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platatoandsoquoquediscovern-blog · 6 years

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Soquoque discovers:

My thoughts while watching Eclipse: in up to 80 sentences

1. I am watching Twilight, right? Oh, there’s the vampires… or at least the shadow of one

2. Do they all normally play with their food like this?

3. Ok, there is no way she bit his hand, absolutely not. I’m calling bullshit

4. Wow, Edward has really long side burns

5. Whoa whoa whoa, 2 minutes into the movie and there’s already a marriage proposal? Pace yourself guys, this movie is like 5 hours long

6. Hello there Charlie, fancy seeing you here again

7. Why is everyone in this movie trying to make deals or negotiate with everyone else? You guys ever heard of holding your ground?

8. Edward Cullen: vampire, sparkler, high jumper, mechanic

9. Wait, Bella still has friends? How? She’s like the worst friend ever, why are they all still there.

10. The Cullen’s really need to work on their poker faces. Or else people might start getting suspicious of the weird, pale, impossibly good-looking family

11. Edward continues to lie to Bella even though WE ALL KNOW how that turned out literally any other time before this

12. Bella is only concerned about the fact that she isn’t a vampire yet; Bella, there are people dying asshole, who gives a shit if the Voltari see that you’re still human.

13. Lol, Edward is a terrible actor. I wouldn’t quit your day job

14. Ah I freaking love Charlie man

15. Hold up, they’re already in Florida? We didn’t even get a plane scene? Oh come on Twilight, you have time for Bella staring off into the sunset but not this?

16. EVERYONE in this movie knows that there is something seriously weird about Bella’s relationship with Edward except for Bella.

17. She really is incredibly pale isn’t she

18. This scene man. All the Cullen’s and the wolves and Victoria still manages to get away? That’s some bullshit

19. Yes she will Jasper, yes she will.

20. Stupid wolf attacks Emmet instead of, you know, the vampire they were ALL CHASING!

21. Of course she wouldn’t Edward, Bella doesn’t listen to anyone, hence Twilight, New Moon, Eclipse, Breaking Dawn Part 1 and 2.

22. Love that Jacob intro music yo

23. WHY WOULD YOU STILL LIE AT A MOMENT LIKE THIS! Edward, you fool- the jig is up my man.

24. Jacob is confused by Bella’s hostility towards him… Jacob must have not have been present during the events of New Moon

25. Wait, did she just skip school? How is this chick even graduating? I swear I only saw her attend class like twice in all three movies.

26. AAAAHHHH original Leah…and I don’t care

27. Btw, who are all these shirtless dudes? Jacobs pack? Since when? I mean I get that it couldn’t just be Jacob, but these random dudes are hella random and thus I do not care nor am I at all invested in their lives. Soooo moving on.

28. Imprint foreshadowing… although nothing would have prepared us for the actual imprinting.

29. Would we have known if you had imprinted Jacob? Would we really? How exactly, since these Twilight fuckers only seem to tell us really important information after the fact

30. Is this angry Jacob? Is this really all he’s got? Am I the only one underwhelmed here?

31. “Bella, they’re not even alive” lol, true Jake, so very true

32. AAAAHHH wannabe creepy Edward is hella creepy

33. Call me sadistic but wouldn’t it make more sense for Riley to have killed Charlie right now? I mean they want to hurt Bella, right? Wouldn’t killing her father do that? Or at the very least kidnapping him? Look, I love the guy and all but this weird Riley watching Charlie sleep and leaving him completely unharmed doesn’t make any sense

34. Ah the Cullen house. Bella and Edward need to negotiate with Carlisle to keep this house because it is beautiful

35. “Now let’s all just sit around in a nice little circle and discuss what Edward smelt in Bella’s room, shall we?” – The Cullen’s, probably

36. …Uhm Jacob, she has Jacob. I mean, you don’t have to be a mind reader to figure that out Edward

37. Lol, that Switzerland line is probably one of the worst lines in this movie

38. Quick question: why exactly is Bella so special again? I mean you all are basically ready to die for her, so I would just like to know why exactly

39. I hope he doesn’t own any shirts Edward, have you seen Taylor Lautner’s abs? Don’t deprive the audience of that

40. Also, lol are they seriously having a dick measuring contest right now, in the middle of the street? Interesting.

41. And now for the history section of the movie- anyone mind if I go grab some water really quickly? No? Okay cool, thanks.

42. Oh shit, I missed some stuff. Uhm… new-borns? Armies? Alliteration? I’m intrigued

43. How can you idiots think it’s the Voltari? Isn’t this a bit low profile for the creepy vampire government?

44. Oh I see, it was to drag this movie on wasn’t it? And now we have yet another Edward and Bella whisper-talking scene. Awesome.

45. Blah blah, you can’t be a vampire Bella, blah blah

46. Where are we right now, we can’t still be in forks right?

47. Yeah Jacob, YOU’RE IN LOVE WITH BELLA, WE KNOW. WE HAVE ALWAYS KNOWN. JEEZ, WOULD YOU JUST TAKE OFF YOUR SHIRT AGAIN.

48. Yeah, she’s not. She’s rushing into it for completely different reasons asshole.

49. Bam! Punch to your stupid face. Take that wolf boy

50. I fucking love this scene man- not the Jacob and Edward pissing match, but Charlie’s breaking up of the fight.

51. “I kissed Bella, and she broke her hand…punching my face-total misunderstanding.” -ICONIC

52. And now we get Rosaline? Rosalee? Nikki Reed’s character’s backstory, yay. Btw, she was the badass- killing your ex-fiancé while draped in a beautiful wedding dress? Fucking priceless

53. Great, now Bella is shipwrecked- wait? Oh shit, wrong movie. My bad (I’m also simultaneously watching Snow White and the Huntsman, for some reason)

54. Ugh, we get it, being a vampire sucks- when do we get to the ‘Eclipse’ part of the movie?

55. Also, this movie sure does make a big hoopla around the fact that turning into a vampire will basically ruin Bella’s life and is a totally bad call and then immediately goes on to disregard all of that in the next two movies. So, I guess what I’m saying is, all of this is just one big enormous waste of time.

56. Full disclosure: I left for about 10 minutes…ah man, I missed the training session? Fuck.

57. But while we’re on the topic, wtf was the point of that anyway? I get that the wolves needed to know about how to defeat the new-borns and all, but couldn’t Jasper have sent them an email? Or a memo? A tweet?

58. Yay, now we get Jasper’s backstory; are Emmet’s, Alice’s, Carlisle and Esme’s going to be in the next movie? No? Then wtf is the point of all of this!

59. Petition for a twilight spin-off where we see how all the other vampire couples in this movie met, because I am willing to bet good money that those are a hell of a lot more interesting than Bella and Edward’s story.

60. Lol, Bella figures out that Victoria is behind everything because she needed to do something, right?

61. STOP BEING A CHILD BELLA, THEY’RE ALL TRYING TO SAVE YOUR FUCKING LIFE!

62. I really do love Jasper

63. He said RUN Jacob, not walk at a glacial pace.

64. And then this jackass just straight up stops. Are you people not on the clock? Army of new-borns approaching to kill everyone? Anybody?

65. Ok, one more time I promise- I love Charlie!

66. She was literally just about to come inside the house Edward, calm down dude

67. Ok, I get that the Cullen’s live in the woods, and don’t have any visitors and stuff but wouldn’t it be like a logical precaution to have actual beds in the house? Just in case? I can’t be the only one who thinks this is a good idea.

68. …Uhm, okay now we’re in the mountains. Cool (lol, no pun intended)

69. They really should have planned better for this trip, just saying.

70. Worst. Sleep-acting. Ever

71. You know, a part of me wishes that Bella did actually chose Jacob and then the next movie is just a moping Edward trying to deal with his heartbreak and then he meets Klaus Mikaelson and the two of them plot to kill Jacob and take over Forks. Doesn’t that sound like an epic movie?

72. why, Why, WHY ON EARTH DOES SHE ASK JACOB TO KISS HER? THIS MAKES NO SENSE, STOP TRYING TO FORCE THIS RELATIONSHIP ON US YOU BASTARDS!

73. Most. Understanding. Fiancé. Ever (also, Bella is a dick to her fiancé)

74. “it’s starting” fucking finally

75. These new-borns may be strong, but they can’t fight for shit

76. Who is this little girl, and why am I supposed to care?

77. Oh shit, Victoria. Also, AAAAHHHH new actress playing Victoria is as uninteresting as her predecessor

78. “You’re dead” No Riley, you’re dead. nice seeing you though

79. Ding dong the (red-headed changed actress) witch is dead

80. Fucking bullshit surprise new-born is bullshit. Also, DID YOU LEARN NOTHING FROM THE TRAINING SESSION JACOB

81. ‘Hang in there”? Hang in there? For the love of all things good and pure, please SHUT UP Bella. We really don’t need your utterly useless advice right now.

82. Out of place Voltari are completely, and totally unexciting

83. AAAAHH sweaty Taylor Lautner… he’s still pretty though- oblivious and unbearably naïve, but still pretty

84. Jacob, sweetie, please just stop. You’re embarrassing yourself.

85. They really do love that field, don’t they?

#twilight eclipse funny teamedward edwardcullen bellaswan jacobblack truth

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