#Taunie jade
Text
Chapter 15:
Tales Untold
What Would You Say?
(If I Told You,)
I’m Writing A Musical.
A Love Story,
(Written In Real Time…)
An Ever-changing Adventure;
(A Documented Script,)
Provided Immortality…
(Aboard Poetry Guided Ship.)
Would You Respect Me?
Protect Me?
Save Me?
(When I’ve Fallen Far From Shore?)
Would You Hug Me?
Could You Love Me?
Thank Me?
(Providing Eternal Lore?)
Could You Believe In Divine Providence?
(A Journey Toward Divinity…)
A Story,
One In Which,
Assigned…
Long Before My Time.
Given This Task,
Chosen To Heal…
Survived Such Turmoils,
(So Another Can Feel.)
Have You Ever Desired To Change Your Name?
Dilute The Face?
Become True,
(To Fame?)
Start Anew?
Build An Empire,
(Sprout Within Previous Burnt Roots?)
I Have.
If I Asked You,
“Are You Him?”
If I Screamed,
“IF NOT, TELL ME THEN!”
“I HAVE NO MORE PATIENCE TO WASTE!”
(Lost In Hymn.)
Would You Tell Me You Could Fly?
(Or Maybe To Swim Is More Your Taste.)
Would You Be My Ride Or Die?
Could You Hack The Dark Paths…
(Within A Lost Forest’s Face?)
Could We Be Perfect For One Another?
(Or Concoct Emotional World War?)
Would You Dote Upon My Bedside?
When Bugs Come Sneezing,
(Throughout The Lore?)
Could You Emotionally Care For Me?
Raise That Darling Pitt Bull, Pazuzu?
Could We Work Together?
Would We Build A Team?
Could We Sleep All Day Beneath The Clouds?
Dance Upon Hours Within A Day Dream?
Could We Speak Upon Politics?
(Without Provoking Distaste?)
Would We Provide Stability?
Within Healthy Intentional Space?
Could We Breathe Together?
Relax Within One Another?
Could We Drop The Face,
And Face Fact?
Would My Distaste For Washing Dishes,
Receive Comfortable Slack?
Could You Recognize My Waves,
Surf Their Crest To Safety, Back.
And If I Find Myself Lost At Sea,
Would You Cry To The Heavens To Help Me?
Or Maybe You Swim With Stamina And Pride,
Promising,
“You’ll Always Find Me...”
(Far And Wide.)
What Would You Do?
If I Gave You A Second Beginning?
Disregard Manipulative Sinning?
Would You Catch Me?
(Or Let Me Fall?)
Gripping My Toes,
(Along Such Creases,)
Within This Platform….
(A Hundred Years Tall.)
Could We Concoct Conversation?
Would We Feel That Beautiful Goo?
Learn To Become Loved?
(Me And You?)
What Would You Say:
If I Told You I Was No One.
If You Never Knew,
(Dirt Upon My Shoe.)
What If We Never Landed?
Those Days It Just,
(Me And You;)
Those Unwashed Travelers,
(We Hadn’t Had A Clue.)
What If You Never Promised,
(The Hospital Staff,)
My Captivity?
What If We Flew Through Divinity?
Took The Wrong Path?
False Doors,
(Perhaps,)
The Wrong Task.
How Are We To Know:
Love Is Truth,
Openly Shown.
“Watanya Cicilla”,
Was The Name,
(Presented Youthful Fame…)
Lost A Father To Pneumonia,
(Motive To Hunting Game.)
Paid Off Her Mother’s Home By Fifteen;
Joined “Buffalo Bill’s Wild West”,
Shot The Ashes Off A Held Cigarette,
None Come To Detest,
“Little Sure Shot”,
No Target Superior,
(Stood Within Her Test.)
Split Playing Cards From Thirty Paces,
Hit Dimes Tossed Upon The Air…
In One Shot,
Snuffed The Flame Of A Dull Lit Candle,
I Attest, I Saw It There:
I Watched Her Knock Corks Off Bottle Tops…
(She Hit One Hundred Clay Targets At Sixty-two.)
She Entertained A Tournament,
(Young Girls Were Slim And Few,)
She Beat Out Little Frankie…
(His Heart Did Swoon.)
Her Skill Never Offended Him,
They Were Equal,
(Them Two.)
They Married And Traveled,
Two Perfect Parts Of A Crew:
When Inevitable Death Guided Them Part,
He Refused To Eat,
Took Death Over Life,
(Without Her Gracing His Heart.)
What If I Told You,
I Never Miss My Target,
What If I Told You,
“I Chose You?”
What If I Superior Within Such Competition?
Could You Settle A Gnarling Ego, Too?
(Through And Through?)
Would You Be My Mr. Butler,
Support My Talents With Opinions Few?
Could We Become Love?
(Immortal By An Eternally Written Dove…)
Or Shake,
Crackle,
Break…
Within A Securely False Stake?
I Love The Way In Which The Clouds Roll Amongst The Hills,
Pondering,
Projecting,
Shadows Crawling,
Establishing Mysterious Thrills.
The Earth Feels Bright,
Each Color’s Vibrant:
Pondering Life,
Projecting Urges Of Tyrant In Severe Strife.
I Expect Logical Evaluation,
Nothing Gold Sprouts Within Temptation.
I Put My Hand Upon This Table,
(My Menu Openly Crude;)
I Write This Lovely Fable,
(Shake Such Shriveled Mask Turned Shroud.)
May I Entice Your Mind?
Create Complex Conversation?
May I Wiggle My Psychological Curiosity,
Within Your Suffocating Contemplation?
May I Take Your Hand?
Run As Lions,
Dredging Unstable Quicksand?
The Faster You Move…
The Quicker It Consumes:
Will You Become Lost Within Your Mind, Too?
Could You Allow Me To Slip Past Suppressed Lands?
Locate That Sacred Little Boy,
Caught Within Eternal Sands,
Poisoned Conditioning Of Such Sensual Hour Glass?
What Would Healthy Look Like?
Are We Bound By Our Shame?
Could Be Become Happy?
Leave The Battles To Memories,
Bandaged And Maimed.
Let Me Tell You A Story,
One Of A Girl Brought Up In Shame,
(Second Best,)
A Life Consistently Overlooked,
(Tamed;)
Invisible Amongst The Rest.
Molten Lava Encased:
A Butterfly Interlaced,
Desperate For Light,
Practicing Flight,
(Entrapped Within Chrysalis Strife.)
This Girl Learned Quickly,
She Studied What It Felt Like:
She Listened To Martyrs,
She Knowingly Chose To Abandon Life.
She Was A Modest Girl,
Desiring To Become Porcelain:
She Thrived To Be Noticed,
(Within Distant Infatuation.)
She Consistently Fell,
(Coddled Toward Failure.)
A Girl Needs To Be Tested,
(If Her Light Shine Allure.)
Rarely Encouraged,
(There Always Better:)
“Her Dreams Are But A Waste,”
She Fought The Universe,
(The Ultimate Toll To Receive SI. Splatter.)
She Knew I Had Killed The Person She Had Come To Dress…
She Knew Not Of The Name She’d Been Given,
(I Digress...)
This Girl Lived Within Such Sensual Reality,
Her Heart Removed From The “Test”.
She Knew She Struggled With Lust…
(Not Physically,)
Though,
Intellectual Seeds Infest.
She Claimed,
“I Could Dim It…
No More Than Temptation Of Gest…”
Thought As A Virus,
Took Captive,
(Wildfire,)
Spread Through…
This Seed Was No Cancer,
Implanting Emotionally,
(Growing Roots.)
I Sat Inquisitive Beneath A Comforting Douglas Fir,
I Had Created An Entire Life…
Out Of Fairy Tales And Far Off Dreams,
(As It Were.)
Gripping My Wood Backed Words,
I Can’t Help But Say…
“Why Have I Come?
(I Cannot Stay.)”
You Have No Intellectual Data To Inform You Of Such:
This Book Is My Love,
(Buried Deep Within Muck.)
I Had Insufficient Integrity,
To Return Love,
(I Hadn’t Felt For Myself.)
You Cannot Give Someone Something,
(In Which You Lack From Within:)
You Can Only Love Them,
(Heart Scorched Bandaged By Hymn.)
You Cannot Love Someone,
(For Which You Can Give Them.)
You Cannot Take Such Love,
(And Disregard As Emotional Sin.)
You Cannot Help Anyone,
(When You Cannot Help Yourself.)
You Cannot Live Beautifully,
(Encased Upon A Shelf.)
How Am I To Know What Love Is?
Does It Have Eyes And A Mouth?
Does It Grin Snarling Teeth,
(When Respectful Intentions Shift South?)
A Girl Would Never Know,
(She Never Loved Herself…)
I Remember Forcing My Hand Down My Throat,
(Before I Tall Enough To Aim My Bow.)
These Intestines Tremble In Trepidation,
Eleven Years:
Self Destructive Temptation.
Why Do We Sit Here?
Pretend We Give A Shit Toward Salvation?
Hemorrhaging Upon The Path;
To Foolish Not To Take…
He Showed Me The Final Test:
“You Do Not Need to Always Follow The Rabbit,”
(Graffiti Sprayed Amongst The White And Red.)
I Should Have Seen It Coming;
(The Toll For My Pride.)
I Thought I Was Receiving Payment,
I Knew Was False Deep Inside.
I Could Have Taken The Cut,
Followed That Instinct Wreathing,
(Within My Gut…)
Instead,
I Coward Within My Head.
Lying Upon the Moss,
(Dead.)
I’ve Spent Three-Hundred Sixty-five Days,
(Lost Within This Forest.)
I First Met A Path,
Similar To Before:
Guarded By Rabbit In Sly Mask,
This Path Gifted My Shore.
I Crouched Amongst The Leaves,
At Night I Heard An Astonishing “RAWR”…
It Was A Big Brown Bear,
Coward Within His Cave;
Salivating Amongst My Lore…
I Paused…
(As I Could Not Recognize His Tuft…)
I Found A Black Bear Instead,
(Hiding Amongst Dreamer’s Fluff.)
The Black Bear Lowered His Narrow Glasses:
He Pretends To Play Such Part,
“According To My Map,
You’re Accordingly On Route!
Trudge Fifty Paces Left,
Three-hundred To The Right…
Seventy To The Front,
And Three To The Side…
Got It?”
This Bear Made No Fucking Sense…
Though,
I Followed;
Through This Thick Forest,
(Cursed Dense.)
Fifty To The Right…
Three-hundred To The Left…
This Is Where I Found That Little Witch…
(She To Protect Us From The Rest.)
She Was Cunning And Kind,
Such A Slender Little Doll…
“Come, Come Vivian…
We Shall Watch The Gold Leaves Fall.
A Vandal A Day,
Keeps The Cold Winds At Bay…
Come Miss, Miss…
Come And Play!”
I Paused,
Understanding The Nature Of Wonderland…
This Doll Was So Sincere,
Long Black Hair,
Knobs For Knees:
“Compare?”
I Showed Her My Wounds,
She Showed Me Hers Back…
“My Name Is Katherine Wood,
(Don’t Mind The Pine,)
I’m The Same As You,
Your Wounds Are Deep As Mine.”
Her Material Made Up Pine,
Softly Delicate,
Manicured And Oiled Fine.
Gothic Pinup,
(Devine.)
“You Know Everything About Me,
And Me With You…
Together We Survive,
Just Us Two.”
She Took My Hand,
Led Me Deep Within This Dusk Stained Forest:
The Trees Began To Dance,
Creatures Seeping From Within The Foliage.
“Let Us Play,
Sweet Sweet Baby…
Do Not Become Timid,
This Wonderland Sparkles,
(Though Holds Strict Limit.)
Please,
Drink The Fermented Fruit,
My Beautiful Lady:
Don’t Forget To Dress The Part,
(The Ring Leader’s Suit.)
Come,
Come Now My Baby:
Let Us Scour For Loot!”
I Fell In Platonic Love,
That Day We Compare Wounds…
“Don’t Stay…
Don’t Stop And Stare…”
(Vivian Ringing Throughout My Ear.)
I Shake Her Warn As Insanity Spread Fire,
(I Hadn’t Expected:
This Witch Be Professional Liar.)
I Followed Miss Wood,
(Through The Paths Within This Dark Face.)
Fifty Steps Right,
“Don’t Loose Pace!
Make Haste!”
These Creatures Were Glamorous,
(Awe Struck By The Game.)
They Climbed From Within The Paintings,
Etched In Oil Amongst The Bark;
They Danced Within Sin,
Pretty Pills Finalize A Tormented Soul’s Mark.
The Creatures Can Mutate,
Morph Before Your Iris:
“Do Not Stop, Nor Stare…
Their Sin Manipulates Tempting Virus”
“It’s Just A Little Fun,
Don’t You Understand?
I’ve Been Drowning In Lifelong Muck,
These Friends Prove A Struck Of Luck.
Go Bother Your Own Kind,
Vivian,
Let Me Play Within My Mind.”
Her Silence Creep,
“Ask And You Shall Receive…”
I Demanded She Go,
So She Granted My Leave.
Babies In Faces Of Grown Individuals,
A Significant Supply Of Hetero/Bi/Homosexuals:
A Slew Of Bodies,
Lines Plentiful,
(White As Snow:)
Spidy-Sippy Encased In Tequila,
“TJ, Keep Your Mind Low.”
“Vivian, Are you Ill?
I Said, Just Go!”
“A Party Is Not A Pleasure,
While Masked In Complaints…
Don’t Let This Muck Devour You,
Cast Within Constraints.”
This Cast Was Transgender,
Beauty-Queens With Testosterone In Their Chest…
“TJ, Take Head…
Your Chosen For Divine Test.”
“I’ve Been Stripped Of My Dignity,
Laid Each Buck I Set My Crosshairs Upon…
I’m Tainted,
Can’t You See?
No One Could Ever Want Me.
I’m Raped And Tangled Within A Head Full Of Muck…
At Least Here:
I Choose Who I Fuck.
I Line Them Up,
Pretty To Kind;
Then The Humorous Ones,
Followed By Talent Of Mind.
They All Turn To Stone Once Completed With Me,
At Least I Choose Which Parts They See Within Me.
I Can Give Them My Body,
It’s A Game Katherine And I Play:
It’s Target Practice,
Though…
(Toads Don’t Stay.)
It’s Miss Molly Popping Raindrops,
Kiss The Prince To Make Him “POP”…
Drag Queens Galore,
What A Colorful Sight Of Lore!
We Danced And We Sang,
And We Fucked Until The Sky Rang…
We Ate Mushrooms,
Filled Our Heads With LSD:
We Laughed And Played,
Smoking Bowls And Drinking Tea.
“I’m The Good Witch!
And All You Bitches;
Y’all Are My Lollipop Guild!”
What A Hollow Family Build.
The Music Vibrated The Hairs Along My Neck,
And When I Awoke…
I Left Nothing More Than Human Dreck.
Katherine Was Gone,
No Sight To Be Seen,
The Party Had Become Tar:
Splattered Across The Scene.
I Began To Sob,
Tears As Multnomah Falls:
“You Mustn’t Cry Dear,
Duty Calls…”
A Voice Familiar,
Though,
Unseen At Best.
“You’ve Just Begun,
Now Onto The Test.”
A Little Beatle Crawled Within My Ear,
He Whispered All The Things I Wanted To Hear…
His Insecta Titled “Lust”:
Buried Himself Deep Within This Conch Crust.
I Discovered A Pick,
No Larger Than Pacific Tick…
I Planted Beneath A Moss Written Fir Tree:
Plucking Each Of His Hanged Feet Out From Within Me.
The Fog Settled In As I Stared This Beatle Within His Face,
“Find Another, Young Beetle…
You Don’t Belong Within My Mind-space.”
“I’m Not Invasive,
Young TJ…
Though You Mustn’t Surprise If We Meet Again,
You Haven’t An Idea Of Real Love While Lost Within.”
He Tipped His Hat,
Scurried Amongst This Forest Mat.
Finding Traces Of Friendship,
Now Tattered Remanence,
(Memories Dulled Upon Coexistence.)
“Excuse ME!
Forest?
I’m Searching For An Emerald Eye?
I’m Sick Of Being Tourist!”
The Witch Was Gone,
She Only Used Me For Her Own Fame,
And When I Fell…
She Laughed Then Found Another To Claim.
I Had Been Left For Dead,
Blacked Night Turned Blue:
I Had Been Slipped Non-consensual Drugs Too…
All These Creatures…
All Turned Lead…
Then Disintegrated;
(Amongst The Goo.)
I Was Left Alone,
A Cold And Lonely Tone.
They Hadn’t Cared For My Well-being,
Only Themselves In Sin-kissed Scene.
I Stumbled Amongst The Trees,
Barefoot And Tore:
Sweet,
Whispers Of Hymn,
Guiding My Lore.
The Beatle’s Feet Leave Sticky Poison,
Injected,
Absorbed Amongst The Skin:
My Chest Begins To Slumber,
Winded Upon A Whim.
My Sight Flashed,
Deep Before My Eyes:
Tangled,
Morphed Between The Lies.
“You Know What,
Fuck This.
Fuck All Of This.”
Vivian, Trudging In Stage Left:
“You Thought You Have Choice?
This Has Been Written Long Before,
You Weren’t Even A Concept.
I Engage My Right To Percept,
Intercept This Attempt:
You Fuck As Thought Your Exempt,
(Your Soul’s Torment.)
You Deserve To Be Drudged Within This Muck,
You Lit The Sea Of Slime.
You’re A Creature Of Rare Find,
Do Not Disregard Your Mind…”
*Running Miles*
“What A Pretty Girl…”
Vivian Muttering Beneath Her Breath:
“Eyelashes Reaching Toward The Sky,
Perfectly Framing Such Masterpiece Of An Eye.
Shimmering Blue And Gold,
Waltzing With Vibrant Green;
(Camouflaging Grey.)
Trickling Down Your Nose…
(Only The Best Tear To Stay.)
Lips And Teeth Mastering The Act:
Failing To Admit…
(The Ugly Unexposed Fact.)”
Playing Her Game Of Illusions,
(She The Most Talented Musician.)
The Smooth Pick Of Perfection,
(Her Appearance,)
Nothing More Than a Mask,
A Façade To What Appears;
(Within This Forest’s Task.)
“To The World,”
I Express Upon a Whim:
“You Are Beautiful…
(No Need For Doubt.)
The Porcelain Within Your Tub:
Carrying Your Secrets Thin,
(In And Out.)”
I Find It Extraordinary,
(Baffling,)
How Complex The Human Existence Is:
Ever Take Five Seconds:
(Listen To The Heart Beat,)
Faster,
(Faster,)
Slower…
(Depending Upon Such Situation,)
It’s Conductor Is Forced Within.
“Listen:”
Vivian Shook Me From Both Shoulders,
Pleading I Take Caution;
(Swallowing The Roach As It Smolders.)
“The Intellect Of A Girl Coward Within A Corner,
Preferring To Observe:
Is An Encased Reality, Too Confined For Her.
People Such As You And I,
Wish For Nothing In Love…
A Partner To Co-exist Amongst,
(A Perfect Fit Glove.)
However:
If We Symbolize Perfect Representations,
(As The Other Perceives “Ideal”.)
Can We Actually Mutate Our Own Ways?
(To Accommodate Each-other,)
Into Our Own Self Revolving Universal Sways?
We Are The Images Of Your Fantasies.
*Whispers*
We Are The Ones That Are Gonna Last Forever.”
Staggering,
Coming Down From A Lustful Poison:
I Take A Rest,
Gathering The Shatters Of My Emotional Cloisonné.
“If This Reality Revolves Around Your Assumptions;”
Expressed In Shared Artistic Galleria,
“Is This Test But Based Upon Idea?
As Everyone Is,
Exactly What Time Can Reveal Themselves As.
What Makes Anyone Believe Any Presumptions?
Assumptions That Haven’t Become Placed As A Distraction?
A Labyrinth Of Obstacles,
(Used In Defense,)
To Confuse,
(Anyone,)
From Actually Finding:
What Is…
Are You Expressing There’s Beyond Doubt, He Exists?
(An Intellectual Understanding; Lacking Chastisement.)
Able To Distinguish Lies;
From Personality Detachment?”
She Pierced My Soul;
A Response Projecting One Single Look To Engulf.
“Do Not Group A Sheep With A Wolf:
Nothing Is Ever What Is Seems With A Bull.
Think, Be, Live, See What You Wish.
Deduct Your Reasoning:
The False Aptitude You’ve Been Given Is But A Jellyfish.
Propped Up Upon Your Self Proclaimed Thrown,
(Pieced To Perfection,)
It’s All You’ve Ever Known.
It’s What You’ve Always Wanted:
(Right?)
Welcome To The American Dream:
When The Job Becomes A Wife,
(And A Love Your Mistress.)”
As We Sat Beneath The Foliage,
(Burning Leaves To Catch Our Breath,)
Vivian Jumps Before Me To Proclaim Her Death;
A Lullaby To Sing Post Miscarriage, Inept.
“Once Upon A Time:
There Was A Princess,
A Bull In a China Cabinet,
(Rather.)
Though Rare And Difficult To Attain;
(At Perfect Harmony,)
A Determined Bull Will Always Be Enticing.
Though,
The China Cabinet May Ruin;
In The Slightest Scare You Walk Away…
(Fear Of Blood.)
You Always Return To Repair The Glass.
For A Sheep Will Never Fulfill,
Stimulate,
(Satisfy,)
To The Extent Of The Bull.
A Painted Dresser Will Never Appeal;
Toward The Eye,
Which Once Adored A Now Broken Glass,
(Devine Toll.)
This Unsatisfied Longing Will Lead A Prince To Become Mad:
Picking Up Every Last Sliver To Attain The Anomaly,
(He Once Cherished.)
The Bull Will Great Him,
With The Up-most Dazed Eye;
(Patiently Awaiting His Gentle Diligence.)
And As Stunning Rays Of Gold Shout,
(Within His Pupil,)
Stretching Their Beauty From A Hazel Eye;
Through The Last Parcel Of Glass.
The Mess Will Become Forgotten,
(Mistakes Overlooked,)
Leaving Nothing:
A Boy And A Girl,
A Prince And His Fragile Princess,
Tattoos…
And A Bull In A China Cabinet.”
She Takes Her Bow,
Pleasantly Comparable;
(Within An Imaginary Stage.)
I Chuckled,
She Inhaled Toke Remarkably Slow.
Vivian Snapping In Response,
“If Your Audience Only Knew:
These Flashy Lights And Sparkle?
(A Well Polished Blanket, Scenting Burnt Sage:)
The Cinderblocks You Hide Yourself Behind,
Forgetting You Were Born For The Stage?
A Jaded Child,
(The Best Act In The Business!)
Your Tricks And Mirrors:
(Reviled Only By The Intelligent;)
Push Past The Faux,
*Whispers*
Discover Your Truth,
Keep Your Mind Low.”
Sober Consequences For Inebriated Actions,
(Haunt Me.)
She Smoked Up Real Close,
Extricating Lust From Claiming My Conscience:
“Life’s Too Short To Live Suppressing Your Desire.
One Day,
It Will Be to Late:
A Lipstick Stain,
On The Lip Of An Empty Coffee Mug.
Run Away, Tonight:
Chase Me Down The Rabbit Hole.”
She Point Her Body Toward A Fog Covered Path…
Vibrations Of Hymn,
“You Afraid?
(The Earthquake’s Aftermath;)
Force Yourself, A Laugh.”
I Came Upon An Opening Within The Trees:
A Platform In Time,
(Hazed In Bind.)
A Silhouette Arrive Within The Mist,
The Elephant Man Appeared With A Twist:
This Prophet Had Become Broken,
(Lost,)
Within This Dark Forest’s Face.
Disheveled,
Drunken,
A Sad Light Encased,
(Within Muck…)
Avoiding Potential Luck,
(For Taste.)
The Mist Of Ego Prevent Clear Vision To See,
(Spiritual Beings Dim Dark As Can Be.)
I Laid Down A Gift Amongst The Green:
A Letter To Match,
(Attempt To Become Seen.)
Little Boxes,
Boxes Upon The Hilltop,
Presented Pleasantly Keen:
Yellow, Blue, Purple, Green…
Not All Boxes Are Equal,
(Some Require Divine Intervene.)
To Know Even One Soul Has Breathed Easier:
(Because You Have Lived.)
This Is To Have Succeeded:
This Is To Become Revived,
(To Have Lived.)
I Believe I Have Decided:
I Shall Become A Frog.
A Rainbow Colored Frog:
With Aqua Eyes And Bright Green Pupils.
Beauty Is The Worst Curse One Could Aquire.
I May Not Have Much:
I Have Love To Give Eternal Lore,
(That’s All Anyone Can Dream For.)
There May Be Plenty Of Fish In The Sea,
Though,
When Your Heart Is Set On A Lionfish…
(A Tuna Could Never Suffice Thee.)
Sometimes:
I Ponder How The World Works.
A Never-ending Cycle Of Knowledge I Crave,
(To Wrap My Brain Around.)
No Day Is The Same:
Continue Looking For New Aspects Of Our Existence,
(Disregard Projected Blame.)
An Accumulation Of Cells,
Eternally Growing To Reproduce;
Combined With Conciousness…
(And Tact Of Use.)
To Know The Connection:
Between Scientific Makeup,
Verses Spirituality,
Is Fascinating…
At Least It Is To A Frog;
(Dreaming Amongst The Sea.)
I Told Him I Was A She-wolf;
He Only Saw The Sheep Crouched Within.
While Counting Orchids,
Her Hummingbird Pays Visit:
(The Key Unjustly Misplaced By Sin.)
She Can Read My Thought,
She Flows Within:
Entering My Iris With Ease,
(Slithering Smoke, Taught.)
“A Life Spent Attempting To Impress:”
She Digress Within My Chest,
“Worrying Amongst Others Impressions?
This Is No Life At All, You’ll Find.
Live Fast,
Die Wise.
Do Not Dwell On Past Love-Drenched Lies:
If One Cannot See Unique Beauty,
(Another Will.)
They Will Accept Your Weird Antics,
(The Skeletons,)
The Struggles…
Cast Out Those Keeping You Small.
Let Your Heart Become Free:
Love Unconditionally Tall,
Share And Listen…
You’d Be Surprised;
(How Simple It Can Be To Fall.)”
Today:
There Was You,
And As The Sun Crept Across The Mountain,
We Were Intertwined…
(Our Chests Bare, In Tune.)
Little Girls Are Always Filled With Pansies,
(Dreams Of Love…)
Until The Rain Never Comes…
Her Dreams Fall As BBs Through A Dove;
(A Lost Favored Glove.)
Should You Misjudge Her Generosity?
(That An Act Of A Harlot;)
In Reality,
‘Twas Mistrust Within Dead Thought.
These Things,
(Those Which Keep Life Beautiful,)
They’re Often Overlooked.
The Majestic Array Of Sienna And Gold,
Stretching Across The Horizon:
The Sun Lay Down,
Dressing It’s Land Bedizen.
The Esthetic Sound:
Morning Birds Harmonizing,
Within Darkness Of A Newborn Morn.
The Sexual Beauty Of Lipstick Stained
Upon The Butt Of An Unlit Crutch,
Knowing The Simplistic Pleasure
Within That Woman’s Relaxation.
These Are The Things That Keep Me Breathing:
These Are My Prized Possessions.
“She Doesn’t Know:
She’s Beautiful…
A Golden Heart Filled Plentiful.”
(Vivian Piping In From Amongst The Foliage.)
I’m A Walking Disaster:
You’ll Regret You Made Me…
It’s To Late To Save Me.
Vivian’s Snarling Teeth And Red Lips Hiss:
“To Speak Of Things!
Out Of Ignorance!
A Narcissistic Addiction,
(To One’s Own Lack Of Esteem.)
I Bumble:
“I Swear, There Is No Perfection Within My Words.
(No Certainty Within My Thoughts,)
Little Confidence Within My Actions.”
She Straightens My Spine,
One Last Time.
“Just Remember:
Those Who Doubt,
Will See.
Black, White, Blue;
Betrayal, Ignorance, Selfishness…
(And Greed.)
Those Who Question,
Are Bound To Learn:
A Narrow Scope Leaves Little Room,
(Whilst Preparing Such Turn.)
This Beautiful Symbiosis Creates:
(Mutual Understanding.)
Never Underestimate Those Who Bleed,
(Within True Color;)
The Masks,
(And The Faces Beneath,)
Do Not Faultier The All Seeing Eye…
(Of Truth.)
*Vivian Whispers Within My Conch*
I Always Get What I Want…
And You’re No Exception.’”
She Vanished Before My Eyes,
Once Again ‘On My Own’ For Size.
I Sat Next To A Rushing River;
Counting The Ripples,
Simultaneously Crashing Within One-Another.
It Was Water Flowing Toward The Sea:
Welcoming Loneliness,
(Branded Inside Me.)
I Sat And Observed:
All The Pallid Bubbles,
(Floating Above My Head.)
I Lowered My Tone,
“Can I Express Myself?
(Excuse Me For The Intrusion:)
Could One Plus One Equal Two,
(Endless Nights Have Turnt Me Blue.)
I’m Just A Face Within The Crowd,
Singing Toward A “Wounded Healer”:
My Shredded Heart-Strings Screech…
(Blushingly Loud.)
I’ve Found:
Isn’t It A Pitty?
This Turmoil?
(Fucking Shitty.)
The Highs Are Godly:
(The Lows Near Death.)
Stalled:
(I Sit Here…)
Gasping To Catch Breath.
The Ups,
(The Downs…)
It’s A Goddamn Deadly Coaster Ride.
A Piece Of Discarded Plastic,
(Ebb And Flow…)
Synchronized Tide.
And I Fucking Cried…
I Cried Until The Sea Spewed Jealousy.
My Mind Blank:
(Perfectly Placed,)
Shards Of Glass,
(Installed Ever So Delicately…)
Within My Heart,
(Live Fast.)
I Begged For Rock Bottom:
(I Desire To Paint Love.)
I Dropped My Guard,
(Emotions Shoved;)
Within A Pretty Little Box…
Placed Amongst A Shelf,
Lost Within An Assortment Of Discarded Clocks.
How Does One Write A Love Story?
(It Never Seems To Unfold,)
Failed Attempts:
All Stories Are Untold…
Until They Aren’t.
Thank You For Saving Me.”
I Turn To Coward:
The Elephant Mumbles,
Beneath Drunken Hiccups And Depression Slime;
(Covered In Muck.)
My Newly Shifted Spine;
Claimed A Ringing In Time.
“Excuse Me?
(I May Promote Distaste:)
Have You Dulled Yourself Incapable;
(Recognizing Divine Gifts?)
Your Soul Begged the Universe For Just This.
Why Patronize?
Did You Enjoy It?
(Back When You Were I?)
Mustering Courage To ‘Keep Going’…
(Accumulating Judgement Of Your Potential;
You’ve No Idea,
The Artistic Baggage I’m Towing.
I’m Developing A Publishing Platform:
(One Based On Truth And Heart,)
“Freedom Of Thought”.
Untangling My Own Mind,
(An Audition Of Love:)
Written And Published,
(In Real Time.)
A Test Of Divinity,
(Against Each Deadly Sin…)
Proof Of My Own Eternal Worth:
Avoid “The Game”,
(Love Festers From Within.)
I Broke Myself,
(Year 25,)
I Begged To The Heavens,
“Please Do Not Take Me.”
I Made A Promise That Day:
Sacrifice My Own Life…
A Soldier;
(Against Human Decay.)
“Sell My Soul,”
(Or So You Could Say.)
You Could Not Understand,
(Elephant Man,)
I’m A Trilogy From A Musical…
(A Story Unlike Any Before,)
For This Story…
Is Me:
(Written In Rhythmic Lore.)
You Wanna Play Tit For Tat?
I’ll Challenge A Profit,
(I’m No Longer A Door Mat.)
You Know That Itch?
(I Feel It Too…)
I Hope You Recognize,
You’re On A Deadly Spiral,
(Noticeable To Few.)
The Green Bled Grey Within Your Eyes,
Could You Know What It’s Like?
(Hidden Deep Within Lies?)
So Deep,
Your Mind Begins To Play Games:
Are You Ignoring Such Important Self Work?
Remain Tamed?
(A Beating Heart Saturated Of Toxic Stains…)
Or Maybe,
Could You Be Hiding Behind Complaints?
Claiming:
“No One Could Understand Me…”
Unable To Express Yourself;
(Without Constraints.)
It’s Lonely Up Here…
The Price To Pay:
“Hyper-Intellectuality.”
It’s The Curse Of Mediocrity To Stay…
(Isn’t It?)
I Dote Upon My Own Talent Within A Full Moon…
Talk To You Soon.”
His Mind Was Wrapped In Soup Bowls,
One On Each Side Of The Head:
Enthralled In Playing With Spiders,
Swimming In Toxic Lead.
I Found A Little Box,
Similar To Before:
Next To A Psychedelic Fungi,
I Peered Within, Once More.
The Writing Unscripted;
Within Lay Plugs For Ears.
Harmony Flows In:
Insecta Forced Out,
Lay To Rest Old Fears.
I Hear The Shore:
A Beating Of My Heart, Sound…
“See You Around.”
#Poetry#Poetic Novel#Poetry Online#Love Poetry#Dark Poetry#Poetic#Alternative Literature#New Reads Online#Poetic Fiction#Into The Foresy#Reading Online#Free Poetry Online#Poetic Blogs#Fictional Blogs#Sparkes Ink.#sparkes ink#sparkesink#tj sparkes#TJ Sparkes#Taunie Jade#Taunie jade#tj sparks#sparks ink#sparks inc#sparkes inc#publishing#publishing platform#independent publishers#best publishing platform for artists#best publishing platform for Poetic authors
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Participantes do Curta-metragem Eu Preciso Saber são homenageados pela Acia
O filme com pouco mais de 16 minutos tem direção e roteiro de Luana Cavalcante, produção executiva de Jade Azevedo, Fotografia de Leonardo Siqueira e edição de Rodrigo Pyqui.
O curta-metragem Eu Preciso Saber conta um trecho da história dos ex-prefeitos José Batista Júnior e Adhemar Santillo, do ex-secretário de Indústria e Comércio, Dr. Mozart Soares, e do ex-secretário de Cultura, Tauny Mendes. Os personagens deste filme foram os homenageados dos empresários de Anápolis durante a reunião ordinária da Associação Comercial e Industrial da cidade (Acia) realizada…
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Chapter 14:
Such Is, The American Dream
How Does One Write…
(When One Has Nothing To Write Upon?)
No Desperate Tragedy…
No Thrilling Woe.
My Rains,
(My Snout…)
Never Forced,
(Still Out.)
The Most Difficult Task,
(Writing Upon A Wim…)
Not Which Becomes A Light Source,
(Discarded Amongst The Gray…)
But That Of The Smiles Which Roll Astray.
The Memories That Stay,
Through A Drought-Full Snow…
Never…
(Really,)
Mattered…
We Always Destined…
(Take Such Blow.)
I Had Never Imagined,
(The Difficulty…)
“Catch What You Sow…”
I Really Just Hope,
I Did Not Catch The Bow…
Allow Intellect,
(Power To Tow.)
Slow,
Sweet Ebb And Flow.
Only One Little Thing:
(Keep My Mind Low.)
This Internet Shit Is Much Harder Than It Seems…
Seamless Integration,
Flawless Digital Frustration…
Hours Upon Hours Of Choices To Feed…
How Many Algorithm Marketing Targets Do I Need?
Constant Change,
(A Living Thing…)
Creating A Robot,
(Behind Your News Feed.)
Good Money Spent:
(Just One Moment Of Your Time…)
Try Being More:
Sensible,
(Simply,)
Speaking In Rhyme…
There Is No Easy Feet,
While Introducing Something New.
There Is No Target Audience,
(Per-say,)
In Lieu.
There Is No,
(One,)
Industry We Fall Within.
Shall We Write Code?
(Leaving Artistic Voice Shackled And Thin?)
Maybe The Camera Feel Cold?
While Contracts Come Tackled,
(Spattered Upon Tin.)
How Can So Many Things,
All Come Shining Their Rings…
And I’m Expected To Succeed…
(You Don’t Know:)
Not A Single Itch Of This Presentation…
Is Procured By Any Other…
(Than Me.)
One Little Girl,
Four Personalities…
All Separate In Their Beautiful Talents.
How Could Anyone Know…
(She Performs The Full Trapeze.)
Not A Building,
No Projects…
(Between Groups…)
Just Me;
(Here,)
Trying Not To Cry.
Pushing A Project:
(I Never Got To Practice.)
I Didn’t Go To College For Computer Science…
A Whole Degree Dedicated:
(The Science Of Marketing…)
I Didn’t Ask For This Work…
As It Laid It’s Beautiful Head Upon My Chest.
I Was Given This Burden,
To Think And Create…
To Reach The Stars:
Give Them All Back…
(Sensibly Late.)
Heaven Forbid,
We Use Our Word,
To Speak…
(To Talk.)
Create Conversation,
(Substituting Reaction To Mock.)
We Are Forced Language Of Societal Choosing,
From The Moment We Enter This World.
Here,
(Upon This Earth…)
Within This Reality,
At This Exact Moment In Time:
We Grow,
We Forget How To Talk…
We Let All Of The Bullshit Hide,
(Who We Really Are Inside.)
That Happy Child,
Giggling With Your Mother…
She Raspberries Your Little Baby Belly.
She Kisses Your Forehead:
Promising Beauty Within Life.
Unconditional Love,
(Regardless Societal Strife.)
Though,
(At Some Moment…)
For Some:
Brief…
A Loss At Happenstance…
(A Loss Of Seconds To Breathe.)
For Others:
An Extensive Span Of Trauma And Fear,
Acceptance Washed,
(Blatantly Clear.)
Do You Understand Fear?
Months Turned Years,
Consistent Fears:
Fear To Open The Front Door,
Fear Of Anything,
(Aside The Shore.)
I Broke Myself.
I Ignored Myself.
I Allowed Others To Abuse Me,
(Shamed The Woman I Could Be.)
I Feel Sick,
Consistently At War:
I’ve Fought My Whole Life,
(My Truth Resides Within My Lore.)
Do You Think I’m Privileged?
(I’ve Been Given A Hand Up?)
Could You Realize It All Came At A Price?
Do You Understand Manipulative Narcissistic Strife?
It Flows As The Waves Within The Sea,
(Maybe This Is Why It Consistently Captivates Me.)
Though I Have Only Begun To Live This New Life:
One Of Health,
Truth,
Integrity,
(And Dignity…)
All Those Dark Memories:
Transparently Vibrant Through Stained Glass.
I’ve Been On This Emotional Ride Since Birth,
I Am Their Narcissistic Supply,
(Second Class.)
“My Worth”:
Highs And Lows,
“You’re Impressively Bland,”
“You’re Intelligently Stupid,”
“You’re Non Like The Rest,
As Soon As She Breaks,
Make Haste:
Take Her To The Test!”
Round And Round,
I Tumble Through Sea Foam,
An Eternity Caught,
(A Weightless Tomb.)
Little “B”,
So Soft And Sweet Was She.
She Crawled Beneath Her Bunk Bed,
Just A Moment To Breathe.
Forced To Obey,
Shunned If She Don’t Stay.
She Just Did Not Want To Play,
(With That Little Girl,)
A Girl Who’s Cousin Fondled Her,
(Post Six Years From A Six Year Old Twirl.)
She Moved Each Toy,
All Those Soiled Clothes,
She Placed Herself Perfectly…
Between The Mattress And The Floor.
She Only Six At The Time…
She Didn’t Understand,
(Emotional Manipulative War.)
She Didn’t Understand,
She Deserved Her Respect,
Her Heart Under-defined:
(“Sore”.)
She Hid Under That Bed,
Gasping For Breath;
Rocking Back And Forth,
Both Hands Entangled Her Head.
She Sat There Crying,
Though Silent She Must Be…
For If Anyone Found Her,
(Emotional Scrutiny.)
She Learned To Sob Silently:
(No One Let’s The Girl Just Be.)
She Tucked Her Tears Within A Sock,
Bit Her Lip And Listened,
Counting The Clock…
Curious How Long She Could Disappear,
Before They Even Noticed,
“She’s Not Here.”
One Hour,
Two?
(None Hadn’t A Clue…)
Till Finally Her Mother Came Ringing Through…
She Heard Her Panic,
Thirty Minutes Gone By…
Is It Fucked Up,
She Enjoyed It?
(Hearing Mom Cry.)
They Called The Police,
Worried She Had Been Taken;
She Finally Wiggled,
(Mountains Of Emotion Shaken,)
Out Of Her Room,
(Snot Encasing The Entirety Of Her Face,)
Why Couldn’t You Understand,
(She Isn’t At Home In This Place.)
She Was Escorted To The Side Walk,
Directly Affront Her Claim.
She Sat Silent As The Officer Explain,
“You Cannot Hide From Your Parents,
This Is Bad.”
So What If She Is Sad?
So What If She Has No Name,
So What If She Is Human,
So What She Lives In Shame?
She Is Six,
(Just Her Parents Property.)
Never Hit,
Welted Below The Belt…
(Emotionally Scarred.)
Never Bled,
(Controlled,)
“The Person She Is…
(Must Be Discard.”)
“She Is Not Allowed To Be,
(The One She Is Meant To See,)
She Only Allowed To Be,
(The One I Want To See!)”
Her Desires Shot,
Her Goals,
‘Just Silly Dreams…’
(Even Early Graduation Wasn’t Satisfactory To Thee.)
Her Dean’s List Scholars,
Scholarships At Sixteen…
“She Could Have Done Better,
Had She Only Listened To Me…
Had She Only Let Me Direct Her Life,
(Listened As A Sheep,)
Maybe She Would Be Normal,
Maybe She Wouldn’t Be…
(A Fucking Head Case,)
Maybe She Would Finally Sleep.
She Could Live And Become ‘Normal’,
If She Would Only Just ‘Play The Game’…
Since She Refuse,
We Mock Her In Exasperating Blame.”
Forward To Twenty-one Years,
(Now Enthralled Within Devine Game:)
A Rabbit Called,
His Eye Yellow Amongst A Brunette Mane.
He Scurried Diligently Amongst My Toes,
Furry Innocence Disregard Hidden Foes.
I Offered Him My Guidance,
A Compass Found,
(Hanging Amongst The Fir…)
The Rabbit Shook His Tale In Great Exuberance,
My Third Eye Cringed Within Prominent Clairvoyance.
I Had Been Wandering For Days Amongst These Trees,
(I Hadn’t Expected To Find Creatures Such As These.)
The Rabbit Was First,
He Spoke Aloud,
(Whispered,)
Follow Me,
(I’ll Show You Around.)
All This Time Rummaging From Within The Trees,
Consistently Trudging Muck,
(Seeping Between The Leaves.)
He Turned Timid,
Around And Around,
Figure-eights Between Each Tree:
Before A Days Pass,
He Guided Me,
Beyond The Forest Entrance,
(Amass.)
I Forfeited Precious Time Progressing,
(Before Encountering You!)
“I’m Back Where I Fucking Started!
You Beady Eyed Fool!”
The Rabbit Appeared Different,
(His Eye Gold Sprouting Orange:)
“Don’t You Get It?
I’m Not Here To Help You.
You Should Have Taken Interest,
(Within Prior Warn.)
Enjoy Trudging Back,
Dusk Covers Within Mist Until Morn.”
Then Out Of The Muck,
This Yellow-eyed Rabbit Disappear.
Leaning In Close With One Ear…
“FUCK!”
Kicking The Mud,
My Heart Sweltered Within My Chest,
My Knees Buckled,
(Demanded Rest.)
One Should Never Follow The Rabbit:
(Fuck That Rabbit.)
Forgive My Language,
I Was Never One To Censor…
(I Should Have Procured A Sponsor.)
Here,
Returned Upon The Beginning.
(Happy Anniversary To Me;)
3/14,
Another Beginning To Be.
I Suppose We Shall Try Again:
Follow My Heart,
Close What That Yellow Eyed Rabbit Left Tart,
Sever A Clean Part.
Keep The Soul,
Sponge The Rest.
Remain Hopeful,
(This Is Not A Final Test.)
I Suppose,
(To Me,)
It Seems Unbearable:
To Pull Myself From The Muck,
A Constant Reminder,
Slivers Of Luck,
(Fuck.)
Purchased Clothing To Tuck,
To Be Taken Into Success,
Without A Harvey Weinstein Conclusion…
(Business Fueled By Your Sucking Skills;)
I Digress.
No One Ever Talks About Modification Discrimination:
A Projected Judgmental Temptation,
Toward Self Expression.
Sighted Within The Way The Eyes Glaze,
Creases,
(Between The Sinus,)
Laze.
Projecting Yourself As A Business Cog:
“Don’t Quit Your Job.”
Bouncing Baby Blue,
Upon One Hip Or Two?
Can You Meet Next Wednesday?
Let Us Print Money For Few,
Don’t Mind The Toddler Fingers,
Find Purpose For My Mouth,
(En Lieu.)
Don’t Mind The Baby Babble,
(Mommy Wears Twenty Hats, Too.)
What Shall It Be Today?
Manning Landscape Stats?
Emotional Abuse?
(Milk Toppled By Stray Cats.)
Mommy And Me,
Climbing Counters,
(Refuse To Leave Be.)
Business Woman Performance:
A Joke,
(Scuffing Down Toke,)
Gaining Courage To Speak…
(To Other Folk.)
When Does This Feel Good?
When Does Satisfaction Creep My Soul?
(As I’m Told It Should.)
Such An Interesting Observation;
(In Which I Stand Alone.)
Expressing My Soul…
To Feel Sensation:
(A Cold And Lonely Tone.)
Choosing Printing Paper,
Juggling A Tired Toddler,
I Hold Her For Hours While Yawns Taper…
Which Ink Can Finally Coddle Her?
Could I Choose To Become A Cloud?
I Would Never Become “To Loud”.
I Would Never Drag Myself Through Sharpened Glass,
No Results Within My Mass.
I Could Be Beautifully Gazed Upon For All To See,
(While Remaining Far-away…)
Intact,
(With My Dignity.)
Removing Myself From Toxicity,
(Festering Within Such Simplicity.)
I Dream Upon Days,
(Lost In Daze,)
With Him…
Fizzled Out Of Adolescent Faze.
Fingers,
(Twirling My Hair Up Within Them.)
Coffee In Bed,
Date Nights In Red,
Laughing,
Exuding Such Needed Encouragement Said.
“Good Morning Beautiful,”
Every Morning.
A Hazel Eye That Never Projects A Bore…
A Look That Never Dies,
Such Relationship,
(Containing Exclusive Polite Lies.)
Weekends In Adventure,
Dreamer Talk Of Tenure,
Clouds Positioned To Lend An Ear…
Speaking Of Peace And Beauty,
Without A Reminder Of The Muck…
Gaining Momentum…
(Circling Near.)
Appreciation Of The Highs,
Consideration Of The Lows,
(An Anchor Lent Each Time It Shows.)
Walks Along The Beach,
Ability To Intellectually Teach…
A Woman,
(Who Is Anything But What She Wants To Be.)
A Smart Ass,
(Behind An Extended Vocabulary.)
Something Equivalent,
(Capable In Loving What Cannot Become Seen.)
Am I Lost?
Naïve?
Exclusive Denial Of What My Soul Is Screaming?
My Tower Leaning,
My Foundation Feening…
(Freely Poured Concrete…)
In Which Will Not Crack Under Pressure.
A Sentiment Of Force Capable To Hold,
(A Collapsing Infrastructure,)
Containing Such Vast Weight,
(Others Incapable Of Supportive Toll.)
A Crumbling “Eighth World Wonder,”
Supporting It’s Self Under Continuous Richter…
Acknowledging Important Features,
Cracking Off Remaining Seizures…
(Demolishing Pertinent Structures…)
Praying To A One-way Conversation…
(Within Myself.)
I Am Sick Of Being Sick.
Left Alone,
(Head Filled With Ideas Of “Home.”)
Just Let This Pressure,
(Excruciating Weight From Within My Chest,)
Dissipate…
Allow “Sensibly Late” To Mark Date…
I’ve Only Ever Desired Peace,
(Within Myself.)
Countless Influential People Project The Same Bore:
“Follow Your Dreams, Determination Hangs Sore…”
When Does A Lifetime Of Unfortunate Events End?
When Will I Be Given Time To Mend?
What Is Time But A Linear Bend?
If There Is No Beginning…
(Subsequently,)
There Is No End.
All Versions,
Within All Realities,
Upon All Timelines:
(Alive And Vibrant,)
Simultaneously Thrive.
Amongst A Paradox,
(Created Within Such A Reality,
Accepted Through Current Consciousness…)
Somewhere,
Along Some Timeline,
Within Such Reality,
Procured Through Such A Paradox…
In Which I Have Made This Work Worth Something.
At This Very Moment,
In A Linear Timeline,
Upon A Parallel Paradox;
I Have Succeeded.
The String Of Unfortunate Events Severed…
The Curse Lifted From My Ora.
I’m Left Staring Within This Same Pacific Ocean,
(Washed Away With The Sand.)
What Does This All Mean?
(Why Me?)
Why Have I Been Chosen To Endure This Strife?
Why Must A Devine Test Be Inflicted Upon This Life?
Why Am I Here?
(A Breeze Guided Me Near.)
Why Hasn’t This Happenstance Become Clear?
When Will This Trepidation Recede?
Will I Remain Humble If Encased Within Greed?
Eight Years Of Sorrow And Woe,
(Why Does This Fucking Novel Breed Such Daunting Tow?)
WHY AM I HERE?
WHY CAN I NOT SEE CLEAR?
AM I FACED TO ACEND WITHIN THE MIRROR?
WHY AM I FUCKING HERE?!?
What’s This Ship Got To Do With Anything?
Why These Sands?
Why This Bay?
It Felt So Natural,
(Before We Came To Stay…)
The Cosmos Were Ringing,
Guiding Me Amongst This Shore,
Now Enthralled In Silence,
Saturated Within Thirty Days,
(Blood And Pain,)
Payment For This Lore.
I Peer Amongst These Ruins,
(Sunken Deep Within Our Sands…)
What Does This Old Ship Have To Do With Anything?
What Am I Doing?
I Moved My Family,
Upon Premonition And Happenstance:
Guided Transition With Ease…
I Just Cannot Find My Purpose…
(Amongst These Seas.)
It’s As Though I Should Just Call It;
(Wave My White Flag And Surrender.)
Live Within Death:
Pull My Life Together,
(Ascender.)
I Cannot Seem To Convince,
Which I Am Meant
A Fruit Gathered,
(From Purposeful Quince.)
Am I Writing In The Wrong Direction?
(I Cannot Seem To Find My Way.)
What Could I Become?
In Such Case Of Succession?
This Lore Is All I’ve Ever Known…
My Key To Contentment Unknown.
How Could I Continue This Dream?
(My Work Greatly Unseen.)
I Came Here Upon This Day,
To Wave Goodbye To My Bay.
To Kiss My Waves One Final Day:
I Kiss The Earth Which This Tattered Ship Lay.
I Cannot Continue This Silly Nonsense,
I Must Learn To Become Practical;
Build A Wall Around My Heart,
Coated Kevlar Tactical.
The Coroner Always Gets His Way,
(Impractical To Believe I Could Stay…)
Something Happened:
(I Have Black Chunks Re-written Within My Memory…)
A Night Called An Instance…
A Body Arrested Through Our Back Gate…
I Couldn’t Recall The Melody…
A Tiny Girl,
Standing In Our Backyard So Late.
I Saw The Police Escort Him,
(From Back Through To Front,)
Why Was I There?
Did I Come Out To Confront?
I Was Told Our Chow Chow Bit Him…
(That Couldn’t Become Correct?)
For Had This Been Truth,
My Jazmine Girl Would’ve Become Laid To Rest…
Were We Victim To Common Burglary?
Or Maybe…
I A Victim Of Something Grotesque.
Why Are All Other Moments,
(Surrounding This,)
A Blackened Mess?
Just One Slide,
Seared Within My Psyche…
Just One Man,
Blood Dripping Down One Pant Upon A Lichee.
Two Officers Restraining Each Hand…
Walking Through My Back Gate;
My Mother Weeping Amongst The Blue And Red,
Authoritative Lights:
(Illuminating A Common Cul-de-sac…)
Why Was I In Back?
How Did I Get There?
Where Is The Archive;
(These Memories In Which I Lack?)
This Chapter Is Shit, Any-who.
Written From Within The Desperation:
An Unemployed Failure,
Female,
Tattooed,
(And Equally Discriminated.)
I Don’t Think Many Realize,
I Manage Traffic Analytics…
Do You Know What It Is Like?
Working Diligently Upon A Project;
Simultaneously,
Nineteen Months Only One…
One Single Human Came To Visit.
Do You Know What It Is Like?
Explaining Brilliance:
To Pinheads In Suits Of Murk?
Endless Determination,
Anxiety Loaded,
(Maximum Pulsation.)
What Would The Common Human See?
If Only To Look Past This Cover,
Do My Tattoos Cause Anxiety To Flee?
Could It Be?
For What Purpose Could You Possibly Leave?
Pretending To Understand,
When I Prove Fact:
(You’ve Never Even Ventured One Page Through This Land,)
Though,
You’ve Graciously Provided Patronize,
(Enveloping Strength In Which You Lack.)
Such A Shame,
A Vortex Cannot Become Undeveloped,
(Once Given Life To Breathe…)
This Story Cannot Become Untold,
(Reaction To Mature To Leave.)
Could You Evaporate Within The Fog?
Lending An Ear Amongst This Slimy Log?
Maybe It’s Just Ahead Of It’s Time…
Maybe,
(One Day…)
My Words Will Not Become Overlooked…
Maybe You’ll Investigate;
(A Thorough Understanding Of This Song.)
I Make Others Feel Uncomfortable?
(Speaking My Truth Is Unavoidable…)
How Can You Possibly Judge?
(There Has Been No Company Enthralled Within My Work.)
This Story Lay Stagnant:
Tattered Memories Of A Warrior Lurk.
Then Again,
Who Ever Cared About The Survivor?
Veterans Homeless,
Left Within Insanity Amongst The Street…
A Jungle Few Understand,
Portraying Images Of War,
Within Survival Upon Distant Land.
Have You Been Without Shelter?
Do You Understand The Terror?
Sleeping In A Tent,
Praying For A Lucky Start…
Sleeping In The Back Of A Festiva,
(Two Lovers Between Two Dogs Is An Art.)
Have You Ever Woken Up On a Stranger’s Floor?
Thanking The Sun For Another Day Of Lore…
Have You Experienced A Soul Saturated In Blood Stains?
(Those Chosen For Greatness Are Greatly Maimed.)
Do You Understand What It Could Feel Like?
The Pain Of Hunger Outweighs Pain Of Plasma Donations,
Joining Medical Research Studies,
Finances Supplied Only A Few Brief Moments To Breathe…
And You Look At ME?
“Don’t Quit Your Day Job…”
I Should Petition The Gods In Which I Dedicated My Soul,
But Then…
That Would Become Wrath…
And In Doing So I Endure Disown,
From This Pursuit Of Becoming “Whole”.
I Ponder Amongst My Thoughts:
How Dare You?
Patronizing Something,
(You Never Even Gave A Chance.)
A Research Experiment In Sloth And Judgment:
Could One Become So Busy?
Not Even A Seconds Chance?
Before Discarded?
(Lousy?)
There Will Become A Day,
Where Those Whom Shunned,
Come Flowing In Throughout Our Bay…
They Will Pretend To Believe In Divine Things,
(I Know They Only Bare Steel Woven Strings…)
I Shall Look You Within The Eye,
Plant My Courage As I Say,
“Please, Walk On By.
Your Money Is No Good Here,
For I Had Plans You Could Have Received…
Instead?
You Left Me,
Here To Bleed.
I Cauterized My Wounds,
I Had No Assistance From Greed-written Fools.
There Will Become A Day:
One Glorious,
Relieving Day…
In Which I Will Have Gained This Courage,
Take My Stand,
Show Off This Pearl-Glass Spine,
The One Abandoned Upon Needful Time.
I Will Build This Myself,
I Will Become Relentless…
I Will Show The Judged:
I Cannot Be Rendered Senseless.
You Cannot Break Me:
I Am The Mother Reaper.
“What Exactly Are You Doing?”
There She Was:
Vivian,
(In The Flesh,)
Sitting Amongst That Moss Covered Log,
(Before Me.)
“Didn’t I Explain?
Blatantly Clear?
Your Swimming Within Muck…
It Will Devour You,
You Foolish Buck.
No One Wants To Drown Within Your Quicksand,
Where Is Your Land?
You Sit Around Here,
Swimming In Mud And Blood…
He’s Fucking Waiting For You!
Get Your Ass Up!”
She Held No Consequence,
(A Royal Demeanor:)
I Stop To Acknowledge My Current Surroundings,
Listen To Logic…
Internalize Her…
“How Are You Here?
I Mean, How Are You Within This Chapter?
I Am Alone Here,
Left To Retrospect…
A Blackened Cell Within A Writing Table…
Expected To Secure A Sable Label.”
“You’re Past That, My Love…
You’re Swimming In Muck.”
My Eyes Jaunt Aside,
Then To Beneath…
My Skin Consumed In The Sticky Black Tar…
The Skulled Outlines,
Consuming Me Full…
They Paralyze Your Senses…
Construct False Locations…
“Don’t You Get It?
You’ve Never Left This Lost Forest.”
“For Which Do You Mean I Never Left?”
I Already Pulled Myself Up Out Of The Muck,
Stuck,
Undeniable Quicksand…”
“The Faster You Pull The Quicker They Tuck…
You Must Be Cunning,
Haven’t You Learned Anything?
You Have No Receipt For Luck.
You Must Will It Off,
It Shall Cling To Your Soul If Not.”
Returning Her Casual Ignorance With Scowling Stare:
“That’s All Your Advice?
‘Will It Off’ While You Just Fucking Sit There?”
“Yeah, You’re Being Weak.
Should I Spell It Out For You?”
She, Sitting Upon Her Log:
Joint Cherried Upon One Hand.
She, Lounged:
Weight Shifted Left To Mock,
Legs Crossed Amongst The Dew.
Stiff Fingers Find Smoke Inhalation:
Kissing Fingerprints Along Each Solemn Drag…
“You Saw The Rabbit?”
She Leans In Close,
(Three Inches From My Thigh…)
Whispers:
“It Hurts To Climb High?”
“No,
How Are You Here?
This Breaks All The Rules…
I’m Not Near…
It’s A Black Coated Fear,
This Chapter Is Within Me,
I Cannot Be Within This Lost Forest…
This Is Not Real…”
Within Blinking Seconds:
The Scenery Flicker…
A Dark Interrogation Room,
One Light With That Writing Table Central:
Drowning In Blacked,
Living Tar…
The Mud-blood Creatures Sleeking Upon My Mind…
Gasping For Breath;
One Eye Opened From Between This Slim Kind,
Vivian Kissing Her Joint…
Watching Me Suffer…
The Slime Covers My Mind,
Desperate,
Desperation,
Within That One Table Cell…
She Whispers:
“It’s Coming…
That Dream…
It’s Your’s To Capture,
Doll-face…
You Want Your Salvation?
Your Dreams Turn Reality?
Disregard Temptation?
Just Get Up,
Find Your Way Through This Lost Forest…
The Galaxies Owe You Reciprocated Payment,
You Already Succeeded…
Just Wake Up!”
Devoured Within Blackened Tar,
Jade Sit Within The Corner Of My Cell,
(Right Far.)
Sobbing Amongst Herself…
“I Have A Forest To Navigate,
I Cannot Save Her Here…”
An Unseen Sensation,
A Delicate Hand,
Index And Thumb Clenching My Conch…
Ripping My Ear,
Out From Within The Clear.
“Find Your Will To Walk,
My Subtle Naive Friend…
You Better Prepare:
The Land Beyond This Is A Living Jungle,
The Circus Will Lead Your Final Test…
It’s Coming For You,
All Those Passionate Desires:
Pleads For The Best…
Living Light,
Past The Circus…
Glorious Wonders You Could Never Imagine,
Endless Salvation…
Gifted To Those Suffering Temptation:
You Must Finish,
You’re Meant For This.”
“I Don’t Know If I Am:
My Shoulders Can’t Take Anymore Weight…”
“You Silly Fool,”
Vivian Snarking From Between Strings Of Muck,
(Spiderwebbing My Appearance:)
“Remove The Toxic Parasite Upon Your Luck!”
Sure Enough,
I Straighten My Spine,
Stand Within The Blood,
(Two Vertebrae A Time…)
His Smile Grin Beyond This Blackened Muck…
The Corner,
Disguised In Luck…
His Sweet Face Shift,
Those Green Bifocals Lift…
“You Have No Power Over Me!
Return To Where You Came, Be!”
Within Astonishing Grace,
I Remove His Toxic Control,
Willing Him The Size Of A Rabbit Face.
I Gently Place Him Back Within The Muck…
“You Cannot Control Me,”
I Kiss His Forehead In Empathetic Laze,
“I Cannot Continue As Your Puppet,
Tethered To Abusive Greedy Strings, Ablaze.”
This Little Toy Man,
In This Little Toy Boat…
Evaporated,
Taken Amongst The Creatures,
(Within The Quicksand: Despair.)
Dripping In Toxic Goo,
I Straighten My Spine,
Now Three Vertebrae A Time…
“Ahh, Now You Understand…
The Brave Of Heart,
The Relentless Conquer This Land…
Here,
Wipe Yourself Off,
Inhale This Toke,
Find Relaxing Enjoyment Within Your Cough.”
Vivian Lent Me A Silk Handkerchief,
(From Within Her Brassiere.)
“Now Listen Here,
I’ve Willed Paths Within This Forest:
Three Guarded By Rabbit,
One Left Free And Clear.
Just Follow Your Heart,
You’re Intelligent Around Here:
Wait For Your Moment…
It’s Coming Near.”
She Evaporated Within This Forest Mist,
A Fine,
Black,
Shear,
Delicate,
Smoke Dissipated Before My Iris.
The Handkerchief Now Sizable,
(Equal To That Of A Blanket Towel.)
I Remove The Blood From Amongst My Skin,
Watching The Remanence Dance Amongst The Fabric:
Alive In Devaluation,
Desperation,
(Despair.)
I Look Back Amongst The Muck,
One Final Time:
The Corner’s Greed-Colored Bifocals Sink,
Accompanied With A Porcelain Grin…
I Sat In Grief,
(Watching Them Slip Beyond The Blood, Water Thin…)
“I’m Sorry,
I Am The Mother Reaper…
You Cannot Break Me:
I Must Live Beyond This Mud,
Tasting Of Tin.”
Grief Stricken Relief.
#Poetry#Poetic Novel#Poetry Online#Love Poetry#Dark Poetry#Poetic#Alternative Literature#New Reads Online#Poetic Fiction#Into The Foresy#Reading Online#Free Poetry Online#Poetic Blogs#Fictional Blogs#Sparkes Ink.#sparkes ink#sparkesink#tj sparkes#TJ Sparkes#Taunie Jade#Taunie jade#tj sparks#sparks ink#sparks inc#sparkes inc#publishing#publishing platform#independent publishers#best publishing platform for artists#best publishing platform for Poetic authors
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Chapter 12:
The Infirmary
“I Need To Get Out Of Here.”
I Cautiously Lift My Eyelids…
Iodine Wrangling The Hair Within My Nostril.
Limbs,
(Pinned,)
Upon That Same Medical Bed,
Jade Had Placed Me,
(Once Before.)
Right Hip Stretched Low,
Left Arm Tacked High:
Body Torqued,
(Opposite Directions.)
Shrill Noises:
(Protruding Across The Room,)
An Orange Victorian Couch,
(Jade Sitting In Loom.)
Pages Of Thought,
Scattered Across The Flooring Below…
A Crazed Blonde,
(Distinguishing Authentic From Faux;)
Pacing,
(Frantic.)
“Jade…”
I Call My Dear Friend Atlas.
“Jade, Please Release These Shackles…
My Body Will Soon Develop Erysipelas.”
“You Cannot Leave!”
(Jade,)
Crying Out,
(Amongst Incessant Scrambled Thought.)
“You Cannot Abandon Me…
Not You…
(Plead,)
I Desperately Plea.”
“Jade,
I Mustn’t Stay…
This Is Not A Place For Me…
I Will Intimately Console In You,
Though,
I Need To Be Free.”
I Relinquished Her Emotion,
(She Contemplates My Fate.)
“I Will Release Your Torque,
You Must Answer My Bait.”
My Neck Begins To Crack,
(She Lowers The Pressure From This Definite Torture,)
My Body Pulled Opposite,
“You Will Execute My Scorcher?”
A Simple Nod,
(Amongst Excruciating Physical Agony,)
Jade,
Releasing The Shackles Within Perfect Harmony,
(Tearing Me In Two.)
“Do Not Be Fooled,”
Jade’s Temperament Fumbles,
(Soft Coo,)
“He Whom Lit The Last Flame,
Is Not Responsible For The Initial Fuel.
Find Those Responsible,
(Subsequently,)
Your Escape Will Shine Through.”
Pulling My Torso Vertical To The Floor,
Jade Dissipates Through Vapor,
(Within This Thick Atmosphere.)
Lowering My Feet Upon The Lifeless Mourn,
Upon Shifting My Weight Toward An Upward Stance,
My Knees Begin To Creek;
Screwed Together,
(This Is My Chance.)
Rusted Metal,
(Joints Artificially Band.)
A False Hip,
(Significantly Stretched,)
Long Below The Left Hand.
Searing Pain,
Stolen Youth,
(The Grandest Theft,)
Committed By Such Assigned Sleuth.
Viciously Adjusting My Body,
(A Necessity To Functionality,)
“What The Fuck Did She Do To Me?”
Mangled,
Distorted,
Split In Two…
“That Girl Is Too Reckless To Exist Within You.”
A Voice Too Familiar…
(A Bone Chilling Shrew.)
*Click
*Clock
*Tick
*Tock…
The Nurse Approaches In Haste,
I Dart For Her Clawfoot,
(That Poor Girls Disgrace.)
The Hands Within Her Drain Reach Upon Me,
(Dipped In Black Tar,)
I Lose My Balance,
(Topple Forth,)
That Vulgar Mirror Ajar.
“You’re Fucking Fat You Ugly Cow!
How Dare You Try To Fit…
You’re Never Going To Make It,
You Will Fucking Die Here,
Forever Split!”
My Mind Begins To Sever,
Ears Ring,
(Dripping In Rouge Cruor.)
Mind Ablaze,
(A Barbecued Skewer.)
“Shut The Fuck Up!”
I Snarl Toward The Reflection,
(Mocking My Pride.)
“Your Lies Are Fucking Bullshit!
I Am Worth Living,
(Full Stride!)”
I Bash The Glass,
(One Swift Thrash,)
“You Are Done Contorting My Value Of Life!
You Have No Power Over Me!
You Have No Control!
You Cannot Hurt Her,
No More!”
The Glass Shattered,
(Scattered Upon My Toes,)
My Reflection Did Not Show.
The Nurse Grinned Back,
(From Within The Broken Glass,)
Prior To Complete Destruction Of Her Cage.
This Reflective Fate:
(A Manipulative Gauge.)
Mouth Dripping Blood,
A Soft Wisp Of Cabernet,
(Such An Unsettling Sensory Flood.)
“Her Thyroid Is Faulty,
(No Choice Of Her Own,)
A Sluggish Tar,
(Encased Within Her,)
All The Way Down,
(To The Bone.)
The Glass Became Regular,
The Oxygen Shifted Through,
(Thinned.)
The Hands Within The Tub,
One Final Rub,
Tar Covered,
(No More,)
Beautifully Skinned.
I Shuffle My Limbs Through Jade’s Room,
(Feet Scattered With Glass From Before…)
I Dodge This Grim Setting,
“I Mustn’t Forget The Lore.”
Leaping For My Novel,
Placed Delicately Upon The Night Nook,
Jade’s Honesty Convenient Upon Hurried Look.
I Clutch This Wooden Bound Book,
(With All Might I Could Muster:)
Ash Snowing Amongst Me,
(Significant Cluster.)
I Make My Way To The Hallway Abroad,
A Trap,
A Labyrinth,
One Hallway With No Exit,
(It Must Be Flawed.)
I Reminisce Upon Jade’s Prior Wording,
A Flock Of Sheep,
(In Desperate Need Of Herding.)
“I Must Find The Culprit,
Her “Scorcher” For Revenge…
I Shall Find Escape In Stance To Avenge.”
“Maybe I Am Focused Too Literal,
(Within A Land Of Fiction:)
Maybe What I Need To Witness,
A Vaporous Funeral.”
I Close My Eyes,
Standing Vulnerable Within This Checkered Hospital Hallway,
(Gory,)
I Am Listening,
Jade…
“Show Me Your Story.”
The Walls Began To Decay,
Jade Transparent,
(Guided Astray.)
I Watched As Her Boy Morphed,
(Stretched To The Moon And Back,)
Drained Her Of Vulnerability,
(A Lifeless Hack.)
He Sucked Her Dry,
A Moral Vampire,
(When Finished,)
Immerse Her In Sharp Flame Engulfed Spire.
He Locked Her Mechanical Heart Outside Her Beautiful Head,
(Chained To Ensure She Be His Beyond The Dead.)
She Cried To The Joker,
(Fetal Within The Corner…)
He Dissipated Within The Scene,
(Unwilling To Sacrifice A Shallow Routine.)
A Flash Of Light,
(Catching My Shifted Attention.)
I Found Sunset Clouds Amongst The Lighting Fixtures,
(The Escape Jade Made Specific Mention?)
I Reach For The Ceiling,
(Fixtures Cliff Beyond Visual Tension.)
I Ran To The Room,
Dragging That Vintage Couch Upon The Chessboard Below,
Skiff,
Scuff,
(The Key To My Escape En-Tow.)
I Reach For The Sky,
Shifting Delicately Atop The Horizon.
“This Must Be Jade’s Mention,”
(An Escape Shining Through,)
I Sigh In Desperate Relief,
(Prepare For This Beautiful Ascension.)
My Fingers Graze Amongst The Desert Above,
I Begin To Climb,
(Gathering Significant Self Love.)
I Pull My Torso Through That Slender Portal,
Hindered From A Stabbing Reminder,
(I Am Mortal.)
My Right Hip Throbs In Excruciating Shiver,
Jade Clawing Me Down,
Her Blade Pierced In My Side,
(Stuck As A Sliver.)
I Collapse Back Amongst The White And Red,
“You Cheated!
You Assumed I Was Dead!
You Did Not Confront Them!
(Those Who Poured The Fuel,)
You Will Not Leave,
You Didn’t Follow My Rule!”
I Lay Disabled,
Leaking In Fear,
Jade Climbed To The Top,
“I Will Leave You Here!”
She Reached Beyond The Fixtures Cliff,
Climbing Foot By Foot At One Time.
“You Can Stay Here Forever,
The Nurse Will Claim You,
‘You’re Mine!”
A Deep Voice Bellowed From Beyond,
“You Are Not Her,”
Jade Shuddered To Correspond.
A Blast,
A Vibrant Flame,
Bellowing Through The Fixtures Might,
Jade,
(Ablaze,)
Now Fetal Within Her Own Maze.
I Couldn’t Hesitate,
(This Was My Only Chance,)
I Scurried For My Opening,
Praying The Flame Had Finished It’s Dance.
I Climb To The Top,
Ready To Lift Myself To Safety:
An Oil Stained Hand,
Delicately Reaches Out For Me.
He Pulls Me Up Top,
(Jade,)
Grasping For My Ankles.
Hyperventilating Upon The Dirt,
Stars Waltzing Amongst My Freckles…
The Roar Of His Motor Cycle,
Emerald Eyes Glaring Past,
(Illuminated Amongst The Dessert.)
Blues,
Greens,
Purples,
Pouring Out Amongst The Fixture Aside Me…
Finally,
I Am Free.
It Is Absolute Madness To Believe There Is Another Side Of Reality:
An Entire Universe,
Unknown…
(A Thought,)
We Have Only Just Begun.
The Stench Of Truth,
A Life Of Insanity Leading A Secluded,
(Hidden,)
Existence:
Keeping Face,
(An Attempt To Obtain things Unseen.)
The Walls Change Colors,
The Ceilings Begin To Shift:
My Body Begins To Quake…
(Shadows Surrounding,)
Swarming,
My Knees Begin To Bend.
Insanity,
(Captivated Within My Mind,)
Begun To Drip Through Slender Creases,
(Fragments Of Reality,)
Causing Utter Chaotic Ruckus Within Me…
Jade,
Myself…
Caught Dead Center Within The eye Of The Storm.
I Gather Myself,
(Self Cauterizing Jade’s Inflicted Wounds.)
I Saw The Round-Top Off To The Left,
(Off Into The Distance,)
Illuminating Through The Dark Of Night.
To The Right,
A Forest,
(Avoiding The Fright.)
A Fawn Rabbit,
Flannel Vest,
Beautifully Carved Wooden Pipe,
Taunted Me To Follow Amongst The Pine…
Into The Forest,
(It’s Time,)
Cast Pearls Before Swine.
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Chapter 11:
Use Pens, Not Pills
In Which Way Do A Accurately Expect To Finish Writing This?
(The Ultimate Seven Year Question…)
Scratch That:
Going On Eight Years Now,
(Fantastic.)
How Does One Used Eight Years Of Writing…
(And Still Not Understand What To Make Of It.)
Today Is One Of Those “Shitty”Kind Of Days:
Wake Up,
(Pleasant:)
One Thing Or Another,
All The Suppressed Stress Pokes It’s Nasty,
(Gruesome,)
Head Out,
Snarling.
(Evolution Of A Nasty Demeanor.)
Not All Negative Outcome Has Come From Instances Such As this,
However:
Had This Not Occurred…
I Would Have continued Procrastinating This,
(Now Eight Year,)
Procrastinated Dream…
(Completion.)
Today Was Not A Good Day.
My Face Split In Two,
(As I Coward Within The Bathroom.)
“It’s Not Him.”
“He Won’t Love You.”
The Whole World Is On Fire,
(You’re Nowhere To Be Seen.)
Like Hot,
(Molten,)
Tar,
Clinging To My Flesh,
(As The Feathers Are Stripped Away,)
Blistered,
(Obscene.)
You Turn A Head,
(Whilst I Scream For Help.)
You’re Pointless Bullshit,
Too Important To Spare A Look,
(My Way:)
To Understand The Pain You’ve Caused…
As A Child,
(Determining Right From Wrong,)
You Cannot Even Admit,
Your Actions Have Been Passive,
(For Far To Long.)
So I Sit Here,
(Foundation,
Crumbling From Beneath.)
You Cannot Even Respond:
Claiming A Position Of The Victim,
(She’s Got No One To Listen.)
If She Dies,
(A Little More Inside,)
And No One Is There To See…
Do Her Requests For Chivalry,
Even Matter,
(Within The Grand Scheme?)
Don’t Pay Her Any Attention,
(The One You Broke On Purpose.)
You Isolated The Prey,
Take Your Shot,
Don’t Sway,
(Don’t Miss.)
Over And Over,
(And Over And Over Again…)
Till The Poor Thing Lay,
Helpless,
Hemorrhaging,
Until Its Very,
(Final,)
Last Breath.
You Sit Upon Your Thrown,
(Made Of Self Justification And Deceit,)
Remember Who’s Fur You Stole:
Purposeful For Nothing,
But Simply Warming The Creases,
Upon Your Seat.
(Mind Throbbing.)
Fuck This Untested,
Experimental Project.
A Raw Attempt To Dive,
Inside Out:
(Finding The Basis Of A Tormented Soul.)
From A Third Perspective,
Nothing Is Sensible.
Whilst Experiencing,
(This Puzzle Of Self,)
I Find It Most Unfaltering,
(Crude.)
It Comes Within Waves,
(Drowning,
Salt Written,)
Waves.
Crashing Upon My Skull,
(A Pressure Of A Thousand Suns:)
Hundreds Of Gallons,
Smoldering Water,
(Never-Ending.)
Gasping For Help As My Airways’ Fill,
Grasping For The Tiniest Molecule,
(Oxygen,)
The Waves Power Through Me,
Whirling Through,
(Vastness,)
Of An Origin Unknown.
I Shall Work Through My Story,
(Simultaneously Observing,)
My Own Life Crumble,
(Scatter Amongst This Learning.)
How Am I Suppose To Help Anyone?
(I Can’t Even Help Myself.)
Secluded From Everyone:
(No Outlet From My Silence.)
Thoughts Raging:
Faster,
Faster,
The World Spins,
(The Great Always Fall,)
Skidding My Face Amongst The Pavement.
(It’s All My Fucking Fault.)
I Had This Inept Idea,
By Finishing This Fucking Project,
I Would Find Self Peace:
Experience Happiness Once More.
I Can’t Remember The Last Time I Smiled,
Without My Heart Bloody,
(Gruesomely Tore.)
If I Cried Forever,
Would Anyone Ever Care?
The Next Best Video Will Drop,
This World…
Just Disappears.
“How Are You Doing?”
“Are You Okay?”
(The Half Hearted Gestures,)
Enough To Make Me Stay?
My Baby Smiles,
A Tragic Mother,
A Beautiful Story,
(For Another Day.)
So If I Sit Here,
Within Myself…
“Who Am I?”
“What Is My Purpose?”
I Cannot Seem To Find Viable Truth.
If My Existence Is So Insignificant,
(My Presence A Nuisance,)
If The World Doesn’t Stop,
To Woe An Insignificant Existence…
Why Am I Here?
I Once Believed,
It Were For The Hope Of True Love,
Some Other-Worldly Purposeful Greatness,
Some Shift Of Conscious,
A Good,
(Always Too Far.)
(Unprovable.)
Not All Sheep Are Born Within Black Wool.
I’m A Fraud,
I’m Something, I Am Not.
I Could Take The Pills,
Dull the Pain,
Mask The Fact:
I Got A Shitty Hand.
It Is My Fault,
My Responsibility.
I Let You Hurt Me.
I Allowed Myself To Play Victim,
Allowed Myself To Stay…
Longer,
And Longer,
Until The Only Thing I Had,
Belonged To Whom I Write,
(For Sake Of “Love”,)
This Very Day.
(No One Will Understand.)
If Money Is The Root Of All Evil,
Time Is Money,
Human’s Break Under Financial Strain,
Wasting Time,
Making Tireless Money...
Is The Time Spent,
Seeking More,
And More,
And More,
And More,
And More,
And More,
And More,
(AND FUCKING, MORE, MORE, MORE, MORE!)
It Will Never Be Drenched In Happiness…
Why Wake Up?
Why Get Dressed,
Why Go Outside?
A Realization…
(You Have Nothing Valuable,)
A Heart Of Broken Strings…
A Castle,
(Turned Dungeon.)
Gold,
(Turnt Soot.)
Showering In Ash,
Disappointment,
(To Heavy To Loot.)
I’m Sure I Could Fake This “Happiness”,
Lost Within Friends,
(Saturated In Constant Forgiveness.)
A Love Who Fails To Reach For My Hand,
Another Fall,
(Amongst The Blood, Soiled, Dirt.)
A Roaring Audience,
Hollering Obscenities,
(Every Which Direction.)
Am I In Love With The Idea Of Love?
The Character Built Up Within My Heart Will Never Exist,
And No-one Will Ever Amount To “Him”…
That Idea Of “Him”,
That “One” I Urned For Since Before I Could Understand,
What Love Even Meant.
What Is Love?
When Is Love Not Love?
When Does Love Become An Addiction?
The Lines Of Heartbreak And Withdrawal,
Blur As One.
Is This Love?
Or Dependence?
Do We Even Exist?
When The Knot Within My Gut Wreathes From Within Me,
What Would I Do Without My Daily Dose Of Serotonin?
That Hug,
When Your Stupid Face Makes Me Forget My Own Judgement,
(Just Moments Before.)
How Can You Be My Heaven,
And My Hell…
Simultaneously….
You Will Never Be The Man I Want You To Be,
(Within My Own Mind,)
You Will Never Change To Be That Man…
I Cannot Continue To Pretend,
You Won’t Ever Be The Man I Need You To Be.
And You Don’t Want To Bend.
It’s Time For Me To Fly.
Because When I Sat In That Tub…
You Weren’t There.
And That Was Fine,
And When I Died That Night…
(When I Believed The Pill Would Taste Better In Bulk.)
My Wounds Were To Fresh,
(To Handle The Stabs You Had Dealt.)
And This Is All Probably Just A Bunch Of Shit,
You Never Understood What My World Looked Like After Being Hit.
You Never Sat In That Cold Bathtub,
Shaking Under Boiling Rainfall.
You Never Knew How Much You Effected Me,
Because You Never Cared To Ask.
You Never Cared To Check,
(To See,)
If I Was Slamming My Head Against The Wall,
(To Beat.)
I’m Just Another Teenage Tragedy,
Make Up 13 Reasons,
While Raking Millions Like Last Season’s Leaves.
“She Thought Too Much,
That Poor, Smart Girl.”
“She Lacked Religion.”
As If Not A Single Person Had Any Blame.
Like Just One Mother Fucker,
One Fucking Person To Worry…
When That Addiction Doesn’t Pass.
When They Don’t Wake Up,
(From A Drug Induced Nap.)
She Was Never Wanted,
(In The First Place,)
Why Pay Her Any Attention?
Then Cry At The Funeral Like,
“We Were So Close,
I Never Saw This Coming.”
Just Another Statistic…
Just Another Overdose.
Another Sad Story,
Another Trauma For Their Children,
Broken,
(As If We Didn’t Make Them.)
The U.S Military Guard Poppy Farms In The Middle East,
And Then Shifts A Head To The Opium Crisis.
“Such A Tragedy,”
(A Simple Travesty.)
Your Politicians Pocket Their Cash,
(The Real Drug Dealers.)
The Profit Of Misery.
I Fucking See You!
I See Your Childish Game.
It’s Easier To Murder The Victim,
When You Spent Valuable Time,
Sedating,
Tormenting,
Feeding Sickness To Their Beautiful,
(Impressionable,)
Mind Space.
A Fucking Dollar Earned Mad,
Right?
We Don’t Need Your Chemicals.
We Don’t Need Your Phycho-analysts,
(If Your Only Solution Ends In Sedation.)
We Need To Feel.
We Need To Process,
We Need Time,
(To Heal The Broken Bits Of Our Self…)
We Need To Hit It,
(Full Force,)
Take That Fucking Bull By The Horns.
We Need To Fix Our Selves,
Because Everything Else…
Is Nothing More Than A Cowardice Copout.
A Shortcut,
(An Addiction,)
With Psychosis On The Withdrawing Menu.
I Am So Fucking Sick…
The Excuses We Create To Avoid Confrontation,
(Especially With One’s Self.)
God Forbid,
We Be Human.
God Forbid,
We Allow Ourselves To Be Raw.
God Forbid,
We Figure Out…
Who We Are;
That Our Truth Is Our Purpose.
Those Who Understand This Assimilation Of Writing,
Understand The World In Which We Exist Within.
Nothing Matters,
(In Direct Contradiction,)
It Is The Only Thing That Has Ever Mattered…
The Memories,
Those Fuzzy,
Simple Thoughts,
They Get Sweeter,
(The Longer They Age.)
You Don’t Need To Savor So Intensely,
(Upon Those Darkest Of Pages:)
Desperate For Someone To Love,
Unable To Be Loved In Return.
A Turntable,
Flowing One Way…
Scratching To Reciprocate,
A Passion.
Left Empty…
Tucked Inside A Dust Sleeve,
Filed Carefully For Further Enjoyment,
(When Left Alone.)
A Lifetime’s Belittling Weight,
Piled Through The Galaxy,
(Upon My Heart.)
Haunted By A Love Story,
In Which,
(Consequentially,)
Will Never Stop Ending.
When The Antidepressants,
And The Antipsychotics,
The Antispasmodics,
And The Countless Diagnostics,
Peg You As A Lifetime Customer,
Causing Manics Upon Withdrawal…
Banking In On Your Torment,
(Your Soul.)
A Sea Of Prescription Zombies,
Hazing Everything,
(Including Your Light Of Day,)
Drug Dealing Billionaires,
(Masking The Façade,)
Pulling Your Pennys For An Endless List,
(Of Side Effects.)
Constant Fear,
(Failure,)
A Beast With Four Mouths.
Constant Reassurance Of My Failure,
Achievable Exclusively By Breaking Through Rambles:
(The Consistent Chatter Ringing As Church Bells.)
It May Be Nothing But A “Silly Dream.”
It May Be Nothing More Than “A Waste Of Time And Money.”
It May Be Nothing To Anyone More Than Myself…
Fighting,
(Scraping By,)
Shot Back In The Dirt…
(Back Where I Started.)
An Inspiration Sprouted Through Hunger,
Unable To Afford Nourishment For Those I Love,
(Those I Am Responsible To Care For,)
Till My Next Insignificant Paycheck Rolls Through.
A Thought To Myself:
“Such A Fucked Up World Is This?
You Receive One Day Off Per Week,
(If You Are Lucky.)
You Still Cannot Feed Your Family.
After All Of The Bullshit That Steals Your Money,
Before You Even Get A chance To See it.
The Crippling Student Debt,
The Medical Bills,
The Various Insurance Bills,
The Utilities,
The Shelter…
What Does One Do?
A Beautiful Daydream Of A comfortable Life,
A Life Of Beauty,
Helping The World See The Purpose Of Their Own Existence Here…
Write,
Just Write.
(What Other Choice Have I Been Given?)
Regardless Of Failure,
(Rejection By The Masses.)
At The Close Of all Of This…
I Will Be Able To See My Story…
Sitting Upon My Bedside,
(Till’ The Day I Perish From This Existence.)
I Will Fulfill My Greatest Challenge,
(Reap The Gratitude Of My Greatest Accomplishment.)
Not A Damn Soul Will Ever Be Given The Power To Remove That From ME.
So,
Here It Is.
(A Young Woman’s Most Intimate Reality.)
Pieced Together.
One Part At A Time.
I Am Here.
Finishing This Shit.
I Will End This Fucking Story.
I Will Finish Telling My Truth.
I Will Heal From This Journey,
(Silent,
Hidden Away…
For Too Long.)
I Will Wake Up.
I Will…
Use Pens…
Not Pills.
#artist TJ sparkes#art prints for sale online#artist taunie jade#artist work for sale online#Author Taunie Jade#Author TJ Sparkes#artist poetry and prints online#taunie jade#sparkes ink#digital performance platform#digital publication#digital storytelling#digital performance#tj sparkes#tj sparks#international publisher#best new author 2020#independent artist#best independent artist 2020#best independent author 2020#love story written in real time#best poetry online#best publishers 2020#poetry online#poetic novels 2020#poetic novel#modern storytelling#simple thoughts#simple thoughts novel#simple thoughts poetic novel
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Chapter 10:
Paul
Remember?
Going To U Of I,
(Peter.)
We Were Together For So Long,
I Had Melted Within Your Friend Circle.
My Friends Did Not Like You…
(Not One Bit.)
My Own Aunt Refused To Talk To Me,
An Attempt To Please…
(A Narcissistic Twit.)
It Was Simply Easier:
Being ‘The Girl,’
(The Only Within The Crew.)
I Was ‘Not Allowed’ To Enjoy Time With Most Of My Friends;
(You “Didn’t Approve Of Them”.)
It Was Quite Beautiful;
(Our Fucking Train Wreck.)
You,
(The Conductor,)
Walked Away,
(Scott-Free:)
Never Looked Back.
The Carnage Left By Your Actions:
The Bodies,
(Ripped From Limb,
To Limb).
In College,
(Alone,)
‘On Your Own,”
(The Beginning Of Our Lives:)
A New City,
(Populated From Every Corner Of The Globe.)
We Became Acquainted To New Humans;
(In Which,)
We Would Have Never Met.
One Of Those First Fridays,
(Semester Came Around.)
We Made Our Way,
Down Those Elevators,
Across The Lawn,
(Travis’s Dorm.)
Travis,
Peter’s Best Friend;
(Since Seventh Grade,)
One Of My Good Friends,
(One Of My Roommates.)
Those Silly Dorm Rooms,
(‘Jack And Jill,’ Architecture.)
Two Rooms,
Conjoined,
One Door,
One Bathroom,
Shared;
Located Within The Left Room.
(Pain-In-The-Ass.)
I Ended Up Moving;
A Separate Dorm,
(Post Peter’s Infidelity.)
Elevator Riddled With Condoms,
(Taped To My Door.)
“Use Protection!”
She Made A Pristine Point,
(Taunting A Broken Heart,)
As It Packed,
And Left.
Our Original Dorm Set Up,
One Communal Bathroom,
(A Center Piece To Each Floor.)
Surrounded By Individuals,
Walking Down Hallways,
(Towards 10x10 Bedrooms.)
This May Sound Obnoxious,
(Whilst Showering And Shitting,)
Until Your Suite Mate Needs To Use The Restroom,
Conveniently Located On Your Side Of The Jack And Jill,
(Count Your Blessings,)
Trapped,
(Mid Sex Position,)
Until They Are Finished Relieving Themselves Within Your Bedroom.
I Cannot Begin To Describe,
(Being Walked In On During Sex.)
Don’t Let Me Forget:
Laying On The Couch,
(In That Basement,)
A Family Friend Popped Down To Say,
“Hey,”
You Thought It Extremely Funny To Sodomize Me:
(Smack-Dab In Mid-Conversation.)
You ‘Have To Play It Off’,
(Attempt To Cover What Was Really Going On.)
Worthy A Film Contract,
(All In It’s Own.)
I Should Have Won An Award,
(How Well I Kept All Of Your Skeletons,)
Your Dirty Secrets,
She Turned,
(Walked Up Those Stairs.)
(Rabbit Troll)
A “Jack And Jill,”
(Room Arrangement,)
One Of Two Things Happen:
1:
You,
(All Your Suite Mates,)
Live Together,
(Open Door Policy.)
2:
You’re Awkward,
(Never Talk,)
Never Open The Door;
(Unless One Has To Use The Restroom.)
Travis,
Suite-mates:
Two Of His Old,
(High School,)
Friends…
And Paul.
Paul:
Small Town Idahoan.
High School Class:
Roughly Fourteen.
The Epitome Of My Attraction.
(Morphing Throughout Adolescent Maturity;)
Following Consequently,
(Views Changing To Fit Thee.)
High School Wrestler,
(Training To Be A Firefighter.)
One Powerlifting Trophy.
Listened To My Music,
Had A Lip Ring,
Tattoos,
Beautiful Brown Eyes.
Brunette Hair,
(Swooped To The Side.)
Could Make Any Girl,
(Melt Where She Stood.)
Silly Girl,
(Inclined To Attract,)
Strictly,
(Womanizing,)
Assholes.
Could Fuck Any Girl In A Room,
(Right Where He Stood;)
No Matter What She Looked Like.
He Had This Magnetic Pull To Him,
Draws You In,
(Within The Flicker Of A Heartbeat.)
He Always Knew,
Exactly What To Say,
(Each Girl,)
Melting Within His Hands.
Hot,
(Bar Fly,)
Bitch,
(Ego With A Complex:)
“Be An Asshole To Her,
Ignore Her Passes,
Gain Her Desire For Acceptance”…
Give Her An Ego Boost,
(Over The Hood Of Her 1999 VW Beatle.)
Beautiful,
(Shy,)
“Lady Like”:
Compliment Her,
Stand Up For Her,
Prove “You’re A Good Guy…
The One That Can Take Care Of Her,
(Within Your Big Strong Arms”…)
Give Her Comfort,
(Security,)
Three Hours,
(Bent Over The Bathroom Sink.)
Paul’s Collegiate Goal:
One Hundred Different Women,
(Before He Graduated.)
Starting College At Twenty-one.
Paul Was Not Trying To Hypnotize Me,
(When We First Met…)
Yet,
Here I Am,
Writing,
(Yet Another,)
Bad,
Fucking,
“Love Story”.
The Night We Met,
(That Second Friday Of My Collegiate Experience.)
I Did Not Know Anyone:
Drinking In Travis’s Dorm,
(Our Only Option.)
I Hadn’t Heavily Started Drinking,
(Until After I Became A “Vandal”.)
Only Drank Once-In-A-While,
(Upon A Parent Free Home.)
Now Consuming:
A Fifth Of Tequila,
To Myself,
(Through A Sippy-Cup;)
Conscious Enough To Independently Walk Home.
At This Time,
Four Beers To DRUNK…
(I Miss Those Days.)
I Remember Walking Into Travis’s Room,
Peter,
(Thinking He Was Hot Shit,)
That Is,
Until I Met Eyes With…
Paul.
Up Until This Moment,
I Had Never Wanted To Be With Anyone,
(Aside Peter.)
Truth Be Told,
I Was Loyal To Him,
Until Nine Months Post,
(He First Cheated On Me.)
I Had Never Been Drawn To Anyone,
(Such I Had Paul.)
Sitting Around,
Playing King’s Cup,
Drinking,
(Bullshitting.)
I Had Forgotten Peter Had Been Present.
It Wasn’t Until I Leaned In,
(Towards Paul,)
Looked Straight Through Him,
(Dead In The Eye:)
“Do You Think If Two People With Lip Rings Made Out…
Would They Be Doomed To Get Stuck?”
Peter Responded,
“YOU ARE NOT MAKING OUT WITH HIM,”
I Hadn’t Remembered:
Peter Had Been Sitting Next To Me,
(Whilst I Been Oodling Over Paul.)
(Just To Justify,)
If Two People With Lip Rings Make Out,
They Can Get Caught,
You Will Both Appear Rather Troublesome,
(Whilst Attempting To Separate Two Faces.)
Peter Caught Me,
Red Handed:
(Mentally Molesting,)
This Gorgeous Man I Had Just Met,
I Worked Extraordinarily Hard,
(Keeping Myself Composed,)
Appear Loyal,
(To A Cheating Putz.)
My Mind Lusting,
(The Other Man,)
Sitting To The Right Of Me.
It’s Quite Humorous,
(Recalling Our First Memorable Moment,)
(Paul:)
You Found My Obnoxious Outbursts So Comical…
One Of Paul’s Female Friends,
Sitting Next To Peter During This Circle Of King’s Cup,
(Forcing Alcohol Peter’s Way,)
With Every Drink To Be Given Out.
I Had Come Back To Realization,
(Peter Was Present In My Life,)
I Quickly Recognized Her Feminine Intentions.
I Was Mentally Melting Amongst The Feet Of Another Man,
Though,
I Felt Envy As Peter Received Strange Attention.
“Don’t Get Him Too Drunk,
He’s Got To Pull Out Later.”
(The Moment You Became Friends With Me.)
Paul,
We Had An Intense Connection,
Even Platonically,
While I Was In A Relationship With Peter.
Peter, Travis, Paul And I:
“The Gruesome Foursome”.
Spending Almost Every Waking Moment Together:
Creating Drunken Memories Throughout Our Freshman Year.
Paul Started School Late,
September Of This Year Celebrating His 21stBirthday…
(He Did Not Remember The First Month And A Half Of His Legality.)
That Same Halloween,
(I Found That Girl On The Bathroom Floor,)
Peter Dressed As A Banana,
I, The Queen Of Hearts.
Before Leaving For The Party,
We Had Walked Through Paul’s Room,
Him Passed Out On His Bed,
(Shit-Faced-Drunk)
6:00 P.M.
You Woke Up,
Responded,
“PETER! YOU’RE A BANANA!”
Peter:
“No Paul,
You’re A Banana.”
Paul:
“NO IM NOT…”
(Glanced Toward Me,)
A Coward In The Corner,
“DAYUM…You Look Dirty,”
(Passing Back Out).
You Didn’t Know How Brokenly Innocent,
(Small,)
I Felt Inside,
(Those Years I Knew You.)
How Your Affection Made My Heart Beat Faster,
(Each Time I Saw You.)
That Attention Was But A Game To You,
You Didn’t Know I Was Drowning.
You Didn’t Know I Was Begging For Affection,
(Just As That You Sheltered Me With.)
November 1, 2009
Peter Left Me,
(In My Dorm Room,)
To Have Sex With The Girl From The Fourth Floor.
I Didn’t Find Out.
Two Days Past:
Walking Back From The Shower,
(Everyone Knew.)
Snickers,
Those Girls Mocked Me That Day,
The Day I Received That Text From Peter’s Roommate.
“Jade,
I Need To Tell You Something.
I Am Not Telling You This To Hurt You,
Or Upset You,
I Feel You Needed To Know…
Peter Had Sex With Macy Sunday Night.”
Shock;
Death.
The One Person I Had To Confide In:
(The One Who Burnt Me,)
First.
Paul’s Number Came Upon My Telephone.
“Peter Cheated On Me,
Want To Come Over?”
“Jade,
We Both Know That Is A Bad Idea…
A Week’s Time,
You Would Like Me To Come Over,
I Will.”
Our Sexual Tension Was Thick,
A Sludge Hammer:
(Tearing Through Quicksand.)
I Began To Care About You,
(Paul.)
I Became Protective Of You,
(The More Our Friendship Grew.)
That December,
Paul Began Dating,
Some Gorgeous Girl He Had Been Chasing,
(About Three Years).
Paul In Moscow,
(Going To School:)
She Had Been Living In Boise,
(An Obvious Cause For Issues To Arise.)
She Refused To ‘Officially’ Date Him.
(How I Wished I Had Her Chance.)
Every Night,
(Clockwork,)
He Would Phone Her.
(Regardless What He Was Doing That Night,)
Just To Talk,
(Before Bed,)
Tell Her “He Loved Her”.
This Went On For…
Three,
Four Months;
(This Womanizing Asshole Had Been Tamed,)
Turning Down Any Girl To Make A Pass Towards Him,
(A Slave To His Nightly Phone Call.)
I Remember,
(Meeting This Girl,)
New Years,
(That Year I Thought I Loved You.)
She Seemed Nice…
(I Couldn’t Help My Growing Envy,)
Wishing I Was In Her Position:
Tucked Under Your Arm,
(Receiving Your Kiss.)
Three Months:
She “Broke Your Heart”.
I Desired To Physically Hurt Her,
More So Than Ever In My Life,
(To This point.)
Standing In The Parking Lot,
(Outside Our Dorm.)
Our Friends…
Waived By,
(You And I,)
To Talk Alone.
Tears On Both Ends.
You,
Expressing Her Disloyalty To You,
(Peters Of Me.)
This Was The First Time I Realized,
(Acknowledged,)
I Had Feelings For This Man…
More So Than That,
(Simply Just “Friends”.)
We Had Grown Extremely,
(Secretly,)
Close;
Those Months,
(Following This Event.)
I Always Felt Safe Confiding In You,
(As I Felt You The Same Toward Me.)
I Cannot Speak For Paul’s Thoughts And Feelings,
(Though,)
It Seemed As I The Only Person You Had To Open Up To,
(I Assumed You Felt That Same Comfort With Me.)
Summer 2010
I Had Thrown That Huge,
(Weekend Long,)
House Party;
(While My Parent’s Were Away.)
The Night Began To Turn,
(A Drunken Blur.)
Walking Through The Living Room…
I Found You,
Peter,
One Of My Female Friends,
(Conspiring In The Corner;)
Gradually Glancing Over Toward Me,
Leaning Back In,
Glancing Over,
(Repeat.)
I Walked Over,
Questioning The Birdie Gossip…
“Oh Nothing,
Don’t Worry About It…
Let’s Watch A Movie.”
Unaware Of This Future Plot,
Quickly Unraveling Your Conspiracy.
Putting In That Movie,
(Realizing,)
This Was A Plotted Four-way…
Each Member Aware The Situation…
(Except Me.)
I Wanted To Have Sex With You,
(Paul,)
That Night.
I Let Peter Fuck Me In Front Of You,
All While Wishing It Were Only Me And You.
I Had Wanted To Make Love To You,
(I Hated Peter For Keeping Us Apart.)
Do You Remember What You Said To Me?
While Naked,
Wrapped Within My Blanket,
(Upon My Parent’s Bathroom Floor.)
(Another One Of Those Moments,)
I Had Accidentally Been Falling For You.
(I Never Asked To Care For You.)
It Was Never Something I Had Planned.
I Should Have Left You There;
How Embarrassed You Felt,
“This Never Happens To You”.
You Caught Me,
(In The Way You Looked At Me,)
Naked,
Covered In A Simple Blanket.
I Thought I Knew More Depth,
From What We Put Upon The Surface.
“Jade,
Your One Of The Good Ones,
Don’t Let Anyone Tell You Otherwise…
Please.”
I Couldn’t Help But Stare Through You As You Spoke,
(Imagining…)
You Where The Only Person Who Cared,
(For The Inside Of Me;)
We Were The Only People Left In This Room,
(The Only Left In Our World.)
Do You Remember That Night?
The Summer I Turned 18.
You Didn’t Know I Had Broken It Off With Peter The Night Before.
You Didn’t Know I Had Left My Abuser To Be With You.
That Night,
You Curled Me Up On That Couch,
(Your Friend’s One Bedroom Home On Vista Avenue.)
We Watched 500 Days Of Summer.
You Fingered My Hipbones,
(Kissed Me As A True Lover.)
Wrapped Me Up In Your Web,
Liquified,
(Mummified,)
Carcass,
(Feeding Your Joker’s Ego.)
That Week:
You Weren’t Ashamed To Love Me.
(Whilst Simultaneously Hiding My Identity,)
Such Importance,
(Saving Your “Best Friend” Face.)
You Lured Me In.
You Didn’t Know I Had Been,
(Desperately,)
Searching For My “Love Story”,
(Long Before I Met You.)
You Didn’t Know How Young And Naïve I Was,
(I Put On A Good Act.)
I Just Wanted To Laugh With You,
Be Someone,
(You Weren’t Ashamed,)
To Call Your Own.
You Didn’t Know,
I Only Fell Back To Peter…
(After You Refused My Affection.)
You Didn’t Explain That To All Of Our Friends,
(The One’s You Lied To.)
They Couldn’t Know,
It Was You Who Had Fallen…
For One Of Your Best Girl Friends,
(Your Best Friend’s Girl.)
All I Ever Wanted:
Recognition,
(You Felt Something Too.)
I Knew What Kind Of Guy You Were,
I Sat By You,
(Through and Through.)
High Hopes,
My Wild Heart Could Tame You,
I Hadn’t Expected Abandonment…
(Not From You.)
I Didn’t Know Who I Was,
My Life,
(As I Knew,)
In Shambles.
A Cheating Four Year,
(Abusive,)
Relationship…
Ended…
(Thanks To You.)
You Forgot About Me.
Convinced Yourself,
“I Wasn’t Good Enough For You”…
Or Maybe It Was You,
(For Me.)
We Were Never Meant To Be,
(It Would Have Been A Catastrophe.)
You Didn’t Have To Lie,
You Didn’t Have To Abandon Me.
You Were Supposed To Put Out The Fire,
(Disintegrating The Beauty Within Me.)
A Firefighter,
(A Joker,)
Instead,
Setting My Escape…
Ablaze.
I Could Have Used Your Friendship,
(All Those Days,)
You Walked Away.
Our Friends,
That Same Confused Look,
(Every Mention Of My Feeling Towards He.)
You Could Have Had Me…
(Surely,)
That’s Not How The Story Was Meant To Be.
You Couldn’t Admit You Cared For Me.
You Didn’t Know You Were My Last Grasp,
(Justification For My Own Self Worth.)
You Didn’t Know I Swallowed Those Pills,
In That House We Were Suppose To Share.
Peter Sat By My Bath Side,
All While Imagining It Was You.
Wishing You Had Never Abandoned Me.
You Aren’t Worth Any More Thought,
(You Really Never Were;)
Just A Joker,
Playing Games…
(Your Specialty.)
Such A Foolish Girl:
Determined To Be “Special;”
(The One To Restrain The Boar.)
I Never Wanted To Share My Bedroom With Him,
In Our House On Lilly…
That Night,
(The Last Night You Admitted Your Feelings For Me:)
You Didn’t Know I Sat,
(Sobbing,)
Within My Beetle,
(Outside Your Friends Tiny House…)
Wondering,
“Will I Ever Escape This Black Tar?”
What Was A Girl Supposed To Do?
I Didn’t Know I Could Survive On My Own.
Peter Promised Me Companionship…
You Shunned Me The Night Before…
I Never Cheated On Him With You.
I Left Him For You.
You Never Told Him.
(You Never Told Anyone.)
You Were The Joke.
I Never Needed You.
I Didn’t Need You,
Every Instance You Toyed With Me In Lilly.
I Didn’t Need You,
Each Time You Chased Me Through That Alley…
(Willy-Nilly.)
I Didn’t Need You,
Each Stupid,
(Sexist,)
Joke You Directed Shoved My Direction…
I Should Have Avoided,
Every Demeaning Comment You Threw In My Face.
I Didn’t Fucking Need You,
You Left,
Friends With He…
(Peter.)
You,
A Magician,
Hiding Amongst Black Lace.
Do You Think He Would Have Accepted You?
Had He Known…
(You Thought You Were My Mistress.)
How Fake You Would Have To Be…
To Look At Him,
Then Look At Me.
You Never Extinguished His Fire…
Just Coward In The Corner…
(Gaze Cold And Dead:)
Than Walked The Opposite Direction,
(A Spineless Jellyfish Instead.)
You Didn’t Have To Witness Me Turn To Ash,
You Never Guessed,
I Would Rise From The Soot.
You Never Assumed,
I Would Publish Your Guilty Foot.
You Watched Me Burn,
(Turned A Frozen Cheek,)
I Never Died,
Resided Within This Infirmary,
So Sad,
So Bleak.
I Swallowed Those Pills…
A Couple Weeks After You Refused To Move In.
I Sat In That Tub For Eternity,
(Taste-buds Drenched In Tin.)
I Woke Up In This Medical Room,
A Clawfoot Riddled In Despair.
The Nurse Licked My Wounds,
A Tender Love,
(The Infirmary,)
Saturated The Infected Air.
A Price To Pay For All Services Rendered,
An Obedient Slavery,
Such Exchange For Care Tendered.
I Survived.
Found Myself,
Within My Own Death.
Trapped For Eternity,
(Ash Saturated Breath.)
#artist TJ sparkes#art prints for sale online#artist taunie jade#artist work for sale online#Author Taunie Jade#Author TJ Sparkes#artist poetry and prints online#taunie jade#sparkes ink#digital performance platform#digital publication#digital storytelling#digital performance#tj sparkes#tj sparks#international publisher#best new author 2020#independent artist#best independent artist 2020#best independent author 2020#love story written in real time#best poetry online#best publishers 2020#poetry online#poetic novels 2020#poetic novel#modern storytelling#simple thoughts#simple thoughts novel#simple thoughts poetic novel
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Chapter 9:
Hot & Ready
(Shifting Through Loose Written Thoughts:
A Story Started,
Never Finished,
So Many Years Ago.)
No.
….No.
Fuck.
No.
Fucking Bullshit.
Blah, Blah, Blah.
Fucking TJ,
Goddamn Fucking Literature Nazi.
“Too Fucking Vulgar.”
You Know What Is To Fucking Vulgar?
Worrying About Your Fucking Vulgarity…
That’s What’s Fucking Vulgar.
She’s Been Putting This Chapter Off For So Fucking Long.
(It’s A Bunch Of Bullshit, Rather…)
Laughing On The Fucking Floor For This Fucking Shit.
I Wonder Why I Pulled The Lucky Strings And Got Handed This Shit Story.
(That Fucker Wasn’t Even Fucking Cute,)
I Was Just So Goddamn Desperate For Someone To Love Me,
(I Didn’t Even Give A Shit Who It Was.)
Doesn’t Help When It’s Your Greatest Desire…
You Know,
The Whole, “Prince Charming”, Fracture;
(That’s Victoria’s Bit.)
I Almost Lost Odin For Her…
Woulda Been A Shame;
(The Emerald Eyes Have Such A Significant Part In This Glorious Game.)
I’m Sure He Loves Her,
(He Did Make It Through Me.)
Very Well Then,
I Suppose I Oughta Quit Stalling.
(The Audience Has Been Stagnant, Long Enough.)
Now If I Were A Story,
Oh Where,
Oh Where, Would I Be?
Maybe Tucked Behind That Old Writing Tree?
No, No,
(That’s TJ’s Tale…)
Between The Pillows Of The Old Wooden Bed,
Littered With Cheap Tequila,
(Eternally Stained)
Within A Children’s, Spider-Man Sippy-Cup.
I’ve Waited So Long, And Now All I Can Think…
“How In The Fuck Am I Going To Fucking Get Drunk Tonight?”
I Suppose I Should Match Up The Timelines,
(You Know, The Lyrical Bullshit TJ Was Attempting to Write About Me.)
The Stupid Fucking,
“My First Cannabis Experience,”
(Her Goddamn, Favorite Story To Tell.)
She Makes Me Sound Like Such A Fucking Prick.
So Fucking Dull,
Like, My Friendly Neighbor…
Trying To Explain To Young Children The Dangers Of…
REEFER MADNESS!!!!
(Ahem…)
I Was Uninformed That When You Are That Fucking High,
It Is Not In One’s Best Interest To Attempt To Inform Your Parents;
(You Have Arrived Home Safely.)
SINCE I Was The Incredible Child I Was,
I Walked In My Front Door…
Thought To Myself,
"Well… I Am A Wee Late…They Are Probably Worried About Me.
I Shall Persist To Inform Them Of My Arrival…
Build Brownie Points.”
Realizing The Faults Within My Logic,
Decided,
(Within Sufficient Time,)
Against Informing,
(The Origin Of My Existence,)
Of My Arrival:
Stumbling,
Raiding My Kitchen,
45 minutes Time.
Eating,
Until I Ceased To Move,
Passing Out,
Waking Up The Next Morning,
Mom Making Breakfast,
Feeling More Accomplished Than A Horny 20 Year Old Getting Laid,
(Without The Help Of Alcohol, At A Party.)
This Is What Should Have Happened…
This Is What Actually Happened:
Walking Through The Door,
Hyperventilating,
(Laughing My Ass Off…)
Over Literally,
Nothing.
I Think To Myself,
"Well, I Am But A Wee Late…
(They Are, Probably, Worried About Me;)
I Shall Tell Them Of My Arrival With Haste!
(Solely To Build Brownie Points.")
Galloping Amongst The Formal Living-room…
Such A Radiant Gazelle I Should Be,
Proceeding With:
An Astounding Performance Of James Bond…
Spinning,
Rolling,
Downward The Parental Stairs…
Tumbling,
(Within Their Bedroom.)
Now,
You Must Understand,
The Mother Had Gone Bat-shit,
(Decided A Fourth Baby Was Great.)
Ten Months Prior:
The ‘Rentals Cruised During Hurricane Wilma,
(Smack-dab In The Center Of Their Trip.)
Sitting Within A Hotel Basement,
Three Days,
Tenth Story Room,
Thrown Across The City…
(Impossibly Of Thinking Logically.)
"Let's Have A Baby,"
(At This Point,)
Sounded Such:
"WE’RE GOING TO FUCKING DIE!"
Nine Months Past,
Very Much Alive…
(And So, A Baby Sister.)
Creeping Through Their Room,
(Clinging To These Exponential Chuckles,)
Slipping Beneath My Lips,
Playing The Roll Of Such Secret Spy,
(As Explained Before;)
Parentals’…Not Amused…
(Not In The Slightest…)
Been The Only Half Hour Of Sleep,
Within The Past Month…
My Brilliant Ideas….
(Surely: Not The Brightest.)
Turning The Light,
Walking Aside A Side Of Their Berth,
"HELLO,
(Emphasis On The Oh…)
JUST WANTED TO LET YOU KNOW….
I'M HOME.”
(Again, More Emphasis On The Oh,
Oh,
Oh,)
Mom Rolled Over,
(Stealing A Glance;
In Distinction To My Father.)
A Second To Look Within Each-other,
(Gaining Reassurance Directed Towards My Intoxication.)
A Very Long Pause,
(To Me, A Fucking Century,)
My Father,
(Finally,)
Clearing His Throat,
(As To Prepare Speech,)
"I Was Gonna Go To Class,
Until I Got High,
Until I Got High,
Until I Got High,
(Major Emphasis On The Eye:)
BAH DA DA DA DA DA.”
-Shout Out To Afroman,
(You Dah Bomb-diggity)-
The Events Followed Are Rather,
(Fuzzy,)
Responsible To Ten Years,
Copious Alcohol,
“Drug” Consumption,
Assisted In Aging,
Stress,
Anxiety,
(What Have You.)
Speaking Though,
I Recall A Very Long,
“Heart-to-heart,”
Between My Father And I…
(Mostly About My Future Employment, 7/11, My Whole Life.
Sat Me Down To Watch The Movie,
'The Secret'.
A Whole Mess Of Universe,
“Stoner-talk”;
Mostly, I Could Not Follow.
(The Cat Licking Itself Is Far To Distracting.)
Long Story Short,
As I Awoke,
I Was Not Greeted…
Hot Breakfast,
Lovingly Prepared For My Wake.
Instead:
A Bedroom Door Removed,
A Computer Missing From Upon My Desk,
A Phone With Service Cut,
A Six-month Prison Sentence Within My Bedroom.
(Lot Of Good That Ever Did, LoL.)
Oddly,
My Demeanor Changed Drastically Through Maturity.
The Kind Of “Girl,” I Am Currently?
Untamed.
Know Anything About Astrology?
I Am A Cancerian With Boisterous Leo Traits.
Possessing Terrible Cancerian Qualities,
Wrapped Within Leo Magic…
(Though,
Thinking About It,
That “Magic” Was Only A Face.)
Leo: Such Craze To Live Within Spotlight.
Pigheaded,
Adventurous,
Spontaneous…Etc.
My “True” Astrological Sign:
Cancer,
Cancerian…
(Trust Me, I Know.)
The Only Cancerian Traits I Posses Currently:
Easily Hurt,
Come Off EXTREMELY Strong When I Have Chemistry With Someone,
Need Constant Attention,
(Of Course, Affection.)
We Are Hopeless, Romantics…
Bound Endless To Our Soul Partner,
(Loving Unconditionally.)
Adolescence:
Recluse,
Complete Homebody,
(To The Core;)
Shy And Quite Cannot Begin To Describe My Demeanor.
I Felt More Comfortable Flirting Through A Screened Filter.
Not Only Permanently Home Bound,
Shy…Intimidated Rather,
I Don’t Human Well.
MySpace was my dating sanctuary.
I Was Fucking JadeJuggernaut,
(From MySpace,)
As Far As Everyone Else Was Concerned:
I Was The Shit.
As An Adolescent,
I Became Accustom To The World Of Superficiality,
(Rather Quickly.)
I Many Prospects Held Attention For Me Through Social Flirting,
Only To Flee Once Meeting Me.
Honestly, I Was Never A Terrible Looking Girl.
I Put On Weight Easily,
(Thank You, Hypothyroidism).
In Grade Nine,
My Average Weight:
Somewhere Around 165 lbs.
(I Had Trouble Playing 'The League' I Attempted To Fish From.)
(Always The Orchid,
Basking Within That Dimmed Moonlight.)
Now, I Was Just A Young Girl,
This Was The First Time I Had Realized…
Everyone Was Staring At Me.
They Were Not Awing,
Nor Talking Highly Of Me;
More Like Gawking,
Making Fun.
You Start To Realize How Ugly You Are,
(As Claimed By Society.)
Those Underwear Models,
The “Beautiful” Women,
The One’s You Idolize,
(From This Day,)
Branded Upon Every Fragment Within Your Skull.
That Image,
(Their Image,)
Becomes The Only,
(Acceptable,)
Image For Yourself;
You Isolate Your Life,
Revolving Solely Towards Ultimate Perfection.
Sometimes,
The Most Beautiful Things In Life Are Found Within The Most Curious Places;
This Is Not One Of Those Things.
Your Obsession Controls Your Every Move.
This Is Not Something Beautiful,
(Found In A Remote Location;)
This Is Hideous…
It Will Control Your Entire Life For Over Ten Years.
At Fourteen-Years Young,
I Had Been Stood Up More Often Than I Can Remember:
That Is…Until I Met Peter.
We Started Talking, Casually.
(To Be Honest, He Was Never Really My Type.)
He Was More…
A Boy I Talked To Once-In-A-While,
(When He Was Online,
And I Was Bored…
Regardless,)
I Ended Up Giving Him My Number.
The First Time I Spoke To Peter,
I Was In The Shower,
(Naturally, Ended Up Leading To Inappropriate, Sexual, Innuendos.)
We Were Polar Opposites,
Floating Along,
(In The Same Situational Boat Of Life.)
Both Having Had One 'Relationship,'
(Before We Met.)
JR,
(My Internet Boyfriend Of A Year,)
'JR' From New York,
Was,
(In All Reality,)
A Girl From My School,
(Or, At least, I Believe So.)
Peter’s Online Relationship:
Some Girl From His School,
(Blew Him Off Every Chance She Got.)
Due To This,
The First Time We Made Plans To Meet,
He Was On The Edge,
(Thinking I Would Blow Him Off,
Such As This “Past” Girl.
I Was Fourty-Five Minutes Late.
Remember The Six-Month Prison Sentence?
This Event Just So Happened To Be Right In The Middle…
Imagine,
(The Fight Being Had,
Attempting To Convince My Parents To Take Me,
(To Meet This Boy.)
Talking A Hormonal,
(Recently Pregnant, Mother…
With A Crying Newborn Into Escorting You Anywhere,
(Especially Given The Fact:
Your Dumb Ass Came Home More High Than Snoop Dog On April 20th.)
We Walk Into The Theatre,
Yes,
I Said We…
Would You Like To Know Why I Say We?
(Of Fucking Course You Do…)
You Wouldn't Be Reading This Bullshit:
(Now Would You?)
I Say, “WE,” Due To:
The First Time Peter Saw Me,
(In Person,)
You Want To Know What Came With Me?
My Best Friend At The Time,
Both My Younger Siblings,
Topped With A Mother On A Rampage.
(Damn Kid,
Should Have Known At This Moment…)
Best Course Of Action:
Run Far,
Far,
Away.
This Is What Should Have Happened.
Instead,
He Comes Over To My Side,
Proceeds Attempt To Introduce Himself:
My Mother,
Pulling Cash From The ATM.
They Say First Impressions Are Key To Meeting Anyone New…
The First Impression Of My Mom?
"SO YOUR THE REASON I GOT PULLED OUT OF BED AND HAD TO PUT A SCREAMING BABY IN THE CAR. JUST LOVELY!"
Followed By,
(Extremely Aggressive,)
Transfer Of Money From Her Possession,
(To Mine.)
Storming Out,
Would Put A Sorority, Bitch,
(On Her Period,)
To Shame.
In Case You Failed to,
“Pick Up On It,”
She Stormed Out…
Alone.
That’s right,
Our First Date Included:
Both My Younger Siblings,
(As Well As My Tag-A-Long, Friend.)
Remember…
That Thing I Said…
About Needing To Appear Badass,
(In Order To Compensate For My Awkwardness?)
This Awkward Moment,
Followed By Us Sitting,
(More Awkwardly Than Before,)
In A Movie,
Next To Each Other,
(Dealing With My Ten-Year-Old Brother,
Eight-Year-Old Sister,)
Running Around Us,
(Obnoxiously.)
(This Boy Was Never Talking To Me Again.)
To My Surprise,
The Following Weeks Consisted Of:
Texting,
Calling Each Night,
Spending Time Together,
(Whenever The Opportunity Arose.)
Looking Back On It,
This Relationship Was Destined For An Apocalyptic End,
(Before It Even Began.)
I Had Introduced Him To My Only Other Girlfriend,
(Besides That One Who Joined Our First Date,)
I Accused Him Of Thinking She Was More Attractive Than I,
“She Was Nice,”
That’s All It Took.
What Type Of Insane,
(Insecure,)
Bitch Does That?
Remember,
(The Introduction,)
A Mention Of Lessons,
It Is Only Through Experience,
One May Obtain The Knowledge Of A More Great,
(Stable,)
Way Of Being.
He Was Understanding,
Thirty Minutes,
(Post Jealous Rampage,)
I Officially Was Diving,
(Head First,)
Into An Attempt At Love.
…And So It Began.
This Attempt At Love,
(Peter, And Myself,)
The Classic “First Girlfriend, First Boyfriend,”
Each Other’s First Kiss,
(Bullshit, Bullshit, Bullshit,)
I Suppose,
I Couldn’t Discover My Full,
(Awesome,)
Potential,
(Until After-The-Fact.)
Though,
I Was Young,
(Naïve,)
I Found Myself Head-Over-Heals,
(In Love,)
With This, Boy.
I Had Wished To Give Him Everything Of Mine:
(Considering My True ‘First’ Kiss,
Stolen,
Sometime Before I Had Met Him.)
I Was Thirteen,
I Was To Stay-The-Night With A Long Time,
Family Friend,
(Kim.)
A Weekly Ritual, Rather.
This Night,
(Unlike The Rest,)
Deciding To Steal Her Parent’s Alcohol,
(Be Naughty While They Slept.)
Kim Had An Older Cousin Staying With Them,
Age Twenty-Three.
He Came Out,
Mid-Night;
Jumped In The Hot Tub With Us.
This Was The First,
(Only,)
Time I Would Have Ever Encountered This Man;
I Could Not Tell You His Name,
I Was A Child,
He Was A Grown Man.
I Remember Lying,
(In Their Guest Bedroom,)
Him,
Draped Upon Me;
Kim Laughing,
(Telling Jokes From The Edge Of The Bed.)
He Removed My Shirt,
Continued To Kiss My Neck,
(And Back,)
Repeatedly,
(As I Lie There…
Listening To Kim Ramble On,
(Regarding Some Peer In Her Middle School Class.)
My Bra Straps
(The Next To Be Unfastened,)
Followed:
A Continuous Battle,
(This Strange Man With Myself,)
Fastening,
Unfastening.
I Became Frustrated,
I Told Him To Stop Undressing Me…
Leading Kim To Begin Jumping Up,
Screaming,
“LET’S PLAY TRUTH OR DARE!”
Some Of These Dares,
An Innocent Game,
(Thirteen-year-old Innocence:)
Eating Dog Food,
Dancing, Ridiculously,
Our Favorite Song,
In Our Underwear,
(That Sort Of Nonsense.)
The Final Memory Of This Evening,
A Dare:
She Had Assigned To Her Cousin,
“I Dare You To Make Out With Jade.”
He Threw Himself Atop Me,
Began To Demandingly Kiss,
(Forcefully, Fondle,)
Roughly Thirty Seconds…
I Nervously Giggled,
Pushed Him Away From Me.
“I Dare Jade To Give Me A Blow Job,”
I Ran To The Bathroom,
Vomited Profusely,
Woke Up The Following Morning In Kim’s Bed.
This Story Has Never Found It’s Way From My Mouth,
(Until This Very Day,)
It Made It Rather Difficult To Look Peter In The Eye,
Pronouncing Him,
“My First And Only,”
For Over Four Years.
I Remember Attending My Summer Theatre Camp Session,
(The Morning Following That Night.)
I Remember My Instructor Telling Us That He Was Twenty-Three Years Old,
(Class Introductions.)
I Remember The Guilt I Felt,
How I Wanted To Crawl Out Of My Skin,
With Every Thought Of My Instructor,
Trying To Touch Me.
Attempting To Process The Age Difference,
With An Association To This New Class Instructor…
I Let Him Violate Me,
This Cousin Of My Friend:
I Chose To Drink,
Underage,
That Night.
I Giggled,
As If It Was Okay,
(While My Mind Desired Violence.)
I Tried To Tell Him To Stop,
I Failed To Relate The Message.
I Should Have Left.
I Should Have Called My Parents.
I Should Have Walked Away From The Situation.
Started A Fucking Riot,
Raged And Swung!
I Didn’t.
I Let It Happen.
I Allowed Myself To Be The Victim.
I Spent Years Attempting To Figure,
Why Sex Felt So Wrong,
(Throughout My Young Adulthood.)
Through Consenting Occasions,
My Mind Would Snap…
My Skin Would Begin To Crawl…
My Light Began To Dim,
A Little Girl,
Began To Sob.
I Was Peter’s First Kiss,
Obvious Upon,
(Eventually,)
Locking Lips With This Lanky,
Tall,
Large Lipped, Boy.
At The Beginning,
It Was Bound,
Someone’s Something,
(Would Be In Or On,)
Something,
Of The Other’s Body.
The First Time,
(I Actually Had ‘Sex’,)
Was Not When I Lost My Virginity.
Peter,
For Some Reason Or Other,
Refused To Lose His Virginity To Me.
No Matter How Many Attempts I Would Make,
He Would Respond,
Same Answer,
“I Want It To Be Special.”
God Knows Why,
I Chose The One Boy,
(Who Didn’t Want To Fuck Anything And Everything,
Just To Say He Had Sex,)
He Just Would Not Let Me Take His V-card From Him.
He Didn’t Seem To Have A Problem Laying Me On The Floor,
Your Hand On My Back,
Holding Me Down,
Sodomizing Me As I Cried;
Manipulating Words,
(Constantly Spewing Out Of Your Mouth)
Babbling On As My Pants Were Removed.
I Told Him I Didn’t Want To Again…
And Again…
I Was Never Aggressive Towards Him,
(Until Later In The Relationship.)
He Did As He Pleased To Me,
(Sexually,)
Whether I Wanted To,
Or Not.
I Walked Back Into My House,
That First Day You Held Me Down,
I Felt That Same Sick Guilt As Before:
Disgusting,
Used,
As If My Innocence Had Been Taken From Me.
I Believe,
Excusing Your Actions,
(As I Had Convinced Myself,)
You Had Ownership Of My Body,
(Payment For An Attempt At Love,)
As If My Wishes Didn’t Matter,
It Was Just “Okay”.
We Were Dating.
I Didn’t Realize How Fucked Up That State Of Mind Is,
(Until Just Recently,)
Actually,
(Tell You The Truth,)
I Am Ashamed,
Believing It To Be “Right,”
(In The First Place.)
I, Suppose This Was Not A One-Way Road,
In Fact,
Our Virginities Sacrificed Through Twisted Trickery,
(Of My Own.)
Soft Ambiance,
Reno911 Playing As Background,
I Informed Him His Sodomy,
Was In Fact Intercourse:
Romance At It’s Finest.
I Want To Remember The Reasons I Loved You,
I Just Can’t Think Of Any.
I Want To Say I Wasn’t Hurt,
(When You Had Me Pick Out Her Birthday Card.)
I Can’t Remember,
If I Loved You,
Or The Idea Of Falling In Love,
(Instead.)
I Am Not A Stupid,
(Naïve,)
Girl:
There Would Have Had To Have Been Reason,
(I Fell Madly In Love With You.)
I Will Never Regret The Lessons,
And The Growth You Gave Me,
Through The “Young Love”,
We May Have Had,
(With One-An-Other.)
The Human Mind Seems To Grasp,
The Darkest Of Memories,
More So Than Of Those That Light The Way;
Harder To Recover The Heartfelt Days,
The Ones Covered In Orange And Yellow Leaves,
(Those Falls’ We Shared Throughout The Years.)
I Believe Our Biggest Conflict,
Was That Of A Superficial Kind;
A Very Conservative White Collar,
Trying To Tame A Tie-dye Dress.
While Shopping In Wal-Mart,
One Fine Afternoon,
My Crazy Spontaneity Leaped,
Grabbing Peter By The Chest.
We Started A Waltz,
In The Middle Of Checkout Number Five.
This Did Not Last,
He Was Not Amused,
My Lack Of Suitable Public Action,
“For The Love Of God,
Please Keep Her Subdued.”
Personality Battles,
The Leading Cause,
(To Our Official Brake Up.)
I Ended Our Relationship,
January 1, 2011,
(Continued To Share My Bed.)
It Was Not Until Valentine’s Day,
A Month And A Half Past,
I Officially Kicked Him Out Of My Bedroom,
A Four Year Waste.
Though We No Longer Shared A Bed,
We Still Lived Under The Same Roof,
(Took The Same Classes.)
Environmental Science Lab,
We Were Required To Attend A Field Trip,
(One Of The Dams,
About Forty-Five Minutes From Campus.)
This Was A Class Activity,
We Rode The Bus All The Way Out There,
Walked Around With Our Thumbs Up Our Own Asses.
The Tour Guide Babbled On For Hours,
The Same Boring Dam Shit,
(We All Learned In Kindergarten.)
I Have The Attention Span Of A Five-Year-Old,
Guess Where Jade Was While Everyone Else Was Pretending To Give A Shit?
Walking Down The Car Rails,
(Participating In Her Own Balancing Act,)
Singing,
(At The Top Of Her Lungs.)
Again,
Peter Was Not Thrilled,
(My Adolescent Actions.)
Proclaimed,
“I Was Embarrassing Him,
Knock It Off!”
Peter Had A Curfew,
(Adolescent In The World Of Him,
And I,
Before The Studies,
(And The Parties,)
Before The Cheat,
(And Lies.)
Ten P.M.
Until Eight-een,
(It Finally Moved To Midnight,)
My Free-Spirited Family,
Curfews Were Something Of Non-Fiction:
A Folk-lore To Scare High School Girls.
(Their Daddies Found Them,
In The Back Seat Of His 98’ KIA Spectra.)
Thirty To Forty-five Minutes Past,
A Tapping At My Window.
Tap,
Tap,
Tapping On My Second Story Window,
A Normal Person,
Ignored it.
“Look Outside,”
The Text That Arrived On My Phone,
Three Minutes Past.
There Was Peter,
Blanket Laid Upon My Lawn.
We Lay Upon The Starlit Cover,
Speaking Of Life,
The Future,
The Dream…
(He Had It All Figured Out.)
The Universe Had Finally All Come Together,
(In Our Heads,)
Every Dream,
(Aspiration,)
Could All Come True.
We Were In Love Under The Stars,
(That Night.)
My Seventeenth Year,
I Was Going To Walk Down The Isle To You,
(Live Happily-Ever-After.)
(Not What Happened,
As You Can Sea,
(The Fun Has Just Begun.)
Peter Was A Grade Older Than Me,
In High School,
Towards His Senior Year…
A Conclusion:
You See,
He Decided,
Join Football,
The Summer Before,
Peter Started Bulking Up,
(Using Steroids,)
What A Bore.
I Was The “Pudgy Adolescent”,
A Grade Behind,
Working Towards Early Graduation.
One Conclusion,
Determined In My Life:
I Need To “Get Hot,”
(So I Could Keep Him Around,)
Come August Of 2009,
Forty lbs. Lighter,
Moving Into A Dorm,
(I Wasn’t Prepared For.)
University of Idaho,
(Go Vandals…)
I Rolled A Fucking Spare.
You Must Understand,
A Couple Of Things,
(About Me,)
In The Form Of My Greatest Pet Peeve.
When You Walk Into A Room,
And Realize,
You’re Running Through Everyone’s Mind.
Either A:
Being Looked At As “The Stupid, Slut,”
(By Those Who Drip Immense Envy,
From Every Orifice Of Their Body…
Or B: You’ve Become A Piece Of Meat,
(Placed Within The Center Of Vultures.)
They Can’t Explain,
(Why You Are Wonderful,)
They Tend To Degrade You,
To Fit You Within Their Perfect,
Cookie Cutter,
(Model,)
Of A Human Being.
Those Who Desire Simplicity,
(Those Fabulously Plain,)
Those Who Never Stand Out,
(Who Can Never Be ‘More’,)
Those Who Search For Outlets,
Religion,
God,
Abstinence,
‘Purity’,
Do So To Give Justification,
(For Mediocrity.)
If You Have Wronged Those Around You,
(If You Have Inflicted Pain,)
Do Not Worry One Bit,
(You’re A Good Person,
You’re No One To Blame.)
You Have Chosen To Be ‘Ratified’,
(By Said Outlet.)
You May See Me On The Party Circuit,
I’m The Pretty Little Blonde,
(Sitting In The Window.)
I’ll Act All Cutesy,
To Attract The Hottest,
(Dumb,)
Assholes Of The Lot,
Allowing Me To Use Them,
(Don’t Worry, You’ll Figure Out The Plot.)
I’m The Ditsy,
Stupid,
Pretty,
Little,
Blonde…
(Everyone Likes To Assume I Am.)
I Got My High School Diploma,
(Ripe Ole’ Age Of Sixteen,)
I’ve Been Drunk At U Of I,
Fucking Wasted…
Creating Havoc,
(Every Night.)
Three Years How?
And Yet NO ONE FUCKING BELIEVES ME,
WHEN I SAY IM A GODDAMN HONORS STUDENT NOW.
Dean’s Listed For Two,
(Three Honor’s Societies,)
Rarely Go To Class,
And Yet…
I’m Kicking College’s Ass.
Who Fucking Does That?
Sitting In My Honors Classes,
Hung Over As Balls,
(Barely Awake,)
Everyone Fucking Looks At Me…
“She Must Be In The Wrong Place.”
No Bitch,
I Don’t Look Like The Female Version Of Elmer Fudd…
(Get Shit Housed Every Night,)
I Did Not Arrive Here VIA Fluke.
IMMA GODDAMN GENIUS BIOTCH,
(GET OFF MY BACK.)
Now I’ve Ranted,
(And Raged,)
On Everyone’s Ignorant Idiocy,
I’ll Get Back To The Important Issues At Matter.
Peter Was A Pathological Liar.
One Time:
He Lied About Taking Down His Christmas Lights,
(With His Dad,)
He “Wanted To Play Video Games”,
Instead Of Hangout With Me,
He “Didn’t Have The ‘Heart’ To Tell Me The Truth”…
Would You Rather LARP?
Or Masturbate On A Cracker?
Staring At Your Warlock Mange,
Instead Of Fucking Your Girlfriend?
I Would Have Preferred The Later,
(Give Me A Little Credit Here.)
What Kind Of Psychotic Bitch Do You Think I Am?
I May Not Be Something,
Of ‘The Step-ford Wives,”
I Sure As Hell Am Not Going,
(Hannibal Lector,)
Eating Flesh Off Knives.
Peter Would Try To Go Behind My Back,
(With Other Girls,)
You Bet Your Ass,
I Had Eyes Where Ever He Was At.
When You Know An Abundance Of People,
You Can Sit On Your Bed,
Getting Reports,
(From People He Had Never Met Before.)
This,
(My Friends,)
The Reason I Died Single;
Not Even Batman Could Two-time My Ass,
(Without Me Knowing It.)
Long Story Short,
Peter Made Me Crazy.
Slap A Pretty,
White,
Vest On Me:
Lock It Up,
(In A Padded,
White,
Room…)
PSYCHOTIC BITCH.
Looking Back On It Now,
I Completely Understand,
(Why He Did,
What He Did.)
Whatever Fucked Up Justification You Can Get Out Of That,
(Sort Of Understand…)
Why You Would Fuck The Mammoth,
Sloth?
Love Child?
(From The Fourth Floor,
That Night After Halloween.)
They Say,
“Karma Is A Bitch.”
We Partied On Halloween,
That Year…
I Walked Upstairs,
(Finding A Bathroom,)
Literally Pushing People Out Of My Way,
(Just To Move.)
Place Was Packed,
Kegs Were Afloat.
I Could Not Explain,
(The Details Of The Whole Ordeal,)
I Remember Walking Into The Bathroom,
Being Welcomed By A Half-Naked Vampire,
Passed Out On The Bathroom Floor.
I Have Been Taken Advantage Of,
(More Often Than I Like To Admit.)
I Once Cried,
(In My Pillow,)
While My Boyfriend Just,
“Went At It.”
Telling Him Constantly,
“I Wasn’t In The Mood…”
(Didn’t Even Notice My Tears,
When He Wiped My Side Of His Cum…
(Or The Entire Way Through.)
Woken Up,
(Asking Same Boyfriend,)
“Why Am I So Messy?”
The Response:
“I Just Had Sex With You.”
(Weren’t You Such A Peach?)
I Had Just Gotten Use To It.
(I Suppose It Was One Of Those Things,)
I Thought,
“He Is My Boyfriend,
I Guess It Is No Big Deal.”
So Help Me God,
I Was Not Going To Let This Passed Out Girl,
Be Hurt,
(In Any Way.)
I Stayed By Her Side,
(Until Her Friends Were Found,)
Luckily,
She Was A Friend Of The Current Tenant,
(Got Her In A Room So She Was Safe.)
I Remember Thinking;
“Karma Has My Back For A While!”
To Beg Him To Stay The Night With You,
(Just This Once,)
To Hear Him Refuse,
No Matter How Hard You Mourn,
You Feel Inadequate.
Two Days Past,
Peter,
Sitting In My Dorm Room,
(On My Computer,)
I Walked Through The Hallway,
From Girl’s Public Shower,
Into My Bedroom.
Being A Mindless Drones In Today’s Society;
The First Order Of Business Post Shower,
(Check The Mobile Device.)
Those Fortunate Enough,
(To Never Experience Heartbreak,)
You Have My Greatest Envy,
(You Have My Greatest Pity.)
Envy:
Obvious Reasons Of Pain,
Sorrow So Great,
(You Tend To Lose Yourself.)
I Can No Longer Say,
“I Have Never Lost Someone Close To Me,”
(Someone I Loved Greatly.)
The Day My Heart Shattered,
I Died,
I Took A Hand Full Of Pills,
To The Bottom Of The Ocean.
(Experienced All Her Stages Of Grief.)
I Could Not Breathe,
I Could Not Eat,
I Could Not Sleep.
I Watched My Entire World,
Rot,
Turn To Ash,
(In Front Of My Feet.)
Most People Would Assume Figuratively,
(I Literally Felt My Soul,
Disintegrate.)
You Have My Pity:
You Will Never See The World,
(As I Do Now.)
Though Dark And Corrupt,
The Innocence Naively,
(Brainwashed,)
From The Day We Are Born:
Is Not,
(Will Never Be,)
Real.
Those Who Are Never Hurt,
Will Believe This To Be,
“This Is A Fallacy.”
Listen,
I Do Not,
Cannot,
Verbally Say,
Any Of This;
(Due To A Lack Of Trust.)
Trust For Anyone,
(To Care.)
Anyone,
(With My Heart,)
An Unfathomable Concept.
It Must Be Written,
(Someone Has To Know:)
My Story,
(And Understand.)
I Was Raped,
(My Innocence Stolen From Me,)
I Was Forced To See,
All Twenty-five,
Different,
Angles…
(Of A Girl Not Much Different,
You See?)
The “Love Of My Life’s Computer,
(Three Separate Times,)
The One To Think I Was Beautiful Before,
(I Lost Weight,)
Looked Me In The Eye,
(To Say How Ugly,
Stupid,
He Saw Me.)
I Finally Accepted My Heartbreak;
Fell Madly “In Love”,
(With My Best Friend,)
We’ll Call Him,
Paul.
When You Are A Child,
You Learn Discipline.
You Find,
“What Is Good?”,
And “What Is Evil?”;
(In Fear,)
Your Father Chasing You Through The House,
A spanking,
(From,
“The Belt,”
Awaiting,
(For Disobeying.)
You Become Adolescent.
You Fall In Love.
This Love Promises You His Future,
His Heart,
His Hand,
His Life.
This First Love Goes To College With You.
(You Are Excited For Independence:
Life As A Collegiate,
An Adult,
(With This Boy.)
This Is Where The Evil You Never Actually Grasped,
(As A Child,)
Starts To Show It’s Face.
He Starts To Leave Your Room,
Earlier,
And Earlier,
Every Night That Pass.
He Will Refuse To Stay The Night With You,
(During The Week Days,)
He Will Not Come To Your Room,
(Till’ Late On Weekends.)
His Phone Will Always Be,
‘Dead’:
(He Will Lose His Fucking Mind,
When You Search Through It. )
You Will Lie In His Bed,
(After Forgiving Him;)
You Will Stare At The Ceiling,
(Unable To Fall Asleep.)
Something Comes Over You,
(You Cannot Remember Having Control,
Over Your Own Body.)
You Remember The Events,
(Clear As Day.)
Sitting Straight Up,
You Will Grab A Notebook,
(Lying On The Floor;)
Your Hand Is Moving,
(In The Dark,)
But You Won’t Remember,
(What It Was,
You Couldn’t say.)
He Will Wake Up,
Ask,
“Are You Okay?”
You Respond By Throwing,
(The Notebook Across The Room,)
Lay Back Down.
He Will Walk Over Toward The Object,
(In Flight,)
Turns On The Light,
(Reads,)
Tears The Paper Out,
Throws It Away,
(Your Delirious,
Masterpiece.)
You Hear Nothing,
(Hysterical Laughing,)
You Must Realize:
You Are Making This Terrible Noise;
You Will Snap Out,
(Of This Possession,)
Referring To Yourself,
(In Third Person.)
He Will Go To Bed;
You Will Draw,
Music In Your Ears,
“Just Make The Thoughts Go Away!”
You Finally Pass Out,
(When The Sun Comes Up.)
You Never Actually Find Out,
(What Your Body Decided To Scribble.)
He Will Tell You,
“You Have Some Serious Demons,
Need Not To Hate Yourself,”
(So Much,)
“None Of This Is Your Fault Baby,
Stop Hating Yourself For Stupid Mistakes,
(I Made)”.
You Ever Realize,
How Much You Really Do Hate Yourself?
People Try To Play Off The ‘Cool’ Persona,
(They Have ‘Never’ Looked In The Mirror,
Been Disgusted With Whom They Had Become.)
Physical Disgust,
(Eleven Years Self Harm,
To The Inside Of Myself,)
Or Flat Out Disgust,
(Of Someone,
You Had Become.)
I Am No Longer,
(Solely,)
Disgusted With Myself Physically,
(For The Heart Break Has Made Me Vengeful.)
I Have Done Things,
(No One Would Want To Admit.)
This Is Not The Same Girl,
(I Was A Year And A Half Ago.)
That Girl Would Have Never Crossed,
(The Lines I Have Allowed Myself To Play Jump-Rope With;
I Broke His Heart,
One Week,
We Were Separated.
I Fell In Love:
He Taunts Me,
(Every Time I See His Face.)
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Chapter 8:
Figuring All The Shit Out: Part 2
I Wish So Dearly,
For Soft Simplicity.
I Am Not Sure I Can Tolerate This Cursed Intellectual Complexity.
Breaking,
Consistently.
Beauty And Intellect Are Doomed Things.
Mastered By Those With The Deepest Demons.
Constant,
Contemplation.
Alone Within A Piece Of Paper:
Seeking, Begging, Pleading…
Someone, Anyone, Please Comfort Me.
Screaming For Unconditional Affection,
Left Cold, Silence, Tears Within A Grey Tee.
Why Won’t He Recognize Me?
Why Can’t He See?
When My Fire Dims At Such Dangerous Light,
When Contemplation Is To Vigorous To Fight.
Like, I Don’t Exist In Much More Than A Pawn In His Game,
Just A Stupid, Foolish Woman, Given Love An Undesirable Fame.
Two, Three, Four In The Morn,
Passed Out On The Bathroom Floor.
Who Cares If Your Breaking,
He Only Desires More.
I’m A Monster,
Psychotic,
A Fucking Lunatic.
Such A Selfish Bitch,
Neediness,
(Her Favorite Niche.)
How Dare She Ruin My Good Time?
She Cannot Even Communicate Without Rhyme.
Who Gives A Fuck If She Happens To Leave?
Why Would Anyone Donate Even Three Seconds To Grieve?
A Love So Deep,
Forgiveness,
(I’m Such A Fucking Creep.)
Insanity: A Crazy Thing,
Inventing Situations,
A Child’s Attention, Crazed To Cling.
His Passion Flows As Heroine Through My Veins.
So Sweet, My Darling:
(My Twin Flame.)
This Part Has Been Especially Difficult For Me.
I Have Found Myself Fighting Demons I Had,
(Thought,)
We Defeated Years Past.
The Unfaltering Self Doubt Returned,
(Ringing Throughout My Psyche,)
Attempting To Draw Me Back.
Much As The Depths Of A Tide,
(Ripping All Forward Movement,)
Extracting Into It’s Daring,
(Dark,)
Endless Mystery.
I Find Myself Using Any,
(All,)
Possible Strength I Can Muster,
Just To Continue Publishing,
(And Writing.)
Upon Giving Life To My Beautiful Daughter,
My Body Took Detrimental Toll Under The Weight,
(That Is “Motherhood”.)
I Spent Eleven Years Self Harming My Digestive Track.
(Starting In Year Twelve,
Continuing Throughout My Adolescence,
Into Young Adulthood,)
Finally Gathering The Strength To End,
This Hardwired Self Hate,
(In Year Twenty-Three.)
Looking Back Through This,
(Decade,)
Of My Life,
I Cannot Help But Feel Exponentially Somber.
Not,
(Necessarily,)
For The Extended Mental Illness I Had Wrapped Myself Into,
Or The Detrimental Long Term Consequences,
(Now Faced As A Daily Reminder,)
However,
For The Loss Of Time.
Time I Could Have Spent,
Manicuring Talents,
Inventing An Answer,
(“Who Am I?”)
I Feel As Though,
Starting Now:
(The Twenty-Sixth Year,)
I Have Only Begun To Live MY Life.
A Quarter Of A Century,
Forfeited.
(Bequeathed.)
Things Of Such Silly Nature.
You Don’t Realize,
(Amongst A Reality Clouded,)
The Absurd Nature Of Your Infected Sensibility.
These Alternative Personalities,
(Alter-Egos,)
Merely Exist,
(Created,)
In Detrimental Loneliness.
In My Nineteenth Year,
I Made The Executive Decision,
(The Purpose Of My Soul,)
I Was An Author,
(Though,)
Dyslexic,
(Struggling With Language In General,)
I Was Born To Write.
I Was Asked Many Times Since This Moment Of My Life,
“What Is Your Book About?”
Replying,
“My Life.”
Always Receiving The Same Reaction,
Too Young To Accurately,
(Deserve,)
An Autobiography.
(A Fair Reaction To This Adolescent Goal.)
This Is,
(Never Was,)
An Autobiography.
“Is It Fiction? Or Non-Fiction?”
It Is Neither,
(And Both.)
This Is The Reality My Mind Lives Within,
This Is My Life,
And It Cannot Be Defined,
(By Titles Established Centuries Before My Time.)
An Organic Evolution Of Written Thought,
(OEOWT.)
How Do We Categorize A Human Mind?
Giving It Stereotypical Structural Confines,
(Another Cage Imposed Through Societal Structure.)
What Would Happen,
(If All The Bullshit Dissipated,)
Society Ceased To Cage Wild Mammals?
(Precious, Intelligent, Humans.)
What If,
The Purview Our Governments,
(Captors,)
And Media,
(Propaganda,)
(Fed Into Our Minds,)
Dissolved Into A Nothingness.
What If We Woke Up?
(Wake Up.)
What If We Could Control Our Lives?
What If We Didn’t Have To Feed THEIR Machine?
Working,
Day In,
And Day Out,
For Employers Who’s Greed Feed Only Themselves.
Lawmakers,
(Millionaires,)
Stealing Our Money To Line Their Pockets.
Taxation,
(Without Representation.)
America Was Founded On Rebels.
People Willing To Die,
As A Means Of Creating Lives They Worked Hard To Deserve.
Look At Us!
JUST FUCKING LOOK.
(We Need To Wake Up.)
Look Around.
Observe The Crumbling,
(Greed Invested,)
Corporation That Is Our Current Governmental Structure.
Using Our Tax Money To Fund Luxurious Lifestyle,
(While Our Citizens Die In The Streets.)
Our Citizens,
Dying,
(Self Inflicted Harm,)
A Sphere Unable To Fit Within The Cog Space Provided.
You Should Be Ashamed Of Yourself,
(And So Should We.)
We Can Be The Change.
We Can Reject Structures That Do Not Define Us.
We Are Not Required To Be “Fiction” Or “Non-Fiction”,
We Are Not Structured To Run Nine To Five,
(While Our Family Grow, Absent Of Us.)
We Should Not Have To Settle For Medieval,
(Royal Trickery.)
What Would You Do?
If A Significant Portion Of Our Country’s Population,
(As A Whole,)
Refused To Pay You Our Hard Earned Currency?
What If…
Communities Chose Where Their Money Belonged,
(Within Their Own Society.)
Would a Young Family Get The Financial Chance To Succeed In Their Lives?
Would They Get The Chance,
To Start Their Family,
(Without Jeopardizing Their Ability To Pay For It?)
REQUIRED BY LAW.
(Laws Written Directly From The Rapacious Medical Industry, Itself,)
More Concerned With Profit Margin,
Than The Margin Between Life And Death.
(The Doctor, Crow Mask Pointed, Ferrari Freshly Polished,)
Simultaneous,
Patient’s Debt,
(Unmanageable,)
In A Wage War Society.
Ripping The Family Home Away,
A Child’s Life,
Affected Upon Birth.
My Baby Took My Knees,
My Digestive Tract,
My Hair…
You Took My Liberty.
My Human Right To The Pursuit Of Happiness.
You Are Responsible,
(For All Those Relatable Stories, Too Common.)
What Would You Do,
If We Refused To Pay You?
How Would You Function?
(Within The System You’ve Created For Us.)
You Are Responsible For The Death,
Claimed By Poverty.
You Are Responsible For The Death,
Claimed By Mental Illness.
You Are Responsible For The Death,
Of Those Who Cannot Afford To Live.
You Are Responsible For The Death,
Derived Through The Poison You Feed Your Needy.
How Fucking Dare You.
Fulfill Your Capitalistic Addiction,
Upon The Corpses You Buried,
(Piled, Naked, Stripped Of Humanity.)
A Modern, Wealth Holocaust.
How Did We Get Here?
Lost Within Our Time,
Guided By Misconstrued Commands,
Our Parents Demanded Upon Us,
(I Suppose.)
Media Propaganda,
Misguiding Our Attention,
Eleven Years Of Wasted Focus.
Pick Your Flavor,
They Have A Magician For Each And Every Little Boy And Girl.
An Impractical,
(Unhealthy,)
Standard To Take and Twirl.
Brainwash The Kids,
OBEY YOUR AUTHORITY!
Separate Them With Judgement and Scrutiny.
Tell Them That “Love” Is Found Within Beauty, Strength.
Laugh At The Ones Who Are Too Intelligent For Your Face.
Tear Them Down!
(Their Too Dangerous To Keep.)
Drive Them To Madness!
(Will Make Millions Off The Story Next Week.)
They Think Too Much!
They Are Imperfect!
(In Compliance,)
Though,
Adolescently Meek.
Steal Their Fucking Future!
Take The Crosses They Bare!
Crosses,
Crosses,
Let’s Not Go There,
(Just Yet.)
We Are Coming For You Too,
You Greedy Mother-fucking Threat.
Your Day Will Come,
When The Millennial Revolution Begin,
We Will Be Coming For You All,
Determined Through Chelsea Grin.
When I First Began This Project,
(Recently, Not The Beginning,)
My Husband Advised Me To Be Cautious.
“Don’t Get Lost In It.”
I Didn’t Understand What He Meant,
(Brushed Off, “It’s Just A Bit.”)
The Further I Work,
The More I Realize,
It’s Equivalently Trying With Clean Eyes.
Pursuit To Relinquish,
(Angst Of Failure.)
Though,
What Is To Fail?
With Nothing To Lose?
Excuses,
Excuses,
I’ve Told Every One.
Attempting To Bruise,
My Purpose In Life,
A Battle Permanently Won.
(At Times,)
The Greatest Journey Is Not That Of Which,
You Have Guided By Your Own Hand,
(Rather,)
The Distance In Which You Are Guided,
Amongst The Benefit Of Something Greater,
(As A Whole.)
A Paradox,
(Guided Toward An Unprecedented Stride For Ultimate Freedom.)
A Sea Of Voices,
(Holding You Down,)
Drowning Within Other’s Desires,
Directing A Life,
(Designed, Un-inhabitable For A Bird.)
A Bird Has No Business Within The Sea,
Parallel,
We Have No Business Bowing Down To Thee.
A Haze Of Words Suffocating My Soul:
I Can Barely Breathe,
Trapped Within A Cage Of Societal Things
(Meaningless When One Cannot Be Seen.)
Spiritual Beings With Human Experiences.
(Most Unaware Of Which This Means.)
To The Man Which Sits Behind Closed Bars,
(The One Who Thrives For Play And Fun.)
To The Girl Who Dreams Of Living In The Stars,
(The One, Simply, Desperate To Find The Sun.)
An Idea Of Fulfillment:
Their Beautiful Souls Urning,
(Unacceptable At Best.)
“To Lead A Life,”
(Rather Than Some Joke,)
Running Through Toke;
Finally, Please God, Put Their Tired Souls To Rest.
Free The Sore Feathers From My Back,
(Caked In Tar,)
Dripping Black.
Release The Ropes,
(Holding Her Here,)
Open The Galaxy,
(Allure And Near.)
Show Him Clarity,
(Silence The Voices Logging The Mind.)
An Unwavering So Deeply Filled,
(From Places Most Choose Not To Find.)
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Chapter 13:
Into The Forest
“Get Up.”
(Get Up.)
I Rise.
Laying Upon My Posterior,
(Inconsequently Inferior.)
I Stay,
(Inquisitively,)
Here.
“What Now?
Where?
(How?)”
“Get Up!”
Vivian Resonating,
(Throughout My Conscious.)
“Get Up!”
“Vivian,”
(I Sigh,)
Siting Upon The Damp Growth,
(Beneath Me.)
“Vivian,
I Have Been Waiting For Help,”
(Peering Amongst The Dew.)
“Don’t You Get It?”
(Vivian Ringing Through,)
“There Is No One Coming,
(To Help You.)
You May,
(Dream Amongst The Bay,)
You May,
(Cower And Stay,)
You May,
(Pray And Pray…)
You May,
Beg And Plead,
(Make It All Go Away.)
The Longer You Wait,
(The Longer You Stay,)
The Further You Will Fade,
(Such Lost Dream’s Decay.)
There Is No Business For You Here,
(Yet.)
Get Up!
(Get Up.)”
I Look Out,
(Amongst The Star Dust;)
Hollering,
(Why Can’t I Just Fucking Leave?)
Wiping Mucus,
Across The Heart,
(Upon My Sleeve.)
“I Have Been Here,
(My Whole Existence.)
I Keep Attempting Adventure,
Live Beautifully,
(Draped In Sheer.)
My Body Is Mutated…
(Torqued,)
Knees Shackled,
(Oblique.)”
“You Accept,
(They Broke You?)
I Hadn’t Expected,
You’d Be So Weak.”
(Sleek,)
Slipping Down,
(W. Pitty Bend.)
This Isn’t The End.
You Have Made Promises,
(Those To Whom Your Heart Throbs:)
You’re A Woman Of Dignity,
No More,
(The Girl Who Sobs.)
I Had Thought,
Your Material Woven Graphene;
(Molded Amongst Polythene.)
Internally Intertwined,
(Carefully Taught.)
Such Vast Happenstance,
(In Life,)
How Unexplainable…
The Rain Glistening Upon The Pavement,
Producing Distinct Essence,
(Saturated Asphalt,)
Filling Space Around This…
(The Comfort Of New Life.)
I Sit,
Gazing Upon Droplets,
Bouncing Amongst Saturated Wood.
(Boarding,)
Beneath My Feet:
(Waltzing,)
Upon The Sound Of My Winding Thoughts.
Brain Tangled,
(Saturated Un-satisfaction;)
I Cannot Contain This Drastic Thought Wandering:
(Those Darkest Areas Within My Mind…)
In Which I Desperately Attempt…
Such An Act,
Such Sweet Sensation,
(Intertwined.)
Swirling,
(Tumbling…)
Down…
Down Amongst The Deepest Facets Of My Person;
(Pulling My Current Consciousness…)
Toward This World Of Nonsense,
(Desperation.)
If Love Can Change The World…
(Move Mountains…)
Such As I Have Lead Myself To Believe…
(This Long…)
Why Must There Be Such A World,
(Surrounded And Engulfed,)
With Pain And Loneliness?
(Masked In Such Sweet Song.)
I Sat There,
Cowered,
(Shamed…)
I Cried To Him,
The Cold Response…
(Left Me Maimed.)
“My Knees Hurt,
They Crack In Pain!”
To Sit In Rain…
My Only Claim:
My Efforts,
(Draped In Shame.)
No Family Ties,
(Leaving Such Somber Name.)
Not One Drop Of Blood,
(Amongst This Chilling Rain,)
“Get Up,
(Get Up!)”
I Feel A Party Within The Mist,
The Water Vaporization,
Vibrating Simultaneously,
A Quiver:
Such,
(A Sensibly Soft Trick.)
Dancing,
Along The Brain Stem;
Dripping Amongst,
(Such Beautiful Spinal Cords,)
Ringing In Such Highs,
(And Lows,)
Synchronizing Within Beat,
(Composed Of Comfortable Foes.)
How Exciting Could It Be?
“A Party, Just For Me!”
I Couldn’t Imagine;
The Last Time I Was A Celebration.
The Last Time I Felt Calm,
Effortless Appreciation.
Extremities,
(Covered In Muck,)
Mud,
Blood,
Endless Despair:
Spread As Wild Fire,
“That’s All You Will Get, Here.
Get Up,
You Will Find Your Way,
There Is No Doubt,
Your Clarity Remain Work,
(If You Wish It Stay...)
Allow Such Beautiful Seed,
Gain Reassurance;
(Formulate Healthy Sprout.)
You Pray:
‘My Love,
Please,
Let Me Give Up.
Please Let Me Focus,
(Upon Mediocre Things….)
Leave These Wild Pipe Dreams…
Dreams Of Things,
Things Without Strings.
Let Me Fake This Desire:
(Writing To Capture Self Power.)
Give Me An Excuse To Fail,
Let Me Kill The Never-ending Tale…’
Such A Tale,
Consistent Of Dramatic Fail…
Desire To Sail…
Far,
Far,
Far Away…
So Far,
I Lose Sight Of Our Bay.
This Land Written Curse:
Tainted From False Hurst,
Crashing Our Love,
(Within Our Home,)
Extremities Buried Within That Black Sand…
Forever,
(Together,)
We Destined Upon That Land.
Surviving Tide Struck,
Bound In love,
Such Luck,
(Dressed In Despair…)
I Will Find That Ship,
Such Infamous Freedom…
(Transport Us There.)”
No One Ever Said,
“Self Fulfillment Came Easy.”
Denying Past Happenstance,
Assuringly Labeled “Sleazy.”
“Find The Rabbit,
He,
(Of All,)
Render True…
Beware The One With Yellow Eye,
His Path Will Only Trick.
Learn What You Need,
(This Naïve Mistake,)
Learn To Show Yourself…
Without Feeling “Fake”.
Divide What’s Inside,
Follow Your Guide:
Your Heart?
(Drag It Directly Toward The Tide.)
The Hymns Will Ring,
Falling Short Of Expectation…
This Is,
My Dear,
A Timeless Plot Put In Motion,
Originating Within This Situation.
Gracefully Walk Along,
Do Not Stay To Long…
Less The Prophet Cry,
(Forever Within Song.)
You Are Never Alone,
I Will Guide You,
(Along Your Way…)
It Is Time To Get Up,
My Dearest Friend…
It Is Time,
You Finally Find Your Way…
Just Get Up, TJ.”
“Stick To Your Guns”
Such Rhythm,
(Inconsequentially,)
Filling My Lungs.
I Plant My Feet Amongst The Earth,
(Knees Lock In Place,)
Childbirth Left Additional Girth,
(Gravity Pull Heavy Upon Such Case…)
Snap,
Crackle,
CRACK…
Each Buckle Beneath Me…
“Try Again TJ.”
I Took A Deep Breath Within…
Planted My Feet,
(This Time In Dedication:)
Lifting Self Upon These Toes,
Hips Shifting,
Preparation In Combat,
(Centuries Discard False Foes.)
Left Foot Slip,
Broke My Fucking Hip,
(Fuck This.)
I Fucking Cried Till The Owls Called,
“Are You Okay, TJ?”
“No….
I’m Not Fucking Okay.
Nothing Works,
I’ve Lost Prime Years To Insecurity,
The Cowardice Kind,
(The Type That Lurks…)
I Lost So Much Fucking Time,
Lost In Others Crime:
Finding Comfort Within A Cheap Dime.
I Still Entangled In Severed Strings…
A Puppet Cut Free,
(Doesn’t Cut This Pain Of Broken Things;)
So Dear To My Heart…
Harmonious Harp Hymns,
Played Amongst These Heart Strings.
This Pain Is Excruciating.”
“You Must Get Up,
Don’t You See?
The Muck Beneath You Will Devour You:
(It Preys On Weakness To Be…)
The Creatures Within Will Sleek Upon Your Mind,
Manipulating Their Pain Into False Shame,
(The Consequences Render Unkind.)
Remove These Strings,
A Tourniquet To Your Sanity…
They No Longer Control You.
You No Longer A Puppet To Be…
You Are A Soldier,
Beginning Preparation;
(Mankind’s Ultimate Combat.)
Human Kind:
(A Theoretical Wombat,)
Lacking Emotional Sensation…
You Are The Mother Reaper,
‘Tis Your Duty:
(Preserve Divine Creation.)
A Divine Species:
Divinity Does Not Discriminate,
It Is Not A Skin Tone,
It Does Not Judge Upon Culture…
(Nor Religious Background.)
It Does Not Care Where You Have Been…
It Does Not Mind Where You Are Born.
It Does Not Hate,
(You Do That Enough Yourself,)
Come,
(Make Haste.)
Heaven And Hell Are Places On Earth…
Within Cognitive Mind,
(Creative Imagination…)
Dreams Are But Determination,
(Failure But Self Sabotage…)
And The Limbo In Between…
That’s What You See…
In Corporate Cubical…
Drained Of All They’d Ever Been…
Demons Are Subconsciously Stored Memories…
(People Battling Their Own Temptations,)
Imprinted Upon An Innocent:
Death Of Perfect Creation.
Angles Are Those Whom Are Given,
Dropped To The Earth For Guidance And Care…
Angles Are Easily Converted,
Flight To Swim…
Those Whom Illuminate The Brightest…
(Are The Deepest To Dim.)
Down,
Down,
Down Below The Depths Of The Nacreous Sea:
Though Black Within A Blue Written Night…
The Pain Will Ascend,
Radiating Such Splendorous Light.
There Is No Crest Without An Equal Tide,
Newton’s Third Law:
‘For Every Action,
There Is An Equal And Opposite Reaction.
A Pair Of Forces Acting On The Two Interacting Objects;
The Size Of The Force On The First Object,
Equals The Size Of The Force On The Second Object.’
-The Physics Classroom
You See:
There Is No “Good”,
And There Is No “Evil”…
Just Duality,
Situation,
Opportunity,
Opposition,
And A Moral Sense Of Reality.
Human Is Birthed Innocent:
Experience Brings Trauma.
Trauma Is A Plague:
If Cared For In Haste,
An Innocent May Walk Away…
When Left;
Trauma Festers…
It Buries Deep Within The Psyche,
Infecting Such Sweetness To Bitterness.
Bitterness Gossips With Rage,
Rage Seduces Wrath…
Wrath Finds It’s Outlet In Many Forms:
Lust Betrays Those Whom We Rely For Trust,
Gluttony Betrays Thyself Of Proper Care From Lust,
Sloth Betrays Ones Joints Creating Lifelong Creak,
Requiring Additional Effort To Render Oneself “Sleek”.
Envy Spews As Consequence Of All Above:
(Crafting Insecurity As Dye Through An IV Titled “Love”.)
A Polished Narcissus Hath Been Born:
Drowning Within A Shallow Puddle,
Falsely Projected “Self Love,”
Masking Deadly Self Loathing…
Procuring Defense Mechanisms,
(Alluring Mental Prisons,)
Death By Suicide:
For How Could One Trust?
(It’s Easier To Become Alone,)
Entrust No Other Than One’s Self…
A Word So Profound:
How Could One Become So Lonely?
(Are You Found Amongst Thy Self?)
You Cannot Be Taken For Captive,
You Are Guarded Above All Else…
Couldn’t You Become Happier?
Endure A Divine Test?
Don’t Misjudge Yourself.
(Take Heed,)
One Mustn’t Underestimate Greed…
Greed Is The Python You Capture And Take Pet;
It Services You,
(All The Finest One Could Bet…)
A Beautiful Soul Can Easily Infect…
While Sleeping One Evening:
(A Venomous Bite To The Chest…)
The Antidote Does Not Exist,
(How Does One Turn Back On Currency?)
Providing Such Sensual Security…
Can Humility Claim?
The Divinity Of A Soul,
Greed-Written In Shame?
Actions Guided…
(Such Malicious Profitable Gain:)
Such Claim,
A Last Desperate String Remain…
(A Lifelong Petty Game.)
Divine Species Rely Upon Light.
They Are Kind,
(Generous,)
Full Hearted.
They Are Wise,
(Logically Inclined,)
Pestered By Simplicity Of Mediocrity.
Their Goals Are Equally Funded,
(Selfless Motives For Selfish Dreams,)
Guided By Morality.
Divinity Is Not A Birth Right,
(Instead,)
A Never Ending Wager…
(Tug Of War,)
Amongst Determination,
(Against Self Sabotage,)
A Journey For Salvation:
Painful Rebirth In Camouflage.
You Must Become Relentless,
Render Judgment Senseless…
For If You Can Find Your Way,
(Within This Lost Forest…)
You Can Capture Your Bay,
(No Longer Just Tourist.)
No One Will Give It To You,
(They Will Always Turn Their Back…)
No One Will Believe In You,
(Lest They Find Proof In Which They Lack…)
Do Not Be Fooled By Their False Praise,
Just Ask The Onesler:
(His Blood Stricken Within Greed-Written Gaze.)
I Must Be Going,
(I Shall See You Inside…)
It Is Time Now To Get Up,
Your Future Arrive.”
The Air Became Silent,
(A Void,)
Where Her Soft Somber Rang Clear:
I Wipe The Mud From Upon My Face,
Muster To Secrete One Final Tear.
“I Must Become Relentless…”
This Slither Of Sound Slip Between My Lip,
A Little White Box Emerge From Within The Muck;
Labeled,
“Tools To Mend Shackled Knees And Broken Hip.”
A Drill Conjoining Industrial Size Screws…
“…Fuck.”
Four In Each Knee…
A Large One For The Hip…
I Bite Down Upon My Book’s Wooden Lip.
Teeth Marks Emboss,
Blood Spatter,
(Un-saturated Ground Loss…)
One,
Two,
Three,
Four…
One Knee Down,
(Endure Your Pain Some More,)
Reap The Befits…
(Creation Of Lore.)
Five,
Six,
Seven,
Eight…
These Indestructible Joints Won’t Faint,
(Repercussions: Stagnant Sloth Takes Lead On This Shore.)
Just One More Screw…
(The Largest Of Them All:)
My Hands Tremble,
(Quiver…)
The Pain But Only A Few Lonely Seconds Tall.
A New Tool Appeared Within This Little Box,
Written In Invisible Ink,
“You Must Cauterize Your Wounds,
Till The Screws Illuminate Red Pink,
Procuring Your Flesh To Sizzle And Stink.”
Filling The Space Where My Drill Previously Lie…
Now Lay A Diathermy Instrument,
(Awaiting My Thigh.)
“FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK…
FUCK!!!!!”
“Yes,
Yes Now…
Now You May Enter This Forest Of Fears,
Tears,
Soaked,
(Such Blood Thirsty Cloak.)
A Legend Of Mirrors,
(All Lined In A Row…)
Can You Dodge Such Foe?
Tuck And Hide,
You’ll Never See Pride…
When The Octo-Cyprus Take Your Hide…
Don’t Be Mad,
It’s Only A Land Of Physics…
It’s The Same Sea,
(As You See Through Me:)
When The Classics,
Turned Out,
(Druggie Basics.)
The Saddest Situation?
Your One In A Million,
Living On A Planet:
(Of 7.53 Billion.)
Which In Conclusion:
Your Basic Even If You Are Special…
Your Now One In Seven Thousand,
Five-Hundred,
Thirty.
(Improbable To Comparing Structural Sturdy;)
Not One Single Who,
(Left To Shit Not One Single Clue,)
When You’re Just Pushing Thirty,
Why You Should Matter Enough…
(Continuation Of Existence, Too.)
It Starts Real Low,
You See?
The People Who Depend On Me,
(Those Same To Believe Within Me.)
I Have Come To Mark My Respects,
(I’m Not The One Making It Out Of This Mess.)
I Could Come With Stride,
Dip My Feet Within These Shallow Puddles,
(Ink. Dipped Within Pride,)
I Can’t Help But Digress,
(This Beauty Within Such Stress.)
Next Step?
Defeating All The Bets,
Becoming One In Seven Thousand,
Five Hundred,
Thirty.
I Have Ever Only Loved You, TJ…
(A One In A Million’s Chance:)
I Must Run Off Now,
This Music Lures A Lustful Dance…
I Will See You Amongst The Creatures Of The Forest,
We Shall Reconvene Inside,
(Preferably By Full Moon’s Chance.)”
Once More,
My Fingers Linger Along My Lore:
Oiled Wood,
(Lining These Finger Prints.)
Hesitating Upon Thought…
Just One Last Time…
I Flip To Her Scribbled Heart,
(Distinct From The Rest.)
She Was Smart,
So Very Cunning…
(To Be Honest:
Radiantly Stunning.)
She Could Gather a Crowd,
In A Flick Of Her Wrist,
A Supernatural Charm;
Her Strides Atop The List.
She Was A Scrappy Survivor,
Occurred Delicately,
(Behind Soft Fist.)
(I Have Been Avoiding This.)
A Drunk…
Surviving Each Day:
Account For Loneliness,
Disregard,
(Hate…)
Behind A Forty…
Or A Wine Box For Taste…
Drinking Cheap Tequila From A Sippy-cup…
(Depression Holds A Sloppy Face.)
“Vivian,
I Don’t Wish For You To Leave:
They Will Mock Me,
Wearing Your Heart Upon My Sleeve…
You Are My Armor…
I’m Afraid To Drown,
(Within That Harbor.)”
“TJ,
You Do Not Get To Make These Choices.
This Was Always Determined,
Less You Wish,
Forever In Love With Imaginary Voices.
This Option Is Not Meant For You,
You Will Walk With Substantial Stride:
Sprouting Healthy Seed Amongst Your Tide.
You Will Not Need Me Upon This Shore…
Go,
Finish Our Lore.”
Her Silence Rang Loud Upon My Eardrums…
Her Lore Fills My Head,
Masked Within A Crashing Shore:
Tattered-Rag Bound Conundrums…
I Line My Fingers Amongst The Rag,
(Sequential To Jade’s Torment In Lag.)
I Know,
(That Of Which,)
I Do Not Wish To Read,
Afraid Others Shall Mislead…
In A World Of Lonely Substantial Sand,
Through The Forest,
My Dreams Can Foot,
(Given Energy To Stand.)
“Look,
Look Out Amongst The Mist:
Can You Hear?
(These Creatures Are Sin-kissed.)
Do Not Stop,
(Nor Stare;)
Less This Muck Devour You,
(Drag You Deep Within The Infirmary Lair.)
They Will Eat Your Mind,
(Savor You Alive…)
You Must Spark A Deal,
(I Know This Produces Coward And Cringe…)
But She Will Protect You,
(After He Take Me Away From Here.)
I Cannot Survive,
I’m Covered Within Envious,
(Lustful Hide.)
The Octo-Cyprus Will Come,
(Rides To Pay My Toll.)
Only Then,
Shall Your Contracted Soul,
Be Reciprocated:
Your Payment In Full.”
Her Words Begin To Swirl And Flutter Before My Eyes,
Lining A Clear Path,
(My Insignificance Cannot Hide.)
In Capturing That Menial Energy,
Captivation Of “Impossible” Dreams...
My Tools Set Aside,
(Succumb To Sink Within This Muck.)
Pulling My Weight,
My Knees Kick In Lock…
A Broken Hip:
(Given Zero Clearance,)
Desiring Significant Failure To Mock.
I Stand In Strength,
One Foot,
Before Another…
(Each Step Gaining Length.)
The Leaves Crunch,
(Each Branch Concerns Break.)
The Impact Of These Feet Carry Fragility…
I Shatter In Trepidation Of Which Become Near:
Marching Into The Forest,
Salvation Is Quite,
(Finally,)
Here.
Into The Forest, We Go…
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