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perfectlovekillsallfear87 · 4 years

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&&Im back.

I’m not sure how long I’ve actually been gone from Tumblr. I believe the last time I was on here was when I was in my 20s. I’m in my 30s now and finally got a new laptop.

I have found it very helpful to get my thoughts out. And typing seems to help as well.

I’m 32 now. My original tumblr blog was deleted by me. Just too many memories that I didn’t want to remember anymore. I have decided to continue with my tumblr name, but added the 87 at the end cause I guess the other name is taken.

Let’s see....since this is a place for my own thoughts. I’m just going to start typing them out. I don’t expect anyone to read this anyways. I won’t be using any tags.

Last night was something that I didn’t expect to happen. Especially not this soon.

A little back story. A year ago Shea and I hooked up. And my impatient and most likely drunken ass told his wife. And I had nothing to lose. I had lost my job. And was in the midst of a “fuck it” phase. After that happened, Shea didn’t speak to me. No matter how many times I’ve tried to apologize. I guess you can’t really apologize for something like that. Especially when it came from a hurtful place. I wanted his marriage to end and I guess wanted him to be with me. But heres the thing. I’m in a long term relationship. A year ago there was a lot going on in my life that I wasn’t happy with. And I sought Shea out. He would listen to me when I talked. He showed that he cared. Eventually one thing led to another and bam. We’re at his mothers house hooking up for 6 hours....Yeah, 6 hours. The thing with Shea progressed over time. I worked at the door, checking receipts and what not. And he took notice of me. He would say hi to me all the time. Pretend like he’s checking on the ice machine just to talk to me. Flirt with me. I remember when I tried getting a higher position at work and I wasn’t chosen for it. It broke me. And I broke down crying. He took me outside and gave me a cigarette and told me to fuck this place. He attempted to make me feel better. At this time I was working in the bakery dept because I didnt want to be a cashier and it was away from everyone. Thats when I met him. I was in the freezer all the time getting our breads and he would watch me and talk to me. thats when I knew he was into me. when they cut my hours, thats when I went to the door. And he would “check on the ice” just to talk to me. After that I transfered to the early shift in dairy and frozen, because that was his dept. I wanted to be closer to him. That is when everything really moved fast. I got his number and we just would talk. That year in that dept was the most amazing year for me. I was close to him. But the kicker is....hes married. I knew this, but I still wanted him. I know thats wrong. And idk why I just didnt look the other way. Wow, this is a really long back story. My bad. One day he called me and at first I didnt want to do anything. I was still super shy around him. But that was literally the only chance I had at the time. My bf wasnt home and I could go freely without telling him where I was going. Well. We did it. I tried to ruin his marriage by telling his wife. He didnt talk to me for a year. Not until I got my job back (did I mention I lost that job and didnt work for a year, until recently got rehired) I can tell you that he was surprised to see me at work again. I havent asked him about it, but I plan on to next time I get to talk to him. I tried really hard too leave him alone. But he would look at me a lot. And randomly show up in my area. I knew he was still into me. You just dont show up on the opposite end of the store. ya know? I still had his number saved to my phone. and I would text him. It wasnt until a few nights ago he actually text me back and talked to me. I told him that I missed him. Not expecting him to tell me the same thing. I was shocked when he said he missed me too. Last night we video chatted while I was at work. And he just said “Im coming to get you” I tried to tell him that I still had an hour left of work. But he talked me into clocking out an hour early. He picked me up and he drove out of town. And he told me he wasnt mad at me. He told me that I need to promise him I wont tell anyone. And I wont. I will on the other hand type it out and get it out of my head. I need to get it out. I hate having something built up in me. So we drive and make out and eventually have sex in his wifes vehicle!!! I know. Awful. And now here I am on Tumblr trying to justify my actions. Trying to some how convince myself that I didnt do anything wrong. Im in love with the man, so therefore I cant be wrong. I told him I love him and he told me he loves me. But he also said nothing can come of all of this. Which broke me. I cried in the dark while he held me. I thought for a moment that he would change his mind. that maybe this is why he picked me up. to go over a plan. but no. he basically said this is only a fling. nothing more can come of it.

So idk what Im going to do. Idk what to feel. I just dont know. Idk who to talk to about this. I dont have a bestfriend I can confide in. Ive cut so many people out of my life due to trust issues. idk. i have so much going on right now, its stressful. my bf is literally dying in front of me. liver failure. hes in the hospital as I type this out. yeah, im a bitch for going off and cheating on him. ive stuck by his side since this all started 8 months ago. i dont wanna get into this now. i’ll save it for another lonely night.

I was watching awkward on hulu. i was jenna back in my 20s. always blogging my life. it helped me. but then people found my blog that live in the same town as me and it didnt end very well. so i deleted everything.

i didnt mention my name. but i did mention shea’s name. shea could be anyone, living anywhere in the world. so i highly doubt anyone will figure out where we are. or who i am. i dont really plan on following other accounts. or reblogging other things. i just needed a place to get my thoughts out. its been a while since ive been on a laptop and it feels really good to be able to type things out.

well. i guess thats if for my first post.

laters.

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thefutureduchessmarie · 5 years

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Soft Asks -

Since my blog is pretty much inactive (and has been for a while), It as a huge (bu lovely) surprise to be tagged by @category-5-harry-kane

What’s the smell of your shampoo?

I have no idea? I changed it recently, and its a quite chemical smell that I can’t recognize or associate to anything. It’s not bad though

What’s your aesthetic?

I love a creative mix between classic and avant-garde. I love fashion and art, so I really appreciate things that are different, outside the box or pushing the limits of creativity. But at the same time, I like to balance that out with timeless aspects, that I know won’t fade within 6 months. I basically like to keep an eye out for new ideas, will gladly adopt whatever I like, even if is umcoventional, but I will never follow trends.

In terms of dressing, I really value comfort. Like, I love dressing up, but I refuse to be in pain or uncomfortable just to achieve a certain look

What do you love most about the beach?

I grew up in a small town by the beach, where everyone wanted to spend every day of summer break laying on the sand. So I used to find the beach boring as hell, because I never got to do anything else. Now that I’ve moved to the city, I can finally appreciate it. I still don’t understand how/why people want to spend every single day at the beach for 3 months straight, but I love how relaxing and easy it is.

But my favorite might be the quietness of the beach in sunny winter days or to look at the ocean when the weather is really bad - there’s beauty in an angry sea!

What worries you constantly?

Pretty much everything! I do suffer from anxiety and often have to take medication for it. But I would say the future, in general. Im 26 yo and I constantly worry about what kind of life Im building for myself. Im not exactly and the place I would like to be and I worry if I’ll ever get there.

I just hope that regardless of the destination, I can enjoy the ride

What are some relaxation tips for your followers?

Get reeeeeeeeally cozy and take time to do things you love. Like, put on some comfortable clothes, wrap yourself up in your favorite blanket, light up a scented candle and indulge in anything you feel like - watch your favorite movie or some cartoons, paint, draw, spend an awful lot of time being unproductive online, read fanfiction, listen to you favorite record, play with your pets, whatever you want. Its your moment. You deserve it!

What tears you up?

Anything if its the middle of the night and I can’t sleep. Other than that, I don’t cry that easily. My exceptions are: - Weddings (Ill probably cry watching strangers get married online!)

-Dodo’s videos of rescued animals

-Athletes crying when they retire (I think Im still crying from Totti’s last game tbh)

What are some troubles you face on a daily basis?

Probably my anxiety. Im aware that I’ve already accomplished so much in my life even if Im not exactly where I wanted to be, but my stupid brain wont let me see it. But the good thing is - Im working on it. I genuinely want to feel better and be happy and I’ll never give up on that fight, so I know that better days will come.

What is the one scene for a book that made you?

Ups! Sorry I dont understand this question

Say something to your followers…

Stop giving a damn on this website. You probably created this blog to have a good time, to share some interests with other people, to enjoy yourself. So post whatever you want, say whatever you think, like whatever you like and unfollow who you need to unfollow. Tumblr is one of the few places in society where you can really, truly be yourself, so don’t waste it. And if its not making you happier, don’t be afraid of giving it a rest.

Since I’ve been practically dead in here, I don’t know who to tag anymore. So I’ll do something different instead - I’ll consider uploading my blog again and being more active in here in the near future

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eatapinkwafer · 6 years

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Fangirl Asks:

So i completely forgot i had a bunch of these, sorry! But new tags reminded me of it, so im going to do all of them now.. Read it all of you’d like. I was tagged by @bbcshipper @rosehipsyrups @elasticmonk @cooldoyouhaveaflag @my-little-yellowbird thanks lovelies!

Questions from @bbcshipper

1. How much do your real life friends/family know about your fandom life?

I think i answered this before, but a few of my friends and family members know i have Tumblr and that i’m obsessed with CtM but they don’t really know the extent of it

2. Have you ever embarrassed yourself fangirling?

i don’t really fangirl with people who i’m not comfortable with or i know wont judge me so i don’t get embarrassed much, i guess when i first told my friend about my Tumblr and a lot of things i do i was slightly embarrassed.

3. What’s a recurring theme of fanfictions of you OTP that you find annoying/dislike?

hahaha ummm, unppopular opinion and don’t come at me with stakes, but i dont care much for when Tim says mushy stuff all the time, but it’s other people’s writing and they can right what they like and i’ll still enjoy it.

4. What are some prompts/ideas you might want explored more in fanfic? (asking this one for some ideas, hope that’s okay!)

i’ve always wanted to read something from Angela’s perspective, that would be interesting even though i know she’s still young

5. What’s the meaning behind your tumblr name?

Its from one of the best episodes, 6x08, when Shelagh is in labor and says i could eat a pink wafer...and then eats it and its such a perfect scene

6. Favorite moment(s) with your OTP?

Hand kiss, smoking together after the Carter birth, misty road, tent scene, dancing together “you and Jim Reeves”, and basically every scene they have together

7. How far would you travel to meet your OTP in real life?

if i have money, anywhere.. since i don’t have any money i’ll stick with anywhere in the states

8.Do you have a playlist for your OTP? (again, looking for ideas!)

Not really sorry, just whatever Turnadette has sang together

9. What about your real life would shock your OTP?

How much i stay in bed? i don’t know

10. What have you learned from being a part of the fandom?

that there are actual people out there who love something as much as i do and i don’t have to be ashamed about it

11. What’s the best thing about your fandom?

the community, they’re the absolute best

Questions from @rosehipsyrups :

1. Have you ever written fanfic?

Nope, just like reading it

2. Describe a scene from your favourite fandom that’s made you laugh

When Shelagh puts on her girdle in the 2017 CS, i’m still laughing about it

3. Have you ever stayed up all night watching a show?

hahahahahahahahahaahaha... let’s just say i saw all 6 seasons of CtM in 3 days

4. Top three favourite books?

A Thousand Splendid Suns, Moon Daughter, The Help

5. Do you like stories best if they’re set in the past, present, or future?

With Fanfic i like all, and with books i prefer past and present

6. Who do you look the most like in your favourite fandom?

Umm i dont think anyone, im hispanic girl with very curly hair... no one looks like that in CtM

7. Who are you most like personality wise in your favourite fandom?

Im going to go with Delia, because @weshallc said i was like her so i’ll just go with that

8. Favourite movie?

Notting Hill, i’m a hopeless romantic

9. Describe a scene from your favourite fandom that’s made you cry

The misty road scene has made me cry a couple times

10. Currant OTP?

Turnadette

11. One wish for your fandom’s future?

That they are happy, that’s all lol

Questions from @elasticmonk :

1. What was your first fandom?

On Tumblr? Outlaw Queen; not Tumblr Gilmore Girls and Friends

2. What’s your favorite thing about your main fandom now?

The community, again they’re the lovliest

3. What is your main fandom?

Turnadette

4. Whose your favorite character of all time?

Phoebe Buffay

5. What three quality’s do you think you share with your favorite character (of anything)?

I don’t think a lot, she’s a lot more eccentric and bold than me, i just love her

6. Where would you like to see your OTP vacation and why?

Obviously LA where i’m from, imagine them being tourists on the Hollywood Walk of Fame or at Disneyland? Venice Beach? That would be amazing

7. What’s your favorite gif from your fandom?

The i could eat a pink wafer gif and then when she eats it, oh also Hello Nurse

8. What’s your favorite picture from your fandom?

oh man i dont know, all of them. Probably anything with Laura

9. Who was your first OTP?

Luke and Lorelai

10. When did you start your main fandom?

I lurked last year for about 4 months and then started my blog in October

11. AU or canon complaint fanfiction?

Both

Questions from @my-little-yellowbird :

1.How has fangirling made an impact in your life?

I’ve found a really good community that i can share what i love with. And when i first started looking at Tumblr and watching CtM, it was a really hard time for me and it allowed me to escape for a bit and brought some joy into my life

2.What makes fangirling most worthwhile to you?

Again as before, the people i get to share my love for things with and they understand me and don’t make me feel bad for it

3.What have you learned about yourself by being a part of a fandom?

I don’t think anything new but possibly that i don’t have to be ashamed for loving something so much and there are people out there like me (these questions were deep lol, i just repeated myself 3 times)

Questions from @cooldoyouhaveaflag

1. If you’ve written fanfiction, do people in your real life read it? Would you want them to if they don’t?

Never written any

2. Are you usually active in your fandoms? If yes, how long before you join in, if no, why not? (No right or wrong answer, I just think it’s interesting!)

Umm i am active in the Turnadette one now, it took me like a month to be more active after i started my Tumblr. If you mean like on a daily, it doesn’t take for me too long to participate

3. What is your dream fic about your OTP? (no restrictions, it can be anything from a cannon one-shot to a 200,000 word multi chap space alien AU)

hmm i’m a sucker for jealousy storylines for some reason, actually i know the reason. It’s because then they can declare how much they love each other and make up and i find that super adorable. Even though i know jealousy isn’t great, but nothing like they get angry or yell just that they’re a bit jealous. Like an old friend of Shelagh’s visits and he’s young and good looking and Pat is a bit jealous. That would be great

My Questions:

1.What’s something you’d never thought you’d do but have because of a fandom?

2. If you could be in any tv show/movie which would it be and what role would you like to play

3.Is there any storyline that has impacted you personally?

4.How would you describe your favorite show/ movie to someone to convince them to watch it?

5.Have you convinced anyone to watch a favorite show/movie of yours and they got hooked?

6.Have you ever cancelled plans or left early in order to watch an episode of your favorite show or for a fandom thing? If so, tell the story

7. How many fandoms have you been in and what are they?

8.What scene first got you hooked to your OTP?

i’ll tag @cooldoyouhaveaflag @miss-ute @elasticmonk @cooldoyouhaveaflag @fourteen-teacups @tangledupinmist @kaguyahime1224 @ramblingviolinist @chariot-to-somewhere @mg-bsl381 @lovetheturners @sincerelygeertje @like-an-officer-and-a-sergeant @snoopctm @turnt4turnadette

Only do it if you’d like, sorry if you were tagged already or answered some of these questions

#this took forever #longer than i expected #but it was fun #thanks guys

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felixeslee · 6 years

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92 q tag

hello this tag is highkey irrelevant now but it’s been in my drafts for ages so !! laskdgjasodigjsaldkgasodigjasdg which is why i wont b tagging anyone bc im so late but !! yeah !! ok !! !!!!!!!!!1111!!! lets !! go !!!!!!!!!!!!!!

tagged by @hyuunjins @hyunjinh @straykiz and @dae-hwee from my w1 blog (lmaoo hi pindi this is sarah!! AIddgsdfk if youre aware of this blog but hope its ok if i do it here alskdg )

rules: once you’ve been tagged, you are supposed to write a note with 92 truths about you. At the end choose 25 people to be tagged.

🌙 LAST

Drink: the water that I drank this morning!! Aka around 12 hrs ago asdgasdgoij pls stay hydrated kids

Text Message: i texted my brother if he knew where my dad was lol,,,,,,, sldkjgaosidgj

Phone Call: CALLED MY BROTHER BC HE WASNT RESPONDING MY TEXTS,,,,, he also didn’t pick up ldskgjsoidgjsldkgsjdg

Song you listened to: Goodbye My Love by Aileeeee <3 lovv

Time you cried: TODAY ,,,, i was getting super anxious bc i didn’t know where my dad was ??? he was supposed to pick me up but he forgot abt me until like an hr later… sldkgjaosidgj

🌙 HAVE YOU EVER

Dated someone twice: no :00 lmao i’ve never dated… ever alskdjgaoijsdf

Kissed someone and regretted it: i havent had my first kiss yet HEH

Lost someone special: unfortunately, yes :(

Been depressed: sdgksjadoiglskdfosdijgalskdfaosdigjaksdgoaisdjf idk

Been drunk and thrown up: lmao i’ve never drank ,,, at all,,,, the smell of alchohol scares me,,,,, evn my little brother has had a sip once and he’s 5 yrs younger LMAO ,,, but im a noob and don’t wanna try sldkgjosidjgs

🌙 IN THE PAST YEAR HAVE YOU

Made a new friend: yay yes yeslgkdgsdf

Fallen out of love: i dont think i’ve ever evn been in love…. Sdlgksjdoigj

Met someone who changed you: yes,,,,,,,,,

Found out who your true friends are: uhhhh idk aslkdgjaosidjf i honestly can never tell when someone’s being a fake friend so!!!!!! Idk honestly lmao

Found out someone was talking about you: i did ! but it wasn’t for anything bad or anything……… they just criticized me behind my back?? But i agreed w their criticism so alsdkjgaosidgj

🌙 GENERAL

How many people on tumblr do you know in real life?: ummm,,,, like 4?? We r mutuals evn though none of them r actually kpop blogs,,,, so i always feel guilty spamminig their aesthetic feed w my screaming tags and annoying shit LMAO but i lov them <3

Do you have any pets?: NO :”( I WANT A DOGGO THO …. REALLY BAD…..

Do you want to change your name?: uhhh ik so many sarahs its not evn funny and my last name is hella basic too????? Theres 3 ppl that share my first+last name in my school alone….. So maybe i’d change it to my chinese name (yue) ?? also bc it sounds more sophisticated,, and i lov anything that makes me sound smarter than the reality of my dumb self LOL

What time did you wake up this morning: LOL so my alarm rings at 6:40 but i get out of bed at 7:10 SLDGKJSODIF … and i need to get out of the house by 7:20 lsdkgsdoig

What were you doing last night: physics and apush :SLDGJOSIDFJ the 2 most dreaded classes UGH

Something you cannot wait for: DINNER .. i love me some gud dinner

Have you ever talked to a person named tom?: thomas jefferson my mAN

What’s getting on your nerves right now: when it’s so heckin cold i can’t concentrate + i hate taking notes when it’s cold??? Bc then my hands r like half numb and it HURTS WHEN I TAKE NOTES sldkgsoidjf ALSO WHEN I DRAW ,,,,, STIFF FINGERS R THE WORST WHEN DRAWING

Blood type: i think a????????????

Nickname: my most common ones r swisso + salad (i promise these make sense in context LOL )

Relationship status: return NullPointerException; //im a cs person,,, dont judge

Zodiac sign: capricorn!

Pronouns: she + her

Favorite show: i dont watch many shows but i love watching a gud studio ghibli movie when im feelin down

College: this QUESTION LSDKGJSODIGJ ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, i wanna go to college but will any accept me ??!?!

Hair colour: its naturally black but it’s currently dyed ombre from black → brown !!!!!!

Do you have a crush on someone: i havent had a legit crush in 3 yrs lmao…….

What do you like about yourself: the fact that im a deep sleeper. Idk how light sleepers function omg like wouldn’t u wake up to like,,,,, everything??! :((( that makes me sad bc u hav no idea how much i lov a nice long undisturbed slumber

🌙 FIRSTS

First surgery: okAY so like i've had 2 procedures done on my eyes lmaooo like (1) when i was a smol beb of like 1 yr old i rolled off my bed aaaannnnddd the corner of my eye hit the edge of the sharp corner of the bedside table!!! and then y1ke$ things got ugly loll (((yes, i wuz dum + clumsy since the day i popped from the womb))) its all stitched up now and i hav a tinie tinie scar aslkdgs okay and (2) there was something weird abt my tearducts LOL so u know when u get sad nd stuff ur nose gets runny and u sniff a lot??? well like that wasn't the case for me bc the passage way from my eyes to my nose was completely blocked off,,,,, which resulted in me lookin like i was full blown cryin like every 2 seconds... like if i kept my eyes open for too long my eyes would get watery and tears would flow out LMAO ,,,, i looked like i just never stopped crying,,, but it was just my eyes were just ALWAYS WATERING sdlgjsdif damn u have no idea after the procedure i was like 'do ppl live like this??? not having to wipe tears every 0.2 sec??? oh my god,,, i am livin THE LIFE'

First piercing: i hav no piercings!!! Bc stabbing holes thru myself scares me sdlkjgsoidg but i love the way earrings look tho so ://///

First sport you joined: dance or gymnastics???? I dont rly remember

First vacation: CHINA prob????

First pair of sneakers: i think sketchers LMAO ,,, the big thing

🌙 RIGHT NOW

Eating: nothing!!!!!

I’m about to: do som sketches for my AP art class

Listening to: my dad sing som old chinese folk stuff behind me LOL

Want kids: i already adopted all 9 members of stray kids tho ??? idk if im ready for more atm

Get married: LOL This question just reminded me of smol story from my childhood: so like i used to b rly close w these 3 other kids,,,, one other girl and 2 guys,,, and our parents were all rly tight too,, and our four families would just go camping together and it was rly :’’D fun and so we all made a pact that I would marry one of the guys and the other girl would marry the other guy and we’d all go camping together forever but then KINDERGARTEN HIT,,,, we moved schools and yeah im still rly close w the girl but i miss the 4 of us dkgjsodigjsdlkgsdf LOL

Career: waterbottle 🌙

WHICH IS BETTER

Lips or eyes: eyes? Eh idk i just never rly considered lips ?? LOL

Hugs or kisses: hugs? I dont hav experience w kisses so sldkgjsoidgjsd yike syikes yikes

Shorter or taller: TALLER

Troublemaker or hesitant: uhhhhh neither??? Like i just want someone playful + extroverted bc im quite introverted,,,,,,,,,, so if he was hesitant we’d just b super awkward and quiet,,, and i don’t like getting involved w sketchy troublemaker shit either LOL ,,,

Older or younger: as long as they r in the same school grade level,,,, and i guess 1-2 yrs older is okaY? But lowkey freaks me out if too old

Romantic or spontaneous: sldkgjsoidfj both? Like i lov someone who is unpredictable and spontaneous,,,, but on the other hand im lowkey a helpless romantic lasdkgjaoisdjf

Sensitive or loud: both i guess too??? Its good to have someone understanding and sensitive but also someone who knows how to have fun :)

Hookup or relationship: hookups,,,,,,,, just dont make sense to me,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, like i get attached to someone p easily so even if i dont plan on being attached,,,, i’d probably get attached :(

🌙 HAVE YOU EVER

Kissed a stranger: YIKES no

Drank hard liquor: nO

Lost contacts/glasses: UH I HATE THIS BUT YES…..

Sex on first date: yikes * (6.02 *10^23) adkgaosidjgaslkdf no thaNK you

Broken someone’s heart: i dont know,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, like i might’ve but maybe im just not aware ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, but on a sidenote i think my old comupter science teacher gets a migrain everytime he sees me LOLLLLLL sdlgjsoidgjsldf

Been arrested: no,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, :0

Turned someone down: yeah lmao i kinda feel bad tho bc they were all good ppl,,,, lskjgosidjf but thankfully im still good friends and pretty tight w all of them ~

🌙 DO YOU BELIEVE

In yourself: ocassionally i try to :’’D

Miracles: lol yes

Love at first sight: i used to ? but not anymore,,,, like i believe u can be attracted to someone at first sight ?? but i feel like love cannot be attained thru visual contact only asldgjoasidjalsdg

#sarah: tag #LMAO sry for the random stories here nd there #and i wrote this like 2 weeks ago so yeah .l LMAO #thank u all for tagging me i luh u all <333 #lSDKGJOSDIGJSDG

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