I bought myself flowers!!!! the weather is gloomy and this week was really tough so it definitely feels like a nice reward 🌷

So... I think I'm quitting Doctor Who for a while; possibly forever. I haven't decided yet, but I'm definitely done for now. I got to the end of season 4, and I was So Freaking Excited to see Rose again that I couldn't even breathe for most of the season. Every time they teased it I felt like I was going to puke, I was so stoked and so upset about all the near misses... And when we got her back she was so capable and so awesome... Even though it upset me that they spent an episode & a half keeping them apart and wasting time, and, and... And she had grown So Much, and she was fighting So Damn Hard, even against the impossible, to keep her promise to him, to never leave him; the only person who ever really fully made that promise and worked so hard to do it that I know of (tho to be fair I didn't watch the Sarah Jane stuff or any of the earlier stuff yet... But still, it really hits, doesn't it?).... and I simply couldn't wait to see them back together again! And their mutual relief and joy in the reunion is so palpable... And then.

And then.

I CANNOT. I'm so pissed off at the way they ended it I was up all night pacing my room ranting to myself, and I can't even watch the final S4 episode; with him alone with neither of them. Alone again... because this one time, after fighting so hard to be back with him, Rose chooses an alternate version of him... and chooses to *leave him* by it?! I cannot watch Ten, having lost a new friend, but also having lost the person who was almost single-handedly responsible for the version of himself he is at that particular moment in time. I just...

I'm okay with and understand that Billie Piper didn't want to continue, but I just can't buy it. It simply doesn't wash for me. It seems wildly OOC, and just highlights how resigned the Doctor is to being deserted, and losing people, and I'm ANGRY. Nay, I'm FURIOUS. Honestly I don't think I can deal with the format anymore, after this. I can't watch him get attached to people and then watch him lose them over and over and over again. I just can't do it.

Tenrose broke me, and I don't think I can continue in the Whoniverse. It was a short journey, but if I ever want to return to that universe, I think I'll just rewatch the first two to four seasons (and watch him as 14, maybe). For one, I think I didn't give Martha enough props. I was too busy dealing with my emotions over losing Rose in Doomsday, and I didn't really pay enough attention to Martha to really give her what she deserved. And frankly, I probably didn't give Donna her props either, because I remained upset, and they were teasing Rose the whole time (which I'm glad they did, don't get me wrong; because otherwise I think it would have been too long of a gap without her for us to really fully remember till they were in the same scene together, what it was like with them. But still. It definitely impacted my ability to enjoy the Donna dynamic).

I will need to rewatch anyway to do my fix-it fic... this this being inevitable conclusion to my journey here. That's how i survive these sorts of things. I need to be able to sleep again. And I can't, as long as that infuriating ending is still in my head and playing behind my eyelids.