I know accessibility helps everyone—today it helped me! Wearing glasses while looking through a microscope for hours strains my eyes and sometimes gives me a headache, but if I take them off I can't simultaneously look at the computer screen because it's too far away (9 inches is my maximum). There is a solution to this problem and it is 3x screen magnification! I may not be the "intended user" but I sure am a user and I am very glad this exists.

I Finally Played Resident Evil 4, You Monsters

Everyone has their pile of shame, those games that everyone expects you to have played but, for whatever reason, you haven’t. Other than computer game demos from Maximum PC or the occasional game at a friend’s house, I didn’t get to play video games, so I missed a lot of games, which means that for me, that pile of shame includes so many classics, like Final Fantasy VII and Super Mario Bros. 3 because I grew up without games. Until recently, it also included a little game called Resident Evil 4.

I know gaming article’s about one’s past aren’t that interesting; we all have a past, we all have a history with games, how we got to the game and why is often less interesting than the game itself. But… this time, it’s directly relevant.

One of the earliest debates about gaming I can recall being involved in was a debate about controls. Some friends argued that bad controls were designed intentionally and made the games better, because imprecise, awkward controls made games scarier. Other friends argued that if a game’s controls were what made it scary, then the game itself wasn’t that scary at all. Resident Evil games were frequently brought up in this discussion, and because they weren’t available at all on the only gaming platform I had the ability to play for years, I had no reason to try them.

It wasn’t that I intentionally tried to avoid them--I’m of the belief that you can learn something from every game, so I’ll play anything once--it was just that there were other games that appealed to me more, so when it came time to choose a game, the other game usually won out over Resident Evil games. Because I rarely jump into the middle of a series, I gave the original Resident Evil remake a try, but even with the shinier graphics, the controls just didn’t do it for me; I didn’t connect with the game at all.

It turns out that I’m one of the people who thinks bad controls prevent a game from being good. I grew up with PC games, which had much more intuitive control schemes than many console games. Those PC games were either designed for a mouse cursor, like Age of Empires and The Oregon Trail, or used a simple WASD key and mouselook aiming system, which is the ideal way to play shooters. Intuitive control schemes come almost naturally to the PC; once Quake and Marathon shipped with WASD, that was that. Everyone started using it.

Many of my console friends grew up with things like the bizarre, three-handled N64 controller, or the Playstation Controller, which didn’t have any joysticks. Heck, some of my friends even loved the weird Fisher Price-style monstrosity that is the Gamecube controller. In fact, they swear by it. Resident Evil 4 was designed for that controller.

But more on that later.

Having grown up on PC controls, I developed a specific taste in controls, which can be summarized like this: controls should be invisible.

That’s it.

In film, there’s this idea that editing should be invisible. Walter Murch, one of the world’s greatest film editors, argued that if you were paying attention to the edits, they weren’t doing their job. With the advent of non-linear editing software, it got a lot easier to edit movies, which meant that people started putting a lot more of them in their films because they could, which means you end up with disorienting scenes like this scene in Taken 3. What should be a simple shot or two of Liam Neeson jumping a fence becomes a disorienting mess.

Controls work the same way. They exist to take thought and turn it into action. When we walk, we don’t think about it; we just do it. Fine motor skills are a part of basic human biology; think ‘grab,’ and you grab. You don’t have to think about which neurons to fire, which muscles to pull, and so on; your hand simply grabs when you want it to. Video game controls work much the same way; if you have to think about how to move more than you might as a person, the experience often becomes a jumbled, frustrating mess.

(In the case of QWOP, that’s exactly the point.)

The human brain is great at filtering out unnecessary information, and it gets better as it ages. We don’t have to think about inhaling and exhaling or manually turn our eyeballs towards the source of a surprising sound; we just do it. Sometimes, our brains are too good at filtering out information; it’s why you might start idly looking for some milk in the refrigerator while thinking about bills, stare right at it, and miss it; your brain was filtering out the milk and focusing on the more prominent task.

Most video games exist to replicate some human behavior in a virtual environment. That experience might be extremely abstract, like The Oregon Trail, where players click a button to proceed and watch a little wagon trundle across the prairie, or it might be more simulation oriented, like Red Dead Redemption, where players have to steer horses by the reigns, getting them to slow down and speed up as necessary. Whatever the case may be, a game is always taking human behavior and simplifying it, boiling it down, to make sense on a controller. The closer a game gets to real-world actions, the less players want to have to think about it.

Intuitiveness becomes more relevant as fidelity increases.

Originally, I didn’t want to write an essay about Resident Evil 4 and the controls, because I’ve talked about it in conversations and on twitter and my Resident Evil 4 streams so much. Part of me wants to talk about how great the encounter variety and pacing are--and they are good--but Resident Evil 4 has been thoroughly surpassed in its encounter and enemy variety by games like Dead Space 2 and Gears of War 3, and neither one of those games are plagued by the frustrating quick time events, bizarrely-paced cutscenes, or nonsensical story of RE4. The boss fights in Resident Evil 4 are great, sure, but Binary Domain’s are the best, and I prefer some of Resident Evil 5’s boss fights in co-op to Resident Evil 4’s.

I keep coming back to RE4’s controls. Some friends have argued that Resident Evil 4 was designed to be played with its awkward control scheme, that it’s a great game because the control scheme was designed intentionally (name a game with unintentionally designed controls, please?), that they somehow ratchet up the tension because moving isn’t easy. The theory goes that all the tension of the game would be destroyed if the game were to have a more conventional control scheme.

I generally like to leave people to their opinions, but this time, I’m just gonna say it: these people are wrong. They are wrong in the strictest, most absolute sense of the word. They’re making excuses because they love the game and don’t want to admit that it could be even better than it is. But it could be. Oh boy, it could be. And I’m going to prove it.

Once upon a time, a company called Nintendo made video game consoles. Nintendo is great in a lot of ways, but they do one thing that I think is A Major Problem: they try to make every console ‘new’ in some way, usually in regards to control schemes.

I don’t think this makes for better games.

Nintendo’s whole deal is like, hey, they won’t make something unless they can do it in a new way; I think people who won’t do something unless they can do it Extremely Well make more interesting process. Nintendo is more about innovation for innovation’s sake. It’s one of the reasons we don’t have a new F-Zero; developers at Nintendo have said that they won’t make a new one unless they can revolutionize it. That approach is why the latest Starfox games have been terrible and we got Metroid: Other M.

Nintendo seems to think this is why they succeed, so, with every generation, they work on a new control interface and try to get people into their games, but, in all honesty, I don’t think this is why their games work. Take Super Mario Galaxy, for instance. There is nothing about that game that couldn’t be done with a traditional controller. You can play it on a gamepad in the Dolphin emulator if you want right now. Super Mario Galaxy is great because an extremely experienced team of developers made the game they’re the best at making; it’s not great because of the Wii’s controller.

Innovation for innovation’s sake is how you get pickle and telephone-flavored ice cream; it’s not great. It’s also how you wind up with things like the N64 controller, which also isn’t great.

“Okay, Doc, so what’s wrong with quirky controllers? Haven’t you seen the cool unique control games that show up at GDC every year?”

Well, the big thing is that quirky controllers tie games to hardware, and the problem with hardware is that it’s much more difficult to replicate than software. Once the hardware stops being manufactured, you lose the software. People can fix ancient games and make them work again on the PC, but a lot of stuff, like old light gun games, rely on technology that simply doesn’t exist anymore. It’s much harder to preserve those games.

At some point in the future, it’s going to be extremely hard to play old Nintendo DS games, because carts are failing and the dual-screen console only has X number of viable units made, and those units are going to decay over time. Emulators aren’t an ideal way to play DS games. Eventually, it’s going to be impossible to get a working DS and play a DS game, and so many wonderful games will be lost to time.

When you lock a game to hardware that isn’t standardized in some way, like your average 16-18 button controller, you run the risk of putting an expiration date on your game, which brings me to the GameCube.

Now, look, some people really like the GameCube controller. They do. I think they’re nuts, because most of the buttons are really mushy, especially the bumper, and that right stick is awful. The build quality on these things is terrible too; it took me forever to find a good, working GameCube controller because I kept finding busted ones.

The GameCube controller was great for the year of our lord 2002, when nobody but Bungie and Free Radical knew how to design 3D game control schemes for a controller (borrowing from the PC’s ‘left stick to move, right stick to aim’ with a hefty dose of auto-aim, natch!). If you go back and play a lot of old games, many of them, especially ones with free aim, don’t hold up. That’s why so many old console games had some form of z-targeting--nobody knew how to make it work, so they relied on a less interesting form of gameplay until people figured out how to make aiming work.

The standard control scheme sucks on a GameCube controller.

Like, it is the worst thing, mostly because that right stick isn’t great and the buttons are mushy as heck… which brings me to Resident Evil 4. Look, RE4’s fans are right when they say that the game was designed with its controls in mind, but they forget that those controls were designed with the GameCube controller in mind.

Resident Evil 4 was released on the GameCube in January 2005, came out on the PS2 in October 2005, was re-released on Windows in the spring of 2007, hit the Wii a few months later, hit Zeebo in like 2008, and finally hit ‘standard’ HD consoles in 2011. Resident Evil 4 is designed for the GameCube controller, or, put another way, it’s designed to take into account the limitations of the controller’s odd setup. One example of this is how the right stick goes mostly unused.

Like I said before, in a traditional game, the left stick moves you, and the right stick aims y ou. It’s one of those “this is so simple I’m surprised no one figured it out sooner” things, but I’m a PC gamer, and we’ve been doing this in games since…

A Mac game.

...wanna guess who developed the Mac game?

“Was it Bungie, the guys who developed the modern control scheme for shooters that makes Halo 1 feel so wonderfully ageless, even to this day?”

Yes.

Yes it was.

In 1994, Bungie created the first free-look game with marathon. Move with the keyboard, look with the mouse. Other games had some form of free-look, the earliest one probably being Ultima Underworld: The Stygian Abyss (by Looking Glass Studios, the most important developers of all time, back in 1992).

Anyways, this idea of keeping all movement on one input and all aiming on another input is something we take for granted now, but 11 years after Bungie figured it out, and 4 years after Bungie made it work on a console, Capcom wasn’t able to take advantage of it because the GameCube Controller is kind of Super Garbage.

In a modern game designed for an Xbox 360 or other standard layout controller, like Dead Space 2 or Gears of War 3, player movement is responsive; both games pretend to have bulky, slow characters through their animations, sounds, and particle systems (just try slamming Marcus into cover and watch how dust puffs off the wall in response), but the games both respond really quickly to player input. Think it and it happens.

More importantly, you can strafe.

This was a source of some confusion for my friends, so I want to be clear: strafing in video games is just sidestepping. In first person games, if you press the A or D keys, you step to the side. In third person games, some people take “strafing” to mean “sidestepping while aiming,” but in a first person game, you’re always aiming, so I don’t think that’s a requirement.

In Gears of War 3, if you push left on the stick, your character moves left. If you push right on the stick, he moves right. The camera itself stays looking the direction you were looking, and if you pull the left trigger to aim your gun, your aim will snap in that same direction. You aim with the right stick and you move with the left stick, handily dividing inputs in a way that makes perfect, intuitive sense for all players.

Modern third-person AAA shooters almost universally work this way, and it’s great, because it lets you focus on playing the game instead of managing the camera. This control scheme isn’t 1:1 human-perfect simulation, but it’s doing its best to feel like human movement even when it isn’t. We can turn much more quickly than a controller stick can turn our cameras, for instance.

But then there’s Resident Evil 4.

In Resident Evil 4, when you push the stick to the left, Leon doesn’t go anywhere, he just spins. The right stick moves the camera, but it snaps back to wherever Leon was facing. If you hold the right stick and then pull the trigger, Leon will snap aim in that direction, but you have to hold it down. And, again, no matter what, Leon won’t move from his spot unless you press forward or backward on the stick.

So, imagine that there is an enemy behind a pillar in front of you. He doesn’t know you’re there, so he hasn’t moved. In Gears of War 3, you simply hold left on the stick, move over a few inches, pull the left trigger to aim, and fire, getting a nice, juicy headshot.

In Resident Evil 4, you push the camera to the left, Leon turns to the left, making you lose sight of your target. Then you push the camera forward, then you turn Leon back, and you hope you moved far enough to be able to hit the guy. If you didn’t, you’re going to have to keep turning to the left, walking forward, and turning back to hit the guy. It’s a tedious process of micromanagement that never feels good to play.

Jerking the camera around decreases readability. Readability is everything in a video game. In 99% of all cases, a game can only get better the more readable it is. If you’re constantly needing to orient and reorient yourself for simple, small movements, you’re destroying readability, which means the game is suffering as a result. Clarity is always better. I’m sure someone will tell me about some little indie game that glitches words all over the screen in an unreadable mess or whatever, and that’s great if you’re trying to, say, show that a character has dyslexia or something, but you don’t want your entire game to be like that.

It’s interesting to me that a lot of RE4’s fans have developed a kind of Stockholm syndrome, arguing that Re4 makes positioning important because it prevents you from moving while aiming, but it’s abundantly clear that this isn’t why RE4 is designed this way. The fact is, if you could move while aiming while playing RE4, the camera would constantly be looking in directions you don’t want to look when you’re trying to fight, since the camera is tied to the left stick.

You stop moving to aim not because the game is better for doing so, but because the game would be literally unplayable--not in the meme joke sense, but in the strictest, most literal sense possible--if you didn’t. The decision to stop the player in order to keep the game’s readability cascades from the decision to put the camera on the stick, and I think the camera’s on the left stick because the right stick is the worst stick that has ever existed on any controller in the history of the world.

(...er, that I’ve tried. I’ve tried a lot of controllers and I’ve never used a worse stick than that one, which is why I don’t think many people use it in GameCube games)

If Resident Evil 4 had been developed first for, say, the Xbox One, where I’ve been playing Resident Evil 4 lately, I think that not only would the game play a lot better, but Capcom wouldn’t have locked players in place to aim.

It’s worth noting that Mikami didn’t stick with RE4’s controls; on The Evil Within, his next horror game, he used that traditional left-to-move, right-to-aim control scheme we’re all familiar with. If Resident Evil 4’s control scheme was so great, why would Mikami have shifted away from it?

(Some folks may argue that TEW is not as good, but this is entirely down to the game’s encounter design and pacing, which is a separate discussion from its control scheme)

Now, some folks will argue that locking yourself in place makes RE4 a better game. I don’t think it will, but I’m not going to argue that point. I suspect that if you let players strafe when not aiming, locked them into place when aiming, and kept the camera to the right stick only, everyone would like the game more, it would have broader appeal, and even me, a grumpy old curmudgeon, would love it too.

It doesn’t help that there’s a bug in the game where your camera can jerk really far to the left or right when you aim; this wouldn’t happen on a typical control scheme, because the bug is tied to the game’s current camera setup; in a different camera setup, it wouldn’t exist.

For proof that this works, check out Resident Evil 5, a game keeps the same kind of tension and horror as RE4, but utilizes a more modern control scheme. Or look at the upcoming Resident Evil 2 Remake, which lets you move while aiming, which lets Leon strafe like a normal person, and all that jazz, but looks way more tense than RE4.

Why might Resident Evil 2 be more tense than 4 while 5 is less tense? All four games are slow, methodical experiences, but 5 is framed as a big, wacky action co-op game. It predominantly takes place in a bright, outdoor environment with a happier sound design and goofy monsters. Resident Evil 4 takes place in a spooky castle or creepy village, largely at night.

Resident Evil 4’s controls never made it creepy; the game featured a giant robot statue that chased Leon through a corridor. Was that frightening because you had to pass quicktime events to successfully escape? No. Of course not. The fear of Leon being crushed is what made it scary.

Resident Evil 2 Remake’s controls look like they’ll be relatively invisible, but the game looks so much scarier than Resident Evil 4 because the context of the game is so much scarier. The demo for Resident Evil 2 Remake is set in the claustrophobic, impossibly dark corridors of a police station. In each situation, it’s the environment and the art that determines how scary a game is.

There are so many ways to make a game scary. Start with context: you’re trapped somewhere with something that wants to kill you. Then make it dark; humans are survival-oriented creatures who rely on knowledge to survive. Darkness limits our knowledge, and our lizard brains know to be fearful when we can’t see what’s out there watching us. If we know we’re being hunted but we don’t know where we’re being hunted from, we’re gonna start to get scared.

Once you’ve done that, give players a way to fight back; if all they can do is run, then they’ll stop worrying about how to fight it. Make sure the way to fight back comes with its own risks--guns are better than swords in a horror game. I was a lot happier playing RE4 when I realized how powerful the knife was than when I was dreading running low on ammo. Uncertainty is what makes horror work; if you know that you’re going to find the bullets you need, or that your attack won’t bring more enemies, or that you won’t miss your enemy, you won’t be scared. The more uncertainties you face, the scarier the game becomes.

Resident Evil 2 looks like it checks all these boxes. Controls never really factor into it; Resident Evil 4’s relative unreadability doesn’t make it a better game. Its greatness comes from that wonderful encounter variety. It comes from seeing a thing and going “ah, okay, I need another thing to pull this off.” Working out How To Complete An Encounter is what makes Resident Evil 4 fun. Having Mike fly in with a helicopter and destroy all the zombies is what makes Resident Evil 4 fun.

Unlocking Ashley’s giant suit of armor in Resident Evil 4 is hilarious and wonderful; this game is brilliant at things like that. Apparently, you can get certain rewards for completing encounters in specific ways, like clearing out the guard towers before Mike does. There’s a lot of cool stuff that you can unlock for playing the game or its side missions, and I really love that about Resident Evil 4.

When Capcom released Resident Evil 4 for the Wii, they put the game through a dramatic control rework so it could use the Wii’s unique motion controls. Some players consider this the definitive version of the game. As someone with chronic pain, motion controls really don’t work for me. But I do find myself wondering what would happen if Capcom reworked Resident Evil 4’s controls to be more like what RE2make’s appear to be. I suspect people would be surprised at how well it works.

Resident Evil 4’s brilliant level and encounter design makes it scary. Hearing the regenerators is scary. Running low on shotgun ammo or being flanked by guys you didn’t see because you were trying to save Ashley is scary. Turning the camera to the left and losing sight of the guy you want to shoot is not so scary.

I might write a second piece about the game, focusing on the specifics of its encounter design; I still prefer the actual pace and variety of Gears of War 3 and Dead Space 2, but there’s something unique that Resident Evil 4 does with its level structure that I haven’t quite figured out how to talk about.

Thank you to David and Dillon for making me finally get this game off my backlog. Next up, Metroid Prime.

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AR Rewind: My Inner Seven-Year-Old Hangs Out with the Paine Field Fire Department

The Paine Field Fire Department, ready for action!

AR Rewind: This story originally published in February 2016 and is being re-shared. Mostly because I think it is a cool story. Information had not been updated since the initial publication. Enjoy (or re-enjoy)!

I think many people have a child-like persona that lives inside them. I know I do. When I had the opportunity to hang out with the fine folks at the Paine Field Fire Department, my inner seven-year-old was not only excited, but very jealous of my mid-30s self.

Yes. I am very much having a good time. – Photo: AirlineReporter

I think my initial pitch was to do a story about how the Paine Field Fire Department operates at the airport — and it was very professional-like. When they told me they would love to host me for a story, I couldn’t help but ask if I could turn on the lights and sirens. They told me they could arrange for much more than that. I was down!

The Paine Field flight line – Photo: Bernie Leighton

PAINE FIELD FIRE DEPARTMENT: About the airport

Paine Field (KPAE) is located about 30 miles north of Seattle. Many think it belongs to Boeing, but it is actually owned by Snohomish County. Boeing still has a huge presence — this is where they build the 747, 767, 777, and most 787s.

The airport also has private aircraft and is home to facilities like the Future of Flight, Flying Heritage Collection, the Historic Flight Foundation, and more.

“Our mission is to contribute to the economic vitality and quality of life of the region,” Arif R. Ghouse, Paine Field Airport Director stated online. “We do this by providing high-quality aviation and industrial services, facilities, and interaction with our customers. Our customers are the airfield tenants and users, our neighbors, the people of Snohomish County, and the worldwide aviation community.”

It is estimated that the airport’s impact is around 76,000 jobs and an output of more than $30 billion annually. This sort of presence needs a strong and talented fire department — and they surely have that.

The 727 trainer next to the station

PAINE FIELD FIRE DEPARTMENT: Operations and collaborations

Once I arrived at the fire station, I had the chance to sit down with Fire Chief Jeff Bohnet. He was personable, professional, and excited to show me around.

Because Boeing has such major operations at the airport and almost are their own city, they also have their own fire department. It is the Paine Field Fire Department’s job to mostly handle activity on the airport’s property — their primary focus is what happens on the runway. Their department mostly deals “high risk, low frequency” calls.

They also work closely with Boeing’s department and even the surrounding towns of Everett and Mukilteo to provide additional back-up. They will do “hot drills” with surrounding departments to better learn how to work together for a potential disaster. Then every three years, a larger drill is conducted involving 50 “injured” passengers (actors).

BONUS: Day as a [Mock] Airline Accident Victim

PAINE FIELD FIRE DEPARTMENT: Closer look at the station

The station, which is 14,000 square feet in size, is a great source of pride for the firefighters. Quite a bit of effort was taken to let the employees have a say with the layout and functionality of the facility.

The station was built with a 50-year lifespan, and was a huge improvement to the old building that previously played the role. With multiple bedrooms, a full kitchen, and living room, the place is set for those on duty to be ready for an incident.

An Air Canada 787 out the window

My favorite room was the Captain’s office. It is the control central for the station, with a red phone (connected to the tower for emergency calls) and, of course, big windows overlooking the airport. My tour of the room had concluded and we were on our way out when I spotted an Air Canada 787 Dreamliner taxiing; I had to excuse myself to go back and take a few photos. It was quite the view for sure!

We continued the tour into the garage and started looking at the fire vehicles when a call came through the speakers. There was a hydraulic liquid spill reported on the other side of the airport. I stepped back and watched as two firefighters suited up and took off. It was pretty cool watching them do their thing and speed off, but I was a bit disappointed that we were left with a mostly empty garage.  That’s okay; Chief Bohnet suggested we head over to the maintenance facility until they returned.

One of the Paine Field Fire Department’s rigs being worked on

PAINE FIELD FIRE DEPARTMENT: The maintenance facility

We loaded up into the department’s fire-engine-red (duh) Ford Expedition and drove to the maintenance facility, a ways from the main station. Not only does the Paine Field Fire Department handle their own maintenance, but they also work on other vehicles.

When you look at a fire truck, you might just see red, but not realize the amount of pride and detail that can go into a design. I am one of those that always notice the little differences with liveries (airplanes or otherwise).

The passion became clear as Chief Bohnet talked about his inspiration, ideas, and how he worked with his team to come up with a consensus. From coloring, reflectors, smoked-out turn signals, to even making their emblem in gray-scale to match the design — it was impressive. I think they did a great job — one of the best I have seen — and should be proud!

Unfortunately, because of federal requirements due to funding, the Panthers (more on them soon) have to be painted the “airport” lime-green. Sure makes them easy to see on the field, but they just aren’t the same — call me an old timer, but a real fire engine is supposed to be red!

Our super sweet Expedition we drove around in

PAINE FIELD FIRE DEPARTMENT: Playing police

There is a Snohomish County Sheriff officer that patrols the airport, but KPAE’s Fire and Operations personnel also play a key role in keeping the airport secure – a team effort.

During my visit, we ended up having the opportunity to play police as well. While Chief Bohnet and I were driving back to the station, there was a report of a black truck driving in a restricted area of the airport.

He said he was on it and we headed out to try and find the guy. At first we didn’t see him, but as we exited the airport property and onto the outside road, we saw a truck that matched the description and went into pursuit. Well… kind of.

Lights and sirens — ready to go. It is actually quite hard to get a good photo of LED lights

No lights or sirens and traffic was going like 3 mph, but it still felt legit. We ended up losing the guy and really we didn’t have the authority to pull him over anyhow. We could just nicely ask him to pull over to chat. Yes, I still had the COPS theme song in my head.

When we returned to the station, we ended up seeing the black truck drive by. Chief Bohnet went into action, while I continued my tour (I had fire trucks to learn about). Turned out to be an honest mistake and the guy in the black truck learned a good lesson.

LET’S GO!

PAINE FIELD FIRE DEPARTMENT: OMG YES! Riding in the fire truck

Okay, okay… the other stuff was pretty darn cool, but then it was time to play with the Panther! This bad boy is a Rosenbauer Panther Airport Rescue Fire Fighter (or ARFF – which is ironic with its “cat” name). The department has two which were delivered during the second half of 2015.

The one I rode on sports 3000 gallons of water, about 400 gallons of foam, and a 460lb Halotron ball. The Halotron allows a fire to be put out in a plane, without destroying all the valuable (and important) electrical devices on board. Cool stuff.

Meow! The Panther is ready for action. – Photo: David Parker Brown | AirlineReporter

Then it was time. I got to saddle up in the Panther and it felt more like a space ship than fire truck. So many buttons, lights, switches, and two sweet looking joy sticks. I wanted to play with everything, but was afraid to touch anything. I behaved.

This is not your granddaddy’s fire truck. The Panther allows fire personal to quickly and safely handle a number of different situations. They don’t need to get out of the truck, hook up hoses, and manually fight a fire. They are able to do almost all operations sitting in the cab.

Watering the grass — like a boss!

After a short lesson, I was asked if I wanted to shoot some water out of the front hose. Oh heck yes! I grabbed the joystick, aimed the cannon, pulled the trigger, and water shot out from the lower cannon. I could very easily move it in almost any direction. I did a great job watering the grass — you are welcome, Paine Field!

Then we headed over the 727 trainer to see how the STINGER works. This is sort of a harpoon that will shoot into the cabin of the plane and spray water. It is quicker and safer than firefighters needing to go inside the cabin. Armed with night-vision and infrared cameras, it makes it easier to locate the fire inside the cabin and any possible survivors. It was impressive seeing how it could punch through the fuselage of the 727 and spray water directly into the cabin.

PAINE FIELD FIRE DEPARTMENT: Conclusion

What an awesome experience and what a great group of people. Yea, it was fun, I had a great time, but this is serious business. If an airliner was to divert to Paine Field due to an emergency, this crew needs to be ready to respond. They are prepared, but hopefully they do not have to put all their training into action too often.

View more of my Paine Field Fire Department photos on our Flickr account.

The post AR Rewind: My Inner Seven-Year-Old Hangs Out with the Paine Field Fire Department appeared first on AirlineReporter.

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Prototype Drive: 2019 BMW 3 Series Sedan

NÜRBURG, Germany – Our heroes are exhausted, hot exhausts crackling like tiny fireworks, dust-coated brakes emitting the aroma of hard use. Four pre-production examples of the next-generation 2019 BMW 3 Series, codenamed G20, are lined up in the M division’s Nürburgring workshop, ready for fuel, clean windshields, and adjustments to their tire pressures. Here and there beneath the track-marred camouflage vinyl, the body color shines through—its soft disguise no longer leaving much to the imagination.

Peter Langen, a BMW veteran in charge of suspension development, gives car No. 3 a friendly pat on the roof after its latest flogging. “The new 3 Series celebrates the evolution of driving pleasure,” Langen says. “After all, the new model is lighter and yet more rigid, more powerful as well as more efficient, puristic, and innovative. It is a notably more advanced piece of kit, but is still a BMW through and through.”

A half hour later I’m on my own in a BMW 330i prototype on the approach to the Nürburgring, free to play with every switch within reach of my fingertips. But I can’t lose sight of the rabbit in front of me—Jos van As, BMW’s chief engineer of driving dynamics, part-time racer, and one of the quickest men in the pool of BMW pros. Van As knows the ’Ring from experience. I know it primarily from the video games nicked from my sons. My heart’s beating out of my chest as we bypass the entrance to the grand prix circuit and dive in tandem toward Hatzenbach, attempting to build up grip and self-confidence early.

“Everything okay?” Van As asks over the radio. “Everything okay,” comes my response. What feels to me like the final qualifying lap for the next 24-hour race is probably is no more than an easy eight tenths to someone like van As. All I know is we’re going very fast, and the 2019 3 Series is fantastically stable even through spots where the Fast and Furious joystick jockeys would regularly end up in the ditch. The new 3 sedan sticks to the tarmac like the proof of origin labels on fresh fruit and puts the power down in a progressive, fuss-free manner. It refrains from exaggerated body motions, dives through dips with magnetic stoicism, and flies over crests like a fighter jet practicing touch-and-gos.

Its buttoned-down behavior is somewhat surprising given the new 3 Series lacks such high-tech ingredients as air suspension, active anti-roll bars, and rear-wheel steering. In fact, the base version comes with a passive suspension that trades sportiness for relaxation. The optional sport suspension is quite a bit tauter and commensurately more agitated over the rough stuff. If our play-day on the Nürburgring was anything to go by, your best bet is probably the Adaptive Drive dynamic suspension, which spreads its talents over a wider range than the current system. The familiar driving dynamics control switch invites you to choose between Comfort, Sport, Sport Plus, Individual, and Eco Pro.

On the long, full-throttle uphill section between Bergwerk and Klostertal, a little more grunt wouldn’t hurt. Despite an increase of power and torque to roughly 260 hp and 295 lb-ft for the 330i’s 2.0-liter turbo four—making it the most powerful BMW four cylinder ever—it still lacks the some of the force of BMW’s 3.0-liter six. On the plus side, the engine revs happily, tip-in is super-brisk and tip-out is nicely laid back. BMW says fuel economy for the 2019 3 Series will be marginally improved thanks in part an overall weight reduction of as much as 121 lb and in spite of the addition of an artery-blocking exhaust particulate filter. Acceleration to 60 should happen one or two tenths quicker than the outgoing 330i, though top speed is again restricted to 155 mph.

At Hohe Acht, a lap of the ’Ring enters its most challenging phase. From here on, every move must be spot-on: braking point, turn-in, line, gear, throttle. Some corners invite you to clip the apex, others for a wider radius. With the exception of occasional gravel traps, the runoff areas are strips of grass lined with triple-stacked Armco barriers. During lap two, the tires begin to feel the heat. They still hang on, but the grip is a little soapier now, more lock is required for the same effect, understeer becomes more prominent, and pushing the extra-wide rears past the DSC’s happy zone takes less and less effort. Still not enough drama? Summon the DSC sport handling mode and brace yourself for a family-sized helping of lift-off or power-on oversteer.

Unlike the 5 Series, the 3 Series still uses the trademark strut-type front suspension. A disadvantage? Not in this case. “Mechanically, this is a totally honest piece of kit,” says Langen. One particularly interesting feature is BMW’s new progressive damping system, which is making its debut on the 3 Series. BMW says it helps the car strike a more precise balance between sport feel and ride comfort in large part by deploying lift controlled as opposed to electronically controlled dampers. “Drive the car on public roads, and you will quickly get the gist of it,” says Langen. No sooner said than done. This time, van As straps himself into the passenger seat, puts on his sunglasses and gives me the thumbs up. The roads are narrow and winding, with poor sightlines and pocked surfaces. “A car that does well here does well everywhere,” says van As, grinning broadly.

As for how it looks under the camo, though the G20 3 Series is an evolutionary design, it’s a prettier car all round. The top edge of the kidney grille slants back onto the hood, the wider and slimmer headlights trade the trademark corona ring signature for LED hockey sticks, the more sculpted front bumper comes with three enlarged air intakes, and the sickle-shaped taillights are neatly integrated in the more muscular rear end. Since the 2019 3 Series will be available with just about every conceivable assistance system imaginable, there are plenty of dots, warts, and blobs giving away cameras and sensors.

The interior, on the other hand, has been redesigned from scratch. It’s hard to fall in love with the barely legible, over-styled instrumentation, but the three displays work quite well together. The center stack is more clearly structured, and the controls grouped around the shifter are easy to decipher. Those of you who love to zoom, scroll, and swipe, and who consider voice control the most failsafe man-machine interface will feel instantly at home in the new 3 Series—even if gesture control and semi-autonomous driving features are so far conspicuous by their absence.

After a brief coffee stop, we’re back on the road, having just switched from a six-speed manual equipped rear-drive model to a 330i xDrive with the eight-speed automatic. Thanks to its AWD setup the car runs on rails through the twisties, and the self-shifter feels quicker and more eager. Counterintuitively, working the paddles instead of the manual gear lever makes this variant a more involving drive. But after having tried three different gearbox and suspension configurations on two dramatically different terrains, we found it difficult to tell Sport apart from Sport Plus, to take into account the different tire formats, to properly assess Comfort versus Sport.

Van As exhibits a coolness that encourages me to inch the car closer and closer to the limit. Even when a change of tarmac triggers snap oversteer, when turn-in and front end grip are two or three tenths of a second apart, the Dutchman pairs pastoral calm with casual comments like, “Never lift. That’s it. Good man.” The man is fearless. Confidence grows from one corner to the next, trust follows suit, and together we explore new levels of lateral g-force and deceleration. Once more, it’s the steering that makes all the difference—especially in Sport, when the tactile blend of effort, weight, response, self-centering, and damping puts the road right into your hands. The suspension, too, works best in Sport because the extra firmness barely affects compliance, allowing the new 3 Series to remain quite supple and balanced. Having said that, the G20 is another BMW that doesn’t deal especially well with transverse ridges, sharp potholes, and deep longitudinal ruts. In terms of overall chassis-related systems integration, however, this could very well be the new king of B- and C-roads.

The final model I slip into is a 330i with the M Sport pack, an automatic transmission, and rear-wheel drive. Light-footed and feisty, this version is about 60 percent sedan and 40 percent sports car. Upon turn-in, the slightly stiffer steering meets a pleasantly subtle stabilizing counteraction, the initially wooden ride improves with speed, the dynamic weight distribution maintains a fine balance, and the chosen line rarely calls for corrections. The upgraded brakes included as part of the M Sport pack use four-piston front calipers, larger-diameter discs, and a fast-responding integrated booster with a more clearly defined trigger point. While pedal feel and response are nicely intuitive, the actual stopping power didn’t leave a lasting impression.

The deeper the route winds into the afternoon, the more mental notes gather in the back of my mind. Is the gap between Sport and Sport Plus big enough? Would Sport Plus not deserve harder and shorter upshifts? Why is there no switch to deactivate the irritatingly loud exhaust? Could the interaction between the diff lock and DSC be smoother and better-connected? Why is coasting only possible in Eco Pro and Comfort?

True, most of these issues are software-related and could be fixed before the car goes on sale early next year. And they’re trivialities compared to the big picture, which shows a new 3 Series that can be an easy-going cruiser or a beastly tarmac peeler that still seats five in no less comfort than its predecessor. Given what we’ve experienced thus far during a very challenging and enlightening day on and around the ’Ring, we can’t wait to get behind the wheel of what’s yet to come in the form of the M340i or, better still, the next M3.

IFTTT

The two things I think with every advance for people with disabilities

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The news came out last week that Xbox will debut a controller for gamers with disabilities. As is always the case when there's a new product or service out for people with disabilities, I thought: YEAH! Awesome! As is also typical, my next thought was not as happy.

Microsoft's Xbox Adaptive Controller, which will be released later this year at a price of $99.99, allows users to play in a way that works best for them. It can be mounted onto wheelchairs or tables, it can be played with one hand, or set on the floor so that gamers can use the two large black buttons with their feet. It will be compatible with external joysticks, pedals, switches and buttons. Basically, it does everything a standard controller can do. 

The company consulted with gamers with disabilities during the development process, along with nonprofits including the Cerebral Palsy Foundation, AbleGamers and SpecialEffect. The company built an Inlusive Tech Lab at its Redmond, Washington Lab for testing, according an article in Eurogamer.

Super, of course. But: What took them so long? The Xbox came out in November 2001—that's 16 years ago. Max has been able play games that involve waving his hands, like bowling and tennis. But he can't play any that involve manipulating a controller because it is beyond his capabilities. I'm not saying that years of lost opps for playing video games is a tragedy. As if! This boy does not need any more screen time in his life. But why shouldn't the Xbox be fully accessible to him, same as any teen? It's been my observation, over the years, that disability innovation at companies happens only if a person at a company is disabled or knows someone with disabilities, or a person with disabilities or a family member takes the initiative. I'm thinking of Tommy Hilfiger's line of adaptive clothing, designed by the awesome Mindy Scheier of Runway of Dreams; the mom of a child with muscular dystrophy, she collaborated with Tommy Hilfiger for his adaptive line. I'm also thinking of David Niemeijer, who created the first speech app Max ever used, the Proloquo2Go, for a friend who was paralyzed from the neck down in a car accident. And do you remember the story of the teen with cerebral palsy who wrote Nike, in 2012, asking for an sneaker with an adaptive closure because he had trouble tying his? Nike had had already been working on a model with a Velcro closure after their very first employee had experienced a stroke. The FlyEase came out in 2015; Max has a pair. While he can't yet put them on himself, the fact that they unzip in the heel makes it easy to slide his feet right in. Also: They look really cool. The inspiration for Microsoft's Adaptive Controller, according to DiverseAbility Magazine, came during the company's 2015 One-Week Hackathon for employees. I wonder where that person got the idea from. I don't think this sort of thing should be occur by happenstance; more companies should regularly be encouraging their development staff to think about creating for people with disabilities. They should have entire hackathons devoted to disability, not to mention, dedicated teams. Don't get me wrong, I am hardly ungrateful for advances that enable people with disabilities to enjoy all that life has to offer. It's just that as the mom of a teen with disabilities, it is frustrating to continuously face a lack of access, the kind not required by law. I mean, come on, Coke and Pepsi: how about a beverage bottle top that a person with fine-motor challenges could open and a bottle that's more grasp-able, too? Or a chocolate bar wrapper that opens super-easily for someone with stiff fingers, Nestlé? Or toys with bigger, easier-to-push buttons and dolls that are easier to dress for kids with disabilities, Mattel? Or adaptive pens, Bic? Or adaptive blazers, H&M? Or a tube of toothpaste my son could open and squeeze, Tom's? I could go on and on. To be sure, often there are ways to adjust a product so it works for a person with disabilities, as Max's therapists have shown me over the years—a ring pull put on his jacket zipper so he can yank it, putty or rubber tubing placed around a pencil so he can grasp it. Cottage industries have sprung up around enabling devices and gadgets. But how amazing would it be if more products were inclusive to start with so that Max and others like him would feel more part of this world instead of always having to fix—and fight for—things. Yes, adaptations cost money. Yes, people with disabilities deserve them. There are an estimated 40 million Americans with disabilities, or close to 13 percent of the population. It's been said that people with disabilities are America's largest minority, but the one who get the least amount of attention, consideration and protections. As the parent of a child with disabilities, I am hyper-aware of that. And this is why, each time an advance comes along for people with disabilities, I rejoice even as I feel bummed about how long it took to arrive, and how far we still have to go. Image: Microsoft Credits: Original Content Source

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Technology

Video gaming has served as a beacon of entertainment for multiple generations, and its popularity is showing no signs of slowing down. The industry’s growth has increased exponentially even in recent years, due largely to the increasing video gaming platforms accessible to gamers and the fact that gaming is no longer considered nerdy or geeky; it’s uber-cool. In fact, the video gaming industry is becoming so big that other entertainment industries such as film and music are in danger of being left trailing in its wake.

The explosion of the eSports industry, which helped video gaming become a bona fide profession, has had a significant influence in the proliferation of video gaming among young and old. According to Forbes.com, new data from Newzoo suggests eSports alone could become a billion-dollar revenue-driving industry in 2018, with revenues potentially reaching $1.65bn by 2021. Aside from eSports, there are a growing number of burgeoning video game platforms that have also helped to underpin video gaming as we know it in 2018. This article is designed to hark back to the origins of video gaming, plot the industry’s journey pre and post-Millennium and discuss some of the most recently classified video game platforms

How video gaming began

“Atari Super Pong” (CC BY 2.0) by zigazou76

Video gaming as we know it dates back to the 1970s. The world’s inaugural commercial video game was made for the arcades by a firm called Nutting Associates. The game was called Computer Space, but very few people remember the game as one year later another game took center stage in arcades and homes around the world. The brains behind the development of Computer Space, Nolan Bushnell, then formed Atari, which developed Pong. This tennis-style game became the world’s first successful commercial video game, thanks in no small part to its simplicity and intuitive nature that allowed humans to try and outsmart the computer. It was in 1975 when Atari released a home version of Pong, becoming a phenomenal success and laying the foundations for the future concept of home video games for decades to come.

The widespread availability of consoles at home

After the success of the Atari’s home version in 1975, the Fairchild Channel F was available for sale just one year later. This was the world’s first removable gaming console, but it was again usurped by the 1977 Atari Video Computer System, which utilized removable cartridges with games pre-loaded onto the cartridges, allowing console owners to play multiple games using the same hardware. By the mid-1980s, the quality of home video gaming had plateaued somewhat. The rise of arcades and the excitement of being able to venture into a room or building with purpose-built arcade machines to play on meant that interest in home-based video game consoles dipped. That was, of course, until the release of the Japanese-developed Nintendo Entertainment System (NES) that would change the course of the console-based gaming industry forever.

The success of the NES with its controller pad-style gaming, rather than the use of a traditional joystick, captured the imagination of gamers around the world. The controller pad helped players feel more immersed in their video game environment and allowed the likes of Nintendo to develop like-for-like reproductions of the most successful arcade video games for household consoles. New platform games such as Super Mario Bros. and the Legend of Zelda were designed exclusively for home-based consoles, as they were too in-depth for commercial arcade machines. They helped pave the way for other video game developers such as Sega and Sony to challenge Nintendo and help develop new features to home-based consoles, from the internet connectivity of the Sega Dreamcast and the multiplayer functionality of the Super Nintendo to the wireless gaming controllers of Nintendo GameCube.

Browser-based gaming

Desktop PC gaming has been challenging dedicated games consoles such as the PlayStation and Xbox for many years. The flexibility and versatility of desktop PCs has helped PC gamers to create high-specification gaming environments comparable or even better than those of games consoles. The ability to improve PC graphics by adding new graphics cards, RAM and many other accessories make the cost of PC gaming that much cheaper once gamers have the technology to do so. The widespread proliferation of the internet and subsequent web browsers has also led to the creation of a browser-based gaming scene – with developers creating games to be played within browsers like Internet Explorer and Mozilla Firefox; some of which need plugins like JavaScript and Adobe Flash to operate. Browser-based games are generally free-to-play offerings, although some do have payable versions available for those wishing to play with more in-game options, scenarios or accessories.

YOU MAY LIKE: 5 Vintage Unblocked Games You Can Play Today

There was a time when any browser-based game needed JavaScript or Flash to be powered. However, the increasing multi-platform nature of gaming, e.g., consoles, desktops, laptops, smartphones and tablet devices has meant that developers have needed a solution to create a more consistent user experience. HTML5 technology has helped pave the way to delivering a more dynamic, contemporary browser-based gaming experience. Game loading times are quicker; games can feature state-of-the-art, high-definition visuals and audio and, most importantly, they look and play the same regardless of what device you use to play them.

Growth of mobile gaming

Mobile gaming has become an increasingly influential video gaming platform, as smartphone and tablet devices become ever more sophisticated due to the latest iOS and Android operating systems. Although mobile gaming shares similar concepts with browser-based gaming, mobile games utilize other technologies to take the immersion and engagement to a whole new level, e.g., GPS data and mobile camera devices to foster augmented reality gaming environments. A recent news story from sky.com revealed that mobile gaming now accounts for two-fifths (40%) of the video gaming marketplace. Furthermore, by the turn of the next decade, it is expected to generate more than 50% of the entire video gaming industry’s revenues.

In 2017, mobile games were the most downloaded type of mobile app in both the Apple App Store and the Google Play store. Rovio, the Finnish masterminds behind the first global mobile gaming sensation, Angry Birds, recorded 3.7 billion downloads across its entire range of mobile games last year. The worldwide sensation of Pokemon Go also helped take mobile gaming to the next level by incorporating the augmented reality technology that we’ve previously touched upon. Pokemon fanatics could utilize the GPS overlays on their maps to pinpoint available Pokemon to catch and then use their smartphone cameras to spot and add them to their collection. Even in the last decade, mobile gaming has come on leaps and bounds. Historically, from a development point of view, it was restrictive and tough to create engaging gaming experience. However, the approach to augmented and virtual technologies has changed players’ expectations, which we’ll touch upon shortly.

Blockchain and cryptocurrency gaming

Late last year, an exciting new video gaming platform emerged. Blockchain technologies began to enable gamers to own virtual game assets. The best example is the Axiom Zen-developed game called CryptoKitties, based on the blockchain, allowing players to buy, sell, collect and breed a wide variety of virtual cats. The game operates on Ethereum’s blockchain network, with each CryptoKitty nominated with a unique non-fungible token (NFT) that’s value can rise or fall based on the market demands. This unique NFTs mean that each CryptoKitty is individual and cannot be copied. The owner of each CryptoKitty must give their permission for them to be transferred via the transparent yet secure blockchain. Such was the popularity of CryptoKitties that it has decelerated the amount of Ethereum trades and transactions capable of being made on the platform. Aside from the blockchain technology itself, the cryptocurrencies that blockchain underpins are also increasingly involved in video gaming. For instance, there are bitcoin iGaming sites such as bitcasino.io that offer state-of-the-art video slots and classic casino tables games to be played exclusively using bitcoin and other digital currencies.

Virtual reality gaming

Source: Shutterstock

Virtual reality (VR) is giving rise to the next generation of gaming arcades, allowing gaming enthusiasts to experience the immersive three-dimensional virtual environments without having to purchase a VR headset for themselves. The VR gaming industry is expected to expand into a $2.3 billion industry by 2020 and the increasing VR headsets available on the shelves such as Oculus Rift, HTC Vive, and Samsung Gear offer 360-degree virtual gaming environments that cleverly detect a player’s in-game movements and calibrate these within the virtual world, making gamers feel a physical part of a three-dimensional space. There has never been a better time for innovation and experimentation in the world of VR video gaming. Games such as Superhot VR and Skyrim VR are proving extremely successful, with the former utilizing traditional first-person-shooter movements and controls to create action movie-style gameplay.

How big can video gaming become? With so many video game variants out there today, it’s hard to see a ceiling to the industry’s potential at present. Particularly with the convergence of VR and gaming, you can pretty much assume that most children and teens will have VR headsets on their Christmas lists to Santa Claus at the end of the year.

The post What is Classed as a Video Game in 2018? appeared first on GadgTecs.

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The NFL Isn't Swinging Back to Superstar RBs Anytime Soon

Welcome to the NFL Underground Mailbag. Ask Chris your question about the NFL, general sports, or cultural minutiae at [email protected]. Follow him @HarrisFootball.

Sam P.: Do you think offenses like the Cowboys—where one workhorse running back is featured—are remnants of the past, or will the NFL eventually swing back to workhorses?

Everything goes in cycles. First we aren't wearing shower caps as part of our outfits, then we are, then we aren't again. What makes strategic NFL sense in 2017 will look like the Wildcat in 2027, by which time our robot overlords will control flesh-and-blood quarterbacks via joysticks and rectal implants.

Right now it's hard for you to imagine a pro-football-viewing public that doesn't prefer the five-wide, spread-out offenses of today, but that's only because you don't realize that we're just a couple years away from letting defenders carry homemade implements to snip the Achilles' tendons of opposing receivers. That oncoming trend will simultaneously slow down passing games and indulge in our collective bloodlust. Win-win.

Just gotta break through. Photo by Kim Klement-USA TODAY Sports

For as long as the NFL remains incredibly pass-happy, though, NFL teams aren't incentivized to build around a single expensive running back. Better to employ a team of interchangeable parts, none of whom carry the full burden of surviving 20-plus car crashes per week.

Frankly, you don't need to be excellent to play running back in the league right now. There are great rushers, but perhaps only…five of them? If that? Most teams have a bunch of meh in their backfields and shuffle them around both to keep them healthy and to lessen the impact when one of them decides he's worth a mint.

As recently as 2012, five running backs eclipsed 300 carries in a single season; six RBs have done so over the four combined seasons since. Ten years ago we used to talk about the Curse of 400! Zeke Elliott was excellent as a rookie—and the only rusher to top 300 totes last year—but he has two possible career paths: one where he's a bell-cow for a few years, gets hurt and/or expensive, and flames out early, and one where the Cowboys prolong his career while also giving sportsball morons an excuse to gripe about the old days.

I guess I do believe that everything old is new again, and eventually NFL offenses will realize they can kill dime defenses with great power rushing like Dallas did last year. When that happens, RBs will be superstars once more—but we're not there yet, and we're probably not close. Wake me when the Achilles' snipping starts.

Taylor C.: I'm curious about John Ross with the Bengals. Do you see him having a similar effect as Tyreek Hill did with the Chiefs last year, or is their only similarity that they can each outrun a train?

On my podcast, one of the most annoyingly incoherent things I regularly say—among many!—is "We can't legislate usage." Especially when it comes to one of the NFL's daffiest franchises, it's impossible to definitively state how John Ross's rookie season will go. A.J. Green gets fed first in Cincinnati, but I just got through talking about how insanely pass-happy the NFL is. Even if Green stays healthy and tops 180 targets, there'll be 400 more available for everyone else.

John Ross with the Bengals. Photo by Sam Greene/Cincinnati Enquirer via USA TODAY NETWORK

Ross is probably faster and quicker than Hill. His one year of collegiate dominance featured dozens of highlights showing off ridiculous acceleration and change-of-direction that remind me of Antonio Brown. What's interesting about the Hill/Ross comparison is that each guy had a tough time finding a position: Hill was a too-small running back who gradually shifted to a utility role, while Ross was a corner in his freshman year. As such, neither guy is a finished product, but each is a total game-wrecker with the ball.

The questions about Hill are whether he can become polished enough getting off the line as an outside receiver to become an Odell Beckham–type superstar, and whether the conservative Chiefs will give him the chance; in '16, 27 of his 83 targets were thrown behind the line, making him the screen-heaviest WR in the NFL by percentage.

I have more faith that the Bengals will give Ross more clear-out duties, and that he'll make big plays down the field (whereas last year Hill had only 11 targets that traveled 20 or more air yards). Of course, I can't know whether the Bengals will bomb it to Ross as a rookie any more than the Chiefs did for Hill last year, because—say it with me now—we can't legislate usage.

Mike M.: What's the best concert you've ever been to?

In researching my big music novel, War On Sound, I saw hundreds of shows and talked to dozens of bands. Many of the stories I experienced myself or heard about wound up in the book. Who am I kidding: most of them did. I'm not that creative.

I wish these stories made me look cool (Milla Jovovich once stepped on my foot at a Toad The Wet Sprocket show—hi, I'm old!), but that's not my lot in life.

My standard response to this question has always been: Cracker. This was the mid 90s in Austin, at the long-gone Liberty Lunch. Counting Crows opened, and nobody had ever heard of them, and we thought they were pretty good. (As it turned out, we were probably wrong.) Then Cracker came on.

They rocked, but as the show wore on, it became obvious they couldn't hear themselves very well. David Lowery launched into "Eurotrash Girl," a deep cut hidden on their "Kerosene Hat" record that made me feel cool for knowing it. But the band stopped partway through, and Lowery shouted into the microphone, "These monitors are for shit!" Then he picked up one of the monitors (speakers that face the musicians so they can hear what they're playing or singing) and passed it into the crowd, where we surfed it out over our heads into the middle of the club.

The Liberty Lunch bouncers were not amused. They tore into the audience, shoving kids aside, punching one dude who was unlucky enough to be holding the monitor over his head, and wrenching away the speaker. Someone reinstalled it back on the stage, and Cracker somehow wasn't kicked out of the club, and resumed their set.

It was great. They said thank you. They did an encore. They said thank you. They did another encore. The Liberty Lunch lights came up, everybody yelled and turned away from the stage, the crew relaxed as we beat our retreat…and then the band came out again. Lowery said, "We never finished this song," and proceeded to play "Eurotrash Girl" from the beginning, an eight-minute number, as one final fuck-you to the L.L.

Being a drunk idiot who fancied himself an anti-establishmentarian, but who was actually a wet-behind-the-ears school newspaper editor, I shouted along gleefully and went home happy. And with some of my hearing intact!

Tore B.: How well do you think you'd do as a real-life NFL GM?

I'm sure I'd suck.

My NFL analysis often amounts to: stop retrofitting reasons for things. Usually good players play well and bad players play poorly, and good teams play well and bad teams play poorly, and usually the reasons those things happen don't involve where the game was played or who had extra motivation or which players can't stand each other or any other of the million clichés with which sports fans are bombarded because the media is basically a bunch of lazy assholes who don't think you can tell when they're picking stuff out of their asses.

Don't get me wrong. The interpersonal stuff does matter. It matters bigly! My point is just that we never get the real truth. As fans, we're privy to lies and political answers and little else.

A leader of men. Photo by Brian Spurlock-USA TODAY Sports

The hardest thing to do is to get the members of any complex organization to pull in the same direction, let alone a complex organization filled with violent alpha males with the collective IQ of a loaf of raisin bread. You have to do stuff like bury footballs and chop off your punter's foot in the name of motivation.

It takes a one-in-a-million leader to be able to spout that garbage or just flat-out scare players into fucking up less than their opponents. I think I have a pretty decent handle on the talent evaluation side of the NFL, but managing to keep 53 knuckleheads out of prison is almost certainly beyond me.

Michael R.: How in the world are the NBA playoffs more popular than the NHL playoffs? Has the world suffered a collective massive head wound?

The NBA playoffs blow. They are terrible. Super-teams often make for exciting finals but everything before those finals are a joke. Nice of the Rockets to show up Thursday night, huh? Nice of the Bulls to look like they gave a crap, too. Home teams on the verge of elimination are now 0-10 this year. The average margin of victory in those ten games is 16.2 points. Overall, 17 games have been decided by at least 20 points. Warriors–Cavs III has been foreordained since last June, and the media have been trying to distract us with MVP talk for months.

By contrast, the NHL playoffs are awesome. The games are close. Road teams sometimes win. Underdogs sometimes win. For a fan of the two teams, a hockey Game 7 is the closest humankind has yet come to collectively shitting out its own heart. If you like the NBA playoffs more than the NHL playoffs, you're (a) a hopeless idiot; (b) Charles Barkley; or (c) both.

Tom M.: You planning on coming back to Austin in 2017?

It's already over 90 degrees there, with three months of 100-plus looming. Cracker better be doing a fantastic version of "Eurotrash Girl."

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