#I'm a goddam teenager. I work a minimum wage job part time. I cant.
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#I failed 2 consecutive college sems. I got the credits but my gpa was too low both times#I'm still on my first financial aid grant and idk if I have to pay it back now that I'm on suspension#I dont even have the money to pay back what was left after financial aid.#My family has made it very clear that I have no support from them if this happened and it did.#I'm a goddam teenager. I work a minimum wage job part time. I cant.#Everythime someone failing college came up they would say how stupid they were and what a waste of space and that I better not be like them#After I left HS my dad didn expect me to go to college and explained I would have to buy my own insurance and whatnot#Anytime I tried to bring it up with my mom she would coldly tell me I better not fail or else.#I did everything. I went to the classes. I took the notes. I did the tests. No drugs. No partying. I still. Fucking. Failed.#I was stressed all the time. My sister pointed it out and all my mom said was that I had no reason to be stressed out it was stupid#I obviously cant expect support from those people much less tell them I failed twice.#I didn't expect to even get this far. I might have mental illness. Since it takes a million years just to get an appointment that *might*#*or just maybe* get me a referral to an evaluation I'll never know.#Anything I get from my family is completely conditional. My dad treats me like a stray dog.#I've considered suicide to not drown my family in debt since the grant dies with the user but they laugh at suididers#If I Kms-ed I would get ridicule beyond the grave and no prayers. Its sick and twisted. It almost amuses them to th think about.#If I tried and failed that it would be even worse.#I'm only holding it out bc these assholes come from super religious families and would probably condemn my soul upon hearing the news#Like...the last girl in out family to not follow their views was totally outcast and still shunned and shamed today#I can only hope that some horrible accidenttakes me out of the picture or that my brain damage is so bad that I'm forgiven from it#Even if the only damage is that I have to skip a semester my family wont take it well and my ass is still on the line#I cant fucking tell anyone (irl) anything. I cant trust any of them. I cant rely on any of them. I hate it.#I am beyond trapped. Theres no way out of any of this.
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