#I HATE HMI I HATE HIM I HATE HIM I HATE HIM HE MAKES ME SO ANGRY | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

cinnamon-phrog · 3 months

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Hi! I don’t really understand self shipping. But I am fascinated.

What drew/draws you to it?

I have thought about it for a good while and my brain cannot fathom it, so I am curious as to what you find so nice about it. It’s a really cool idea.

Keep being awesome 😎

This ask made me think a lot. I think my answer lies not in what draws it to me but what it draws me towards.

I’d selfshipped since I was probably seven, when I lived with my parents and wasn’t able to go anywhere or experience the world very well at all.

Except when I’d insert myself into the movies and shows I loved. I think it’s a pretty common thing with selfshippers, to selfship without knowing what it was.

When I moved into foster care I was scared, but drawing my silly cringe things [without even having been exposed to the internet, mind you. I had no idea that that was what I was doing, it was just fun.] Helped a lot, until I found out about cringe culture, and I became afraid to do that by twelve.

Not too long later [two years] I discovered D/HMIS, which set of a huge chain of events that led to me taking comfort in the trio and realize that not only did I love them, but that I’m worth that love, too. I did some dumb shit involving me bending over backwards for others’ expectations and then bursting out my frustrations unhealthily. It wasn’t a good look. My love for them helped me get over that, I had to really push myself to love them, though. Since I was embarrassed to feel that deeply, more than I ever did as a small child.

I felt bad to ship with Yellow for reasons due to what most fanon depicted him to be versus how I saw him personally, I felt bad to ship with Red and Duck because they were semi-canonically canon together and also because Red was SUCH a hot commodity and I didn’t want to seem that Down Bad, and I was scared to selfship with Duck because I didn’t want to seem like I was trying to get back at someone in my past who adored him when really they don’t own him, neither do I, I can enjoy things other people used to without feeling guilty. Because I wasn't loving him to be petty, or loving Yellow to be different, or loving Red because of his popularity, [he isn't as much anymore I don't think] but because I simply love them and who they are. They make me laugh.

To love something without the fear of being made fun of or villainised, simply just LOVING is a big thing for me. And the more I love them the braver I feel, and that’s what they draw me towards.

And that determination to keep loving them BECAUSE of everything and all I’d persevered for [which doesn’t seem like much but for me it was big] I had the courage to leave my bad situation and live semi-independently when I hadn’t before.

It’s the thought that they’d be proud of me that keeps me going. They draw me to a better future for myself. They have faults, self-destructive tendencies, as did I. I still do. But I work through it because they wouldn’t want me to hate themselves so much as I don’t want them to hate themselves.

And if I ever lost that well. I’d be sad but not for long. Because the love I had for them I’d carry onwards, even if I couldn’t love them anymore, because terror and love are the same for me. And yet the love I have and choose to feel outweighs the terror of losing them.

And after that terror I have these wonderful ‘fluffy’ days of thinking about them. Wanting to comfort them, having them comfort me [as best as they can, I think they’d at least try their best]. Because they’ve spent their lives trapped in a house where people yelled at them and gave them lessons that didn’t make sense and endless pain for no reason, I understand how that feels similarly. Why they feel so aimless and unable to express themselves. Why they lash out at the first sign of freedom because being locked away is all they really know. I left my old life because if they couldn't, I could.. I live for them on the slight chance that they'd be proud of me.

Same for all my f/o’s, but I used the trio to explain because they’re my best example.

So what draws me to selfshipping is the acceptance of myself and what I enjoy, and courage to explore more of that.

#f/o #fictional other #selfship #selfshipper #selfshipping #🦆📋#🎨🌻#👄🍝#🚦🏠

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starr-fall-knight-rise · 4 years

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HASO Origins, “Conn”

Ok guys, sorry about how late this one is. Writing for a group of creatures that don’t understand spoken language or time is kind of a bitch. I tried to make it seem alien as possible, bu it was hard for me and I don’t know how well it gets across

Was so very dark and he was so very alone.

His sails waved and undulated in the vast darkness, but no light caressed their surface to allow hmi to retreat.

So he was here, in the never-ending quiet, he had once thought he would like the quiet but now determined that was not the case. He needed that warble of background sound, the thoughts filling up his head, however, he just wanted to be the quiet one.

He wanted his thoughts private where others could not poke and prod and see his bitterness towards them

He didn’t have a name, just images and feelings associated with his being. When everyone thought of him, they grew uncomfortable, quiet, and almost exasperated with his presence. His name was unwanted and discomfort.

Perhaps that is why he had gone and done what he did, perhaps it was his own subconscious thoughts that led him to this moment, for not even he had known until it was too late. Travelling at thousands of miles per hour, side by side with his colony, he had taken the turn far to shallow, and so his momentum had carried him off into the darkness. As he went he remembered hearing the distant fading of their voices back into the blackness.

And then there had been only silence.

And for once he had his thoughts to himself.

IT scared him, and he turned using up the last bit of his solar energy to push him back towards the star where his colony had last existed. He was so scared.

And so hopeless.

It took him one entire year to return to the star, and by that time his colony was long gone, likely thankful for his timely disappearance when they wanted it most. He tried to follow them, tried to guess where they might go, but it was no use, the universe was big, and he was so very small.

There was no reason for him to stay here, and he took the next microrift that opened up to him. He had no idea where it would take him, and he didn’t much care. There was always a chance it would dump him out in the middle of space with no way to get anywhere else, but the starborn knew the rifts, and they knew, that for some reason, they tended to empty out close to other stars.

So he took the rift, and when he did, he sensed a wave of powerful blue light.

IT charged his body with energy and allowed him to move quickly around the system, where a bright blue emissions nebulae seemed to surround everything.

And that is when he heard them, the distant murmuring of inner thoughts. He followed them until the voices grew louder and louder and louder hoping beyond hope that they might be his. He broke from the clouds, and knew immediately they were not, their thoughts were too strange, though they were of the same type as him.

He would have turned away, but they too sensed him.

They were not pleased with his presence.

Two of his ribbons were completely torn off that day, but the queen took mercy and let him stay. She could see his long years of solitude inside his head, and would no mind one more worker for her colony. Of course, he would never be allowed mating privileges of any sort,, but he could just as well gather minerals for her

He hated it, and they could easily sense his hatred.

ON multiple occasions he was accused of trying to harbor hidden thoughts and false secrets.

They were right, his time in the black had made him cold and indifferent to them. While he took comfort in the noise, he was used to the silence. And so he lived for an unknown amount of time, as a drifter, a vagrant hanging abut this unaccepting colony becoming more and more ostracized every day by his secret yearnings.

Year passed, and they always stayed in the same place, rotating around the same blue star with the same blue nebulae around them. He despised all of it. He wanted to travel, to see the rest of the galaxy, but the others would not have it, and they despised him for his restlessness. They would not leave their comfortable home. They were not nomads, but neither could he leave again, he was too afraid of being alone in the silence to go without him.

So he grew bittern in the bright light of their giant blue star.

Not his star, their star.

He was floating about the outer permitted of the colony one day, keeping just out of easy thought range when he felt it, or heard it, or sensed it. It was, a horrible discomfort, strange and alien for a moment he wondered if he was dying. It was like the pull of gravity was trying to suck his basins out of his head. His eyes throbbed, and his insides churned where they should not have done so.

He felt as the entire colony looked out in confusion towards the source of the voice.

Please no no, I can’t pass out I can’t pass out. I’ll die.

Behind him the colony erupted in confusion.

Conn perked up listening to the sounds he had never heard and understanding the strange language based upon those sounds without ever trying. He was, enveloped in a mind that was strange and sticky, and tangled and confused and frightened. He could feel bodily sensations that a starborn had never felt before.

Pain

The mind flickered.

No, no.

Oh no.

He shot off into the nebulae chasing the sound ribbons billowing at his back as the others called for him to stop. He had no idea what that was.

Though that was a lie.

This was a… human.

Another creature. He could see flashes of images by colors he had never seen before and through eyes so different from his. The strange feeling stirred him up inside, confused him and thrilled him at the same time.

The voice was getting louder.

He broke from the cloud pausing at what he saw.

A strange creature vaguely starborn in shape, but wrapped in so much strange and alien material. IT rotated violently through the space.

Can’t keep it, closed.

He could feel the hand pressing tight over a tear in the fabric, knew that the creature was going to die even as it began slipping away.

He wasn't entirely sure what he was doing, but he slid forward even as the creatures mind was fading out. Atmosphere was leaking from the suit, and he had to place his hand over it to stop. The human spun into him, and they both rotated for a few moments as he got his bearings, finally stopping with a burst of energy as they exited the nebulae.

He could hear voices behind him. He could hear their thoughts rising in anger for what he was doing, but he didn’t care.

He waited holding the creature as it wallowed in darkness.

They wanted him to get rid of it, but he didn’t want to listen.

It was far to interesting to get rid of.

How am I still alive?

Or am I alive?

Is this what the afterlife is like, floating in eternal blackness forever with no sense of time or space.

Wait , no, you should probably open your eyes first dipshit. I think I see something

He felt the creature open its eyes, watched as the strange scene unfolded before it, and his own face staring back at it, white with black eyes, thousands of ribbons trailing from behind him. His hands gripped tighter to the creature, and through it’s mind he could feel the pressure of his own hands.

Mother Fuck!

Holy shit, what is that, what is it doing.

Why did it save my life, what is happening?

It’s thoughts washed over him like waves. Warm memories, cold memories, sad one angry ones frightened ones. He could feel the sun on it’s back in a way that he had never experienced the sun before.

He leaned his head closer face bumping against the mask.

wait , how am I still…

The creature’s hand brushed over his.

It saved my life. But why.

He knew what the creature looked like under there, strangely like him, though it’s skin was darker. He rested a hand against the visor, almost wishing to touch it. It did the same, he could feel it trailing its hand upward to rest over his.

Could it hear him?

He didn’t think so, it acted like it couldn’t .

It needed sound to hear.

The inside of it’s head was silent, even if surrounded by a thousand others. He wanted to be like that so badly. Wanted to be with his own thoughts even as a torrent of sound raged around him.

He turned to the side as other voices interrupted him demanding he put the creature back, demanding he get rid of it.

They wanted nothing to do with it’s strangely silent thoughts, the way it couldn’t hear them. They wanted nothing to do with its awe or how it felt heat and cold. They wanted nothing to do with its colors and its pain. He could feel them looming up behind him, a massive interconnected hive mind that wish nothing more than to crush the creature’s consciousness…. He had been threatened by that before, and it was not a fate he would recommend to anyone/

What is this?

The creature had no idea what they were planning.

He turned to look at it.

His brethren were getting closer.

He parted his lips in a smile.

Wow…. don’t don’t do that. That is…. Uh…. creepier than I would like.

But still it reached up a hand and placed it on his face.

I wish I knew what it felt like?

They were coming for it, encroaching on all sides ready to crush its mind. What was he to do? But yes, that is when he heard its companions.

The human remained blissfully unaware as he pulled the human closer.

He had to save it, and so he grabbed it by the arms, and pushed it back into the nebulae. He felt it’s surprise and it’s fear, how it pressed it’s fingers against the suit, and then he fele the anger and fear of his own race as they came bearing down on him.

Their minds enveloped him.

***

They were angry at him for not killing it, for not killing the abomination that was the thing with the silent mind, but the mind was not silent, it was so lively and warm. But it was deaf that was all, and he liked that about the creature. They wanted it gone;, they wanted it gone for hiding its thoughts, and he wanted it to stay for just such reason.

And with the creature’s thoughts, with its strange ability, he walled off his plan, distracted them with other imaginings to hide his intentions, and then he followed it finding it encases inside meta, where atmosphere and gravity was heavy. The environment in which it survived scared him for he could be crushed within the gravitational field.

But still he stayed.

He wondered, if like the humans he could speak? And it would hear.

It was very difficult to form a coherent thought when all the other alien thoughts bombarded him. He felt pleasure and pain and anger and exhaustion all at once, until his insides were nothing more than a jumbled mess of confusion.

It took him hours to find the creature, and when he did, he did his best to communicate. He rested his hand against its giant metal hive its ‘space ship’ and tried to get it to hear him.

And for the first time.

He used the memory of the sounds.

“Adam.”

He used the memory felt its confusion, felt its pain, and heard himself through the sound in its head.

***

He had committed an act of treason against them. He had harbored secret thoughts, and for that he was going to pay. He was going to die, but that was only after they took care of the thing that had corrupted his mind. He had been dragged away from the ship, dragged away after meeting the creature face to face, feeling the cold of its own hands through it’s skin. He had felt the fear and the excitement.

But now it might all be over. They did not like what he had done, and this time he had committed one last egregious mistake. He had turned against them and sought out his own private thoughts in a way that only heretics did.

He was an abomination.

But for some reason he was ok with that.

He had always been an aberrant hole in the way things were done, even when he was firstborn.

A lot of his kind had openly wondered about what was wrong with him. Many wondered,or blamed his behavior on the circumstances of his birth.

He had been born in the darkness between stars on their journey across the vastness, while the others had been away searching for minerals He was the last born to the queen before she died, her body going limp even as he floated at her side. And so he had listened to her go silent, and been left along in the darkness and quiet for an unknown period of time before the others returned.

They did not measure time like humans did.

That is why they put up with him for so long, because it was their fault no one had been there in his first moments of life. No one had been there to dispose of the suspended corpse by which rested. The males were strictly reprimanded for their absence, for it was their job to take care of the queen and her children when they were born while the females foraged.

They needed to forage twice as much to raise the youngling queen who had been born in preparation for the old queen’s death.

Perhaps it was the young males thinking that their queen was not being well-fed enough that led them to tray away when he was born, but either way it did not matter. Something had gone wrong with him, something that scared a lot of his brethren.

For he had been born in the dark and the silence filled with nothing for an unknown amount of time.

He wondered if that was the reason he chased silent sound, and perhaps that was the reason the human followed him, for it too was strange for its kind.

The others could have not asked for a more opportune time to crush its mind.

But of course he could not let that happen.

He had never fought in his life, for there was no fighting with the star born, but somehow seeing into the human’s head helped him to block out the crushing weight of force which was slowly cracking its consciousness like glass.

And somehow he won.

***

He could feel the human’s anger, it was hot and warm, but in that same way it was anger the mind behind it was still softer than any mind he had known before. Starborn aren’t known for their ability to feel empathy. They don’t need to since they can read each other’s thoughts. But this human, it felt for him though it knew nothing anything. Despite being angry he could intrude on its thoughts.

He had felt real anger before, and this was not it.

This was blustering anger.

As far as he understood this mind was too soft to produce real anger on command, though that anger was hidden deep inside

And despite the fear that he sometimes trailed with him, Conn found understanding and empathy on a crew of people who couldn’t even read his mind, he found a name that was not annoyance or pity.

HE found a name with sounds, and a name associated with a changing landscape.hew as never pity, sometimes he was annoyance, other ties he was amusement, sometimes he was indifference, and often his name was friendship.

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