they would be utterly confused and wouldn’t be able to follow.

Am I such a sexual person because.. im just a sexual person. (which yes, I am a goddamn freak) Or am I such a sexual person because all I want is to please someone for them to crave me, need me. So I use sex.. isn’t that what they like? And I just convinced myself thats what I want.

Can I like remove my brain for like 20 mins and just see the outside perspective of myself.

What do people see when they look at me? What do they feel? I want to know.

0 notes

least-among-hamiltons · 6 years

Text

Falsettos Starters (Act 1)

(this didn’t exist so im making it myself)

(edit: this musical is too g-ddamned long so i’m splitting the acts up + adding a readmore)

Four Jews In A Room Bitching

I'm bitching, he's bitching, they're bitching, we're bitching

The guilt invested will in time pay wisely

I'm neurotic, he's neurotic, they're neurotic, we're neurotic

Tight-Knit Family

I want [name] to pretend time will mend our pain

I swear we're gonna come through it; I fear we'll probably fight

Love Is Blind

That's a question with no answer; let's not discuss the weather, let's face the facts

I am probably diseased… and so easily appeased

Love is blind, love can tell a million stories

Love's unkind, spiteful in a million ways

Love is crazy, love is often boring

Love reads like a bad biography, all the names are changed to protect the innocent

Thrill of First Love

God you're impossible-- we've been together for nine months

Everything he owns is vile

[name] doesn't share my devotion to style

Men from France can cancel a debt, men in cufflinks make me forget my name

I intend to upset this regrettable game

[name] takes me by the neck, [name] has unlimited knowledge of dreck

When he pushes, I pull

I was rich, he was horny, we fit like a glove

We ask for passion at all times, we stand to passion and drink this toast

Of all the lesser passions, we like fighting most

What you love you devour, what I covet I keep

This Had Better Come to a Stop

This had better come to a stop, [name], this has been a tragic and horrible flop

Love me, please, or break my heart

This had better come to a stop, [name], this has been a lousy but fabulous flop

Why is it always ourselves who have to change?

You've got a temper that redefines temper, and this had better come to a stop

I’m Breaking Down

I'd like to be a princess on a throne, to have a country I can call my own

Where is my crown—I’m breaking down.

Oh sure, I'm sure he's sure he did his best, I mean he meant to be what he was not

If I repeat one more word, I swear I'll lose my brain

You ask me, "Is it fun to cry over nothing?"-- it is!

I'm bereaved-- I've cried, I've shook, I've yelled, I've heaved; I have been deceived

It's just that he's so damn happy that it makes me so damn mad

I want to hate him but I really can't-- it's like a nightmare how this all proceeds

Sure, things'll probably worsen, but it's not like I'm some healthy person

It's so upsetting when you've found that what's rectangular is round

Please Come to Our House

So good of you to travel on account of my unraveling

I'd rather die in this position than remain the saint

I must be showing better-than-the-norm restraint

jason’s therapy

Love isn't free; if love isn't blind, what do I see?

Stop! Look around you, no one's screaming at you

If you feel alright for ten minutes, feel alright for twenty minutes, feel alright for forty minutes

Is this therapy?

Nothing's as good as you recall; count what's good, then divide

You can cover up the past, you can kill the pain very easily

A Marriage Proposal

I want you by my side to take my place if I get sick or detained

There's not a guy, there's not a horse or zebra, there's not a giant man who could love you the same as I!

I'm not a giant man but I'll love you until I die!

Trina’s Song

Their toys are people's lives

They fight too hard and play too rough; they sometimes love, but not enough

I'll explore what I'm feeling, except what I'm feeling is tired

I'll laugh, I'll smile, I'll welcome cheer, the time is right

Trina’s Song (Reprise)

Please forgive my former schpieling

As for doubts that I've been feeling, I'll ignore them when I can

The things that I must do I'll do to make this all succeed

And with wit and precision I've made a decision to get the things I need

No, I'll laugh—and unafraid I'll laugh

I'll fight the gods, I'll fight my ex, I'll beat the odds, I'll have good sex

My future's now on trial-- I smile

The Chess Game

I fear I've lost my head

I can think it through myself

Life's a sham and every move is wrong; we've examined every move as we move along

Winning is everything to me

Nothing is everything to me

God you're pretty

[name] is supposed to make the dinner, be a patsy, lose at chess; always bravely acquiesce

Don't start explaining, I'm sick of explaining

Making a Home

We're concerned with setting a tone, with filling the space, making a home

What it needs is people, men and women talking

Visit when you please, you are not required to phone

Books abound to show we read

Afternoons, we make hors d'oeuvres, after afternoons, we receive

Yes, we love the bed; yes, we love to fight the unknown

The Games I Play

I don't look for trouble, I do not accept blame

I've a good and a bad side, but they're one and the same

Ask me to arouse you, I will rise and obey

I’ve been playing canasta disasta-rously

All my recreation seems to suit me okay

It's tough with love, love's tough to show

Let me face the music, it's a song that I was waiting to hear so long… so long ago

Ask me if I love him, it depends on the day

Play again the music, it's a song that I been waiting to hear for much too long-- years, years too long

It hurts not to love him; it hurts when love fades

Ask me if I “need” him? Get him out of my way!

I Never Wanted to Love You

I never wanted to love you, I only wanted to love and not be blamed

Let me go, you should know… I'm not ashamed to have loved you

I loved you more than I meant to

I love the things I've never had

I never wanted to love you, I never wanted, 'till death do we two part'… condescend, stay my friend

How do I start not to love you?

Our hands were tied, my father cried 'you'll marry,' we married!

Father to Son

I was scared, I kept marching in one place, marching in time to a tune I'd forgotten

I've made my choice, you can sing a different song

#ask meme

0 notes

survivoratomic-acadia · 6 years

Text

Confessionals!

Hi it is Olivia! So I don't have the gifs of this season or the player banners so this will be separated by day since I was just an intern and didn’t keep track of confessionals or what day it was when they were posted. Its just all of the confessionals for this season on one post. Sorry for the delay!

5/22

Tim

WHY ARENT I ON THE PRETTY TRIBE! I love Aren already he seems super fun and chill! Certain people... however make me wonder why they are all stars.. jk lmao Im here to have fun and do great!

Aren

Spoiler alert, the f3 is trixie/madison/aren!!!

QuilLynn

So its me, QuilLynn, Two-time winner, next first boot of atomic! I'm happy to be with Dana, but idk about the rest of tribe. I don't really click with anyone, so i'll probably just try to let dana have the social game and i'll just like cling to her coat tails until merge or a swap. I'm trying to be my catty self and form a pretty girls alliance with Dana and Sarah since we are all Iconic woman winners, but I know Sarah will be more loyal to dan, or I think it at least. I'll fill you in more later, gotta go mingle! <3 xoxo gossip ho

Stephen

Its what, one hour into the game and I already love sarah. i knew this season was going to be crazy, it is after all all-stars. So that means no inactives to vote out round one. Eek. So I’ve got to work fast to make those social connections and try and get myself a place in whatever majority forms if we lose immunity. Which we wont. I love creative writing, if we lose this because of my writing I might as well give up writing altogether.

Aundra

"THIS IS BRAZY!! Going into this im ""like Jesus do i want any IOS people in?"" ""theres going to be at least one, right?"" SIKE! THERES 3!! i cant deal im super excited that tim and heather are in the same game as me because they're great people Stephens also here which is awkward a little but i dont really feel like theres any bad blood between us, we've basically made up since IOS . ALSO IM ON A TRIBE BUILT MOSTLY FROM WINNERS. I really wanted to have some winners on my tribe that way i could have hopefully a built in alliance but all winners except one is on my tribe thats so much pressure. And unlike most games ive had a small convo with just about everyone on my tribe/ know them or i like them. this game is definitely going to be different experience and hopefully it will be a long and fulfilling im really looking forward to this season.

my game plan for right now is to get on the good side of all the people that haven't won a game yet and get the other winners out. target #1 QuilLynn SHE HAS WON TWICE. did they let sandra make it to merge?? NO do i want to go far with her in this game? NO is she probably a great person? MAYBE but i dont want to take chances and im gonna be pretty limited at the begging of this game so hopefully the will let me survive long enough to establish myself apart of this game.

Hopefully this game is worth it and is as fun is it was last time even if like time i was sent into a depressive mode thanks pressure last time i think i can take it this time! lmao xoxo, gossip girl "

5/23

Madison

TOO MANY PEOPLE I KNOW. TOO MANY PEOPLE THAT HATE ME. I’M GONNA DIE SO FAST.

Dan

"So I like a lot of my tribemates which is cool because if I didn’t I would have quit night one and thrown all the rice in the fire. There’s a ton of Lago representation, which I’m not surprised about, but am v concerned about. It’s like when you were in like 7th grade and you had those friends you talked to every day and then summer came and y’all didnt talk for a while and you come back for 8th grade and things are chill and you catch up, but they still know you’re better than them in every way.

This first challenge is....a choice. I love Cameron with all of my heart normally, but this makes me only love him with my right atrium, so there’s that. I havent taken an English class since 12th grade so y’all know I’m basiclally illiterate now.

I’m just hoping for a cute little jury placement and play a more UTR Sammy-esque game this time around. I know that eventually the wheels will fall off of that plan and I’ll go into full on neurotic, here, queer, and not going anywheer mode where I win like 6 consecutive immunities, but for the mean time I’m goung to try to be diverse, and show I’m not a one trick homosexual. "

Sarah

"Hey so let me just tell yall im stoked for this season bc im back for ALL STARS!

First season winner and flop returning again.

I adore this cast and the fact that I have been put on a tribe with all the winners (except luke) is amazing. we created a girl winner alliance right away with me, dana and quillynn. I adore them so much!

Also im connecting with stephen and i think he likes me! I will prob be able to control him a tiny bit this season so lets see how that goes :~)

I just want to let yall know there will rocks this season bc me and julia are back! Were not on the same tribe but i adore that bitch and shes just as equal craziness as me

So far i have connections af and i havent burned any bridges with the ppl in this game so im literally in love

Jay will probably want to get me out asap but fuck u im on my own tribe OK

Anyways just like s1 i have an alliance made almost immediately and i have connections!

Also i did the whole immunity so incase we lose they will feel guilty of voting me out WHHAAHAHAHHA

Anyways ill be back later with more news"

Aundra

"A tribe full of mostly winners.. in a way sounds ideal. It’s not the only person that’s attempt the first challenge is Sarah and Sammy helped out i wrote half of one which is better than I bet majority of team has done I highly doubt we’re going to win the challenge becaus Sarah’s story is not all that great it lacks anything it’s just boring but aleast she tried she put forth some effort toward the challenge and I honestly don’t want to go to a tribal that would be the worst also did I forget to mention that the idol system for this season is the exact same way as IOS which I suched and was probably the worst person in the moors of all time cannot l t me just make merge so I can have and isle of skye reunion with my main man tim cause I really need someone that would be my ride or die and I wouldn’t have to worry about betraying me

Also I QuilLynn is a really cool person it would be hard to vote them out ( I think that’s there pronoun caus ewhen we were talking she started using we and what not so I’m gonna call her they/them for now on) and Duncan obviously did some sorta research on the cast cause he came at me with basically my whole tumblr survivor history. I gotta watch him closely Xoxo, gossip girl "

Tim

"Everyone: oh this challenge is so cute its gonna be great

Me internally: It's ok but I thought I'd see it at swap or something its not my favvvorite

Also them: Doesn't write anything for the challenge but some gives ideas

Me: Guess I'll just... write."

Well I just wrote my story for the tribe and trixie drew some bomb ass pictures! It really brought the story to life a bit and I appreciate the partnership effort!

Stephen

"Duncan: Don’t backstab me okay? Me sharpening my knives: Unfortunate Like I love the guy but anyone who asks for an alliance day one can easily become a target or an asset. If we end up losing this challenge I will either throw him under the bus of us or us him to get numbers. Also about this challenge, I feel really bad for not having more input, especially after I bragged about my writing. But tbh this prompt is very specific, and doesn’t really mesh with my style of writing. And by the time I had caught up with messages and read what Sarah had written it was 11:30. Sorry guys."

Duncan

https://youtu.be/5PLE0dQ1mIk

Aundra

"this is going to sound completely under believable but it’s all true and happened day while I was in the the Acadia Mountains on a afternoon hike. So I was walking having a very nice time enjoying a new trail I’d never taken before. It was longer than most and seemed to never end, I almost thought I was going around in circles. When I was finally about to give up my gps went off saying I was near a geocache! So like any normal person I went to go it. When i found the capsule it began to glow. Strongly and brightly it started to shine. I’d never seen a geocache this big so I decided I was going to take it the I noticed something weird on it it had names next to dates on it. QuilLynn- 1902 Samuel- 1913 Dana- 1940 Sammy- 1953 Dan- 1969 Sarah- 1982 Stephen- 1986 Heather- 2000 Duncan- 2012 Aundra- 2018

I had no idea what this list meant or who these people were, I’d so find out. I started my way back to my car but never made it back that day. Once I began to try and leave the geocache started heating up. It became so I dropped it. I would’ve ran off then and there but I started hearing a voice. “Give me what I want and I’ll give you what you want!” Said the dark and gargled voice. “What do you want?” I said quickly to scared to think of anything else to say. “Your soul!” Whisper little voices so close to my ear I could feel there lips nibbling on my earlobes. I got chills and started panicking breathing heavy. Fast. Hard. Deeply. I thought I was gonna pass out but surprisingly stayed awake. “What do o get in return?” I asked the voice. “Happiness” it shot back quickly. “Ok, have it.”

That’s the half of the story I wrote defiantly better than Sarah’s but it’s whatever hopefully her story can pull through with a W Xoxo, gossip girl "

Dan

"Our story is........... garbage honestly.

What happened to Heather’s amazing 7 deadly sins story line??? We got a stale piece of white bread with no plot or anything with just food jokes??? Sarah did her best yes, but when your best is subpar it’s kinda hard to like win a challenge ya know? "

Heather

Wow first confessional after immunity, we stan a mess. So before anyone can get situated we get our challenge thrown at us and of course it is something I am actually terrible at: WRITING. Hun I cant write for shit. But I came up with a great idea that I thought would really sell the judges being the 7 deadly sins. However there are 10 people so 3 would be the ones who find the geocache and use the items in it to fend off the other 7 who are possessed by the sins. Everyone was like super excited for it, but Sarah didn't use it in the writing, which is upsetting since I really wanted to be sloth and be fended off with like Nyquil or something, but aye that's how shit is. Now I guess its time to get these bitches on my side and find out who to get rid of.

5/24

Duncan

so we lost. Obviously i'm not thrilled about it but I'm not filled with rage or anything like that. If i go home first I'll be a little surprised but I don't think thats going to happen. What I'm kind of hoping to form is a foursome of me dan heather and sammy. I think that would be a very strong group at least for now. As for the longevity of the group? I don't know. I just know I told dan and sammy individually that i want to work with them and heather is someone who dan trusts. Sammy and Dan played lago together so hopefully they'll be on good terms. This way Dan can kind of be seen as the leader of the group and if anyone tries to take a shot at the grouping later down the road it will be his head on the line and not mine. As for who goes home at tribal? I don't think people will vote for Quil or Dana as not to stir the pot. We can't vote out Sarah. It would be mcfucked if we did that to her. So that leaves Stephen, Aundra and Samuel. Obviously I would like to keep Stephen around because he can be an asset to me moving forward. As for Aundra and Samuel? think Aundra is a little enigmatic but i like him. I also like Samuel, he was the last person to add me but we've been talking the most out of all people that are brand new to me. Speaking of being brand new. I kind of want to talk to Heather and Aundra and be like "THIS IS ALL STARS!! WHY Y'ALL ACTING BRAND NEW!?!" because I've talked to them like the bare minimum. Do you know the untucked where that quote was from? God i love untucked. Where was I? Oh yeah. Hopefully they don't send my ass packing first. I haven't thrown out any names, hopefully someone can throw out a name by noon tomorrow. I'll report back later if i have time. xoxo gossip gorl. also woo mitch! im going to try and win this for us since we were robbed in alcatraz <3

Luke

"Hi hello we won immunity and that’s pretty iconic! I like a majority of my tribe but I’m SCARED of if we have to go to tribal because I think I will DIE!

Opinions on my tribe:

Aren: he’s iconic! He’s british and we hit it off right away, I think he’s going to make a great ally for me!

Carson: I love Carson so much ahhhh, I’m excited to see him in this game because we always work really well together. He’s definitely a number for me.

Chris: last time I played with Chris was in Great Lakes when he had a premade to help him get to the end so I can’t wait to get my revenge lol (:

Julia: I love Julia but she always makes it difficult to work with her because she always explodes on somebody and people want her out because of it. I hope she stays a little calm this game because I could use her.

Madison: uggghhhh. I like Madison, I do. She just got me out in BBFurby and I am a LITTLE bitter about but she says she wants to work with me. I believe her like...70% because I think that she’ll take the opportunity to take me out when she can. So I need to get her first.

Ruthie: My Dead Sea queen!! We worked so well together in Dead Sea and she was vital in my plans to win and it worked out for me. I hope she wants to work with me again!

Tim: Tim is one of two people I didn’t know coming into my tribe but he’s super sweet! Our conversations have been nice so far!

Trixie: ugh stupid furby BITCH! i hate this SKANK i want her to CHOKE she will be first boot and we made it no secret in PMs we hate each other >:( HEHE JK i love this bitch can’t wait to work with her again "

Trixie

"Trixie's Alcatraz Confessional Strike Receipt #1

[2018-01-25, 9:51:48 PM] Cameron Bee-Culpepper (Atomic Admin): Pls trixie [2018-01-25, 9:51:51 PM] Cameron Bee-Culpepper (Atomic Admin): ur gonna get another strike [2018-01-25, 9:52:02 PM] Cameron Bee-Culpepper (Atomic Admin): why… why are u like this "

Dana

"There are NOT enough horses on this Island Cameron!!!!

Ok but fr me, Sarah, and my mother Quail have a Pretty Girls Only Alliance. This is a strategy Quil and I have used before, where we rope in a third girl and work with her, but Sarah is smart af so idk if she'll just like work with us and not ask questions.

Then we all made a winners alliance, which I love. But the only problem is I have a cersh on Sammy... so we can't vote him out NEVER EVER. "

Jay

I haven't really done much but i want to make the weed alliance aka me chris and Julia

Heather

Ok so when I saw Stephen here I was like " Hey maybe we can make amends and work together this season" Then all of a sudden people are targeting him. Also Aundra is on my tribe which if anyone doesn't know I adore Aundra well I do. But he is having wifi problems which sucks. I also heard Samuel's name which I would much rather like to roll with. Ughh too many icons tho why u do this. Right now I seem to be working a lot with Dan and Sammy a bit ( Wow Lago thanks a lot) even though Dan idoled me out but he d=cant do that this game cause of NO FUCKING IDOLS. Speaking of advantages I got me a heavy rock. The heavy rocks power is that I can throw it at someone at tribal and cause them not to vote. I laughed so hard when I got it cause who doesn't want to throw a rock at someone. I am really loving this violent all star season. I hope next time I hunt I get a heavier rock where I can throw it at someone to get them out of the game. hehe

Sam

Wig going okay so far!!

Ruthie

I'm SO glad that I'm on a tribe with so many creative people, i'm super busy until tomorrow and i'm just READY for summer vacation so I'm glad I'm not flailing about to save myself. I've connected a bit with Aren after not talking to him in like two years so that's nice!

Tim

Their story was cute! But you know gorgeous (our story) next to cute. Gorgeous is just gonna devour cute. [Plz tell me yall get this reference lol]"

Our efforts actually won us the comp.. I feel so inspired to write now.

This is the season that I came to play hard and win. These comps bettee get ready because Im giving it my all and not giving up.

Ali

just popping in to say cam & olivia are the DREAM TEAM and I lav them both :)

Sammy

okay so woo i have a lot to talk about kinda...so i usually make an intro saying how i feel about everyone but umm let’s skip that. The cast is super cool but I have to be super careful because I’m playing with the best of the best? Anyways I wasn’t around to help with the story that much but I did go through and edit stuff I saw...so I did something! There were three names going around today and they were Samuel, Aundra, and Stephen. Now Stephen probably thinks that like it was me that is trying to go for him but his name was brought to me? I know we kinda said we wouldn’t target each other this round buttt he usually lies to me so why not. He took me out of the last couple games we were in together and I feel like he has something against me? Idk. So yeah...and last night i did the trails thing and I freaking got caught by a park ranger for touching a rock. I’m so dumb. The whole tribe knows I was searching:/ rip. Anyway I’m trying to get the numbers on my side and Duncan wants an alliance with me him dan and Heather. But also I might be getting myself into a little group with Dana and quill and hopefully sarah? Idk but woo.

Aundra

"So look im not that smart and all im looking for is the Ali to my Jay and right now, seems like thats not possible. So we lost immunity like i said we were going to because it was obvious any who QuilLynn decides to make a winners alliance which im definitely not going to say no to that because thats safety and numbers for a little while BUT im stupid and may have just leaked the whole thing to Duncan who i thought was a winner and isn't. ik he pays very close attention to things (or at least i think so) and this could really bad on my part and to my game hopefully it wont and all is good

QuilLynn is like a really cool person but im on to them i just have to wait till the perfect moment to strike or to get voted off lmfao but im watching them. Stephen is unfortunately the vote tonight which really suck because i wanted to kinda work on our relationship from the last game that we played in. He doesn't really deserve this but it has to happen to everyone . im also thinking of becoming very close to QuilLynn they say keep your friends close and your enemies closer for a reason xoxo, gossip girl"

Carson

"Wow I like most of my tribe?? Everyone is really funny and I actually don’t want to quit on day 2. Who would have thot.

Being on a tribe with Chris stoner AGAIN is terrible, but Luke is also here and that makes up for it. I cannot wait to vote him out for playing me in Alcatraz! "

Stephen

So I have heard absolutely nothing about the vote, then I ask Aundra. So then he messages me saying he’s voting Samuel, but before I can respond he deletes the message. Then claims it was a link he sent to the wrong person. Wow, glad to see he’s gotten less messy since Isle of Skye, but he did win that one so I should never underestimate him. I wouldn’t be surprised if I went home tonigh with all this radio silence, so I’m voting Samuel on the off chance I can survive.

Julia

So like these hoes so boring. I rly h8 Chris stoner, and I’ve been so high idk what’s really been happening I’m floating rly bad rn but idrc

Chris Stoner

"So I’ve been in Denver! Not good timing but it’s all good cause we won the first comp and now I’m home to socialize and compete.

Instantly me and jay clicked. Jays a cool dude. I don’t expect jay to take me far but I do think he knows I will work him.

I’ve also talked a bit with Tim and Aren. Both are cool dudes. I played with Luke and Julia before, both whom were against me. So should be fun to see how all these relationships play a role. Hopefully it’s not too bad. "

5/25

Heather

SO Immunity just ended and I am a little bit nervous about it. I definitely did the most for my tribe so hopefully I can pull out a win. We had some people like NOT EVEN PARTICIPATE. Like we in allstars bitches we gotta not flop ughh. I feel bad for voting out Stephen last round because I wanted to talk to him about flipping the vote, but he didn't get on until I was in a concert. Samuel I don't think participated so I can prob get votes on him. IF WE NEED TO WHICH I FEEL LIKE WE WILL. (Im Cam messaging to confess while I am in the midst of it I love you hehe) I hope this didn't put a target on my back, or do it. welp time to go hunting for shit

Tim

Um this challenge is so rushed and Aren and Julia are dead!!!

Madison, who is arguably one of the most beneficial members of the tribe so far, sat out and Im not sute if were gonna win!

Heather

I swear I am about to rip out my hair. I got the most points in the whole hunt and WE STILL LOST. I GOT FOR OVER HALF MY TRIBES POINT. I AM PISSED AND AM ABOUT TO STRANGLE A BITCH BUT THIS BITCH GOTTA BE SWEET.

5/26

Aundra

"So QuilLynn is my new favorite person i mean they kinda already were but like now it official because the feeling are both ways and i could be happier on other news we lost immunity again and im pretty surprised at how close it came down to right now it votes are between Sarah and Samuel. Sarah's apart of the winners alliance so i doubt they'll want to vote her out which i kinda do because im looking at the bigger picture. winners are very intimidating to me and the more there are in the game the scarier im going to be. this round shouldn't result in me going home if the odds are in my favor. ( also if you couldnt understand my wonderfull story sorry that it had alot of typos) xoxo, gossip girl P.s. I know that its going to be revealed pretty obvious who gossip girl is when these get posted but it so fun to sign off everything with it so your gonna have to live with it. "

Chris Stoner

Nothing much. We keep winning which is nice. Gives me some time to find an alliance. I still feel pretty isolated because of my schedule. It’s hard to talk to ppl. I’m sure I’m the easy boot. So maybe a swap will come soon

Dan

So I feel like I’m personally in a good spot even though we keep losing. I’m on good terms with basically everyone left. Duncan offered me an out of the winners alliance that won’t effect any of my relationships with them. I guess Aundra accidentally leaked the winners alliance to Duncan thinking he was a winner, but Duncan and I talked things out and all is good. I was aligned with him before them and I explained it was a one week kinda thing for me personally to make sure a winner didn’t go home first. So now we have a target of Aundra bc he done goofed haha. Byeeee

Luke

Hi nothing is happening because we won immunity woo! i have some seaglass which is cute so i look forward to using that WOO! Aren made himself a target by not submitting which makes me sad but Julia is basically inactive so I lowkey hope we vote her out first looool

Sammy

ahh okay so I’m super tired and like I’m flying to California and I have been up for over 24 hours...ANYWAY I did what I could in the scavenger hunt and I think some people didn’t really try. I’m just in so many games but like the problem is I forget I apply for them and I’m like uh oh. I think aundra is going home tonight but at the same time it could be me because I haven’t talked to anyone. I’m trying to find a good balance between the way I played in Alcatraz and the way i played in Lago and hopefully make it far!!

Ruthie

So I’m really sad that a few people didn’t participate in the selfie hunt but I am happy that so many people did and even more happy that we’re safe another week! I suspect that we’re going to swap tribes soon though which is kind of frightening!!

Quil

So this is a MESS. Aundra “accidnetally” leaked the winners chat to Duncan. Now I LOVE Aundra but this has made him the target. I’ve been trying my best to help with damage control but people still want to vote him!!! I’m trying to push to get Duncan out because I like just don’t trust him, idk UGH.

Duncan

its round two and im going home because i worked all day and wasn't able to contribute to the challenge at all rip. I trust that Sammy, Samuel, and Dan wouldn't vote me out but if Aundra teams up with the girls and gets them to vote for me I'm donezo. Aundra leaked the winners chat thing and has basically ghosted me all day and I appreciated their story the first round but if they want me out he can go. Dan told me that Quil and Dana were going back and forth about voting out me or Aundra and if I am safe tonight?? Thank god for Dan. That man can do magic. I just want to spend some more time on the island but i don't know if I'm gonna last in these conditions tbh. The game has only just started and to go home now in round two would be like going to orlando but not going to disney world. Like I want to ride space mountain so badly, i dont want to go.

5/27

Duncan

Okay so a lot of shit happened. Firstly Samuel got med evacd from the game this canceling tribal council. Like that’s crazy, I really liked him and wanted to work with him but his dog passed so he might be in a funk and I just hope he’s not depressed and he’s doing okay at this point. Now at the same time this could’ve been a blessing or a curse. If everyone was lying to me and I was going out the door then this was a blessing and I’ve been given a second life. As for if aundra was leaving? Then this is a curse. But who can never be sure besides the hosts I suppose. Then we get told to drop our buffs. Drop these buffs honey? I’ll drop more than just this buff honey! Ohhhhh hooooooonnnneeeeeyyyyyy! So yeah! I’ll talk more about my new tribe later

5/28

Tim

Im really vibing with everyone on my tribe all of them are really neat. The person I've bonded least with is Dana unfortunately.

Carson

HALF OF MY FUCKING TRIBE DIDNT SUBMIT... THE CLOWNS HAVE JUMPED OUT. I CANNOT BELIEVE THAT I SPENT THE TIME I SHOULD HAVE BEEN SLEEPING ON THESE PEOPLE. I JUST WANT TO MERGE SO I CAN PLAY WITH LUKE AND WE CAN COWIN AND EVERYTHING WILL BE FINE

Aundra

"Idk if I already said this but I was probably going to be voted out because of how I told Duncan about the alliance on accident so he and Samuel decide to try to get me out idk if I would’ve stayed if Samuel didnt get med evac because he didn’t vote lmao what a dummy. We had swap which was nice mainly because I got to stay with most of the people in cool with include my allstars bff QuilLynn and Tim now!!! Happy that he and I can work together this time instead of directly against eachother I really like this tribe as a whole really and see good things going for us till we make merge which I feel will be soon do to the amount of people getting evacuated. What’s up with all these allstars being flops? Xoxo, gossip girl "

Jay

I'm so sad that Julia is gone but that's okay bc I have a new alliance. Honestly I made 0 bonds with anyone on my original tribe other than Julia, Chris, and Tim. So once I joined this tribe I immediately went to Sarah and Duncan and said I wanted to work with them. Which I mean, it's half true. I want to work with Duncan far into the game, but Sarah needs to go sooner rather than later. So my thought is I want to take out Madison or Trixie, doesn't matter to me. And then MAYBE try to see if I could take out Sarah the next time. She doesn't have to go that soon but if I can make it happen, I'd like it to happen.

Dan

I’m so pissed I wasted so much time and energy on that stupid ass game for nothing!!! I love life rn, couldn’t be happier (:

5/29

Dana

Nothing is happening. I like Dan more than I thought he would and we made a cute alliance chat.

Tim

Rip Aren also me, Aundra, and Quilynn might become a thing!!

Ruthie

"real life is SO overwhelming right now, i thought the summer would give me more time but it's... quite the opposite these days! As far as the game goes I am SO glad that our tribe is safe and that we don't have to see tribal for another week. I think it was SO lucky too hehe.

I've really connected a lot with Duncan, right now he's the person I would say I'm the closest to! "

Aundra

"Guess who found a hidden item!!? MEEE!! I found the magnifying glass which many already know allows me to see who someone voted for. This will definitely come on handy if there is a suspected rat and I got to find them hopefully this isn’t the only thing I find on my walks away from camp. Watch out cause I got eyes everywhere lol Xoxo, gossip girl "

Quil

the new pokemon games look so cute!!! Also love Aundra and Tim, trying to set up a side alliance with them that can take out the other winners down the line! Honestly if I make merge with the right people, we might be looking at my 3rd win folks!

Luke

My new tribe is actually pretty lit now. We’ve bonded by being the hosts’ favourites and winning two challenges! Same can’t be said for the other flops. I want to make an OG Bernard alliance with Carson and Chris to secure my spot in this game and make sure I’m not voted out before another swap. I need to be reunited with my friends!

5/30

Chris Stoner

So swap happened! I def feel swapfucked. 3/5 ppl on my tribe were on opposite sides as me in past games. The fourth person, heather, probably knows at least one of those 3 and will just go with them for an easy vote. Luckily we won and I did a lot in the challenge so I hope that keeps me around. I need another swap or merge... my days are limited with this tribe.

5/31

Dan

I’m so over these creative challenges. I rarely have time for them which sucks because I’d have time for challenges that are more typical. You know damn well we won’t end up producing anything of substance, Heather’s tribe will submit something oscar worthy, and we’ll be going back to tribal

Ruthie

My tribe... once again has not stated anything yet. I feel like this is gonna be another mess

Sammy

nothing insane is going on but like we have a lip sync challenge and I’m not home yet so this sucks hahah, I’m glad that we are doing good as a tribe and honestly everyone seems to be super kind and nice about everything. So we def have good tribe dynamics. I really enjoy playing with heather this time because in lago we were kind of against each other. I’m hoping we can work more together this game and I also hope me and Carson could work well. Oh and Luke, he puts off really good vibes and I click with him well.

Ruthie

I REALLY hope my tribe gets their act together this time around. Friday is... tomorrow.

Sarah

I hate my tribe they can all die in a pit of fire...that is all

Quil

"https://youtu.be/vis4R2MfzNA xoxo"

6/1

Duncan

Umm so we tribe swapped and MY TRIBE SUCCS EGGS!! it’s me and Sarah with jay, ruthie, trixie, and Madison. Ironically despite how inactive our tribe is we have the most members at this point in time. Julia got med evacd after the reward challenge and after the last immunity challenge, which we did not even attempt to complete, we learned the other tribe had forfeited the challenge and decided to have their tribal that night. We’re blessed as fuck to be ahead of the game right now but luck can’t last forever. We have had three days to do this movie trailer challenge but no one is ever on. I threw a while fucking idea and script out there but nothing ever came of it. If I go home because of my tribe’s inability to come together I’m gonna have a bitch fit

Sammy

literally like i keep suggesting things or asking questions and nobody responds I’m so annoyed. The only one that even responds to me some is heather...i really hope we win the challenge or i could be going home:/

Ruthie

So Madison and I just did the whole trailer by ourselves and Madison is doing 95% of the work, my lines took less than 5 minutes to film what the heck is the rest of our tribe doing

Tim

It appears as if QuilLynn has gone inactive and our tribe isn't going to submit which is sad! Just send me to final 3 tbh. Also our trailer had a cute concept ngl.

Olivia

REMEMBER THIS DAY AS THE DAY QUIL TURNED IN THE VIDEO LITERALLY 30 SECONDS BEFORE THE DEADLINE AND RIGHT BEFORE WE WERE GOING TO NOT ACCEPT ANYTHING FROM THE TRIBE BC THEY DIDNT ASK FOR AN EXTENSION

Carson

Heather is the proud owner of my wig whew

Aundra

"Guess who isn't going to tribal for the first time since the game started!!?? MEEE finally i dont have to try and vote out someone and make sure that im safe from getting voted. tbh i really like my tribe and would've hated to have to vote someone off i would really enjoying playing with all of them once we make merge if there are people left in the game to make merge with. these people are being such flops and not submitting confessional or voting its almost like what was the point of saying yes to playing the game. if only we had some real players in the game so i could be stressed and depressed / xoxo, gossip girl P.s. i know im not a girl but i can understand why someone would sign off with it its fun typing xoxo it makes me feeling like i run something lmaoo"

6/2

Stoner

. I’ve never gone to tribal yet this game and I want to keep it like that. I have a feeling the second I go to tribal I’m gone. Unless I merge. If I make merge I’ll have some more options and places to run and hide. I’ve tried talking to people and forming bonds but it’s just not working.

Trixie

"Trixie's Alcatraz Confessional Strike Receipt #2

[2018-01-31, 5:16:08 PM] Cameron Bee-Culpepper (Atomic Admin): Hello you have not yet made a confessional this round! Pls do that!

[2018-01-31, 5:17:33 PM] Trixie Stale-Werthers: im so sorry the link isn’t working for me

[2018-01-31, 5:17:48 PM] Cameron Bee-Culpepper (Atomic Admin): Sure jan

[2018-01-31, 5:18:19 PM] Trixie Stale-Werthers: im so sorry but something really bad is about to happen and there’s nothing i can do to stop it

[2018-01-31, 5:18:41 PM] Cameron Bee-Culpepper (Atomic Admin): can u not [2018-01-31, 5:18:48 PM] Cameron Bee-Culpepper (Atomic Admin): Can u just make a damn confessional

Heather

"https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hXmXsntB4RM

This was earlier BUT EVERYONE STEPPED UP AND WE WON THAT SHIT HEHEHE"

Luke

AW THE MOVIE TRAILER CHALLENGE WAS SO CUTE IT WAS SO FUN SEEING OUR TRAILER AND WE ALL INPUTTED SO IT WAS ICONIC! I love the Bernard tribe we work really well together and have won every challenge thus far. The other tribes are messy and have big players on them so it’s going to be interesting to see who leaves tonight. Maybe a winner? That’d be shookening. Although I do like this tribe I’d love a swap or something, there’s never much wiggle room on a tribe as small as this but for now I’m content. Still need to work on that Carson/Chris/Luke alliance. Nothing much else to update on. Happy pride! ^.^

Dan

We won woo love life no one talks to me

Carson

We surprisingly killed that challenge after waiting until the last possible minute to start it. I’ve been really impressed with how my tribes stepped up after the reward fiasco a few rounds ago. It’s definitely nice not having to go to tribal, so not swapping would be best for me. I’m still tight with luke and plan on being so for the rest of the game. We’ve already talked about hooking up with the other great lakers come merge. After that, world domination!

Jay

I'm getting voted out it was fun while it lasted i guess :/

6/5

Sammy

woo okay so my tribe is doing so good and I’m so happy because if we lose immunity i know that me and heather don’t have the numbers....I’m hoping i make it to atleast jury. Alsooo i just did my maze and it went really well. Yayyyy, okay yes.

6/6

Carson

"So... is no one trying at these challenges? I'm really shocked that I'm actually dominating every single one of these. I normally do well in challenges, but I've performed better than i ever have before. Its definitely because i'm worried about my place on this tribe. Being that we havent gone to tribal yet, there aren't solidified alliances. I've also had no one start a conversation with me. The conversations I've started with people have never lead to any sort of alliance building either. It makes me believe that I could try to be blindsided because I'm the strongest in challenges and that the merge is on the horizon. I wouldn't put it past these people honestly. I know I have luke in my corner, but stoner is a huge wildcard to me, especially since he's both saved me and burned me in the past. We had a weird relationship in Alcatraz, and it makes me hesitant to trust him in this game.

Also I asked Luke the round where he got caught searching if he wanted to work together with me to find the idol. His response was yes, however nothing has transpired from it. Ive sent him my search route once, but he never reciprocated by telling me the routes he's done since he went many times before I even tried. He probably already has it honestly, which is fine, I just wish he would be honest with me about it."

Tim

Woo we won!!! I CAN RELAX

Sarah

I hate hate my tribe pt 4

Quil

So im in a good spot still, I'm literally queen of this series, but trixies tribe lost again and she's probably going home and I swear i'm going to be so pissed if i lose a jury vote rn because of that fatass tribe of rejects! (idk who is on it tbh but still!!!)

Heather

WOO Another immunity and reward. We stan the Bernard tribe. Even tho Carson basically won the flash game. King of flash games. I kinda hope another swap is happening soon but at the same time our tribe is doing fine with challenges soo hehe.

Luke

wow hello i forgot about this omg.... we won immunity and reward again that's so amazing! Bernard tribe has been killing it but it's been boring, i need a change of scenery. i need to meet up with my friends again and kill this game and WIN i really want to fucking win oh my lord please let me win

Madison

IT's boring af! I want to pick this shit up! Tribals have been easy! I want to be SPOOKED! Put me on a tribe with people that hate me or something I want DRAMA.

In addition to my last confession, I'd love for someone to call me a fake feminist right about now. Do you think Sarah will since we're voting her out?

6/7

Dan

"Literally so shocked we won. I’m not surprised I did well, but like I was so worried others wouldn’t turn it out. I thought we were getting a one way ticket to tribal, but I guess my tribe is a little more iconic than I thought.

I might actually try to talk to people today???? Idk haha I’m just so pretty and can’t be bothered"

Duncan

Like I said! Our tribe succcccs really bad!! Madison and I and ruthie get to choose which of Sarah and trixie go home. Either way is going to be pissing someone off. Hopefully we make the right decision because I feel a swap coming on

Tim

Fuck my game with this swap huh.

Aundra

"Feet don’t fail me now take me to the finish line I feel so alone on this Thursday thanks to lady O and Cam I think I need wine. ANOTHER SWAPP WHYYYY my tribe was like the best people ever and we worked very well together now I’m with a group of people I’ve never meet which means I have to sit around and talk to them all to get to know them. This is horrible to me 1) I’m a lunatic and going crazy because I’m hella overwhelmed over the last day of school 2) I don’t really want to work with all these people and will more than likely be an outsider because I know NOBODY on this tribe 3) the only person I think I might know looks like Miranda Cosgrove and she’s allegedly super great at everything and multitalented soon to be governor of some state in America. I literally can not. IM SEPARATED FROM MY NEW GAME BFF QUILLYNN we haven’t really talked in awhile but when your tribe is safe you don’t really have to talk plus we’ve all been kinda busy but that’s besides the fact they err my ride or die along Tim IM AWAY FROM MY BFF TEEM I pretty sure Cam and Olivia hate me but you know what they say the devil can work but Normani works harder Xoxo gossip goat "

Dan

Mcscuse me???? Under construction? You know my ass is Charlie Day-ing this shit searching the blog for things. I'm officially crackdt.

6/10

Tim

Now I now more about Maine than myself. Lmao but we won woo!!

Quil

Just another day of me being the most iconic winner! Kinda sad Sarah got taken out but, at the same time its one step closer to my 3rd win!

Aundra

"So we’re voting Stoner out my favorite person on my tribe tbh i vibe with him and he’s cool the rest of these people ain’t all that and a bag a chips. I have to sit around and lie to him and say Duncan is the vote when ik that he’s the vote which makes me feel horrible because being blindsided is never fun I lowkey hope I’m getting blindsubwvaus the cast is basically full of the the people that could never and winners and the winner seem over it they’re trash in a way like come on people this is an allstar season and you sit around like your here just to be here at least act like you signed up to play and weren’t forced that’s really all I got to say so here’s to me bein a bad friend and to me possibly getting voted out! Xoxo gossip goat"

Luke

"My new tribe was a disaster at first but now everybody wants a bite of this english muffin :~)

I have Dan I have Trixie I have Madison and Duncan as a threeway

Ugh my mind"

Duncan

I don’t know what’s happening. It’s been a stressful week irl and idk why I’m playing a game rn. I’m probably going home but I’ve heard stoner as the vote so that’s what I did. If I die hopefully my daughter Madison thrives

Heather

Wooo Tim and I did that kahoot. I thought a tribe swap would mean I would lose for the tribe tbh.

Dan

This vote seemed way too easy tbh. Did I want a comeback story arc with Stoner? I mean kinda? But like he’s also straight and it’s pride month so he gotta get the boot sis. This all could be an elaborate scheme to get me out but in all reality it’s a waste bc I’m so busy in my real life that I pay an ounce of attention to this. (To clarify I do care about this game I just had a super busy weekend full of social events and you know that this boy doesn’t ever have a social life so he had to take advantage of it!!!!)

Ruthie

"I'm SO glad that the people on my tribe are good at challenges! I hope I can do something with the next one so I can show that I'm useful and not just taking up space on the beach bahah!

I have no idea what will happen tonight but we'll see! I don't think that there will be another swap anytime soon. "

6/11

Heather

We most certainly do not stan this upcoming one world. No we most certainly do not.

Dan

I love rigging my random.org so Dana is safe. Gotta look out for my winners after Sarah's messy ass left haha. But seriously random.org picked her. I think Heather and Tim will be a little annoyed that I didn't pick someone from Lago, but if they ask I literally have screenshot proof that I randomized it to be fair with a time stamp so like they can calm down. And if one of them goes, oh well??? I really hope merge is next. I feel like this game is going by so quickly, I am forever thankful for that.

Aundra

"A tribal twist that I really like but both robes are gonna to tribal I think tonight or tomorrow idk I haven’t been paying attention and am more of a mess than normal I really wish I was working with my peeps and not with these randos that are probably going to vote me out which sucks but hopefully I’ll make jury given that we get to go to tribal second it’s all about the motion of the ocean Xoxo gossip goat "

6/12

Tim

Damn it I thought I had a good score in immunity but I lost :////. Congrats Carson and Dan i guess lol but comp beasts can choke (in the game that is). Dana and uhhh someone else is safe so hsbdd. Yeah so the plan is to stick with Quil, Dana, and Carson so ya!

Quil

Idk if im going home or not. Dan is dead to me for not giving me immunity!!! Ruthie better be leaving or yikes

Tim

So it looks like Ruth is dying because of this ugly twist!!! But hey atleast its not someone active.

Luke

"YES YES YES CARSON CAME THROUGH FOR ME AND HE GAVE ME IMMUNITY I'M SO FREAKING HAPPY. This just proves that the relationships I'm making in this game are working to my benefit and are keeping me safe and I could not be happier right now. This tribal council is a difficult one. I like everybody on my tribe but I said I'd work with Madison and Duncan, I said I'd work with Dan, I said I'd work with Trixie which leaves Aundra as really my only option to vote. It sucks because I like Aundra a lot but they don't really talk to me or anybody and it's getting to the point where if you don't try, you gotta go...

I'm expecting a merge after this tribal council because we'll be at 11 (I think ) which is perfect for a merge. I can meet up with Quil, Trixie and Dana, I can get back with Carson and also utilise my relationship with Madison/Duncan. I think I'm gonna make it far providing I play this game smart WOOOO O"

Sammy

ugg okay so I’m on a tribe with everyone that i like so making this decision is gonna be so hard:/ I’ve heard Ruthie tho imso im just gonna go with it....

Madison

"Me: throws immunity

Also me: feels like everyone is sketchy and that I’m probably going home this week.

Am I mad? Not particularly. "

Aundra

"Guess who’s probably going home! Me!! NOBODIES saying anything to me about a vote everyone is “lost” and i think I’m voting Trixie no need to keep dead wieght on our tribe and if these people vote me out they’re idiots complete dummy’s for keeping people that won’t work with them and can’t contribute to the tribe stupid people do stupid things Xoxo gossip goat"

6/13

Tim

I MADE MERGE WOOOO

6/14

Luke

"Hello well all of the conversations about this game spicing up at merge were true because this cast is fucking CRACKEDT and I have no idea what's going on. I'm in an alliance with Duncan, Madison and Dan... Quillynn, Trixie and Dana expect me to vote with them so I'm kinda stuck between two threesomes but Dan wants to talk to me privately in a few about something and I think it's about the same thing I wanna talk to him about. It's about us being STUCK because we're expected to vote a certain. All I know is my name hasn't been brought up so that's good.

After this round, depending on which way to go I want to work with the group I don't betray, Dan and Carson. I think it'd be smart of me. I just need to talk with Dan before we decide what's going on. Will keep you posted. "

Duncan

I might go home because Tim has the fattest mouth on the block. I was hoping for some black guy magic but I just don’t think it’s in the cards. I think one of us will go home and do I know why he chooses the karringtons over the rest of us? No. Also I haven’t really done shit strategically this game and have barely been around socially idk how I’m stil here. Over jay Sarah stoner and aundra? I don’t know how he does it. Maybe if I do nothing in every game I’ll be guaranteed merge. I just don’t get why people are coming after me. You’re not going to like hearing it but sometimes I forget I’m in this game. I’m just now getting my feet game wise but apparently I can’t go in the kiddy look without enduring a shark attack

Dan

Honestly I’m really happy that my name wasn’t thrown around this vote it’s a hot ass mess and I’m aligned with too many people

Heather

"This round is a mess. Heres what happened Madison wanted Isle of Skye Alliance Her me and Tim make said alliance I get busy and cant message and only do 12 stones for immunity thinking imma lose I win cuz everyones dead Quil wants to gun for Duncan Madison and I wanna gun for Quil Tim does what he always does in games and snakes Quil confronts me I lie I tell Duncan we should gun for Tim NO ONE IS TELLING ME WHO THEY VOTING WJDJSHD"

Carson

God this round was kind of a hot mess for me. So my main concern going into the merge is not being a target. I knew coming into the merge people would see me as a threat based on my performance in challenges. So my first order of business was to throw the immunity challenge since I would still be among other challenge threats (luke and dan) if I don’t win. Next, I made sure I was still good with my alliance of quil, Dana, and Tim. Unfortunately, I don’t think it’s best for me to continue with that alliance. So I went ahead and made a side alliance with Duncan. I view him as a HUGE threat to win, but i feel better going to the end with him knowing I can beat him in immunity challenges. My old alliance is full of wildcards. So at this point, I’m pretty much aligned with everyone, which is both terrifying and exciting. I have been on tribes with Sammy and heather for the past few rounds. Luke and I are super close. I have a new alliance with Duncan that was formed to redeem ourselves from Alcatraz. Dan and Madison are allies of Luke and Duncan respectively, so I need to work on my social connection with them bc jury management. I’m starting to see a path to the finals, but more on that next round. I need to go run errands!!

Madison

Do I lowkey hope they flipped the vote on me and I go? yes. at least then someone will have made a move!!

6/15

Sammy

okay so so so I’m at camp and i feel like I’m missin so much stuff happening in the game. But I’m with quill and Dana....however Carson and Duncan want to work with me. BUT Duncan and Quill are against each other-_- why does this always happen to me.....

6/16

Duncan

I think it’s bananas that Tim went home. Well, not really, he broke peoples trust within the first round of merge. You can’t do that. I feel like no one is really playing the game rn besides like Madison and I love her but if I still have a shot to win, even though I’ve done retroactively nothing in this game, I’m still going to go for the W. So if I don’t go home tonight, expect me to start my cocaine drug abuse problem that I had in Alcatraz. Last time I was here for Mitch, this time im here for me. So once I start being active, it’s all over

Madison

"OKAY TEA. Trixie is literally voting however I’m voting bc she’s gonna be gone I’m CACKLING I LITERALLY HAVE A DOUBLE VOTE! WHAT A TIME TO BE ALIVE!!!

Idk who I want gone. If I go that’s cute too like it’s jury who cares but this is hilarious. Idols make me a little nervy but idk. "

Dan

"I'm so yikes over this vote rn. Like I knew I was aligning myself all over the place, but I wasn't expecting to have to pick a side. Quil basically confirmed today to Luke that votes would be public tonight, which makes this even worse bc I have to own my shit. I'm hoping that Madison doesn't freak the fuck out when she realizes she is really on the bottom. This is what she gets for Mongolia tbh. I turned over a new leaf with her for Lago and now it's my turn to snake. I'm gonna tell her Duncan is going at like 9:50 tonight if she has some advantage or something cute to save him, but like I just also feel like shit???

I don't especially trust Quil, but I need her in front of me bc she'll always be a bigger threat. I know I need to flip on her eventually, but with Quil gone, the drama is gone, the target is gone, and I'm a sitting duck.

Also peep the white gays killing all the POCs, I'm literally disgusted. "

Madison

WHEW okay so I knew the vote was going to flip obviously I’m not an idiot. so this is either going to work and make it seem like I’m on the bottom OR it’s gonna make them all flip and vote me out next round and that works too so. woohoo

6/17

Olivia

Dan searched the trails and found 1/3 idol. Luke searched at practically the same time but like with a 30 second delay. Both went down the EXACT same path. Luke lost the idol by like 20 seconds it was wild.

6/20

Dan

"I just scrolled 8 miles through the chat to find this yikes.

Honestly like if I go home this round it’s cool and whatever but I just feel like I’m great spot??? Luke showing his cards last week put the target on his back. Of fucking course he had to win immunity bc I didn’t have time to play Casanova, but like I feel like Sammy can go. I’m in 2 strong groups of three and Dana is my number one. I’m just proud I’m getting at least 7th in an all stars season where I’m coming in as a winner. "

6/21

Dan

"Wow so uh I got played huh. That’s what I get for being confident, thanks Demi!!! I just wish that someone clued me in on the Quillynn vote. Like yes I had been working with her, yes she was a big threat, but yes I would have gladly voted her ass out. She would have easily won if she got to the end just bc she’s a 2 time winner.

I did message Heather and Luke and said I would have gone along with the plan if I had known about it so hopefully they believe me bc that’s the honest truth. I really need to do some damage control with Sammy as well. The only reason I voted him was because no one gave me another alternative. I’m definitely not gonna win this game ugh. But again I’m happy that I made at least top 6 in an all stars game coming in as a winner. "

6/24

Dan

"Oh hey it’s me, Lago Dan, here to make an immunity run bc like I feel like I would have been next. I wouldn’t be surprised at all of Dana/Trixie/Luke team up against me and Sammy but also I really want to hope that Luke and Dana will go with the winners to the end mentality. I just realistically don’t see a winner winning if it’s not 3 winners at the end. The jury is fucking bitter bc it’s an all stars season and their entitled asses are just gonna have to get over it.

Realistically I don’t see me having many big moves on my resume besides the Heather vote last round. I think Heather needed to go because she really called the shots at the live Tribal with her vote and she’s someone that is likebale to the jury. This game I tried to get all the lago people out because none of them want me at the end again. The next to go in theory is sammy but I think I might try to give Trixie the boot tbh. Sammy is someone who could win final immunity, but let’s be real the kid lives at camp rn or some shit so maybe he won’t even show up again.

I really wanted to try to have a game with a bit more complexity than my first game but I think I ended up playing pretty similarly. This time I tried to hold off before winning comps and now look at me I’m slaying. But socially I think I faultered a few times in this game and I’m ready to face that bitter af jury"

6/27

Dan

This could very well be my last night in the game and it's super bittersweet. I hate that it's coming down to this fricken comp. I can't figure some things out because some things never got posted on the blog.... *EYES CAMERON AND OLIVIA FROM ACROSS THE ROOM* but anywho, Dana isn't giving me a straight answer about what's going on with everything and I just wanna die. Like Sammy told me he didn't do the comp, which is cool and will self vote to force the tie and then throw fire making, so like now that this confessional has taken a turn for the better I think I'm good (: hehehehehehheehhehehehee. I love being a two time winner (hopefully)

#donttaketherocks

0 notes

theangstbrigade · 7 years

Text

-- impenetrableVitality [IV] began pestering estrapadingTrueblue [ET] at 20:13 --

IV: i need to talk to you

ET: Im sure you do.

ET: The fuck is this about?

IV: you said a lot of stuff last night

IV: your and colt's thing is your thing but

IV: what did i do to make you hate me so much

IV: it's fine that you do i'd just like to know why

ET: Not to sound sardonic but are you referring to recently? Or in general.

IV: let's do both

ET: Yeah cool. Because either one is relevant.

ET: Youre an idiot and I fucking hate seeing you make the same mistakes over and over again. Cuz for whatever reason you never learn from em.

ET: And somehow. It never fails but you always manage to make shit worse for you. Worse for everyone.

ET: Now theres a kid involved and we come back to the initial point.

ET: Youre an idiot.

IV: okay and you're always as vague as possible

IV: what same mistakes am i making exactly

ET: Why are we talking about this like it aint the most obvious shit in the world dude.

IV: because i don't know what the fuck i keep repeating

ET: You dont know how to take care of yourself so you take care of everyone else.

ET: You try but what the hell is the point??

ET: Youve never even liked you???????

ET: Real great example youre gettin ready to set onto someone whos got no way of formulating her own opinion about you.

ET: Its just the fucking worst reason to take in a little girl. To gratify all your own stupid fucking shortcomings.

ET: I hate it. And I hate you. End of story.

IV: that's a real nice story for someone you don't know anymore

IV: i mean i'd hate me too if any of that were true to who i am now

IV: what perspective are you looking from like 3-4 years ago

ET: I dont have to know you any more than you have to know me.

ET: Christ.

ET: Youre THAT predictable.

IV: i can admit i don't know who you are

IV: maybe i did when we were kids but people change and you changed and i changed

IV: i'm not fucking incompetent joel

ET: Still doesnt justify anything.

ET: Why you stayin with Colt huh? Do you not have a plan for her? You?

IV: i have a plan for her not being shoved around foster care like she would be if i hadn't taken her

ET: Thats your self righteous bullshit.

IV: so you're saying i should have left her but you would still hate me just as much wouldn't you

ET: Thats the general thing I was referencing to yes.

IV: because you see people as you want to see them regardless of anything else

IV: i'm finally at a place where i can admit that i've found a much better balance

IV: i can take care of other people and myself at the same time

IV: but you don't want to see that at all

IV: you want to hate me so you keep your reasons

IV: we were friends joel what the hell happened

ET: Whats a friendship if I aint ever been able to depend on you dude.

ET: You know what we talk about when we talk? You.

ET: Maybe Im fucking sick of it.

ET: Thats what the hell happened.

IV: then why didn't you tell me

ET: You didnt deserve to know.

IV: great

IV: perfect

IV: fuck

IV: look

IV: i know i was fucked up

IV: i know i was hurting other people when i was trying to be helpful

IV: like really hurting other people

IV: i have most of it under control now

ET: Well hey. Theres a point in your favor.

ET: Congratulations.

IV: do you know why i did what i did

IV: why i freaked out all the time at everyone and tried to do everything possible to make sure nothing bad happened to them

ET: No.

IV: are you going to let me tell you or will it be a waste of time

ET: Doesnt matter what I think.

IV: well it's not going to change the truth so let's give it a shot

ET: For fucks sake.

IV: ever since i can remember i couldn't stop thinking about everyone around me dying in horrible terrible but possibly preventable ways

IV: especially people i cared about

IV: i didn't want to think about it okay like

IV: but i could imagine it in my head all the time

IV: i found that there were certain items that i knew could help me in certain situations

IV: my backpack

IV: everything in my backpack i counted 3 times every day to make sure i had everything possible to do what i could to make sure no one else died

IV: it took over my life

IV: if i didn't have my backpack then i was too careless then all of those images would be right at the forefront of my mind again

IV: i remember being over at your place and the first time you got a cut all i could see was it getting infected and you dying

IV: it was awful i hated being so paranoid and neurotic all the fucking time

IV: i hated chasing you away

IV: and you're right yeah i hated who i was

IV: and it got to the point where i had somehow convinced myself i was the main problem

IV: i would lead everyone around me to their deaths because of how much my helping didn't actually help

IV: that's when the whole woods thing happened

IV: that's when i got diagnosed

IV: i got medication i got help i learned other methods to keep that stuff out of my head

IV: it didn't always work but

IV: surprise i'm sick

IV: officially fucked up

IV: and i'd like to think i've gone forward from then

IV: now you know

ET: Still dont see the point of you trying to level with me.

IV: if you want proof i'm not the same person

IV: ...

IV: fight me

ET: Bitch what.

IV: you've always wanted to

IV: i never let you

IV: so now i am

ET: Yeah okay.

ET: Time to fuck off Finn.

ET: Go home.

IV: i'm serious

ET: Yeah. So am I.

ET: This conversation never happened.

-- estrapadingTrueblue [ET] ceased pestering impenetrableVitality [IV] at 21:50 --

IV: no

IV: it doesn't work like that

ET: Maybe not to you. But listen.

ET: This isnt working out.

ET: You need to quit while youre ahead and figure whether any of this is actually fucking worth it. Because Ill tell you. Its not.

ET: Live your life and forget I ever expressed some disagreeable opinion about your choices.

IV: i can't forget and i'm not going to forget you or what you say

IV: because you were always family to me too

ET: Then thats your problem.

ET: Im done with you.

ET: Bye Finn.

IV: even if now it's like an estranged cousin that hates me

-- estrapadingTrueblue [ET] ceased pestering impenetrableVitality [IV] at 21:55 --

-- estrapadingTrueblue [ET] changed their mood to OFFLINE --

#estrapadingTrueblue #impenetrableVitality #finn #joel #in which finn tried but some things are irreparable

0 notes

survivorarabia · 7 years

Text

EPISODE 12 “Ruthie Is Literally My Mum” - Emmott

Ruthie

Alex, you've got more than everyone else combined. YOU CAN STOP ANSWERING ALL THE QUESTIONS NOW. I LOVE YOU BUT GEEZ. <3

Alex

Final 6, baby! And actually, because I won, Final 5 baby! The plan for this round is to take out Emmott, simple. Nobody trusts him, yadda yadda, fifth verse same as like the last four rounds. But what I'm doing this round is setting in place the groundwork for Final 5. First of all, Lena's Idol. That's a problem. It could lead to 2/5 of the Final 5 being immune, and I have no guarantee that I'm gonna win Immunity next round, so I could be one of three vulnerable people that round. If that's the case, that's not good for me. I also have to consider at this point that my strongest opponent at FTC is Ruthie, right? So I have abandoned ALL MORALS, FOLKS, because guess who's coming for Ruthie next round, it's me, I'm a monster, here to slaughter your faves. I trust Richie enough at this point that he's not gonna vote me, and that I can talk him into a Ruthie vote should Nicole and/or Lena be immune next round. What I have to do is plant the seeds in Lena's head that a) she should play her Idol this round because b) Ruthie is coming for her...which is not entirely untrue! The argument I'm gonna use is simple: Ruthie is paranoid (true, backed up by her behavior during blind week) and is concerned about being vulnerable at 5 (true, even if I'm projecting my own feelings onto her), so she might try to assemble a blindside on Lena now (false, but she doesn't need to know that). Then, at 5, I can get a 3 or 4 person vote on Ruthie, bam pow, Alex slides to the end, beats Lena and whoever else is there, is a monster but still wins.

Alex

WHEW, Nicole woke up and started to play! Apparently she was all up in Richie's ear last night about the Lena/Ruthie/Me threesome and how she and Richie needed to grab Emmott and force one of us out of the game. Girl you do MIND It is MY JOB to tear apart this alliance! Not yours! Stay in your lane! Apparently she's backed off it, which is too bad, because really she should try it. See what happens, girl. Luckily I have utilized this info to aid in the flushing of Lena's Idol so hopefully there will be at least one bright spot in all this. I think it might just work, honestly.

Richie

IM FREAKING OUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I'M LITERALLY IN PSYCHOSIS... my mind is literally one of those kermit memes where its like me: shut up, you have your Family 4 alliance you've been with since week 2, you love them and you should vote out emmott because he's messy and erratic and theres no loyalty there then the kermit in the hoodie aka neurotic me: BITCH YOU HAVENT MADE ANY Big Moves™THIS GAME YET, ALEX IS THROWING YOU UNDER THE BUS TO EMMOTT, YOU CAN'T WIN AGAINST ANY OF THESE PEOPLE HERE START FUCKING SHIT UP!!!!! ughhhhhhh i feel such a close bond with the family alliance where i dont want to turn on them bc i like them but also bc it will be SUCH a betrayal that if i'm the one to turn on them and i make it to the end i don't have their jury vote... and nicoles my girl i dont want to vote her out either she's been coming to me trying to make moves and i want to because its her but then im like i want to vote out the person in her position but i dont think its the smartest to vote HER.... i hatee last night nicole came to me and was like "lena/ruthie/alex are going to steamroll us in f5 lets vote out either lena and ruthie" and i was like hmm.... i thought nicole and ruthie were super close thats sketchy also this whole game i've been trying to play up my distance from the khiana people so i can maintain connection with the fawz people to get information so i can keep myself and the people im with in the loop and safe so its cool that i'm not seen as really a part of that 3some when this whole time its been us 4..... but still so i was going to rat nicole out and use that to turn the family against her but then i was like.......1) nicole gave me a receipt of ruthie saying something about a group chat which i deduced was a group chat between lena/ruthie/nicole, this is a total assumption and wild guess based on minimal information, but still if thats true and this is just nicole trying to get me to say something to get them to turn on me that would suck so i'm nervous to go to lena/ruthie with this and 2) i dont think going to the end with ruthie and alex is smart so maybe im keeping my options open with nicole for selfish reasons bc i dont want to close that door just yet then today emmott came to me with receipts of alex telling emmott that i was aware of the fact that ruthie/alex were lying to emmott/issy about voting me out last vote and that i was just playing emmott (TRUE) and alex straight up told emmott about our alliance in a CLEARLYYYYYY transparent attempt of getting on emmotts good side for a jury vote by being honest and putting the blame on other people... AND I DIDNT LIKE THAT @ALEX!!!!!! if i just shut up and vote out emmott i'm guaranteed 4th place and from there i have to rely on my social game to take me to the end and get me a win because i've been playing this game but in a way that isn't easy to see on the surface and in a way that ORG juries dont want to hear about.. people want BIG MOVES but thats not smart everytime someone in this game tried to make a big move they were voted out.....I HATEEEEE THIS.... if i do try to make a move tonight i either get caught and get voted out 6th place or succeed at that move but piss everyone off and make a target of myself/lose jury votes.... but if i dont make a move tonight people will think im just this floater that helped hand ruthie or alex the game..... https://images.sobadsogood.com/21-gifs-proving-russia-is-the-most-bizarre-place-on-earth/3.jpg

Emmott

okay so i thought i had no hope this tribal! i was excited becuase i had this awesome speech prepared to drag everyone to hELL! but instead Saint Ruthie came to me <3 I actually love ruthie so much, we had a call and shes so precious and amazing and sweet and nice and caring and oMG!!!! I LOVE HER!!! AND SHE HAS AN AMAZING ACCENT! But she told me she is voting Lena, and she's gonna get other people to as well because Lena has an idol!! oooooooo honestly, lena is no threat to me, and i would probably usually go tell Lena that people are coming for her and to play her idol. but instead, im just gonna leave it this time, because it backfires 50% of the time. im just gonna leave the vote as lena, and let ruthie work her magic! another thing when issy left, i went on bit of a dramatic rant AHAHAH in the tribe chat AHAHAHHA saying she was robbed. and N*cole and L*na made snarky comments at me!!!! ew im perturbed! i hope this works tho wow imagine alex is also spilling all info and tea to me and putting blame on other people, so that he can vote me off and have my jury vote :)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))) silly smart guy! if he didnt have immunity i think i could have got him out but yoloswag he has immunity and it's these people's fault who are going to get voted out by him and have to vote for him at f2/3 that are at fault. they never flipped with me earlier so I HOPE THAT THE DOOR HITS THEM ON THE WAY OUT (im lookin at u richie especially) okay bye

Ruthie

Today has been utter and complete CHAOS of the best kind. I began the day with a message from Nicole asking if Emmott was okay, and I agreed, and Lena of course agreed too. And then in our The Family alliance chat the others seemed to want Emmott also. So we were all agreed and it was all good, but then Alex privately brought up a good thought... Lena's idol. We want it to be flushed so we could have a chance to play one next week but we didn't know how to go about flushing it. Little did I know, Nicole decided to play the game and start throwing my name around. (I STILL LOVE YOU NICOLE <3) and she told Richie- who in turn told Alex that Lena, Alex and myself were in an alliance together, which I'm not sure how she found that out, I'm guessing that Lena maybe told her. Nicole had already warned us that we might be hearing things and I figured this kind of thing was what we might start hearing. So, Alex told Lena (SO MUCH TELLING GOING ON, GOD.) some things to make her maybe want to use her idol tonight and we had this conversation: [11/29/16, 1:29:03 PM] Alex (Xalxe): and I have no time for it frankly, do you mind, we’ve been playing all game over here [11/29/16, 1:36:25 PM] Alex (Xalxe): Wait holy shit I just realize we can use this. I can give this to Lena instead of giving her your name and she might play the idol [11/29/16, 2:54:03 PM] Ruthie ❤: YES!!! That would be amazing!!! That's good thinking! [11/29/16, 2:54:34 PM] Ruthie ❤: How did Nicole know that you, me and Lena were together I wonder. [11/29/16, 2:55:18 PM] Alex (Xalxe): It is a mystery to me [11/29/16, 2:55:28 PM] Alex (Xalxe): who knows, she might just be grasping at straws [11/29/16, 2:56:40 PM] Alex (Xalxe): even a broken clock is right twice a day [11/29/16, 3:39:19 PM] Ruthie ❤: Omg, that's going to be my new favorite quote. <3 [11/29/16, 3:39:39 PM] Ruthie ❤: You're right though. [11/29/16, 3:39:58 PM] Ruthie ❤: In a way I'm excited she finally started playing but UGH [11/29/16, 4:05:10 PM] Ruthie ❤: LOL. Lena just messaged me to ask "hey, are we okay?" [11/29/16, 4:05:20 PM] Alex (Xalxe): Oh she got my mega-message then, good [11/29/16, 4:08:21 PM] Ruthie ❤: Yes good! Operation: Flush Idol is in action. [11/29/16, 4:08:49 PM] Alex (Xalxe): :) Then..... the chaos that led to my phone call with Emmott happened... [11/29/16, 4:09:30 PM] Ruthie ❤: She's writing me a mega message now. [11/29/16, 4:09:44 PM] Alex (Xalxe): okay if she sells me out she’s dead to me [11/29/16, 4:10:31 PM] Ruthie ❤: I can't wait to see what she says tbh [11/29/16, 4:10:50 PM] Ruthie ❤: I AM SO GLAD WE TRUST EACH OTHER. [11/29/16, 4:11:35 PM] Alex (Xalxe): This would be way harder if we didn't [11/29/16, 4:15:52 PM] Ruthie ❤: It would! [11/29/16, 4:16:09 PM] Ruthie ❤: And oh god, I have a lot of receipts for you. [11/29/16, 4:16:15 PM] Alex (Xalxe): oh boy oh boy [11/29/16, 4:17:01 PM] Ruthie ❤: I FEEL SO BAD SHOWING YOU BECAUSE I LOVE LENA SO MUCH, but you're my Alex so So of course I showed him all the receipts... SORRY LENA. :( [11/29/16, 4:08:18 PM] Lena McKenzie: I heard that you're worried about my loyalty :( [11/29/16, 4:08:29 PM] Lena McKenzie: But I have an idea... and I want to know what you think. [11/29/16, 4:10:39 PM] Lena McKenzie: I want to go to the final 3 with you and Nicole. I love Alex but none of us have ANY shot against him if he gets there, and that's not to say you or I or Nicole haven't played great games. He just has survived this entire game after being a target the entire time, came back, etc. I want one of the three of us to win. It would be great for Alex to win but I want one of us girls to win.. I know that sounds horrible but Alex really is calling all of the shots in our alliance and has been doing so the entire game. I really hope you don't say anything to him about this but I wanted to let you know that is what I'm thinking. I am loyal to the Old Farts and I am loyal to our alliance with Nicole, but Alex wins no matter who he is against at the end.. [11/29/16, 4:12:17 PM] Lena McKenzie: I honestly think you could win this if we go with Nicole. I want to win and I would happy with Nicole winning.. But I'm 98% sure you would win if we go to the end, and I would love to see you win. So after I told Alex we kind of came up with a brilliant idea. :)... [11/29/16, 4:29:16 PM] Ruthie ❤: Okay! Who should we tell Emmott to vote or is he voting me? -.- [11/29/16, 4:29:21 PM] Alex (Xalxe): I dunno man [11/29/16, 4:29:30 PM] Alex (Xalxe): I haven’t talked to him since this morning [11/29/16, 4:29:34 PM] Alex (Xalxe): tell him whatever [11/29/16, 4:31:41 PM] Ruthie ❤: I just messaged him and he replied quick but I don't even know what to tell him, lol. [11/29/16, 4:31:56 PM] Alex (Xalxe): shrug [11/29/16, 4:32:27 PM] Ruthie ❤: I'm just asking if he's voting me. [11/29/16, 4:42:53 PM] Alex (Xalxe): Can you get him to vote Lena? Then she sees that people really are/were targeting her? [11/29/16, 4:44:36 PM] Ruthie ❤: Yeah, I could do that. I'm almost thinking I should vote with him, she wouldn't expect me to do it. Is that a crazy idea? [11/29/16, 4:44:46 PM] Alex (Xalxe): I was thinking the same thing don’t take my thing [11/29/16, 4:45:21 PM] Ruthie ❤: BRAIN TWINS. [11/29/16, 4:45:46 PM] Alex (Xalxe): Anyway yeah sure you go ahead and do that, we don’t want 3 votes on her accidentally [11/29/16, 4:45:51 PM] Alex (Xalxe): I’ll vote Emmott [11/29/16, 4:46:14 PM] Alex (Xalxe): Unless she starts talking about moving the vote away from Emmott in which case we can’t risk a split I AM SUCH A BAD PERSON, I do feel really guilty for this and I don't want Lena to go, and at this point I still wanted Emmott to go. My next worry was how I could work a bit of magic on Emmott. I love the boy dearly but he is SUCH a loose cannon, which has worked for him this far but I really didn't want anything I said to get out to him, and knowing him it probably would have... oops. I saw that he messaged me, and I finally answered... [11/29/16, 4:35:16 PM] emmott young: Well everyones saying my name so [11/29/16, 4:35:57 PM] emmott young: Im not even gonna try [11/29/16, 4:41:41 PM] Ruthie ❤: :( :( :( [11/29/16, 4:42:27 PM] emmott young: You just must feel very comfortable getting to the end with alex still in the game :/ [11/29/16, 4:42:40 PM] emmott young: Because I asked him, and he felt pretty comfortable having you around. [11/29/16, 4:50:35 PM] Ruthie ❤: If I vote with you for someone can you for once not say anything about it? BECAUSE I heard you told people we voted with you last time. :( [11/29/16, 4:52:13 PM] emmott young: Of course omg!! It's not like you exactly stuck to your word either, though. Last time, I only didnt vote Richie because once Richie went it was definitely going to be me and issy next. Alex told me you had no intention on voting richie! But ill do anything at this point, i swear! [11/29/16, 4:54:27 PM] Ruthie ❤: Okay, whew! Who do you want to vote if you could vote for anyone? (Besides Alex since he's immune.) [11/29/16, 4:55:11 PM] emmott young: Anyone!! Whoever you wanted! ...before pondering over what to do for almost an hour before I finally had the brilliant idea of calling him! If we talked on the phone I could sound more sincere about it all and more importantly he couldn't show the receipts to anyone else. And also, I figured that MAYBE it could get me a vote from him in the jury... I must admit. I'm such a bad person, I can't even, I feel more and more like a villain each day, oh well. [11/29/16, 5:19:05 PM] emmott young: Do you have any one in mind? [11/29/16, 5:28:11 PM] Ruthie ❤: Can I call you? I don’t want to type it out because somehow what I tell you always seems to find it’s way around the house. :O :O <3 [11/29/16, 5:28:41 PM] emmott young: Of course ahahah! I promise I wont snitch! [11/29/16, 5:29:10 PM] Ruthie ❤: Whew, okay! Hang on! [11/29/16, 5:29:20 PM] emmott young: Hanging! So I called Emmott and OH MY GOSH Y'ALL. HE is so adorable, I can't even with him, HIS ACCENT IS SO CUTE! And he liked mine too! And I'm literally always so awkward with people on the phone, SO awkward but talking to Emmott was easy and I admit it, I probably told him WAY TOO MUCH. First I made him promise not to tell anyone that I told him to do this but to vote Lena and I gave him my word that I would vote her too. And I made him promise not to freak out and go around telling people that I was voting for her and that he needed another vote or two, to just let me handle it, and he promised. He is literally so sweet, he told me he was going to ignore everyone on messenger and I feel like such a bitch right now for doing ALL of this. Lena trusted me with ALL of that and I ran to Alex. Then I went to Emmott and told him I was going to try to keep him when obviously I'm just spending all this time writing my confessional, whoops. Oh... and on call I also might have let it slip that Lena had an idol. Which is also another dumb move on my part because Emmott can't keep a secret to save his life. Anyway, that's where I am today. I'm personally sitting in a good spot and I can't wait for a bit of chaos to ensue when Lena learns that TWO people voted for her... tonight's tribal is going to be so much fun! I LOVE YOU SO MUCH LENA AND EMMOTT, I'm so sorry when you guys read this. <3 ALSO I'M SORRY FOR ALL THE DENYING I'M GOING TO DO WHEN YOU SEE THAT SOMEONE ELSE VOTED FOR YOU QUEEN LENA.

#survivornightmare #masstag #confessionals

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