#U SHLD HAVE SEEN WHAT HAPPENED WHEN I SAID THAT IN THE TAGS. I WAS BULLIED!! | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

ogeeitsme · 4 years

Note

What's your experience with dormancy?

TW: Sui// mentions / comparisons / death comprsns- this is both positive n negtve b aaa

This is a long post so I’m srry <:^/

Theres 2 ways 2 answr this: how we second hand experience it, n then how we experience it in our systm:

How we secondhand experience it

Turns out, more than once, apprntly, drmncy has actlly been used as a, threat?? DKDJDKN we got som rlly old memories abt Jamie meeting a “System” (idk if they’re a sys, it’s such a long story) n He used drmncy 2 guilt trip her (n she ddnt even kno what systm was @ the time dkhdbddb)

Anywy besides that HUGE outlier, it’s kinda,, rough, bc ur askin 4 our experiences, not our views, so when it comes 2 secondhand drmncy, as in like other systms not us- it’s alwys hard

N it’s RLLY funny ur askin this rn anon bc coincidntlly we just came out of a WHOLE frickin sitch that involved secndhnd drmncy experiencs (again, I mean watching ppl in other systms go dormant)

Like, Jamie’s prev ex had, ppl go dormant, like a lot of em, bc they broke up, n 2 of their mmbrs bsclly sent me wht can be equivlnt 2 a sui note- n I got that note frm bsclly som1 equivlnt 2 my brthr, @ the time, n Sal’s brthr [@ the time] bc they shared the blog

We r rlly close 2 anthr sys whose host wnt drmnt 4 som big rsns (they also have trauma abt ppl using drmncy as an escape route frm their actions, man life b wild huh?) n jst came back so that was rlly wild n hard bc she was (n is) like a mom figure 4 us, esp 2 Peter, n their whole sys, bc they’re median, kinda crashed in on itself tmprrly n it was rlly hard 2 watch KDH it makes u kind of mad @ those ppl who cause othr ppl 2 go thru sm pain thta they jst go drmnt u kno?

But rounding back 2 Jamie’s ex (n I g the 1st exmple 2 b vaguely), that was rlly hard, n bc of that, drmncy is smth we can’t unsee as death anymr

Hey so disclaimer that won’t b in the tags (Bc som ppl dnt read them) n I will pit here just in case: yes we kno dormancy is NOT equal 2 death, dormancy always has the chance of them coming back, b w how we spcfclly exprncd these, it felt that way, esp w the goodbyes, n the crying, n how they litrlly treated it as sui//. Not 2 mention the Older trauma Jamie had/has where His “systm” litrlly said “do u miss him? Well he’s dead now”

It’s hard 2 uncorrel8 them- bc it dpnds on how u go thru it- and anthr disclaimer is that if it’s a drmncy in ur own systm, the brain may b able 2 visualize it as a death, heck som systms we kno have a “graveyard” where all the drmnt systm mmbrs end up in; and of som jst “disappear” n I heard anthr sys in their headspace it’s seen as like pods? Where u can c them sleepin?

Anywy back 2 us- KDNDKNDKN yea, our experiences w it so far has been rel8d 2,,, sui or death :^( not counting the ppl we pass by in random srvrs who talk abt it, this is jst our prsnl ones esp tied 2 systms we were (or r) RLLY close 2

IDK we’re still grieving over Larry n Asriel frm Her systm. Pls don’t send asks saying “they mite come back” btw KJSKHS they mite b even if they do we can’t Talk, their sys is an ex 4 a rsn

Inner-system exprnces

HM so there’s a lot 2 write here b we dnt- uslly have ppl who r nice, go drmnt

It used 2 b only all the very bad persecutors who wld rlly harm every1 who wld go drmnt, our psychiatrist even said, 2 calm Jamie dwn a long time ago when she was given anti psychotics, that the “good ppl wnt go away, only the bad ppl”

b they (those old persecuted) all went drmnt thru,,,,, d//ath, n I dnt wnna talk abt that or how, this is not how we wrk anymr

Then we have Deanne, she was a persecutor who was chngng 4 the bttr, b it’s like,,,, when she realized she didn’t have 2 b bad anymr? She went drmnt?? Like I rmmbr (I wsnt there but u kno shared memory) every1 feeling she slowly faded away until we realized she wsnt arnd

Aftr that, we stoppd having drmncies, b we do label ppl who mite b close 2 drmncy msbmdb (edit: nvm, I rmmbrd Alven n Peyton who went drmnt :^( we miss them, Alven was Matt’s dad n Oeyton was a rlly good ISH )

Bc they’re “not needed” N LISTN anthr disclaimer, by THAT I mean natural dormancies? Not 2 say u go drmnt randomly, I mean that sometimes som1 isn’t active enough or their role isn’t needed as mch,, it’s scary I kno, b it can hppn n it’s no1’s fault, it’s not even their fault,i t jst happns, n that my good anon is a bite sized expln8ion on y u mite have ppl come out of drmncy mhsbkdbdkb

Uhh, we have som ppl who r afraid of going drmnt tho ofc,, n they r trying 2 b as active as they can in sys inspace so they dnt fade

Bc if u dnt wnna b dormnt, trying 2 b more active can hlp!

So,,, we a,so have ppl who came frm drmncy,,,

N that’s Jade, Beia, n Chompy

Apprntly Jade n Beia were frm arnd the same time? Actlly it’s fnny bc we thought Jade was a split of Noelle b we were bamboozled bc it wasnt the case

N then u have chompy,,, which is rlly sad,, bc she cnt rmmbr the year b we found out it was frm arnd 3 yrs old,,, that rlly sucks- she’s a fictive of Chain Chomp n came out of drmncy in a new form (Chompette) smdbndb according 2 Jade n Beia they dnt rmmbr wht hppnd, b it’s like they fell asleep n woke up again

N w Chompy, she explains it as like, , she was a chain chomp, n was chained 2 the back of the headspace, n bc she accepted she cldnt do anyth, faded in2 drmncy bc she gave up? B now she’s back n wants 2 fite,dkbdmdb until, stuff I wnt get in2

I’m not done KDH

Lastly I wanna talk abt,,,, how we feel abt it

I dnt think drmncy shld b smth 2 b afraid of— BUT @ the same time it’s OK 2 b afraid of it, or 2 h8 it, or 2 feel ANYTH abt it bc, almost all the time it’s not ur own choice 2 do so (half the time, based on what we’ve seen, etc)

Sometimes, ppl will c it as a mmbr fnlly resting, sometimes it’s sudden n @ least in the mmnt (or mayb ull never kno), ther dsnt seem 2 b a strong rsn on y it hopnd

Som will c it as death, som will say it’s scary, n som accept it’s a part of being a sys,,, that this happens, n that it will b ok

Bc,,, they can come back, mayb, n that’s sys life

4 us we feel ALL of those @ once

I wnt lie <:^) 4 som oldr mmbrs, we hope they dnt come back, b then 4 som we hope they do com back, n it’s this balance of trying not 2 b toxic-positive n trying not 2 erase the hope if we do wnt them 2 com back

IDK it’s so— mssy Bc u shld allow urself 2 grieve- bc dormancy CAN feel like death (frm an obsrvr?), n o man the syscourse that exists @ the mere mention of treating drmncy like death? Scares me, n I jst wnna put it out ther that it involves a lot of grieving somtimes,,,m yes, it can b traumatic depending on how said dormancy was brought 2 ur attention or knwldge

4 us we’e still grieving over that last mssg frm them, we’re angry 4 those who went drmnt n also @ Them who went drmnt? Idk man

TLDR don’t- I repeat- do NOT,,,,, treat drmncy as the answr

If ur in a systm out ther, I kno it hard, n frick, drmncy is such a complic8d topic in systems period, b drmncy is not the answ

Bc yes drmncy is not prmnnt 4 som systms, (n by prmnnt I mean that sys mite jst not have awakenings as common @ all; every sys is diff) b drmncy is,,, most of the time a scary thought 4 systms

It’s- it’s not sui litrlly, b,,, it;s,, is almost similar IF- n I repeat- if it’s used as an escape, esp in a bad way

N like w sui// we wnt entirely blame you if @ all, b it’s sad- n it’s hard

Bc like ”irl” ppl arnd u who care r affctd- n knowing it’s by ur own hand is hard 2 accept

Bro, anon my dude, I’m so srry this is such a messy post KDNKDND our exprnces w it is so recent n it’s SUCH a complic8d topic 2 discuss w/o fear of ppl yelling @ u abt spreading misinfo

We’re a rlly big outlier 2 the usual sys exp w dormancies bc we’ve had SO many exprncs of it being rel8d 2 sui/ of death from othr systms Onesides our own), n it’s not jst random systems, it systems who we were close 2 n we got hurt by

I dnt wnna talk abt whether or not what we experiencs was real b yea thats our experiences n not the resources,, since that’s the question KNS

#from kris’chara was gnna answ b #i wntd 2 #ask #anon #suicide #dormancy #headspace #ask to tag #death #death mention #suicide mention #im srry i make 0 sense #im gttng rlly insecure abt my communic8ion skills bc outspace dnt seem 2 undrstnd anyth i say n i wish i was kddng w this #like rlly my slef esteem abt being coherent is going dwn the drain bc we’re goin thru smth in school n tryin 2 fix sm stuff #ive had 2 releat myskf sm times the oast 2 weeks n every adult in our vicinity says they cant undrstnd me dkhkd #anywy yea. im srry- pls do NOT treat this post a s a reaource or advice this is litrlly me answ the question #yes im afraidof syscourse #@ every single second i breathe abt what we go thru #from kris #abuse #manipulation #me @ our fllwrs: how r yall still here #like what Cintent do we Prvde that makes u stay dkdbdkdbdh #content*#ALSO this is NOT whatvthe prev post was abt

5 notes · View notes

figureinthedistance · 5 years

Text

ive been trying 2 make a post abt david berman fr the past 24 hrs not even for my own benefit but bc i feel like bc of the person he was + what he did fr me + many others i am obliged 2 deliver some sort of testament or sth i cant not create anything for him + i dont have many options open 2 me in terms of how 2 honour him. when i found out i was @ work + i left a couple hours later 2 go down 2 this grotto 2 the blessed mother mary in a nearby park + i prayed on it + it was like a rare occasion of feeling like prayer wasnt enough + i think its bc prayer is fr me + given how much DCB has done for me i shld do sth for him. theres not rlly anything i can do so until i think of sth better im jst gna make a post semi-articulating his greatness + hopefully someone who sees this + doesnt kno him will now kno tht 2 days ago an incredibly special + strong + kind man died. i kno it was important 2 him 2 leave an impact + i’ll try my best 2 always help w that from now on.

this is a new kind of grief. when i went thru his tag yesterday there were like 3 posts by different ppl abt how he had saved their lives when they were going thru rough times + he was definitely like a key component of my survival when i was a teen. + im struggling to think of anyone who balanced despair + hopelessness so well w humour his lyrics cld make me laugh + some of his songs were so feel good even while mapping the horrors of existence w/ this cutting accuracy that few im familiar w/ have ever matched. he was like simultaneously confirming u were right to fear everything u feared, but then also being like. shit theres still stuff to laugh abt. theres so much u can enjoy. (is the problem that we can't see or that the problem is beautiful to me?)

i keep thinking of new lyrics + having my heart broken all over again. “folks who’ve watched their mother kill an animal know that their home is surrounded by places to go.” there was a review fr his newest album which said they were tempted to engage in rlly lazy music reviewing, by jst quoting a dozen of his lyrics instead of actually saying anything themselves. another piece said tht it was a serious struggle choosing which lyrics to share bc they were all so powerful. bill callahan tweeted ‘the world is a david berman lyric’. theres also this ch*rles darwin quote abt charles lyell, where he says the book lyell wrote ‘altered the whole tone of one’s mind, and therefore that, when seeing a thing never seen by Lyell, one yet saw it partially through his eyes’. berman definietely taught me a lot abt seeing the world + like, finding meaning + connexion w banal, unpretty things (the darwin quote also reminds me of a line from bermans poetry: there were no new ways to understand the world/ only new days to set our understandings against. now tht we won’t get any more insight from him, we’re jst gonna have to keep reusing what hes already given us to understand the coming times). before i was on the joos/mountains binge id been in a built to spill phase, + they have a lyric like "u can take the world apart to figure out how it works" (not verbatim) + DCB did a more thorough job than i can think of witnessing from many others. i feel like trying 2 describe him almost sullies his legacy bc no words will ever b able to match his own. u cant find adequate language 2 describe them bc they took language 2 unprecedented heights.

im fighting off the urge of making this abt me but i’ll note this once: it is fr me + fr all the other fans particularly...idk...unsettling? shocking? having this happen a month after the release of his 1st album in over a decade + a week before he was supposed 2 start touring. prior 2 this news id been listening to the joos + to purple mountains on repeat fr the first time in ages bc i was so excited abt his come back. + coinciding w that was the fact tht the last couple weeks say i have fr unrelated reasons been enduring some of the heaviest suicidality in months. having him take his life honestly feels like losing someone who was fighting along side me.

i think a combination of factors make this such a deeply felt injustice, the first being how he so deserved peace. i halfway remember a conversation w my brother when i was like 16, + we were saying how the silver jews jst made u root fr him, u jst wanted him to overcome all the obstacles he was facing. another but similar reason this hits hard is bc i hold myself off from forming any sort of personal connection w celebrities or public figures but never felt the need 2 do that w him bc he never seemed 2 fit in those categories. he never toured + rarely gave interviews + was out of the business completely fr eleven years + was never anywhere close to being rich. i also jst trusted that he was as kind + genuine + selfless + loving + brave as he came across in the rare interview + in his music + in his fan interactions + in the anecdotes shared abt him by friends or colleagues (who always also seemed to be friends, anyway). his loved ones have said he understood how important his music was to ppl + i rlly hope he did, fully. on twitter a fan shared this email he sent them abt the recovery process fr addiction after they reached out 2 him while in detox. that was a special kind of honesty + love + kindness + bravery.

everything is heartbreaking in retrospect, which is unsurprising considering the topics of his music + poetry, but even the lighthearted stuff too. complementing the above linked tweet, this very sweet funny charming email he sent a fan tht they posted on twitter is almost unbearable fr its inclusion of the line, ‘its good to be remembered’. he was such a special person + he has done so much + deserved so much that its not right or just of me 2 keep all these thoughts + feelings to myself. he deserves to have them put out in the world in recognition of how deeply special he was.

#david berman #ok. this is all i can do fr now!

4 notes · View notes