@cannotfly (JOHANNA)

" Don't touch me." He said darkly, quietly. " Got figure out how to do it without you. Ain't like your gone a be here." It's the most he's said in the last several hours. Now he'd met this Anthony. Like she said he was damn near perfect.

He was, in her own words, terribly good. It was hard to hate someone who only had the best intentions and a limitless pool of patience. Even Riff's most standoffish nature ( he couldn't rightly bark at that man, as much as he wanted to, without upsetting Johanna) he seemed perfectly amiable and oblivious to anything but Johanna. Even Riff could tell that the love Johanna seemed to emanate with joy were mutual.

They had so much of their lives together...Riff never expected that to change. He expected life's struggle to go on. If she was beside him then it wasn't all bad. He wanted to keep kissing her good morning and come home to her at the end of a long day. He wanted to stay under the same rented roof with her. He wanted things to progress in the slow and peaceful manner they had been. Linking fingers to holding hands, sleeping side by side, ... he felt the same joy she showed now whenever they kissed, even if it was only ever her cheek. He couldn't blame her for such a pace. They'd both come from the worst of circumstances. He'd seen girls like her before. At least Johanna was still here to talk about it.

The first time he told her he loved her was late at night, hidden and tucked away together when they shouldn't have been. She could sleep and he was keeping her nightmares away. The second time was when she begged him to never jump again. When she had come down to the ward they'd put him in when he hadn't died. He'd promised her...but what good was a promise if she was breaking her own? It never occurred to him that the feeling wasn't mutual. Forever, as that was what was promised, was a lie. he'd said it again when she first told him how she felt for Anthony.

He had so many questions swirling around in his head. He had so many reasons she should stay. They might not be married the way she wanted with Anthony... but he'd always thought she was his wife. That they had stayed together through it all for that very reason.

"Married on Monday." He said in that same hollow tone. " then a week after that you'll both be in fuckin' France. " he'd get up on his own. He had to. He was losing her. She'd promised that he wouldn't.

She'd been there when he'd jumped. When they took Joe from him. When Saorise left.

Now she was leaving too. He could scream. He could run her through. he could throw a fist in Anthony's face. He could grab a hold of her skirts and beg to fix whatever wrong he had done that she should wish to leave him alone in the world. He'd told her three times before that he'd loved her. Would a fourth make a difference?

It was a difficult process with several tries to make himself stand. He'd rather feel the pain in his back than the pain in his chest at the thought of all of this.

" Someone's got to let the landlord know we...that this place is gone a be vacant in a week." What did it matter? What could it matter? Married on Monday. lost on Monday. What was the point? She'd be gone come Monday.

@heygutlcss's raefer mcclellan sent: [ sleepy kiss ] while receiver is sleeping (or pretending to be asleep), sender approaches them and places a soft kiss on their forehead

she had melted onto the bed upon returning from the factory, the way she sometimes watched the older women mix butter into sugar until it became a creamy pale yellow substance. the day presented itself with a fair share of trials ( she'd gotten yelled at by the foreman --- not that she could admit that to anyone ). the short few-minute breaks johanna gets after work and before she leaves to meet riff at the docks are cherished. every day, she comes home telling herself that she'll get something. perhaps, she could run to the bakery to find riff a warm bun to eat or tidy up their one-bedroom flat. today, johanna had no thought in mind before sinking onto the thin mattress.

if she wasn't so exhausted, maybe she would cry a little bit before cleaning herself up and presenting a brave face to riff. does it even matter? he's seen her cry too many times for her to count already. she doesn't feel well enough to let a few tears run down her cheek. her face burrows into their pillow and she curls into herself.

--- it had only been a few minutes, surely. johanna got home from the factory, laid down and . . . well, now she feels someone's lips on her forehead. she must have shifted in her sleep. however long that might have been. ( it wasn't all that long! it couldn't have been. ) if she was feeling any better, she might shoot up and demand to know the time. instead, a lazy hand reaches out to grab riff's arm as she slowly opens her eyes.

❝ i'm sorry i didn't get you, ❞ she mumbles, wishing he would step closer to the bed. ❝ are you alright? how was it today? ❞ a brief yawn. ❝ i'm sorry. i'm sorry! ❞ perhaps, it would sound much more apologetic if johanna wasn't whispering. ❝ you didn't worry, did you? i told you i don't want you worrying over me. ❞

@cannotfly (JOHANNA)

He could feel a rustling beside him. Up until now, he hadn't wanted to move for any reason. The fever had him up until now, and he had had a vague awareness of being fed and a cool cloth at his forehead.

It had broken sometime in the night and this was as well and as awake as he'd felt in a long time. He found it difficult to move. He eyes cracked open, there were the familiar old walls, the wood beds, the coughing and the dank dirty atmosphere. He tried to shift, tried to push himself up, but was unable to move. Why was everything so hard? He should be in control of himself. He should be able to get away. His head turned just enough to see the coroner lifting a body onto a stretcher from the spot in the bed beside him.

It was enough to kick in his fight or flight and fling himself off of the wooden frame and right down to floor. It had taken what energy he had. He couldn't get away. It's a hollow sound that comes from his mouth as he spotted her. It's a soft string of a Latin prayer mumbled across weak lips. He couldn't be dead, not yet.

But where else could it be but heaven? He had to be dead otherwise he would be able to move. He wouldn't feel as if his body were a weight. It has to be heaven because no angel could hold a candle to the serenity of that face fresh from deep within memories softest dreams. "Johanna."

I LOST THE MEME

@cannotfly ASKED: “ can i stay with you? i had a really bad dream. “ (JOHANNA)

"No." There was a time he would have opened his arms and kissed the nightmares from her head. He would have whispered the rhyme his aunt taught him to ease her mind and ward off whatever evil had settled in her dreams. He would have protected her, even from fictional fears.

But that was then, this was now, and she wasn't his wife. She wasn't much of anything. There was still part of him that felt if her husband was still alive she wouldn't have given him a second thought. She'd left before. Something better had come along and he couldn't be with her as a just in case. Not when all that they had meant nothing of the same scale to her.

Instead, he handed her a shawl she had left the other night as she did this same thing before. He slid on his coat to keep himself warm, and stepped out of his apartment. He locked the door behind him, yawned, and said, " but I ain't gone a let you go walkin' around alone. C'mon. We'll walk down to the park. Maybe the birds are sleepin' on the pond." He'd placed his hands on his coat pocket, otherwise he might reach for hers. Otherwise he might get used again.

@heygutlcss's raefer mcclellan sent: ❝ it wasn’t just about needing someone tonight. it was you i needed. ❞

sheets are tucked up to her chin, head laid gently at his shoulder. a curl rests between two fingers. after the first time, it was easy to pull on layers and open the door to face the brisk air. she hadn't meant to make him cry. ( she wonders how he can still love her after everything she'd done to him. she doesn't mean to. ) her body hasn't felt safe with anyone since anthony's passing. sometimes, it's difficult to melt into sweet moments and let them stay good. her mind screams at her to run, to scream, to throw her hands in someone's face because she isn't safe, but she holds her hands over her ears at the thoughts and slowly her shoulders relax.

the only thing she took from his house was a chain connected to a cross. she'd almost forgotten about the silly thing until she got it back after the six years of being at the workhouse. now it sits among her things, battered from the times she attempted to destroy it. needed to destroy something and took it out on a pendant. it chipped away at the paint. it bruised its coating. yet the cross survived. no longer gleaming and beautiful, but alive. johanna hadn't expected to relate to a cross hanging from her neck.

there were other girls. more deserving girls. while their classes differ---though, can she call it her "class" when it was the position her abuser had given her?---johanna sees herself in flickers of the eyes of those other girls. desperate and in the eyes of the world, fallen. how can riff still love her when those girls have done more for him in a few years than she ever did in their lifetime together? how can he love her despite the bruises from other men on her body and the hollow between her ribs?

johanna almost wishes he would choose them over her. he wouldn't get hurt by a girl digging her nails into survival.

❝ it's dark in here. ❞ the words are heavy on her tongue as she mutters them. whenever the fire had gone out, somehow, it escaped her notice. had the fire gone out or are the blankets pushed up too much for her to see anything other than his face? eyes close, head down. it doesn't prevent the familiar sting of tears. ❝ why? ❞ she dares to ask. why her? why love her when he has sacrificed so much and she left him behind? ❝ riff, i was broken when i was ten and i only broke more. you don't have to love me back. you don't have to want me. ❞ need. he said need. her voice breaks, ❝ i don't know how you could ever forgive me. ❞

@heygutlcss's raefer mcclellan sent: [ HUG ]: the sender places their hands on the receiver's shoulders to yank them into a hug.

they haven't been able to see each other as much. riff aging into what the fathers consider to be an adult rips him out of the desk next to hers in the school room. despite his corridors being more difficult to tiptoe to, he stayed. for her and even if they aren't able to see each other every day, she can hold her chin up knowing that her friend is still here. for her. even when he could leave and never turn back. they hadn't clipped his wings, he stubbornly kept the feathers in his beak. ( lark, lark, i will pluck you . . . yet, they haven't gotten his head. )

yesterday dragged on, a rare day where they weren't able to catch even a glimpse of each other. johanna began to imagine the tiny stitches in her work were the faeries he described from stories he took with him from across the sea. lark, gentle lark was a tune she dared to hum until the schoolmistress rapped her knuckles. she missed him. what better way to imagine riff was right there than to sing their song?

seeing him now lights up her face. supper has never been better than spotting his face across the room. despite the punishment that would follow, johanna nearly skips as she makes her way to her. she laughs at his hands on her shoulders and gives an, oh! as he pulls her into an embrace. how does it still surprise her after all these years?

❝ i missed you! ❞ she whispers. ❝ tonight, i'll have to try to go to your room. i think i've figured out how i can without getting caught. i'll make it this time. ❞ resting her chin on his chest, she looks up with him. her grin widens. ❝ i couldn't sleep last night. i missed you too much. ❞