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automatismoateo · 5 years

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I think that I'm going to kill myself via /r/atheism

Submitted March 17, 2019 at 04:50AM by -SENDHELP- (Via reddit https://ift.tt/2TaZ1MT) I think that I'm going to kill myself

Edit for anyone reading this post: I've read some replies and calmed down. I think I'm going to be fine. Life is just shit pretty much but it'll be over soon. I'll be able to get out and I think that I can do it. What doesn't kill you makes you stronger, right?

This will be a long post. I'm sorry.

I just can't do it anymore, I can't deal with them for three more years it's too fucking much. I just need to fucking say something because I'm shaking and crying and I can't do it anymore.

My parents are super bullheaded. They do what they want and never listen to people or logic. I've spent the last three years of my life learning about and saving my money that I FUCKING EARNED to build and upgrade my computer. It's the only way I can talk to my friends and it's the only way I can have any fun, because I live in southern fucking Mississippi and I have issues overheating so I can't exactly go outside very often. This computer is my whole fucking life. If I didn't have my computer, I would have nothing but a roof over my head and a bed to sleep in.

I have issues getting sick. I get sick a lot. A few weeks ago I missed over 2 weeks of school from the flu (my mom is partially antivax and this was the first year I convinced her to let me get the flu shot- it sadly didn't do well for me) and pneumonia. The school I go to gives an absurd amount of work and people will literally come into school WITH THE FLU because they can't afford to miss a day. It's that fucking wacked. At one point a third of the school had the flu, people were walking around with masks like it was China or some shit.

This was the second time I've missed a large portion of school. The first was when I spent over two weeks in a psych ward because I was going to kill myself because of my parents. This understandably means that I have a metric fucking assload of homework to do and my teachers all enter zeroes until it's all turned in. I never have time in class to make things up like tests and before and after school I have to take the bus because of my crazy ass schedule and I don't have time there either. The third quarter ended last week and I had just finished turning stuff in for the second. It's fucking insane.

SO, my wonderful logical parents had taken my computer away 99% of the time because of my "low" grades and would not accept any explanation except I'm just lazy. This means that for 18 fucking weeks now I've barely been able to talk to my friends or do fucking ANYTHING to destress or unwind.

My grades have been going up recently because I've been spending almost every waking hour and fucking breath of air doing work and emailing teachers and organizing etc. I have all As and Bs, a C and a D right now. They were thinking about letting me have more computer time because of (you'll drop your damn jaw at this) how proud they are still the initiative that I'm taking and how responsible I'm being. 30 seconds later they say the computer has to come out of my room (which I've spent hours organizing to make it fit my computer and I can have this cozy cubby that helps me relax and calm down and I've also spent money making it nicer) because IM FUCKING LAZY AND NOT MATURE ENOUGH TO HAVE A COMPUTER IN MY ROOM. what the fuck????

So all this happens and we've cooled off etc, and I've finished moving 99% of my stuff back downstairs. (I say back because just a few months ago it was downstairs for their same fake bullshit reasons) the table downstairs is too small. It won't fit everything that I need. My dad goes to the attic and gets a table out except it's so fucking short that it creates this pocket of hot air with where the wall is and my desk and it'll overheat my PC and also just looks ugly as shit and will cause way more dog hair and dirt to get in my PC.

This is where the part comes in that's got me crying and questioning if I can really keep doing this. My parents know that I'm an atheist. They're die hard Catholics. I was arguing with my parents trying to explain all of the issues that that would cause and they weren't trying to help at ALL and eventually just fucking walked out of the room and started watching Netflix. Like seriously how immature (spelling?) can they fucking be?

So I've gone in where they are to continue trying to get this fixed and we're arguing more and my dad threatened to stick my computer in a box and get rid of it. This is not okay. That computer like I said is all that I have. I have nothing else physically that matters, really. He said that and I said, knowing that it's pretty much the only thing that will make him say anything, "well then I guess I'll just sell my everlasting soul to the devil or something" (which is really fucking stupid to say but I was literally saying it to hold my "soul" hostage to make him not even think about trying to get rid of the computer)

And here it is: his reply was a snark and then, "you have no soul." This man believes in souls. He believes that everyone has a soul. He just said that I don't have a soul and he was dead fucking serious. He literally said that I'm so fucking low that I don't matter to anything. This man is supposed to be my father. Less than twenty fucking seconds later he had the AUDACITY to lecture me on being rude and not being a proper good person. I called him out on it. He did a fucking 720° in that convo and completely changed the topic fucking Sarah Huckabee Sanders style.

After that some other stuff happened and I went back and talked to my mom who was just sitting on the couch browsing Facebook without s fucking care in the world. This is how the conversation went:

Me: "You knew exactly what he meant when he said I have no soul. Exactly." Her: "well you shouldn't have been so rude." Me: "are you seriously lecturing me on being rude when he said something like that to his son and you just sat there and watched?" Her: it was unexcusable but-" I cut her off because this is the point when I start tearing up and shaking Me: "inexcusable? That was beyond inexcusable. You sitting there doing nothing while he said that was beyond inexcusable." She never replied. I left the room to go move more computer stuff.

A little bit later I looked at her and asked her for help moving a really big table. She refused and continued to browse Facebook. Less than five minutes later she asked why I wasnt helping my dad move other desk stuff (tldr after him lecturing me on English after the morality lecture I finally got him to at least help me move my desk downstairs so that I would have room to put my things on) and I replied, "Are you actually asking me why I'm not helping when less than five minutes ago you refused to help me move this table less than 10 feet?"

She scoffed and went upstairs and said to my dad "we need to talk about this." Etc.

At this point I the tears were fucking ROLLING down my face and I was barely keeping it together in the chair I sat down in and I thought to myself what the fuck would it matter if I killed myself? So here I am. Suicidal as fuck. Crying. Alone. Fuck life. No loving God created a life like this. This is a fucking living hell and I can't take it anymore.

#reddit

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