Hey, would you look at that. It's been over a year since I got a bullshit copyright strike on MuseScore for my transcription of To Zanarkand (exactly as it is heard in Final Fantasy X), which is a score you cannot find anywhere on the internet. It is a meticulous by-ear transcription that several people have referred to as "the most accurate transcription [they've] heard" based on the version in-game, which is compositionally distinct from any "official" sheet music sources published since the game came out.

So if you want the most accurate transcription of "To Zanarkand" you're probably ever going to find on the internet, here you go: mediafire link because fuck you musescore

this transcription got me into grad school for composition so. trust

i have this Thing where i ,,,, feel like i am TooMuch as person w too many interests who lie in too many different places, with too many ways to think & talk & feel, and above this all the crown is that i HATE being perceived but i want to talk&learn so badly. 

ive found that in relationships of any kind this could be difficult to deal w... it creates this thing where pple might think i’m extremely intelligent&resourceful&passionate so they idealize me and they will listen but they won’t participate. then i start feeling like i should be a little less so i can stop being intimidating & they can start sharing too. then i never know how to be fully myself again because i’ve understood that if i was, it meant facing disconnect. like, they’ll think they can’t add anything to the convo and 1) not speak, therefore, i feel lonely 2) ignore me entirely (on apps mostly) so somebody else can deal w me instead like im a bother 3) pretend they listen/care but only answer in questions & never actually find meaning in what i say or try to dig deeper into it 4) listen, truly, and keep my ideas w them, and speak those ideas to other pple but never actually follow through much with me by adding to the convo later on or in the moment etc 

or, pple might be judgemental. so then i hide little parts, i hide interests, i speak of them a Little bit because i don’t wanna lie or be a different person, but i never really dig into what i wanna talk abt half as much as i truly want to because i know it won’t be met well. so then i start having this unconscious lists of topics that are palatable depending on who’s in front of me. and i adapt. 

or, i start compartmentalizing my own fkcing personnality. my own interests. can’t talk abt this here, thats fine, i’ll create a twitter specifically for that one thing. oh but now, i wanna talk abt That other thing, slightly linked, but different, maybe thats too chaotic to add here, maybe it doesnt fit, maybe pple will perceive too much, i should create Another twitter for This specific thing ? or maybe i should just not talk abt it. yeah. sounds good too. i have literally 4 tumblrs, 3 different twitters, just so i can safely spread out my interests becos one day i’ll feel like speaking a bit more personnally, the next i’ll feel like “no i should only speak abt the topic when i have meaningful things to say or else i sound DUMB and whiny and pple will see i have feelings that arent greatly worded analysis” im so fkcing HHHH i feel like i won’t let myself exist as a full person ANYWHERE because i keep seeing Other pple and they seem like theyre put together and they only speak One way, they only have Specific likes, they know the social clues, the social contexts, the workings of things, and they fit into it. i dont understand Shit abt anything.. worse, i do, but i don’t fit in and i don’t know how other pple do, and i can’t bring myself to commit to the rules & the fitting in because it makes me feel like a liar. 

maybe i should just Not give a fuck and create a space where i can say whatevr the fuck i want and it wld not matter at all, but i would feel too bad for that if someone perceived it. if im alone, like here, it doesnt mtter, no one reads this. but if i mention a band i like, suddenly my brainworms activate like “if pple search this band, THEY WILL KNWO WHAT U SAID, they will its YOU, theyll think you’re a fkcing PRICK or DERANGED” like okay.. what abt existing huh. you wrong footed fuck. im so tired. i wanna find a meaningful space or some type of freedom but i never feel,,, satisfied. i never feel home anywhere. i never feel home within myself, i hate that pple might see that.