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WIG REVIEW: BRIDGERTON SEASON 2
Oscar season is OVER! Now it’s back to trashy TV! The absolute trashiest show I watch (and that’s staying a lot!) is back: BRIDGERTON!!!! This season is all about eldest brother Anthony, some new love interests, definitely NOT THE DUKE, and also and most importantly: FRAN BRIDGERTON! Much like my review of last season, I will be mainly focusing on the most mysterious member of the Bridgerton family, Francesca, who left for about 98% of last season to learn the pianoforte AND I WISHED I WAS WITH HER. Now she’s back (OR IS SHE?) oh and there are also some wigs. Let’s discuss.
EPISODE 1 - Capital R Rake
OMG LOOK IT’S FRAN!!!!! Right up in front! FRAN! YES! The Bridgertons have (mainly) all gathered for something very exciting on the other side of a door. This show is all about eavesdropping and familial togetherhood so this feels fair. Missing, of course, is Colin who is abroad somewhere and THE DUKE who was banished from this season for being too hot but Disney Daphne is there in a wig that can only be described as “Stockholm Syndrome Era Belle.” Also absent is Demi Moore Bridgerton (Eloise!) because that is what they’re all looking at...
DEMI MOORE IS A DEB YOU GUYS! Dressed as a Toulouse-Lautrec painting minus the absinthe, Demi Moore looks about as pleased as anyone would look if their entire family gathered together to see a giant feather on top of her head. Demi is outtttt this season which means the family is gonna try to marry her off but who are we kidding? This is ANTHONY Bridgerton’s season and Demi isn’t getting hitched anytime soon. BUT WHO WILL ANTHONY MARRY?!?!
THIS HORSE GIRL!!! Her name is Kate Sharma, she LOVES HORSES, hates men, has a backstory of questionable lineage, and a wig of ever changing lengths. ANTHONY IS TOTALLY MARRYING THIS BITCH. I’m here for it and honestly this braided wig isn’t bad.
However, Kate’s wig changes lengths constantly whether in a braid, some tendrils, or an updo. Anyway, she just wants to get her wide-eyed (and very Disneyfied) sister married off (hello love triangle!). Edwina Sharma is basically an Indian DD but without the upsetting bangs? She is very sweet and will 100% have her heart broken somehow. They’re staying with my favorite badass, Lady Danbury, and brought their corgi along with them without asking which is a power move made by absolute kweens.
Lady Danbury, who always has some long grift going, sees that Kate is definitely onto some con and yes - she is! I guess Kate’s long lost aristocratic grandparents (who will definitely show up later and be totally horrible) have said they’d un-disown them if Edwina marries a gentleman (HM WHAT WILL HAPPEN). Kate obvs doesn’t tell her sister this and Lady Danbury correctly thinks that’s a bad idea. Side note: WHERE DO THESE BITCHES KEEP ALL THESE TIARAS?!
Anyway, Anthony claims he’ll marry whoever the queen’s “diamond” is and of course it’s Edwina and then Kate conveniently overhears him telling his disgusting dude friends who I hope I never see again about how he’s just gonna marry whatever rando whatever who cares and Kate is all HOW DARE YOU!! It is so hysterically obvious that this is all based on The Taming of The Shrew even down to the names and you guys, I can’t. These two assholes are for sure falling in love and adopting like 1000 horses duh.
FRAN WATCH: THE MOST FRAN EVER YOU GUYS!!! Not only is Fran around for Demi’s big feather reveal but she also accompanies the family to the season debut with the queen or whatever it’s called which Demi gets to skip due to Lady Whistledown existing again. Fran then ACTUALLY PLAYS THE PIANOFORTE so that Demi can learn to dance and I love that this show is trying to make it seem like it was worth it for Fran to miss DD’s wedding to learn a musical instrument but like sure?
EPISODE 2 - Off to the Races
I fully didn’t talk about Pen last episode! I love Pen. She is my Derry Girl and she needs to get more respect from everyone around her when not using her, well, PEN to be Lady Whistedown. But more importantly, Derry Girl needs a better wig!! The budget clearly is improved for season 2 but somehow this wig is just worse!!! HOW IS ANYONE EXPECTED TO THINK THIS IS HAIR?!?!?! Everything about it screams off-brand Merida from Brave and truly she deserves better. Oh also, her entire family (the Cinderella Clan) has a new ruler who absolutely sucks - he’s pompous, selfish, and annoying aka he fits in perfectly. Also her sister now gets to get married. Mazel?
Also! Colin is back to the delight of basically no one except Derry Girl and the younger Bridgertons and yes THAT INCLUDES FRAN. Now that all the Bridgertons have reassembled, it’s time to immediately go to the races as if this wasn’t something they had planned on doing forever. Edwina is paired with some rando dude who seems nice enough and sure maybe marry him and not Anthony. Kate is paired with some dude who has heard of India so they talk about how awful English tea is or something. Both Sharma girls’ wigs are definitely the best of the season. Anthony shows up and is a complete asshole who demands lemonade and it’s discovered that Kate’s date was just a ruse for him to get closer to Edwina. RUDE! Kate is mad but also wins at all the horse races because she knows so much about horses. Also this entire scene is basically straight out of that one scene in My Fair Lady and/or Pretty Woman depending.
Also when all the Bridgerton boys get together they......fence? Seems legit. The creative one (Benedict) still claims to NOT be gay but like sure honey. Also Colin is so insufferable talking about his trip abroad like that one friend you had who studied in Paris and refuses to stop wearing berets. He also is still paying games with Derry Girls’ heart by saying his trip made him realize he was in love with....HIMSELF? Yeah that adds up. Derry Girl, you can do better!
Meanwhile, Derry Girl is almost found out by her best friend Demi who really is being a detectress about the Lady Whistledown type setting and truly: I wish this show was all about fonts? Anyway...Derry Girl goes to some poor people market to get a new type key and throw Demi off her trail and of course is spotted by everyone’s favorite dress maker, Madame Delacroix!!! To be fair, Derry Girl (using an Irish accent! YES!) is wearing the most RIDICULOUSLY CONSPICUOUS BLUE CAPE TO THIS MARKET! She’s legit dressed like OG Cinderella’s fairy godmother and is like: wait how did I get spotted amongst the unwashed in this very fancy baby blue satin cape?!?! CHOICES PEOPLE.
Speaking of important life choices through fashion, Demi wore THIS HAT to the races! CAN YOU EVEN?!?!?! WHAT CENTURY IS IT?? I also really don’t understand what they’re doing with this wig which is just sitting there and would never be allowed but Demi doesn’t know what she’s doing either because she goes to the printing press to try to uncover Lady Whistledown and is super rude to a printing dude there who is also a lowgrade suffragist and wow these two are definitely gonna bone.
FRAN WATCH: NEVER ENOUGH FRAN!! Despite being semi excited to see Colin, Fran was not featured enough in this episode. I DEMAND MORE PIANOFORTE! EARN IT GIRL!
EPISODE 3 - A Bee In Your Bonnet
We begin with a decade old flashblack! Anthony is a teenager and has...REDDISH HIGHLIGHTS?!?! I don’t know what games this hair is trying to play with my heart but this flashback is playing with all our hearts because it shows how Viscount Bridgerton died and do you remember crying at My Girl? WELL. Get yourself an epipen and stay away from the bees, y’all!
Back in present times, DD and HER BABY are back but definitely NOT THE DUKE NEVER THE DUKE. FRAN IS THERE!! She tells Eloise to hold DD’s baby! Eloise does not want to! FRAN LOVES THE BABY! YAY FOR FRAN! Boo for DD’s weird bangs still.
The whole Bridgerton family is off to their country estate and if you’re wondering why they don’t live here ALL THE TIME the answer is definitely: BEE GHOSTS. Anthony is HAUNTED through this episode by his dad’s bee death and sadder still his mom’s depression and near death during childbirth which was somehow left up to him as teenage viscount. Olde Times were ROUGH you guys. Also rough? DEMI’S WIG!! I don’t know why this is a wig (the actress’s hair is similar) or why it’s allowed to be down or why anything but whatever - let’s all play some really intense version of croquet?
This episode spends A LOT of time explaining the rules of Pall Mall which is like croquet but EXTREME and the Bridgertons are totally that family who would play extreme frisbee or whatever if they were around now. Sporty families, man. UGH. DD is there SANS THE DUKE and her wig is as unacceptable as his absence. The Sharma girls remain with the best wigs of the season. Also of course, Kate’s pall mall ball goes into the forest and she and Antony basically take a mud bath which is the second most erotic secret forest mud bath this side of The Power of the Dog. It’s all sexy until they uncover Anthony’s dad’s grave. BEE GHOSTS GET YOU EVERY TIME.
I really lost track of how many times these assholes almost kissed in this episode but the most insane one was when Kate gets stung by a bee and Anthony has a panic attack about it (MAKES SENSE!) and then she puts his hand on her heaving breast and you guys...THIS SHOW. They still haven’t kissed. And Anthony still hasn’t explained how he got rid of his teenage red highlights.
Meanwhile, the creative one wants to go to art school (SURE HENNY!) and in a series of scenes in which this show attempts to be...”funny” (???) he takes mushroom (?) tea supplied by Colin’s stupid overseas travels and trips his balls off and everyone is just like SHRUG that’s our creative brother for you! AND THIS CHARACTER IS HIGH ON TEA AND YOU’RE TELLING ME HE’S NOT GAY?!?!? He got into art school though so let’s see where this goes.
ANYWAY! Derry Girl and Madame Delacroix, now aware of all the Lady Whistledown secrets, form a super cool business lady club where they help each other and I’ve never been so excited about business lady specials since Romy & Michele you guys.
FRAN WATCH: STILL NOT ENOUGH FRAN! Sure, she’s excited to be an auntie to a very cute baby and shame Demi for not liking children but WHY COULDN’T SHE PLAY PALL MALL?!?!?! JUSTICE FOR FRAN!
EPISODE 4 - Victory
I really haven’t spoken enough about how awful the Cinderella Clan’s wigs are ALWAYS but honestly all of their red wigs hurt my eyes so I’d rather see and discuss them as little as possible. But their current situation is: POVERTY! And by that I mean: they have but ONE servant. Peasants!! In order to improve their situation, mama Featherington has decided to marry her non-Derry Girl daughter off to THEIR COUSIN WHO LIVES WITH THEM. Complicating matters is of course: CRESSIDA! Cressida who ALWAYS has a stink face. Cressida who always has a wig that looks like a Maury episode of weave wars. Cressida who will ALWAYS be the other woman. Cressida who has the audacity to be named CRESSIDA. MAY SHE NEVER CHANGE.
MEANWHILE, the Bridgertons are now hosting like all of London at their fancy countryside mansion which is definitely still haunted by BEE GHOSTS. All the dudes get to go on a cool hunting expedition and of course, horse girl Kate wants in on the action. The patriarchy says NO but then kind of shrug I guess AS LONG AS YOU BRING YOUR LADYMAID WHO CANNOT WALK THROUGH A FOREST. Obviously, this leads to ample opportunities for Kate and Anthony to almost kiss but more importantly leads to Kate wearing the SHIT OUT OF THIS HAT.
Whilst in the country, Colin decides to pay a visit on his long lost secret ex-fiance that he is still pining after: Marina who is now a fancy aristocrat with a nice husband and TWINS. Mazel! When her husband comes home, he and Colin literally start talking about OLIVE TREES just like two insufferable Euro bros would and this gives Colin the opportunity to tell Marina he’s still not over her. Marina, who you may recall came to this show pregnant, then had to live with the awful Cinderella Clan who almost married her off to the worst dudes in London, then her lover died, then she almost had to marry Colin and then was last minute married to her lover’s brother has honestly DONE PRETTY WELL FOR HERSELF CONSIDERING has ZERO time for Colin’s fee-fees. GOOD FOR YOU, MARINA!! LITERALLY GET OVER YOURSELF COLIN AND GO BACK TO GREECE NO ONE HAS TIME FOR YOU HERE!!!!
Well I guess except Derry Girl who is still pining over this loser and still has the worst wig on this show. Truly: get this chick a better wig!!! ALSO WHY DOES NO ONE WANT TO DANCE WITH HER?!?! Demi is forced to dance with some rando who she burns immediately but I guess no one is dancing with her because of her terrible family’s plan to marry her sister off with her cousin. Which actually turns into an engagement of nonsense in an ORANGERIE!!! I want all bad marriage proposals to happen near citrus fruit because at least no one will get scurvy. Joke is definitely on the Cinderella Clan because the cousin is actually poor and needed Cressida’s weave war money but oh well: WHAT HAPPENS IN THE ORANGERIE DOESN’T STAY IN THE ORANGERIE. D’oops!
Back on the dance floor, these assholes STILL. HAVE. NOT. KISSED. I really don’t know what games they are playing with us but Kate’s wig is definitely getting the tendril treatment and despite being one of the better wigs on this series, still is all over the place with how long it wants us to think her real hair is. After the ball, Anthony confides to Kate about all the BEE GHOSTS and her hair is in this messy braid that is definitely 50% longer than the wig above would lead us to believe. More unbelievable: THEY STILL HAVEN’T KISSED AND SHE’S LIKE JUST MARRY MY SISTER. Disaster!
The episode ends with an actual proposal! Kate’s face says it all: THIS IS SO STUPID!! Also her wig is looking not that great here but I think this wig realizes just how dumb this proposal is.
FRAN WATCH: ZERO FRANS!!!!! Even with the entire Bridgerton clan (INCLUDING DD) on the front steps as this stupid engagement happens. WHERE IS FRAN?!?!! FRAN KNOWS HOW STUPID THIS ALL IS! TAKE ME WITH YOU, FRAN!
EPISODE 5 - An Unthinkable Fate
I realize that I haven’t talked about the queen’s insane wigs at all. This is because we know them to be wigs within the narrative of the show and I am only concerned with wigs trying to pass themselves off as real hair. Still, these wigs are elaborate and fabulous (THERE IS EVEN A BLUE ONE YOU GUYS) and befitting a real queen (drag or otherwise). Clearly the entire wig budget went to her and honestly: spare some $$ for Derry Girl please!
I mean spare some money for any of the Cinderella Clan? No really: they need money and not just for wigs! Due to the orangerie proposal, they are now moving forward with just marrying this sister off to her cousin so they can keep their house but have NO MONEY FOR UGLY DRESSES. It should be noted that the cousin is also a ruby con artist (SURE!) and their plot this week involves deciding to pass off fake rubies to make some coin and nothing has ever been more on brand for these idiots. ALSO! We meet the cake-hungry jeweler who is terrible at overhearing all of Kate and Anthony’s discussion of engagements because FREE CAKE (and truly: priorities).
Meanwhile, in other money making schemes: the boxer from last season has now retired into...owning a gentleman’s club? That caters specifically to artsy bros aka Colin and Benedict Bridgerton? I mean: get that money, honey but this feels absolutely not sustainable in just decanter fees alone.
As for the creative Bridgerton, he has begun art school and it is SO NOT HOMOSEXUAL ENOUGH. Despite wearing the most insane ascots, he is titillated by, well, tits and begins a really boring romance with the FEMALE nude model for the school who is also a budding art student herself. I realize that he had sex with women last season (Madame Delacroix!) but I am super disappointed in how not gay this storyline is. BOO!
In other boring cisgender romance storylines, Demi might have found herself a boyfriend!! As foretold in the episode where she is guided by typekey fonts, she goes to a suffrage meeting with that printer guy!!! He is very cute and this is 100% the same as the Downton Abbey season where Sybil falls in love with Tom and I really hope this doesn’t end with anyone getting preeclampsia. It does so far end with Demi lying to Derry Girl about her whereabouts but to be fair, Derry Girl has been lying to Demi this entire time about not being Lady Whistledown. SECRETS DON’T MAKE FRIENDS!
AAaaanyway, over at some boat races or whatever, Kate and Anthony get into some quarrel that ends with ANTHONY IN A WET TSHIRT JUST LIKE COLIN FIRTH IN BOTH PRIDE AND PREJUDICE AND ALSO BRIDGET JONES’ DIARY. EMERGENCY YOU GUYS THIS IS THE ONLY IMPORTANT TRIBUTE THIS SHOW HAS EVER MADE. Excellent work!!
Oh wait there’s actually more of this episode!! Kate’s long grift this entire season has been to get a secret dowry from her horrible grandparents who disinherited her father long ago BUT they said she could only get some coin if Edwina married a gentleman. She obvs didn’t tell her sister any of this despite all of Lady Danbury’s warnings and then they come to dinner and it’s as awful as you might imagine. The grandad is played by the dude who also plays an asshole in Ted Lasso and *chef’s kiss* casting, you guys. Of course, they tell everyone about the whole dowry requirement and Anthony defends Edwina and despite this being a PERFECT OUT of this whole stupid engagement (AND ALSO BECAUSE THEY FINALLY ADMIT THEY ARE HOT FOR EACH OTHER WITHOUT ACTUALLY KISSING), Kate (in her messy long braid wig!) tells Anthony (and some horses) that he must marry Edwina so that she won’t be heartbroken. QUICK GET EDWINA ANOTHER DUDE STAT! DISASTER!
FRAN WATCH: NO FRANS!!! WHERE IS FRAN?!?!?!
EPISODE 6 - The Choice
Welp...here we are guys! Wedding of the season! The Queen has some new wigs, some new peacocks, and A TON OF COCAINE. What could go wrong?!?!? The Bridgertons and Sharmas are just going along as if this farce of a wedding is actually going to happen and oy vey. The only voice of reason comes in the form of DD (SANS DUKE EVEN AT A FAMILY WEDDING ARE YOU KIDDING ME). DD and her stupid bangs tell Anthony to follow his heart just moments before the wedding. WHAT IS HE GONNG DO? Meanwhile, Kate (in a braid honestly too close to the scalp) offers Edwina (in a pretty nice wig!) some bracelets owned by her mother and Edwina is all: no you keep them! Her fate is now sealed forever because we all know that JEWELRY WILL CURSE YOU FOREVER.
The jewelry curse is in effect basically IMMEDIATELY when Kate drops one of the bracelets, Anthony fetches it for her, and Edwina is FINALLY all: WAIT MY SISTER AND MY FIANCE ARE IN LOVE? ON THE ALTER YOU GUYS! She storms out, the wedding guests are shook, literal fireworks go off, and society and this tv show both simultaneously implode.
The Queen, who has bought herself MATCHING WIGS WITH HER LADIES IN WAITING is PISSED. Mama Bridgerton, Mama Sharma, And Lady Danbury have no clue what to do and everyone just sort of lets Edwina decide if she should get married which is definitely the ONLY TIME A WOMAN HAS DECIDED HER MARITAL FATE ON THIS SHOW. In what should probably have taken 5 minutes, the rest of this episode descends into madness while Edwina takes HOURS to make this choice. Meanwhile, Anthony stares into the middle distance, likely haunted by BEE GHOSTS and Kate cries IN A PUNCH BOWL CLOSET I’M NOT KIDDING!!! Legit question: did I miss a writers’ strike because it really felt like NO ONE WROTE THIS EPISODE.
The wedding guests at some point decide to leave the church and wander indeterminably around the palace gardens, avoiding peacocks and allowing society to crumble around them. Was there an actual wedding planner besides the queen? Will some bitch with a clipboard ever tell them the wedding is still on or nah? Everyone is just losing their minds: Mama Featherington and the new Lord Featherington are FLIRTING despite him being betrothed to her daughter, being mean to that wrestler dude, and trying to pass fake jewels to rich assholes! Cressida has a new and insane weave! Colin is drinking champagne and being nice to Derry Girl (TOO LATE DUDE!) Anthony’s shitty friends are back! And most insultingly, Demi betrays her own Bechdel Test by ONLY talking about that printing press dude who I will now be referring to as NEWSIE based on my love of the movie Newsies and not his actual profession. Demi wisely leaves with her bangs AND TENDRILS (huh?!) to see if Newsie is in LIKE with her and yes he is because he gave her some dusty old books and these two are as good as married now.
JK JK no one is getting married! Or are they?!?! Time still doesn’t exist and neither do wedding rules: THEY START SERVING WEDDING CAKE DESPITE NO WEDDING! WTF!! I tried to use this as a hint that our favorite cake-hungry jeweler would show up and save the day by suggesting that if Kate and Edwina have the same ring size, they probably have the same dress size so just: SWITCH DRESSES AND LET’S HAVE A WEDDING! (This did not happen). I’d like to point out that in 50% of screwball comedies (see: The Philadelphia Story), messed up weddings are usually fixed by interchangeable brides and grooms because wasting a wedding is stupid. BUT SO IS THIS SHOW! And it is far from a screwball comedy - it is just an endless tragedy and even Mama Bridgerton and Lady Danbury, racked with guilt and updos, don’t know what to do but just laugh LAUGH AND LAUGH (YES REALLY WHAT IS HAPPENING!)
Edwina finally decides not to marry Anthony (DUH) and NO ONE POINTS OUT THAT KATE SHOULD JUST MARRY HIM INSTEAD! THEY ARE SERIOUSLY WASTING A WEDDING! THESE TWO ASSHOLES WILL GET HITCHED ANYWAY! THE WASTE AND THE DECADENCE I CAN’T!! Everyone just sort of shrugs and leaves including Mama Bridgerton and DD and her insufferable bangs!
Inside the church, these two assholes FINALLY KISS while society as we know it crumbles outside. WHATEVER!!!
FRAN WATCH: NO FRIGGIN FRANS!! AT HER BROTHER’S WEDDING! I finally actually googled what is going on with this and apparently the chick who plays Fran actually had another tv gig and is only in the first 3 episodes. This will not stop me from 1) bemoaning her absence and 2) bemoaning the fact that this show had the audacity to not even excuse her absence with some lame pianoforte sabbatical! There legit must have been a writers’ strike I missed, right??!?!
EPISODE 7 - Harmony
Well the world is continuing to spin even though everyone just ruined 1) Edwina’s heart and 2) a perfectly good wedding. There is some really dodgy footage of Kate and Anthony definitely masturbating to the idea of once kissing and yuck!!!
And then! The Bridgertons are all sitting around (SANS FRAN) and decide the only reasonable thing to do is: PROMENADE!!! And the promenade proves that the Sharmas and the Bridgertons are complete social outcasts. Now the Sharmas, Lady Danbury, and the Bridgertons are all just hanging out like: WHAT DO WE DO NOW TO MAINTAIN SOCIETY?? Kate’s wig is like...meh whatever but her dog suddenly is into Anthony! And Edwina is all: WHOA YOU GUYS ARE IN LOVE PLEASE DON’T MAKE OUT LITERALLY IN FRONT OF EVERYONE!
Meanwhile, the gay one who is NOT GAY is I guess just super bougie? AND ALSO HAS A DRUG PROBLEM MAYBE?!?!! Anthony DOES NOT APPROVE and hard same but like the Bridgertons can only handle one scandal at a time? Oh except now Colin might invest in the Cinderella Clan’s fake ruby mines (OF COURSE UGH COLIN) and the Queen essentially told Demi that she’s going to murder her if she doesn’t admit she’s Lady Whistledown oh and also everyone hates the Bridgertons because of the failed wedding. DISASTER!
My two very favorite businessladies meet next to the coziest fireplace this side of Yellowjackets and talk about what they’re gonna do about the whole Queen threatening Demi thing. Madame Delacroix in ringlets too magical to be true suggests that Derry Girl print something bad about Demi that she would never say about herself (excellent idea, awful consequences!) Derry Girls’ wig has smoothed out in a way that is really trying to be The Little Mermaid and bitch knows what she has to do: DESTROY DEMI!!!
Meanwhile, the Sharmas, Bridgertons and Lady Danbury (who I’m just gonna call Eartha Kitt now - I mean come on) decide the way to fix their societal issues is to: THROW A BALL!!! THE THEME IS LITERALLY HARMONY AND NO I’M NOT KIDDING!! No one shows up because the one thing people like more than wasting a perfectly good wedding is wasting a perfectly good ball. And then Anthony solves everything by just DANCING!!! It has come to my attention that Jonathan Bailey is actually gay (HOW DID I NOT KNOW THIS) and clearly took a lesson from the Rupert Everett school: there may not be love, there might not be sex....BUT BY GOD THERE WILL BE DANCING!!!! It is all a total hodown until Lady Whistledown publishes that Demi is a trashy minx who is carrying on UNCHAPERONED! MY PEARLS!!!
SPEAKING OF UNCHAPERONED!! Kate and Anthony meet undera Wisteria laden, candlelit, throw pillowed sex gazebo....and....THEY. HAVE. SEX.
IN AN OPEN AIR SEX GAZEBO!
YOU GUYS!! THE FEATHERINGTON BITCH GOT ENGAGED JUST FOR BEING IN AN ORANGERIE SOMEWHAT NEAR HER COUSIN.
THIS SHOW IS BANANAS!!!!!!
AND THEN! Anthony wakes up in the same sex gazebo (HE SLEPT THERE! ARE YOU KIDDING ME!) to obviously find NO KATE because, well, she has common sense?!
Take it back - she has common sense UNTIL she decides to punish (?) herself for premarital gazebo sex by riding her horse in the rain and then Anthony chases after her and then HER HORSE THROWS HER! IN THE RAIN! I know this show is trying to be Pride and Prejudice but now it’s trying to be Sense and Sensibility too?
FRAN WATCH: NO FRIGGIN FRANS!!! This show had the common decency to tell us that DD’s son “had a cough” thus why she and the Duke had to miss the Harmony Ball but WHERE IS FRAN’S EXCUSE?! Hyacinth was forced to play the pianoforte instead! THE HELL, FRAN?!?!?!
EPISODE 8 - The Viscount Who Loved Me
HERE WE ARE! THE LAST EPISODE! We did it! And so did Kate and Anthony and now Kate is in a coma out of sex gazebo horse girl guilt. And truly: EXCUSE HER GLAMOUR. As in: there is absolutely no excuse for the gorgeous glamour of this woman whilst in an actual coma. HOW DARE SHE. Her glorious locks have never looked better. A week goes by, Anthony doesn’t visit her out of moral obligations (?) and finally Edwina just kind of talks her out of the coma and she comes to with absolutely no visible wounds or neurological damage and literally the first thing she asks is: DID ANTHONY VISIT ME. The answer is no so FUCK HIM!!!! He does then visit her with tulips (TULIPS!!!) and asks her to marry her but she says no because she thinks it’s out of obligation and OMG YOU GUYS WE’RE ON THE FINAL EPISODE GET IT TOGETHER.
Ok they get it together kind of immediately because the Cinderella Clan are having a ball to celebrate their fake ruby pyramid scheme and Edwina and Kate make up and dance together because screw society!!! I love how much dancing just sort of fixes everything in this show the last two episodes. The hair on these two is...fine? Anyway, Kate and Anthony then dance and everyone is like SCANDAL but then the Queen says she likes the pairing so everyone falls in line. She also suggests Edwina marry her nephew the prince (remember him?) and I approve of this pairing of two sorta boring but nice people.
OH AND CRESSIDA is in her most extreme weave war to date. LOOK AT THIS WIG!!!! HOW IS THIS LEGAL?!?! Also not legal: that whole ruby pyramid scheme which Colin points out to everyone thanks to the intel he got from that boxer dude and the whole Cinderella Clan go into crisis mode.
The stupid new Lord Featherington tells Mama Featherington, in a wig that can only be described as Hello, Dolly! meets Marie Antoinette that they should run away to the Americas together and in the first (and I’m sure last) time I will ever respect her, Mama Featherington is like: NOPE BYE I CHOOSE MY DAUGHTERS AND NOT YOU BUT GIVE ME SOME MONEY BYEEEEE. Well played. And goodbye forever, Lord Featherington. We hardly knew ye, and yet that was still too long.
In far more heartbreaking Cinderella Clan news, Derry Girl and Demi have a fight!!!! Derry Girl had warned Demi about seeing Newsie because of the SCANDAL of it all (and also to hide her identity as Lady Whistledown) but then decides to basically clue her in to how much she knows about gossip! Demi is catching on and all I can think about is Derry Girl’s new wig which is somehow in a braided CHINGON as if she’s eating Breakfast at Tiffanys and WHAT THE HELL WHY ARE YOU PLAYING GAMES WITH MY HEART WITH THIS WIG?!
Many more games are played with our heart with these two and it’s kind of the only breakup I’ve ever cared about in this show. Demi discovers all of Derry Girl’s secret floorboard gossip columns and they hiss at each other and it’s all really sad. So is Demi’s wig!! Unacceptable!
Meanwhile we have 10 minutes left in the show and the pace of loose ends is running at breakneck speed because we wasted so much time on that stupid slow moving wedding episode and now THERE. IS. TOO. MUCH. HAPPENING. Everyone goes outside because Mama Featherington promised them a surprise. Derry Girl is all excited to maybe have Colin FINALLY profess his love to her but of course, Anthony’s smarmy friends reemerge and she overhears him telling them that he could never love her. I HATE YOU, COLIN! YOU CAN DO BETTER, DERRY GIRL!
Meanwhile, Benedict is wearing the most insane ascot/neckerchief and still claiming to not be gay (SURE!) and is pissed at Anthony for paying his way into art school and is gonna quit which is the biggest waste of money since that wasted ball and that wasted wedding both in this season. DECADENCE! The decadence keeps coming in the form of FIREWORKS mere seconds after Kate and Anthony FINALLY ADMIT THEIR LOVE FOR EACH OTHER AND BECOME BETROTHED. PHEW!
Also Colin vaguely redeems himself by bringing all the smarmy bros to the boxer dude’s gentlemen’s club which is a great solid since he did save everyone from financial ruby ruin but now he has to serve drinks to total assholes. I guess it’s a living!
In the end, these two assholes have sex and we see some lady parts and they’re married and LATE to a family game of PALL MALL (THIS STUPID GAME!) and Kate has a really intense french braid which isn’t as intense as the PDA they display in front of BOTH OF THEIR FAMILIES! OK? HAPPILY EVER AFTER JUST WATCH OUT FOR THE BEE GHOSTS.
FRAN WATCH: NO FRANS. ZERO FRANS. ABSOLUTELY POSITIVELY NO FRANS!!!!! The Duke is also not there, though his kid is walking and DD is around to play pall mall. BUT WHO WILL PLAY THE PIANOFORTE FOR ANYONE!! I DEMAND MORE FRANS NEXT SEASON! HARRUMPH!
VERDICT: DOESN’T WURQ
#wigwurq#bridgerton#bridgertonseason2#DisneyDaphne#HorseGirls#FRANWATCH#DerryGirl#BEEGHOSTS#MudBaths#ArtSchoolHenny#TEA#SHUTUPCOLIN
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Welcome to our weekly roundup of cherished news bits! This week’s batch:
☠ Ray Harryhausen, the grandfather of special effects and stop-motion animation, is honored with an Oklahoma museum exhibition.
☠ At least one Star Wars animator took LSD during production.
☠ Evidence of Babylonian destruction of Jerusalem unearthed in City of David.
☠ A ghostly Russian radio station has been broadcasting since 1982. No one knows why.
☠ Incredible underwater photos capture sharks in fish tornado.
☠ How a Wolf bot helps scare wildlife away from farmers’ crops in Japan.
☠ This bourbon maker’s daughter slams the family business for years of homophobia.
☠ A show directed by David Lowery about a rocket scientist cum sex occultist is coming to your TV screen soon.
☠ The WigWurq reviews are in: the wigs wurq’d by the gorgeous ladies of wrestling in the Netflix series GLOW are wurq’ing.
☠ Here’s another gorgeous eighties lady and a video where everything werks. Including the crinkle wrap.
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#scandal#patty smyth#the warrior#wigwurq#GLOW#ray harryhausen#underwater photography#radio#Star Wars#stop motion#animation#special effects#David Lowery#Jerusalem#bpal#wolf bot
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WIG REVIEW: YELLOWJACKETS
YOU GUYS.
I have officially stumbled through all of this rollercoaster of a TV show. I have a lot of feelings about it! This show really has everything: competitive teen girls, THE 90S!!!, post plane-crash survivalist nightmares, rabbits, midlife crises, AFFAIRS, lesbians, murders, SOCCER, paganism AND satanism (maybe?), fake book clubs, NJ politics, cults, GLITTER, car crashes, blackmail, journaling, creepy kids, creepy adults, creepy teens, creepy cabins, creepy dreams, creepy visions, creepy planes, actual creeps and also CANNIBALISM (MAYBE!) SPOILERS AHEAD!
THIS SHOW NEVER SHOWS ACTUAL CANNIBALISM - IT IS ONLY EDITED THAT WAY! I was promised waaaay more cannibalism and way less middle-aged ennui but what this show lacks in actually eating human flesh it more than makes up for in very HONGARY wigs. There are only 3 MAIN wigs in the show - that of teenage Natalie, teenage Misty, and grownup Misty. So I will be judging those on an episode by episode basis based on CANNIBAL WIG ratings. Let’s discuss!
Episode 1
CANNIBAL WIGS: 6/10
The beginning of this pilot is the closest we get to actual cannibalism on the entire season of this show. Based solely on the first 10 minutes of the pilot, I really thought we were gonna get more cannibalism but ALAS. NOTE: it probably feels like I’m really into cannibalism but my point is: I was EXPECTING more cannibalism. The entire point of this show felt like it was cannibalism? I do not endorse eating people!
ANYWAY! We begin with a mystery girl being murdered in the snow followed by horned/masked girls eating meat (IT IS NEVER EXPLICITLY SHOWN THAT THEY ATE THE GIRL - SHE MIGHT HAVE JUST BEEN A SACRIFICE!) In any case, the identity of the would-be cannibals is cloaked in mystery and also antlers and DIY face masks that you definitely can buy on Etsy.
Flashing back to New Jersey in the mid-90s, everything is JUST. SO. MID. 90S. But not in that really specific way that Pen15 does the early aughts. More like when a millennial dresses up like a Clueless character for Halloween. In any case, we meet the Yellowjackets - an elite high school girls soccer team who are about to fly to nationals. I wonder what will happen!
We also meet the younger version of Juliette Lewis. SIDE NOTE: I love Juliette Lewis but she is like 7-10 years older than all the actresses who are supposed to be her same age which is WILD but like I guess whatever? Anyway back to the younger Natalie - she looks nothing like Lewis and has a blonde dye job. This is real hair and it’s fine for a 90s bleach job! Therefore Natalie is giving us 0/0 cannibal wigs. The true horrors are YET TO COME all around!!
The real cannibal wigs come in the form of MISTY, the team’s equipment manager (?) and grade-A lurker. We are definitely supposed to hate this chick from the start and excellent job of making her wig as awful as her personality? This dusty, thirsty wig is terrible BEFORE the crash!
And flashing forward to present day, Misty (now in the form of Christina friggin’ Ricci!) got herself a haircut but this looks like the same mousy, dried wig as in the 90s. HOW AND WHY!!!! I don’t understand why movies and tv shows insist on telling us that women keep the same hair for 30 years (yes I know it’s for consistency in identification purposes...) since most women I know change their hair a little bit more than just a cut over the course of their lifetimes. Still: not a lot has changed in the character of Misty in 25 years...she’s still very much a lurker! It must be said that wearing this wig apparently made people treat Christina Ricci differently so this is a very POWERFUL CANNIBAL WIG.
By episode’s end it is discovered that Misty is the one offering fresh meat (of human or animal origins?) at the beginning of the episode. OK?!?! This wig has definitely flattened itself out and SEEN SOME THINGS between crash and cannibalism (again: MAYBE????). THIS IS THE REVENANT BUT WITH LESS HAIR MOISTURE. OH THE HUMANITY.
Episode 2:
CANNIBAL WIGS: 9/10
BANG! CRASH! We’re flashing back to the early 90s y’all! Misty gets honestly the best wig of any timeline here. Full of body and strawberry blonde color, this is really the best version of Misty. WHERE CAN I GET THAT SWEATSHIRT TO SAY NOTHING OF THE LIP PHONE?! Also tweens are cruel and shouldn’t be prank calling Misty because YOU HAVE NO IDEA WHAT BULLYING IS GOING TO TURN MISTY INTO OH GOD.
BANG. CRASH. Flashing forward to that whole chartered plane to nowhere situation....Misty is suddenly THE. MOST. VALUABLE. YELLOWJACKET. She took Red Cross babysitting class! Twice! She springs into action, bandaging people, chopping off broken legs, and generally being kind of badass? In a scary way. Her wig looks, well, like it survived a plane crash. Which is to say that it only looks slightly worse than when it was back in New Jersey? THIS IS A HUNGRY WIG THAT WILL DEFINITELY EAT HUMANS IF MISTY DOESN’T FIRST.
BANG....CRASH. Present day Misty is.....oof. Clearly they shot the pilot and then shot the rest of the episodes much later because this is NOT the same wig that Christina Ricci had in the first episode! It is much blonder and much thirstier. This wig is halfway to a Cruella DeVille and honestly SO IS MISTY. Never prank call anyone because they will definitely smash an airplane black box and maybe try to kill your grandma in a nursing home later!
BANGCRASH oh no young Natalie got a reshoot wig! This is not the real hair that the actress had in the pilot. THIS IS A CANNIBAL WIG!!!! Totally different texture, fullness, and lack of darker roots. DID THEY THINK WE WOULDN’T NOTICE?!
THIS EPISODE SERVED SERIOUS CANNIBAL WIGS!!!!!
Episode 3
CANNIBAL WIGS: 7/10
WELP. It’s starting to set in that these girls are gonna be in the wilderness for a while but luckily they found a water source!! BEACH PARTY! Sadly, Natalie’s wig has somehow gotten more platinum and dried out. THIS WIG IS HUNGRY AND THIRSTY!
OH GOD FORGET I SAID THIRSTY. PLEASE DRY THIS WIG OFF. OH GOD.
Anyway, in addition to finding water, the girls (and 3 dudes..) also find a cabin! Don’t worry: it is VERY CREEPY. (Not as creepy as these wigs, though).
All that can be said about present day Misty’s wig is just above. PLEASE LEAVE, WIG. WE HAVE NOTHING FOR YOU HERE.
ALSO: Apparently Misty has a bird. OF COURSE MISTY HAS A BIRD.
Episode 4
CANNIBAL WIGS: 8/10
So they found a cabin, and the cabin has a gun! ALSO A LOT OF AMMUNITION! So it’s time for all the teens to try to shoot shit to see who is best at hunting and not worry about wasting bullets. EVERYONE SUCKS AT SHOOTING!
Even Misty, who is starting to rethink the whole smashing of blackbox thing - everyone is finding her insufferable again though her wig has rebounded to pre-crash heights. Also legit: WHERE CAN I BUY HER ENTIRE CAT SWEATSHIRT COLLECTION?
Present day Misty is still blonder than the pilot, still definitely insane. I don’t even know what to call this hair color. Off-beige?! This wig is so very distracting I just can’t you guys.
Also Misty takes an old lady out for cocktails in order to spy on Juliette Lewis and ORDERS A CHOCOLATE MARTINI. EMERGENCY, YOU GUYS. THIS WOMAN IS NOT OK AND NEITHER AM I NOW.
I realize that I’m leaving out like 70% of storylines on this show for lack of wigs. HOWEVER, in this episode, the character of Tai who is running for NJ state senate or something (who cares!) and THIS WOMAN shows up at some fundraiser!! #1 - THE ONLY THING PEOPLE EVER ASK THE YELLOWJACKET WOMEN ABOUT IS BEING A YELLOWJACKET. THE. ONLY. THING. It’s wild. #2 Is this supposed to be a wig within the context of the show? Let us all hope so because this wig is very obvious, very shiny and NEEDS TO WATCH ITS TONE.
Back at gun school, Travis (the one teenage dude) is REALLY trying to prove his manliness. I HATE TRAVIS THERE I SAID IT. Not as much as I hate Natalie’s wig of course, but duh.
In a flashback (within a flashback!) we see pre-crash (and pre-blonde!) Natalie living in some kind of trailerpark Lifetime movie and it is ROUGH you guys. The wig is somewhat more rough, but still not as rough as the blonde one post-crash.
THIS WAS MY FACE DURING THIS ENTIRE FLASHBACK SEQUENCE. WOOF! Anyway, I’m glad Natalie’s dad died and yay for her being able to use a gun? BOO ON THIS WIG FOREVER.
BUT BOO ON THIS BLONDE WIG FOREVER AND EVER AMEN. #90s (Also Natalie shot a deer so they can eat but it’s not cannibalism BOO)
Episode 5
CANNIBAL WIGS: 7/10
Now Christina Ricci’s wig is darker? This wig is seriously gaslighting me, you guys. But Misty is gaslighting everyone else so I guess: FAIR.
OF COURSE Misty is a Citizen Detective (officially?) and uses her nerdy connections to help Juliette Lewis uncover wtf happened to Travis. This wig looks no better under bar lighting, FYI.
Back at the crash, Coach Ben has HAD IT with Misty and, you know, how she keeps trying to help him via poisoning him. Still: her wig is lethal and should come with a chemical warning.
Meanwhile, all the girls’ periods have synced up (UGH WHY IS THIS ALWAYS A STORYLINE WITH GROUPS OF GIRLS) which conveniently leads to us discovering that young Shauna is pregnant. However, I do appreciate that this show tackles survivalist maxi pads which I don’t believe Lost ever even attempted.
Also: that cabin is still creepy! Creepy enough that Jackie suggests a friggin SEANCE CAN YOU BELIEVE. Misty’s wig sadly doesn’t catch on fire, but Lottie gets possessed! I was here for it!
The possession is broken by that one token religious girl throwing a bible (not bc it was a bible I don’t think - books are just heavy?) Also: Natalie’s wig when pulled back into a ponytail NEEDS AN EXORCISM.
Episode 6
CANNIBAL WIGS: 8/10
This episode was kind of boring! Natalie and Travis (who are definitely gonna have sex - yuck) shot a deer full of maggots! Double yuck also still not cannibalism. BORING!
However: MISTY’S HAIR IS SO BLONDE NOW WTF. This wigmaster keeps changing wigs on us like we’re not going to notice. UNLESS MISTY SOMEHOW HAD SUN-IN WITH HER ON THIS TRIP WHICH WOULD HAVE BEEN VERY #90s AND VERY MISTY.
Natalie’s wig is also blonder!! YOU GUYS! WHAT! IF THIS IS NOT A SUN-IN PRODUCT PLACEMENT THEN THIS IS INEXCUSABLE!
Back in present day, Misty is still bonkers and her hair is still...off-beige? She is now holding a reporter hostage which is very Misery and I think Kathy Bates would honestly be proud.
Episode 7
CANNIBAL WIGS: 9/10
Ok so I realize that I really have been ignoring Tai but it’s only because I find her to be one of the more boring characters? Also: wigless. HOWEVER, that all changes this episode because THIS BITCH SLEEPWALKS AND EATS DIRT. Sadly, this means her creepy kid isn’t actually having creepy visions of a mystery woman - it’s just his dirt eating mom. BORING!
Young Tai is getting less boring, too, because she is SICK of cabin life and decides to break free by leading an expedition to...over the mountain maybe? I don’t know but the important part is that SHE GIVES HERSELF A HAIRCUT. WELCOME TO CANNIBAL WIG LEVEL, TAI!
This wig is not great but as wigs on this show go...it is actually maybe the best one? Probably just because it is very very short. It is fine! Also Tai’s (secret) girlfriend Van likes the new lewk and comes along on the expedition which IS A TERRIBLE IDEA BECAUSE VAN’S FACE IS HALF EATEN OFF BY WOLVES. YES YOU READ THAT CORRECTLY. And whilst Tai sleepwalked into a goddamned tree! WHAT. Anyway, Van’s face is a MESS and they almost burn her body but then SHE COMES BACK TO LIFE AND VAN IS INDESTRUCTIBLE VAN4EVER.
Misty also goes on the mountain expedition and puts this wig in a half pony! NOOOOOO. This wig just keeps getting worse and sadly is yet to be eaten by wolves.
UGH NATALIE AND TRAVIS. These two are insufferable. But nothing is worse than this platinum blonde wig back in a ponytail!!!
Anyway, this hookup from hell is cut short either because they tried to have sex in an open window or I don’t know whatever - who cares? Natalie’s wig is SO SAD about it but at least Travis tried to use protection (seriously why did coach Ben have so many condoms?!) Safety first, you guys!
Back in contemporary times, Christina Ricci has gone full Annie Wilkes and I love it. SHE LOVES IT! Bitch is having so much fun! Her wig remains a mess but nothing new on that front. Also the boring blackmailing subplot that I wasn’t really paying attention to comes to a head and results in a blackmailer covered in GLITTER but not in the fun Mariah Carey way.
Episode 8
CANNIBAL WIGS: 7/10
Trouble in non the opposite of paradise! NATALIE AND TRAVIS KIND OF BROKE UP BECAUSE THEY DIDN’T HAVE SEX?! Ugh whatever DON’T CARE. Travis is literally the only dude on earth and even though he is mopey and boring and sucks at hunting, all the girls suddenly want him and HE SUCKS! SO DOES NATALIE’S WIG! Oh also Jackie really sucks for telling Travis about Natalie sleeping with his sworn enemy and telling everyone that Shauna is pregnant. UGH JACKIE. However: VAN IS ALIVE! VAN4EVER!
But really: in what world are we supposed to believe this is not a wig? It is such a bad wig that Natalie is starting to look like wigmaster’s enemy Anya Taylor-Joy so WOOF. Anyway, a big part of this episode was devoted to the jesus-y girl LAURA LEE who is such a southern bible-belt character shoehorned into this NJ soccer narrative that I refuse to give her any attention (plus she’s wigless). Anyway, she attended Mary Magdalene Summer camp (I knew religious people liked hookers!) and hit her head in a pool or something and now she knows how to fly a plane and y’all THIS IS WILD. Everyone is just like: ok we will CUT DOWN TREES so you can fly an old propeller plane for us to freedom?! THEY’RE LOGGERS NOW?!?!?!?! Obviously, the plane, Laura Lee, AND HER TEDDY BEAR immediately combust. Sayonara!
Coach Ben knew the plane was a bad idea but no one is listening to Coach Ben anymore (plus dude actually logged some trees to support the plane idea UGH). HOWEVER this was a big episode because it was revealed that Coach Ben is gay! SHANTAY YOU STAY!! But why are you confiding in the chick with the worst hair?!?!! FOR SHAME!
Back in 2021, Misty’s wig has gotten dusty as HELL. It’s probably from going down in the basement so much to deal with her kidnap victim but still: this wig is not aging well. Oh also! That rando Shauna is having an affair with is maybe someone bad! DUH!
Also! Tai and her fabulous coif have a sleepover party at Shauna’s and I DEMAND ANSWERS about this Prince Harry themed “You Can Still Marry Harry” poster which is definitely circa 2011 when Prince William got married AKA A DECADE AGO - WHY WOULD SHAUNA’S TEENAGE DAUGHTER HAVE THIS AND ALSO DOES SHAUNA’S DAUGHTER JUST LIVE AT ALANA’S HOUSE NOW WTF?!
Episode 9
CANNIBAL WIGS: 8/10
THIS EPISODE. You guys. I can’t. The crash survivors have concluded that they are definitely all gonna starve to death with impending winter so LET’S THROW A HOMECOMING DANCE. The idea that girls just wanna have a dance is eyeroll-inducing but not as much as the fact that they call it DOOMSCOMING and also somehow manage to all have formalwear AND make Etsy-level woodland decorations for the affair. TRULY: NO. Not since A Quiet Place served bespoke farmhouse wedding vibes has anything seemed so extra and insane in a post-apocalyptic world.
Honestly, if they put 1/10th the amount of effort they clearly put into making these MATCHING FORMAL EYEPATCHES maybe they wouldn’t need an end of the world event? It must have taken 1000x the amount of time to make Lottie’s antler queen headdress alone as it seems to take them to find worms to eat! NO!
Anyway, Van and Tai’s lesbian smooch ALMOST inspires Coach Ben to out himself to the group at large but not quite! Why he would lead Misty along when he could simply tell her he doesn’t even like her gender is mystifying but so is this entire affair.
Misty really dolls herself up and her hair basically looks the way it did pre-crash? I would LOVE to know how these girls are maintaining their hair by only having access to a lake AND how Coach Ben is keeping his whites so white but NO TIME FOR THAT - MISTY HAS A TRAPPER KEEPER FULL OF POISON MUSHROOMS! OF COURSE SHE DOES! In an attempt to poison Coach Ben (AGAIN!) she shrooms the entire group via mushroom stew. Only Jackie manages to waste the VERY VIABLE FOOD so that she can go have sex with Travis.
NATALIE IS SAD ABOUT IT! Coach Ben comforts her about it and although he clearly has access to hair products, does not offer her ANY when clearly this wig is the most thirsty it has EVER BEEN! C’MON BEN! They also figure out about the shrooms!
It is very too late to tell the group who have COMPLETELY LOST THEIR MIND ON SHROOMS and proceed to lead a savage revenge party on the sex cabin and try to rape/murder Travis. I don’t like Travis but as the token teen boy, it really sucks to be him right now? Unless this is his thing which it might be - ugh, Travis. Also I keep forgetting he has a little brother who is collateral shroom damage in all this and is told to run away and is DEFINITELY gonna die.
UNLESS! He is the grown up dude Shauna was having an affair with and for sure just murdered so oh well I guess we’ll never know? JULIETTE LEWIS IS PISSED ABOUT IT! So pissed that she goes back to Misty who is trying out lipstick with her hostage victim which is honestly very Stockholm syndrome on the level of Ruthless People. Misty OF COURSE will help them dispose of this body (whoever he is!) as long as they can all be galpals.
Oh and her wig is INCREDIBLY DEFLATED in this episode as is the will to live by this reporter/hostage who definitely will die no matter what.
Episode 10
CANNIBAL WIGS: 7/10
WE MADE IT TO THE LAST EPISODE!! Are you still reading this? Am I still writing this? What is real and what is a shroom hallucination?!?! WHO KNOWS! It’s the day after DOOMSCOMING and everyone had a NIGHT. LOOK AT NATALIE’S WIG!! Even though it saved stupid Travis from death (THIS TIME!) this wig is never gonna be the same. YIKES. Jackie and Shauna for SURE are never gonna be the same since Jackie reveals that she 100% read Shauna’s journal (writing a journal has a 1000% guarantee someone else will read it! Paper trail, people!) After QUOTING BEACHES (I’m not kidding), Shauna banishes Jackie from the suddenly cozy ass creepy cabin which now has Quiet Place farmhouse vibes UGH.
Meanwhile: HOW IS VAN’S FACE HEALED SO WELL! HALF OF IT WAS GONE RECENTLY FROM A WOLF ATTACK! As someone who has recently undergone oral surgery and several rounds of antibiotics, I can confirm that Van is a marvel of (lack of) modern medicine. Also now she has an asymmetrical wig? YOU DO YOU VAN! Also: Tai’s wig is still fine. Misty’s wig is awful but so is Misty and no one is letting her near them because she shroomed them all. FAIR! Not fair? JACKIE DIED OF HYPOTHERMIA ! WHAT?! I mean sure: she had no viable survivalist skills other than bullying, manipulation and journal reading but wouldn’t she have begged to come inside if she was freezing to death?? THIS BITCH DIED OF PRIDE! Shauna falls to her knees and screams which this show seems to think is something people do a lot (Jackie herself did it when the jesus plane exploded!) Anyway: aren’t Natalie and Travis also outside being cold? WHERE IS JAVI?!?!?!
THESE ARE ALL GONNA HAVE TO BE CLIFFHANGERS TIL SEASON 2 HARRUMPH. MOVING ON: THIS BITCH! I guess I must have missed something with all the shrooming and death but I have no clue who this person is however SHE THREW THE CLASS OF 1996 25th REUNION. She is also the only character in this entire show where people grew up in New Jersey who actually has a New Jersey accent. ONLY IMPORTANT PLOTHOLE. Her hair is so beachy housewife and I’m here for this bitch and how awkward she makes everyone feel.
(MISTY STILL MAKES EVERYONE FEEL MORE AWKWARD). This wig is still VERY DEFLATED but Misty is living her best life! She helped her frenemies dispose of a body, recouped some rubbermaids, murdered a hostage via poisoned cigarette and WORE THIS TUXEDO JACKET. More on fashion later but so much happened in this episode! Tai won her stupid political whatever by maybe making a satanic dog sacrifice (unless her kid did?), Shauna’s husband actually isn’t a cheater but is a blackmailer, Shauna burned some popcorn, and JULIETTE LEWIS BREAKS A SNACK MACHINE THEN TRIES TO KILL HERSELF ONLY TO BE STOLEN AWAY BY CULT MEMBERS. THERE ARE SO MANY LOOSE ENDS FOR SEASON 2.
BUT WHO CARES - FASHION!!!! I think we are all that dude in the striped polo when I say: THIS IS HOW YOU MAKE AN ENTRANCE. I want everything that all these bitches are wearing. Also: are we to believe that this reunion is the same day as election day (or day after when results were called?) WHO HAS A MIDWEEK REUNION. I DEMAND ANSWERS!
ALSO THERE WAS ABSOLUTELY NO CONCRETE CANNIBALISM IN THIS SHOW AS I WAS PROMISED! ONLY CANNIBAL WIGS! BOO!
(Yes, I’ll watch season 2).
VERDICT: DOESN’T WURQ
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WIG REVIEW: WEST SIDE STORY
It’s Oscar week, bebe! I am really trying to see ALL the nominated movies (that involve wigs) before Sunday. I should have probably seen West Side Story in the theater but didn’t because of looming omnicron (and because I’m a garbage person) but it’s finally on HBO Max and Disney Plus. There is absolutely no reason why this movie should have been remade but I will say: this remake is good! But what about the wigs? Let’s discuss.
I guess if you’re going to remake a movie that won 10 Oscars and really did not need remaking at all - at least do it with a huge budget and make everything really pretty? THIS MOVIE FEELS PRETTY (see what I did there?) The art direction, cinematography, costumes and, yes, wigs clearly got some cash thrown at them. AS IT ALWAYS SHOULD BE!!! The main wigs on display are on Anita and her gals and they are all 50s perfection. The seamwork, texture, and quality of these wigs are impeccable and I love that the wigs on all the background dancers are just as high quality. TAKE NOTE: GIVE WIGS SOME MONEY, HUNNY!
Ariana DeBose will probably win an Oscar as Anita and I hope her wig does too! Look at this coif!
Maria and Tony were honestly kind of boring and their hair was meh but like whatever - it’s all about Anita anyway!!!!
The dudes just grew their hair out and greased it back - as it should be! Grow those manes for your craft!!
The one exception was the normally bald-headed Corey Stoll. This man wig actually wurqs!!! And has a back taper! That never happens!!! I am shook!
And then there’s Rita. SHE IS 90s YEARS OLD! Let us all be blessed with her longevity and style and wig budget. I think this wig might honestly be one she has for everyday use but YOU DO YOU RITA! YOU HAVE AN EGOT AND HAVE EARNED THE RIGHT!!!
Throw a scarf on this wig and call it a day. All nice old lady wigs should be this good! I’m really rooting for the wig department on this movie to win on Sunday because these wigs wurq down to their roots! (As does this movie!)
VERDICT: WURQS
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WIG REVIEW: THE TENDER BAR
Another year, another Oscar-bait memoir of the damned. If you wished Hillbilly Elegy could just swap the south for the north, drugs for alcohol, and Glenn Close for Christopher Lloyd then I guess this movie is for you? EXCEPT Glenn almost won an Oscar for her portrayal of Mamaw (still 0 for 8!) and Sir Lloyd has NEVER BEEN NOMINATED FOR AN OSCAR YES NOT EVEN FOR WHO FRAMED ROGER RABBIT! Regardless, both films are absolute TRASH and I watched them so you never ever have to. But what about the wigs? Let’s discuss.
This is a true and incredibly boring story of a kid who spent most of his formative years in his uncle’s pub. That’s basically the entire movie. He and his single mom live with his grandpa, Christopher Lloyd, who mainly looks like a homeless person but this one time dressed like the dude from Phantasm for some school dad event or something. This wig is the least offensive in the movie and I can’t really say anything negative about Christopher Lloyd and though he should definitely win an Oscar for something, at least he will never have to dance to DA BUTT on live tv.
The young kid in this is wigless and fine and has the most LUCIOUS eyelashes you have ever seen in your life. And then he morphs into....
TYE SHERIDAN?!?! THESE TWO GUYS LOOK NOTHING ALIKE!! My mom seriously wants to write an angry letter to George Clooney complaining that this casting makes no sense. “WHERE DID HIS EYELASHES GO?!?!” was a phrase she uttered MORE THAN ONCE. AND SHE’S NOT WRONG.
WRONGER STILL? Tye is clearly the victim of any wigmaster’s most devious plot: THE RESHOOT WIG. His hair goes from wavy wigless to blown-out 80s straight as haphazardly as this move, well, tries to do anything!
WHAT IS THIS WIG?! What is this movie??? The entire second two thirds of it is about him entering into a Emilio Estevez in St. Elmo’s Fire obsession with an ivy league classmate that spans decades in this movie and also decades of my own brain capacity watching this movie.
Also! Most of this movie is supposedly set in Long Island but because Ben Affleck is involved IT’S SET IN BOSTON. Ben Affleck was really set up for an Oscar campaign that didn’t materialize (don’t worry - he still has 2 Oscars for not acting!) Throughout the decades he goes from this retro blowout wig which is honestly fine to his real hair.
THIS COULD LITERALLY BE A STILL FROM ANY BEN AFFLECK MOVIE OR HIS REAL LIFE.
In a parallel timeline/universe, Lily Rabe plays the mom who sports her same long (real) hair for most of the movie and ages not one bit and then in the final 10 minutes....
....is in the cast of Working Girl?!?!?! NO!!!
Truly and from the bottom of my heart: this entire film is a complete waste of time and isn’t as unintentionally funny as Hillbilly Elegy. Please do NOT WATCH IT. AND PLEASE NEVER INCUR THE WRATH OF A RESHOOT WIG (OR MY MOM’S CASTING ISSUES!)
VERDICT: DOESN’T WURQ
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WIG REVIEW: BEING THE RICARDOS
And here we are. With only a few days to go before the Oscars, I actually forced myself to watch this. My mental health might be worse for it, but I consider this a personal and professional achievement. And the only achievement which should be associated with this movie though it would be more accurate to call this a hallucinatory fever dream which will test your will to live. I watched it so you will never have to. But what about the wigs? LET’S DISCUSS.
As we all know, Nicole Kidman is wigmaster’s enemy #1 and also someone who has brought me on terrifying wig journeys of coats, nonsense, and big little lies (twice!) I didn’t think I could mentally endure another such journey but I’m a garbarge person who couldn’t bear to see my Fire TV advertise this trash without watching it any more. We all have our limits!!!
Here’s the thing: THIS MOVIE IS A LIE! A LIE UPON A LIE UPON A LIE!! It claims to be a biopic but that is probably an insult to both biographies and moving pictures because it takes events from the lives of Lucille Ball and Desi Arnaz which occurred in real life over the course of several years - Lucy’s second pregnancy, being accused of being a communist, Desi being accused of being unfaithful, etc etc. This all happened at various different times but Aaron Sorkin shoehorns them into happening in one week for narrative purposes (?) but also presents this information in a mockumentary style which serves to promote all of this as actual facts. People play older versions of I Love Lucy staff and address the camera to perpetuate this narrative timeline of lies! LIES UPON LIES UPON LIES! This movie is the Human Centipede of biopics!
ANYWAY! Nicole Kidman plays Lucy even though she is 10-100 years older than the real Lucille Ball at the time of the event(s). As promised, her wigs are perhaps the worst she has worn in years?? LOOK AT THE PART IN THIS THING!!!! NO SCALP TO BE SEEN UNDER ANYTHING. TEXTURE LIKE IT’S STRAIGHT FROM HALLOWEEN ADVENTURE. THE WORST.
Apologies to Javier Bardem for being a part of this AT ALL.
The movie does manage to flash back from the “week” in which it takes place to show how Lucy and Desi met in the first place and established themselves in Hollywood. This movie really is La La Land in that it is absolute fantasy nonsense and also somehow worst than the 2016 movie of the same name. In the 40s (?) Lucy had this brunette fright wig and JESUS GOD NO. (Javier Bardem’s sleek pompadour is fine).
Back in the made up ‘50s, Nicole Kidman - who is using a regular Nicole Kidman pseudo-Australian voice to be Lucy off camera, and a shrill off-Brooklynease voice on camera (CHOICES!!) - is micromanaging the whole rehearsal process because THIS SHOW HAS TO WORK or else it’s maybe going to get canceled and she is going to get blacklisted? I dunno. The stakes are vague and since we know the result are also nonexistent! Also the writing is confusing, the movie is endless, the wigs are TERRIBLE. Along for this journey into the heart of darkness are JK Simmons and Nina Ariana as Fred and Ethel and look NOTHING LIKE THEM but it’s not like Javier or Nicole look remotely like Desi and Lucy so SURE!
ALSO! Alia Shawkat plays the one female writer on the staff (AND HER OLDER VERSION IS PLAYED BY LINDA LAVIN AND YES!!!!) Anyway, this wig is 50s housewife FINE and I would have rather watched a movie SOLELY about this character.
Instead we are treated to endless backstory about how I Love Lucy came to be which basically is told to us that Lucy lost her movie contract at RKO and had to make radio comedies instead and I made the grave error of trying to factcheck this timeline via IMDb and it is obviously ALL BLATANT LIES - BITCH MADE LIKE 30000 movies during the decade this movie would have us believe she had no film prospects! But why did I even bother researching? I knew this movie was a lie so that’s on me.
Whether on display on a radio soundstage, put into an updo, or hidden under a hat that looks like a delicious cinnamon roll, these wigs made me wish that this movie had been on the radio SO I DIDN’T HAVE TO LOOK AT THEM.
In the end, Lucy and Desi manage to remain a successful TV force (WHO WOULD HAVE GUESSED THAT THIS SHOW WAS SUCCESSFUL?) And though Nicole Kidman tried to gaslight me into liking her via wearing this really awesome vest and slacks set, there is no way in hell this movie had any viability of wurqing for me on any level and it actually managed to be somehow worse than I anticipated.
AND I HAVEN’T EVEN ADDRESSED WHATEVER MAKEUP/PROSTHETICS/HOODOO WITCHERY THEY USED TO MAKE HER FACE LOOK LIKE THIS! THIS!!!!! MAY THIS IMAGE HAUNT YOU FOREVER BECAUSE IT CERTAINLY WILL HAUNT ME FOR THE REST OF MY LIVING DAYS! HAPPY OSCAR WEEK!
VERDICT: DOESN’T WURQ
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WIG REVIEW: NIGHTMARE ALLEY
Another Oscar bait movie, another remake of the damned!!! West Side Story did not need to be remade but actually wurqed - this movie also did not need to be remade and fully lived up to its title. IT’S A NIGHTMARE! It is also very VERY long and I watched all of it so you don’t ever have to. But what about the wigs? Let’s discuss.
Let me begin by saying: I DO NOT LIKE BRADLEY COOPER UNLESS HE IS PLAYING A 70S ASSHOLE. Definitely my enjoyment of this movie was affected by the fact that I truly did not care about him, his character, whoever he might have killed in the first moments of his movie and then set a house ablaze, and certainly not his penis. THIS IS A YEAR FOR DICKS and you almost kind of see his in this early scene in a bath if that is something you remotely care about (I DO NOT). I do, however, support Toni Collette in most things, and especially this wig! It has a nice 30s wave and texture and I wish had not been subjected to Bradley Cooper or any of his body parts.
Anyway, this movie is all carnie horrors from the getgo - tortured souls, tortured babies, tortured people, tortured chickens! It’s a lot and Guillermo del Toro clearly wants to shock and awe but the only thing I was shocked by is that NO ONE TOLD ME DAVID STRATHAIRN WAS IN THIS MOVIE YES!!!! His old lady is Toni Collette and their carnie deal is basically as fake clairvoyants: lying to people about familial dead ghosts. IT’S A LIVING! Bradley learns all he can from them and then MURDERS DAVID STRATHAIRN TO TAKE HIS COOL JOB AND IF I DIDN’T ALREADY HATE YOU BRADLEY COOPER UGHHHHHHHH.
He also charms Rooney Mara who has kind of a dumpy wig at first but does a really cool carnie trick where she electrocutes herself and man - people were really into paying to see other people get hurt in the 30s. What a time!
Rooney and Bradley leave the carnie life behind to cultivate a high class fake clairvoyant act. And after 2 years it works! They are making BANK lying to people about ghosts and wow maybe I picked the wrong profession. Rooney’s wig gets an upgrade! Bradley’s hair is still as slimey as he is but since he’s playing a career conman I guess it makes sense but also: WHO CARES. How he manages to actually psych people into believing him is never really explained and is also basically the plot of the USA show Psych except this movie is not funny at all and also endless.
2 hours (or maybe 2 days?) into this movie, Cate Blanchett shows up as a vamp/psychologist who thinks Bradley is a liar and duh she’s right but then they team up to defraud a bunch of rich assholes? Anyway, this wig isn’t bad and I definitely wanted to live in every interior she inhabited. Still, her motivations are so murky and everything is so boring at this point that like truly, no thanks.
MARY FUCKING STEENBERGEN shows up as a bereaved mother and again - this wig is very servable but deserved to be in a better movie? This is around when Bradley’s character gets really greedy about lying to rich people about ghosts and it ends in a murder/suicide because sure?
AND THEN! Rooney Mara and her slightly longer but still very boring wig try to escape the clutches of Bradley’s nonsense (and blatant cheating on her with Cate Blanchett in a weird Carol reunion no one wanted) but somehow agrees to one more con in which she has to appear as the dead lover of rich asshole Richard Jenkins.
This is where shit really just turns into a Guillermo del Toro nightmare nonsense fest and all logic - wig and otherwise- go out the window. In this scene in which Rooney appears as this fake ghost, she has to both cover herself in fake blood AND wear a wig for reasons unknown. WHY!!! She wears a wig in a turn of the century updo and then quickly removes it to run away from Richard Jenkins but like - WHY DID YOU NEED A WIG? Your hair was the same color and length of this ghost lady - just use bobby pins???? The wigs up until this point were fine but this plot point turned the tides. I love a wig on wig reveal but THIS ONE IS UNNECESSARY AND STUPID! Then again, this whole movie is unnecessary and stupid.
VERDICT: DOESN’T WURQ
#wigwurq#nightmarealley#guillermodeltoro#cateblachett#cooljobs#tonicollette#DAVIDSTRATHAIRN#rooneymara#wigonwig#WHYTHO
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WIG REVIEW: PAM AND TOMMY
Ok so I just finished this whole series and I sort of feel like a bad feminist for watching it at all since Pamela Anderson did not cosign this. HOWEVER this show could not be more pro-Pam!! But what about the wigs? Let’s discuss on an episode by episode basis.
EPISODE 1
We begin with one of the worst people in the 90s or any other time: JAY LENO. Or I should say, some random actor playing Jay Leno. He asks Pam Anderson, played breathlessly by Lily James, how it feels to have a sex tape. Already I wanna vom. This is going to be a show.
The episode flashes back to the origin of said tape and the carpenter who stole it: SETH ROGAN. IN JORTS!! This show is so so very mid-90s. But Seth’s character, Rand, is firmly stuck in the 80s as shown by his very late 80s mullet. This wig ain’t bad! It avoids the issue with most bad guy wigs - the back taper - by being a total party in the back.
Enter party pooper: Tommy Lee. This show is very anti-Tommy and I love it for that! Tommy Lee very much sucks in life and on this show. As played by Winter Soldier Sebastian Stan, I have to say: he looks exactly like Tommy. This is NOT a wig - he underwent a dyejob and keratin treatment for this lewk - and the result is pretty perfect. Way to commit to hair for your craft!
We don’t get much of Pam in this episode but the few scenes she is in I have to say - this wig is pretty great!! Lily James underwent a pretty intense makeover to look like Pam and she honestly very looks like her!
LOOK AT THIS WIG! The part, seams, texture, roots - everything is working here. It looks just as platinum bombshell as Pam did circa 1995.
Most of this episode is devoted to Rand NOT being paid by Tommy Lee because, well, Tommy is an asshole??? Rand decides to get his back payments by stealing a super unguarded safe in Tommy and Pam’s garage, where Tommy, a professional drummer, plays drums. This was honestly the biggest question I had in this episode: WHY DOES TOMMY LEE PLAY DRUMS IN THE GARAGE LIKE A SUBURBAN TEENAGER? WOULDN’T HE HAVE HIS OWN HOME STUDIO??? Anyway, Rand hatches a plan that legit involves buying a fake fur rug from Pier 1 (PEAK 90s!) and using it to pretend to be a giant fluffy dog for the security guards. IT IS SO STUPID BUT STUPIDER STILL: IT WORKS!!!
Rand gets all the loot from the safe including, yes, the sex tape (which he was not banking on) as well as lots of guns (UGH) and money. The plot of this show is basically: don’t screw over a carpenter because he will enact revenge. AND DID WE LEARN NOTHING FROM OVERBOARD?!?! THIS IS THE SAME PLOT!
EPISODE 2
Rand takes the tape to friend and porn impresario “Uncle Milty” as played by Nick Offerman IN THIS DAMN WIG. Yes, this is a complete mess but I suppose it is on brand for a mid-90s porn kingpin. I really appreciate the difference in texture from the greased back top to the frizzed out ends.
Most of this episode centers on the further flashback origin story of Pam and Tommy’s romance which begins at an LA club. PAM’S 90s UPDO IS EVERYTHING! LOOK AT THESE BANGS!! Look at these tendrils! YES!
CAN I GO TO THE CLUB WITH 90s PAM ANDERSON?!?! This episode includes Pam’s posse of gal pals who are never explained or seen again in this series. Their identities will remain a mystery for the ages!
Anyway, apparently Pam and Tommy met when Pam bought the whole club shots which included Tommy and he responded by walking up to her and LICKING HER FACE. TRUE LOVE!!!
He then basically stalks her to Mexico where he distracts her from her friends and career and this relationship is really starting out great.
This show never shies away from what an absolute dick Tommy is but will likely be remembered best for the scene in which HE ACTUALLY HAS A CONVERSATION WITH HIS OWN ANIMATRONIC DICK. Yes, you read that correctly. Apparently Tommy is ruled by his own penis (makes sense!) and it is telling him to avoid Pam but he isn’t listening. He wants Pam! Also this show is actually maybe bonkers.
4 days after meeting, Pam and Tommy get married on a Mexican beach. Yes, this really happened! Yes, Tommy’s hair was actually much shorter in real life but Pam’s beached out blonde is every Baywatch reality.
But on the plane back from Mexico, these two lovebirds realize that they actually barely know each other and might not be compatible. Pam doesn’t like horror movies like Tommy! OOPS! I love Pam’s undercover wig here. She’s hiding it but she still used her curing iron!
EPISODE 3
MORE FLASHBACKS!! As Rand and Miltie try to find a way to sell this sex tape, we get some background on how Rand even had connections to the porn industry. Turns out his ex wife - as played by that bitch from OITNB - in the most shoutrageously frizzed out late 80s wigs ever - is a porn star and so was he? Kinda? Anyway, she has now left him for a woman and basically treats him like her super and his new mission is to find her a replacement part for her toilet.
It is whilst researching toilet parts that he discovers this new weird thing called THE INTERNET and a sex crime scheme is born! Of course, as with any startup, they’d need some cash on hand. Enter: Andrew FRIGGIN Dice Clay as some sort of mobster or whatever who will fully bankroll this mess and what could go wrong?
Meanwhile, Pam and Tommy are adjusting to married life and Pam is fighting for Baywatch monologues. There’s talking in Baywatch? Anyway, this updo is fighting to be a serious actor! The parting of the bangs is really everything. Also apparently Baywatch producers are scumbags! This show is fairly educational.
EPISODE 4
Welp here we are. Rand and Miltie actually did it - they figured out how to harness the internets to sell VHS copies of Pam and Tommy’s stolen sex tape. SEX CRIMES!!! It’s all very awful as is the fact that Pam discovers the existence of the tape on the Baywatch set whilst crew members casually view it. She brings it to Tommy who is living under the misbelief that Motley Crue is still a viable band.
Pam is sick to her stomach, also because she is pregnant (mazel!) Having dealt with scumbags exploiting her for her entire life, this is nothing new but Tommy is just PISSED. Pam’s sad deflated wig really says it all.
One of my favorite parts of this show is how little people knew how to use the internet in the mid 90s. Especially celebrities! Pam and Tommy go undercover to find their sextape online at the....the public library! WILD! You know that they had to use Pam’s library card - there is no way in hell Tommy Lee has a library card. ANYWAY, Pam’s under hoodie wig is still amazing.
Tommy of course DOES NOT GET IT as in all things and quickly forms a list of people who might have been mad at him enough to steal and broadcast a sex tape and it basically includes ALL OF HOLLYWOOD. I have to hand it to Pam’s wig for staying calm under the pressure of it all and managing very good updos!
However, the pressure finally gets too much and ends in a miscarriage which is apparently true but the timeline was rearranged. It’s all heartbreaking. I love that they show a deglammed Pam for this - and her disheveled hair works on its own sad level. Of course, the paparazzi still harass them at the worst possible time and Pam loses it with the help of THE CLUB (the 90s anti-car theft device!) on a pap’s windshield and I SUPPORT YOU, PAM!
EPISODE 5
It’s hard to know exactly how true any of this is or what facts have been enhanced but I firmly believe that Pamela Anderson meditates as much as this show would have us believe. Girlfriend has a lot going on! Namaste away!
I am in love with Pam’s lady publicist, Gail, who has the unfortunate duty of dealing with all this sex tape nonsense when she just signed on to promote Pam’s new movie, Barb Wire. Gail is way better at the internet than Pam or Tommy and shows Pam the full extent of internet searches for the sex tape. Pam and her glorious updo are horrified.
Even more horrifying? Penthouse publisher Bob Guccione somehow gets ahold of the tape. HE IS PLAYED BY REX MANNING HISSELF, MAXWELL CAUFIELD!! THIS IS PEAK MID90S! SAY NO MORE, MON AMOUR! This wig is sleazeball perfection! I don’t know who this lady is supposed to be but I want her dress!
Bob wants to publish stills from the sex tape in Penthouse (rival of Playboy where Pam has modeled many times). Tommy immediately lawyers up about it and all the men in the room say THEY MUST SUE! Pam (correctly!) says that if they do, it will only draw more attention to the tape. Everyone ignores Pam and sues.
And the tape gets so much attention that Jay Leno starts mentioning it in his monologue. THE VERY WORST TIMELINE. However, Pam’s beach waves have never looked better!
EPISODE 6
THIS EPISODE. UGH. The Penthouse lawsuit results in a deposition JUST for Pam which is perhaps the most awful slut-shaming episode of an TV show I’ve ever seen. SCUMBAGS ALL AROUND! However, Pam’s professional updo with CRISS CROSS PART is everything.
We get a flashback to the late 80s where apparently Pam was discovered via a Canadian sports jumbotron?! I have to say that the late 80s wigs (OITNB chick included) are not as fabulous as the mid-90s ones and this dude wig is probably the worst of the series. Also Pam definitely had a type: JERKS!
I think the main issue with these late 80s is the large gap between the bangs and the hair flip - this is DEP gone bad! However, this episode does portray Playboy as a very respectful place to work (!) you can even bring your mom to the Playboy mansion!! However, back at Pam’s deposition, I have never felt so very nauseated for anyone. JUSTICE FOR PAM. Also of course Penthouse won. UGH.
EPISODE 7
It’s time for Pam’s big movie, BARB WIRE, to come out! I have never seen this movie and did not realize Pam played a character named Barb. BARB Wire. Wow. Anyway, I’m pretty sure Pam’s hair has never looked this full and fabulous in real life but given how awful the last episode was - good for her!
Meanwhile, everything is VERY BAD FOR RAND. As in Miltie has absconded with all their money to Amsterdam, Andrew Dice Clay is now making Rand repay their debt with his own violent debt enforcement, and a bunch of randos are trying to sell bootleg sextapes outside Tower Records. Rand’s solution is to bring his higher quality VHS tapes to try to sell inside and it does not go well. It goes even worse when he tells his ex about the tape and compares it to porn and she delivers the point of this whole show: Porn is consensual. This sex tape was stolen and is a sex crime against Pam and Tommy. Rand doesn’t get it. MEN!
Jay Leno doesn’t get it either, obviously. We come back full circle to the most awful and awkward interview in the world, where Jay tries to lightheartedly ask Pam about the tape and she gives him a dose of sad reality. These wigs are all fabulous but let us all remember: JAY LENO IS THE ABSOLUTE WORST.
Well no: actually Tommy Lee is the worst. Always. It’s Pam’s big Barb Wire premiere and she is heaven in pleather while Tommy is a walking punchline as always. THIS OUTFIT. It is sort of sweet that he is so supportive of Pam’s acting career but it is absolutely heartbreaking when Pam sees that she, in fact, is the punchline.
EPISODE 8
Oh Pammy! We made it to the last episode! Pam’s acting career is a trainwreck due to the sextape and Barb Wire being a bomb. APPARENTLY SHE AUDITIONED FOR BOTH LA CONFIDENTIAL AND AUSTIN POWERS?! And although she is finally pregnant (MAZEL!) her attitude is as defeated as her hair. I do love that they show Pam’s un hot curled hair when she is feeling down. UGH PAM.
Also down? MOTLEY CRUE! Still attempting to be a viable band, they make an appearance at Tower Records and I have to say - compared to Sebastian Stan’s real hair, these wigs are pretty lousy. However, it is these bandmembers who explain to Tommy that this sextape actually had no negative effect on him at all - it just showed the world what they always thought of him: he’s a dick with a big dick.
A lifeline is delivered to Pam and Tommy via an internet porn king played by that kid from White Lotus who offers to buy the rights to the tape from them and shut down all bootlegs of it; thus putting an end to this sex crime nightmare. Pam and her sensible updo just want to sign and end this thing. Tommy of course is against it because his main enemy is: rational thought. The couple runs away from the paps to....Las Vegas?! Where Tommy abandons his very pregnant wife to....go to the hotel bar and brag about his big dick. THIS ASSHOLE.
In the end, the reunite and sign over the tape rights. Rand sells the master beta to the White Lotus kid and gives it to the OITNB chick and also never faces any criminal charges for any of this. Pam has a water birth and becomes a mom! And gets her Tommy tattoo replaced with a Mommy one. The show ends with an epilogue explaining how the couple broke up: with Pam having to call the cops on Tommy’s physically abusive ass. WHAT AN ASS. #TEAMPAMFOREVER. The tone of this show was really all over the place but I will say that it rightly showed who the real victims and villains were in all this. And: the wigs were pretty good.
VERDICT: WURQS
#Wigwurq#PamandTommy#PamelaAnderson#PamAnderson#TommyLee#LilyJames#SebastianStan#SethRogan#UncleMiltie#THE90S#PAMFOREVER
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WIG REVIEW: LICORICE PIZZA
You guys! I am really trying to see all the Oscar movies. I even went TO AN ACTUAL MOVIE THEATER AND SAW THIS! The heating was broken and I had to wear a coat and hat the entire time (the cinema is back, baby!) but it was still mainly nice to get out of the house? This movie is not entirely what I expected but it was fine if you like longwinded journeys through 70s SoCal nostalgia, a title that is never fully explained, the ENTIRE BAND HAIM, random cameos, motorcycles, waterbeds, and the gas crisis. But what about the wigs? Let’s discuss.
Most of this movie has no wigs - just grown out real hair. WHICH I REALLY APPRECIATE! If actors can lose or gain weight for a part, they can lose or gain hair!! Anyway, the movie mainly centers around Alana Haim as a 25yo who works for a school picture photographer and Cooper Hoffman (Philip Seymour Hoffman’s son) as a 15yo high school child actor/entrepreneur. From the getgo, this age difference made me very grossed out for their potential romance!! However, most of the movie is just hilarious vignettes about 70s Los Angeles and you can mainly forget how much older she is. MAINLY! Also: I didn’t know the entire band HAIM plays her family! Mazel!
My very favorite part of Booksmart and The Righteous Gemstones pops up as a smarmy child actor and I LOVE THAT HE COMMITTED TO GROWING LONG HAIR FOR THE PART! Yes! Note: I couldn’t find a pic of him IN this movie for some reason but this is how his hair looked in it. He and baby Hoffman do a variety show together that involves recreating a fake version of Yours Mine and Ours and leads to my very favorite wig of the movie.
CHRISTINE EBERSOLE FOREVER!!!! She plays Lucille Doolittle which is a very thinly veiled Lucille Ball. I don’t have the drugs necessary to watch Being The Ricardos yet but I can say with all authority that this Lucy wig > Nicole Kidman’s Lucy wig any day of the week. It perfectly captures peak early 70s variety show teased out NONSENSE. This wig only lasts about 5 (glorious!) minutes but WHERE IS CHRISTINE EBERSOLE’S OSCAR?!?!?!
Meanwhile, Mrs. PT Anderson - Maya Rudolph - herself shows up as a casting agent with THIS mini afro and like everything Maya Rudolph does, it is perfect AS IS HER FACE WHEN baby Hoffman sucks at a kid audition! THIS GIF FOREVER.
AND THEN BRADLEY COOPER SHOWS UP. I am NOT a fan of Bradley Cooper but I think he is perfect when he is cast as an uppity asshole (see also: Wedding Crashers, The Hangover). Here, he plays real-life hairdresser and former boyfriend of Barbra Streisand (and inspiration for the movie Shampoo!), Jon Peters who legit looked exactly like this. I LOVE THIS WIG AND THIS CHARACTER.
This feathered wig of pure 70s assholery is so perfectly coiffed and feathered that I’m surprised John Travolta hasn’t demanded a bakers dozen for his own personal use.
Truly this section of the movie is insane and insanely delightful! There are many, MANY more random cameos but they don’t involve wigs so I’ll have to leave you with this image of pure 70s male destructive machismo. This is a pretty fun movie if you can look past the weird romance age difference and can stomach watching Sean Penn riding a motorcycle.
VERDICT: WURQS
#wigwurq#licoricepizza#alanahaim#cooperhoffman#bradleycooper#CHRISTINEEBERSOLE#FakeLucy#Motorcycles#MayaRudolph#SkylerGisondo
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WIG REVIEW: SPENCER
So I finally got around to watching this trash for free since it’s on Hulu now and I still feel like I spent too much on it because it wasted a good 2 hours of my life!!! If you like super pretentious snoozefests, pearls, FASHION, lesbians, haunted mansions, mean staff, ghosts, scarecrows, pheasants, paparazzi, and actual barfing this movie might just be for you. Otherwise: congratulations - I watched this so you’ll never have to! But how are the wigs? Let’s discuss.
We begin with the image of a dead pheasant in the road which will later come to represent Princess Diana and already the pretentious imagery of this movie is eyeroll inducing. It’s Christmas Eve 1991 and Di is driving to some castle WITH THE TOP DOWN AND NO WINTER COAT! If this doesn’t already tip you off that Diana might have some mental health issues....BUCKLE UP.
I don’t like Kristen Stewart but honestly she is the least offensive part of this movie? Her accent is fine. Her wig is ghastly. From the get-go, my mother WAS VERY UPSET about this wig because it’s not as full or thick as Di’s actual hair and that is a legit complaint. Anyway, Di is lost both emotionally and literally and ends up in some truck stop to ask directions to the castle but no one helps her because she’s famous. POOR DI!
She realizes that she’s actually kinda near where she grew up and despite having no clue where she is, can spot a coat on a scarecrow from an entire field away and identify it as her father’s old sport jacket. SHE THEN PROCEEDS TO GO GET THE COAT OFF THE SCARECROW AND TAKE IT TO THE CASTLE. This movie seems to want to portray Di as legitimately deranged and this bent ass wig isn’t helping.
Anyway, hours or possibly days (?) later, she finally drives herself and her scarecrow coat to the castle where she is greeted by rude butler (???) Timothy Spall who has completely deflated, I assume because this movie is actually life draining. In any case, he makes her weigh herself before going to her drafty room which apparently is an actual royal Christmas practice of the damned. Also apparently Timothy Spall’s character isn’t a real person and basically none of this movie is based on actual facts beyond this royal scales shit.
NO ONE TOLD ME SALLY FUCKING HAWKINS IS IN THIS MOVIE! I love Sally Hawkins. I love that she seems to be the only person involved in this movie who realizes it is trash. I love that she is basically playing Edith Head (????) and is Di’s only friend/kind staff member who is tasked with all of Di’s FASHION and also tailoring her outfits to accommodate Di’s shrinking body due to bulimia. THERE IS SO MUCH BARFING IN THIS MOVIE YOU GUYS AND NOT JUST BY ME WATCHING IT.
Things at dinner are not great! NO ONE LIKES DIANA! Also apparently Charles gave Camilla THE SAME DAMN PEARLS (I googled this and that is absolutely not a fact!) Still, the pearls are another stupid metaphor for suffocation and self harm AS IS THE JOHNNY GREENWOOD SCORE which my mom almost wrote an angry letter about because it is so distracting and stifling.
Also distracting and stifling? The movie itself. ALL OF IT. But also this goddamned wig which is just never feathered or full enough and neither is Di because the pearls break into the soup and she eats them and yes this is a dream and yes she barfs out the pearls and OMG WHAT THE HELL IS THIS MOVIE I HATE IT.
Sometime later, Di confronts Charles about the pearls and their marriage or whatever and it’s all incredibly tedious and boring and no one looks like who they’re supposed to look like.
THIS IS SUPPOSED TO BE PRINCE CHARLES WHAT. THIS WIG! YOU GUYS!!!! NO! You may recall this dude from another movie my mom is mad at me for making her watch - The Lost Daughter - and his name is Jack Farthing which is basically the most British name ever. He is incredibly boring, also.
Blahblahblah, shit gets even weirder when this wig magically gets shorter and also a completely different haircut and Di confronts the Queen about I dunno...SOMETHING....and I think it was around this point where my mom just decided that she hates Princess Di now because this movie makes her look like a completely insane and selfish asshole (IT IS SEEMINGLY NOT BASED ON ANY FACTS THOUGH?!?!)
AT SOME POINT DI WEARS THIS OUTFIT! I’m sure this is somehow based in something she actually once wore but really: it is so upsetting that it might have given my hives. The mood of this movie is OPRESSION and it delivers that through awful wigs, awful music, awful pearls, awful casting, and AWFUL FASHION.
THIS WIG IS TRYING TO KILL ME!!!! It is constantly shifting in length, texture, and fullness. Also it appears that Timothy Spall is trying to kill (?) or at least gaslight Di by putting a biography of Anne Boleyn in her bedroom which leads to...
THE ACTUAL GHOST OF ANNE BOLEYN. WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS MOVIE. I don’t have a still of it, but at one point, Kristen Stewart is also dressed as Anne Boleyn. Whoever greenlit this idea should reconsider their life choices because it certainly made me reconsider mine in watching this movie at all.
Anyway, after leaving the castle in a full ballgown, Di USES WIRECUTTERS TO BREAK INTO HER OLD HOUSE WHICH IS NOW A HAUNTED MANSION AND ALMOST THROWS HERSELF DOWN THE STAIRS! In case you are wondering if reality has broken off into some other timeline, I did you the favor of googling this and no - Di’s house was never a haunted mansion; the Queen donated it to a charity. LIES!
AND! THEN! In the middle of the night, Di wakes William and Harry (WHO ARE CHILDREN!) up to make them have a candlelit seance where they get to open their Christmas presents which absolutely felt like child abuse and also a scene out of THE OTHERS and I was truly sad for these kids. LET THEM SLEEP!
AND. THEN. SALLY HAWKINS RESURFACES AS A LESBIAN IN LOVE WITH DI. This has no basis in reality and also there is no need for it in this movie AT ALL other than to have this wistful scene in the dunes where this wig has never looked more awful and I cannot believe I’m still watching this movie.
Whatever motivation Sally Hawkins’ love might have given Di, she decides to interrupt a pheasant hunt whilst identifying herself AS A PHEASANT so that she can leave with her sons (again: this feels very troubling for those kids!) and then puts her outrageous yellow patriot outfit ON THE SCARECROW FROM THE BEGINNING OF THE MOVIE. THE METAPHORS IN THIS MOVIE ARE SO DUMBFOUNDING THAT I HAVE ABSOLUTELY LOST MY MIND.
But the hits keep coming! In the form of Mike and The Mechanics song “All I Need is a Miracle”, specifically. Di puts the cassette in her convertible (WITH THE TOP DOWN AGAIN IN THE WINTER - I FEAR FOR THESE CHILDREN) while they all bop along to a song that I completely forgot existed and will never get out of my brain now. AND THEN THEY DRIVE TO A LONDON KFC AND DI GIVES HER NAME TO THE CHECKOUT AS “SPENCUHHHHHHHH” AND THIS MOVIE ABSOLUTELY NEEDS TO BE ABANDONED ON A SCARECROW. NO. RUN DO NOT WALK AWAY FROM THIS MOVIE.
VERDICT: DOESN’T WURQ
#wigwurq#spencer#princessdiana#princessdi#SALLYHAWKINS#kristensteweart#oscarbait#SCARECROWS#pearls#ANNEBOLEYN#BARF
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WIG REVIEW: DON’T LOOK UP
I think I speak for all of us when I say: WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS MOVIE?! Adam McKay has stopped making silly Will Ferrell movies and started making “Oscary” dramadies for a while now and all of them are overdirected messes. This is definitely the messiest! If you like apocalyptic space jams, troubling love interests, vaguely indicting climate change and qanon conspiracies, Jonah Hill quips, random cameos, upsetting nudity and absolutely abominable wigs, this movie is for you. Let’s discuss!
Ok first off: this movie is about Leo and JLaw discovering a meteor that is headed for the earth and everyone only has 6 months to live but no one takes them seriously because they are...kind of fugly? I like Leo in comedies! He is very funny! He doesn’t wear a wig in this but he’s supposed to be a space professor and everyone thinks he’s handsome even though he fully deglammed hisself in this and sweats a lot. FINE!
JLAW’S WIG IS AN ABSOLUTE CRIME AGAINST NATURE.
When this wig first appeared, my mother exclaimed “IS THIS ON PURPOSE?” and there is no way that on any level the answer can be “YES.” WHO SAID THIS WIG WAS OK?!?!?! I HAVEN’T SEEN A RED WIG WITH BANGS THIS BAD SINCE THE QUEENS GAMBIT!!
This wig has many (MANY!) issues. The texture is garbage. THERE IS NO HAIR PART ON TOP!!! DON’T LOOK UP ON TOP OF THIS WIG!! NO SCALP! This is like a super cheap Halloween wig. AND! THE! BANGS! The bangs are so long they create side mullets?! Apparently the wigmaster worked really hard on this trash but that is fully not evident on screen. I guess this character is generally supposed to be some alternazoid punk who no one takes seriously because of her appearance and therefore no one trusts her about her meteor theories. At one point, Jonah Hill calls her The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo and I suppose that was the goal but in redhead form? REGARDLESS THIS WIG IS A GHOSTMARE.
Anyway! JLaw and Leo find help in their quest to spread knowledge about this earth shattering meteor with Rob Morgan who is CURSED WITH THIS WIG. I have no idea why they decided this character needed a wig at all, let alone this very obvious and downright dusty one but NOPE.
ALSO: Cate Blanchett is in this and I realize she is supposed to be a gross morning show bot and I honestly don’t know what is more upsetting: her fake teeth or her wig (TRICK QUESTION: IT’S HER LOVE INTEREST IN THE FORM OF LEO! HE’S MOVIE MARRIED TO MELANIE LYNSKY! RUDE!) Apparently she wore her own fake teeth and recycled wig from Bombshell because of Covid restrictions and I have to say: I appreciate recycling on any level so will give this a passing grade solely based on that (and the fact that this wig and character are Bombshell adjacent anyway!)
Speaking of Republican nightmares, Meryl Streep ALSO used her own wig person and specifically wanted the kind of droopy ringlety hair that most alt-right women sport these days. Dame Meryl Streep can do no wrong and this is for sure the best wig in the entire movie but DUH.
Also this character is essentially a female Trump (with her son, Jonah Hill being a male Ivanka) and that kinda sorta worked (as did like 20% of this movie?) but regardless: this very specific wig WURQED.
My other favorite part of this movie was Mark Rylance who is always fabulous and plays a sort of Elon Musk/Jeff Bezos style dude with a very strange and grating voice. This wig is ridiculous but so is the character and CYNTHIA NIXON WISHES HER WIG WAS THIS GOOD!
Like most man wigs, the main issue was the back of the neck taper which is NOT GOOD but this character still made me (and Meryl) smile.
Things devolve quickly and all the topical humor becomes a kind of kitchen sink mess with a few vague laughs here and there, mainly from Rylance.
Also everything kind of becomes an indictment of Trump/qanon/anti-vaxxers? Which like: ok fine but IT’S A LOT.
AND THEN TIMOTHEEEEE CHAMALET SHOWS UP IN THIS MULLETT! THE AUDACITY! WHO INVITED THIS CHARACTER OR WIG?! No one needs another bent ass wig or pseudo punker character in this movie. CHAMALET AWAY.
I wish the entire third half of this movie could Chamalet away? I won’t spoil it for you if you care, but THE END OF THIS MOVIE IS HORRIFYING AND DAME MERYL STREEP SHOULD NOT HAVE HAD TO GO THERE!! HARRUMPH AND FOR SHAME!
VERDICT: DOESN’T WURQ
#wigwurq#don'tlookup#JenniferLawrence#JLaw#LeonardoDiCaprio#MerylStreep#JonahHill#MarkRylance#TimotheeChamalet#NOT SINCEQUEENSGAMBIT#AltRightWig#CHAMALETAWAY
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WIG REVIEW: THE HAPPIEST SEASON
You guys! I finally watched the lesbian holiday movie!! Though when I texted my mom to tell her I was finally watching this, she thought I was talking about The Prom and I laughed for a real long time about it (mainly because it will take me an even longer time to get around to hate watching that!) It already took about a month to get to this one. There is a lot to discuss here - and also one wig!
So this is the first (big budget) holiday lesbian movie, which I am very here for. However, most of the movie feels like a combination between My Best Friend’s Wedding, Meet the Parents, and The Family Stone but with lesbians. Those movies were made between 1997 and 2005 and this movie feels like it should exist somewhere in that time as well. The whole plot of the movie is basically that Kristen Stewart (Abby) has to pretend NOT to be Mackenzie Davis’s (Harper’s) long-term girlfriend for the sake of Harper’s conservative family with local political aspirations while also spending 5 days with them during Christmas. It’s a conceit that exists solely in these brand of garbage holiday rom coms but definitely one that feels bizarrely antiquated as well.
Anyway! There is only one wig in this movie which belongs to Davis, who had a vastly superior lesbian wig in that one episode of Black Mirror that made us all cry. We first see this under this hat where it should have hidden for the rest of the film!
Sadly, the next scene involves the full emergence of this wig and truly: NO. This thing is dried out, bent, and disheveled in not a cool way (Stewart’s actual hair is disheveled in a cool way, though). The entire presence of this wig bothers me because: just have her have whatever hair she has? This is not a historical recreation (that I’m aware of?) and she is not playing a real person! This feels like when SNL cast members wear wigs in sketches for similarly non-existent reasons. However, SNL wigs are vastly superior to this mess!
So anyway, Harper invites Abby to have Christmas at her parents’ house in the heat of the moment during a very romantic (?) Pittsburgh Christmas lights tour which is apparently something that exists. Abby conveniently, and completely for the sake of this plot to work (?) does not like Christmas and also is an orphan, getting rid of any possible Christmas plan conflicts. And then literally on the way to visiting Harper’s family, she is all: by the way, they don’t know you’re my girlfriend or that I’m a lesbian and you have to go along with it for sake of this movie to exist even though this is absolutely a terrible thing to ask of anyone, periodt. But we are beginning to find out that Harper’s character is as full of garbage as her wig.
So we meet the parents, who are Victor Garber, Mary Steenbergen, and also Mary Steenbergen’s iPad which vulture correctly identifies as the star of this movie AND IT IS. Especially during the end credits where we get to see all the pics the iPad takes! But I’m getting ahead of myself. The parents live in one of those cavernous houses that is definitely a mansion but tries to feel homey even though it probably has about 12 bedrooms and usually only exists in a Nancy Meyers movie. Despite its amount of bedrooms, Abby has to sleep in a basement bunker which also doubles as a well organized rubbermaid storage unit. For the rest of the movie, Abby is treated like a subhuman trash person much in the way Ben Stiller is treated in Meet the Parents and Sarah Jessica Parker is treated in The Family Stone, except they don’t also have to pretend to not be in a relationship with the family member they arrived with. This conceit becomes so degrading that you honestly wonder why these people are still together!
Abby endures scene after scene of total nonsense and still looks better than the wig on her terrible girlfriend. Which starts actually looking better in a few of these scenes but still is very much a terrible and noticeable wig which is on par with Rachel McAdams’ wig in Mean Girls in that we are constantly told that these women are gorgeous and every single time I ask “YOU MEAN WITH THAT TERRIBLE WIG ON THEIR HEADS????” I suppose this wig was “necessary” because Harper’s two sisters also have long-ish brown hair so they were going for some sort of familial consistency except one daughter has a terrible wig and the other two have hair. Also one sister is Alison Brie, who plays a harpy so awful that she starts to make Harper look palatable and one sister is Mary Holland, who also cowrote the script, and definitely wrote herself the only character who I’d like to meet in real life.
Along the way, we also meet Aubrey Plaza, who I usually hate because she is just one-note sullen, but here is actually great as Harper’s high school ex-girlfriend who Harper outted and allowed to be bullied and wow Harper - you have been terrible for decades!! Also compared to Harper, Aubrey has beautiful (real) hair, doesn’t lie to her entire family, and has actual chemistry with Abby. I very much wanted Abby to end up with Aubrey and I am not alone! Harper somehow avoids Abby for most of the time they are both staying in the same (albeit huge) house and there is even a dumb subplot about Abby being framed for shoplifting while trying to buy a gift for the parents’ very important white elephant gift exchange during their very important Christmas Eve party and I wonder if any of these people really knows what a white elephant gift is or how to exist in society? Meanwhile, as Harper reverts to being more falsely heteronormative at her parents house, I started to wonder if her wig was trying to serve a larger purpose in showing how fake this character is but: no it’s just a bad wig. Also this movie really does the impossible: it makes me care about and feel bad for Kristen Stewart!
Although I did find it highly questionable that though they are the stars of a romantic comedy, neither Kristen Stewart or Mackenzie Davis is funny AT ALL. Like not even a little! Which makes the “comedic” plight of Stewart all the more upsetting! All comedy is left to the one good daughter (Mary Holland) and also all gay men in the movie. This is mainly Abby’s bff and national (Canadian) treasure, Dan Levy and also Drag Race faves Jinxx Monsoon and Ben De-La-Creme in this one gay bar scene which is honestly truly inconceivable and except for further cementing the fact that Abby and Aubrey really should get together.
In the end, Alison Brie finds out Harper’s TERRIBLE SECRET THAT NO ONE IN 2020 COULD POSSIBLY FATHOM (that she’s a lesbian) and they have a fight in the middle of the white elephant party which reveals that all the family has been competing for years for each other’s love which is really really messed up and now I kind of hate everyone in this family. And also Harper is outed to her entire terrible family and also Ana Gasteyer (and also a room full of other randos). And she denies her lesbian truth! I recently watched Uncle Frank which is essentially everything Hillbilly Elegy wanted to be but is Shakespeare compared to that mess, and a similar scene occurs but that character bravely faces the truth - and in 1970s SOUTH CAROLINA!! I don’t know what time or space this movie thinks it exists in but it is baffling. Still, Dan Levy gives an emotional monologue about how no one can decide when anyone else is ready to come out of the closet so: FAIR. And then Harper does come out and the entire family kind gives absolutely no reaction to this until Victor Garber says it’s ok?? ABSOLUTELY AND TRULY BIZARRELY PATRIARCHAL. And then Harper and Abby get back together in the parking lot of a Love’s convenience store which is as cheesy and clunky as any garbage holiday rom com so I guess this is definitely a new holiday “classic” which I’ll probably watch 100 more times and hate Harper and her terrible wig each time about as much as I hate Laura Linney’s terrible life choices in Love, Actually. AS CONFOUNDING AS HARPER’S WIG OR THE CHOICE TO GIVE HER ONE AT ALL!
VERDICT: DOESN’T WURQ
#wigwurq#happiestseason#holidaylesbians#kristenstewart#mackenziedavis#danlevy#marysteenbergen#victorgarber#whywigtho#nope
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WIG REVIEW: PROMISING YOUNG WOMAN
Ok you guys. It’s officially kinda sorta Oscar time and I am streaming everything in order to prepare for my favorite season - AWARDS! I really loved Promising Young Woman but what about the (very few) wigs? Let’s discuss.
The film follows Carey Mulligan - armed with a plethora of hair extensions - as she seeks revenge on all of the terrible bros of the world who perpetuate rape culture. As with the nurse wig above, we know these extensions to be fake but they are all still fabulous.
Even when she isn’t trolling men at bars, Mulligan’s short bob was made longer by these hair extensions and honestly - they look great.
Still, wearing extensions or not - never trust a bro in a fedora. Honestly, writer/director Emerald Fennell’s takedown of these idiots is so specific and perfect - as is her consideration of using hair extensions at all to show exactly the kind of girl that Mulligan would have to present in order to attract these assholes. Side note: the only decent man in this entire movie is Alfred Molina and it was everything.
There are only two wigs elsewhere in this movie...one on Mulligan’s boss, Laverne Cox. Certainly, Laverne Cox has looked better and worn far more fabulous wigs but for this understated role, this simple perm is just fine.
AND THEN THERE’S JENNIFER COOLIDGE. Coolidge is the original MILF, the taker of the damn dog (you dumbass!), and the perpetual blonde trophy wife deglams it ALL with this dowdy brown bob AND I’M HERE FOR IT!!!!! Every movie should be so lucky as to have Jennifer Coolidge in it, and she is honestly completely heartbreaking as Mulligan’s mom. And this deglam wig totally works!! Who knew we needed a brunette Jennifer Coolidge in our lives to ground everything in our lives!!! Halleluj!
VERDICT: WURQS
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WIG REVIEW: WONDER WOMAN 1984
You guys! Now that the holidaze are over, I finally got around to watching the #1 most hated movie of the holiday season: Wonder Woman 1984! People have so many opinions about this movie AND NOW I DO TOO! I even have some thoughts on the wigs! Let’s discuss.
We begin in Themyscira, land of Amazons, fishtail braidology, Robin Wright, NO EFFING MEN, and also this weird Amazon gladiator gauntlet that is mainly brought to you by lots of computers. Baby Gal Gadot (nee Wonder Woman) is allowed to compete in this CGI decathalon despite being 1/3 the size and age of the other competitors and almost wins the damn thing but Auntie Robin Wright disqualifies her for trying to cheat to win. About 4 hours later, toward the end of this movie, Wonder Woman also tries to “cheat” at something so this is kinda sorta foreshadowing if you believe that the writers of this screenplay even had that forethought!
Moving ahead to 1984, this movie just gets SO 1984. Or really “1984″ in the Stranger Things sense, in that they even used the damn mall that that show takes place in and some dumb criminals steal some jewelry and Wonder Woman saves the day and also comically saves some kids who could have been hurt. I am still bitterly injured by Gal Gadot’s wig, which is not so bent and tangled as the first Wonder Woman movie. Still, the general texture and quality leave something to be desired AS DOES THIS WHOLE MOVIE BUT I AM GETTING AHEAD OF MYSELF!! Anyway, other than foiling crimes at malls, Gal Gadot mainly lives a sad single life in DC where she pines away for Chris Pine in her fabulous apartment, surrounded by an astonishing amount of photographs of her late boyfriend, given the fact that the pictures she has of him are from the 1910s when not everyone had a damn photo printer. Absent of course, is the photograph of her and her ragtag WWI buddies which is delivered to her at the end of the first Wonder Woman movie in the present day and therefore hasn’t happened yet and here begins and ends all logic in this movie.
Anyway! Gal Gadot works with Kristen Wiig, who does her fabulously awkward Kirsten Wiig thing as a nerdy scientist who is largely overlooked by all of society and who wears upsetting culottes and oversized sweatshirts and drinks Bartles and Jaymes (THIS MOVIE MISSES NO OPPORTUNITIES TO #80s). Her wig, as all wigs worn by Kristen Wiig in movies, is a horrible mess of bad texture and general bentness. Also, together she and Gal Gadot are sifting through the jewelry stolen by those thieves at the mall and there is one particular giant crystal or whatever that seems to possess magical properties. Yes, like the Infinity Stones that came (and then kept coming!) AND YES I REALIZE THAT THAT IS MCU AND THIS IS DC BUT IT DOESN’T MATTER: EVERY GODDAMNED SUPERHERO MOVIE IS SOMEHOW ABOUT HAUNTED JEWELRY.
Enter Pedro Pascal in the most outrageous 80s wig in honestly the most outrageous 80s role. He essentially plays Donald Trump - a start-up conning people out of money who is also a terrible dad and has terrible hair. I really wondered for much of this movie if this wig was supposed to be a wig, because it looks as fake and wig-like as Trump’s hair, but no - I think this is supposed to be real hair! Truly truly truly outrageous. Anyway, dude basically doesn’t want to work hard to get rich (again, much like Trump!) and instead wants to just wish his way into success via this dream crystal that Gal Gadot and Kristen Wiig have.
OH AND THEY ALREADY WISHED ON THE CRYSTAL! Kristen Wiig wishes to be like Gal Gadot (not realizing that she’s actually wishing to be Wonder Woman) and gets the most outrageous makeover into this bleached blonde nightmare. AND EVERYONE IS JUST LIKE WOW YOU’RE NOT WEARING CULOTTES ANYMORE I GUESS THIS IS NORMAL FOR YOU TO SUDDENLY LOOK THIS WAY AND FOR YOUR HAIR TO INEXPLICABLY BE INCHES LONGER IN THE COURSE OF AN AFTERNOON. Also! Although this bleached blonde wig is maybe an upgrade from her mousy wig from before, that really means nothing as both wigs are garbage.
Gal Gadot’s wish, of course, was for her ain’ true love, Chris Pine, to come back. AND THEN HE DOES! SORTA! Despite being definitely exploded in a plane in 1918 (in the first movie - spoiler?), he just kinda walks into this fancy party like “hey what’s up?” OH EXCEPT FOR ONE SMALL THING.
HE LOOKS LIKE THIS DUDE TO EVERYONE ELSE EXCEPT GAL GADOT. Ok? I guess because Chris Pine’s actual physical body was destroyed in 1918, he has to inhabit the body of this random man credited only as ‘Handsome Man’ in 1984 which really begs the question - what then happens to this handsome dude while Chris Pine shapeshifts into him and does anyone care? ALSO! Plot-wise, this is just the tip of the iceberg in crystal wishes - basically everyone on earth gets a wish before film’s end and all are fulfilled no matter how ludicrous - and yet no other wish seem to have these sort of strings attached EXCEPT FOR WONDER WOMAN! WHY DOES ONLY WONDER WOMAN GET THE PET SEMATARY OF WISHES?!?!?!
Anyway! Lucky for us all, ‘Handsome Man’ has the most 80s closet ever! As we all know, movies set in the 80s are contractually obligated to provide us with a very 80s fashion montage and this one is ALL ABOUT CHRIS PINE. Somehow, ‘Handsome Man’ owns like 10 different fanny packs?!?! Every single 80s menswear disaster is covered here at least three times you guys.
About 3 hours later, he settles on this outfit! Mazel! I’d like to pause this review to now give my definitive breakdown of CHRIS rankings (limited only to the 4 young-ish, blonde-ish Chris actors who appear in superhero movies) so that I might now abbreviate Chris Pine to #2 Chris WHICH HE IS. Ahem:
- BEST CHRIS is obviously CHRIS EVANS. This is because he gets into Twitter wars with racists, he offered his arm of support to Regina King when she stumbled getting her Oscar, and he wears the shit out of a sweater. There are many other reasons also but no other Chris can compare - HE IS BEST CHRIS.
- WORST CHRIS is obviously CHRIS PRATT. This is because he is super Jesusy evangelical and also anti-LGBTQ and married a Schwarzenegger (tho Arnold wishes he was Evans too!). There are many other reasons why but those are the most important reasons. WORST CHRIS.
- #2 CHRIS is a constant battle between CHRIS HEMSWORTH AND CHRIS PINE. Hemsworth is very funny in the lady Ghostbusters, was once on Dancing With The Stars in Australia, and can really commit to a fatsuit. Pine is great at singing on a Wet Hot American Summer roof OR a river, loves caftans, and is loved by the one and only Wonder Woman. It’s an infinity tie between these two and therefore #2 Chris is in the eye of the beholder during whatever you are beholding, and currently we’re beholding Pine. #2 CHRIS!
Yes, this lengthy roundup was definitely worth it so that I can abbreviate Chris Pine to #2 Chris now. Moving on!
So Gal Gadot and #2 Chris walk through a very 80s DC while #2 Chris’s mind gets blown by all the stuff that is different in the 70s years he’s been dead. No 80s movie would be complete without of course covering PUNKS!!! This is where this movie definitely lost my husband because one of these punks is wearing a Cro-Mags shirt from an album THAT CAME OUT IN 1986. This offends me, also, not because I care about that band but because this is lazy costuming! Apparently, my husband was not the only one to notice this and become deeply offended - and Cro-Mags cofounder even chimed in to say that this is all ok because they released a demo for the ‘86 album in 1984 (AND WE ALL KNOW EVERYONE DEFINITELY MAKES SHIRTS BASED ON DEMO ALBUMS?) I still find this lazy and stupid costuming and remain annoyed! ANYWAY!
Back to the “plot”...Kristen Wiig and Pedro Pascal’s confederacy of bad wigs kinda sorta hook up at this dumb party so that Pedro Pascal can steal that very important wishing crystal! AND THEN HE WISHES ON THE CRYSTAL THAT HE CAN BE THE CRYSTAL. Haunted jewelry plots have never been so dumb as this you guys! AND ALL OF THE INFINITY STONES MOVIES WERE INFINITELY STUPID SO THIS IS REALLY SAYING SOMETHING.
So basically, after 70 years apart, Gal Gadot and #2 Chris have no more time to waste on fanny pack fashion shows or questionable metro punks and have to follow Pedro Pascal to Egypt, where he has gone to demand some oil from Egypt now that he is the physical manifestation of a wishing crystal. In order to get to Egypt themselves, Gal and #2 Chris steal a plane from the Smithsonian (which apparently just has some jets laying around some random tarmac) and then Gal WISHES THE JET INTO BEING INVISIBLE! This is obviously to fuel Wonder Woman invisible jet nostalgia and also to waste about 45 minutes on shots of them invisibly flying through fireworks. BECAUSE IT’S THE 4TH OF JULY WAIT HOW DID THEY VISIT ANY MUSEUMS OR DO ANYTHING ON A NATIONAL HOLIDAY EARLIER THAT DAY OH RIGHT THERE IS NO LOGIC IN THIS MOVIE. Over in Egypt, the wishing crystal Pedro Pascal hisself somehow creates a water shortage and refugee crisis in Egypt and Gal has to Wonder Woman some kids to safety, but mainly she wears this amazing jumpsuit and is able to find a working payphone to call Kristen Wiig and ask if she has any intel on that damn wishing crystal.
Kristen Wiig is somehow EVEN MORE BLONDE AND WEARING THIS DAMN COAT. I mean...you guys. WHAT. Like any good 80s thriller, Kristen Wiig researched the wishing crystal on microfiche which leads her to a random record store where she meets up with Gal and #2 Chris who I guess flew the invisijet back to DC from Egypt in a few minutes or something. Anyway, rando dude at the record store takes out some musty old book that has all the wishing crystal information everyone needed and basically warns that it can destroy society AND ALSO it can take things away from the wisher like a damn monkey’s paw. SPEAKING OF MONKEYS THAT COAT THE END.
But Kristen Wiig’s makeover is far from over! She finally appears as Cheetah herself at the damn White House, where the wishing crystal Pedro Pascal is asking a fake Ronald Reagan (?) if he can please satellite everyone on the earth so he can grow stronger as a crystal person OR SOMETHING? Anyway, Kristen’s lewk is very “punk” but not in a Cro-Mag way, but more in a Meryl Streep in Ricki and the Flash way? It’s a battle of not great wigs, at any rate. Kristen doesn’t want anyone harming her wishing crystal Pedro since that’s what made her Cheetah so there is this huge dumb fight where Pedro and Kristen just kinda glide away (not unlike actual Trump and his idiots last week and omg did this movie foretell that) and then Gal realizes that she has to denounce her wish because the monkey paw’s clause of it all is making her not powerful enough to fight anymore. So #2 Chris is like: I should just be dead anyway and my whole existence is very Pet Sematary and everyone kind of cries in an alley and #2 Chris dies again (?) Also! I think this is supposed to have been foretold by that earlier scene with baby Gal Gadot trying to cheat at that decathalon or whatever because you can’t cheat....death??? Regardless, Gal jumps into the sky and somehow is ABLE TO FLY BASED ON AERODYNAMIC FACTS #2 CHRIS GAVE HER WHILE FLYING AN INVISIJET? SURE!
Over in another plane, Pedro and Kristen are on their way to some satellite island to broadcast to the world about crystal wishes and dude is not looking so great because wishing that you are a crystal is a terrible idea. This is the point at which I realized that this wig was supposed to be real hair because it looks so sweaty and shitty but has consistently looked like a shitty wig through this entire “plot.” Anyway! He asks Kristen Wiig if she wants another wish which....huh? Somehow Gal Gadot’s wish ended up a Pet Sematary nightmare of possessed handsome man bodies that she had to renounce but Kristen Wiig gets two wishes? SURE! AND KRISTEN WIIG WISHES THAT SHE BECOME THE “ULTIMATE PREDATOR” WHAT ON EARTH IS THIS MOVIE Y’ALL.
APPARENTLY THIS IS WHAT AN ULTIMATE PREDATOR LOOKS LIKE?!?!?! YOU GUYS. In order to literally become a Cheetah, they gave Kristen Wiig a CGI body and....kabuki makeup? This lewk absolutely looks like a mashup between two dueling community theater productions of Cats and Pacific Overtures and I can’t stop laughing.
Meanwhile, Gal finally gets to rock this lewk which was earlier described as the battle armor of the goddess, Asteria, who was the one chick NOT invited to Themyscira for Amazonian fishtail braidology times, and had to stay behind to FIGHT EVERY MAN ON EARTH but did get this sweet armor out of it?!?! Regardless, despite withstanding all men ever, Cheetah somehow effs up this armor in a matter of seconds, but Gal is still able to defeat her through underwater electrocution (which somehow avoids Gal herself even though SHE’S WEARING AN ENTIRE SUIT OF METAL).
Anyway, in the end, the entire world is on the brink of collapse and eveyone is looking at old dumb 80s tv screens because of all the dumb wishes everyone made and I guess I appreciate the fact that this entire movie is about dumb 80s wish fulfillment but also there are so many plotholes that I can’t even, you guys. Gal somehow lassoes Pedro Pascal into remembering his shitty dad and realizes that he is now a shitty dad and everyone somehow renounces their wishes and Pedor Pascal just kind of WALKS OFF AN ISLAND INTO THE DEBRIS OF DC AND FINDS HIS CHILD BY THE SIDE OF THE ROAD?!?!?!?! It’s really annoying that this movie somehow rewards this shitty dad but also doesn’t let a woman (specifically WONDER WOMAN) have both a love life and her own damn job and I’m not alone in being annoyed by that. ANYWAY, days or weeks after the entire world almost ended, there is somehow a cute Christmas carnival that was definitely a stolen set from Dolly Parton’s Christmas in the Square where Gal Gadot is reunited with ‘Handsome Man’ who has no knowledge of previously being possessed by #2 Chris and is still rocking ALL THIS 80s FASHION and then a star shaped balloon is released into the sky and I wonder if this entire movie has been a Macy’s ad.
BUT WAIT THERE’S MORE! In a mid-credits scene which is also maybe the only watchable part of this movie, the goddess Asteria (and OG owner of that gold body armor) is revealed to be alive and well and played by OG Wonder Woman, LYNDA EFFING CARTER!! She is definitely an actual goddess who never ages and whose hair is way better than any wigs on display at any point in this movie and is also the only part of the movie you should watch. THE END.
VERDICT: DOESN’T WURQ
#wonderwoman84#ww84#wigwurq#galgadot#chrispine#2chris#chrisrankings#kirstenwiig#cheetah#punks#THE80S#contractualfashionmontages#pedropascal#hauntedjewelry#lyndacarter
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WIG REVIEW: THE CROWN SEASON 4
You guys. It has come to my attention that I never got around to doing a wig review of The Crown. Nor, apparently, have I ever done a wig review of any season of The Crown!! Apologies all around. I guess this is probably because unlike most prestige TV, this show was given an actual wig budget which has resulted in actually good wigs (and that’s no fun to review!) Anyway, since I have now moved on to far more trashy British prestige TV viewing (Bridgerton), I will not do a full episode-by-episode review of The Crown but will take it character by character. Ahem:
THE QUEEN (AND PRINCE PHILIP)
Olivia Colman is, well, MY FAVOURITE but honestly, this season is not about her or her wigs, which are absolutely lovely wigs fit for a queen. And unlike most male wigs, Philip’s wig is not bad! It does not have the frightful issue most mens’ wigs possess: the fact that they jut out at the tape of the neck. Prince Philip is an absolute asshole and he does not deserve such a good wig, but whatever: he got one! Cheers to both these characters that no one actually cares about this season. Moving on!
MARGARET THATCHER AKA THAT BLOODY WOMAN
My father is from Northern England and my family still very much call Margaret Thatcher “THAT BLOODY WOMAN” and it is the only thing anyone should ever call her. My one issue with her portrayal in this show is that they try to make her seem like a human being with real, vulnerable emotions and not the evil gargoyle that she actually was. As an OG X-Files fan, I love Gillian Anderson and support the fact that she has now become a faux British person in a way that Madonna was never able to achieve and she is absolutely just fine as That Bloody Woman even if her wig is slightly larger than That Bloody Woman’s actual hair.
Still, the quality of this wig is impeccable (as are all these wigs - please give shows actual wig budgets, people!) But I am very disappointed that this season really didn’t show That Bloody Woman to be the monster she was and didn’t even mention the fact that she gutted the English mining industry. For a far more accountable portrayal, please see this number from the musical version of Billy Elliot and please sing this song every damn Christmas. One thing I did learn is that the kitchen at 10 Downing St is tiny and apparently That Bloody Woman had to do a lot of cooking as PM. Ok?
PRINCESS MARGARET
Obviously, the only Margaret I care about in this show is PRINCESS MARGARET who has always been the goddamned coolest (and most heartbreaking) character on this show every season. Although her fashion is still ON POINT this season, her wig is mostly in some bun or french twist but still looks great?
Also I absolutely adore the royal family’s affinity for head scarves. Also look at how many jackets she is wearing! Princess Margaret can do whatever the eff she wants (except find love apparently...) and also I really applaud her for how she reacted to discovering her family covered up secret disabled cousins (!) while she was trying to get her own self care. OY VEY.
CAMILLA PARKER-BOWLES
Camilla has long been the UK’s enemy #1 and apparently this season of this show has created a renaissance of this feeling. However! As played by Emerald Fennell (who also wrote and directed the fabulous Promising Young Woman), Camilla is just a misunderstood gal who was forced into a loveless marriage by the queen mum and Lord Montbatten (RIP). This frizzy, bent as hell ‘do is honestly way better than Camilla has ever looked in her damn life. Amen.
PRINCESS DIANA
There is one true star of the royal family (STILL!) and of this season, and obvs that is Lady Di. We first see her as a teenage weirdo dressed as a tree nymph who later captures Charles’s heart by wearing yellow overalls and this damn sweater to a county fair. SURE!! Her first wig is as unfortunate as this outfit since it has the issue most male wigs has - it just out at the back!
As her hair grows longer, this becomes less of an issue. I will say that they did their best to recreate these iconic royal moments.
I love that as her fame grows, so does her hair! These wigs are honestly impeccable even when Charles is not (TRULY UGH CHARLES).
In the end, Charles and Diana’s marriage is a total effing MESS but these wigs totally can withstand high winds and horrible husbands/in-laws/lovers/80s fashion.
VERDICT: WURQS
#Wigwurq#TheCrown#NetflixTheCrown#TheCrownSeason4#PrincessDiana#PrinceCharles#QueenElizabeth#PrincePhilip#PrincessMargaret#Camilla
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WIG REVIEW: THE QUEEN’S GAMBIT
Yes it’s true - the only things I’ve been watching lately are prestige TV shows starring women with bad red wigs. I’ll get back to movies someday!! In the meantime, I finally watched all of this miniseries that has Netflix and the world aflame with love - and I am aflame too....WITH HATRED OF ALL OF THESE WIGS!!! I have so much to discuss with this show, y’all. A friend of mine (who hasn’t watched this show yet) probably said it best when he told me he thought the wigs in this show were supposed to be wigs WITHIN the narrative of the show (and therefore allowed to be bad): “wait I thought this was about a chess spy - that’s supposed to be her real hair? NO” INDEED!!! Let’s take it episode by episode (SPOILERS ABOUND) and DISCUSS.
Episode 1 - Openings
We begin in Paris, 1967. Beth Harmon, chess champion (?) awakens in a bath of ice (?) in the dark of her hotel room, clearly hung over or maybe still drunk. Her red ‘60s flip wig looks like HELL as does she, so...ok I guess this bad wig wurqs...for now. She sits herself down to play CHESS!! This whole show is about chess, obviously, and everyone is just mad about chess now! I am mad, too, because the show does not make chess seem interesting or sexy and I still hate it.
Anyway, we rewind about 10 (?) years to a young Beth Harmon, who is suddenly orphaned after her mom definitely commits suicide via car accident. Her mom has super short bangs and cries a lot. We see some even further flashbacks to an even younger Beth IN THE MOST OUTRAGEOUS BABY WIG (MORE ON THAT LATER). We learn that her mom is very unhinged, but also probably brilliant, as Beth herself will become later. LET’S HOPE SHE NEVER GETS HER DRIVER’S LICENCE (note: she never does?)
Apparently the mid to late ‘50s were all about very VERY short bangs, and on this non-wigged little girl I guess that is fine.
BUT THEN! She is brought to an orphanage where they burn her old clothes (YES REALLY!) and cut her hair into a bob (the kid’s actual hair so again - ok!) and also give her and all the other girls constant drugs! The 1950s were really wild, amiright? If I have learned anything from movies set at orphanages in the 50s, drug abuse was the main issue (the only movie I’m referring to is obviously The Cider House Rules and the only thing I remember about that movie is that Michael Caine had an ether addiction). Anyway, the sedative drugs make her immediately put her hand on a hot radiator (safety first, orphanage!)
She also makes friends with an older girl named Jolene (I LOVE THE NAME) who teachers her to save the sedative drugs for nighttime when they can help her sleep. Great advice, Jolene! Also: there is absolutely no way that African American Jolene would be in an integrated orphanage in mid-50s KENTUCKY but this is just the beginning of issues I have with this series......
Moving on! In avoiding the orphanage’s weird insistence on Jesusy choir practice, she discovers the basement realm of janitor Bill Camp, who never actually does any janitorial work (that I could see?) but definitely plays a lot of chess. And thus, her chess obsession begins! This is also helped by those sedatives she takes every night which give her really absurd chess hallucinations on the ceiling. This orphanage has it all!
Essentially, this miniseries is Valley of the Dolls if those characters got addicted to both pills and chess at the age of 9. Beth gets very VERY good at chess and some rando chess guy from the local high school comes and gives Beth a doll (BETH HATES THE DOLL BUT LOVES DOLLS DO YOU SEE WHAT I DID THERE). And she goes to the high school and plays a bunch of terrible high school boys at chess simultaneously and beats them all. Also: the orphanage suddenly gets in trouble for giving sedatives to small children for years and Beth is PISSED. She goes through withdrawal and years for the big ol’ jar o’ pills!!!
AND THEN! During a kind of Jesusy film presentation, Beth sneaks away to the orphanage pharmacy and just goes hog wild on the pills! TRULY: Valley of the Dolls has nothing on this sequence.
Obviously, Beth is caught pill-handed and she also spills all the pills, breaks a giant glass jar, and then falls onto both of them. SHE IS 9. I THINK I LOVE THIS SHOW.
Episode 2: Exchanges
So after Beth’s completely insane pill odyssey, she is punished by being forbidden to play chess! Fast forward an indeterminate number of years, and we meet a slightly older Beth (now played by the bewigged Anya Taylor-Joy). AND THIS WIG, Y’ALL. WOOF. Completely dried out and bent, it really makes you appreciate the fact that they just cut the younger Beth’s hair. I realize that Anya is going to go through many 50s and 60s hairstyles to come but I really wish they had just done the same and used her real hair because we are about to take a bad wig odyssey that will last throughout this series. Also! I love that Jolene is played by the same actress! How old is too old to be in an orphanage?
Speaking of age! Beth is apparently now 15 but when a super weird couple expresses interest in adopting her, the orphanage director lady lies and says Beth is 13 and everyone just goes with it....FOR THE REST OF THE SERIES. Seriously, this age difference is never ever visited again or challenged. Beth is basically 15-17 for at least 5 years and no one gives a shit. OK? Anyway, Beth is adopted by Marielle friggin Heller (aka director of Can You Ever Forgive Me? and A Beautiful Day in the Neighborhood) who has a very Mamie Eisenhower wig which is just fine compared to the bent and dry-ass mess on Anya’s head.
It is later revealed that Marielle adopted Beth because her husband is mainly away on business and she needs an older gal pal around to fetch her....sedatives from the magazine store! I wonder if Beth will totally get addicted to them again! I’m no chess player but you can absolutely predict plot devices in this series about two pawns away (is that a chess term? I still don’t know or care!)
So yes: as predicted Beth absolutely gets addicted to sedatives again (also the specific sedatives she gets addicted to are the exact same ones she was addicted to at the orphanage - WHAT A COINCIDENCE! - and also they are made up sedatives for the purposes of this show only in case we all want to get the same magical chess sedatives and see chess on the ceiling too). ALSO! Beth is still mainly addicted to chess despite the fact that she was permitted from playing it for the last 5-7 years (depending on what version of her age you’re going on?) but still is good at it? Most upsetting: she rips apart her lovely bed canopy in order to see her ceiling chess hallucinations! THE NERVE OF THIS KID!
Also nervy: bitch totally stole chess magazines from the pharmacy when she was also stealing sedatives from her adoptive mom! Kleptomania is Beth’s #3 addiction after chess and pills also comes into play when it is revealed that her new adoptive mom is kinda poor since her husband is away all the time and doesn’t give her enough money so Beth can’t enter those chess tournaments she read about in the magazines she stole. SO she writes to janitor Bill Camp and asks for $5 to enter the chess thing and if she wins she’ll send him $10. THIS IS A VERY IMPORTANT PLOT POINT WHICH WILL COME INTO PLAY LATER. So Beth goes to the chess tournament where she meets some not handsome twin dudes and a very handsome other dude named Townes.
Basically all the chess dudes at this tourney suck in the same way? To be fair: if I saw Beth walking up in her ugly orphanage clothes and orphanage cut wig, I would think she sucked at chess too? Oh also - all the girls at her new high school also think her style sucks. I WONDER IF IN COMING EPISODES SHE WILL GAIN MORE STYLE AND CHESS FAME THAN ALL THESE GARBAGE PEOPLE. Spoiler: she does and also beats this dude named Harry and becomes the Kentucky chess champion. Also! Beth’s adoptive dad totally abandons her and Marielle Heller! I still hate chess but will continue to watch this show because of its haunting wigs and lowgrade feminist vibe.
Episode 3: Doubled Pawns
This episode begins with a flashback to Beth’s shitty birth mother and her shitty banged wig and remember that time I said I was going to talk about the wig on the littlest girl who plays her? WELL HERE WE ARE. Baby Beth has the absolute WORST WIG ON THIS SHOW and given how terrible all the wigs are, that is saying a lot. This wig looks like it was ripped off an American Girl doll which had been mistreated for years and thrown of a jungle gym or something. IT IS THE ABSOLUTE WORST (as is her mom, who makes this poor kid believe she had drowned!!!)
ANYWAY. We get a new wig in this episode!!! Beth manages to grow out her orphanage bangs and allow her hair to have a 50s wave bob. Do not be fooled by the higher quality of this cut, however - the quality of the WIG continues to very much suck! WHAT IS THIS HAIR PART! No hair underneath! And everything is still a dried out, bent mess! ALSO HER ROOTS ARE A NIGHTMARE. This is also the episode wherein Marielle Heller basically becomes Mama Rose to Beth and really gets into Beth supporting both of them via chess winnings and becomes her chess manager (ACTUAL JOB TITLE). Also Beth gets nicer clothing. Hilariously, Marielle tells Beth’s high school that Beth is just constantly sick so she can skip school to go to chess tournaments even though Beth is straight up on the cover of Life magazine?! I wonder if this will at all come to the attention of the high school - IT DOESN’T! PLOT HOLES BE DAMNED THIS SHOW IS ABOUT CHESS! She does go to high school long enough for the snobby girls who once made fun of her to invite her to the dumbest party ever where they just sit around and ask Beth dumb questions about Chess fame and then all have a sing-along to a song Beth doesn’t know because she has no idea what pop culture is: ONLY CHESS CULTURE. I watched this show with my mom and asked if ‘60s parties were like this and she laughed her head off and said NO. ALSO! Beth’s kleptomania comes into play at this party where she steals a bottle of gin and leaves without saying goodbye to anyone. WHAT A BITCH.
Speaking of bitches, Beth meets a new chess diva in the form of Love Actually’s resident child drum prodigy! He has a character name but whatever: Love Actually is his name and he has longish shaggy (non wigged) hair and dresses like Crocodile Dundee and is loved and feared in the chess community for being such a non-nerd (?) chess player. I asked my mom if anyone dressed like this in the ‘60s and she said “NO! But I guess I didn’t know everyone” WHICH IS A GREAT ANSWER BECAUSE MY MOM DIDN’T RUN IN WEIRD CHESS CIRCLES IN THE ‘60s. We are lead to believe the ‘60s chess community of weirdos consists of the same 5 rotating dudes who are all at the same chess tournaments always and also possible love interests for Beth and she’s better at chess than all of them.
The only weirdo chess dude that Beth cares about is Townes, who you may recall from the last episode in which he was the only attractive chess dude at that first chess tournament Beth went to with borrowed Bill Camp money. Anyway, she runs into him at some chess tournament (LIKE I REMEMBER WHICH ONE PLEASE) in Las Vegas where he is now a chess reporter (ACTUAL 1960s JOB, Y’ALL). He invites Beth back to his hotel boudoir where he takes some non-boudoir pictures of her playing chess and Beth is all aflutter with chess love but SUCK IT BETH, TOWNES IS GAY!!! I have to say that the only believable part of this show is that the only attractive chess dude would be homosexual. It still does not forgive any of the other plot nonsense.
SO! It’s still the big Vegas chess tournament which is super duper important-chess wise (though this show also makes it seem like every chess game IS THE MOST IMPORTANT so who is to say?) Anyway, Beth and her 50s wave wig (even though it is the 60s?) play Love Actually and....they both win? I didn’t know this was a chess pastability but ok? Beth is pissed that she didn’t beat Love Actually, I hope I never have to see him again (SPOILER HE’S IN MANY MORE EPISODES AND HAD I KNOWN THAT MAYBE I WOULD HAVE STOPPED WATCHING NOW BUT I DIDN’T!)
Episode 4: Middle Game
We are still stuck with this weird ‘50s bob in this episode. IT STILL LOOKS BAD. New developments are: Beth is taking night classes at the local college (even though she is technically still in high school?) in order to learn Russian to better understand people who are more obsessed with chess than she is: Russians. Anyway, he ends up going to the most wild and stereotypical hippie party with a college dude after class and yep - loses her virginity to him. Ok? At least it wasn’t to a chess weirdo? She also stays behind and parties and drinks alone in the hippie apartment because of all her substance addiction and kleptomania. Also! She graduates from high school despite being 2 years too old for high school (a plot point never explained) and missing all that high school for chess tourneys (another plot point never explained!) OH WELL: CHESS!
Beth and Marielle go to Mexico City for some chess tournament (AGAIN I COULDN’T TELL YOU WHICH ONE). Marielle is excited because she is pen pals (OMG THE 60s Y’ALL) with some Mexican weirdo who I definitely feared would steal all the chess winnings but then ultimately just sucks in the same way the adoptive dad did. Beth also runs into those chess twin weirdos because the chess community is comprised of only 5 dudes as I said. Their hair looks bad but not as bad as her wig.
Beth doesn’t see much of Mexico City - nor do we unless you count a truly outrageous sequence in which Beth and Marielle go out on their hotel balcony and look into a green screen rendering of Mexico City that would have felt at home in CGI ghostmare, Bohemian Rhapsody. Anyway, Beth and her olde timey 1950s wig which is spending way too much time in the 60s even though she’s supposed to be stylish now, take a lot of chess baths while Marielle drinks a lot because that Mexican pen pal/boyfriend sucks so bad.
So Beth wins enough chess to play Borgov, who we are led to believe is the Russian white whale/Bond villain of the chess community and LOSES! She is pretty pissed about it but not as pissed as...
....coming back to the hotel room to discover Marielle Heller and her luscious Mamie Eisenhower wig DEAD. TWICE AN ORPHAN, Y’ALL. Mexican coroners tell Beth that her mom died of hepatitis (!!!) and Beth somehow implicates low quality tequila in this hepatitis death. I LEGITIMATELY GOOGLED ‘DOES TEQUILA GIVE YOU HEPATITIS’ IMMEDIATELY. I DON’T THINK IT DOES?!?!?! THIS SHOW IS ABSOLUTELY RIDICULOUS AND YES I WILL CONTINUE WATCHING IT DESPITE THE TERRIBLE WIGS AND MY HATRED OF CHESS.
Episode 5: Fork
Beth returns to Kentucky IN THE RAIN BECAUSE TV AND MOVIE DEATHS ARE ALWAYS ACCOMPANIED BY RAIN. She is about to be super lonely in the house she know owns (according to a super sketchy international phone call with her adoptive father which will definitely not hold up in court) and then...she gets a call from Harry! WHO THE EFF IS HARRY! Again, luckily, there are only 5 chess guys who need to remember and he is one of them (he is the one she beat for the Kentucky chess whatever in episode 2). She invites him over because she’s lonely!
Harry is definitely the saddest of the weirdo chess dudes because apparently he’s been harboring a secret love of Beth (who at the time of their first meeting was like 13-15 depending on what timeline you’re going on and he was...20? OK GROSS BUT OK). BITCH EVEN GOT HIS WEIRD TEETH FIXED SO HE COULD BE LOVED BY BETH AND HER BENT ASS WIG AND SERIOUSLY NO THANK YOU HARRY. Regardless, Beth lets Harry have sex with her a few times and live rent-free in her house and ultimately Harry gets enough self confidence to leave this effed up living situation since he will never be one of Beth’s obsessions (which are still: chess, pills/alcohol, stealing shit).
So Beth goes to Ohio for some other chess tournament and reunites with UGH Love Actually. At this point in the show, Beth starts wearing long scarves as headbands and her wig has never looked better because most of it is covered by the scarf. THANK GOD. So Love Actually totally chess hustles Beth for a lot of coin playing speed chess (DEAR GOD WHY HAVE I BEEN FORCED TO LEARN WHAT SPEED CHESS IS) but in the end, she still beats him for the chess title. EFF YOU, Love Actually! May I never see you again! OH SHIT HE JUST INVITED HER TO NEW YORK TO TRAIN HER FOR THE PARIS CHESS THING DEAR GOD WHY IS THERE SO MUCH LOVE ACTUALLY IN THIS SHOW OK FINE I’LL STILL WATCH IT.
Episode 6 - Adjournment
Ok so Beth and her ok wig that is mainly covered by a scarf go to Love Actually’s apartment in NYC which IS AN UNDERGROUND BUNKER AND SHE HAS TO SLEEP ON A BLOW UP MATTRESS. Again and for the millionth time: Love Actually is the worst! Especially the worst because he introduces her to all these rando bohemians he knows, including some French bitch who will definitely eff everything up when Beth is already teetering on her pill/alcohol obsession and should probably not meet any other enablers. Somehow, he does get her to quit the pills/alcohol long enough to have sex with him (UGH).
And so we are in Paris, 1967. Where we started the show with Beth’s awful 60s flip! AND WE MEET ANOTHER PLOTHOLE. Only a week before this, Beth was in NYC with hair about 3″ shorter and still wearing scarves in her hair. WHAT IN THE VERY HELL, SHOW! I realize that this show has a very vague sense of time or how old Beth is or whatever but truly: NOPE.
Anyway, it’s the night before the big match against Borgov and Beth is on her very best behavior when who should ring her up but that French bitch Love Actually introduced her to! She is downstairs at the hotel bar and just come down and have one drink and don’t ruin your entire chess career, mmmkay? THIS ENABLING BITCH!!!! NEVER TRUST ANYONE WITH THIS CRYING GAME WIG UNLESS YOU WANT YOUR LIFE TO BE A CRYING GAME. Of course, Beth goes downstairs, drinks every drink in the bar, has sex with some rando French dude and...wakes up in the icebath we see at the beginning of the show and sweatily plays Borgov in her wig that has never looked frizzier, loses, and is shamed from the entire chess community. Also Love Actually wants Beth to come back to NYC but NO THANK YOU TO YOU AND YOUR BUNKER OF ENABLERS.
Back in Kentucky, Beth....is shown learning how to flip her hair. WAIT WHAT SHE ALREADY HAD A FLIP HAIRSTYLE THE ENTIRE TIME IN PARIS WHAT KIND OF WIG GASLIGHTING ARE YOU PLAYING, SHOW?!?!?!??!?!?!!
UGH anyway, with THE EXACT SAME FLIP WIG AS WE’VE SEEN HER IN, Beth tries to be a responsible young person of indeterminate age who owns a house in Kentucky and not drink or take pills or steal shit. EXCEPT remember that time her adoptive dad said she could just have the house if she paid the mortgage? WELL BITCH SHOWS UP AND J’ACCUSES HER OF STEALING THE HOUSE FROM HIM. Which is hilarious because of all the things she stolen in this show, the house wasn’t one of them. In any case, she buys the house! And takes herself out to dinner! And has a drink! AND UH OH.
At this point the show just goes completely off the rails in addictive nonsense. Beth just goes around the house in her terrible flip wig applying makeup and barfing in to chess trophies. It’s every stereotypical drug/alcohol scene from every biopic ever except this chick doesn’t really exist and this show is wearing on my nerves and Beth has to stop making so many terrible live decisions and this wig has BETTER GET BETTER.
And then magically - Jolene shows up in the most fabulous afro wig!! WHAT! OK I WILL WATCH THE BITTER CONCLUSION OF THIS SERIES BECAUSE I LOVE JOLENE.
Episode 7: End Game
Jolene...Jolene....Jolene. Jolene. I love Jolene. I don’t love that this show uses her by making her be the “magical negro” trope who helps Beth get her life back together. Predictable nonsense! So yes, Jolene looks around Beth’s ramshackle drug den and tells her to get her life back together. AND THEN BETH DOES. No AA or rehab required! WHAT! I really appreciate that Jolene also compares her to Susan Hayward (star of Valley of the Dolls!) which is the sick burn/comparison I needed.
The other reason Jolene showed up was to bring Beth to janitor Bill Camp’s funeral. At the funeral, which is very poorly attended, Beth reveals THAT SHE NEVER PAID BILL CAMP THAT $5 HE LENT HER (AND $10 SHE PROMISED HIM) AT THE BEGINNING OF HER CHESS CAREER. WHAT A PIECE OF SHIT. It is at this point that I fully decided that I wanted Beth to fail at everything because she is a garbage person who never gave propers to Bill Camp for changing her life for the better. THIS BITCH!! She even goes back to the orphanage where she discovers Bill Camp’s CHESS SHRINE DEVOTED TO HER! SHE FEELS LIKE SHIT AS WELL SHE SHOULD! I FULLY HATE HER!!!!
Jolene is much more forgiving of Beth than me and also introduces Beth to a new obsession: squash! Ok? It does allow Beth to wear a headband which is great wig-wise (in that it hides all the seamwork). Beth also turns down these Jesusy people who want to fund her chess trip to Russia and so Jolene GIVES HER $3,000 TO GO TO RUSSIA. IF THERE IS ANYTHING I’VE LEARNED IN THE LAST 5 MINUTES OF THIS SHOW IT IS THAT BETH WILL NOT PAY THAT MONEY BACK AND JOLENE PLEASE DO NOT!!!!
Jolene does. Beth goes to Russia which is straight out of every Bond movie and gets her shit together and wins a lot of damn chess.
Though her midweight coat game rivals that of Nicole Kidman in The Undoing, her wig game ALSO RIVALS THAT OF NICOLE KIDMAN IN THE UNDOING IN THAT IT IS ALSO A RED NIGHTMARE WIG. This show spent so much goddamned money on clothes, sets, and CGI greenscreens of Mexico City AND YET NO MONEY FOR WIGS. BOO.
I did enjoy this one chess opponent’s walrus hair but otherwise, Beth’s flip wig has absolutely overstayed its welcome and is a compete and utter bent nightmare. Also! Remember that one hot chess dude? He shows up and helps Beth with Chess!! HUH?
Also every single weirdo in the chess community somehow form a chess calming circle in Love Actually’s bunker apartment and call Beth internationally to help her win against Borgov at chess! WHAT IN THE DAMN HELL? It is sweet I guess, but also makes ABSOLUTELY NO FUCKING SENSE AS BETH WAS A TOTAL ASSHOLE TO ALL THESE PEOPLE AND DOES NOT DESERVE TO BE A PART OF THEIR WEIRD CHESS GANG.
Ultimately, Beth beats Borgov and wears THIS FUCKING HAT. I think we’re supposed to believe that she is now the white queen chess piece (I HATE THAT I NOW KNOW CHESS PIECES).
She is actually dressed in head to toe white and somehow convinces her American handler that she will just walk...to the airport? And despite being invited to the Johnson White House (girl go there!) would rather just wander the streets of Russia without any purse or luggage or way of getting home. THIS BITCH. She finds a new chess community of old men who play chess outside at folding tables and decides to join them WITHOUT GOING HOME TO PAY JOLENE ALL HER MONEY BACK WHICH IS ABSOLUTELY WHAT SHE SHOULD BE THINKING ABOUT AND ALSO MAYBE SETTING UP A BILL CAMP CHESS FOUNDATION BECAUSE YOU NEVER PAID HIM BACK YOU PIECE OF SHIT. No, she is no longer addicted to pills, alcohol, or stealing but is absolutely addicted to chess on a level that is probably lethal. I spent the last moments of the show demanding that the Russian chess hobos murder her and her immaculate white outfit because BETH IS A SELFISH ASSHOLE AND ALL HER WIGS ARE GARBAGE LIKE HER!!!!
VERDICT: DOESN’T WURQ
#wigwurq#queensgambit#anyataylorjoy#garbagepeople#valleyofthedolls#babywigs#pillpoppinorphans#Istillhatechess#loveactually#marielleheller#wiggaslighting
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