#LinkedIn era sucks ass | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

abalidoth · 9 months

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Oh shit I totally missed this one, I'm sorry! I was doing Weird Tessa Stories for these, right? Alright, a long one to make up for the delay -- the worst photo experience of my life.

So the year is 2017, I'm finishing up my Ph.D. in Laramie, WY. I'm massively stressed and dissociating all the time from both the stresses of academia and four years in the closet. This was distinctly in my "nail polish and skirt goes on Friday afternoon and comes off Sunday evening" era. I'm also looking for jobs to get OUT of Laramie.

My parents see my LinkedIn picture, which at that point was a selfie, and as a birthday present they offer to buy me a professional photography session to get a nice looking picture for my website/linkedin/etc. Okay, this seems fine. They find a photographer, I go meet with her.

I immediately get Weird Vibes from her. Her office is in this loft thing downtown with tons of example pictures, it looks like she specializes in senior photos and wedding photoshoots but in a way that feels very pandering to that crowd? Also she's talking about her second vacation home in Colorado so I'm like, lady you're already wealthy why the fuck are you doing this

She's incredibly solicitous, all praise and flattery and fluff. Her emails are downright florid, and she's the same way in person. She's the walking incarnation of a Hobby Lobby wooden Bible verse sign.

But the most salient part of the consultation for this story is that she insists on COMING TO YOUR HOUSE to critique your wardrobe.

She comes over and paws through my selection of Guy Clothes (which despite making up most of my wardrobe, I don't care that much about at this point) while constantly making comments to Emma about "Oh, haha, he's such a guy, you know how men are!"

(Emma, for her part, is doing a valiant job of defending me against this dysphoria without actually outing me, because she's the best.)

So, a suit that fits her specifications is selected and the day of photographs comes around. At this point, if I was paying for this myself, I would have bailed long ago; but it was a gift from my parents and I'm debilitatingly conflict averse, so out I went.

Immediately she takes me to a back alley in Laramie. I ask her why, she says she wants to get some casual shots of me first. I tell her I'm just here for business shots, she tells me to loosen up, it'll be fun!

Did I mention I'm conflict averse?

So I'm standing there in an alley, holding my suit jacket over my shoulder in the most awkward possible way, staring at a piece of graffiti that says "JESUS SUCKED YOUR DAD'S COCK", when I start to realize that maybe this has all gone a little off the rails.

Eventually we do get some good professional shots by the river.

A couple weeks later she calls me in for a consultation. I bring Emma along for moral support, because the weird vibes at this point are getting pretty overwhelming. The photographer sets up a projector and shows off these hugely blown-up portraits of me on the wall, saying "Oh, getting a print of this size is only $930, I have one above my couch!"

(Also, she's showing off the alley pictures. I do not want the alley pictures. I think maybe Modern Tessa could pull it off in like a crop top or something, but Awkward 2017 Closet Tessa in a suit could not. We tell her we do not want the alley pictures. She shows us more alley pictures.)

Each time, she's trying to talk us down and down to smaller and smaller sizes of print. My dysphoric ass at the time doesn't want ANY picture of myself hanging on the wall; also, that's just not the tenor of our decor at all. We keep politely saying no.

Also keep in mind that MY PARENTS HAVE ALREADY PAID HER FOR THE PHOTOGRAPHS.

Eventually we're just blunt with her: my parents already paid, can you just give us the digital files? We hired you for a LinkedIn photo, you have taken the photos, we don't want prints.

She says "I don't give out digital files."

Not once during this whole process has she mentioned this; not once in all the times that either my parents or myself have told her that this is for job hunting. We say this, and additionally say "When we hired our wedding photographer, she gave us a thumbdrive with ALL the pictures she took, AND the retouches, as part of the package."

This woman has the fucking gall to say "Well, I'm sure some people do that, but not serious portrait photographers."

We manage to get out of there without buying a fucking poster-size print of Jesus Cock Alley Tessa. I call my parents and tell them the situation. My parents, eminently practical people, say they'll deal with it.

Two days later I get an email from her, forwarded from my dad. It has the subject "linked in photo attached", no text, and a single medium-resolution picture from the river photoshoot, and I never hear from her again.

#tesserants #i can laugh about it now but at the time it was just stress on top of an already stressful time

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