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timeisacephalopod · 6 years

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Dramatics

I got bored so I figured what the fuck, why not another of the Peter Q/Stephen/ Tony YouTube AU shorts.

When Peter reads the topic this week he laughs and Tony grins because yeah, he figured Peter would enjoy that. And this week they have special guest Wong to back up all their crazy ‘Stephen Did A Really Dramatic Thing’ stories. Stephen glares at him because he doesn’t have a facial expression in between pleased and pissed and that has led to a whole lot of audience questions that are mostly ‘how do you know when he’s actually mad’ and the answer is that Stephen is screaming. Usually not literally, but he’s got a penchant for complaining that Peter and Tony have discovered is a trait they both found secretly appealing. Tony because he can use Stephen’s inability to keep his opinions to himself as a way to drive off reporters and Peter because he thinks its funny to set Stephen on people like some kind of personal pit bull.

In his defense it actually is pretty hilarious to watch this happen.

“Well, what’s the topic?” he asks and Tony hands the slip of paper to Wong, who reads it and lets out a loud snort. They don’t say anything to Stephen because all three of them know that if they say anything Stephen will deny all dramatics, but if they keep him dangling he’ll do something dramatic. Then he can’t deny his tendency to put on one hell of a show one hundred percent of the time.

“This is going to be fun,” Wong says, grinning.

Stephen squints at him, “how the hell is anything supposed to be fun when I don’t know what we’re doing?” he asks and they all start laughing.

“Exhibit A in Stephen Is Dramatic,” Peter says. “Obviously none of us can have fun if you don’t know what we’re doing.”

Stephen sticks his nose in the air, “its not my fault its true. And I am not dramatic,” he says like he didn’t just decide that it’s impossible for Tony, Wong, and Peter to have fun without him.

“Yes you are Stephen, face it. You’re more dramatic than Tony and that’s difficult to do when the man has literally coordinated pyrotechnics to his entrances,” Wong points out.

“In my defense,” Tony says, “that was Stark Expo and it was an important event.” Also he’s always wanted to walk into pyrotechnics and that seemed like a good way to fulfill his childhood dreams. Wong doesn’t seem to think this serves as a useable defense if the look on his face is any indication. Well, its not Tony’s fault Wong is no fun.

Peter snorts, “its funny that I write movies because living with the two of you is basically like living one.”

Stephen takes much more offense to this than he does. “I am not like living in a movie, I am a doctor and to most people that’s boring,” he says.

“A doctor that does a lot of international conferences, has revolutionized the way people do surgery, and has made significant headway in research in various fields related to spinal surgery. That’s not really boring,” Tony points out. “Its me, but with people instead of technology.”

“Right down to the flashy personality, ridiculous cars, and arrogant attitude,” Wong agrees but Peter wrinkles his nose.

“Tony is fake arrogant, Stephen is arrogant arrogant,” he says.

Wong presses his hand to his heart, “that’s so beautiful and eloquent, I can see how you managed to get several writing jobs,” he says sarcastically. Peter flips him off but Wong remains unaffected.

“I am not arrogant arrogant,” Stephen says, “but I agree that Tony is mostly good at faking it. Give him a sad child and a kitten though and he’ll show his true colors.”

Honest to fucking god Wong pulls an actual ass cat out of the bag sitting at his feet and hands it to Tony, who takes the furry little bugger immediately. “Why aren’t we doing a video on Wong’s dramatics,” Stephen says, frowning at him.

“Because I never insisted anyone call my cape a cloak,” Wong says.

“Or decided to get my colleagues to quiz me on seventies music while doing surgery just to prove how smart and able to multitask I am,” Peter says.

“Or convinced a guy’s girlfriend to dump him just so he’ll stop driving up the price of the rare car you want and can’t even drive,” Tony adds, petting the cat’s head.

Stephen squints at him, “I know how to drive,” he says.

Tony snorts, “yeah, if you consider stomping on the gas petal and riding your breaks like you do my ass driving. Your cars are screaming at you Stephen, I know this because I’m the one servicing them. Please stop killing your break pads,” he says. And he has to go fast everywhere. Like sure, Tony loves speed, always has, but Stephen lives on it and has a bad habit of being a distracted driver.

“I’m not worse than Peter,” Stephen says and Tony lets out a laugh.

“Honey, that’s like me saying I’m not a bad surgeon because I’m more competent than a fucking gibbon. Peter drives like he fucks- absolutely crazy, entirely selfish, not really aware of what he’s doing, but somehow ends up at his destination in one piece with everyone else there with him even if you have no clue how you got there,” he says.

Wong bursts out laughing, doubling over. “That is probably the best description of sex I have ever heard,” he wheezes out while Stephen joins him in laughing. Peter looks offended though.

“Am I really that bad at sex?” he asks and Tony shrugs.

“As a sex style I don’t understand how its working for me but it does. As a driving style, I’d rather trust Jesus to take the wheel and I don’t even believe he exists.” That is, he’s sure, probably because of the bad luck he’s had with cars he isn’t driving but that’s not the point. A goddamn goat probably has more skill than Peter behind the wheel.

“He’s right,” Stephen wheezes, “that’s exactly how you drive and fuck. That’s so funny.”

“Okay you know what, this video should have been about dramatic Tony is,” Peter says.

“I don’t necessarily agree, but technically we’re supposed to be talking about Stephen’s dramatics,” Wong says, preforming wrangling duties like he belongs in these videos. Clearly he keeps up with them if he knows to play into the existing structure and running joke. Funny, because Stephen doesn’t think Wong watches them at all and he’s sure Wong lets him believe that for whatever reason. The man is a more subtle dramatic most of the time, but dramatic nonetheless.

“Right, yeah, lets talk not talk about my totally normal not bad sex habits,” Peter says. “Stephen once decided to learn magic and insisted everyone call him ‘Sorcerer Supreme’.”

Tony snorts and starts laughing because he forgot about that. Stephen’s magic phase was short lived, but he did manage to learn quite a lot so now its a useful party trick he uses to steal drunk people’s keys at parties. Tony thinks that’s for the best even if Stephen’s ability with sleight of hand is much better than simple key stealing tricks.

“I was good, I deserved credit,” Stephen says, nose in the air.

“You were good sure, but that good? Eh,” Tony says, shrugging.

Stephen gives him an annoyed look before he sits up and Tony swears to a god he doesn’t even believe in that Stephen pulls a fucking bowl of goldfish out of nowhere. “Those aren’t real fish,” he says, handing the cat off to Wong before reaching for the bowl. Stephen lets him take it until he sticks his hand in there and lets out a loud yelp as Stephen pulls the bowl back.

“You don’t grab fish, Tony!” he yells as Peter does the same thing Tony does and reacts the same way as Stephen pulls the bowl away from him too. “I just told Tony not to grab the fish!” Stephen tells him. “What is wrong with the pair of you?”

Wong hands the cat back to Tony and pulls the bowl from Stephen’s hands and looks into it. “Yeah, those are definitely real fish. Where were you hiding four fish, a bowl, and all the water? I know you didn’t have all that on you when you sat down,” he says.

Stephen sticks his nose in the air, “I am the Sorcerer Supreme,” he says in a haughty tone.

Peter stares at Stephen like he’s preformed a miracle but Tony knows there has to be some kind of explanation. But who the hell keeps a bunch of fish, a tank, the water, and the rocks at the bottom of the bowl on them at all times? And how did he assemble all that in less than seconds when Tony knows there was no fish bowl hiding under his clothing. He’s wearing normal clothes, there’s nowhere for him to hide the bowl. But he had to manage somehow.

“This is why we’re making an entire video about your dramatics,” Wong points out, preforming wrangling duties again.

“You know what,” Stephen says, “I resent that I’m the dramatic one when Peter has cost people literal millions of dollars all in an effort to fund his self insert characters that are really his way of trying to avoid actual therapy for his daddy issues. And then he cast his boyfriend as his fake father- I feel that this is more dramatic than the fish,” he says matter-of-factly.

Tony and Peter let out twin noises of disgust because they’d only just gotten past that. “Can’t you shut the fuck up about that?” Tony asks, wrinkling his nose at Stephen.

“No, because its true. And mini Peter is fake child Peter that you mentored into manhood. How do you feel about mentoring your boyfriend’s self insert into manhood?” he asks, smiling because he damn well knows he’s just ensured that Peter and Tony won’t be able to look each other in the eye for the next month or better. Shooting the damn movie was bad enough even if Peter is actually a pretty good director though it helps that he knows Tony well.

“This is why the video is centered on your dramatics, Stephen. Its not like the other two weaponize your parental relationships they way you do just because you like being the center of attention,” Wong says, going back to wrangling. Dude is good, Tony might keep him.

Peter frowns, “okay but how does this get him more attention?” he asks and Wong looks at him like he’s stupid.

“With you two alienated from each other you both pay attention to him more. He’s terrible really, he could have just asked for more attention like a normal person but instead he went through this convoluted plan to trap you both in your own web of daddy issues. Dramatic,” he points out.

Peter and Tony look at Stephen, who shrinks into his seat as his cheeks turn a little red. “Wong is lying,” he says with zero conviction.

Christine snorts, “he claimed he wasn’t dramatic? He should listen to the way he describes the other doctors at the hospital then. He once said that Glen was so old the Grim Reaper was reaching out and clutching his heart for safekeeping,” she says. “Then went on to point out he’s ‘lucky that he works in a hospital otherwise he would have surely turned to dust by now,’” she adds and they all know that last bit was Stephen’s phrasing. Christine isn’t that dramatic nor does she have a flair for flowery language like Stephen.

“That’s nothing- it turns out he’s been sabotaging mine and Tony’s relationship just to get more attention. He could have just asked,” Peter points out but no, Stephen can’t be a normal human.

“Oh yeah, he does that. Don’t let him get away with it, he’s like a kid. Give him an inch and he’ll take every mile he can squeeze out of you,” Christine says. “A good way to get him out of that habit is to do the opposite of what he wants. And he’s a fast learner.”

Tony and Peter exchange a look, knowing that they’re both keeping that in mind for later. Damn Stephen. “So,” Tony says, “did Wong give you a cat too? Because he’s given us three and Stephen hates them all as much as they love him.” Its like he’s catnip and he hates it. Tony doesn’t mind though, he’ll stand near Stephen and when he doesn’t pet them they go to him and he loves all the cats. Peter mostly doesn’t care about them until he trips on them in the kitchen.

Christine sighs, “yes, I have two. Where is he getting all these cats and why is he pawning them off on us? I had to go buy a cat tree yesterday so they’ll be entertained when I’m not home,” she says.

“Wong’s cat that he previously thought was a fat neutered male cat turned out to be a very pregnant female cat so he has some spare cats,” Stephen explains as he enters the room. The cats mill around his feet as he tries, and fails, to escape them. “Please rid me of these damn fang-y beasts,” he adds as he beelines to Tony.

Tony decides to put Christine’s words into practice and he calls the cats over but ignores Stephen. He watches as Stephen looks over to Peter, but he’s trying to get the attention of the third cat that’s just out of Tony’s reach. Then he looks at Christine, who decides to pick up one of the cats at Tony’s feet. “How come Wong gave you guys the cuter ones?” she asks. “One of mine looks like it has butt hole eyes and there’s nothing wrong with it, I took it to the vet to make sure,” she says.

Peter lets out a sharp laugh that scares off the kitten at his feet, “oh my god, come back kitty I didn’t mean to scare you!” Peter says, offering the cat a bad apology before he tries to call it back.

“I don’t know, maybe Wong decided you like the ugly ones. You had that pug in college,” he points out. And fuck was that thing ever a product of its entirely fucked up genetics. It looked in two different directions, the tongue hanging out of its mouth was nearly poking it in the eye, and Tony swears that one of its legs were shorter than the rest. That thing was a caution of science gone wrong but Stephen reports that Christine loved that ugly ass mutt.

“You leave Maribelle alone, she was a proper lady,” Christine tells him.

Peter and Tony are watching Rocket’s rough cut of Peter’s latest way of working out his daddy issues and Tony has to admit its good. A ton of shit still needs to be cut out, but its good. Mini Peter gives a great performance and Tony knows he’s acting, but it looks so natural that it doesn’t seem like he is. “You did an amazing job,” Peter says, wrapping an arm around his waist.

He smiles, “thank your directions, I don’t know how to act,” he says.

“That’s not true, you act all the time. Peter, cut that entire scene that’s basically just Tony laughing at Mini Peter’s jokes, its useless to the plot even if its cute. And that weird three minute scene where Tony is just standing there. Who’s bad style choice was that? I like the fishing scene but it should go too, its just Tony screaming at fish that I notice he does not try to grab,” Stephen says, giving him a look. Okay it was one time and forgive him for thinking it was nuts that Stephen had actual goddamn fish in a bowl he pulled out of literally nowhere. He’s gone through that video frame by frame and he still can’t figure out how he did it. The bowl wasn’t there and then it was. Like actual magic but Tony refuses to believe that.

They ignore Stephen still, deciding to steep him in his own stupid manipulation tactics for a little while longer while he stands there looking like a tit on a log. “Okay fine, I’m sorry I messed with your relationship please pay attention to me,” he says finally. Tony and Peter must be thinking along the same line because they both snort and start laughing before Tony extends his arm to Stephen, not looking away from the screen.

Stephen happily plods over, throwing himself on the couch beside them before laying down with his head in Tony’s lap. Peter shifts so his arm is on Stephen’s shoulder and Tony pets his hair. “That’s what you get for being an ass,” Tony tells him. “Also I think the way this turned out is not very much like Peter’s usual dad self inserts. I think Rocket heard us crying,” he says.

Peter shakes his head. “Nah, he just knows how to find the best takes and sticks them together to make a somewhat cohesive storyline,” Peter says. “So I guess the best scenes deviated from my original script. Also Stephen that’s all good advice, I was thinking the same thing but honestly at this point I’m too involved to know what’s good and what’s bad.”

That, and Tony knows Rocket probably realized that right away that the cutesy scenes didn’t work but kept them in for Peter to come to the same conclusion. They’d been relevant in the script, but not so much once it’d been shot. Turns out he and Mini Peter have enough on screen chemistry to believably build a relationship without all the bonding scenes they had in there before. Well, there were only like four but still.

They sit and watch the rough cut for another good twenty minutes before Stephen speaks again. “Are you even acting?” he asks Tony. “Because this doesn’t look like you’re acting at all.”

“I am, yeah. Peter gave me good directions,” he says but Peter snorts.

“Good directing gets you a lot, but it doesn’t replace talent. You were an actor in another life,” he says.

“Technically he’s an actor in this one too,” Stephen points out. “But he should have made a career out of it. You’re better than most current actors. Certainly better than Nicolas Cage,” he says.

Tony sighs, “remember what I said about the gibbon? This is another gibbon.”

Peter snorts and starts laughing. “I’m keeping that.”

#IronStarQuill #tony x stephen x peter Q #alternate universe #YouTube AU #fanfiction #writing #just so yall know i have 8K of this self indulgent shit written out lmao #but i love them so much ok

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timeisacephalopod · 6 years

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Rewards Points

Remember that YouTube AU I wrote with Peter Q/ Stephen/ Tony? Well I liked it so I’m writing more of it. So this is more of that (also if you want to find the first you can locate it under YouTube AU and also IronStarQuill).

Tony considers the empty spot beside him and Peter is doing the same. “Have we ever done a video without Stephen?” he asks eventually.

He shakes his head, “pretty sure we haven’t. How do we start this?”

“Why are we even confused? He never starts these things, most of our videos are us talking,” Peter points out.

Its true for the most part but Stephen always has something to say and now Tony is confused without his presence. “Maybe we should wait until he’s back,” he says,

Peter considers it, he can see Peter consider it, but he eventually shakes his head. “Nah, he’d be pissed we didn’t stick to the schedule. You know how he is.” Shit does he ever, Stephen is a damn stickler for being on time and schedule. It works for Peter, who’s usually under a time crunch on set, but Tony has never liked being on time or on schedule. He makes his own times and schedules and everyone else works around him.

“How is it possible that none of our schedules have ever conflicted with these videos before?” he asks. That simply isn’t possible- Peter’s jobs might be always up in the air, but Stephen and Tony travel consistently for their jobs. Especially him.

“We do dark weeks when none of us are going to be around,” Peter says. “Which usually means only one of us is around. Its just weird luck that two of us are here and Stephen is off doing doctor things. I think, I didn’t really ask,” Peter says.

“He’s giving a talk on spines or something like that, I have a hard time keeping up,” he admits.

Peter looks instantly relieved. “Jesus, I thought I was the only one. I mean you’re a genius and all that and Stephen can go on for hours if you let him.”

That’s an understatement but yeah, Tony has a hard time keeping up with language he doesn’t understand. He spends a lot of time looking up the terms Stephen uses on the fly but none of it seems to stick in his mind. Biology is not the kind of science he finds interesting unless it involves technology somehow. “Yeah, I don’t really care about spine things. I mean I care that Stephen cares but I don’t really know anything about it,” he says.

They sit awkwardly for a long moment before Peter speaks up. “What was this video supposed to be about?” he asks, defaulting to wrangling duties, Tony supposes.

“You pissing off studios because you thought it was funny,” he says. It’s a topic Stephen wouldn’t have much to contribute to anyways, hence them choosing it over other topics of interest. Like people’s weird need to know about Stephen and Peter’s early feud that Tony didn’t know existed but apparently got pretty vicious until they decided maybe they weren’t each other’s enemy. Tony doesn’t know if his total lack of knowledge of this means Peter and Stephen were subtle or if he’s completely dense but he’s leaning towards dense. Neither Stephen nor Peter know anything of subtlety.

“Right, yes,” Peter says. “So anyone who watches these things probably keeps up with me or Tony so you’ve probably already seen that trailer that nearly got me fired from my own fucking movie- like literally I wrote it, I’m directing it, and I’m one of the producers too, how the hell were they going to fire me? Okay I mean it can happen but given the response the trailer got I didn’t get fired,” Peter says.

Tony shakes his head because none of Peter’s fretting made any sense when his job was on the potential chopping block. “What the hell was the problem anyways? You soft of freaked out about maybe being fired but you didn’t actually say why.”

Peter sighs, “alright- so some background. No one wanted to do a movie about a gay guy who’s gayness was kind of irrelevant to the actual story for one- guess people don’t understand that being gay isn’t usually the only important thing about a person. So that was a strike against me. Then the problem was that no one big enough was attached to it so I asked Tony to do me a favor considering he had a lot in common with the character anyways so that saved my ass for five minutes. Then it turned out the kid that was cast as his son is trans, not like I knew that because I don’t make a habit of telling people to whip it out in auditions, so that was a thing,” he says, making a face.

“Whatever. So when people stopped yelling about that they basically told me I was supposed to sell the story based on Tony’s fanbase but I didn’t want to do that so instead of making the reveal in the trailer that Tony is in it, I had the guys who cut the trailer stick him in less than thirty seconds into it and let the damn story sell itself. So that caused a whole new round of problems but people’s response to it was basically ‘wow, he didn’t use Tony Stark as his selling point, the story looks good!’ And that’s how I managed to keep my job,” he says.

“Not to be like... ungrateful or anything, but my fanbase is either a bunch of lovely human beings or the kind of guys who watch Fight Club and want to start a fight club. There’s no in between, and the guys who’d want to start a fight club would be pissed about the gay thing because dating two guys still doesn’t make me gay. I mean they’re kind of right, I’m bisexual but still, I’m not straight.” God knows he hates the half of his fanbase that thinks the time he spent drinking too much and acting like a complete jackass was a good way to live life but he can’t exactly do much about it now. Sure, he’s expressed plenty of distaste towards people who are like that, but no one seems content to listen.

Peter snorts, “oh my god, sidenote- one time Stephen and I looked you up. Can’t remember why but this was back before we stopped hating each other so we were probably looking for some kind of evidence that you loved one of us more than the other. Anyway, so we came across this entire blog that was dedicated to talking about how you ruined yourself by being too ‘PC’, and that dating Stephen and I was for ‘PC’ points. You know what, looking back on it I think that’s the first time Stephen and I bonded because we both thought it was hilarious that a real human being would genuinely think that you’d date someone just to be politically correct,” he says.

Tony lets out a long, drawn out sigh because this is the kind of shit he hates. “Yeah, obviously I date people to be politically correct. Bonus points because Stephen isn’t white,” he says sarcastically.

“I think Stephen’s personality strips all those bonus points. I love him but he’s a total dickhead. I think I should earn more bonus points,” Peter says.

“None of you are earning any points, I’m not a points reward card, you can’t redeem your points at my non-existent cash register. If I were to award points though Stephen gets points for being a freakishly good kisser and you get points for being better at cuddling than Stephen,” he says. Stephen isn’t meant to cuddle, he gets home and if you touch him he literally growls until he’s slept for a few hours. Then he expects attention until he gets sick of it. Sort of like a cat.

Peter nods, “I’m not even mad about it, Stephen is a freakishly good kisser. I mean usually kissing is more a means to an end for me but Stephen makes it a whole show. Honestly I feel like a fucking golden retriever next to that,” he says, shaking his head.

Yeah, Peter has a lot less skill but so does Tony so its not like he can judge. “Ok. Stephen is a good kisser, that’s established. Back to you almost getting fired,” he says, preforming the necessary wrangling duties.

“Right! So yeah, anyways I also got into an argument about the kid, what’s his name?” he asks Tony.

“Peter,” he says. Kid is smart too, Tony likes him.

“Yeah, Peter. Eventually I got annoyed enough that I told them we keep the kid or I walk, which means you walk, which also takes your portion of the funding and they can have fun unkilling a dead project they all like now because you got involved. Needless to say I won,” Peter says.

Tony raises an eyebrow, “you did all that for some random unknown actor?” he asks, surprised.

Peter shrugs, “no one knew who I was either at one point. Then my fuckface dad almost ruined it for me when people did finally start to pay attention. Anyways, point is you and the kid have chemistry, I’m not recasting because I didn’t ask what junk looked like during auditions. That’s weird, invasive, and also technically discriminatory. Seriously though, the screen tests will not be the same with anyone else. If I didn’t know better I’d think he was your actual kid, you two work amazingly together and you actually produce good improv. Improv is hard,” he says but Tony doesn’t really know. He’s improvised near everything in his life so he’s gotten good at it. And the kid has talent and he’s fun to work with, Tony likes his memes.

“Pretty sure it wouldn’t actually matter, I’m good with him because I like kids, not because I like him specifically. I mean in two years he’ll be bitter and sad because the world is shit and seems intent on crushing people to death but you know. He’s fun now, while he still has hope and child-like wonder and all that.” Tony hopes he’ll be able to keep that bright light of wonder and happiness but he knows that’s probably never going to happen. Kid is different and the world has always punished anyone who doesn’t fit the status quo.

“Whatever, I don’t care if you like kids, I’m not replacing the kid I got for stupid reasons,” he says. “He’s fucking adorable and you two get along well, it’ll look good on camera. Less work as a director for me that way.”

Tony snorts because yeah, there’s the real reason Peter fought to keep mini Peter around- less work for him.

“Has it occurred to you that you forgot the name of an actor that has the same name as you?” Tony asks.

Peter shrugs, “I’m the best Peter so I don’t remember any of the others,” he says and Tony starts laughing.

Stephen ends up being called in to work before he even gets home, which Tony wonders about because jet leg is a bitch, but when he does finally venture home he sleeps for a stupid amount of time before wandering into the kitchen. He recognizes his own voice- ugh- and Peter’s and frowns until he finally clues in to Stephen watching the video he and Peter did without him. It got a surprisingly high hit count and a huge amount of positivity neither of them had been expecting. They hadn’t even realized why Peter’s name was suddenly trending on Twitter until they looked through the reactions.

Seems people were pleased that Peter stood up for younger trans Peter even though none of them seemed to have clued into the fact that Peter only did it to save himself directing trouble later.

“Peter gets too much credit as an ally, he only kept mini Peter because he didn’t want to try and coach chemistry out of another random teen that’s genetically dissimilar to you,” Stephen mumbles, trudging towards the coffee. His eyes are glued to it like its going to save him from jet leg and being extra tired after a shift at the hospital.

“Oh my god, genetics do weird things sometimes and Peter looks like his movie mother, Stephen, so shut up!” Peter yells from the living room.

“His features are still genetically unlikely, you should have recast,” Stephen yells back.

“No, I don’t want to find another kid who looks that good with Tony on camera. Mini Peter is good, I don’t give a shit about genetics!” Peter yells to him.

Stephen mumbles something under his breath as he pours his coffee. “Next people are going to accuse him of dating us for PC points,” he mutters.

“That’s already happened. Also how come no one accuses you of doing that?” he asks.

“Because minorities don’t usually scramble for PC points, we’re born with them. Don’t look at me like that, I think its stupid too. Also I think Peter’s bad self insert movie about the father he wished he had with a kid that could pass as his is sad and depressing, but also creepy because he cast his boyfriend as his metaphorical dad,” Stephen mumbles. He takes a drink of his coffee just as Peter enters the room.

He obviously hears the last bit of that because he goes from looking ready to fight Stephen on genetics to disgusted in ten seconds flat. “Oh my god, how dare- I did not, Tony isn’t- He is not my father!” Peter says, horrified.

Tony shakes his head, “no, no I am not and Stephen you need to stop that. I’m not playing the role of Peter’s dad.”

“Are so. You’re officially his daddy,” Stephen says, grinning as Peter and Tony both start gagging.

“I have too many daddy issues for this shit,” Tony mumbles, gagging again. “Please tell me this isn’t actually a story about the father you wished you had,” he says to Peter.

Peter is still gagging to his left, looking so disgusted he’s about to cry. “It is, but Stephen had to fucking make it weird, I didn’t even make that connection until he made it for me.”

Tony shakes his head. “No, absolutely not, I’m leaving you both and going back to Pepper and getting no PC points for it,” he says, wrinkling his entire face is disgust.

“Well, she’s a woman running a very successful company- technically your company- so I think you get a half a PC point for that,” Stephen tells him, smiling pleasantly like he’s happy that he’s permanently ruined Tony’s relationship with Peter.

“You did this on purpose!” Peter accuses. “You know how many daddy issues Tony and I have and you totally weaponized it!”

Stephen continues drinking his coffee. “I’d like to point out that I’m clearly the superior partner because I’ve never made you my father. Though, to be fair you look nothing like him even if you’re the same height,” he says.

“Fuck you, Stephen,” Peter tells him. “I thought you got over the jealousy thing.” He pouts, giving Tony puppy eyes but he can’t look Peter in the eye right now. Or maybe ever again.

“Sure I am, but I like making you squirm and also I do find it very strange that you cast Tony as your pseudo father. Just saying, I think maybe you have more issues than you think,” Stephen tells Peter.

Peter sits down on the ground before flopping over and curling into a ball. “I hate you and my life,” he mumbles.

“Stop whining, at least you aren’t my dad!” Tony tells him.

“You aren’t my dad either, you just had a lot in common with the character!” Peter says. “Stephen only made it weird because he sucks.”

“I only pointed out the obvious,” Stephen corrects.

Tony lets out a long groan because this is going to be a painful process. Peter seems to feel the same way but Stephen, the asshole, looks utterly pleased with himself.

“Also,” Stephen adds, “next time I would actually like if you waited for me to return to do a video.”

Peter and Tony flip him off but Stephen looks utterly unrepentant.

#IronStarQuill #tony x stephen x peter Q #alternate universe #YouTube AU #fanfiction #writing #idk bois i liked this so much I decided to do more of it

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timeisacephalopod · 6 years

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Q&A

This is a lil YouTube AU in which Peter Q, Tony, and Stephen have a YouTube channel where they discuss various things but mostly their relationship and careers. For reference Peter is a filmmaker and Tony and Stephen have their canon professions. And, as always when I write him, Stephen is Nepali. Also this bitch gets LONG so sorry D:

Peter grins, “Q&A, this should be fun. How many of those reference threesomes?” he asks Tony, who snorts. Stephen makes an annoyed noise too and Tony happens to know that’s his least favorite question. They get asked frequently too.

“A lot. I had JARVIS gather the questions that got repeated the most and that was in the top three of the most asked,” he says.

Stephen rolls his eyes, “let me guess, ‘don’t you get jealous?’ and ‘what do you tell your family/friends/ or potential children?’ are the other two.”

Tony nods, “predictably, yes. The good news is that we’ll answer your frankly quite invasive questions regarding our sex life and a couple off the wall questions I think are fun,” he says.

Stephen and Peter exchange a look of what can only be described as pain and honestly that’s just rude. He’d obviously pick the good questions. “Okay,” Tony says, “lets just hop in with the threesome question.”

He looks at Peter to answer but of course its Stephen who decides to jump in. “I don’t understand this question- aside from it being highly invasive I work 100 hour work weeks. Do you think I have the energy to come home and figure out the logistics of a threesome? No. The number of hands and holes on one body are more than enough for me,” Stephen says curtly. Peter and Tony exchange a look before they start cackling. “Stop laughing, this question is absurd,” Stephen tells them, giving the two of them a disapproving glare.

“You know what, I don’t really mind threesomes but never had any with either of you. Which is weird but guess now I know why- Stephen thinks threesomes involve too many holes,” Peter says, doubling over as he cackles some more.

Stephen looks irritated. “There are six hands in a threesome considering none of us are missing appendages, where do you put them all? That’s too many hands, we’re not a spider.” Tony leans over, laughing along with Peter while Stephen sighs and waits for them to get their shit together.

“I’m actually with Stephen, too much effort,” Tony says. “Figuring out one person is difficult enough so figuring out two people and also how they work with each other? Too much logistical work.” Peter frowns at him so he suspects he’s overthought that but Stephen looks vindicated so maybe he hasn’t.

“Is anyone going to point out that spiders have eight legs?” Peter asks.

Stephen rolls his eyes, “you know what I meant,” he tells Peter.

“Okay, question two- jealousy. Duh, we’re human, it happens. Its just that I don’t see why my jealousy should hold someone else back. That’s my problem, not theirs,” Tony says. Unless someone has acted in a way they’ve decided was off limits than why should his jealousy be someone else’s problem? And if someone has stepped out of bounds than have a damn conversation about it. Actually that’s terrible advice from him, he avoids conversations like the plague, but still.

Stephen makes a brief noise of annoyance. “Well, I’ve never been good at sharing, it took getting used to but eventually the desire to rip Peter’s head off disappeared. I suspect this correlates strongly with my realization that you’re not a complete waste to society,” he tells Peter.

Peter makes an offended face, “hey, how come I was the one you didn’t like?” he asks. “Tony had alcoholism!”

“Addiction isn’t a set of annoying personality traits, its a mental illness. And he got over that eventually. You, however, were probably the most irritating human I’ve ever come across but you grew on me. Like mold,” Stephen says primly. “And I actually do like your movies- I appreciate the medical accuracy.”

Peter snorts, “only because I’d never hear the end of it if it wasn’t accurate. I can’t believe you didn’t like me,” he says in a sulky tone.

“In my defense,” Stephen says, “Tony is the best at what he does, I am the best at what I do, and I don’t even count making films as a profession. You fiddle with cameras, that’s not difficult. But I’ve learned to appreciate your little art projects.” He waves a hand around, completely ignoring how offended Peter is, except its genuine this time.

“You do know he has a more competitive profession than I do, right? I mean its easy for me to be the best at what I do when I’m just like that but Peter actually has to work for it and he can do everything right but still fail. I have the luxury of not having to deal with the consequences even when I do fail,” he points out. He has money to burn and if Peter screws one thing up he could be toast permanently. “Also his schedule is way more grueling than either of ours if he’s on set.”

Sometimes he is, sometimes he isn’t, but if he’s writing that’s still a lot of work. If he’s directing his alarms go off so early Tony has literally thrown his alarm clocks against walls to shut them up. If he’s sleeping he’s damn well going to sleep. And if Stephen is up he’s damn intent on making sure they’re all up.

Stephen lets out a huff, “sure,” he says, nose in the air.

“You are rude today,” Peter mumbles at him. “Also I don’t give a fuck about jealousy. I mean yeah sometimes I feel it but you know, whatever,” he says.

Stephen squints at him, “that’s not at all true, half the reason I disliked you when we first met was because you constantly felt the need to rub your relationship with Tony in my face and I couldn’t say anything about it, you made sure no cameras were around when you did it so I had no proof,” Stephen says.

As usual Tony doesn’t know anything about this. “What the shit, Peter?” he asks and Peter shrugs.

“I just wanted it to be known that I’m important,” he says, arms crossed over his chest and nose in the air.

“No wonder Stephen is a dick about your movies, you earned that,” he tells him. “You probably should have told me anyways, Peter isn’t any good at detecting blind spots in my systems fifty mile rap sheet be damned,” he adds to Stephen.

“Well now its too late, I’ve already watched all his stupid musicals,” Stephen says, irritated with this.

Peter frowns, “you’ve watched my musicals?” he asks. “You hate musicals, you once told me they sound like an orchestra of particularly loud yowling cats.”

Stephen sighs, “I assumed you liked them for a reason so I watched some. I would say the reason is that you’re a tone deaf idiot who doesn’t understand story if it weren’t for the fact that I’ve seen your movies and its clear you understand story. So I guess you’re just tone deaf,” he says begrudgingly, like his backhanded compliment has been been pulled from his brain against his will.

Peter looks touched, “that’s the sweetest thing you’ve ever said to me.”

Tony snorts, “Jesus Christ that’s sad. Stephen, grow emotions. So kids. I don’t know, have a fucking normal conversation with them? I mean they wouldn’t even know any different until they started meeting other kids with only two parents,” he points out.

“I hate kids,” Stephen says simply.

“I want kids,” Tony says, shocked that they’ve never mentioned this before.

“And I don’t give a shit either way, but if you can’t explain ‘three people can love each other’ to your shitty kid that’s a big bucket of not my problem. Just three perfectly valid but different opinions,” Peter says in a sad attempt to break up the sudden awkwardness. “We’re just going to ignore that forever now, what’s the next question Tony?” he asks when that doesn’t work.

Tony considers pressing his point but decides to do that off camera. “Hmm. Guess we’ll go with the one about Peter’s criminal record. People seem to be confused about it since we mention it so much but we’ve never like... discussed your origins,” he says.

Peter grins, “well it started with that time I got kidnapped by aliens-” Stephen stands, interrupting Peter.

“I’m sorry, I’m finished with this relationship. I can’t be with someone who believes in that bunk,” he says and Tony grabs his hand.

“Sit your ass down, that’s the plot of Guardians of the Galaxy, not his fucking life,” he says.

Thankfully Stephen sits. “Right, I forgot about that. Then that annoying blue bastard and the child sing about Peter’s daddy issues,” he says and Peter frowns, looking surprised.

“You’ve watched Guardians of the Galaxy?” he asks.

“Yes I watched your irritating self-insert musical space opera that you obviously wrote in an attempt to work out your family drama. My favorite part was when you blew your father up,” Stephen says.

“To be fair,” Peter says, “fuck that guy. I can’t believe you watched that.”

Stephen shrugs, “I heard you blew up Ego so I was rather eager to watch. I hated it but that part almost made it worth it.”

“I had no idea you hated my dad so much. I mean I get it, but like... not like you have a personal stake in all the shit he did,” Peter points out.

Stephen frowns, “did I not tell you I was the one who looked into your mother’s rather suspicious death? I wasn’t sure I’d find anything but after watching that sanctimonious prick nearly ruin your career I was rather intent on making sure he damn well suffered. I found a little more than I bargained for but I did ensure he’d rot in prison for the rest of his life for what he did to you and you know, everyone else but I don’t care about them,” Stephen says.

Peter blinks, shocked by this and Tony forgot they hadn’t mentioned it. He’d helped, Stephen hardly has the tech knowledge to get some of the records he needed, but it had been his plan all along. Turns out Stephen has a deep vengeful streak that Tony has decided would make him a rather formidable enemy. “Oh,” Peter says softly. “Thanks. And seriously, I can’t stress enough- fuck Ego, what a god damn asshole.”

Tony sighs and decides to perform wrangling duties. Its basically a meme by now, someone making sure they get back on track. “Anyways, Peter’s origins- he got kidnapped as a kid by a group of thieves because, and this is an actual quote, ‘he was good for thievin’.”

“That’s a line in Guardians,” Stephen says correctly.

“It fit in there and also yeah its true. Taser Face is a real guy also,” Peter says. “Anyways yeah, I funded my trip to film school off the profits of robbing the shit out of rich people. Got busted a lot, but didn’t get busted even more so. And I only went to jail once and that’s where I met Rocket- my editor, dude is a genius. And yeah, I included that in Guardians too because its fucking cool, ok.”

Stephen looks like he’s in pain so Tony decides to move on. “Okay, someone asks if we’ll go back to monogamy,” he says.

“Fuck monogamy,” Peter says instantly.

“If I give up my relationships with the two of you its because I’m dead,” Stephen says and Peter laughs.

“I love how dramatic you are. Its your best quality,” he says, enthused.

Tony shrugs, “I never really cared for it. I’m most fond of the open relationship structure but Stephen is actually really awful with jealousy and I’m not totally convinced he would resist turning into a serial killer if we tried that. Seriously, you have some jealousy issues,” he tells Stephen.

“I wouldn’t murder anyone, I’m a doctor!” he says like that somehow makes him incapable of murder. “Psychological warfare is not off the table though,” he adds, sounding much more like his regular self.

Peter squints, “get therapy, dude.”

Tony snorts, “like any of us would do that even though we all need it. Seriously though Stephen, you really need to work on the jealousy thing- we still love you even if we aren’t dedicating out every waking moment to you. You’re just dramatic and needy. Speaking of- I’ll skip the seven paragraphs that basically amount to an ode to how much this person hates Stephen and just ask as the question- he’s an asshole, so why are we with him?”

Peter shrugs, “sure he’s a stone cold bitch but I love him,” he says.

Tony raises an eyebrow, “that’s apt. Seriously though, despite his flaws- of which there are many- he’s actually pretty loving. He just hides it under insults and arrogance a little.”

“A lot,” Peter corrects. “But then he does stuff like get revenge on your shithole father and not even take proper credit for it so I mean what’s a guy got to complain about?”

Stephen frowns, “was that really asked so much that it was wrangled by JARVIS?” he asks.

Tony nods, “its the fourth most asked question,” he confirms.

“Over the monogamy one?” he asks and Tony nods. “Good god, am I really that bad?”

“You’ve spent the majority of this video personally insulting me so yeah,” Peter points out. Stephen, to his credit, looks properly horrified by this.

“Okay, since I know this question will transition nicely with Stephen’s current feelings- this person asks for something we’ve never told anyone,” Tony says. Not surprising that that one had been popular considering Tony and Peter are pop culture celebrities and Stephen is impressive in his own right so he kept it in.

Stephen sighs, intuiting that he’s supposed to go first here. “I keep up with your work,” he tells Peter. “Obsessively. I almost know about things happening in your career before you do, its why I’m never surprised when you tell us you’ve got a new project. And I don’t really look down on filmmaking as a career even if I think that its stupid and meaningless, I mostly just don’t like expressing positive feelings towards people I care about because it gives them the power to hurt me later,” he says.

Peter raises an eyebrow, “wow. So you’re a dick because you love me, that’s not sweet at all- hey, why aren’t you a dick to Tony then?” he asks.

“Firstly there was that time he told me Dummy was the single stupidest creation on this earth and also there was the time he told me JARVIS could be a Black Mirror episode,” Tony says. “Also he consistently is an ass to Christine even though he talks about how great she is whenever she isn’t around,” he adds. “Its his flawed version of how he shows love.”

“Also Tony consistently sees through the facade and you don’t. I know its a stupid thing to do and it ultimately pushes people away and then I end up where I didn’t want to be,” Stephen says. “But here I am, insulting your Mary Sues in literally every project you’ve ever made- do you know how not to write yourself in?” he asks.

“No and its my style, I like it,” Peter tells him, nose in the air.

Tony gives Stephen a look, knowing his actual opinion on this and he sighs. “It works surprisingly well with your formats and even if half your characters are you you still give them compelling character arcs,” Stephen mumbles.

Peter looks enthused and Tony goes back to wrangling. “Okay, back on track. Something I’ve never told anyone- I lost my virginity at twenty two,” he says. Peter and Stephen look shocked and he’s sure everyone else will too. “Yeah. I dated someone I shouldn’t have- older woman and I use woman intentionally- she was a fucking creep considering I was a teen. Anyways Sunset claimed she slept with me, then someone else did too when it got Sunset attention, and then suddenly I fucked half the school and you know how easy it is to get a reputation and how hard it is to lose it. So I just went with it and then I became this like legendary guy for sleeping around when I’ve only actually been with like ten people and the first person I slept with was Rhodey.”

Stephen and Peter stare in shock. “You’ve only slept with ten people? I... you... prefer an open relationship structure,” Stephen says and Tony shrugs.

“I like dates and you two are busy a lot,” he says in way of an explanation.

“You... slept with Rhodey?” Peter asks.

Tony nods. “I know I got a lot of flack for it but whenever people used to ask if I remembered them or whatever and I’d flippantly say no its because I never slept with them. Turns out dismissing them like that only makes people think you’re callus enough to have forgotten their names though.”

“Shit,” Peter says, “I was going to tell people that that part where the kid from Guardians tells everyone Flash Gordon is his dad was lifted directly from my childhood and that my only friend for seventeen years of my life was a rat I found outside that probably wasn’t even the same rat but damn that’s so much better. Ten people and two of them are me and Stephen and a third is Rhodey?” He shakes his head, obviously shocked.

“Fourth is Pepper,” Tony tells them. “And I’m not naming any more names- point is I’ve never been some kind of suave ladies man. Have you heard my pickup lines? Do you really think they’d work on actual, breathing women? The answer is no.” Except Christine, but he suspects she decided access to his house was useful to her story and he admires her tenaciousness. He’d been rather surprised that the article had been pleasant so maybe she saw something there that hadn’t been anywhere else. And they’re still good friends now so there’s that.

“Our confessions were shit,” Peter tells Stephen.

“How were we supposed to know Tony’s dick hasn’t been ridden by half the world? You’re quite good for not having a huge amount of experience,” he adds and Tony smiles a little.

“I’m actually extremely good at reading body language in bed. Its literally the only time I have a shred of emotional intelligence,” he says.

“We need to step up our game,” Peter decides.

#peter quill x tony stark x stephen strange #IronStarQuill #thats the new ship name #i named it #fanfiction #writing #alternate universe #idk bois #but its Some Cute Shit #YouTube AU

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