How about episode 118, huh?

prompt 30, the finale:

because I love me, or if I could see me the way love sees me...

the way I unconditionally loved my cat or fell in love with the love my parents had for each other (#kandrewforlife) or the way I am loving my grandmother so fiercely to make up for lost years, if I could love myself in all these ways, I would gift myself everything. i would buy myself glitter pens and everything on my amazon wishlist or waned wishlist or etsy wishlist, just because i wanted me to have it, even if i would put it all down for a while. i would dye my hair white or get myself a white wig. i would get all the tattoos i dream of having. i would practice winged eye liner and see all the shapes my face can make and not learn to only know this one. i would take my body out of this moldy home and live with a garden and courtyard and pool and plants. i would get a new pillow so my neck wouldn't hurt, and change my sheets to something pretty and loving and soft. i would adopt an animal, maybe become codependent together. i would work on my dreams. i would live my dreams coming true. i would call my friend who i have wanted to call for so long and thank another friend for being in my life since we were two years old and even visit her in europe, where she lives. i would wash my face daily. i would order flower child every day without a care. i would get a vespa to ride away on or even a car to blast music the way we used to when we would go driving to the shore or school. i would invite my dad to come comfort me right now. i would cry in public with no shame. i would tell my heroes i love them. i would take pictures with my friends and have my friends take pictures of me. i wish my friends and family would want to take pictures of me. i would be my own muse. i would say "it's ok that you post on instagram one night begging for support and then want to avoid it fully the next day." i would continue to learn to drive so i could drive myself to the cows or for ice cream or for whatever, wherever, whenever. i would take myself on the road tripand listen to the entire beatles discography, front to back, start to finish. i would buy a new computer to have garageband and make music. i would get a singing coach and guitar and guitar teacher. i would hold myself. i would get a cuddle pillow to hold when i cry because my stuffed animals are very small and hard to hold. i would reach out first to the people i want to reach out to me. i wouldn't give up because i wouldn't want to. i would stop offering people money out of insecurity when i think i owe them my body and time. i would receive gifts and pleasure and joy as easily as i receive pain and shame and punishment. i'd orgasm more and gossip about my own shit less. i would finally buy the canvases so i can paint. i would let go of my idea of scarcity and use my journals that i deem too good for me. i would buy a printer so i can print all the kind things i've been told online. i would buy more art. i'd go to japan, italy, switzerland, france, toronto, mexico, ghana, islands, all over the world. i would build my existence day to day, morning to morning, night to night, as lucas said to. i would share my voice with the world. i would share my songs with my close friends and work on them together. i would perform my poetry and music and make a zine i would stop saying "what am i doing wrong? why does god hate me?" and say "look at what i'm doing well! look at all the things god has to love about me. that i have to love about me." i would buy the overtone colorless $30 hair conditioner. i would stop wearing bras when i can and would get the reduction so my chest wouldn't hurt. i'd probably spend the money on supplements and drink waaay more water than i do. i would act and dance the way i always wanted to. i would only perform on stages and not in my daily life and conversations or writing, nonetheless. i would try everything i wanted to and THEN decide that i don't want to do it anymore. i would jump in the creek, even naked. i would get flip flops so i don't need to wear converse all summer. i would get new converse and heely's. i wouldn't keep checking my phone or the prompt to see if i'm doing it right. i would call the people from my past that i really want to speak to and thank and apologize to. "to live life well because I love myself this much." i would give myself even one thing i wanted. to bless myself after all i have been through.

i would thank them all. thank you Bucky, Grandpa Paul, Uncle Maury, Grandpa George, Mitch, Grandma Judy, Mr. Elder, Hunter, Tim, Mr. Ricci, Ryan, Doug, Dottie, Paul, Lisa Morano, Leelah, Robin Williams, MJ, Mojojojo, Hutchyboy, Daddy Podge. None of you died for me to deserve love and I do not deserve love because I have lost you all. I deserve love for no reason at all, and you all knew that and showed me that the best you could in your owns ways. all incredibly unique. I was conditioned otherwise, because we do the best we can with the information we have at the time. But i know in my truth, it was love you were trying to show me, and love i deserve.

i have been asked to live so many lives in just this one. i am just 22 years old, although i feel like a lost child. i did run away as a kid, but was punished even though i didn't see myself as lost. clash of the cleats weekend. started our family dynamic of concern fairly young. got 16 stitches at age 3 after falling. broke my leg going down the wrong slope, dad closely behind but not close enough. i can still feel the spot it broke. ran away again at 14, first day of school. i didn't like it there or a girl i knew prior to my entry. had the cops restrain me and before that, called emergency services to stop me from dying. self harmed in so many fucking ways. bullied and beaten up. cops called at the ice skating rink. the same one that celebrities posed at. taken advantage of and expelled and ostracized. ran away again to colorado to get help because i finally wanted help. cheated on twice. lost my best friend who was there through all of it, my cat, hutch. lost my dad when things were finally getting really good. the best they'd ever been. i keep a list of all the friends who mattered so much to me before all of this happened but who haven't said anything to me, as if saying nothing and not acknowledging the pain makes it so it isn't real and the pain doesn't need to be seen or acknowledged. i don't thank them for that just yet. i am still angry. love will have me forgive myself for blaming myself for their lack of actions.

love will have me get a hammock and bask in it over a beach. love would have me get the copic markers and lawn chair and snap pea fidget toy and blue contacts and blanket and outdoor blanket and avatar comics and record player and inkbox and sea monkeys and hs "woman" lyric t shirt and devinah eyeshadow and all these things instead of begging others to see me enough to know i want all these things in life and more. love would have me stop praying for a platonic sugar daddy to give me all these things, as if i'd use the money and it'd ever be enough or something i'd feel good about. love would say, "aliya, these things will not fulfill you. you are full and filled. you can have them because you can have them. you are whole and beautiful as you are with all you are and with all you aren't. you are loved if one day you want to have stronger boundaries. you are loved if you stop smiling at the flowers. you are loved while you are breathing. you need to keep breathing. you already know you will be loved long after you stop, do not let that motivate you to leave this earth too soon, too early, before you are ready to. you know the pain that brings, you know how you miss your father. you deserve the freshest coconut juice and the most delicious fruits. you deserve home cooked meals and udon noodles. you deserve anything you fucking want in this world. you deserve to sleep and rest and you hear how tired you are. you deserve to fall in love with yourself. you deserve to be your best version of yourself. you deserve to be your favorite version of yourself. you deserve the same love you give to absolutely everyone else you love so fiercely, even though you don't think you do enough, are enough. you are enough. you need to let others love you. you need to believe them. you need to please stay alive to see the day this person, that others love so dearly, is someone you can love, too. you need to stay alive to see and remember that miracles exist, even though they didn't for your dad's recovery in this life. you need to live to see one direction reband, even if you can't tell him. he only loved them because you did and he loved you. your love for the band and all other things you love still gets to be loved and cherished by you. and how lucky they are to be so. remember to invest in yourself. i know you want to be a better friend and person to others so they can be that to you, but don't you think it's so you can be that to you, too? don't you think it has already worked? can't you see how loved you are by others? i know you can't right now. aliya, my dearest love, you NEED to stay alive because one day, when it is all safe again, everyone who loves you, who really, really loves you, will greet you like you'd be greeted in heaven, with giant hugs and all the things you love and the clouds will smile at you and ocean will kiss you hello and the birds will sing to you and the sun will shine on your face revealing every freckle of yours and heaven will be on earth. it is waiting for you. you will be ready. trust your process. you will see all those who know how to love you and it will be so grandiose and outpouring in love that you will forget all those who couldn't be there for you before. you are here now. you've arrived to your temple of peace, and you are alive to see it. aliya, i am love. i bless you with all your dreams. you will change shapes many times. you will think his death was a catalyst, you will wish he was here, you will learn he still is, you will think you only received it because he gave it to you. you will see and be so much more than you already are or know you will be. believe me on that. trust in love. trust in yourself. you are love. at your best, at you worst, you are love, forever deserving and more. i love you so. dearly, truly, forever yours, your love, aliya love."