#Okay I know it's like— the middle of September — but I can't wait until February okay | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

danielleee-x · 1 year

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A year in my life.

January

I was doing good during christmas & nye, it's always a bit stressful but I'm doing alright.

Or am I?

That's when I crash, usually middle of or end of January is when I stop functioning. I stay laying in bed one day and fast forward it's February and I haven't gotten up just once.

Feeling pain in my bones, the weight of every movement I made in the past month crushing my muscles and spirit day by day.

And getting weaker with every breath. Every bite. Every swipe on Instagram. Until my speech has left and I need to communicate through that thing that hurts - my phone.

But I was doing alright, wasn't I?

February

The days seem to be fleeting. Shouldn't forget to at least get better before my sister's birthday..

Laying in bed day in, day out. Darkness within my room. Awake at night, asleep during the day. In and out of weakness.

I don't remember what I ate or felt that day or yesterday or the day before that.

Wasn't new years eve just a week ago?

Wait stop, it's moving to fast!! Stop.. please..

I don't even know how to process all of this yet...!!

March

I should really pull myself together. But I can't get my sleep schedule to turn around.. I try and try with no success.

My hatred for myself is growing stronger and stronger.

What's even up with my hair? When did I shower last? It wasn't January, was it? And my skin? Have I even touched it in the last 8 weeks?

I'll prioritize a shower for now. I'll wait until my mom has time to brush my hair so I can go and wash it with shampoo atleast 3 or 4 times.

But she doesn't seem to have any time or energy...

Mom, please, before April.. Before your birthday please!

April

My mom's birthday is in 8 days.. No matter when my hair will be washed, I won't be able to attend it. Just like all the other hangouts I've been invited to the last 2 months.

Oh well.. She won't be getting any gifts from me this year.. I'm sorry for being such a useless piece of shit mom.. I swear I'm sorry.

I'll still prioritize my shower because without having showered first I can't workout to get better. So she helps.. Somewhere before her birthday but nonetheless it takes a week to reset and be able to sit up in bed again, nevermind even just blinking or watching a movie..

My dad's birthday is soon..

I should prioritize my health though, I should workout when I can, no matter the consequences of missing his birthday or getting attacks again.

Why am I not getting better after my shower? Why can't I go workout? What is happening to me? Why is swallowing so tough and breathing so hard?

I have time though, I should get better until May. It'll be fine. Either way I want to celebrate my birthday..

May

One small month time to get good enough to atleast go for dinner for my birthday. Maybe even meet some friends.

I can finally workout. It seems to be going well! I feel on top of the world! Within a week my luck has turned, I can function like a normal girl!!

This is so exciting. I have to keep this up. Workout weekly. Eat well. Don't let myself slip.

My birthday was good. Not what I would've wished for but my wishes were too big nonetheless so it's okay!

June

I'm doing good. The heat is a bit bothersome though. I'm able to workout and be active but choose to spend a lot of my time in my cool bedroom and either game or just be on my phone.

But no proper issues though, not like January, February, March or April...

I don't however see myself showing any skin or enjoying swimming or sun with the body I'm in. I gained so much weight since December, all because I ate but couldn't shake it off. I gained and gained and now feel like the ugliest person in this world.

I'll never show my body to anyone ever again.

But still, I'm doing good. It's just a bit warm in all these oversized shirts, that's all.

July

Same thing as before. It's too hot to be active. I have some parties here and there and hangout with some of my loved ones but not a lot.

August

Same sentiment still.

September

I can finally plan some stuff. Start going on my daily walks again. Enjoy life, which is nice!

October

I'm overdoing it for sure, I'll burnout soon if I don't stop..

But I don't think I'll stop..

Quitters are losers don't forget.

The changes of the weather are starting to wear me down a lot, feels like I'm stuck in mud and can't move on..

I feel the control of my illness slipping away..

I'll keep my head high though, it'll be fine!

November

You shouldn't push forward whenever there's resistance. I wish I'd learn that someday.

I'm in bed again, breathing heavy and barely moving...

These patterns in the past couple of years are rough. They'll wear me down in time.. I'll be nothing but a weak fragile person laying in bed all day and in need of a wheelchair as my main if I don't start taking care of my body...

December

In bed all day.

Slumming around.

Barely speak to any of my family all month.. Although at least until Christmas and NYE..

That time will be a horror in disguise but I'll push through and enjoy every part as much as my body can.

No.. actually more than my body can..

I'm sure it'll be a better one next year..

I've learned so much! There's no way it'll be a repeat of the past. I've got it this year. I'll have a healthier life than just staying in bed 6 months or more.

Next year will be mine.

Is what I say, every time.

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