I-

hum.

Aight Tumblr, I’ve resurrected.

 I’m mainly gonna post here again because... I need motivation. I need to push myself even further. I know I can do better.

WARNING: In this post, I may give off an extremely self-centered, narcissistic vibe. Also, the latter half of the post is pretty depressing and personal. If you hate such people, just unfollow me. Because I’m going to post a lot of stuff like this on my IB blog. If you’re OK with it though, just click to read more.

Also, if you’re an IB Year 2 or alumni who’s gone through similar things, please contact me. I need your advice for my next year. Please. 

Junior year did not end the way I would have liked it to. Let’s just say that I’ve been through a lot; crappy Chem grades, SciOly has had its own share of struggles, I’m on the academic dishonesty list because someone decided to manipulate a stupid mistake I did and to top it all off... the most popular (now graduate) IB senior hates me, as well as practically the entire junior (now senior) class. Which, to make it worse, is like, 7 people discluding me. 

Y’know what? I’m gonna look back on the goals I posted and see how the chips fell.

I’m aiming to get 50 points for my IB Diploma. But K, it’s absolutely impossible to get 50 points on the IB Diploma! you may point out. And, well, you’re right. I’ve always lived by a motto that was first instilled in me when I learned a basic form in karate. In a form called Stone Stance, one of the stances was a guard stance where we’d yell, “Ayah! GIve 110% percent!” Keeping that for long-term, I decided to translate that literally into my IB score. 110% of 45 is 49.5, which I’ve rounded up to 50. So, yep! I want to get 50 points on my diploma. (If you haven’t figured it out already, I’m aiming for a perfect 45! Ssshhh!)

Well, there goes that. The IB Math (SL) exam went harder than I anticipated, and I’d be happy to get a 6. And I’m in Timezone 1!!! Timezone 2 had an even harder exam! Honestly, it makes me feel even more stupid. Also, our class IAs were AWFUL, according to my teacher. A lot of us did it the day before the due date so the quality was pretty shitty, myself included. I ended up with a 13/20. Which was the highest score in the class. If that’s not concerning... idk what is. Praying for moderation to raise our scores by at least 2 points... please.

In English, my IOP was... ok. I don’t think anyone understood it, but... I hope I passed. My Written Assignment/Assessment (idk and idc what the hell it’s called) went better, although I turned it in 20 minutes late. But hey she only deducted 10 points off my “completion” score, so I still got an A. And I don’t think it sucked. My EE has a LOT of work left to be completed, which I hope to finish in the five or so weeks I have left of summer break. (Fuck, it’s already July. And by the way, sorry I’m cussing.)

I want to break to Speech and Debate States. Last year (sophomore year) was my novice year in competitive speech and debate. I did very well on my first debate tournament and was immediately bumped to the varsity level. However… the same could not be said about speech (which I forced myself to be varsity in), and any tournaments thereafter. Eesh, especially the state qualifiers. Those were the absolute worst for me. I got 5s in nearly all my Oratory speeches and was in the very bottom bracket for LD debate. My goal this year is to actually break to a final round in a league tournament, because I know I can do it, and I was just a terrible speaker the year before. I want to break to States, even if it takes me to senior year. TBH, though, as an introvert with little true friends, a former terrible communicator, and someone almost diagnosed with autism, I feel like I’ve come a long way already in the sense of communication.

TL;DR: It didn’t happen. I had SciOly regionals on debate state quals, and I got bottom tier in speech quals. Pretty disheartening, since it looks as though I didn’t improve though I practiced my ass off those speeches. I’m writing my speeches for this year over the summer to hopefully get a headstart on my fellow competitors. I remember one day a really competitive teammate of mine wanted to break to States so bad. I said that you know what, it isn’t the end of the world if you didn’t. She retaliated at me by saying that she wanted to break and that I had no motivation. Look, she’s a nice sophomore and all, and we were pretty good acquaintances, but at that moment I wanted to punch her in the face and yell, “You wanna go, you wanna go??? No motivation my ass!!! How dare you say that to me!!!” (Aaaaaand that’s probably why I was Sorted into the house of Slytherin.)

I really wanna be captain next year, but it isn’t gonna happen. I had a bunch of ideas to implement for the team to make it better, and I really wanted to connect with everyone a bit more. And be respected by people. But those motives are probably not enough. At least, I don’t think so. There’s just too many (now) seniors that are more qualified than me - more years on the team, better records, more extroverted... let’s try to forget the last part. Either way, I still can manage hopefully more than one event. And I need to lead SciOly, and this year I’m going to make it an impact I leave on my school. >:) I have one more year to break to Speech and Debate states though, and I REALLY, REALLY want to do it. I believe in myself. I can do it; I have the passion.

I want to get admitted into Stanford (or at least a selective college/university). 😲, big dream, I know. To increase my chances, I want to get super involved in things I 😍 this year and do well in them, as well as get top scores on my SAT/ACT tests. I feel like the place I’ll lack is extracurriculars, since I haven’t done anything extraordinary yet (like being president of a big club or going to a state/national tournament). I believe I am capable of high test scores and good grades in IB. I hope I don’t get any more Bs though. So far, I have 3 Bs… which is kinda bad. My goal this year isn’t to do things for college or uni, but to show colleges and uni how passionate I am, and to make them fall for me. 🆗, romantic analogy, I know.

L. M. A. O. Let me just say: With Bs in sciences for both terms? Honey, it ain’t gonna happen. Let’s just say I’m applying with very fewer hopes of getting in. R.I.P to me.

Okay, with THAT out of the way, here comes the incident that shakes me to this day.

The Plagiarism Incident

It actually starts around October. There are eleven people in my IB Biology HL class. Obviously, I won’t mention names, but I will say that practically everyone except for the three(ish) people I knew would stick with me beginning to end hated me afterward. I’m talking, snapping back at me, turning heads away from me, acting superior to me hating me. 

We were all doing this ventilation lab. Basically, we use a spirometer to calculate our breath rate and take our heart rate. I don’t remember exactly what I did, but I typed up a lab report to be submitted to the IB as one of our required labs. At that point, we were all still kinda neutral to one another, and no one hated another. I got messages from most of my classmates asking me how I organized my report. And here’s the stupid part: I shared it with them via Google Docs. Thankfully, this incident did not result in plagiarism. But a different one... did. 

We were doing another lab in the spring requiring another write-up, the biofuel lab. Each group was doing a different lab, so it’s weird that the plagiarism happened here. There was this guy in my lab group. He was my lab partner in Honors Chem and was with me for most of my high school career, so I knew him well. He always asked me questions - the stupid kind - and would do anything, even cheat, for more points. He was just thirsty. It was at the time I was making my new lab report that I did an even stupider thing.

I made a copy of my ventilation lab GDoc, sharing it with everyone else. Liking to click all the boxes regardless of direction, I decided to fucking click that box, which shared it with everyone. 

I was hella surprised (but shouldn’t have been, in hindsight) when I received 100% plagiarism for my lab report. 

Hyperventilating, I quickly sent an email to my Bio teacher on what had happened. That set the trap I had set for myself in motion. My Bio teacher asked the IB coordinator, who asked the school admin, and pretty soon it was a schoolwide issue. The guy I mentioned earlier got punished because I accused him of turning in my report (mind you, he had been kicked out of a math class for cheating earlier in the year. Not a pretty sight to see, especially considering my math teacher chewed him out) and he spread the rumor that everyone was getting on the academic dishonesty list by looking at my report. He even talked about it in front of me to the rest of my History class (which was again 7 people, the DP candidates) and when I politely asked if they could stop talking, a girl rudely told me that they “were having a conversation.” (Well, I never got along well with her anyway in terms of personality.) As a result, I was practically isolated from the rest of the DP candidates for the rest of the year - except for one guy, who had been isolated from the group since day 1. He’s pretty chill. That was also around the time my depression set in, and I was in a craze with MBTI, personality disorders, and had a strong inferiority complex. Long story short, I met with the IB coordinator, who said that I would be on academic dishonesty for collusion. Which I acknowledged. But guess why I was 100% plagiarized?

You fucking guessed it. A completely UNRELATED person turned in my report. By ACCIDENT. If I hadn’t emailed my Bio teacher at 1 AM that night, none of this would’ve ever happened - at least, happened the way it did.

NOW (the girls) have formed a clique, intentionally discluding me. And I have to be with them another year. Too late to switch to APs, and colleges will wonder why the hell I dropped a commitment halfway through. I honestly want to drop out of IB right now, though. My experience has made my life so terrible, and it’s not even because of the actual curriculum. To make matters worse, I’m on the list. It’s no big deal, my coordinator said. Um, stop trying to lessen the pain of the wound. It is a big deal. I might as well be ineligible for any leadership positions next year. Captain, president, manager? Forget it.

That’s all for this post. My summer isn’t particularly splendid either. I think I’ve burnt myself out. If you’re from my school and reading this, take whatever I say the way you like. I can’t control you. 

Any advice from a Year 2 or an alum would be greatly appreciated!!!