#Sorry for the low effort doodle I dont feel like putting a lot of effort into art rn Im mostly writing | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

oiruse · 2 years

Text

Ego, Obsession and Fear.

I dont like twitter 'cause it limits my text so much and I'm the kind who likes to write LONG paragraphs , but I'll do my best to sum it up.

I'm also revealing a bunch about myself, but I feel it might be healthier for me to be honest about this than to keep it all to myself, and it will also hopefully help folks understand my strange behaviour.

A lot of folks have been wondering where I've been and why havent I replied to anything lately at all, and to put it simply, a HUGE part of it is because of the unhealthy ways I’ve been accustomed to relate myself to folks.

When I was younger, besides my cousins, I had only 3 close friends. One of them I hung out with at school, the other on weekends, and the other every few months and sometimes years. I loved them all very much, and I was INMENSELY happy that way.

But as soon as I discovered the internet and Art communities, I started to expand my social life and circles a TON. I started meeting LOTS of wonderful people. So many wonderful folk who I love very dearly.

I’m not gonna lie, i have a BIT of an ego and I like to give GREAT impressions to folks. I like making people feel happy and loved and cared for. And one of my fav ways to do that has always been to surprise them by drawing or things for them. I always did this for fun!

And I still do, although nowadays I tend to do this SPECIALLY after I havent talked to them in a LONG time because it was a way for me to say with sincerity “I’m sorry for the belated reply. I remember you, and I genuenly still care for you!”. And of course, on their birthday, I'd always have a Birthday gift ready for them! And if not, I'd do my best to make one eventually, even if it's days, weeks, or even months later.

I did this ALL THE TIME back in the day, when I lived with my parents, jobless, so I had a LOT of free time, fewer friends, my art was simpler and less detailed.

But now I have to bills pay, I’ve made a TON of great friends, friends who have helped me, inspired me, and who I REALLY, Genuenly love and care about a LOT. My art has improved and is a lot more detailed. And thanks to all of them, I have now a job. A GREAT Job that I’m Extremely thankful for.

But I am Still Really Badly Obsessed with keeping things the way they used to be. It’s like my brain wont allow me to communicate with people unless I have something to show, something for me to be able to express to them that I care.

It happens most of the time, and it SPECIALLY happens with people who have done GREAT things for me, support my art and job, offer me wonderful or unforgetable experiences, saved me from trouble and harm, or keep me sane by listening to what I have to say. Folks who I appreciate a LOT. And Even MORE when I havent talked to them in a long time. Weeks, sometimes Months, and occassionally Years. In those cases I just CANNOT deny them the gift of a doodle in order to show them my appreciation.

And I dont do its out of any obligation by the way. NONE of my friends ask me to draw for them. None. They all genuenly respect me and my time and understand it takes time and effort, thought and energy to draw and dedicate to them. It’s not their fault. I just genuenly love to surprise folks out of my own personal desire. I LOVE surprising and rewarding folks I appreciate. But I think I might have reached my limit.

I’m probably one of the most introverted people you’ll EVER know. And I’ve reached that point where my "anti-social energy" has drained so low that now, and because of my job, which involves art, (which also means isolating myself a LOT of the time in order to concentrate,) I just have no energy or time to catch up to everything and everyone.

Yet I still have this mental fight and struggle againts giving up almost every day.

“All your friends in the past have had the advantage of getting art from you for years. Why are you denying that same happyness to folks you've recently met? what about new people you meet from now on? That’s not fair to them! In Fact you should be thanking these people even MORE! They’re PAYING for your Independence, which is something you’ve been looking for SINCE FOREVER!!”

And I Fight and struggle and fight. Its like I try to be this justice warrior that wants everyone to be the SAME happy no matter who they are as long as they help me and support me.

And I am AWFUL at dealing with it in a reasonable manner. All throughout my life I've always loved to give it my all. My favourite thing is for good people to be rewarded with happyness. With a climax. And If someone is left out, Then It’s like I’ve failed. If I cant give it my all, to everyone, then I shouldn't even bother trying. That my time and efforts arent worth it, because they arent fair to everyone around me.

It’s basically either everyone gets happyness, or everybody has to wait, no matter how long, until they ALL can get it. all at ONCE. (There's sometimes some exceptions, but most of the time my brain/feelings DEMAND me to go "ALL or NOTHING" .)

And I’m very aware what I want is legit Impossible, and that all of this is a really bad obsession and most likely a mental problem of some sort that I’ve developped and fed over the years. I might probably need actual professional help, but What makes me happy is that I dont have to blame anyone other than myself. All my friends and family have shown (and still show) genuine care, support and respect for me in this aspect and I appreciate them so much for it. And that actually helps. I'm NOT an abuse victim of any kind. This is all on me and my own brain and ego, and It's on me to change that.

And I just have to figure out how to deal with this. I probably just have to start behaving like a normal human being and understand and respect my limits and lower my ego a bunch.

I love to think of myself as being this special thing destined to mass produce happyness and satisfaction everywhere I go (which is how I've seen myself for literally half of my entire life). But I have to give it all up and look for other ways to achieve something close to it without draining myself dry. I bet most folks would already be more than happy to just hear about my whereabouts through text.

It's just really hard because of fear. Fear of becomming the opposite of that.

I'm afraid that folks will be dissapointed by this change. By not being "as good as I used to be" anymore... by becoming "normal". To stop working on birthday gifts for everyone from now on, and simply say "Happy birthday!" on time in stead.

I just want to be productive again. If I focus too much on individuals, I'll never be able to reach the masses. I LOVE making ALL of my friends happy, but I also want to help make the world a better place. And for that, I also need my own time and energy too. I wouldnt want anyone to go through what ive been going through, to end up obsessed, paranoid, anxious or depressed over me for small details. I'd rather my friends and family do their own thing and be happy doing it, wether I'm included or not. And I believe it's only fair if I offered myself the same deal.

I want to stop being afraid to be a "Lesser" person. I'm just a human being. Well maybe a bit of a cat, but mostly MOSTLY human. Haha.

Thank you for reading.

-Oi

1 note · View note

generous-dimensions · 5 years

Note

darling & love bug 🥰

darling - what romantic gesture makes you feel the most loved?

my 2 languages of love are affection and gift giving so like ?? those ?? i guess?? im a very cuddly clingy bitch and love even just. small things like thumbs brushing or leaning on someone’s shoulder. gift giving is a little bit more i like to GIVE gifts but. sometimes having someone reciprocate that is rlly nice bc to me it’s about the thoughtfulness and having like, something physically tangible to remind me oh, this person thought of me or felt this way ! not necessarily even like a Gift Gift but. being given anything like letters or doodles or scraps of memories (im a hoarder of sentimental items)

love bug - what song would you love to have sung to you?

oh fuck i have like 4 sappy playlists this is such a tough one bc i love… love songs…. immediately i thought of happy if you’re happy by matt and kim or lover by devendra banhart. im also gonna say all night forever by twrp

im not sure if u meant another ask w that (sorry!!!) so im gonna pick one at random ?

doll - what’s your favourite outfit?

rn ive been wearing a lot of dresses w a denim jacket + fishnets !! makes me feel rlly cute n feminine but it’s sorta low effort (imo dresses are the best bc people THINK you’re dressed up when rlly it’s less energy in the morning bc i dont have to worry abt pants and shirts matching and put more stuff on ??) but let’s be real

rainbow jumpsuit??? fanny pack??? high top vans?? the jacket from the junk in the trunk video?? a god tier look i can never recreate again bc it was Too Powerful

EDIT: OMG THAT’S AN EMOJI IT WASN’T SHOWING UP AND JUST TURNED INTO A STRING OF NUMBERS AFTER AN & SO I THOUGHT U MEANT ANOTHER ASK OOPS

#ty!!!!!!!!!!!!!!#anonymous #ask marm

1 note · View note