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valmerappreciationhours · 4 years

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Ain’t No Lie (Baby I’m Bi Bi Bi)

Clenny Week Day 1--Fake Dating

Clyde's fake-dating plan needs a boy for it to work. Kenny McCormick seems like the best option. There's no way this could go off course.

(or read on Ao3 here)

how down wud u b 4 pretendng 2 dte me

Clyde gave the almighty message a nod and folded the ripped notebook paper into a sloppy airplane. He aimed when the teacher’s back was turned, sending the paper careening across the room. Clyde caught Craig’s eye and flashed a toothy grin alongside a big thumbs up. Success! Craig leaned over the gap between their desks and whispered, “You remembered to sign it, right?”

Best friends as they may be, Craig had always been one to bring down the mood.

The comment had the desired effect of Clyde straining across his desk to try and see the location of his airplane on the other end of the room, knocking off a flurry of papers in the process. Vaguely, Clyde could hear Craig and Token’s simultaneous sighs, Tweek’s startled yelp, and Jimmy’s chuckling. None of that was what he was looking for, though. That was being picked up off the floor by bandaged fingers in frayed gloves.

The airplane was examined just long enough to read the name scrawled out in pencil before being unfolded. The reader gave no visible reaction before tucking the sheet inside a beat-up parka and critically glancing around the class. Tired eyes raked over the crowd of faces and-

Kenny saw Clyde.

They made eye contact. The teacher droned on. Kenny rose an eyebrow; Clyde nodded as the answer to the unspoken question, grinning just a little sheepishly. Kenny pulled the crumpled paper back out and reread it, then grabbed the nearest pen (which happened to be on Kyle’s desk) and made a few marks. The paper was sent back by airplane, and Clyde tore the paper with the speed in which it was unfolded.

Clyde blinked down at the paper. He tapped his pencil to his chin, thinking what to add. What could he say here that would wow the fabled Kenny McCormick? He passed the sheet over to Craig to see as well, whispering, “what would you say are some of my best qualities?”

Craig glanced back up with a deadpan expression. “He’s asking why you want to pretend date.”

One could practically see the lightbulb flick on above Clyde’s head. “Oh! That’s way easier to answer!” Before he could turn back to the paper with newfound spark, it was whisked off the desk. Clyde looked up to see the teacher looming with the note, a dark shadow of doom cast over the desk.

“I must kindly ask you not to pass notes in my class, Mr. Donovan. Last warning.” The paper was promptly tossed out and the lesson returned to, leaving a very distressed jock and a poor kid with a little more interest than he walked into class with.

When the bell rang and students hastily pushed their way out, Clyde was a man with a mission. He and Craig shared a nod and went separate directions, one with the goal to distract an inquisitive friend group, and the other to find a blob of orange in the dense crowd. Clyde fought his way through, sights trained on the orange coat he’d spotted. Almost there—

“Hi, Clyde.”

Clyde stared at the boy. That couldn’t be right. “Wait, Kyle, since when do you wear orange?”

Kyle gave back a funny look. “Since always?”

“Cut him some slack, Kahl.” One of Eric Cartman’s more prominent skills was surely butting into conversations uninvited. “He’s been playing sports with Stan; you can’t expect him to stay smart.” Cartman cleared his throat and dramatically turned, ignoring Stan’s protest. “What. Do. You. Neeeed?” He blatantly overenunciated, and was happy to do so loudly.

Clyde’s cheeks reddened, but he pressed forward. “Isn’t Kenny usually with you guys?” Cartman was quick to make a wisecrack about Clyde and Kenny, and Stan answered while his friends argued.

“Dude, he’s just in the bathroom. He can’t afford a vape so we know it won’t be too long.”

Not too long, huh. Clyde adjusted his varsity jacket, leaning against the wall in a futile attempt to look cool and chill next to Stan’s infamous gang. The sacrifice would be worth it if he could just get Kenny’s response.

True to Stan’s word, Kenny stepped out after a moment, wiping his hands on dirty, ripped pants. When he looked up and saw Clyde intermingled with his group, his body language lit up. Smooth as anything, he sidestepped his usual crowd and held out a hand to Clyde, who was simply a little confused, but had the spirit and took the hand. Kenny confidently stepped off with Clyde in tow, flashing back a finger-gun and a wink, leaving Stan, Kyle, and Cartman in varying states of shock.

“I totally knew they were gay, you guys! I totally said it!”

The resulting shouts reverberated around the hall, but they were easy enough to tune out. Besides, it just meant the plan was already kicking into gear.

As for the pair, Kenny had yet to put his gloves back on, and Clyde could feel the ridges of every bandage on his hand. The skin was cool to the touch, but surprisingly gentle. If pressed, Clyde would claim that any embarrassment he felt in that moment was simply because Kenny grabbing his hand was out of the blue. Still, he was quick to snap back to the cool-guy demeanor he so desperately wanted to achieve.

“So. Class.” Maybe not as cool as he might’ve been in his imagination.

“Mhm,” Kenny hummed behind his coat. “I was actually thinking we should skip.”

Clyde grinned. “Cool.” His math homework lay unfinished in his folder, so a little postponement would be beneficial on all fronts here. He’d take Kenny over algebra any day. Clyde swung their joined hands aimlessly between them, smile still dancing on his features. “Where were you thinking of going?”

Kenny looked over, eyes twinkling. “Well I don’t take cute boys to the Goth hangout.”

Led by Kenny, the two dashed out a forgotten exit at the end of an abandoned hall. From there, it was a short walk through overgrown weeds and unshoveled snow to a weary-looking shed. Clyde eyed the building warily; the hinges creaked when Kenny pried open the door, and the thing seemed to sway with the wind. Besides, the whole structure was grimy and rotten. Clearly forgotten, it was the perfect place for sneaking away to, at least.

Inside, Kenny had already plopped onto the floor. He waited for Clyde to join in the dirt before starting the conversation with about as much taste as one could expect from the most troublesome gang in school. “Trying to impress the Asian girls or what?”

“Huh?”

Kenny leaned back, casual. “Creek was a big hit; my first guess is that you wanted a piece of that attention. Guy and guy, people eat it up.”

“Well—actually, I hadn’t thought about that…but no! No one believes I’m bi.” Clyde paused, waiting for a reaction—there was always a reaction—but his companion was living up to his reputation of being the quiet type. “Token thinks it’s the jacket, but Jimmy thought it was a joke when I told him I like dudes!” It had been upsetting at the time, but remembering his friend laughing and snorting chocolate milk out of his nose helped. “I thought, if I showed people I could date guys, then they would be lining up after we stage a break-up!” It was a fool-proof plan, if he did say so himself.

Kenny nodded. “Solid. So what brought you to Kenneth McCormick?”

“Aside from being one of the only out guys in school, come on! You’re Kenny McCormick!” Clyde gestured to his friend, voice loud and excited. “Everyone knows you’re basically a relationship god! Besides, it won’t be as much of a big deal, because, uh…” Clyde’s spark fizzled out awkwardly, one hand rubbing his neck.

Kenny’s expression remained unchanged. “Because I get around.”

“Which is like, so cool.” Clyde said quietly, afraid of disturbing the tense atmosphere. The awe, however, was genuine to its core.

Kenny’s right eye crinkled ever so slightly. “Yeah. ‘Cept the dying from syphilis.”

The cold air that filled the shed didn’t seem to matter at all in that moment, nor the dilapidated and disgusting wood they were sat on. What did matter was that the atmosphere between them was warm, just two bros hanging out and skipping class. Clyde watched the small puffs of warm air drift up out of Kenny’s parka and watched the way those blue eyes shone with mischief. This was gonna be such a great idea.

“Hey, babe!”

Token, Tweek, and Jimmy watched with wide eyes as Clyde hailed Kenny over to their lunch table, draping an arm around him. Clyde’s round face was lit up with a grin.

“The m-m-madman actually did it.” Jimmy’s mouth hung open, braces glinting in the light.

“Oh my god.” Token’s salad lay forgotten in the wake of this much more important news.

“Gah!” Tweek grabbed onto his boyfriend’s sleeve. “Did you know about this? Has this always been happening? Kenny?”

Craig continued to poke at his mashed potatoes. His voice maintained its flat nature, but those who knew him well could notice the small smile tugging at the corner of his mouth. “Clyde’s my best friend; I knew. They’re kind of perfect for each other.”

Kenny continued to hover at Clyde’s side, the two of them deep in conversation. Kenny was laughing, Clyde looking insanely proud of himself. It was Token who recovered from the sheer shock first.

“Uh, why don’t you sit down, Kenny?”

A pleased noise made its way out of the thick orange parka, and Kenny slid onto the bench next to Clyde. His arms were noticeably empty, but he used that as an opportunity to sling one around Clyde’s shoulders.

Tweek stared, eyes as large as saucers. “How long?”

“A whole week,” Clyde proudly announced, spraying half-chewed food across the table.

“I g-gotta hand it to—to you, Clyde. I didn’t think you could get a b—bo—a bo--, I didn’t think you could s-snag a man.” Jimmy leaned on the table, soaking up the news.

“Yeah, man,” Token smiled, ever the diplomat, “Congratulations!”

Tweek tapped his fingers anxiously on his thermos, continuing to stare directly at the new duo. Jimmy leaned farther across the table, stage-whispering to Clyde, “h-how much did you p-p-pay for that one?”

Kenny leaned onto the table, matching the other, calm. “You couldn’t afford me.”

That sent the table into a fit of laughs, save for Tweek, who only produced a weak chuckle and narrowed his eyes at Kenny. When the object of scrutiny looked over, Tweek mouthed a small “I don’t trust you,” and twitched. If a member of Stan’s gang thought he could just waltz into their clique and manipulate Clyde’s heart, he was sorely mistaken. Tweek would be cautious. He’d protect his friends.

Tweek was startled out of his thoughts, yelping when he felt a sudden hand on his arm, but looked over into the concerned face of his boyfriend. “Are you okay?”

“It’s Kenny,” Tweek whispered, agonized.

“Clyde’s happy,” Craig responded casually.

Tweek nervously glanced back to the intruder. Clyde was leaning on Kenny, waving his hands as he told a story. Kenny watched with passive interest, blue eyes alight. The two looked so comfortable next to each other, bright and content. Tweek twitched. “Clyde’s happy,” he had to admit. “But if Kenny turns out to be an evil monster from another dimension, it’s—gah! —it’s not my fault when all our souls get stolen!”

Across the table, Kenny snorted.

“Do you want Doritos or barbeque chips?” Clyde called out from his perch on the kitchen counter. His arms were already laden with food, but chips were mandatory to complete the hangout.

“Barbeque!” Kenny yelled back from the other room. Clyde added the red bag to his collection and climbed down to head back. He rounded the corner into the living room and dumped his snack spoils into a heap on the ground. Kenny’s blue eyes were wide as he took in the size of the pile.

“Just grab whatever, I don’t know what you like.” Clyde plopped himself down on the carpet and extracted a soda. It hissed as he cracked it open and took a sip. Kenny scooted over, abandoning his notebook, hand hovering over the snacks. He finally grabbed a packaged cupcake and eagerly tore in.

The weather may have been getting colder, but the inside of the Donovan household was plenty warm. Clyde had ditched his varsity jacket for a t-shirt and some old sweats, while Kenny still donned his heavy parka. It was making Clyde sweat just looking at the faux fur trim and heavy fabric. “You wanna lose the coat, dude? My dad’s got lots of heaters.”

Kenny looked up from his food and shook his head. “Nah,” and his eyes crinkled, “you couldn’t handle all the looks I’m packing.”

“Maybe I should get a parka then,” Clyde mused. “It would help from having to fend the ladies off with a stick. This beauty is a curse.”

Kenny raised an eyebrow at the last comment, but didn’t say anything. Clyde was getting used to that; after hanging out with his group who always had something to say, the silence was a bizarre shift. He supposed it balanced out the constant screaming and arguing by the people Kenny hung out with.

Kenny happily moved to grab the bag of chips, and Clyde slid him a soda and juice as well. Kenny opted for the juice box, maneuvering the straw through the zipper of his mouth guard. Clyde stared down the fabric, curiosity ebbing at his thoughts. Maybe Kenny was right; maybe he was unspeakably attractive behind that coat. Kenny caught his eye, and Clyde quickly glanced away.

The snack pile slowly wore down, no match for their combined appetites. Clyde led the conversation between mouthfuls of food, from video games to the latest drama to why Red Racer was actually cool and not a nerd show, and no, Craig did not have him brainwashed. Clyde was happy to blabber on, and the jokes Kenny intercepted with were of the utmost quality. Indeed, Kenneth, that is what she said.

Clyde swallowed his chewed cheese snacks, and made the spur of the moment decision to drag Kenny into the current topic. “How would you rate the guys in our class?”

Kenny wiped his mouth. “Stoley’s a zero. Don’t like that he has the same name as my brother.”

“You have a brother?” The little Karen McCormick he knew about, but another sibling was a surprise. “How come I haven’t seen him?”

Kenny shrugged, leaning back on his hands. “He dropped out. Kev’s working at a car garage now.”

The pieces fit together in Clyde’s head. “Oh! Because your family’s poor!” He felt proud of his innocent realization, but that soon dwindled. Kenny’s tired eyes stared him down, and Clyde was suddenly struck with the sheer number of wrappers that surrounded his friend on the floor. “But cars are cool!” he tried. “I can’t wait to drive!” The wind in his hair, a shiny new vehicle, impressing everyone around; it was a dream.

“I’ve already driven,” Kenny proclaimed, happy to share his accomplishment. “And I didn’t even die once.” Of course, Stan’s gang would’ve gotten into that. Nothing stood between those guys and doing whatever they wanted.

“I hope you didn’t die,” Clyde shot back, smile tugging at his lips as he climbed up onto the couch. He grabbed the remote from where it was wedged between two cushions.

“You’d be surprised.” Kenny laid back on the carpet, arms crossed behind his head and eyes closed.

“It would suck so bad if you died, dude.” The noise of various channels filled the room as Clyde flipped through, but things were weirdly quiet in Kenny’s corner. When Clyde looked over, his companion had a strange look on his face.

“Yeah,” he finally responded, gaining humor in his voice, “you’d have to find some other sorry guy to fake date you.”

“Hey! You suck!”

“I didn’t know we were at that stage of our relationship,” Kenny taunted, waggling his eyebrows.

“Shut up, dude!” Block it out, Donovan, block it out. This is just some temporary stuff, chilling with a homie. Grabbing the attention of some cute guys in the school while casually respecting the cute guy in front of him platonically. Still a good plan. “Wanna pick a movie? My dad gets home in like three hours.”

Kenny gave an enthusiastic thumbs up and leaned against the couch as the film played. Clyde had to keep himself from inviting his friend up to the couch as well. Cuddling during movies is not a bro activity, he reminded himself. Kenny’s parka would be stifling pressed against his skin anyway.

“No, he’s dating Kenny McCormick.”

“Yeah, he’s hella bi.”

Clyde strolled through the halls, head held high, confidence levels way up. Being a topic of hallway conversation made his heart swell and put a little skip in his step. His eyes caught on a poster hanging on the wall, and it only made his grin spread.

Art Club Wednesdays, the sheet announced. Beneath the colorful lettering was a drawing, bursting with oranges and reds. The shading was bold, and the fabric folds boasted a level of artistic expertise. The limbs may have looked a little wonky, but it got the point across.

Clyde raised his phone to take a quick picture. He’d say they captured his roguish handsomeness pretty well.

“You guys are so cute!” Bebe had gushed in the back row of Home Ec. In the seat beside her, Kenny poked a needle and thread through his project, making a noise of agreement. “I think it’s good he’s found someone, I felt so bad for the guy after we broke up.” She pressed another pink sequin to her own swatch of fabric and set to stitching it on.

“I’d say he’s pretty satisfied right now.” Kenny winked at Bebe, who bumped him on the arm, careful not to disrupt their stitching.

“You’re a dog, McCormick.” Bebe’s eyeroll was betrayed by the smile playing at her painted lips.

“Maybe so.” Kenny shrugged, slipping the needle through again. “No complaints so far.”

“Hey,” Bebe prompted, “Has he fallen asleep on you yet?” Her eyes were bright, and the lift of her mouth just a tad mischievous.

Kenny raised an eyebrow and leaned closer. “Oh?”

Bebe adjusted her project on the table. “When we were dating, he would always be so affectionate. It’s like moving a cat.” When she finished her current loop stitch, she fished out her phone and unlocked it. “I think I still have pictures of him drooling everywhere. It’s always important to have blackmail material.”

Kenny bit the end of his thread off with his teeth, and began threading a new one. “But he’s real soft for cuddling,” he provided, “like a built-in pillow.”

“That was top-tier snuggling,” she admitted, sliding her phone over. “Check out these pictures.”

“Holy shit.” Now that was the good stuff. Equal parts adorable and terribly embarrassing. Bebe Stevens was truly an artist.

Caught up in the photos, Kenny’s hand and needle slipped, effectively intercepting his other arm at an angle that tore open a line of skin. The blood gushed out, and he hissed, covering as much of the wound as he could. His glove and fingers quickly stained red. Bebe yelped at the sight, but reacted fast, grabbing both of their projects out of the splash zone. “You’re a real one,” Kenny smiled at her, albeit weakly. He shot off a quick and earnest finger gun before falling out of his stool.

Bebe was right in the statement that Clyde was affectionate. He was always pressing his knee against Kenny’s at lunch, or swinging their hands together when they walked. Kenny had made an educated guess in saying that Clyde was like a pillow, and he was indubitably pleased to find that it was true.

Kenny was finding a lot of things about Clyde pretty great, actually.

“—but Craig doesn’t like coffee at all so I wonder how he kisses Tweek so often, you know?” Clyde prattled on, breath forming puffs in the cool Colorado air. The layer of snow left on the sidewalk crunched as the duo strolled through, hands wound together.

“Maybe the homo cancels out the coffee,” Kenny theorized, the idea doubly muffled by his hood and the whistling of the wind.

Clyde tapped his chin. “That does make sense, but I was also thinking that Tweek probably kisses all quick since he gets nervous like that and Craig isn’t affectionate anyway—”

“How would you kiss me?” Clyde looked over to the glittering blue eyes of his fake boyfriend. The wind was rough, and had blown out a few strands of blond hair from the confines of the parka. Despite the time they’d known each other, Clyde still had trouble distinguishing the other’s mischievous teasing and genuine intrigue. It probably had something to do with the small amount of uncovered skin or the already quiet nature. He doubted Stan or Kyle or Cartman could do any better.

Clyde opted to answer with the guess that Kenny was messing around, which he thought was pretty likely. He stopped in his tracks, moving the hand that wasn’t holding Kenny’s to the latter’s hood. The crinkle that characterized a typical Kenny grin was quickly replaced with wide eyes. “Ken, dude, babe, I would kiss you into next week. People would talk about it for generations as the best kiss ever conceived. It would be legendary.”

Kenny gingerly took Clyde’s hand from his hood, holding it in his own. “I think you’re mistaken,” he hummed. “I’m sure the school would agree that I would be the one kissing you into next week.”

Clyde considered. “It would get a lot of attention…” That was the goal here, after all. If giving Kenny a smooch would help accomplish it, so be it. There were definitely worse people to kiss.

When it came to it, attention was certainly grabbed. Deemed the perfect time by the amount of student traffic between classes, Clyde and Kenny nodded like the genius agents they believed themselves to be. After exchanging quick conversation, they knew it was time to enact.

“I’ll see you after class,” Kenny cooed.

“See you later, babe,” Clyde concurred, and reached over to pull down the piece of the coat covering Kenny’s mouth.

The worn fabric bunched, and Clyde was struck with the face of an angel. Pink and purple bandages hugged the curve of Kenny’s cheek and the point of his chin. Freckles exploded across his thin cheeks, darting across his nose, cut by various scar lines. Dried blood still presented itself on the corner of his lip, which had obviously been busted. Kenny was missing a tooth on the right side, prominent and unspeakably adorable when he grinned. Clyde could have stared forever, but was interrupted by Kenny leaning in and pressing their mouths together.

And he thought just looking at Kenny was good!

When the fireworks finished, Kenny’s coat was back up in half a second. Clyde had decided that damned parka would be his new greatest enemy. Sorry, Arby’s cashier on Maple Street, there’s new priorities. “You were right,” Kenny proclaimed with a teasing lilt, smile evident in his voice, “you were doing some serious kissing.”

When Kenny turned tail and went to class, Clyde stared after. He continued to stand in the hallway after the bell rang, too focused on the phantom brush of heavy fabric on his face and the metallic taste of a bleeding lip in his mouth.

“When are you going to break up?”

Clyde looked up from where he was struggling with his essay. “Break up with Kenny?”

Craig spun around in his desk chair, so Clyde could clearly see him roll his eyes. “Unless you’re dating someone else. Yeah, Kenny.”

Clyde blinked. “Why would I break up with Kenny?” This conversation was making about as much sense as his homework. Craig always seemed generally supportive, and Clyde thought his escapades with Kenny were going well.

The two stared at each other for a few awkward moments before Craig finally gave in. “You’re fake dating. You thought it would be a great idea to use him to start raking in the boys.”

“Oh yeah!” It was all clicking back into place now! “Oh god.” They weren’t actually dating. That forgotten fact came back around like a freight train.

Craig gave him a long hard look. “How do you forget you’re fake dating someone?”

Pink tinged Clyde’s cheeks. “It felt very real!” he defended.

Craig set his pen down, lab report abandoned. “Well, do you think it’s real?” Clyde paused, and Craig continued, voice as even and monotone as ever. “You’ve talked more about Kenny in the past month than Red Racer. It got on my nerves but you looked sooo happy.”

“He’s a really good kisser,” Clyde added fondly.

Craig leaned back. “I would say just ignore emotions until they go away,” he sighed, “but Tweek would tell you to talk to him.”

Clyde grinned cheekily at the mention. “You mean, all this time, Tweek was the master of relationships?”

Craig’s mouth twitched into what might barely count as a smile. “Yeah. He’s way better than you could ever be.”

Clyde fell back onto the carpet, clasping a hand over his chest. “The betrayal! From my own best friend! You are not getting invited to my wedding!”

The words fell on only half-interested ears, as Craig had turned back to his science papers. “Bold of you to believe I would show up anyway.”

“You wound me, Craigory.”

“Then perish.”

It was the perfect location, in Clyde’s opinion. The Taco Bell on the corner of Gibson Avenue was a shining pillar of all that was right and delicious in the world. The third table by the window had been there for so many special moments and endless menu combinations. There could be no better place.

Clyde figured if Kenny fake-real dumped him, he could just drown his sorrows in nachos and spicy chalupas. Taco Bell would understand.

The two slid into their usual seats, the familiar smell of seasoning and meat easing some of Clyde’s nerves. Truly the best place, and today had to be the day. If Tweek was utilizing relationship knowledge that could help Craig Tucker of all people, Clyde was smart enough to take it to heart. It was just a matter of bringing it up.

“So, how’s dating me going?”

Kenny looked up, bemused. “You’re the man of my dreams, Clyde Donovan. I’m swept off my feet.” He pulled some coins out of his coat and began counting them out on the table.

Clyde flushed. “I mean actually. I wanna talk about dating you.”

“Oh.” Kenny looked up, shifting a penny to a second pile. He looked disheartened, but Clyde just had to push through, and then he could cry into his tacos. No backing out now.

“I wanna date you for real.” The words tumbled out in a rush, destroying any façade of cool.

The seconds ticked by. This was it; the deciding moment. The answer that would determine the rest of their interactions for forever. The two stared at each other, brown eyes against blue.

The tense silence was broken by Kenny leaning far back in his seat, fists in the air, punctuated by a muffled “woo-hoo!” The clatter of the chair and boy hitting the hard floor reverberated through the restaurant. Other customers looked over, undoubtedly irritated by the disruption, but the employees, upon seeing the two familiar faces, didn’t bother to bat an eye.

Clyde leaned over the table, eyebrows bunched, concern cut across his face. He found Kenny sprawled, limbs caught in the topped chair, grinning like a madman. He made no move to get up from the greasy tile, but his eyes glittered. “I was hoping you would.”

A matching wild smile spread across Clyde’s face. “Wanna celebrate with tacos?” He stretched over to better look Kenny in the face.

Kenny got a hold on Clyde’s jacket, closing the space between them. He shrugged. “Can’t afford it. I’ll see what I can get off your face.”

Clyde quickly pulled his boyfriend to his feet, rushing toward the register. “Then what are we waiting for? Finally, my two favorite things combined into one!”

“Me and tacos?”

“You and tacos!”

A month had passed, and the two were lying on the Donovan’s carpet amidst cola stains and snack wrappers, when a question hit Clyde. A question he hadn’t considered before, but was important enough that he knew it wouldn’t go away until he asks. He looked up from his Animal Crossing town to gaze at his boyfriend.

“Why did you agree to fake date in the first place, anyway?”

Kenny grinned, and Clyde knew seeing that missing tooth and freckles would never get old. “I thought it would be fun.”

The simple phrase made Clyde smile, and he knew he had Cheeto dust caked on his cheek, but he couldn’t be bothered to care. “You were right.”

“You know what else would be fun?” Kenny set down his PS4, and Clyde could swear that the glow from the screen didn’t match any graphics he knew of, but there were more important things at the moment.

“Making out?”

Yeah, he was always gonna love seeing that smile.

#clenny #clenny week 2020 #clyde donovan #kenny mccormick #craig tucker #tweek tweak #token black #jimmy valmer #stan marsh #eric cartman #kyle broflovski #bebe stevens #my mediocre writing #south park #sp clenny #sp fic

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foxxygold-blog · 5 years

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South Park High School Jokester

Chapter ~ 2

Deciding to take up on the boys offer to show you around town, you sent a quick text to your mother saying you were going to be out later than planned. She sent you a quick text back, usual ‘k’ with a little heart emoji. Smiling softly, you left the message on read before hitting the power button to lock your phone before shoving it in your pocket and rejoining in the conversation and walk with the boys.

“To be honest, most of the town is shit. However, the people in it make the place, a little less shitty? I don’t know how to explain that any better,” Stan muttered. He rubbed the back of his neck before giving a nervous chuckle.

“Fuck the town, let’s talk about you. You just moved here the other day and scared the shit outta Butters and his parents and creeped us out today. Is that something you do often?” Kenny questioned, looking at you with what could only assume was some kind of smile underneath his winter clothes.

“Well, here’s the thing. Warning, I’m probably about to overshare because I don’t know how to just stop talking about my personal life, ya know? Okay so like, I don’t know. My first thought was, let’s make a great first impression! And then my mind switched to, lets fuck with them if they like mom enough then surely they’d come back. I don’t know, it’s a thing my anxiety does is it’s like, don’t do this thing, they’ll hate you for it, but then my meds are like ‘who fucking cares do it anyway and make a GREAT TIME out of it’ because we only live once you know? Oh, I think I over shared again,” you paused. You could practically feel the cold sweat beginning to form on your back, what if they cared about you having anxiety and thought you were weird.

“Oh okay, that’s cool. Well, if you need anyone to talk to you with your anxiety that is, Stan and I would probably be the best to come too,” Kyle smiled. You sighed, managing to relax and nodded your head, thankful they’d be willing to hear you out if you actually had a problem.

“So yeah, I just thought, what could be the best way to scare the shit out of almost everyone, and by almost I mean Butters and his family for a fact, and my mother a little. She mostly gets mad. I was like yes, the squid hat for a fact, and my prop bongs. I’m not actually a drug user, you know, save form the average users over the counter prescription meds, but I don’t do heroin, meth, weed, or anything along those lines. I’m a good child of the lord,” you laughed, “so I set up my speakers as quick and started playing some anime opening that had become a meme in recent years and played the ear rape version, it felt like the whole house had an orgasm. You should know Kenny, the one that has people looking like they’re having a seizure.”

Kenny sent you a finger gun with a nod of his head, indicating he knew exactly what you were talking about. As the entire group of you walked around the neighborhood and you were introduced to most of the boy’s families, it wasn’t long until a group of girls ran up to the group. You couldn’t help but feel nervous; wow all those girls were pretty. You watched them all talking to almost all the boys save for Cartman before the black haired girl in purple looked at your and smirked at Stan.

“New lover already?” You felt confused, before laughing.

“No, I mean. No offense Stan, good looking guy, sure anyone would suck your dick,” you patted his shoulder as his face turned red, “but I’m the new kid in town. I apparently scared the innocent boy named Butters when he and his family came over the other day and all these lovely people came over to see if he was lying. Jokes on them, he wasn’t. I’m kinda weird, just gonna say that now so you can bully me to my face, and not behind my back.”

The girl looked confused before smiling nervously.

“Dear, all of South Park is weird. You’re probably gonna fit in, and I doubt any of me or my girls will bully you. How come you didn’t tell me about the new kid? You’re practically smothering them, why not have girl time with us,” the black haired girl held out her hand.

“Wendy, we invited and ran into them first.”

“Yeah, but we got too them second, and second has always been the best since elementary school,” the blondie beside Wendy spoke up.

“Fine, we’ll just do some introductions now and some later. Tomorrow is the last day of break, so Token is having a party at his place. Everyone who is here right now is me, Wendy Testaburger, the blonde girl next to me is Bebe Stevens, the brunette is Heide Turner, and there’s plenty of later we’ll introduce you too once school starts. Or,” she dragged on. She slowly turned to look at Stan before he cursed silently to himself.

“Wendy, we got told we couldn’t come over due to what happened at last times party.”

“Well, maybe new kid can be your way in,” Bebe questioned.

“I have a name and it’s (y/n) thank you.” You interjected with a small raise of your hand, not exactly enjoying being called the new kid.

“Shit, you may be onto something,” Cartman declared while smacking one fist into his other open palm.

“What the hell are you talking about Fatass?” Kyle sighed, rubbing his forehead in irritation as if a headache was about to form.

“We take (y/n) over to Tokens place; use them as our slave to get in. Make it a bargain. We’ll give you someone to help you do work tomorrow if you let us come party at your place.”

“That seems a bit harsh to use (y/n) as a pawn in a skeem when they haven’t even been here for more than a week!”

“Actually,” you spoke, kicking at the floor, “I wouldn’t mind, it means I don’t have to touch my room and I’ll get to see new people.”

Everyone looked at you a bit surprised, Kyle almost looked at you with pleading eyes as if to say you shouldn’t even open your mouth and agreed to his stupid plan. Cartman shouted happily in joy and declared to the girls who had run into them that they’d all be at the party. You sent your mom a quick text, letting her know your plans for tomorrow. You explained to her in simple text format that you were going to help new friends set up a party, which wasn’t exactly a lie, or the total truth of your situation! So things should surely work out.

The girls parted on their way only after making sure you would take part in the party yourself, have some drinks and dance with them and meet more of their gal pals. Butters, wanting no part in the current plan, though promised to be at the party, departed on his way home with the excuse of last-minute winter break homework. The other four pulled you off and dragged you toward Kyles house and into his large car. You screeched as you went running, crying “GUN” before running, causing some of the boys to freeze and even drop to the floor. You smirked as you easily hopped into the shotgun seat and stick out your tongue.

“Shotgun that is,” you hummed. Stan, Kenny, and Cartman all glared at you while you just smiled happily like a little kid who had not done a single thing wrong. Kyle just chuckled to himself before hopping into the driver’s seat and starting up his car. Kenny and Stan decided to sit together in the back while allowing Cartman all the space in the middle by himself. After everyone was buckled in, Cartman got dangerously close as he leaned in glaring at the side of your face.

“Alright listen here, new kid---.”

“It’s (y/n), Cartman,”

“Yeah, whatever new kid--.” You groaned loudly before Cartman spoke up again.

“We get to Tokens lavish house, and you’re going to play the broken and depressed damsel, or knight, your choice.”

“Broken and depressed, got it, already got that down since I was born,” you joked.

The boys looked at you worried save for Cartman before you panicked.

“Kidding, I’M KIDDING!”

“No matter what bargain he gives us, you counter back with, you won’t do anything unless he lets US in tomorrow night. Got it, new kid?”

“(y/n),” you corrected.

“GOT IT?!” Cartman yelled at you, causing you to flinch and Kyle to swerve a bit on the road as he was driving.

“I fucking got it, jeez, you’re gonna make Kyle crash,” you cried. Cartman sat down with a smug smile on his face. You sighed softly rubbing your arm before trying to melt into the seat and disappear. You sat in silence for the rest of the ride, watching houses pass by in a colorful blur just outside of the window. The car was pretty clean saving for a wrapper from some fast food joint and some straw wrappers. You began to pick at your nails a bit while thinking before feeling the comforting vibration of the car stop beneath your body and you re-registered your eyes to notice the big, nicely gated house. Oh, so he was a rich boy. Maybe you could push some certain buttons if you needed too.

“Alright, we’re here, let's hope we don’t get banned and put on restraining orders,” Kyle grumbled. Undoing your seatbelt, you carefully popped open the door and hopped out, taking in the fancy black gate and watching where it connected to a cement fence that couldn’t be too easily climbed. You followed the boys up to an intercom system that must connect to the house. Kenny quietly pressed the doorbell button twice and everyone stood to wait for an answer.

“Hello, who is this?” Came the voice form the small speaker just beside the doorbell button.

“Heyyy, Token,” Stan spoke nervously after pushing down the talk button.

“You aren’t invited nor are you being let in tomorrow night! Not you Stan, and none of your other three friends,” Token barked loudly.

You quietly shoved Stan aside softly and pushed down on the button that was titled speak just below it and felt nervousness creep up on you.

“Um, h-hello?” Damn you, you stuttering devil!

“Who is this..? You don’t sound like any of the others if this is you guys pulling a voice prank I’ll get you arrested!”

“No! Oh, god no, none of them have the voices to even sound close to mine, I’m too flawless,” you joked nervously, “I’m (y/n), the new kid who just moved in. I don’t know these guys that well, but they seem like nice people, could you let them go to your party tomorrow?”

“Oh, you don’t know the half of our history. Besides, the last party they trashed my house, I was grounded for weeks,” Token scoffed. You glared slightly at the boys who all looked guilty but Cartman.

“Look, how about we break a deal between us. I’ll, I don’t know, run errands with or for you for your party and you let them come? I’ll pay for anything they break if you let them in too and I’ll take all the blame.”

There was silence on the other end for a long time. You felt dread crawl across your skin, had you just ruined their chances? You let go of the speak button and felt sorry for the boys, about to turn and apologize till you finally got a response.

“Fine, but anything they break tomorrow you pay what it cost and a tax my family deems appropriate, got it?”

The boys cheered happily, all of them focusing on the fact that they were allowed into the party tomorrow night before you felt dead on the inside. If they broke anything expensive tomorrow night? You were honestly going to kill all of them. You reached out to the button with a smile, forcing yourself to sound happy for your new friends.

“Deal, what time you want me over here tomorrow? Come over about two or three in the afternoon, the party is at seven. Oh, and it’s just you coming tomorrow, don’t bring any of those losers with you.”

“Fair,” you stated. The boys yelled in anger and disagreement before you glared at them and put a finger to your mouth, signaling them to shut up.

#south park #South park reader insert #readerinsert #fanfiction #Stan Marsh #Eric Cartman #Token Black #Kenny McCormick #kyle brovlofski #Wendy Testaburger #Bebe Stevens #Heidi Turner

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