leighasnotebook - Tumblr blog

leighasnotebook · 7 years

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Title - Hey Future Leigha ;P

So.. I'm broke as fuck. I can't even seem to get a job. A job at a place I dont even like but need. I barely even made it home from internship at the humane society in Indy. I am on BELOW empty. I tried to sell a galaxy s4 at disc replay to get me by and they wouldnt even take it because apparently theres something wrong with it. So that was dissappointing as fuck too. I've been forced to borrow money from my mom who I STILL live with. So apparently I dont even have the abilty to be independent right now. Sure Im in school but I cant even afford to put gas in my tank to get there and I still owe 1000 dollars or more to my school. I dont even know where Ill work after I get my certificate. Thats right.. CERTIFICATE.. not a actual degree. Still. I stupidly decided to get a credit card a few years ago and now I'm maxed out and cant afford to pay it off. I at least have gotten on a payment plan that will make the interest 0% and make my monthly payment lower. My phones fucked because I broke the goddamn screen on it. So no one can even call me unless its on the house phone and I'm not home all the time AND its a cordless that apparently has fucked batteries in it because it just shuts off after like 10 - 15 minutes. I shouldve never even gotten a stupid "smart" phone. All its done is make me feel guilty about the extra money my MOM is spending for it on the bill. And it is way more fragile than a flip phone. Sure the extra shit on it was fun but I dont even need it. I dont care if Im "stuck" in the old times. At least it was reliable. I have grown up in my life with a nice place to live and nice things but that just isnt me. I know when I live on my own I wont live in a nice place and I wont have nice things. Its as if Ive been blindfolded to my actual lifestyle to the point where I agreed to getting nice things. Things Id never be able to afford by myself. After my car got totaled I got a 12k settlement which I had my dad take care of because he wanted to take it to use to get me a new car. Well he decided to get me a fucking expensive newer car.. the accident happened oct. 1st 2013.. I ended up driving a rape van (huge burgendy van with bars on the windows) to and from Ivy Tech and work for about half a year or more before my dad decided to take out a loan for a Toyota Camry 2013! Why on earth would you opt to get me a expensive car like that when I cant even afford gas or live on my own!? Now Im fucked because I cant pay the car payment.. my dads paying it which makes him think for some reason that its his vehicle. No on the contrary it was his decision to spring for a newer car of which I am entitled to 12k of. so yeah now I have a investment in something I cant even use because the insurance is insanely high and I cant afford it. Sigh Im just so fed up with all of this bullshit. If I could sell everything I have right now and just start new, that would be ideal. Sell the fucking Toyota, use the money to pay off my credit card bill, pay off school and maybe have enough to secure a place for me and my dog to live. Because I am not a goddamn straight woman who has a boyfriend to pay for half of everything. I feel like alot of girls live with their boyfriends and get off easy. Well thats not an option for me is all Im saying. I can barely even find a lesbian whos responsible and even has enough income to hold up their half of living expenses.. I cant say shit about that right now since Im in the same boat but still. Even when I do (which I usually do) have all my resources I still cant find a responsible GF. Either way Id still be dependant on whoever I was living with to keep my place. Even if they were a roommate. Which I guess would be the same financially if it were a significant other providing half. anyway.. Ive been trying goddamn hard to get a job. I signed up for Rover.com to watch dogs or walk dogs for people but IDK if my background check came back clean. which it should because I spent extra money so that it would be. Beyond all.. I am seriously just fed the fuck up with trying to manage all of the bullshit that I have to. It feels like I need 3 of me to accomplish all the shit in front of me. I am overwhelmed I guess is what that means. I feel so useless in the world. The only thing keeping me from spiraling into a severe depression is the fact that Im going to school for something that I love doing. Knowing that in a month and a half Ill be graduating is whats keeping my head up. Other than that.. its my friends and animals that hold up the rest. Some days I for real just want to get drunk and say.. FUCK IT ALLLLL. which is kind of what im doing right now.. but guess what? my box of cheap ass wine is almost gone so this will be a short lived release until im fucked again.. and cant even go to a party I was invited to go to on sunday. Im writing very unhinged right now. I need a goddamn stupid dumb job. And Ive been trying to get one for months. Now its even harder without a cellphone. "hey yeah just call my house phone and let me know about that job" just doesnt jive well with me because ITS A FUCKING HOUSE PHONE.. better than nothing but its real fucked trying to get a job when you cant answer your phone bc you dont have one of your own. gaaaahahahahaha fuckckkckck Im just so fucking stressed. I feel like I cant accomplish anything with the materials I have right now. Even if I had some money.. Got a full tank of gas and paid off my monthly bills I still wouldnt just magically have a job. Even if I got my phone screen replaced. Goddamn and Ive tried going into places but apparently Im a dumbass and come at the wrong times. Sigh.. just. fucking. schedule. me. for. a. interview. its not that hard. Theyre like "oh yeah were hiring" but other than saying that sentence they are so fucking unhelpful. "oh did you apply online?" uhh duh yeah I did you fuck. Why in the fuck would I not fill out an application and expect an interview. Fuckin assholes.. like I get it.. youre busy. but hey you wanna know what would ease that? If I was working right now and could take some of the work load off. Everytime someone would call about a job I would be so informative and supportive because I know what its like. Plus if I ever feel like Im overworked- which is alot of the time at those quick turnover jobs- I WANT the person inquiring about a job to get the job. Why? because I need them to take some of my workload off. Thats how it happens at pizza hut at least. you start with a bunch of people and then they dwindle down to where everyone is being over worked and more workers are needed as to not kill everyone who still works there. sigh.. I dont even want to work at pizza hut again but at this point I will take any fucking job I can get. I am being nickeled and dimed.. just like that fucking book I had to read in school. Given, all of it was brought upon my by my own past hand. I cant do anything about the past and its legit my past self just going crazy on a credit card that has me so fucked right now. After I get these cards paid off I will NEVER EVER EVER have another credit card again. I cannot be trusted with it. Great that I know that now that Im in debt out my ass. Yeah yeah and I have this theory that I learn things in life by trial error.. and guess what.. IVE FUCKING LEARNED.. and now that I have im still super fucked. Usually my trial error didnt cause me this much detrimental pain and suffering. usually it was like touching a hot stove and it was over with. but no.. this has been a very slow stinging burn that wont let up. I know.. I know that I will have to kill myself working my ass off and not having any shred of a life to get out of this hole. but the thought of it just really really makes me sad. Not saying It makes me not want to get a job. because NO WAY I need a job ASAP like yesterday. like if someone walked up and would pay me 20 dollars to eat a worm I would. Because it would spare me the shame in asking my mom YET AGAIN for gas money. God I am so tired of asking anyone for ANYTHING. Its the last thing I want to do in fact. Theres only so much you can ask of someone before they decide they wanna say nope.. youre on your own. and you know? Im surprised my mom hasnt told me no yet. Shes really really helpful. I think she understands me but also just wants me to get a job already so I wont keep borrowing from her. Which is understandable completely.. and thats exactly what I want too. At least i dont just sit around getting drunk and stoned all day in my pajamas. Im actually trying here. Theres nothing more that I want to just have a steady income. I dont care what kind of shit I have to drudge through to get to that point. I am so able bodied and ready to sweat and work and give myself away to a corporation for money. But guess where Im going to get the gas money to get to that job? FUCK IF I KNOW lol. goddamnit. I have really done it this time. How did I let it get this bad? How did I let myself fall so far? I dont even have anything else to sell to disc replay and the only other things I have to sell are all my paintball equiptment.. and I dont even really know how I would go about doing that. Craigslist? idk. I am flailing..... my wings are clipped and i cant fly. I have maybe a few dollars in change right now. Man how I used to just throw it in a jar willy nilly when I had a job. Not touching it at all for months and months. and now its all I have. FUCK. my rope is covered in kerosine and its been on fire for months. Someone in this world needs to cut me a fucking break and give me a job. Just 1 fucking person to say "you got the job, heres your uniform, come in monday at 8". I have been able to keep my hope through the worst of situations in my life. I feel it wearing reaaally thin right now. I almost had to walk miles just to get home today. you know its bad when you cant even afford to drive home. When youre just waiting for your car to give out and its screaming "i need gas!!!" You actually make it home and you get out of the car and hug it and praise it. Thank you. Thank you so much for holding out on me. I will get you gas as soon as I can I promise. Its like if you were traveling by horse and didnt have any water or grains for it to sustain itself but it powers through for you. I feel like a huge bum slacker bitch. Like I shouldve worked harder. done this done that. And maybe I wouldnt have ended up in this tight situation. The only thing in this world that is mine is my body and my animals and the relationships I have with my friends. I'm going to call Pizza hut right now. Ive been trying to fucking get this interview scheduled and they keep being little bitches over the phone. Not this time. I wont let it happen. "oh were in a lunch rush" dude. no. Fuck off. lol. Not this time. BRB. ya okay same old shit.. OH the hiring manager isnt here. Okay I understand but why dont you ACTUALLY give them my name and number and HAVE them call me. I know I know I will call the HIRING MANAGER on monday. See? its just a let down. I will call monday and demand an interview. I am more than qualified for your dumb job. anyway.. I know my friends and family will always be around to help me out. But I am a very stubborn person and have always wanted to do things my way and on my own. asking for help is something that I hold as a last resort. In the situation im in I am at my last resort time. It takes money to make money. money for the gas- to go to work- to get the money- for the gas- to get to work. Thats a 2 week process in itself. once I get past that threshold Ill be more self-sustaining. GGaaah! Please.. UNIVERSE! Im begging you!! Give me a job! Please please please please please! I need to get back ontop of it all. Hold out hope... hold out hope... crunching gears inside me trying to keep that train moving. GO. keep the rusty gears going. Keep swimming like Dory says. I feel like im trying to keep swimming but im in a puddle barely sustaining life itself. Gasps of water into my drying gills every couple seconds. All the while "hold out hope, just keep swimming" goes through my head like a mantra. I go from being super hopeful and positive to super hopeless and negative. Sometimes I'm just on this mid-line pergatory where I dont know how to feel or how I should feel. I know that a lot of people deal with hardships like me. Usually just pushing all their feelings down day to day thinking.. eh ill figure it out. Somethings got to give in for me. things will be different and get better soon. This isnt the end of the world. Im not dieing.. yet. But there are times where no matter what your troubles.. you cannot just push it down anymore. You have to sit there and stare into the eyes of a skull and think.. things are going bad. This isnt how it should be. I shouldnt feel like this. Something is wrong in this equation because its not equaling out right. So here I sit. In my familiar place where Ive faced a lot of things in life. In the garage. (wow a disc replay commercial just came on the radio.. how ironic... fuck u guyz lol). Ive dealt with sooo much in this garage. Most of my epiphanies have happened in here. Most of my hardships. At least in my adult life. And when I wasnt in Terre Haute. Always staring at stuff in here. Listening to the radio. Smoking cigarettes. Drinking. Thinking. [insert link to In The Garage by Weezer here] I cant even explain the range of feelings Ive felt in this garage. Love, lust, loss, depression, happiness, worry, anxiety, calmness, anger, thoughtfulness, perceptiveness, desire, turmoil, empathy, regret, sickness, healthiness, Ive felt hot and cold, bad and good, and at the end of the day when I sit here. It feels so familiar. It could be anywhere. but in this little box on the planet is where all these things have opened up like a bud. So many conversations with friends, on the phone, in person. Oh so very telling and depending on if there was snow, dead leaves, flowers, or sun outside the dynamic would change ever so slightly. And as friends have come and gone, people have died or were born, this has been a constant place for me for the last eight years. After I caught a big fish, built a snow fort, or made a drunken dancing video to missy elliot this place stayed the same and was always here. I feel like im confessing a love affair between me and my garage right now.. but I wanted to express my gratitude to these four walls which I believe have absorbed a lot of the things I am talking about right now. I remember when I first started to dwell in this garage. I was still drinking and smoking on the down-low. Didnt want my mom to know. I would listen to the radio and write just like Im doing now except it was often in a notebook. Its the only way for me gain solace in my life sometimes. Love often drove me to worry as I listened to deftones, linkin park, or staind or anything that came on x-103. Id just scribble on page after page I would stop caring if it was legible... That shear fact that id stop caring in general was all I wanted. I wanted to release all my cares into a song or a feeling or a writing. What do I want? who do i need? who AM I ? Sometimes I never know. I dont know things alot. as much as Id like to believe I have every little thing under control.. I never have it all. this isnt to say that its a negative thing. Sometimes you simply cannot wrangle every little thing into a place you think it belongs. often things are flying like kites with brittle strings. they break off and float out of bounds yet still connected just not within reach. Its definitely angering at times. you think.. why cant i keep my shit in check? but if you think about it. maybe it was never "your shit". I really think its better to not stress over things that blow away. Youre in a spot you let shit fly and it ends up gaining its own separate current without you. You cant always be strong enough to keep everything where you want it. It doesnt work that way, you cant control everything. HELL sometimes you cant control anything. and I know how that feels. shit. right now I could still be walking on the side of the road away from my broken down car. holding up my thumb trying to get home. you cant hold everything down with a thumb tac or a bad attitude. things will happen and ya you probably could have avoided some things but I think things happen for a reason. Maybe to teach you that you in fact are not in control. That things are or arent just black and white. Reppercutions.. actions that lead to situations that you have to handle. Its all apart of one thing. you... its you. hah. I mean you make choices.. and theres always a second and third happening. In my case.. it makes me feel like im unintelligent when I make a choice and it causes something bad. Ex. If I were to have to walk home today.. my mind would have been full of .. "well thats because I didnt have enough gas" Well why didnt I? because I didnt have the money. Why didnt I? because I dont have a job. Why dont I have a job? because Im an irresponsible entitled person. I act like the world will bend to my whim when it doesnt work that way. When weve all got the same probability of things going our way. Why should I think I'm any different? why? because of all those times I made it home when my gas tank was below E? what about those times when I didnt get so lucky? that time my car stopped on a highway and I was late to work and I got fired? Its just this numbers game in my head. Will it be okay or not. I never know but my brain urges me to believe yes. youll be okay. and when im not i think well.. It was about a 50/50 that this would happen and I knew that deep down.. so I cant really be too mad right? lets just walk a few miles and get what i deserve. meanwhile I think about everything I could have done that wouldve lead to a different outcome. ya hmm. maybe if i had a job.. id have gas in my tank.. and this wouldnt have happened. maybe..hmm just maybe..? You know when you drive down a highway and you see a person walking it? You can gaurantee that that person is thinking... how could I have avoided this? That person is me that person is you. Walking on the grass on the side of the road.. looking at all the trash people discard from their car windows. Really slows your mind down when youre walking where you normally drive through. You see people zoom by who will get to their destinations on time. Who had the money and intellect to just buy some gas. We all have our days when were in the gutter. When I have mine, it forces me to slow down.. to really look at my life. Why did this happen.... why am I stuck and fucked like this again. Even though I magically made it home today on my below E tank I still see this as a wake-up call. It brings me back to the times when I didnt make it home. I felt like a lost dog. and ya I know.. poor me.. first world problems. Oh man Leigha had to walk 5 miles to get home because she ran out of gas in the automobile that she has available for her to drive 24-7 usually. And dangg. she even had a full meal before this walk.. poor her. I know I know. Its totally crap. Its not like I almost died or was starving and in a desert left to die. In reality, on this planet I am lucky. I am a lucky person. But to say that we still dont have our problems would be to say that anyone with a roof over their head was flawless. It makes me realize that yeah, first world problems are nothing to those in third world countries. But I shouldnt feel invalidated if I have room to improve my life. Everyone in this world has room to improve their lives. I am not solitary in this one bit. in fact I feel like I am unaware of tons and tons of stuff in life. Theres so many times when I just simply dont know something. Makes me feel like I dont know anything about anything sometimes haha. its like "oh you didnt know about this?!?!" uhhh no I didnt. Should I have? Woops? am I squandering my priveledge to learn about things I should know about? When it comes down to it. I am never done learning. I am never done growing as a person. I am so ignorant to so many things simply because I have never been exposed to them. I cant walk the earth acting like I have a grasp on everything when I dont. I dont know what anyone else goes through day to day around the world.. I cant compare my life to anyone elses if I've only lived my own separate life. I can relate to people of course but I do not think that anyone can fully understand how something feels unless it happens to them. sure ill say "oh yeah Ive felt that before" or "I felt like that when... etc etc" but I dont know how it feels through someone elses eyes, in someone elses shoes. What Im trying to say is that I have had some really really hard times. Personally I feel that they are HARD TIMES. For me and maybe me only. Maybe others would look at these "hard times" and laugh and say "HAHAH you think thats hard?". But that being said this is how I feel and it cannot be undermined by anyone. Beyond all these technicalities that I decided had to be stated, right now I feel as though I have entered the abyss. I feel like Im in a place that is neither here nor there. I am a real nowhere man who has no real nowhere plans. I used to want to get a tattoo that was the symbol for "nobody". It was a onyx or something I dont remember the spelling. For a long time I thought I was nobody. I thought I would just bend to the whim of anything or anyone. And at the time, I thought that was just me. Me was nobody since I felt like everybody but nobody at the same time. Then I thought.. hmm I dont think I should get this tattoo because what if someday I become somebody. And im glad that I didnt get that tattoo because I AM somebody. I guess there are sometimes that my past self is right about how my future self will feel. I feel like everyone is usually thinking about the future. How they will be, where they will live, what they'll be doing and who theyll be doing IT with (bow-chicka). And do you know what I think? I think that everyones present self is the best link to that future self. OBVIOUSLY. but think about it like this. You .. RIGHT NOW.. can have a serious effect on your future self. Not just with succeeding and blah blah blah boring shit like that. Listen. About 6 or 7 years ago I made a video of myself talking to my future self. I completely forgot about that video. I came across that video one day and HEY it was ME! I didnt remember it AT ALL. and as I watched it it really really felt like my past self was talking to me. it was SURREAL AS FUCK. and on point! Ever since that day I have been making videos to my future self. Even stating in the video that I know Im going to just be drunkenly watching this video. Which usually is also on point! hah. But I strongly suggest that more people do the same thing. maybe just check in with your future self every now and then and say hey. what the fuck is up?! I hope you arent broke as shit and running out of gas. haha. its actually pretty comical the stuff youll begin to find your past self saying to you. I think documenting your life is a really good thing. You can learn so much just by sifting through your past experiences that youve written down or video taped. Right now for instance I feel like I need some guidance. So I think I will revisit some of my past selfs videos and make another one. You talk about how youre doing and how youve fucked up and tell your future self about all of it. Then in a year or two guess whos giving you pointers? YOU! haha its really actually hilarious. who'd of thought that it would be what you said to yourself 2 years ago that would set your world straight. I think I should go revisit my videos now. I need some guidance. :D In other news. not doing so well right now. This writing has definitely helped. Leigha Horvath- Signing off. ;*

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leighasnotebook · 7 years

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December 5th 2016

Hey erryone, decided it was about time to write another bloggity blog. SO ill just jump write in. Life is such a beautiful jumble of fuckery and nonsense. You go through it just sitting here, walking there, doing this and that. And theres always more and more loose ends and things you need to take care of. Its almost like garbage collecting during the week. You start fresh every week with no garbage and end up piling on more and more until its finally garbage day and you can rid of all your discarded shit. Basically just like life and everything that it throws at you. You got bills, you need money to throw at it. you got a flat tire, you need a new tire. ETC. So when you finally solve the problems you face aka you pay the bills and get that new tire you can just throw those thoughts away because youre done with them. you have momentarily succeeded in taking care of your shits. your garbage can is empty. But then of course you keep going along and ope here comes another pile of work you have to take care of. Even the simplest of things can turn into a pile of dusty paperwork in your mind. Even though it can easily be solved with a simple phone call or a few days of work. (if you even have a job you lazy millenial) you know who im talking about. Anyway we all know about this because we deal with it everyday as new challenges come forth and dare us to conquer them. I see debt as a challenge now. And everything else that comes at me. you know the inquiry "come at me bro", well Ive kind of made it into a spin-off of my everyday challenges. Got bills? come at me bro. Got a flat tire? come at me bro. I dont neccesarily take it personally EVERY time. but mostly I do because it helps me to defeat them. You tryna fuck with me huh? you think you can topple my stature? well nah hell nah you cant because guess what I am packing reinforcements and I have a bundle of them just waiting for your sorry ass to unload on! I treat it somewhat as a foe. a villian if you will. You trying to ninja yourself into my life and make me feel things? nah hell nah you wont. you grimey bastard fucks. see? everyone feels better when they feel like theyve got everything under control. And I just happen to do it with a different glint of gangster violence. eh.. whatever works right? Besides that I was thinking yesterday in the shower and I came up with a really good idea for myself. I play a MMORPG called Runescape and basically it involves you making your own warrior anyway you want. could be a meleer, a ranger, or a mager its all up to you. And you go around completeing quests and improving your skills in anything you want ex. cooking, fishing, herblore, theiving, woodcutting, agility.. etc. to make yourself a stronger person. These quests usually involve a NPC (non-player character) needing your help with something. Maybe you have to go kill a dragon or stab a vampire in its heart with a stake. maybe youve gotta do something as simple as gathering the ingredients for a banquet dinner for the king. Regaurdless of what the quest entails Ive always been very motivated to complete them. It feels very good to help these non-existant in real-world pixelated people. So In the shower I thought.. why not try to incorporate my ambitions towards Runescape quests in real life. Make real life quests for myself to succeed in life. So now that I realized how amazing of an idea that is, I am going to do it. You know.. Ive got a quest right now for instance to get a job and make enough money by the end of the month to pay my bills. Lets say if I dont do those things in a timely matter a alligator/dragon/mage will topple the streets. Now I feel like it is my duty as a civilian to help in this matter. I mean shit. I'm the only one that knows about this impending doom because I made it up. SO ultimately it is my duty. I dont know. Im working on variations of this idea as I type. In other news, Ive been attempting to meet women and it is not as easy as it has been in the past. When you dont have alot of money and everyone is usually at work at different times its hard to schedule a "play-date" if you will. But ehh i suppose it gives more time to get to know someone via talking on the phone before you meet them. But lets face it thats lame and what I really want is to wine, dine, and RL stine the bitches. Give them the damn goosebumps. ya dig? Yah yah. so Im working on that but I need a job first. Quest begins bitches. I downloaded a lucid dreaming app on my phone and I think its actually working. I have been having the most crazy ass dreams lately.. its almost as if im in a alternate reality. So many different things are going on in them that its often hard to even remember them fully. I can for the first like 30 minutes after I wake up but then its gone because well Its gone. While I'm sleeping if I get woken up and have to let the dog out or something its like I just wanna get right back into the dream because Im doing something important. Like im working on something in my alternate reality and I just got disturbed out of it. Hardish to explain but I think I like it? I dont really know haha. I know that they are very eventful at least. Or maybe the app isnt working at all and Im just dreaming like this on my own. The purpose of the app is to make you aware of whether you are dreaming or not. So throughout the day it will sound a specific little jingle and ask if you are dreaming. So you see it and think nope Im awake. Then when it happens while youre sleeping youre supposed to be able to recognize it and think YES i am dreaming I can do whatever I want now! yay. Well okay I wish I could write more because I have alot of different things going on in my mind. mostly because i have severe ADD but anyways. I should stop because a friend of mine should be stopping by anytime now and I want to wrap this up before she gets here. I also have school tomorrow and have some homework that needs doing. So since I wrote this on a program called wordpad without internet I shall commence to editing and posting on my blog. Hope you stick around I hope to write more about constructive shit soon. I dont think anyone really reads this anyhow but if you do.. I sawwwry. ~b00mBoX~ There's nothing in life that I can't achieve.

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leighasnotebook · 8 years

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Some nonsense :)

Hello people of the inter webs. I know that every time I start a new blog post on here I always state that I know I haven’t written in awhile. See? I just did it again. So now that were all aware of my lack of posting I shall commence with the posting about my randomness and things in life.. whatever comes out.

So I’ve been going to school for about 3 months now and my first quarter out of 3 is almost to its end. I have a’s and b’s and I am proud of it for sure. I’ve been learning how to do all sorts of cool stuff dealing with blood and urine and poo and IV catheters blah-de-blah-de-blah. SO MUCH AWESOMENESS. It really has helped with my quality of life. I feel like I’m doing important things and its cool to be knowledgeable in the medical field.

So I guess Ill start by writing about a few recent/humorous/grueling experiences of mine while at school. First of all every student who is either in the vet tech or vet assistant program must complete kennel duty. Kennel duty basically entails cleaning out the kennels and walking the dogs, feeding the cats and dogs, basically everything having to do with upkeep of the kennels and the animals that occupy them. So my kennel shift was this past week. I had to wake up at 5:30 am everyday because it takes an hour for me to get to school and kennels begin at 7am. And basically I’d stay there all day long until around 5pm. anyways. So first off, I got bit by an aggressive dog named dooney. We had just had a bonding experience by the pond near the school. we sat underneath the tree in the shade and felt the nice cool wind blow as we watched the geese and ducks do their thing. Dooney is VERY dog aggressive so basically when he sees another dog he goes ballistic. He shows his huge chompers and barks and growls like a crazed alley way dog in the night. SO as I took him into the kennels he immediately started to freak out. I was trying to get him redirected in the direction of his kennel which was about 5 feet away when he turned and clenched his jaw on my left knee. It all happened in a split second. I then took him out of the kennel room to try to calm him down.. meanwhile Im bleeding out of my knee and have no idea what kind of damage he had done since i had my scrubs over it. I then tried to take him into the kennels once more but he ended up acting the same way. So me, being quite shaken opted to go find another person to put dooney in his kennel. she did and then i got it cleaned out and that was that. I put a few bandages over it and took an ibuprofen to keep the swelling down. then a nice helpful girl went and got me an ice pack to put on it for awhile. ---so that was the end of that

But then.. a few days went by and it was the pm kennel shift. This girl went to go put dooney away after a walk and he bit HER! I saw the whole thing too. She started crying and ended up crying for 10-15 minutes like a little bitch. her bite was maybe a little worse than mine but not by much. And when this happened EVERYONE was freaking out about it helping her and shit. did it happen when I got bit? NO but its probably because i didnt cry like a little bitch and blow it out of proportion. Idk maybe my pain tolerance is just higher than hers. I dont mean to sound insensitive but I mean.. come on.. its going to happen throughout your entire career. Are you going to act like a little bitch every single time a dog or cat bites you and cry your eyes out?

Anyways, moving on. 2 days ago I did a few dog enrichments which basically is just taking a dog outside for 15-20 minutes to play or run or something.. could be whatever you wanna do with them. I decided since I was one of the first to come do enrichments (and had my pick of any of the dogs I wanted) that I would go ahead and take one of the difficult dogs that everyone hates walking/enriching...basically doing anything with. AND TRUST ME..it is not without reason. So I decided to enrich a dog named Jethro. He’s a big slobbery aggressive and horny dog. He looks kind of like a lab mixed with some kind of hound dog because his lips sag down and are filled with slobber constantly. This turned out to be the worst dog walk of my life. So anyway everything started out harmless at the beginning of the walk. I usually like to take dogs for enriching out at the pond. I find it peaceful and relaxing over there. So when we got to the pond that is when all hell broke loose. Jethro began trying to aggressively hump me. I mean this dog will seriously wrap both of his front legs around BOTH of your legs tight and it trips you so you fall and are more vulnerable to his raping. I literally had to body slam him multiple times and throw him to the ground. we were basically wrestling for 15 min and I could not get control over him. every time I would push him off he would come right back at me and wrap around me really tight. All of this occurring while slobber and hair was getting all over me. I was covering my self in dirt because like I said I was on the ground wrestling this fool for about 15 minutes. no one could see us since we were too far away and kind of behind a hill. He scratched me all over and even ripped some of my hair out with his claws. He was pulling down my scrubs and exposing my underwear which made everything look so much worse. The only way I could get him back to the kennels was by picking him up by his front two legs and making him walk on his back legs all the way back. PANTS HALF DOWN. SO basically I got him back to his kennel finally where he proceeded to continue raping me while I struggled profusely to get his harness and collar off. Finally when I was done I escaped the kennel and was covered in slobber and hair that stuck to the slobber. I was sweaty and shaky from tensing my muscles for 15 minutes straight trying to get this strong horny aggressive dog OFF ME. Feeling defeated I hobbled to the break room looking like a rape victim and got a few cups of water and sat down just exhausted. It was by far the worst dog walk of my life and perhaps one of the worst experiences I have ever even had with a dog. NEVER AGAIN.

But besides these 2 instances everything else at school has been great. Overall, it is a rewarding program to be in. Lots of studying and homework and huge medical words. But I’m doing fairly well at all of that.

Anyways besides school I wanna talk about things that don’t involve school. Because I feel like all I’ve been doing and thinking about is school and id like to take a little break from that at least while I’m decompressing and writing.

Other than school I have managed to get a job interview at the theater and my interview went splendid. I should be getting a call on Monday to find out if I made the cut. Which I sure hope I did because I really need the money. It only pays minimum wage but I don’t even care at this point I just need some form of income. Also I am allowed to watch 1 movie per day with a friend for free! what an awesome perk!

Besides money and jobs, my love life was booming a few weeks ago. But the boom turned into deflated bullshit RIGHT QUICK I TELL YEE! I knew it was going to happen because I had like 3 bitches hitting me up. (yes, I say bitches get the fuck over it its my blog). I knew it would be short-lived and I had a strong inclination that it would sputter away like a car from the 70′s breaking down on a highway.

Why did I think this would happen? well because come on! THREE count em’ THREE bitches. its just... too good to be true you know? I knew something was out of whack with the universe when that happened. I was going from one girl to the next having convos and it was all casual and nice. but 1 by one the bitches.. they dropped like shitter-flies. YOU HEAR THAT RANDY?!? its the MOTHER EFFING SHIT WINDS BLOWING INTO TOWN. yeah just like that. you feel me? I wont go into details about all three situations, and its not that I dont want to its just that its so predictable and boring for me to not land bitches that its not even worth mentioning. You know.. its actually pretty laughable to me. I laugh now when things like this happen because it happens so often that I just learn to laugh about it. and say “pshh bitches” sigh. hahaha see im laughing right now just thinking about it.. JUST saying i am not meant for a woman who gets her feelings hurt easily.. and i am not meant for a woman who doesnt like to have sex.. I am also not meant for a prissy ass bitch who doesnt even know herself. I am not meant for a lot of women lol. I am a hardcore bitch.. and I know it. I dont cry over nothing all the time and I dont get pissy for no reason all the time. When I get pissed its for a good reason and you better get out of the way lest you get hit. And if I cry its either because im drunk and ive gotten too emotional for some reason OR its because ive pent up lots of horrible things for a long time and something just takes the last cake and I have to spew tears for a bit and then im fine.

Crying for me I guess is kind of like throwing up. When I do it its because I cant hold it back anymore, and usually I feel 100% better afterwards. I dont know man.. Im just tired of all of these dumb bitches that waltz into my life acting like they care about me and then ditching me for no good reason. FUCK THEM. thats all I really end up having to say at the end of it. Women are so hard to get along with sometimes.. it seems like they all have something hard and spikey up their asses ALL THE TIME. like goddamn calm the fuck down and stop being so emotional and bitchy. thats right.. I said it. We were all thinking it. I just happened to be the one to say it.

Its not a big deal if all i want is someone to chill with and be affectionate with and you know maybe have a relationship. its not like im asking the world from them. cant we just get high and have some beers/wine and watch that 70′s show and laugh our asses off and have a good time without any of the bullshit that comes out of their mouths? Like really? why do people always ALWAYS have to have a problem with something and ruin a good time. Even a minuscule little issue like “oh I saw that girl messaging you, i bet your banging her arent you?!?!?” and im like no wtf stop noooooo fo real? and then it escalates when all I want to do is be chill and get along like 2 peas in a pod. on a frog on a log in the bog at the bottom of the sea.

Idk end of that rant.

brb need to go to the gas station to buy some more of my 7 dollar packs of american spirits. sigh.

Alright I’m back. Listened to K.flay on the way. I wish I could figure out how to get new music without cds without it taking forever or taking up a ton of memory space to the point where I cant do anything else with the device. Im sure I could use the little android thing I bought for 40 once to do it but Its just such a goddamn hassle. I wish I could get paid for putting my own music on my own android. then I would be a pro at it randomly.

I tend to get pro-status at things that other people ask me to figure out for them or do. I do not know why. I think its because im just so eager to please other people. When it comes to doing some semi-difficult for myself I kind of just goof off with it and dont really care about it as much. It’s like when I go to my friend Dinas studio apartment. It’s usually all sorts of fucked up in there. She’s got trash everywhere, rotting food and nats everywhere. All her surfaces are covered in cat hair including the toilet seat. and shes got old throw up still encrusted on the toilet bowl from -she doesnt even know how long ago. A raunchy thong just lying on the floor of the bathroom. the air conditioner apparently has a weird smell to it when she turns it on and instead of replacing the filter she just suffers with the heat. Also theres old encrusted cat vomit in the window sill. I could go on but my point is that every time I go there I always just want to clean it up. Why? I think its because since its not mine and its all messed up I feel like I’m doing her a favor and I actually enjoy the fuck out of it. I like cleaning her apartment. its a strange thing that I really havent fully understood why I like it or do it but that’s just how it is. I like gathering up her trash and taking it out to the dumpster, I like to do the dishes and sweep the floors. I like cleaning her toilet and what not. I guess I just like the satisfaction of A) doing something nice for her that she will take notice of and like B) it’s something about cleaning up other peoples messes that gives me an ocd high. you know? I’m not too sure to be honest. I might never know. But I know that this isnt the first time this has happened. Ive cleaned Hannahs room multiple times, and her kitchen and other parts of her house. Ive cleaned up brandis old house in terre haute when she lived with like 4 dudes. I cleaned up the house in broadripple all the time when I was living there. And not because I ever felt that I had to but because I wanted to. It pleased me to see their faces when they saw a nice clean house with warm lighting and candles going when they got home. Anyway I’m going on a rant about this now too. new topic

I feel like I always want to reconnect with people from my past. I am always open to it with my arms open wide. But, I have noticed recently that you sometimes cant just pop in and things will be like they used to. Ive attempted to reconnect with a few of my old friends or flings and things just seem a little off. I dont know if it was the circumstance or who else was around that affects this but it just isnt the same. Of course I didnt expect all my old friends to stay the same after years of little or no contact but I did expect that the way we communicate would stay the same. I expected to call them up or come over and it be a reunion of sorts. Not an intrusion or awkward encounter of the 3rd kind LOLZ. What can you do? nothing really.

Days like these, like today I mean, I just want to call up some old friends and catch up on our lives and hash out what were dealing with and get new points of view and give advice where its needed. I enjoy looking at old videos of me and my friends and reading old writings I wrote way back when. I enjoy taking a step back from the present and thinking into the future, to just delve into the past and remember how things were and how everyone was and our relationships. To catch up on certain situations we used to have to deal with and may or may not have found a way to solve and move past. Its always been a objective of mine to keep all of my friendships afloat. I need them in my life. In fact, I think sometimes I would rather converse with someone who is not directly involved in my life anymore rather than people close to my life. It tends to provide a more unbiased perspective.

I enjoy writing so much. Right now I wish I was at a party filled with all of my old friends all together having a good time talking about anything and everything. I think I’m going to stop writing for right now so that I can look at some old videos I took at ISU. lol they crack me up man. Plus I have a ton of old writings that I havent even read for probably 3-4-5+ years. :) always fun

If youre reading this and have gotten this far, thanks for sticking with me lol. And if youre one of my old friends lets talk shall we? unless youre a huge cunt. but I think youd know if you were or not. O.o

-saggin sushi man

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