#I know I never post but thats because I have extreme executive dysfunction | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

adhbabey · 4 years

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hi im 17 and have been diagnosed with depression, anxiety, Dissociative amnesia & regular extreme 'freeze' responses.

I saw a councilor last year to treat and diagnosis above conditions after suffering 2 years of trauma *mother related* and not being able to function in my life I moved at the start of this year from Sydney (im Australian) to the country im doing my HSC in 2021 (high school test to get into uni) and ive been self treating my self diagnosed ADHD, Im going to see a psychiatrist (been on the wating list for a while as i wanted to see someone with experience in my issues) and want to know how to bring up the fact im 95% sure i have ADhD.

IM 17 and have been a 'gifted' student all my life but last year i couldnt handle it and dissoated fro 16 days... i have no memory of this but the fam says i lay down naked in my wardobe under piles of clothes and wouldnt respond to most stimuli even when water was dumped on me...

I have ->

extreme symptoms of all aspects of

Habits, Executive Dysfunction and Disorganization

Stimulation and Stimming

Time Blindness

Working Memory, Inattention and Object Permanence

Executive Dysfunction

Hyperfixation and Emotional Hyperarousal

Delayed Sleep Phase Syndrome

Inattention(Dissociation) and Hyperfocus

....

Emotional Dysregulation ->

to an extent i go long period of feeling numb then feeling 'normally?' (like im not manic but idk)-> idt this applies to this

disfucntion

Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria (RSD)

All of these but im not sure what is due to depression and what is due to limited negative feed back inmy life, like if someone i dont know insults me im not bother but if someone i respect/like does it haunts me for years, i still remeber the first time i got a B in graphic detail and why

"Money Blindness" and Impulsivity

im unemployed -> full time student, but i do work in the holidays and i spend it on stuff i want, i buy everything thrifted but causeof this sometimes i regret prucahses and cant retern item, i also often spend my cash on food i dont need ...

i regret most purcases even if they are 'good' but ive never be fourced to live alone and pay my own bills-> i often bring homecooked food ot party's etc instead of cash for alchol etc

Boundaries, RSD, and Volume Control

i get told the volume thing a lot but i also wear headphones alot -> constantly listening to music or audobooks/podcast at x1.5-x4 speed.

I think im pretty good at understanding other people but i cant make myself react... like i catch myself thinking things i know aint true but i still interalise them?

I can talk a stanger and theyll love me but if i cant talk to a classmate/aquatence for the life of me beyond correcting them

e.g. girl in my econ class ive dmed quite a bit but i can never makemyelf talk to her inclasss-> this has been going on for a year and she has invited me to

fun extra-> i dont in on hair but thats cause im queer

*also a socialist very anticapitalistnothing to do with anything but i wanted to say it...

Oh boy!!! Someone with ADHD and a dissociative disorder! Now this is more nuanced than a regular ADHD diagnosis!

I have OSDD-1b, Other Specified Dissociative Disorder. It is caused by Childhood Complicated Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (C-PTSD), aka long lasting childhood trauma. This is similar to DID, Dissociative Identity Disorder.

First off, you definitely sound like you have DID or OSDD-1a as that is a dissociative disorder which you experience dissociative amnesia.

Secondly, the paralysis and the no response to stimuli is called catatonia, and usually is a sign of stress. I recommend watching this video to learn more.

And having time feeling numb and then normal emotions is a sign of your dissociative disorder. So what I will ask you is this:

Do you often dissociate after experiencing intense emotions or reactions?

Do you then switch to a lighter emotion when you've dissociated for a while?

Do you experience a complicated relationship with your emotions?

Do you feel like you can turn them off some days and other days you're very intense?

I do think you have ADHD, but be sure to bring up the fact that your dissociation and times seeming unresponsive on the outside is not due to symptoms of ADHD. Also your relation to emotions may seem different because of your dissociative disorder.

#babey asks #adhd #dissociative disorder

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donotresuscitatetrampstamp · 4 years

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looking at vent posts i made like 2 weeks ago is so weird because i was at my lowest point so far in my life, it’s weird how i can go from despair so bad that i didn’t think i would make it through the night to like.... fine for the most part emotionally. its pmdd for sure bc it happens mostly before my period but it happens sometimes just randomly so idk. im still confused by the bipolar 2 diagnosis i got in the hospital when i was 13 bedroom it was literally never brought up again. i definitely have (hypo?) manic episodes too, especially in january-early march i was back and forth manic and depressed with really no breaks in between. and idek if its really bipolar, i’ll have 1-3 day extreme depressive episodes usually before my period (but like i said sometimes its not near my period) then i’ll snap out of it and then be either like fine or extremely happy and optimistic and then that’ll fizzle out after a day or 2 and i’ll be normal, not depressed but not happy either. almost numb, i’ll be really tired and unmotivated and not get out of bed and just watch youtube videos but that’s probably bc of executive dysfunction or whatever idk. for sure i know i have adhd, odd, ptsd from a dysfunctional and borderline abusive childhood and its funny because that’s pretty much whats said on my medical record lol, mild social anxiety (it used to be severe until i got prescribed prozac 2 years ago and buspar has helped a bit too since starting it last year), and thats all i know i have for sure. i think im too young to be diagnosed with bpd but i have almost all the symptoms and my mood swings sound more like bpd and not bipolar because they can happen at the drop of a hat (going from fine to angry/sad then back to fine) but also its more like bipolar where i’ll have days at a time where im depressed and days to weeks at a time where im manic/fine so idk!!! im so confused about my mental health and it’s embarrassing and hard for me to talk about it to my psychiatrist mostly because i forget to even bring this stuff up, my mind is always racing bro. i think i might have aspd too which is like..... so cringe that i literally refuse to even consider talking to my psychiatrist about 😹

#depression #pmdd #bipolar #bipolar 2 #mania #bpd #idk what da hale is wrong wit me

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indig0tea · 3 years

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Final 2020 Update: 2021 Goals!!

Cross posting from my devART

Also links to all my alts and shit will be at the end of the post if you need them!

So some of these may be unrealistic due to my struggles with ADHD/Depression Combo but. I wanted to get these down somewhere so you guys can see them and be aware..

Please note, my executive functioning abilities are absolutely Butchered on the regular by my ADHD alone, and the various stressors of 2020 have absolutely taken anything else I might have had in that department and tossed it out the window.

Something something something, financial stressors outside of my control sends me into shut down mode and I can't do anything productive or even fun until it's handled, but because I'm not doing anything productive, I'm not making any money, and the stressors gets worse and worse and it just ends up in a horrible cycle where I constantly want to die because I'm not able to create anything to relieve the stress! Which is why you've all seen... pretty much a standstill on my productivity save one or two pieces a month if I'm lucky

That said, I'm going to start trying (hopefully with some outside help/accountability to keep me on track while I'm unmedicated) to put a system in place that doesn't make me constantly want to die while like. maybe actually getting stuff done! So I'm making some optimistic goals for 2021 regarding both my art and ability to make money, so here goes!

I'm breaking this down into 3 parts:

Changes to expect regarding my social media, commissions in general, posting, etc;

Overall Goals for 2021;

and Goals for January specifically.

Changes to expect going forward from here:

I'm going to be making some changes regarding my social media accounts, including this one, mostly concerning when, where, and how I'm posting.

I am also going to be making some changes to my commission policies, prices, and payments in the coming year, namely:

Lastly, I will be making some changes to my art discord server!

Moving forward, I am going to be MOST active on my twitter and tumblr accounts. They're just easier for me to maintain in general, and although I hate twitter's formatting, it's just easier and faster, and frankly after deviantART and Instagram fucked with their websites/algorithms, it just makes the most sense for me as an artist.

I'm also going to be making an effort to make scheduled cross-posts on all my accounts. In the past, I've been really irregular about when and where I post things (most things got posted to my old tumblr account but never here, i rarely remember to post to instagram, etc).

This is going to include commission slots, finished piece dumps, etc.

I will also be making an effort to semi-regularly post sketch dumps, both digitial and traditional. I am also considering at this time offering a monthly digital download of my sketch collections, though I am undecided as I'm not really sure how many people would be interested.

Increasing commissions prices to reflect time spent working on specific commission types, as well as my personal cost of living.

Planning and announcing commission slots in advance.

Taking and finishing regular commissions to cover living expenses on a monthly basis

Payments will be exclusively through paypal invoice, and will be broken up in halves: first half will be taken up front after I have started and given proof of start (base sketch), the second half will be paid after completion, with WIPS given between first and second payment. Fully completed art will be given after receipt of second half. This is both for my personal protection as an artist, as well as for the comfort of the commissioner as my completion time can sometimes be long due to my ADHD/executive dysfunction.

Moving forward into 2020, my discord will be SFW, but 18+ only. This is a personal comfort thing. I'm 25 years old now, and just really don't want to spend time hanging out with teenagers.

I'm also going to start trying to schedule art streams again! Since this is the only place I can live stream due to my art computer's limitations, it just makes sense to like. Schedule them so more people are able to attend. I haven't decided exactly how that's going to look, but once I have I'm going to make an announcement and formatting guide somewhere for people to see so they can make an informed decision about joining the server.

I will also be regularly posting in the server again. This may or may not be cross posts from twitter and such, we'll see, but I DO plan on being more active there since it's been kind of dead.

I may also reformat the whole server again. We'll see!

Goals for 2021

Regular Adopt Sets -- 2-3 per month. Size, price, and number in set will be decided on case by case basis.

I'll be doing a monthly prompt for myself as well. This is just to get me back in the habit of creating things I like for myself to just feel... less bad about my art in general, and about making art. Also it'll be good for my artistic development i think?

Keeping a monthly sketchbook for warm-ups and in-between pieces. May be offered as a paid download at the end of the month, we'll see.

Might start a patreon? This is EXTREMELY dependent on what my userbase looks like. Tiers and rewards to be decided at a later date

Regular traditional sketches + scan and upload of said sketches. May also be offered in the monthly sketchbook.

Draw more self portraits & self-expression pieces! I don't know if any of yall realize how repressed I've been in the last year without therapy, and I did't either until I forced myself to pursue a vent piece earlier this month, and then felt immensely better afterward so. Going to start doing that! Maybe I'll feel better weee

Regular posting to social media! (see changes above)

Drawing less fantrolls bc I'm just bleh about them lately, drawing more original content!

Drawing fancontent that ISN'T homestuck? We'll see but I'd like to. I don't usually draw fan art bc like. Idk in my mind I don't feel like my interpretation of things is important or cool and I think thats a confidence thing and I'd like to change that so! I'm gonna start making more fan content.

Draw more full illustrations & backgrounds in general because I actually enjoy doing them it turns out?

Practice painting more !! Both traditionally and digitally....

Goals for January 2021

Finish at LEAST 1/4 of my art queue. I'm shooting for half, really, because fully completing it might actually kill me but! We'll see! Maybe I'll surprise myself. But I'm setting the goal low to keep my mental health problems in mind.

Finish and release the base set i've been working on, on and off. It's an homage to the old pixel doll days of 2009-2012, and the full sheet will be free to use (with stipulations, as I have some people blocked that I don't want using it). BUT! There will also be a mix and match .psd that will be pay to use (it'll be pay to use a, bc it'll be huge, and b, bc the edits to make it mix and match results in like 6 seperate bases in general so.... yeah. pay to use)

Finish the pay-to-use base pack i started in june (i may scrap and restart though, we'll see)

Possibly release all old p2u bases of mine in one pack on gumroad? price tbd but it will include old iterations as well as unreleased remakes.

Making some dainty-specific bases! One will be f2u, one will be p2u.

I have a whole dainty YCH set for january! I just have to finish the example... (:

Perhaps I'll be announcing a collaborative project later in the month! It depends on where each of us are at, at the time! We'll see! (: You should be excited though! It'll be a ton of fun!

EXTERNAL LINKS

Instagram

Twitter

Tumblr

deviantART

Discord server

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handsmotif · 5 years

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hello! i'm thinking about writing a character that has adhd, but the show doesn't represent them well at all. I was wondering if you had any pointers of what not to do, as well as maybe what to do? if you dont want to that's completely okay but i wanted to personally ask someone with adhd rather than just google it (which i'm gonna do as well) thank you!

okay well first thing i can say, it took me a few days to reply to this because i did Not have the spoons to type out a very good response so thats like. one of the first things you should keep in mind. i’ll make a nice bulleted list for easier reading

there aren’t very many grey areas with ADHD

what this means basically is that many people with ADHD have a “now or never” approach to things, where you’re either EXTREMELY FOCUSED to do something but ONLY FOR A MINUTE SO YOU NEED TO CHASE THAT MOTIVATION or else it’s gone forever

but once you get into The Groove. when The Groove hits. you will only be able to focus on that one thing for hours and hours and you’ll forget to eat or go pee. until hours later and you finally awake from your hyperfocus and you’re like holy FUCK im about to piss myself and i will pass out if i dont eat something right now

poor prioritization and ability to focus

if you’re tasked with like. something that NEEDS to be done. good luck buddy. because, why would you want to do something that holds no actual interest to you, when you could do something that you enjoy instead?

executive dysfunction fucking sucks bro

“i need to get up and shower before work. please i smell so bad and my hair is really greasy i’m going to be miserable if i don’t shower. i’m running out of time i’m going to be rushing to get ready if i wait any longer. please stop just laying there staring at your phone. please please please oh fuck i’m crying now because i couldn’t just get up and take care of myself”

it’s essentially like trying to tell a very stubborn toddler what to do

poor emotional regulation and rejection sensitive dysphoria

small inconveniences and even the slightest disapproval from anyone can set off a panic attack

i guess with like. people who dont have ADHD, it’s easier for them to process their emotions? but those of us with sexy bitch disease dont have that ability until it’s too late and we’re straight up sobbing because someone said something that might imply that they were upset with you

a lot of us tend to either have no verbal filter or a very carefully constructed filter

or both! you can just blurt out whatever it is you’re thinking right now, or you can take your time and over explain things because you want to make 100% sure that nobody is going to misinterpret you

messy messy messy

messy room messy schedule messy work areas... everything is a mess! but you know exactly where to find everything in the mess

except when you dont! we tend to lose things often, and often in ridiculous places

as far as like... things to avoid?? don’t infantilize us. we can be immature sometimes but we aren’t Stupid Baby Cinnamon Rolls lmfao

also like. hmm

a lot of people with ADHD tend to get told theyre “trying too hard” to be funny or to fit in or whatever but it’s because we were told from a young age that we were annoying people so we learned to be funny instead lol thats why a lot of like, funny internet personalities and celebrities tend to have ADHD

i can’t think of anything else right now but if i do i’ll reblog it to this post

#adhd tag #Anonymous

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gooeyguy · 7 years

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email to my teacher (warning alot of personal stuff)

Hey so, sorry to email you out of nowhere like this? But i feel like maybe im finally at a point where i can explain more thoroughly why im having trouble with school or just succeeding in general. I think its really important that i tell you some of this junk because theres a chance it might make the rest of the year easier for you and me.

I wanted to start off with apologizing for all the trouble ive caused you throughout the year with the annoying comments, disruptions and backtalk. And most of all the terrible ability i have with doing and turning in work.

This email is mostly to explain my situation and reasoning for acting/struggling the way i have been (not to annoy you or be sarcastic).

Alright so, if you havent noticed i struggle with some things and one of them i never really bring up is ptsd. I have been diagnosed and im hoping to enlighten you on my specific issues with it, (everything i mention will apply to me as to make it less confusing from here on)

I have a specific type of ptsd called Complex post-traumatic stress disorder (C-PTSD; also known as complex trauma) This type of ptsd is different in that it results from repetitive, prolonged trauma. My causes for being diagnosed are specifically natural-detachment from my mother and physical/sexual abuse growing up and some other things im not going to mention.

My side effects from this are,

Attachment – "problems with relationship boundaries, lack of trust, social isolation, difficulty perceiving and responding to other's emotional states, and lack of empathy"

This is strongly linked to my reactive attachment disorder and explains alot to why i am the way i am. Heres a link to a website http://www.webmd.com/mental-health/mental-health-reactive-attachment-disorder#1 that explains a bit of what it is so that i do not have to make this already long email that much longer, i would also really appreciate it if you read even just a little.

I have an extreme lack of trust in others and am constantly doubting myself, there is not a second of the day where i dont think im a horrible person, i could be doing better, im disgusting to look at ect. The social isolation is a big problem for me, because im “this way” i feel that bothering others with my presence/problems/medical difficulties ect. is not necessary and for the better. Hence why i refrain from asking when i really need help, im scared to bother you. I dont want to make you angry and i know you and mrs mumford are already so stressed by the time my bell starts.

Biology – "sensory-motor developmental dysfunction, sensory-integration difficulties, somatization, and increased medical problems"

This ties into my Fibromyalgia and eds which ill explain more about after i go through ptsd. Its all kind of one big mixed bag of disorders that tie together and make me the way i am.

Affect or emotional regulation – "poor affect regulation, difficulty identifying and expressing emotions and internal states, and difficulties communicating needs, wants, and wishes"

Like i talked about before i feel extremely useless and annoying when asking for help or even talking about the things i enjoy. And when trying to explain my difficulties i stop midsentence or forget words/forget what my problem is and it becomes frustrating.

Dissociation – "amnesia, depersonalization, discrete states of consciousness with discrete memories, affect, and functioning, and impaired memory for state-based events"

THIS is what i blame for never being able to remember anything. With fibromyalgia i have whats called “brain fog” and with the constant dream like state im in because of dissociation it makes my memory absolutely terrible. Remembering your names in class took me until almost 3rd quarter and it was utterly embarrassing(i still forget sometimes), its even more embarrassing when i forget basic buttons on the calculator and have to ask in front of everyone looking like an idiot.Or when i try to shout out an answer in class and it comes out gibberish because my mind is everywhere all at once, Or when we have a test on the formula we learned a week ago, and of course my mind draws a blank. I cant remember, and it makes me so frustrated with myself that i want to break down right there in class. It renders me doing weird things too, like the other day i put the icecream in the bread drawer, and on sunday i woke up and got ready for school. Theres alot of other things i could say but its as if fibro is laughing in my face.

Dissociation in my own words is feeling like nothing is real, things dont feel like they happened. What does feel real is the pain/feeling in my body, i am a very anxious and jumpy person so im very sensitive to loud sounds/touch/weather and certain (triggering) talk among students. And yet i still feel in a daze,My vision will sometimes blur and i am very prone to falling/accidents, staying focused can be extremely frustrating because my brain feels like a cloud, its almost uncontrollable like a dream. I dont think anyone can control those very much so i think its a good example.

Behavioural control – "problems with impulse control, aggression, pathological self-soothing, and sleep problems"

Im pretty okay with impulses, i of course have alot of very impulsive thoughts but i am good at controlling them id say, same with aggression but i very much so struggle with sleep problems because of nightmares from ptsd and chronic pain from fibro, i have not been diagnosed with insomnia but im sure i fit the criteria im just really bad at opening up with doctors/people ect.

These are just a couple more symptoms to help explain,

Cognition – "difficulty regulating attention, problems with a variety of "executive functions" such as planning, judgement, initiation, use of materials, and self-monitoring, difficulty processing new information, difficulty focusing and completing tasks, poor object constancy, problems with "cause-effect" thinking, and language developmental problems such as a gap between receptive and expressive communication abilities."

Self-concept – "fragmented and disconnected autobiographical narrative, disturbed body image, low self-esteem, excessive shame, and negative internal working models of self".

Alterations in relations with others, including isolation and withdrawal, persistent distrust, a repeated search for a rescuer, disruption in intimate relationships and repeated failures of self-protection.

Loss of, or changes in, one's system of meanings, which may include a loss of sustaining faith or a sense of hopelessness and despair.

Variations in consciousness, including forgetting traumatic events (i.e., psychogenic amnesia), reliving experiences (either in the form of intrusive PTSD symptoms or in ruminative preoccupation), or having episodes of dissociation.

Changes in self-perception, such as a chronic and pervasive sense of helplessness, paralysis of initiative, shame, guilt, self-blame, a sense of defilement or stigma, and a sense of being completely different from other human beings

Now that im done explaining the ptsd, Fibromyalgia

Fibromyalgia is a chronic pain disorder that my doctor believes to be linked to my other disorders, Fibromyalgia has to do with the senses we as humans all have, feeling, hearing, taste, and sight. The difference between someone with fibro and an average healthy person is lets say theres a knob for how strong each of these senses are, so imagine someone taking all those knobs and turning them all the way up to max sensitivity. Youd think oh cool youre like a super hero (like my sister likes to say) but no its the exact opposite, it does not benefit me whatsoever. Feeling, paired with ehlers danlos syndrome both my joints and my muscles are constantly in pain and some days ill have what you call a “flare up” which is where getting out of bed usually isnt an option for my body, i cannot remember the last time i didnt feel at least a dull ache in my head, i get migraines at least once everyday and unfortunately i get nauseous so i dont eat very much . Almost everything is irritating to my skin, a simple light rub of my finger on the top of my forearm is irritating and raw feeling (like ive been sitting there rubbing the same spot for hours) /Writing is over all painful, including typing as well/

If youve ever woken up in the morning with sore muscles from pushing yourself too hard the day before,that is how the muscles in my body feel, if you press on them they ache, and sting/burn when i use them. painful touch for most of my body paired with constant anxiety of getting bumped into/touched is stressful and tiring. On a good day my pain scale is a 5 from 1-10 but thats if im really lucky.

Then theres the weather, if im too hot and i start to sweat, the sweat stings my skin and i end up going into a frenzy of scratching and agony. If its too cold my joints will start to lock up and become painful, its like they freeze and when i move them it feels like im shattering ice in my hand mixed with dull muscle ache. If its a good temperature theres still the feeling and i swear, the sound i can hear of my joints grinding together like two pieces of rubber being rubbed against eachother slowly.

Hearing is also bad, loud sounds are very irritating to my ears and will cause my migraine to get worse.(Talking too loud)Other irritating sounds, paper rubbing against paper roughly making that blblblb sound, high pitched noises of any loudness, squeaks, repetitive beeps ect.

Sight wise turning on lights abruptly is painful and makes my migraine worse, any bright light in general.

Taste doesnt really matter so i wont mention, but because these knobs are turned full blast it means the nerves and pain receptors in my body are being over worked constantly by my brain

And my brain thinks its doing its job by constantly acting like ive been running triathalons.

The recollection of pain comes in avalanches of distress for me. I usually experience the intense turmoil of fibromyalgia in the winter, or whenever cold fronts shatter the air and its frail victims. My limbs cannot contain the strength possible to function during those cold spells. Fibromyalgia’s lengthy sentence comes and goes for some, but, as a teenager, it’s disheartening. For the rest of my life, I will never be able to remember living without every waking moment marked by pain.

The abnormality of fibro weighs on my shoulders when I’m asleep, awake, or anywhere inbetween. I wake up at 4:30 each morning in order to be shuffling around by 6:20 a.m. The heaviness of my body pulls me down and pains me as I take a shower, put on my clothes, and put my small backpack on my shoulder to head out to school. Any sense of touch creates extreme levels of pain for me. Touching my arm, poking my leg, and brushing against my back hurt as much as twisting my ankle. My distraught reaction is a lot like a dog crying in pain and distrust after you accidentally step on its paw. Because im always in pain im always right next to the emotional breaking point, im always on the verge of tears. The smallest things can make me break down.

The pain prohibits me from being a teenager. Thanks to fibro, I cannot dress up in my favorite clothes and be what you call “Extra” everyday as i so much wish to be during the winter. My hands are crooked and shake too much usually to apply makeup. I struggle with applying eyeliner, because my hands hurt too much wrapped around a brush. The uncomfortable school chairs make me weep when I return home, because they destroy my concentration, forcing me to focus on the overwhelming pain I feel. I used to excel in school, but now, I can barely think fast enough, and come off as ditzy. I feel like I’m constantly struggling to maintain the fragments of my intelligence I lost due to fibro medication and fibromyalgia itself.

My GPA, became my ball and chain in school, rather than an accomplishment worth sharing. During the year, my schedule is dictated by the weather. Cold weather causes agonizing, excruciating pain that races down my spine and branches through my limbs. If a cold front passes, rain falls, snow falls, or temperatures drop, I freeze like the Tin Man, except there isn’t any oil to move my joints. The way I get sleep should be considered a torture method. Many people feel refreshed or renewed when they wake up after 8 hours, but I feel completely restless and exhausted. And thats if the nightmares from the PTSD dont interrupt. I toss and turn for hours in pain, because the pain signals interrupt the sleep cycle. I cry intensely whenever I think of sleep; school usually means a lack of sleep, but I am further deprived without choice. My biological system cannot allow me to rest, and continues to tense my muscles in a constant state of flight or fight.

With most schools starting at 8 a.m., my body struggles to run on 8 hours of sleep (which really feels like two). The exhaustion prevents me from hanging out with some of my closest friends. In the early stages of having fibromyalgia, I used to be able to do school clubs, hang out with my best friend, and go to cons with my friends often. Now, I spend my time huddled down, trying to make up for the nights of lost sleep. The lack of sleep and the endless pain contribute to extreme depression. And to keep my mood relatively happy i act like a goose in school with friends which doesnt do me good with teachers, I do it to not break down and let myself get too low around others because i know id regret embarrassing myself like that more than anything. The pain yearns for my thoughts to leap toward suicidal thoughts, and I was obsessed with death for years and still am. There was a time when I searched for ways to end my life, because nobody could help me and I couldn’t face living the rest of my life knowing that I’ll always be in pain. I still have these thoughts, and I believe I always will as long as I emit pain. Hence why i was in the hospital for a week recently, the hopelessness and embarrassment is dragging me down. The whole idea of having fibromyalgia embarrasses me. I’m embarrassed that I am constantly being called crippled, disabled, or chronically ill.Or worse not being noticed at all while struggling. I’m embarrassed that fibromyalgia makes me feel like I’m 67 instead of 16. I’m embarrassed that I will never be able to be an artsy beat poet like Patti Smith, or a rock ‘n’ roll guitarist like Keith Richards.

So i think thats as much as i can cover for you right now with my two of my biggest problems , im extremely exhausted and im not joking when i say my fingers feel like they are gonna fall off haha.

Im terribly sorry for how long this email is but i think i got most everything with these two topics in there, also dont feel obliged to reply to this, im already embarrassed i even wrote all this down (terribly).

Quick thing i would like to say before i end the email, with all respect i am not looking for sympathy in any way. I am simply stating the way i am in hopes that if you understand itll make things less stressful for me and you. So dont feel like you have to do anything for me.

Thankyou for reading if you got this far, really. (btw forwarding this to Mrs. m******d is totally okay with me)

#i was up at 2 am writing this #its kinda gross #but it explains so much

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