#I'm just occupying my time writing sad gay shit | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

cryptidqueerr · 4 years

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hey what’s up I’m writing fanfiction now I guess

y’all said “I used to be team jacob in 2006 but now I’m a giant lesbian” and I said “what about.....lesbian jacob black? and what about no imprinting? and also pepper in some more involved parents and more queer folks?” and you said “sure sounds good”

(x-posted to ao3 which is also where more chapters will be posted)

This story begins with an ending.

For six months, I followed the deepest drive of my human heart and loved Edward Cullen. For six months, he bent his nature to love me in return. But that which bends will inevitably break, and the stories warning young girls to stay away from the glittering eyes of vampires exist for a reason.

He abandoned me in the woods. He had thrown open the gates of heaven and then declared me too sinful to stand in its light. He told me that he loved me for my humanity and then told me that in my humanity, I was a liability. He left me to crash onto the ground alone. I couldn't think without him. I couldn't breathe without him. He had so fully inhabited my soul that my body did not remember how it moved before him. For hours, I curled up, the dark outside pressing against my skin to meet the darkness inside. Sam Uley carried me out of the woods, my father carried me into the house, and I carried me through the unending agony that came after.

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Weeks pass. My thin body, growing thinner by the day, feels as though it will crack under the weight of my sorrow. I don't sleep at all - then I do nothing but sleep. I barely eat. Offering smiles to soothe my father's worry feels like carving gashes into my face. I fumble for the right answers to give to the therapist my parents insist I see. She prescribes me a handful of pills that I flush down the drain.

I send texts that return undeliverable. I don't dare try his number - just the thought of the confirmation that his number is dead, that my last connection to him could be severed, drives me into an hours-long breakdown. Instead I text Alice: losing her friendship is an added pain, but a bearable one. Dozens a day, then less. Then more again. Then just one, every night.

I'm waiting. I'll always be waiting. I love him.

I think this must be what praying feels like.

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I am ruins

covered in vines

my temple long lost to age.

the darkness here is deep

shadowed corners whispering ancient

sadness

but still

the air here is holy.

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"Julie Black's coming by later."

I lift my head from my bowl of cereal. Charlie stands at the sink, in front of the coffee pot from 1997. Frost covers the kitchen window, the late November chill pressing its face against the glass. "What?" I say, seconds before my brain processes the words.

"Julie Black. She's swinging by to pick up some of her dad's stuff that he left here a while ago," Charlie says, his hands methodically adding nine sugars to his coffee. He doesn't look up.

He doesn't look directly at me very often anymore. I catch him watching me when he thinks I don't notice, his worried eyes following me from the couch to the fridge to the kitchen table and back again. He likes that I stay downstairs, I think. I don't bother to tell him that my bedroom is filled with Edward, that sleeping on my bed is like sleeping on his grave. My promise to stop saying things like that was my ticket out of weekly therapy appointments and back into my sophomore year of classes at Peninsula College, the community college in Forks. When I'd moved in with Charlie last August, I'd hoped to be moved to Seattle for a four-year college by the fall. Now, I barely manage to pass the few classes I had remembered to sign up for.

I search the blankness in my head for a response. I come up with nothing, save a vague sense of a tall, smiling girl. What does this have to do with me?

"I thought..." Charlie hesitates, then tries again. "I thought maybe you girls could catch up. Billy says she gets pretty lonely down there on the rez, with her sisters gone. She'd wanted to start taking classes over at Peninsula this semester, but it didn't work out. I bet she'd appreciate a friend."

Ah. I nod, returning my attention to the mush of Frosted Flakes. "Okay."

I sense Charlie's stillness: he hadn't expected me to agree. He doesn't answer, just mutters a wordless affirmation. But he finally shuffles into the living room, carrying his coffee and a little less tension.

I bump a cluster of soggy cornflakes, watching as it sets on a spinning path through the off-white milk. I push through the gray fog that fills my skull to idly thumb through my memories, carefully avoiding the ones I don't want to see, like navigating a dark room without barking your shins on furniture. The memory from before (before what? before Ed...no, before, before just before) comes to mind: Julie Black, Billy Black's youngest daughter, had come with him to drop off the truck Charlie had gotten from his old friend for me, right after I'd moved to Forks. I hadn't even started classes when I met her. She had shown me the trick to the clutch. I remember her height - towering over my 5' 4", probably even with Charlie's 5' 10" - and her broad shoulders, built more for soccer than basketball. I remember a bright smile, crinkling her dark eyes, so much like Emmett-

My brain throws the emergency brake before the thought reaches my heart. My head clears out completely: I think of nothing but Frosted Flakes.

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I join Charlie on the couch after breakfast. There's a game on TV. I stare at it for a full half-hour before I realize that it's football and not baseball, though that doesn't really help me understand it any better. Charlie alternatively groans in annoyance and punches the arm of his recliner in celebration. I give him another half hour of pretending to join in before I give up and grab the battered paperback I left on the coffee table the night before. It's one of the 80's-era high fantasy novels that I loved when I was thirteen, filled with knights and princesses and sexism. It's engaging enough, even though I've read it before.

My stomach has just started to rumble into hunger when there's a knock on the door. Charlie glances at me, then makes to get out of his chair.

"I'll get it," I offer. I try not to be offended by the look of surprise and excitement on Charlie's face. I'm depressed, not an invalid, I want to snap. But sniping at Charlie doesn't make me feel any better: I already tried.

When I open the door, my brain immediately scrambles to update my memories. The Julie I remember as tall-for-a-girl is now whoa-did-you-see-how-tall-that-girl-is, grinning down at me from at least six feet. Her long black hair hangs damp over her shoulders, trailing down her bare arms. There's ice pelting down with the fine rain, but she's only wearing a black tank top and jeans stuffed into muddy motorcycle boots, a dark red flannel shirt tied around her hips. Her eyes, dark as sweet coffee, are the same. They crinkle at the corners with her wide smile.

"Hey!" she says brightly. "Long time no see."

"Hi," I say.

"Hey there, Julie. Come on in, you must be freezing." Charlie appears at my shoulder, just in time for us to move out of the way for Julie and shut the door against the cold.

"It's not so bad." She stomps the mud from her feet onto the doormat, carefully shaking the rain from her hair. She's telling the truth: she doesn't even have goosebumps on her leanly muscled arms. I, on the other hand, have to cross my arms over my chest to block out the rush of chill, burrowing myself deeper into my sweater. "How've you been, Charlie?" she asks politely, sliding her hands into her pockets.

"Can't complain," he answers, but he's glancing at me. Julie, seemingly unaware of the simmering awkwardness, looks down at me again.

"Did you shrink, Swan? Weren't you at least five foot the last time I saw you?" she teases.

I feel Charlie tense slightly behind me, but for a moment my old instincts return and I roll my eyes. "I haven't changed. You're the one who looks like she's been putting Miracle-Gro on her Wheaties."

Julie grins again, running one hand through her damp hair. "I blend it into protein shakes, actually," she retorts.

Something that feels like a smile tugs at my mouth. I'm surprised by how little it hurts.

"Let me, uh, go grab that stuff for you." The words have barely left Charlie's mouth before he vanishes upstairs.

For a moment, I panic - I can't sustain small talk with my mom on the phone anymore, much less a girl I barely know. I shift from one foot to the other. The fog in my head won't clear. I can't think of anything to ask her.

If Julie notices my empty nervousness, she doesn't seem affected by it. She leans her shoulder against the doorframe, looking down at me with a crooked smile.

"So what do you pale-faces do for fun up here?" she says, a teasing roughness to her voice.

I lift one shoulder in a shrug. I hadn't done anything fun since -

My brain slammed the door shut before I could count the days.

"That's fair," she says, as though I answered. "There's not much to do around here, if you don't go in for some variety on going out in the woods to bring a bunch of dead animals back with you."

"I heard that!" Charlie yells from upstairs. Something bangs on the floor: I spare a small prayer that he doesn't break anything in his charade.

Julie's smile widens easily to a full grin. I've never seen anyone like her: when she smiles, her entire body lifts, like she's seconds from bursting into light. She runs one hand through her long hair. "Can't get mad if it's true," she calls back at him. "Not that the rez is much better. Oh, you don't want to hear the tribe's histories again? You don't want to go to the same stretch of beach and stare at the ocean? How about drinking a bunch of cheap beer in the woods? No? Guess you're out of luck."

My old instincts take over again and I snort out a laugh. "I thought the Forks kids invented standing around drinking Natty Light in silence."

"Nah. That's an old Quileute tradition." Julie rolls her shoulders, wincing slightly as she flexes her muscles. The rain is starting to evaporate off her skin already. The only moisture left clings to the hollow at the base of her neck, the dip in her collarbones, the curve of her elbow. I wonder briefly how she manages to dry off so quickly. My hands are still damp with melting flecks of ice.

"We really do steal everything." The words come out of my mouth automatically; I'm not really paying attention. The part of my brain that keeps me alive is nearly smoking at the effort of keeping the thought of cold hands and icy lips from crashing to the forefront of my mind.

"Which is why they send me up here to steal away the hearts of your women," Julie says with a wink. She isn't acknowledging the monumental effort it's taking me to stay functional. But the quick sweep of her eyes across my face, the practiced ease of her smile, are all a little too careful - she's noticed, but she isn't commenting. From anyone else it would seem like discomfort: from her, it's a kindness.

"From what I hear, you don't have any problems with that on the rez, either." Charlie reappears with a few fishing poles and a jacket that I'm sure is his. I was there when Mom bought it for him one Christmas.

Julie lifts one shoulder in an acquiescing shrug. "It's in the Black genes. We're a long, proud line of very attractive people."

"Just what every father wants to hear." Charlie grins and hands over the poles and jacket. "You, uh, heading back to the rez?"

"Yeah, I've got some work to do on the Rabbit. I'm not saying I heard Dad on the phone trying to talk Hawkins into finding me a new transmission, but I am saying Christmas is coming up and she is nowhere near close to transmission transplant ready." That broad, easy smile softens Julie's face again.

"Don't suppose you'd feel like trying to teach Bella here a thing or two about engines, would you? Every time she has to call me to change a tire I feel like I've failed as a dad." Charlie's casual almost-joke doesn't fool either of us, by the look on Julie's face. I feel Charlie's eyes dart over to me, but I stare out the window past Julie's arm. I feel myself sliding - out of the conversation, out of the kitchen, out of the entire morning. I don't make plans anymore. I don't go places anymore. What the hell is Charlie doing?

"Thinking about taking shop as an elective next semester?" Julie tosses the question back to me. I don't look at her, but I shake my head. Like before, she takes my silence as a response, letting it slip into the flow of conversation as easily as if I'd spoken. "I didn't really take you for a mechanic type."

"I don't really know what type I am," I say. I see Charlie's face fall slightly, and my stomach with it. He thought he was doing good. He thought I was getting better. He tried so hard. "But I could give mechanic-type a shot." An uncharacteristically broad smile lifts Charlie's face before I even register the words that came out of my mouth.

What the fuck, Swan.

Julie laughs and stretches her arms over her head. It feels like she takes up the entire kitchen, though I can't decide if it's her physical size or just her energy, if she'd fill up a room the same way if she was the same size as Al-

"I can probably teach her how to at least change a tire," Julie interrupts the dangerous thought before my self-preservation can get to it, like she saw the pain coming.

"Great!" Charlie's almost beaming now. My face flushes slightly: I didn't think I had the capacity to be embarrassed anymore, but when your dad is practically wriggling like a puppy over the thought of you leaving the house, embarrassment manages to find its way back in. "You girls have fun. Just bring her home before midnight, huh?"

"I always do," Julie says and tosses her hair over her shoulder. I feel the flush on my face warm a little more. I don't bother trying to understand why.

#twilight #twilight is gay now #lesbian jacob black #college au #fanfiction #fanfic #twilight fanfic #I'm just occupying my time writing sad gay shit #text

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engelkeijsers · 4 years

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Hey please don't drown yourself, I'm here to help keep you occupied! I love rankings so please rank your top 10 scenes in the whole skamverse! 😊❤️

tw: suicide mention;

i was so confused when i read "don't drown yourself", cause i totally didn't connect the dots and wondered for a hot minute where did you get that idea from. then i read the tags from my previous posts again and i noticed i said "i'm gonna be downing myself again" or something like that, so you just misread baby ❤ don't worry, i'm not suicidal or anything (i mean, i have the toughts but i don't think i could actually do it and even if so, it definitely wouldn't be by drowning myself). but thank you so much, it's really nice to know that someone actually cares, i love you 🥺🥰 and by downing myself i meant like lying in my bed for a few days and just crying and sleeping, so like nothing very serious really

ranking;

at the start i just want to say that this was one of the hardest things i did lately (it took me about an hour (and another hour to write it all down in here) lmao talk about devotion to a show). i decided not to include españa, since i still haven't finished and felt like it would be unfair to include it until i do :/

(but if i did include it, in the ranking there would be also clips like: when nora cheered eva after she broke up with jorge, lucas spotting cris kissing joana on her party and going 👁👄👁 while cris is just like 🥰🤷, cris coming out to amira and the "photo", the girls being there for eva after the meme shit started happening and cris being ready to FIGHT after she found out it was viri who took the picture) 👀👀

my top 10 skamverse scenes:

1) evak's first kiss; the most iconic thing to ever happen, the absolute blueprint of every other s3 remake made. i've watched this scene a lot of times and i still go 😮😪 every time i rewatch it. the power that that has-

2) hotel clips in wtfock's season 3; no, i'm not talking about the shower scene. i'm talking about what happened after that. i know they're actually like two (or even three) seperate clips, but they carry the same thing so i decided to get them together for this ranking. i appreciate henrik and his acting in the og really much, but willem ds absolutely killed it. the first time i watched these scenes i was like holy shit the whole time, cause he was just incredible. the eye movements, the lip trembling, the feeling of wanting to escape your own body; he nailed it all

3) wtfock's o helga natt and minute by minute scene; i love how they decided to mix these two clips from the og and make it one. the whole scene was just amazing; the music, the acting, everything about it. not gonna lie, i sobbed the whole time

4) evak's parallel universes talk; again, the og took something as simple as a talk between two people in love, just speaking what they're thinking at the moment and made it so iconic, intimate and fragile. the way they joked a little and kissed, being all goofy with each other and then with the time, the scene became more and more serious. i love it with my whole heart, so great

5) ralph opening liv's laptop and seeing the "was i drugged" page; spectacular, show stopping, amazing, wonderful- that's all i can say. this clip just got me by my guts and decided to never let go. before i watched the season i told myself i wouldn't cry, not this time (while watching a noora's season i always break at some point and i decided not today satan). well, it was going well, really well actually. and i didn't cry. well, not until this clip came. it was just perfect; the acting from both of them was really really great, the whole thing was just wow

6) martino's coming out to gio; i have no idea how many times i actually watched this clip, but it's definitely a lot. i love the whole thing; martino waiting until elia and luca left gio alone, martino coming up to gio and asking what he was doing later and if he wanted to come to his place and hang out, them playing fifa, giovanni knowing something was up and waiting patiently until marti was ready to share, non è una ragazza, gio goofing around asking if it's him and letting martino know it's all okay, him pausing the game and immediately knowing who martino was talking about... i am soft and crying, your honor. "it's the guy that gave you my headphones at the gym" it wasn't a question, he knew it was the guy. then after martino explained the whole thing, gio grabbing him by the neck as always and that way letting him know they can be physical with each other just like before and him being gay doesn't change anything. i'm getting tears in my eyes just by thinking about this scene, it's just perfect

7) the bench talk & share the love clip; yes, another skam italia one. ones, actually. i tried to pick one, i really did, but i just couldn't. they are both amazing (in different ways) and both deserve this place in the ranking

8) eva's break up speach in the og; do i even have to say anything? she was amazing and i was so proud of her at that moment. you go queen, i'm by your side

9) zoë telling the girls what has happened between her and senne's brother; from all the remakes i watched, this one grabbed my heart the most. i loved how all the girls had different reactions; yasmina was furious, clenching her fists and that "if he did anything to you, i swear-", jana being just genuinely sad and crying for her... i admit, i cried with her

10) the spectrum clip in skam italia; if you don't get which one it was – it was the one in which ele asked edo to stay and say they were made for each other (or something like that, i don't remember the exact words) and him just leaving her there (and eventually coming back). the music did a lot, but giancarlo and benedetta's acting bought me completely there. i cry every time i watch it

i've made also a list if honorable mentions for myself (so i wouldn't feel bad about the clips i left out frim here lmao), but you asked about the top 10, so here it is! thank you again for the question ❤

#answered #skam + remakes #skam og #skam italia #wtfock #skam nl #tw suicide mention

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