Smokey brand Postmortem: Slow and Steady

It’s been a few weeks since Star Wars: Obi-Wan Kenobi concluded and the discourse around it has subsided. Mostly. I, personally, liked a lot of the show. I think there was something special there but, overall, kind of a missed opportunity. When it was airing, i defended what i felt was the potential of this show, the story not told. There were bones of something great there but i think, upon a send binge viewing, The Fandom Menace was kind of right. Obviously, Kenobi is much better than what these zealots declare, the Vader parts and McGregor’s acting, alone, is enough to make this a decent watch, but there are issues that rose to the top for me. I tried to just kind of let this pass but it’s been bugging me for, like, three days. So, because of this incessant, unyielding, urge, for the first time in some time, i got a Postmortem to do!

Issue: Plot

Now, there was nothing wrong with the narrative we got. The writing could have been stronger but, overall, i liked the adventure this show sent the Punished Kenobi on. I think it went a long way to establishing a relationship between he and Leia, which made sense as to why she was so comfortable with him in A New Hope. All that said, there was way too many sub-plots going on here. The stuff with Reva. Vader and Kenobi. Kenobi and Leia. There simply wasn’t enough time to any of these plots justice.

Fix: Focus on one or two story lines.

This first season (and that will play into the next issue, believe me) should have been far smaller, far more intimate. The focus should have been on Kenobi, Reva, and Leia. You can still have the galactic planet hopping or whatever, but introducing Vader, Tala, the other Inquisitors, even the Uncle Owen sub-plot, all should have been scrapped. This should have been a Kenobi and Leia story where they are pursued by Reva. This would have allowed more character development, more time with the would-be Grand Inquisitor. She could have been built up as a character instead of a glorified diversity hire and given time to endear herself to the audience. Imagine if we had a whole season of this chick, in a deadly cat-and-mouse with Kenobi? Imagine every time they crossed paths, she vividly forces memories of Anakin in Kenobi. Like, she says something Anakin would say or she uses his Lightsaber form in a scrap or two, all of which flash back to different points in the Clone Wars where the Anakin and Kenobi interact. These Force Visions, a side effect of Kenobi steadily reacclimating to using his abilities, culminate in a final battle between Reva and Kenobi which mirrors the one Kenboi had with Anakin on Mustafar. Less spectacular, of course, but Reva is no Skywalker, so of course. That’s what this first season should have been: Kenobi coming to terms with his shortcomings during the Clone Wars, trying to save Reva as a substitute for failing Anakin, while protected one half of his Padawan’s living legacy. Until the end when Reva drops the news that Anakin is alive and he’s Vader, forcing Kenobi to reach out through the force for the first time in a decade, only to be met with Vader’s intense malice.

Seriously, imagine the impact this would have had, after a season of Kenobi and Leia on the run, intermittent clashes with Reva, culminating in a proper Prequel style lightsaber duel which cost Reva an arm or something. She’s prone, defeated, Kenobi standing over her with regret all over his face. He didn’t want to do this. Not to her, not anyone. Not again. Reva is laying there, spewing all sorts of vitriol, trying to trigger Kenobi to finish her. She’s angry, petulant, cruel with her words. The old Jedi tries to ignore his maimed adversary until she utters something he never believed possible: “He’s alive, Master Obi-Wan. Anakin is alive.” Kenobi pauses for a second, registering what he just heard. He glances back at her, scorn and disbelief on his face, only to be met with manic joy on hers. She wounded him. She may have lost an arm or whatever, but she inflicted much more upon his heart. Kenobi rushes back to the transport, making it just in time before departure. After reassuring a panicked Leia, Kenobi sits and, for the first time in a decade, reaches out through the Force, searching for his old Padawan. The Padawan he dismembered. The Padawan he killed. What reaches back is not his Padawan, not anymore. The screen pulls into a visibly disturbed, closed eyed Kenobi until it cuts to black and all you hear is the pained whisper, “Anakin”. Jump cut to Vader opening his eyes, full Sith mode, in the bacta tank. He knows that Kenobi is alive. He felt tit. He felt his Master. We slowly pull out to reveal the innermost chamber of the Mustafar castle as Imperial Guards move to assist Vader’s release from his healing pod. We pull all the way back, seeing Vader’s quadriplegic form, until the doors close on this reveal, jump to credits and the Opening Crawl stinger. Personally, i would have added a Mara-Jade easter egg here, but that’s my own little reworking of the trilogy i got going on the side. Anyway, that’s the cliffhanger for season two, which brings me to my next issue...

Issue: Length

This first season is about two and a half seasons worth of content. There are way too many plot lines going on, way too many retcons to keep up with, and not enough time to properly explore any of it. Again, what we got was fine, but if you wanted to do these characters justice, if you wanted people to actually like anything in this show outside of the nostalgia bait, Darth Vader, and Obi-Wan Kenobi, you needed the time to actually develop these aspects of the show.

Fix 2: Make is multi-season, duh.

This fix is the easiest one. Spread this sh*t out. I know there is a second season of Kenobi announced but that should have been, at the very least, a third. I keep repeating myself, but i liked everything in this show, for the most part, it just needed time and space to breathe. The stuff with the Rebellion could have been an entire second season. We could have gotten a Reva focused first and the Vader stuff in a second. You can even introduced the Inquisitors as a group into this hypothetical season, having them take over for a recuperating Reva. The betrayal of the Grand Inquisitor could still happen, definitely introduce Tala at this point as she is the key to unlock that Rebellion door, and just embellish the main events from the canon first season. My second season would be all about Kenobi and Vader, lil’ Leia and Reva taking a kind of backseat to that primary conflict, the conflict fans signed up for in the first place. Kenobi has accepted the Force back into his life as a necessity because of Reva but this second season is basically him forgiving himself for the monster Anakin had become. Kenobi will never be what he was in The Clone Wars. He is not at the height of his powers and never will be again. What he is, however, is a man on a mission, a knight that must find his chivalric spirit and he does so over the course of this second season. We see Kenobi, throughout this season, reaching out to his Master, Qui-Gon Jin, with no answer. Kenobi is alone and he has to figure out how to make this work. He does, of course, after a season of strained panic and substantial guilt, defeat Vader with calm compassion, finally accepting that Anakin is truly lost. Fully at peace with himself and the Force, Qui-Gon reveals himself with his characteristic snark, “What took you so long?”

Issue: Reva

I love the idea of Reva, not the execution of her. There is so much potential here, so much fertile ground for exploration but that i lost in the mire of forced diversity and racial dog whistles. I am, by no means, supporting the racist, sexist, bullsh*t Moses got for playing the character, but there is truth in how flaccid Reva was as an antagonist and the even more flimsy character work given to her. Reva could have been something special, a true force that matched the other Inquisitors introduced in other content. The gold standard, of course, is Trilla Suduri, the Inquisitor introduced in Jedi: Fallen Order. Second Sister is how to do this type of character and she was done very well. If you've ever played that game, you understand exactly what the f*ck I'm talking about. Obviously, how i framed Reva in the above texts, you can’t do this same characterization but you an follow the same beats of development.

Fix 3: Focus on Reva, alone. for a full season

I love that Reva was a Youngling that got shivved by Vader during Order 66. You keep that. Reva needs that. It makes her compelling. You save that for the penultimate episode,which i would make a two part chase through a port city, against a running clock. Kenobi has to get back to Leia and Reva, after chasing them all season finally has them where she wants them. it’s here that she slowly reveals her back story, where Kenobi realizes she was there that night, that she saw Anakin kill those kids. This reveal would definitely shake Kenobi, adding even more hesitancy to drawing his Lightsaber but, he must. In order to protect one of the two pieces he has left f his Padawan and brother, he would fight this Inquisitor. But that’s part one of a two part season finale. The rest of the show is Reva, slowly revealing her very specific hatred for the Jedi, for Kenobi, himself. She is relentless in her pursuit, explosive with her wrath reckless with her conflict, just like Anakin. She uncannily mirrors him and it forces Kenobi to recall situations and instigations with his Padawan. He sees so much of Ani in Reva that it’s near impossible for Kenobi to do what must be done. For a second time.

During the course of this season, this tug-of-war, we see Kenobi slowly regain his old form and, in the last episode of this first season, he defeats Reva in the same way he defeats Anakin but with slightly less mutilation. Reva has pushed Kenobi to the limit, forcing him to accept the force he abandoned so long ago in order to fulfill his duties to Bael. Along the way, Reva has shown herself to be cold-blooded and singular in her mission to “defeat” Kenobi. At this point, you’ve built Reva up into a threat. She’s brutal in battle, conniving with her schemes, and manipulative with her intent. She is resourceful enough to uncover Kenobi and force him out into the open. She’s savvy enough to continue pursuing he and Leia even after the duo give her the slip on a planet or two. She’s strong enough to match an older, weakened, Kenboi in a lightsaber duel, even if she does lose. After a season of proper build up, Reva is a character and not a Mary-sue or a diversity hire. She is a complete force, one that rivals the absolute shine of Second Sister, and a solid antagonist for Disney Star Wars.

Issue: Vader

Look, i am a Vader shill. Everything i love most about Star War is immediately Vader adjacent. Dude is my favorite character in the entire franchise, my second being Ahsoka, and i am unapologetic in my bias. Anytime these motherf*ckers give me a whiff of Vader or Vader adjacent content, i am ll over that sh*t. I loved every second we got of the Dark Lord in this show, however, i think we could have done much better.

Fix 4: Make Vader the antagonist for season two

I’m taking a page out of the Rebels book here and making Vader the big bad for an entire season two. There is a Vader presence, definitely, but the two Kenobi and Vader never properly meet until the end of my second season. No, this season is Vader, on the hunt for the Rebellion (Not Kenobi), until Reva recovers halfway through and informs him that she knows where he will be. I would split the perspective of this season between Vader and Kenobi, the former searching for Rebellion flare ups and the latter finally getting Leia back to Alderaan. You see Vader and Kenobi’s path slowly crossing, just missing each other, until Reva is re-introduced midway through the season. She forces and audience with the Grand Inquisitor while on a mission, literally stabbing him in the back when he tries to figuratively stab her in the back, taking his place as the de facto Grand. Under her guidance, and organically earned promotion, she leads the others on a relentless assault across the sector she last left Kenobi, once again forcing him out into the open. Having no choice, Kenobi turns to Tala who introduces him to the Rebellion and the Jedi smuggling thing they got going on. It is then that Vader takes the lead and, after a few episodes of chase, forced a direct conflict. the penultimate episode plays out like it did in the canon last episode; Reva tries to betray Vader. It goes poorly. Vader tries to kill Kenobi. It goes poorly. The only difference i would make is that Reva dies. Like she was supposed to in the the beginning. You don’t redeem Reva. She’s gross and has killed innocent people. Ma deserves to die and it makes sense that death would be at the hands of her archetype. Wader gets his long awaited clash with Kenobi, a whole ass Prequel-esque duel where Vader pushes his armor to the limit in order to fight like Anakin one last time, only to be defeated, again, but his Master. The dialogue from the end of that episode stays the same

I enjoyed my time with Kenobi but it could have definitely been better. This thing feels like it was executive meddled into mediocrity. I don’t think it’s as bad as the very vocal minority of fans say it is, but i definitely believe it could have been much better if it had room to breathe. This show tried to do way too much, with way too little; Something that i find all Disney Star Wars entries tend to do. With the exception of the Mando entries and probably Rogue One, every other entry since the Mouse House has taken over, is continually world building into something that has yet to be delivered. It’s odd because, all these assholes need to do is take their time. They keep rushing sh*t, like Dc, when they need to take note of what their MCU stablemate has done, and methodically build up their worlds. We got a full season of Mando before all of the cameo goodness of the second. Hell, even Rebels stalled out a season before blowing their Vader load. What’s the goddamn rush? At the end of the day, Kenobi wasn’t bad. It was a decent entry in a so far, sub par, franchise shift. It could have been much better but Lucasfilm ain’t interested in crafting characters or compelling stories. They’re interested in ego and politics. Thanks for that, KK!

Smokey brand Postmortem: You Suck

I don’t really talk about my love for Mortal Kombat near as much as i do for Marvel, Fate, Star Wars, or Batman, but i adore that bloody franchise. Seriously, the vast majority of this blog is just Marvel and Star Wars content but, i mean, I'm an Eighties baby. That was a massive chunk of our childhoods. See? Even in an essay bout Mortal Kombat, Marvel and Star Wars found it’s way into the conversation. I have a problem but that’s not the problem i want to address in this essay. The problem i have with this one, is the f*cking Mortal Kombat release that just dropped. F*ck did they get so much wrong! I haven’t felt this frustrated with a movie since The Old Guard. I wanted this to be a Comparison but, as i tried to coalesce my thoughts about both films, it became mad apparent to me that the Nineties version of this movie would runaway with it. How is it possible that a film which came out twenty-six years ago, sh*ts all over one with modern shooting techniques and effects? How can a PG-13 movie, saturated with tongue-in-cheek camp and constant nods to the camera, do the Enter the Dragon knock-off franchise more justice that the blockbuster, R-rated, third attempt? Yeah, so this is a postmortem now.

Issue: Cole Young

Why? F*cking why? Listen, I'm all for reimaginings. I love when people can take an established work, recontextualize it, and present something new but familiar. That’s why i keep seeing Batman movies. You can only tell that dude’s story so many times but it’s how you present that story which grabs me. I like the idea of Cole. A fresh face for the audience to view these fantastical circumstances through? Good idea. I hate the execution of Cole. Punk ass weenie who literally develops powers by getting his ass kicked, portrayed by an actor who can’t act, but brought in because of his stunt background, only to nerf the physicality of the role, relegating dude’s greatest strength to his greatest weakness? F*cking, why?

Fix 1: Drop Cole Young, Start Liu Kang

Look, Liu Kang IS Mortal Kombat. He’s their Ryu. He’s their Link. He’s their guy. Drop the family. Drop the Scorpion stuff. Drop the professional fight thrower shtick Build him up as a dude who learned all of this in the Buddhist orphanage he grew up in, denying all of it as just legend and storytelling, until he’s attacked by Sub-Zero. Force him to fight Subby-boy, only to get his ass beat without his Arcana, but have Jax save him just in time. Basically follow Cole’s plot going forward with an emphasis on Liu’s training.

Issue: Shang Tsung

Listen, Ng Chin Han is a get. Dude is a decent actor and i enjoyed he take on the shapeshifter but come on? If you’re not trying to do a Cary-Hiroyuki Tagawa, you’re doing it wrong. Shang Tsung should be snarky, quippy, and overconfident. This dude has won nine straight Mortal Kombat tournaments. It’s fine for him to be conniving and deceitful, Deadly Alliance, but this version of Shang is just too flaccid for the title. Hell, when Tagawa came back for the game, he STILL exuded that same smarmy energy and it was perfect.

Fix 2: Give Shang Tsung more agency

I, personally, love smarmy Shang Tsung but if you want to go different, go brutal. Make Shang the spear head of the offense. Give him a seen where he is just mowing down jobber monks in Raiden’s temple before getting real intimate with Hung Lao. Have Tsung absolutely brutalized Lao as Liu watches, breaking his neck before sucking the sole out of his limp body. You got an R, Lean into that sh*t. You gotta give Liu that Chan moment. Lao’s death not only establishes Shang as a straight up force, but activates Liu’s Arcana, fulfilling the prophecy.

Issue: The f*cking prophecy

Bro, you gotta get rid of all the Scorpion prophecy sh*t. That doesn’t fit. It doesn’t make any sense. The prophecy is supposed to be a foreshadowing of Outworld’s downfall. Tying everything to Scorpion and Sub-Zero just because Ed Boon loves the character is kind of ridiculous. And that’s coming from me, a guy who uses Scorpion as his main since MKI. I love Scorpion, Dude is my favorite character in the entire franchise but giving him such a prominent role in this first film was a mistake.

Fix 3: Make it the Shaolin Prophecy

Have Shang Tsung send Sub-Zero into the Shaolin Temple with a team of Jobbers, probably Tarkatan or other Lin Kuei, and murder everyone. It is whispered that a great champion, kin to Master Kung Lao, would defeat the armies of Outworld, sealing Earthrealm off from the Emperor's grasp. baby Liu and Kung are saved, sent off to an orphanage in the US where they grow up in an orphanage run by a weird old man who tells stories. Eventually, the two separate, Kung returns to their homeland, Liu stays in the states, and they live their lives. Fast forward a bit and Shang gets wind that there are two survivors and he dispatches Sub-Zero to go after Liu. Fast forward to the temple, Liu reconnects with his cousin, Kung, who explains his powers activated during a battle against, let’s say... Baraka? Raiden feels it, recruits Kung Lao, who has been training in the temple ever since. He spars with Liu, teaching him the secrets her learned from Master Bo Rai Cho, until Raiden’s Temple is singed. Everything lays out like it did in the film except Liu watched Lao die at the hand of Shang, his Dragon Arcana activates, and the Sorcerer knows he dun goof’d.

Issue: Fights

The fighting sucked in this, man. It was shot like none of the principal actors were physical enough to pull off the fight scenes, which is ridiculous, because that opening scene was exceptional and those dues are old as f*ck. The dude who plays Scorpion, Hiroyuki Sanada, is f*cking sixty, man. You’re telling me these youngsters with actual stunt backgrounds, can’t give me a scrap as entertaining as a sixty year old man? Word?

Fix 4: Oh, there’s a lot here, bud

First, shoot the scraps better. Holy sh*t, that Taken editing was stupid. We live in an age of John Wick, The Raid, and Jason Bourne films, but you chose to shoot these scenes like this? Really? Bro, no. Hell, the fights in Enter the Dragon are some of the best I've eve seen and that motherf*cker dropped forty-eight years ago. Just do whatever he f*ck they did, just do it with a modern twist. Two, cast motherf*ckers that can believable execute the choreography. The chick that played Sonya in the first one, had to learn her fighting n set during the downtime of production because she as late to the shoot. THAT chick was a more believable fighter than the dude who played Cole and that was his f*cking job before he was an actor! F*cking, how?? Three, hire better stunt coordinators. These fights needed to be plotted out much better. Sure, fatalities are cool and special moves are awesome but they aren’t necessary. Liu Kang through one fireball in the first MK film and it was ll the better for it. I don’t need giant flame dragons and head claps and sh*t, i just need brutal, intense, violence inflicted upon a person. These people are in the fight for their lives. I need to feel that. Four, hire more jobbers. Too many actual named characters died in this movie. Too many actual named characters appeared in this movie. Why the f*ck was Nitara in this?

Look, there’s still SO much i would change about this flick. The costumes, the tone, the choice in music, the writing; All need to be adjusted. I would hold Scorpion back until sequel. Have him breaking out of the Netherrealm as a post credit stinger or something. This movie is broken and i think that’s because WB just made this thing to secure rights or a a backdoor pilot for HBO max content. Either way, this movie is bad, man and it didn’t have to be. You can make dope ass, martial arts films, on the cheap, especially when you “ground them in reality.” Why the f*ck didn’t that happen here? How the f*ck is the budget so high, and the film so cheap looking? I miss the ingenuity of the Eighties. Cats had to figure out how to make sh*t work because CG was too expensive. Now, that sh*t is everywhere and it’s a detriment to film. That sh*t takes casualties out of practical films and Mortal Kombat is definitely one of those.

Smokey brand Postmortem: There Should Have Been More Than One

It's been a few days since I've seen The Old Guard. It was an entertaining movie, overall, but not a great experience. As a film, it's mediocre. There are a lot of problems with it, way too many leaps in logic for me to be comfortable with. The supporting cast was just there to fill scenes around Charlize. No one felt like a real person. The dialogue was crazy poor. It felt like it was written instead of something that actual people would say. You can definitely tell everyone was reading from a script. I can give credit where it's due, though; Most of the supporting cast was pretty good with what they had to work with but therein lies the biggest issue with this film; There wasn't much to work with. Charlize was great, of course, but she had literally all of the screen time. We never got to know anyone else outside of exposition dumps and forced, interpersonal, conflict. Hell, the flashbacks Andy, Charlize's character and main protagonist, had with the Asian chick seemed like a better movie than what we got. And don't get me started on the chick who played Nile. She was THE WORST! I posted an entire review a few days about if you're curious about the detailed critiqued  because that's not what this is. This is how I would fix what The Old Guard left broken.

Issue: Kiki Layne

Kiki Layne is the worst thing about this movie, but not the most pressing. She's bad at her job and I have no idea why. It could have been nerves. It could be that Charlize is so good at her job she completely mitigates anything Kiki was trying to do. It could have been the atrocious writing. It could have been any number of things. Either way, at the end of the say, she was terrible as Nile and it made it extremely difficult for me to buy the realism of her character.

Fix 1: Recast Kiki

She felt like a diversity hire to begin with. This whole movie felt like a diversity hire. Charlize is about inclusivity and considering she was not only the lead but also a producer, this thing was effectively her, using that clout to give others the opportunity to shine that maybe were overlooked for certain, ethnic or gender biases, while cobbling together a franchise for herself outside of the Hollywood machine. I respect that. I love that. Give that opportunity to someone who can do something with it because Kiki Layne was awful in this.

Issue: Poor Writing

The biggest issue I have with this movie is how sh*t the writing is. My goodness, is this stuff bad, man. If Kiki weren't in this flick, the poor screenplay would be the biggest issue but it gets a pass because Layne's performance is that jarring. A friend of mine tried to fight me about this movie, saying it was great and was used to set up a franchise so it's an origin story. That's actually the next issue but it's kind of tied to the writing so it get the third spot.

Fix 2: Rewrite the script a few more times

The script definitely needed at least one more revision. The entire conflict of this story hinges on Andy doing something she would never do. We don't know that in the beginning when we're introduced but, as the film goes on an  we learn about this character, that initial mistake seems more and more out of character. Andy is, at least, two thousand years old, probably older. She lost the first person who matched her lifespan to traitorous humans. She's lived her life, ever since, cautious of everything they do. Andy works in the shadows and has had hundreds, probably thousands, of years of practice at this sh*t. You're telling me she walks into an ambush like that? For real? That's how you choose to start your film? Look, if the main conflict of your entire narrative can't be initiated without a completely ignoring core aspects of your protagonist, maybe give your story the once over and figure out how to organically make those events occur? I'm not even going to touch upon how wasted Chiwetel Ejiofor or how one dimensional the main antagonist is portrayed.

Issue: Franchise baiting

This movie is definitely a pitch for a franchise or a series. That's why it was made. That's what it feels like. This is Charlize's retirement plan. She can star in a few, build a brand, and seed the reins to her chosen successor while staying on as producer. She keeps getting checks, the production train keeps rolling, everyone gets paid. That's fine. I don't mind a perpetual money machine. The thing about this is that it's mad lazy. This is a terrible start and would have been dead on arrival if it were released in theaters. Netflix is the saving grace of this mediocre nonsense. Id this is the origin story, it should have been better.

Fix 3: John Wick that sh*t

John Wick is what this movie wanted to be but the writing wasn't there to pull it off. Compare those two. Both of them are small budget, action flicks, who gave you a taste of a world in hopes to build a franchise. So why is John Wick an infinitely better film? Because it's infinitely better written. That world makes sense. Those characters feel real. You don't have to take massive leaps in character motivation just get the conflict of your film going. That first movie leaves a narrative thread that can be picked up, and it was to the tune of two sequels, a fourth in development, and a companion television series, for later. The first John Wick is a small, intimately personal story that slowly expands as the world grows. This is what The Old Guard should have been. It is exactly what the Old Guard is not. The Old Guard tried to do too much, in too little time. They fell into the same trap the DC did. This first movie should have been a smaller, more focused tale. It should have been about Andy finding Nile. Keep it focused on that individual narrative. Keep it intimate. You can explore Andy's whole "never get close" mentality, really dig into that survivors guilt about Quynh while building conflict with Nile, who is literally thrust into a impossible situation with which she has no choice but to reconcile. That, right there, is enough to build a brilliant narrative that feels grounded, organic, and dynamic. Have Chiwetel Ejiofor on the hunt for the duo. Have his character, Copley, one step behind the entire time, learning more and more about Andy's life. The three of them could occasionally cross paths, maybe witnessing a resurrection or something but never actually accomplishing a meeting or capture, to give his motivation in the sequel some teeth. The fact that Andy and Nile kept slipping through his fingers would give him motivation enough to reach out to Pharma for better resources. Give the traitor, Booker, a cameo or a small part in this initial outing to establish Andy's trust in him.

Make that telegraphed betrayal worth it instead of some throw away bullsh*t. Use his appearance to not only establish her trusting affection for dude, but hint at the other member of the Guard as well. You don't need to see them just yet, that's for the sequel, but an acknowledgment that they're out in the world is enough. In the sequel, when you open up to the larger group, there is an emotional resonance to these people and you don't have to spend eighty percent of your run time establishing Andy. You would have already done that, given Nile mad agency, made Copley a real threat, and shown us more of Quynh. You can use the majority of the next flick to flesh out everyone else during the runtime of the sequel. Hell, the sequel can be this exact movie, but since you did the legwork before with my pitch, the events don't seem so obtusely stupid or out of place. If my movie had been made before this one, the writing would have felt organic. It would have felt like an organic continuation rather than a rushed introduction.

Smokey brand Postmortem: Missing Number

It’s weird writing a postmortem for a game so soon after release but, with these leaks and the disheartening truth behind them, The Last of Us II might as well have been out for months. i wrote, at length, about the biggest issues I saw while experiencing this game and wanted to double back a little bit. I have a few ideas about how to fix what was so obviously broken. So, now that we have all mourned for what could have been, let's dissect what ails this death on arrival.

Issue: The writing is absolutely abhorrent for these characters

A few days ago, i addressed why i thought TLoU II failed so miserably upon release; Poor writing and even worse execution. The Last of Us II has an interesting and compelling narrative, the bones of this story are dope, but the execution is the absolute worst. In a vacuum, this story could have been something, but by using established characters and events, it becomes a disgusting mess.

Fix 1: This should have been the third game in a trilogy

Why was Joel such a weenie? Why was Ellie so blood thirsty? Who the f*ck even is Abby? Either this sh*t was addressed superficially or not at all during the course of the story we were given. That doesn't cut it. Thee is too much missing from everyone involved. Ellie, in the first title, would not have been driven for such violent revenge. Not even a little bit. When we last saw her, she was just beginning that descent into darkness. Joel was the murderer. Joel was the monster. Joel was the antagonist of the first game. Joel was what that world made him. The sh*t Abby pulled would never have flown with TLoU I Joel. What the f*ck happened during the time jump to make him so goddamn gullible? More important than anything, who the f*ck is Abby? She has such an emotionally driven tale of revenge and we don't even know who the f*ck her parents are? We are given a glib idea but, as someone experiencing a story that demands you emotionally attach to it's characters, what we got was not enough. There is an entire chunk of character development, world building, and crucial narrative growth that should have been explored BEFORE we got where we are in this current title. The Last of Us II should have been a III.

We should have got another title where we saw Ellie strain and eventually break from Joel. We should have seen him lose another daughter and watch as that slowly erode the Joel we knew, into the Joel we have in II. We should have seen bits of Abby struggle alone in the world, finding her way through a darker version of what was left behind. We should have been able to play as Ellie, maybe learning of hints to what Joel did for her, to her, coming across the name “Anderson” during her soul-searching. Hell, she could have actually helped Abby at one point, neither really knowing each other during a mission or, maybe, Ellie having a feeling about this new girl. Maybe she senses the animosity and you, as the player, have to witness Ellie debating whether to kill this girl, even if she hasn’t done anything just yet. All of the bloody pathos that will bind them together, curdling just under the surface of this budding relationship. There is so much fertile narrative ground there to build an awesome third title, to make what we got, great, because The Last of Us II has the bones to BE great. The execution, though, kills it all.

Fix 2: Give Abby Some DLC

Abby is mystery and not in a good way. We don’t know anything about this broad outside of her paper thin motivations. She’s the main antagonist and half the protagonist, but we are playing a stranger. That’s just poor writing right there, especially coming off of how rich everything we got with the first title turned out to be. How can you follow such story driven girth, with such limp drivel? Give Abby her own DLC. Make it follow her growth into the murder revenge machine she turned out to be. Why is she so yoked? How long was she been part of that crew? How many motherf*ckers did she kill on her blood-soaked rampage? We don’t know. This doesn't fix the left-turn Ellie and Joel make, i think you’d need to release an entire game to develop that sh*t properly, but giving Abby more agency can go a long way to making people care about who we fans see as a story-derailing, sour puss, homewrecker.

Fix 3: Make a prequel

That game i said we were missing in the middle? Yeah, make it anyway and call it III. Look, to make II worth a damn, you need those missing narrative beats. You need to explain why the characters we spent so much time with in I, characters we learned so much about and were so connected with emotionally, act completely different than where we left them. That’s how you tell a compelling story. That’s how you develop characters. That’s how you build worlds. You can’t just drop us in the middle of an arc that has nothing to do with anything we actually know, and expect us, as the player, to care. I mean, you can if you’re good at your job but it’s very obvious the writers were more concerned with agendas, rather than creating a great narrative and plot. You bring in Anita Sarkessian and you’re story is about to go straight down the toilet. That’s exactly what happened here. Motherf*ckers got bogged down by politics and forgot to tell half the story. Well, get to it, Naughty Dog. Show us what we missed. Convince us that Joel would willingly abandon his agency and why Ellie can be a straight up murderer. We need THAT story to give value to THIS story.

The Last of Us II isn’t a bad game. It’s decent to play. The narrative, itself, isn’t terrible, if you remove our principal characters. If this had a cat of brand new motherf*ckers, okay. Great story. Holy sh*t, things have gotten bad. I wonder what Joel and Ellie are up to? Right? Next game, guess who’s back? Nah, that’s not where we went with this thing. Instead, they pulled a Last Jedi and alienated everything about the characters we journey with before, in favor of uplifting OCs and Mary Sues. I love the idea of exploring what it means to live trauma. How people survive with everyday horrors. The PTSD all of these people have must be devastating. hat does that do to a person? How does that effect them? Why was this story told, the way it was told, with the characters it had, when there was so many other ways to go with this narrative? In this world? It doesn’t make sense and the overall narrative suffers for it.

Smokey brand Postmortem: Harley Quinn and the Miscalculation

Harley Quinn: Birds of Prey is bombing in theaters and what i was apprehensive about, is coming to pass. All of this rah-rah, GRRRL-power, superficial, laughably toxic, feminism saturates this picture. And that’s fine. A little misandry never hurt anyone, especially with as much unapologetic misogyny that is rife within Hollywood. Still, there is a limit to and, while i didn’t mind the whole emancipation equal initialization angle this movie was going for, i can see why it would turn off so many others. We’re on the back end of the MeToo movement now and, in a world where Amber Heard has been exposed for the violent abuser that she truly is, the climate is a little different from when this flick was greenlit. It’s wild watching a marketing strategy trying so goddamn hard to alienate half their audience. Seriously, that sh*t was box office suicide but its not the reason why BoP failed. The media wants to blame sexist men for not supporting an all-women production but that’s not realistic. The demo breakdown for those who went to see BOP skewed heavily male. No, there are several reasons why and i kind of want to go over them here.

Issue 1: Feminist Marketing

The biggest issue this movie had was the way it was marketed. Besides the gung-ho drive in an attempt to appeal to that ludicrously vocal minority of third-wave feminists that don’t support sh*t outside of their own little echo chamber causes, it appears the WB did everything in their power to shoo away and semblance of testosterone. I noted this early, but that sh*t blew up in their face immediately. No one want to sit around and be preached at or two hours. I endued that sh*t because i enjoy comics and Margot’s Harleen is pretty legit but, goddamn! In a world of Nice Guys and Neckbeards, going so hard at that misandrist angle was a goddamn mistake. That, and the misleading push of Harley Quinn. This is not a birds of prey film and never should have been promoted as such. I could tell this was a Harley Quinn film immediately, but Normies sure didn’t. I imagine they wanted more Harley but saw the Birds top billed and decided it wasn’t worth the trip.

Fix: Better Marketing

To just say “Better Marketing” is kind of glib, but bear with me. There’s a lot to this. First thing first, that title should have never got approved. You want to lead with Harley, you lead with Harley. Hilariously, someone at WB thought so, too, and they changed the name. Personally, out the gate, i would have named this thing “Harley Quinn: Birds of Prey.” from the start, you set the expectation that this is a Harley Quinn movie AND assert that the BoP will have some sort of presence. The movie, itself, can still be exactly what it is, but that title change alters the entire expectation of that whole experience. Doing that also gives you an opportunity to promote this thing in a more balanced manner. Maybe don’t attack all the dudes that might want to see your flick with bullsh*t politics. I rather liked the idea of an all-girl gangster flick. It worked super well for Widows. If executed properly, you can even keep that whole Tarantino-esque vibe. But that might conflict with the second issue...

Issue 2: Hard R Rating

Everyone wants to be Deadpool but no one can be Deadpool. Look, i love the Hard R in my capeflicks. The aforementioned Deadpool was excellent and i absolutely love what Philips and Phoenix brought in Joker, but if you want to see how to do a proper R rated superhero film, look no further than Logan. Holy sh*t, that movie was good. and violent. and moving. I cried at the end of that thing. Shed me a man-tear, for sure. The thing about all of these films? That R was earned. You want to go Tarantino? You go full Tarantino. Bop did not commit like that. This motherf*cker was a “hard PG-13″. Seriously, the violence in this thing was akin to the violence in The Wolverine, a PG-13 flick. Why did they need that Hard R? Just to keep pace with the other Hard R flicks? See, that alienates your best bet at a profit.

Fix: go for that “Hard PG-13″

You want kids to see this thing, specifically young girls. Girls LOVE Harley, as they should. She’s become one helluva character. The growth shown in her comic persona is to be celebrated and this movie kind of touches upon that. 14-year-olds can’t get into your unnecessarily R rated film. You want those 14 and 15-year-olds to see your movie multiple times, and this thing had the potential for just that. Instead, they went too hard for that Hard R and it ruined a massive source of revenue. Besides, you already have a mature Harley show airing on that DCEU streaming whatever. The adults can check that one out, especially since it’s f*cking dope.

Issue 3: Character Interpretation

Harley Quinn has a very specific, very Snyder-esque design. You can’t shake that. Quinn is gonna Quinn. How the f*ck did the rest of these characters land on their respective situations? Hell, Cassanda Cain is “in name only” and that sucks! Cass is one of the dopest Bat-Kids in the fam and she’s relegated to that? Really? You barely even hint at Montoya’s sexuality, which is fine because it doesn’t define her, but to push this flick as LGBTQ, or whatever, without acknowledging the biggest L in the film seems disingenuous to me. And Huntress? Oh, my darling Huntress. You were the best thing about this movie and they didn’t even let you be IN the goddamn movie. Look, I’m all for creativity and letting creatures create but come on. At some point, you gotta give a little back to the fans, not just slap them in the face with such mediocre adaptions.

Fix: Better Characterization

Out the box, you should have NEVER adapted my girl Cass the way you did. Everything about this character is bogus. Where is my socially inept, traumatically mute, bad-ass human weapon? You give me a potty-mouth pick-pocket instead? For real? Nah. A much better character for this would have been Bluebird. How is Harper Row not perfect for this part? Considering her origin, she could start off as Harley’s protege and become better, actually become Blurebird and join the Birds later on down the line. How is that not a thing? And Montoya? Aside from a lack of screen time, maybe tie her into the plot a little better. Aside from a few throwaway line, what do we really know about her? Canary is fine, they did more than enough to give her character legs, but all of the Birds should have gotten as much time to develop. Speaking of time, my darling Huntress should have had WAY more screentime. She was SO dope and it’s a crime you didn’t give Winstead enough time to play with this character because she was having very real fun with her.

These three problems crippled any opportunity this movie had at being great. I’m sure WB thought they had a hit on their hands, or that the name “Harley Quinn” could carry this flick on it’s own but really? After Wondy and Aquaman, hell, even Shazam to a certain extent, you’d think these cats would have learned something. Instead, they opted to go hard with the Snyder-isms and the Box Office reflects all of that. This should have never been a BoP films. Margot should have definitely went for Gotham City Sirens. Still, we got what we got. It’s not good, but it’s not that bad, either. If they would have done the above three things, it could have been great. Missed opportunity.

Smokey brand Postmortem: There Should Have Been More Than One

It's been a few days since I've seen The Old Guard. It was an entertaining movie, overall, but not a great experience. As a film, it's mediocre. There are a lot of problems with it, way too many leaps in logic for me to be comfortable with. The supporting cast was just there to fill scenes around Charlize. No one felt like a real person. The dialogue was crazy poor.  It felt like it was written instead of something that actual people would say. You can definitely tell everyone was reading from a script. I can give credit where it's due, though; Most of the supporting cast was pretty good with what they had to work with but therein lies the biggest issue with this film; There wasn't much to work with. Charlize was great, of course, but she had literally all of the screen time. We never got to know anyone else outside of exposition dumps and forced, interpersonal, conflict. Hell, the flashbacks Andy, Charlize's character and main protagonist, had with the Asian chick seemed like a better movie than what we got. And don't get me started on the chick who played Nile. She was THE WORST! I posted an entire review a few days about if you're curious about the detailed critiqued  because that's not what this is. This is how I would fix what The Old Guard left broken.

Issue: Kiki Layne

Kiki Layne is the worst thing about this movie, but nt the most pressing. She's bad at her job and I have no idea why. It could have been nerves. It could be that Charlize is so good at her job she completely mitigates anything Kiki was trying to do, it could have been any number of things. Either way, at the end of the say, she was terrible as Nile and it made it extremely difficult for me to buy the realism of her character.

Fix 1: Recast Kiki

She felt like a diversity hire to begin with. Charize is about inclusivity and considering she was not only the lead but also a producer, this thing was effectively her, using that clout to give others the opportunity to shine that maybe were overlooked for certain, ethnic or gender biases, while cobbling together a franchise for herself outside of the Hollywood machine. I respect that. I love that. Give that opportunity to someone who can do something with it because Kiki Layne is awful.

Issue: Poor Writing

The biggest issue I have with this movie is how sh*t the writing is. My goodness, is this stuff bad, man. If Kiki weren't in this flick, the poor screenplay would be the biggest issue but it gets a pass because Layne's performance is that jarring. A friend of mine tried to fight me about this movie, saying it was great and was used to set up a franchise so it's an origin story. That's actually the next issue but it's kind of tied to the writing so it get the third spot.

Fix 2: Rewrite the script a few more times

The script definitely needed at least one more revision. The entire conflict of this story hinges on Andy doing something she would never do. We don't know that in the beginning when we're introduced but, as the film goes on an  we learn about this character, that initial mistake seems more and more out of character. Andy is, at least, two thousand years old, probably older. She lost the first person who matched her lifespan to traitorous humans. She's lived her life, ever since, cautious of everything they do. Andy works in the shadows and has had hundreds, probably thousands, of years of practice at this sh*t. You're telling me she walks into an ambush like that? For real? That's how you choose to start your film? Look, if the main conflict of your entire narrative can't be initiated without a completely ignoring core aspects of your protagonist, maybe give your story the once over and figure out how to organically make those events occur? I'm not even going to touch upon how wasted Chiwetel Ejiofor or how one dimensional the main antagonist is portrayed.

Issue: Franchise baiting

This movie is definitely a pitch for a franchise or a series. That's why it was made. That's what it feels like. This is Charlize's retirement plan. She can star in a few, build a brand, and seed the reins to her chosen successor while staying on as producer. She keeps getting checks, the production train keeps rolling, everyone gets paid. That's fine. I don't mind a perpetual money machine. The thing about this is that it's mad lazy. This is a terrible start and would have been dead on arrival if it were released in theaters. Netflix is the saving grace of this mediocre nonsense. Id this is the origin story, it should have been better.

Fix 3: John Wick that sh*t

John Wick is what this movie wanted to be but the writing wasn't there to pull it off. Compare those two. Both of them are small budget, action flicks, who gave you a taste of a world in hopes to build a franchise. So why is John Wick an infinitely better film? Because it's infinitely better written. That world makes sense. Those characters feel real. You don't have to take massive leaps in character motivation just get the conflict of your film going. That first movie leaves a narrative thread that can be picked up, and it was to the tune of two sequels, a fourth in development, and a companion television series, for later. The first John Wick is a small, intimately personal story that slowly expands as the world grows. This is what The Old Guard should have been. It is exactly what the Old Guard is not. The Old Guard tried to do too much, in too little time. They fell into the same trap the DC did. This first movie should have been a smaller, more focused tale. It should have been about Andy finding Nile. Keep it focused on that individual narrative. Keep it intimate. You can explore Andy's whole "never get close" mentality, really dig into that survivors guilt about Quynh while building conflict with Nile, who is literally thrust into a impossible situation with which she has no choice but to reconcile. That, right there, is enough to build a brilliant narrative that feels grounded, organic, and dynamic. Have Chiwetel Ejiofor on the hunt for the duo. Have his character, Copley, one step behind the entire time, learning more and more about Andy's life. The three of them could occasionally cross paths, maybe witnessing a resurrection or something but never actually accomplishing a meeting or capture, to give his motivation in the sequel some teeth. The fact that Andy and Nile kept slipping through his fingers would give him motivation enough to reach out to Pharma for better resources. Give the traitor, Booker, a cameo or a small part in this initial outing to establish Andy's trust in him.

Make that telegraphed betrayal worth it instead of some throw away bullsh*t. Use his appearance to not only establish her trusting affection for dude, but hint at the other member of the Guard as well. You don't need to see them just yet, that's for the sequel, but an acknowledgment that they're out in the world is enough. In the sequel, when you open up to the larger group, there is an emotional resonance to these people and you don't have to spend eighty percent of your run time establishing Andy. You would have already done that, given Nile mad agency, made Copley a real threat, and shown us more of Quynh. You can use the majority of the next flick to flesh out everyone else during the runtime of the sequel. Hell, the sequel can be this exact movie, but since you did the legwork before with my pitch, the events don't seem so obtusely stupid or out of place. If my movie had been made before this one, the writing would have felt organic. It would have felt like an organic continuation rather than a rushed introduction.

Smokey brand Postmortem: Hell to Watch

Helstrom is unwatchable. I tried. It was f*cking boring. I’m not going to properly review this show because it was a chore just to get through but, suffice it to say, this one is a pass. I don’t think this is a thing that can be attributed to Marvel though, this definitely smacks of Fox incompetence, but, either way, it’s bad, man. I like some things about this show, mostly the chick who plays Satana, Sydney Lemmon. She’s very good in the role and uplifts the weak ass writing she’s forced to endure. The dude that plays Damon, though? Big yikes! This dude is kind of the worst. I thought he had potential with that opening scene, but that’s nowhere near who the character turned out to be. It doesn’t help that Tom Austin is a f*cking plank of wood the entire time. This show was such a disappointment and it didn’t have to be. I mean, the Helstrom kids are literally the antichrists. How do you make something boring out of that start? This Postmortem will diverge a little bit from y usual format because, I mean, the problems are way to numerous so this is just the things I would do differently.

Branding

Sh*t is mad whack because Marvel had an opportunity here. Daimon Hellstrom is a terrible character, definitely D-list Marvel all the way, but with a bit of retooling, this could have been intriguing. immediately, Daimon needs a retool. I’d change the spelling of his name to Damon Helstrom, the “I” is ridiculous. I understand why its there but it looks ridiculous. I would definitely call the show Hellstrom with the extra”L”. Hellstrom has more of an impact that Helstrom. It just hits different to the eye. That’s branding stuff but the character, itself, needs a once over. Marvel needs a John Constantine. Part of the reason why i think Hellstrom works is because of Constantine’s Hellblazer. This version of the character would effectively be the same type of character; Freelance demonologist with conflicting ties to the world he persecutes. The difference being, while Constantine is a fraud, Hellstrom is a literal Prince of Hell.

Characters

Constantine relies on his wit and guile to effectively outsmart the devils he hunts. Hellstrom would not. He would use the rituals and gadgets and pslams or whatever but, when push comes to shove, he’d just brute forces that sh*t. We need more Daimon from the first episode, short-tempered and a little bit of a dick, utilizing his abilities against formidable opponents. We definitely need less of the poorly scripted family drama that permeates this show. Daimon would have to hate who he is He knows he is the literal son of Satan, destined to lead the world to oblivion, but refuses to acknowledge that destiny, thus is demon-hunting. Daimon would absolutely have to be plagued by his power, taunted by the more powerful demons that make it out of hell, fighting against the more violent tendencies he feels whenever his power activates. Daimon has to be seen walking that edge between savior and destroyer because that’s what his character entails. Until you realize he has a sister.

Personally, i would have kept the bones of this shows, the whole investigative/X-Files thing going on, but you need a compelling, overarching plot. All of that family drama detracts from Daimon and his far more interesting demon hunting outings. That said, i would completely abandon all of it. That overarching plot? Yeah, that’s him chasing after Satana. The family connection would need to be substantially tighter for this plot to work because Daimon would be chasing his sister across the world. For this first season, i would start off by only eluding to Ana Hellstrom. It would only be hints, a introspective look at something which reminds him of his sister or something said in passing about a long lost sibling, all the while dreading the fact that this increase in demonic activity might really be Ana’s fault. I would establish that Satana is the twin, not the younger sibling, of Daimon and therefore has all of the rights to the same broken crown that was thrust upon Him. Ana is, in effect, a spare heir but, instead of the conflict that plagued Daimon, Ana embraced her demonic nature early on. She didn’t even fight it and has become somewhat of a Goblin Queen, commanding an army of Lesser Demons.

Power Visualization

I suppose this is spot is as good as any to establish the Hellstrom twins’ powers. So Daimon would literally be a powerhouse. As a Hell-Prince, he’s be able to wield Hellfire at will, conjuring it up from the Nether when ever he needs to battle a proper demon. The fact that he refuses to acknowledge this power means he never trained to properly utilize these powers, making it incredibly difficult for him to properly control and it leaves Daimon incredibly exhausted. To avert this fatigue in battle, he relies on his enhanced physical abilities, the pslams he learned as a church sanctioned exorcist, and a spear fashioned from a mystical allow he charges with hellfire called Phlegathon. This spear would probably be the primary form of combat as it would be cheap to produce and you can have some rather dope action choreography. Daimon is the force to subjugate made manifest.

Ana’s powers are nowhere near as direct. She doesn’t gave any fancy weapons or commands hellfire or anything like that. Satana is the manifestation of the authority of rule. She can conjure and subjugate any demon of a lower station. This is the nuclear option of her ability; An army of semi-powerful familiars. He brother inherited the physical prowess of their father but she was gifted his charisma. This manifest as passive ability which makes those of weak will bow to hers almost instantly. Ana has used this power, in conjunction with her summon abilities, to carve out a pretty decent life and a less than flattering reputation in certain circles. Obviously, she’d have a go-to Demon who’s possessed some poor meat sack. I’m thinking Xuthl, former Hell-Lord who was deposed by the angelic Lucifer after he was cast down, further humiliated by his daughter, Satana’s subjugation. Xuthl is the muscle for Ana, matching Daimon, and most demonic forces, in physical prowess.

Narrative

I think that initial plot would have to follow Hellstrom investigating an ever increasing series of violent possessions and demonic events, all the while seeing him question if his sister can actually be involved. her unique power and unrestricted use of it throughout her life, makes Ana the perfect suspect for this spike in demon activity. We’d see Daimon using Phlegathon maybe twice early on, culminating in an all-out brawl at the mid-season finale, or episode six, with Xuthl as Satana escaped. Daimon would lose this fight, eventually going berserk, unleashing his true Son of Satan form, rampaging all over Xuthl until Ana uses her powers to force Daimon back to consciousness. The next episode would have the twins reconciling as Xuthl heals. Ana would explain that the events aren’t tied to her, that she was investigating in her own way, but the true culprit was always one step ahead of her. The siblings would realize that it had to be another Hell-Prince and resolved to work together until the end of this case. The season would continue with a kind of buddy cop dynamic, SatAna taking on the more John Constantine mannerisms and Daimon staying his stoic and easily angered self. Xuthl would be caught in the middle. The penultimate episode would reveal that the main antagonist was Blackheart, Mephisto’s kid. He’d literally tear Xuthl  apart leading into the finale. This thing would be a spectacle of the Blackheart in his full demonic form and Daimon fully embracing his Son of Satan form, dooking it out while Satana used her abilities to open a portal to hell. Daimon sacrifices himself by falling into the portal holding Blackheart, leaving Satana all alone in the world as the only Hellstrom and a wide open narrative going into season two. I would have a post credit stinger of Johnny Blaze, introduced earlier in the season during one of the initial three or four episodes, waking up in a cold sweat, going to the bathroom to splash some water in his face, only to look up at he mirror and see Zarathos. Not Ghost Rider, that comes later, but the demon that powers it, Zarathos. Cut to black, first season over.

This is all hindsight because the show has already released but, i think I've built a far more compelling, far more engaging narrative than what we got. The tone and aesthetic was spot on, i freely admit that. but everything else was just mediocre. With my version, you get great, recognizable branding, a plot that has enough action to keep interests, drama that compels people to continue the binge, and a conclusion that leaves the door open for a second season without presuming it will get one. There is enough here to explore and enough lore introduced to build from but, at he same time, never overextending with the assumption of success. You get to see a ton of that aspect of Marvel that they kind of don’t deal in; Black Heart, Ghost Rider, Hell-Lords, demons, etc. There is a rich and unique spin on that type of stuff and this show, this pedestrian ass, bitterly restrained, budget take on what could have been a real ride.

Smokey brand Postmortem: Missing Number

It’s weird writing a postmortem for a game so soon after release but, with these leaks and the disheartening truth behind them, The Last of Us II might as well have been out for months. i wrote, at length, about the biggest issues I saw while experiencing this game and wanted to double back a little bit. I have a few ideas about how to fix what was so obviously broken. So, now that we have all mourned for what could have been, let's dissect what ails this death on arrival.

Issue: The writing is absolutely abhorrent for these characters

A few days ago, i addressed why i thought TLoU II failed so miserably upon release; Poor writing and even worse execution. The Last of Us II has an interesting and compelling narrative, the bones of this story are dope, but the execution is the absolute worst. In a vacuum, this story could have been something, but by using established characters and events, it becomes a disgusting mess.

Fix 1: This should have been the third game in a trilogy

Why was Joel such a weenie? Why was Ellie so blood thirsty? Who the f*ck even is Abby? Either this sh*t was addressed superficially or not at all during the course of the story we were given. That doesn't cut it. Thee is too much missing from everyone involved. Ellie, in the first title, would not have been driven for such violent revenge. Not even a little bit. When we last saw her, she was just beginning that descent into darkness. Joel was the murderer. Joel was the monster. Joel was the antagonist of the first game. Joel was what that world made him. The sh*t Abby pulled would never have flown with TLoU I Joel. What the f*ck happened during the time jump to make him so goddamn gullible? More important than anything, who the f*ck is Abby? She has such an emotionally driven tale of revenge and we don't even know who the f*ck her parents are? We are given a glib idea but, as someone experiencing a story that demands you emotionally attach to it's characters, what we got was not enough. There is an entire chunk of character development, world building, and crucial narrative growth that should have been explored BEFORE we got where we are in this current title. The Last of Us II should have been a III.

We should have got another title where we saw Ellie strain and eventually break from Joel. We should have seen him lose another daughter and watch as that slowly erode the Joel we knew, into the Joel we have in II. We should have seen bits of Abby struggle alone in the world, finding her way through a darker version of what was left behind. We should have been able to play as Ellie, maybe learning of hints to what Joel did for her, to her, coming across the name “Anderson” during her soul-searching. Hell, she could have actually helped Abby at one point, neither really knowing each other during a mission or, maybe, Ellie having a feeling about this new girl. Maybe she senses the animosity and you, as the player, have to witness Ellie debating whether to kill this girl, even if she hasn’t done anything just yet. All of the bloody pathos that will bind them together, curdling just under the surface of this budding relationship. There is so much fertile narrative ground there to build an awesome third title, to make what we got, great, because The Last of Us II has the bones to BE great. The execution, though, kills it all.

Fix 2: Give Abby Some DLC

Abby is mystery and not in a good way. We don’t know anything about this broad outside of her paper thin motivations. She’s the main antagonist and half the protagonist, but we are playing a stranger. That’s just poor writing right there, especially coming off of how rich everything we got with the first title turned out to be. How can you follow such story driven girth, with such limp drivel? Give Abby her own DLC. Make it follow her growth into the murder revenge machine she turned out to be. Why is she so yoked? How long was she been part of that crew? How many motherf*ckers did she kill on her blood-soaked rampage? We don’t know. This doesn't fix the left-turn Ellie and Joel make, i think you’d need to release an entire game to develop that sh*t properly, but giving Abby more agency can go a long way to making people care about who we fans see as a story-derailing, sour puss, homewrecker.

Fix 3: Make a prequel

That game i said we were missing in the middle? Yeah, make it anyway and call it III. Look, to make II worth a damn, you need those missing narrative beats. You need to explain why the characters we spent so much time with in I, characters we learned so much about and were so connected with emotionally, act completely different than where we left them. That’s how you tell a compelling story. That’s how you develop characters. That’s how you build worlds. You can’t just drop us in the middle of an arc that has nothing to do with anything we actually know, and expect us, as the player, to care. I mean, you can if you’re good at your job but it’s very obvious the writers were more concerned with agendas, rather than creating a great narrative and plot. You bring in Anita Sarkessian and you’re story is about to go straight down the toilet. That’s exactly what happened here. Motherf*ckers got bogged down by politics and forgot to tell half the story. Well, get to it, Naughty Dog. Show us what we missed. Convince us that Joel would willingly abandon his agency and why Ellie can be a straight up murderer. We need THAT story to give value to THIS story.

The Last of Us II isn’t a bad game. It’s decent to play. The narrative, itself, isn’t terrible, if you remove our principal characters. If this had a cat of brand new motherf*ckers, okay. Great story. Holy sh*t, things have gotten bad. I wonder what Joel and Ellie are up to? Right? Next game, guess who’s back? Nah, that’s not where we went with this thing. Instead, they pulled a Last Jedi and alienated everything about the characters we journey with before, in favor of uplifting OCs and Mary Sues. I love the idea of exploring what it means to live trauma. How people survive with everyday horrors. The PTSD all of these people have must be devastating. hat does that do to a person? How does that effect them? Why was this story told, the way it was told, with the characters it had, when there was so many other ways to go with this narrative? In this world? It doesn’t make sense and the overall narrative suffers for it.