Missy My Love

I have never done anything like this before after parting with someone. The thing is, I now realize that I have made the greatest mistake of my life, and I've made at least one other really big one! The least I have to gain from this is hopefully being able to sleep again, the most, to have her in my life again. I hope I am able to express what I so dearly need to say which is basically I'm sorry, I love you, I should have done better, and I can do better. Hopefully what follows will explain.

Have you ever hurt someone you love so badly that you were afraid they would never talk to you or be able to love you again? I have.

I once had the most incredible woman as my friend and lover. When we first met, life was bliss. She pulled me from a funk that I thought would never end.  In fact “She kept me alive with her sweet flowing love,” a love that was so strong, and hit me so fast, that I carved it in stone (cement anyways)!  She was the one. I could feel it in my soul.  We were incredible together. Everything we did was perfect. Projects together, outings to throw stuffed animals, dinners and desserts, Peacock Lane, bodies entwined in our sleep. We melded so well that most people we met, that were strangers to us, assumed we had been together forever. I couldn't wait to spend the rest of my life with her! Our relationship felt transcending. I never imagined that our bond would do anything but grow.

There is so much about her that I love and adore. She is brilliant, beautiful, strong. I love the way we work together, coming up with brilliant, creative solutions to whatever it is we are doing. I love the way she rough houses with Stella in the evening. I love how she maps out a route before we go run errands. She is meticulous with detail. Her  tool shed/loft bed with a wall size white board on the side, that she built, is fucking awesome! I love when she looks into my eyes. I adore the way she moves her hair from her face with her hand, yes it is particular to her. I love watching her move around the house from atop the bed perch. I love her style and the way she dresses up, even to go to a garlic festival! I adore how she combs her eyebrows, and how those eyebrows talk to me. I love her lips on mine. The way we held hands or touched some other way whenever we had a disagreement, and the fact that we could throw funny quips in during those disagreements. Her entire body, my perfect woman. Her toenails, always colored up. Her panty collection that never ends. Her squatty potty (I should have bought her a squatty potty for my house!). She blew my mind when she bought a guitar, I was so proud of her, especially knowing about her past unpositive experiences with music. I love how she only inspected that guitar after bringing it home, not even trying to play it yet, like it was a wild animal that needed to be approached slowly. She is creative, organized, articulate, self sufficient... I could go on forever.

This beautiful woman though, had hidden fears, anxieties that I was unaware of. They could be triggered by things that seemed inocuous to me, and my inability to understand this, as well as my inability to communicate with her when they krept into our lives led me/us down a path that would ultimately cause me to lose her.

Things slowly unraveled, and although I loved her more than anything, I could feel it collapsing and I didn't know why or what to do. I was becoming overwhelmed. I was afraid to talk to her for fear of making things worse. The day I lost my mind I was inexplicably overpowered by  my left brain, and I said something stupid, I didn't understand what I was doing, it was just happening, and I could offer her no explanation at that time. I went numb. When she was packin gher stuff and handed me her key to the house, my right brain was telling me that this was wrong, but I let it happen, I don't know why.

I didn't understand what or why I had done what I did. I loved her so much, my actions confused me. For weeks I contemplated what happened. I wanted to talk to her but feared rejection because of the pain I had caused her. Also not fully understanding what happened I didn't know what good it would do. I was lost.

After months of searching it finally became clear to me that her anxieties, and my inability to understand them, and communicate this to her, had become overwhelming. My own anxiety grew from this and the day I broke was the day my left brain decided that I needed to be free of them. I realize now, that my attempts at communication were feable and this was harmful. There were so many instances where I failed, that I wanted to say something and didn't. My thoughts were clouded. She was like nobdy I had ever known before, I  didn't fully grasp her needs or how to address them. I thought that if we could just be together that she would eventually understand how much I loved her. That ultimately things would get better, she would be comfortable with our love, not fear the worst, she'd be triggered less, her anxieties would decrease, I could be myself around her, and we could be at ease with eachother the way we were in the beginning. That did not work, was not going to work. It was too late before I figured this out, and now I fear that I have lost the love of my life.

I believe I had trouble communicating with her for fear of causing more anxiety, which I desperately wanted to avoid. So I didn't say anything. I didn't realize I was only causing more damage. I felt that if I tried, my thoughts might come out wrong and only upset her more.  A couple weeks ago while surfing I had an epiphany. I realized just how horribly I had been communicating with her, how horribly I had expressed my feelings to her. How unsupportive I actually was.  I realized while sitting out in the water (my meditative place, as the forest is for her) is that I SHOULD HAVE TRIED to tell her, explain, communicate! My god what had I done? It's all she ever wanted, and if I had tried at least I would know that if we did grow apart that our best effort would have at least been made, but I had failed to make the effort. Since that epiphany my heart has ached, as though it finally broke through the wall that my brain had built around it.

Since my epiphany I have had clarity. I know how I would handle these situations now. My brain has been creating lists of ways to help (I've been writing them down). It woke from its slumber, as though it was processing all the “Missy data”, and finally understands her and her needs. My left brain and right brain have become partners. I understand how I need to communicate, not be defensive, be proactive, be loving and supportive. I don't know why I couldn't see this before but I definitely see it now.

Maybe you think its too late and you'll have nothing to do with me. I understand, knowing how much I had to have hurt you. You thought that I am not interested in spending time improving myself, whether for myself or especially for us, but you are mistaken. I am, that is why I have written this narative, to convey the message that I now understand what needs to be done and need to do it, especially for us. I may never be lucky enough to have another chance, to be with you again, but I have to try. I love you Missy and can't bare the thought of never seeing you again, and creating the best Us possible.