#Goodbye dignity hello delusion | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

nutcraxker · 10 months

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Newcomer - Clive/Gav

Amicable, no more than that. Yet who knows of what fate has in store

Gav wasn't really invested to the new guy at first. He simply just doing his job to help, Cid and Gav's empathy told him to, mostly. It's hard to turn a blind eyes when someone in front of you was a guy whose life filled with nothing but misery. Treated as a slave, assumed dead, and whatsoever, name it. Now, he finally finished his task to locate the fire dominants who've been captured by Benedikta and her men. It was tiring but it's worth it. As long as it'll help the newcomer,

Clive Rosfield.

"That's all about my work, useful enough?" Gav asked, sitting on the chair near the entrance of the hideaway. Clive sat beside him and to Gav's surprise, he smiled, "More than enough, Gav. Thank you." replied him with a faint smile carved from the corner of his lips. He looked alive, better than last night as far as he remembers.

"Still, I don't know more about their conditions. Hopefully they're alright." The blonde haired added as he sighed. It's a shame, really. He wanted to help more, at least to satisfy his empathy. Yet the situation worsened instead, making him unable to gain more information.

"Really, it's alright. You must be tired from all the job Cid gave you today." Clive chuckled lightly. Gav can't help but felt a bit glad, happy even, that Clive is now able to loosen up a bit. Back then, he won't ever smile, let alone a chuckle. This should be count as an improvement.

"I won't lie, they're all indeed tiring," Gav shrugged as he stretched his arms, "but I'm fine, you should look at yourself." Gav gestured his hand to Clive's face. A fine one, nobody can't deny it, but it looked tired. As if he hasn't slept for a while. Those eyebags seem darker than yesterday. Surely Gav can't blame him, he must be exhausted after all, considering how miserable his life before.

"I hardly remember the last time I sleep peacefully."

"If you don't mind, I got a trick to helps." Gav reached Clive shoulders, gesturing him to follow Gav outside the hideaway. Not to run away or something, but to simply enjoy the night, the breeze, enjoy the stars. It's cliche, he knew. But it won't hurt to try, at least he can sleep with this.

"You are suggesting us to stroll around?"

"You can say no." Gav answered, still walking beside Clive.

"It won't hurt to try, I suppose." Clive followed, speeding up his walking.

It was eerie but that didn't stop them, at least Clive looked excited and that's a rare sight. Gav slightly watched the glimpse of Clive's head nodding around as he watched the surroundings. There's nothing special, but that's for Gav. He has been here for a long time. Perhaps Clive thought otherwise.

The usual stars, clouds, and breeze. They calmed Gav and he hoped they'll calm Clive too. It'll be futile if this trick only work to him and not Clive. The idea was to walk and enjoy the night until he's tired. That's actually can be done alone but Clive is new here, there's no way Gav would let him get lost. At least he should be near him, he's a newcomer after all. He needed to make sure he's alright.

Other than that, he genuinely just wanted to be with him, to make sure he's alright. He had a rough life, so he wanted him to at least forget about it for a while. This whole time, he looked like he's haunted by his own past, troubled, restless. Gav hoped that at least tonight, Clive won't be able to remember his past at all, he hoped that Clive would dream about this nice stroll instead. Ha, what a ridiculous thought.

"You often do this?" Clive asked, starting a conversation. Gav nodded, "Course, there's nothing tiring than walking until my legs turn sore." he joked around. A laugh came from Clive, a chuckle if Gav must be specific. How nice, it's great when you're able to be the reason for someone's laugh, Gav thought.

"Actually, Clive. You need not to keep the burden yourself, you know?" Gav stopped as he looked at Clive, holding his shoulder, "we are here to help."

"Do I look that bad?" Clive sighed, scratching his hair, "still, it's hard to do that." he added, looking at Gav with a faint smile.

"Anyway, you feel tired already? We can continue, the night still young, yeah?" Gav stretched his arms, yawning a bit.

"Aye I can help, we can help. I'll look forward to the day you're drunk enough to tell your stories. " Gav answered, patting Clive shoulder. That's actually not a bad thing to look forward to. Clive isn't soo open at least for now, and it's certainly normal. It takes time to open up and Gav understands that, he'd definitely wait.

"Well, I hope you're patient then, Gav."

"What can I say? Your trick worked well."

They headed back to the hideaway, both yawning. Gav felt glad that he was able to talk more to him. He hoped he would indeed consider his advice. To trust them, to not carry the burden alone.

For now, he'll sleep first. And he obviously won't dream about their stroll together.

I'm being silly again

#this time.. I can't sleep #I might edit this later but as if this is going to reach anyone anyway #it's too bad that there's only a little content about these boys together #I wanna make more but perhaps I should edit this thing #anyways #posted #Goodbye dignity hello delusion #final fantasy #ffxvi #clive ffxvi #gav ffxvi

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stoptryingtobeclever · 7 years

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Poor guy indeed

There’s an owl that lives outside my complex. Out of curiosity and concern I quickly turned to google to search: strange animal noises~; to; define: bird calls at night; related: new england intext:nocturnal birds site:.edu

After all these tricks and neich to google searching in an oddly entertaining way; I found The Great Horned Owl.

Native to Protegida La Montañona, Chalatenango, El Salvador conveniently also here in the New England area and all over north and south america and conveniently distracting me from my very awkward and soul crushing agony of the lack of my emotional intelligence.

People always say “But you’re so smart” I think they just pick up on my perception when I’m relaxed; Constructive, methodical. I wish I picked up on that own sound and centered appearance; but when It comes to emotion, I’m rather coarse. That analytical adaptation I adhere to is rather detached.

I get afraid. I get anxious. I freak the hell out. Out of defense, I lower myself and others I care about to these delusions of the ‘social panic’ about respect and self worth that I quickly turn to being Def(l)ective. Salty. Petty. Cruel, but mostly defensive.

I don’t want to define anyone but that is so damn hard to just not know about partnerships and as a woman and speaking on my own dignity; Even backing up and thinking about how I think that way; it shouldn’t bother me. As a human we are animals and being animals we get territorial and I hate any instinct of that and it bothers the hell out of me.

Like sex/ attraction/ aggression; these are all things we can all be intelligent about. And we constrict ourselves limiting our own intelligence letting our instincts get the best of us. Hormone versus factor.

I guess what I’m poorly trying to explain in a way partly (which this bigger part is not something to be explained “partly” and I will try my best to continue further in this blog) is that education is not a pythagorean theorem stupid equation but rather educating ourselves in our own emotions and benefiting our gift of intelligence to best our previous plesant but troublesome attributes.

In a lot of ways, it’s growing. It mostly comes from experiencing and constructively taking apart situations as a person to grow but from facing my emotional discrepancy and conflict I find that both men and women and humankind alike can benefit fully from acknowledging their emotions as openly and as fluid as searching about some bird at night.

I messaged someone I cared about that I discovered the “dinosaur noises” referring to the owl beg calling from the back of the reservoir as such.

Both in a cheeky hello as well as a soft subtle goodbye in one bitter sweet melted peanut butter chocolate hey knowing full heartedly that I can’t say another word for a long, long time.

but i acknowledge this which is new for me.

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