Lost in the Sauce: Payback | 페이백

written by Samk and illustrated by Fujoking

manhwa chapter 2

edits by: @yaoibledits

Yoohan continuing to be the cutest little bean that he is

Sometimes, after reading the novel, it is impossible to read the manga. Потому что, в голове, герои уже обрели свои лица.

Reading scripts til 2am at Alice's Labyrinth once again

The progress in payback manhwa is so so freaking satisfying. Slow burn and realization had me in tears. Jay being a supportive and understanding to taemin makes me adore him so much. And the slow way taemin realizes his own feelings and relationships with those around him is also bittersweet and feels so so real.. they're bittersweet because he doesn't really understand his actions or feelings but when he actually does it makes his trauma hurt the most. Seeing him overcome that trauma is fucking satisfying! Yes baby go and heal!!

baby do it right 🤸‍♀️

Yoohan looks like he's waiting for the freaking bus 😂

Lost in the Sauce: Payback | 페이백

written by Samk and illustrated by Fujoking

manhwa chapter 1

edits by: @yaoibledits

Payback: Portrait of a wacko 🤪

#paybackmanhwa #페이백 #payback @fujoking_bbu Finally, the essay "Portrait of a wacko🤪" is finished. I hope you will like it. Feel free to comment. Retweet/like it as support. Thanks.

This is where you can read these manhwas. Payback: https://www.lezhinus.com/en/comic/payback_en But be aware that this manhwas is a mature Yaoi, which means, it is about homosexuality with explicit scenes. If you want to read more analyses about Payback or other manhwas, here is the link to the table of…

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guys help i accidentally made my yjh design too fun to draw and self-indulgently bigender. don't mind me...

late night lee yoohan sketches ( •̀ ω •́ )✧

thinking about 1865th round proof of stars scenario.. desperate to know who got stuck with 49 kim dokja. no matter who ohhhh my god what unbearable temptation

ORV AND THE POWER OF CHOICE

I’d like to start with Kim Dokja. From the very beginning of the novel, he made the claim that it was easier to be alone. That is was “comfortable.” Despite this proclamation, he lays his life down time and time again for his companions. He /chooses/ a harder path: a path of love, a path that he was never shown personally.

"I really don't understand it. Why are you helping me, Hyunsung hyung and the noonas? If you are alone... you would be able to survive better."

He could calmly speak such words before his death. Maybe this kid's mind was already dead.

"Yes, you are right." Another ground rat fell to the ground with its head cut off. "It is comfortable to live alone, eat alone and survive alone. But..."

The “But..” really takes me out because he’s saying it is easier. But I don’t want easy. I want you. I want all the problems that come with saving you. I want to die for you. I want to be with you until the end of this.

He makes the conscious choice to protect his companions, shielding them best he can from the dangers of the scenarios, even if it comes at the cost of his own life. He doesn’t ever consider the unhealable wounds his companions are left with when he sacrifices himself. I think this is him attempting to protect people the way he yearned to be protected. I see this especially with Shin Yoosung, Lee Gilyoung, and Lee Jihye. 

“I saw the party members screaming in despair.

[ Why are you trying to save them? You can see the ending even if you live alone. ]

‘The ending is only meaningful if they are there.’”

“It was all planned and ahjussi used us for your purpose. Let's say we are characters of that damn Ways of Survival and everything is set!" Lee Jihye was crying, watching me while biting her pallid lips. ‘Then… why did you throw your life away for us so many times?’”

“Answer me! If we are really characters in a fictional novel, why did you die for us over and over?”

“Tell me that I did good until now – whether I made the wrong choices or not, whether I would get to see the desired conclusion when I reach the end of this story or not.”

“Kim Dokja's salvation was cruel. Like rescuing a drowning person with a blade, those saved by him were inflicted an unhealable wound.”

Now I’d like to talk about Han Sooyoung. The woman who made the conscious choice to save that boy who thought he couldn’t be saved. I want to remind you, Kim Dokja isn’t anyone extraordinary. Which is why Han Sooyoung’s love for him is so.. special. At the end of the day, Kim Dokja was just a kid struggling with abuse and the arrest of his mother. A kid who liked to read. A lot of Kim Dokja’s story is about learning that it’s actually /okay/ to let people care about you. It’s not selfish to want people to love you, or to yearn for a family. To wish you could’ve had more than you did. Han Sooyoung gave up every single one of her nights and slept her days away to write for him. To most, Kim Dokja was just a lousy employee, a quiet guy who wasted his days away on his phone. But to Han Sooyoung, that man was worth destroying the entire world for. She made the /choice/ to save him. Her actions prove that you don’t need to be amazing to be worth saving. You don’t need to be the “main character,” and you don’t need to sacrifice yourself to be worthy of the care others so desperately want to give you. Sometimes, people just genuinely love you. Even when it feels impossible, or as if we are undeserving. Han Sooyoung making that decision. The decision to save Kim Dokja, to /love/ him. I think that’s one of the most powerful things we can do as human beings. To choose to be there for someone. To choose to show up every day. To /choose/ to do things that hurt because we want to ensure the wellbeing and happiness of another. Han Sooyoung would do it all over again. She wouldn’t take a moment back. 

This brings me to YooHan—something we need to talk about more. Han Sooyoung essentially crafted Yoo Joonghyuk, looked at him and said: I am going to destroy your life to save someone. And Yoo Joonghyuk said: okay, I will let you destroy me. I will watch my world fall to pieces over and over again. I will suffer. I will be put through agony. I will question why any of this is happening to me. I will struggle every day with the meaning of my miserable life. And I will carry this burden with you. Han Sooyoung and Yoo Joonghyuk did everything they could to save that lonely Kim Dokja. I often think about secretive plotter when he found out about Oldest Dream. When he was exposed to the reality of his agony, when his tormentor was finally revealed. But when he set his eyes upon that sad, pathetic, lonely little boy crying and repeating “I am Yoo Joonghyuk,” it was all.. okay. His story had saved someone. Secretive plotter who has been drowning in an eternal misery was almost.. content. And Kim Dokj was confused by his reaction. He couldn’t comprehend why Secretive Plotter wasn’t lashing out at Oldest Dream as Dokja had tried to do. This couldn’t possible be the ending he wanted, right? How could he be okay with this. He should kill that monster. That /monster/. He should end his miserable life for all the torment he put him through. That monster.. is me. I am a monster. Who could love us. Who /would/ love something so vile and useless. Who would possibly care about the well being of me. 

Yes. Han Sooyoung created Yoo Joonghyuk. And much of his story is about his sense of agency, struggling between the lines of what was written for him, and the choices he made based off his own free will. And while Yoo Joonghyuk was written /for/ Kim Dokja, Han Sooyoung never wrote that he would /love/ Kim Dokja. Again, he made a conscious decision. He made the conscious choice to love that man. Yoo Joonghyuk always felt as though things were out of his control, like his actions were not his own—a puppet, just as Secretive Plotter described him. But he /did/ make his own choices. He loved his companions. He loved Han Sooyoung. He loved Kim Dokja.

Han Sooyoung /chose/ to write that story. Kim Dokja /chose/ to read it. And to some extent, Yoo Joonghyuk /chose/ to live it. 

I think orv has a lot of themes. But at its core I really do believe it’s about learning that even when we feel like the worst person, the most horrible, disgusting, and unlovable monster on planet earth, someone out there will choose to love you. Again, I say choose intentionally here. To choose to remember the things someone loves. To choose to be there when they need you. To /choose/ to shoulder their burdens despite your own which you are already carrying. Someone out there wants you to exist. Someone out there wants you to live. Orv teaches its readers that if we are all a little patient, maybe someday someone will choose to love you. Someone will decide that yes, you are worth moving Heaven and Hell for. I love you, despite your issues. I choose to love you because you can’t love yourself. I will show you how much I love you when words can’t express it. One day, I hope someone writes a story for you. And I hope that one day, you will no longer be lonely. And finally, understand what it feels like to be loved.