#I've been holed up in my apartment for 2 weeks cause of covid haven't had the strength to go outside | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

theleafpile · 2 years

Text

tw body image, venting

my step mom has been dealing with some serious health issues and all her life has had difficulty gaining or keeping on weight. if you didn't know her you would think she has ed, she's maybe 5'6 and 110 lbs, very thin. it causes her a lot of distress, especially lately, as she desperately wants to gain weight to look good for her sons upcoming wedding, and I listen and commiserate with her struggles and yearning for a time when she was 120-135lbs.

the difficulty for me comes when I don't even remember being 135lbs. and I know our body types are different, we have different makeup, I get it.

but when I was trying to get into the military, I tried desperately (working out multiple times a day, restrictive eating) to get below 140lbs, and still clocked in at MEPS at 142lbs. I was so disappointed and disgusted with myself.

The only time a boyfriend told me I looked good, like I lost weight (a moment burned into my memory) was when I was severely depressed, without enough money to eat, living with my parents while in grad school, and I was 138lbs.

When I was rejected by the military, I started to gain weight, having no reason to restrict myself to thoroughly and exercise as vigorously. At the job I had for almost three years, during and after that time, I wore a uniform. I reached 168lbs, and at that point the uniform would get tight, so I restricted and dropped and worked out more to stay at about 165lbs. and yes, it made a difference.

I still hated myself though. hated that I could be 20lbs heavier than I was at my best.

then I got engaged. for months before the wedding I worked out almost daily and restricted, and yet nothing budged. not one number on the scale. I got married at 168lbs after months of trying to lose a single pound.

I started to lose weight after the wedding, just a few pounds, but I was over the moon. I wasn't keep track as well then, but I think my lowest got to be about 161, 160. I felt and looked so good compared to what I'd been that the fact I was still in the 160s didn't bother me.

then covid hit.

and overnight, I couldn't go to the gym anymore.

I tried working out at home, taking walks outside, but living on the 3rd floor in a one bedroom apartment limited me in a way I hadn't been limited before.

within a year, my highest weight reached 192lbs.

there were times I had to laugh. I had literally never seen the scale that high. but I was confident that once covid ended I could go back to the gym and lose it all.

then covid never ended.

two years later, I'm at a steady 186lbs. steady as in for a year I've been this exact weight, fluctuating naturally by 2 lbs in either direction. that's as much as I gain or lose naturally, without diet or exercise, just based on what I was doing or eating.

and I hate it.

I hate being my husband's fat wife. I hate only being able to wear a few of my shirts. I hate my double chin. I hate my arms, my thighs, my stomach. I hate my jeans that I've worn holes through because my legs rub together.

When I first reached this weight, I told my step mom how frustrating it was. I cried at her kitchen table.

she told me it's easy to lose weight.

she told me to try harder.

to keep track of nutrients, everything in, everything out. keep track of my activities, how much sleep I'm getting, my daily weight.

and I have. for two years exactly, next month.

haven't lost a pound.

she tells me again. it's easy. just try. just do better. just work out more. just eat less. God, she wishes she had my problems!

this morning I woke up and said, okay. how long does it actually take to lose weight? my husband bought an elliptical machine. we have a punching bag and free weights and a room dedicated solely to exercise. I used it for a week straight, pushing myself every day, and saw zero budge on the scale. zero progress in how I looked or how my clothes fit. so I said, what's the data?

turns out, burning 3500 calories would make you lose one pound.

I would have to do the daily, punishing exercises I was doing 5x a week to burn 500 calories. 500 calories a week.

so in 7 weeks, I might have lost 1 lbs.

7 weeks. a month and a half. for 1 pound.

when I would ideally lose 20. get back to the weight I hated before I knew how much worse it could get.

to lose 6 lbs, to get under 180, would take me 37 weeks. that would put me in June.

June, for 6 pounds.

yes, I know my health could only benefit. yes, I know it shouldn't be about the scale. yes, I know as the ball gets rolling I'll likely be doing more workouts and burn more calories per session. I know I know I know.

that doesn't make it any easier.

it doesn't make working so hard and seeing no changes any easier.

it doesn't fix two years of not working out. it doesn't take away that it took me months to gain 20lbs the moment I stepped away from a gym.

yes, my thyroid is managed. yes, I know what I'm doing. yes, I'm very lucky not to work outside of the home and not have to worry as much about finances and don't you know that people have real stress to worry about, kiddo? don't you know that real people have kids and jobs and you're so lucky and I wish I had your problem and just do it it's so easy JUST DO IT ITS SO EASY WHY ARE YOU STILL FAT ARE YOU EVEN TRYING WHY ARE YOU SO LAZY DONT YOU KNOW PEOPLE HAVE REAL PROBLEMS AND REAL STRESSORS AND YOU HAVE IT SO EASY JUST DO IT

#tw body image

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