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1dfangirls35 · 4 years

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Voir Dire (N.H.)

A fake dating OU about contracts, soulmates and risking it all for love

Masterlist // Tell Me What You Think!

nineteen

Niall was hammered. More hammered than he'd ever been in recent memory. He was hammered and lonely, and that was a miserable combination.

It all started at the after party for the announcement of his tour. It was supposed to be a happy moment in Niall's life, but instead he'd never felt lower. He'd never felt lonelier. What should have been a celebration, an event to kick off his favorite part of being a musician in the first place, had once again become a reminder of the state of his emotions and a catalyst for drinking away his feelings.

It had been a month since Kelsey tore his heart apart. Yes, tore was the best way to describe it, because Niall wasn't sure there would ever be a way to stitch it back together again. He'd had his heartbroken before, but never like this. Never in a way he didn't see coming.

Usually, music was the one thing Niall could always count on getting him through his emotions. For Niall, music had always been the bandage to his open wounds, providing cover for him as he slowly healed. His past heartbreaks had produced some of his best songwriting and cured his broken heart in the process. But for some reason this time, every note sounded out of key, every lyric seemed inadequate and soon, he couldn't bring himself to play a single chord.

His songwriting wasn't the only thing suffering. Heartbreak had drifted into every aspect of his life. He'd found red carpet appearances unbearable, he struggled to make it through interviews, and his fans had been picking up on his lack of social media interactions. And then there was the Range Rover incident. A night when Niall's emotions got the better of him, so much so that he'd lost his focus on the road, resulting in him having to abruptly swerve to avoid hitting another vehicle. This, of course, resulted in his Range Rover meeting a large metal telephone pole. The scariest part of that night was that Niall didn't feel a thing. There was no adrenaline kicking in, no fight or flight response, his body stayed numb. And even a TMZ headline and a call from Alan Michaels asking what the hell was going on with him couldn't get Niall to care.

The only person that had kept Niall out of hitting full on disaster, Britney Spears circa 2017, was surprisingly- Krystal. She'd saved him a few too many times from being a drunken mess on the red carpet of an awards show. She'd shoved his drunk ass into limousines after their "dates", when Niall had downed tequila shots like they were juice instead of slowly sipping on wine. She'd answered interview questions with a smile, about their relationship, about music, about anything that Niall couldn't find the words to answer. She didn't know about things with Kelsey, not officially- but somehow she did. He was grateful for Krystal. Saving a heartbroken former boybander from a downward spiral wasn't part of her job.

And here she was again tonight, helping him find his way home after he had a few too many rounds of Guinness at the tour announcement party.

"Basil could have brought me home you know," Niall slurred, his bloodshot eyes meeting Krystal's in the backseat of the Uber. Niall wouldn't admit it, but he was happy that it wasn't Basil driving him home again. He wasn't sure he could deal with another one of Basil's attempts to find out just what exactly was driving his star client to rock bottom.

"I know," Krystal replied, the glitter in her eyeshadow catching in a passing street light. "But I wanted to make sure you got back." She offered Niall a soft smile.

Niall gave her an appreciative nod, then leaned his head back, resting it between the black leather seat and the window. His eyes grew tired, and he closed them in an effort to stop the world from spinning. He'd only passed out a few minutes before he hears Krystal's hushed voice next to him.

"I told you, I can't tonight. I had a prior commitment," she whispered, her tone laced with irritation.

Niall couldn't make out the words being said on the other end of the phone. But from what his altered mind could comprehend, the person on the other and was yelling. He opened his eyes, squinting in attempt to alter the blurred image of Krystal in front of him.

"I'll make it up to you tomorrow, okay? Promise," Krystal paused. Niall watched as her face began to relax once more. "Good night." And with that she hung up the phone, setting it down in her lap and running a hand through her hair while letting out an exasperated sigh.

"That your boyfriend?" Niall slurred. He knew it was an inappropriate question, him asking about Krystal's love life. He also knew it wasn't a question he should be asking in front of an Uber driver who may catch on to the fact that Niall is supposed to be Krystal's boyfriend. But the alcohol had made him speak his mind and he couldn't comprehend the consequences.

Krystal turned to look at him. Obviously not aware that Niall had regained consciousness and was listening to her conversation. "I don't know if you could go as far as to say that," she rolled her eyes just a little. "It's complicated."

"Well if you want him to be your boyfriend you should tell him Krystal," Niall said grandly, as if he had just had a genius breakthrough.

Krystal shook her head, "That easy huh?"

Niall got the feeling that Krystal wasn't going to reveal much more information. He wasn't sure if that was because she wasn't in the mood to discuss her love life or if she was trying to shelter his already emotional state from anymore mentions of love. So he loosened the tie around his neck and turned his attention to the road ahead of him, the Los Angeles streets empty at this time of night.

Krystal broke the silence, turning to face Niall again. This time her face is filled with worry. "Don't say anything to Capitol about it will you? I don't think there's anything in my contract about it but, I can't lose this job."

Niall laughed. "You think I'd tell those bastards anything? Your secret's safe with me," he held out his pinky. "Pinky promise."

Krystal gave a small smile, sticking her finger out to meet Niall's he wraps them together. "Don't think you'll remember in the morning anyways," she giggled to herself with a raise of her eyebrow.

"What do you mean, my mind is as clear as an Irish summer day!" Niall feigned astonishment.

"Sir, I seem completely sober to you don't I?" he reached a hand out to tap their driver on the shoulder. Krystal's eyes grow wide with embarrassment. The man, gives him a hesitant nod, which leads to Niall's cackles filling the air. He realizes that it's the first time in weeks he's let out a laugh.

"Sure it is," Krystal responds with a laugh, shaking her head.

When the Uber pulls into Niall's house a few minutes later, Krystal grabbed Niall's arm in an attempt to help him out the car. He stumbled towards the door, letting out an obnoxious thank you towards the Uber driver as Krystal waved him goodbye.

"Let's get you some water," she said as she leads him inside, setting Niall on the couch before making her way towards the kitchen. Niall heard the tap water run from his position, and soon Krystal returns with a glass of fresh water. Niall sat up and took the glass from her hand, bringing it to his lips and drinking the liquid in big gulps.

"Are you okay?" Krystal asked, her voice hesitant as if she wasn't sure she even wanted to ask. There was a look of concern flashing onto to her face, her forehead crinkling in the middle.

The real answer to Krystal's question was a resounding no. Niall wasn't even close to being okay and he didn't know if there was anything that would make him okay again. But even in his less than sober state, Niall wasn't about to speak freely about his inner struggles. Instead, he flashed Krystal a cheeky grin and said, "Just need some water, aspirin and sleep in me and I'll be good as new in the morning love."

"Listen Niall..." Krystal looked down at her fingers. "I know I'm probably the last person you want to talk to, but if you ever need someone, I'm here. You shouldn't have to struggle alone."

"Thank you," Niall replied softly. "And thanks for saving me from looking like a hot mess half the time."

Krystal's lips half smile. "That's what friends are for."

A friend. Niall had misjudged Krystal all that time ago. While Kelsey could never see past Krystal as the villain in her love story, Niall had come to see that she was far more than an actress hired to play his girlfriend. She was a person that had Niall's back.

Krystal stood abruptly from the couch, glancing down at her phone. "Uber will be here in five minutes," she muttered more to herself than to Niall. She turned her attention back towards Niall, who was slowly beginning to feel himself crash again. "Get some rest, okay?" Krystal gave Niall's arm a comforting pat, before making her way towards the door.

It was later that week when Krystal called Niall sobbing. He didn't know what came over him; maybe it was the fact that Krystal didn't have anyone else or maybe it was because he was trying to return the favor, but thirty minutes later Krystal was standing on his doorstep, and even in the darkening sunset he can see her red, puffy, make-up-free eyes.

"Come in," he said, opening the door and letting Krystal in. She stepped inside, sliding off her sneakers on the entry way rug.

"I'm sorry, I didn't know who else to call," she apologized as she followed Niall towards the living room. Krystal sat down, pulling down the sleeves of her crewneck sweatshirt before crossing her arms in front of her.

"Don't apologize, what good of a friend am I if I turn you away in your moment of need?" Niall sat down on the couch next to her, his shoulders just brushing Krystal's.

And so Krystal began to pour her heart out to Niall. She told him about Eric, the minor league baseball player she had been seeing on the side. About how it had all started out as a friends with benefits situation until Krystal started to catch feelings. She told Niall that she'd his drunken advice about simply telling Eric that she wanted him to be more today, and that Eric had promptly kicked her out of his apartment, yelling her for trying to turn some good sex into something more complicated.

And as Krystal cried into Niall's shoulder, her tears turning the blue of his t-shirt into navy, he reached his arm around her and gently rubbed her back. "I'm so stupid," Krystal sobbed. "I should have none that he wouldn't want anything more, but I was just so lonely and he was someone and..." Krystal looked up at Niall, her eyes meeting his. "I'm sorry you're the last one I should be complaining about a broken heart to. I wasn't even with the guy and..."

"Krystal," Niall interrupted her before she can continue. "Look at me."

She grew quiet, looking up at Niall, her hazel eyes meeting Niall's blue ones. "Stop comparing your heartbreak to anyone else's. If you hurt, you hurt okay? That's not wrong or insensitive. And this guy... well quite honestly, if he couldn't see what a beautiful person you are, inside and out, well that's his problem okay?" He brought his thumb to the corner of her eye, wiping away a stray tear.

Krystal nodded. "You're a good guy Niall," Krystal said softly. "She made a mistake, letting you go."

"They both did," Niall whispered, looking Krystal in the eyes.

He didn't know what came over him. Maybe it was that they were both hurting. Two broken souls in need of something, anything to take the pain away- even if only temporarily. But the sun was shining through the window illuminating Krystal's golden locks, and his eyes have focused on the pink of her lips, and it was like he'd suddenly seen Krystal in a whole new light. And before he could realize what was happening, his lips were on Krystal's and his hands were fumbling with his belt, and he was leading her up the stairs to his bedroom and it all happened so so fast.

When their done, Niall couldn't help but feel like something was eating the inside of his stomach alive. He wasn't sure if it was guilt or pain or fear, but it lingered as he laid there, with Krystal's head on his bare chest, her fingers combing through his hair. For a moment, he imagined he would look down and see her-that chocolate brown hair that always smelled like a hint of lavender. But it's blonde hair sprawled across his torso, and the ache in his chest was still there as strong as ever.

He thought that this would make him feel better. Relieved. That maybe two aching hearts would come together for a moment and not ache anymore. But all he can see is her. Her smile, her laugh, the way she looked when she first woke up in the morning, her hair sticking up on the side. And then Niall thought about what she would think, about him wrapped up in the sheets with the very person who she always feared. The insecurity that haunted their relationship from the moment Kelsey learned about the contract.

Niall wanted to feel some sense of payback. Like him sleeping with Krystal was the eye for an eye of Kelsey breaking his heart. But he didn't feel like he'd won the battle. He just felt like he'd stabbed himself in the chest all over again.

Niall wondered if he should say something. If he should apologize to Krystal for what had clearly been a mistake, a temporary lapse in judgement in the name of emotions. But before he even has time to think of the right words Krystal has jolted upright.

"Oh shit," Krystal muttered, jumping out of the bed. "I always miss that darn alarm, where's my purse." She grabs her t-shirt from the side of the bed and rushes out of the room, and as she leaves, Niall can't help but notice that the pit in his stomach is worse.

Tag List: @awomanindeniall , @ihearthemcallingforyou , @niall-is-my-dream , @stylishmuser , @thicksniall

#didn't mean to leave you hanging for a month #but we are getting close to the chapters that I have had written for FOREVER #which means quicker updates #please don't hate me too much after this one #voir dire #nh #writingby1dfangirls35 #niall horan #niall horan fanfiction #niall fanfiction #niall ou #1dff #one direction fanfiction #fake dating ou #secret relationship ou #niall x ofc #NH x ofc

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sontagfag · 5 years

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THE PREDATORY WASP OF THE PALISADES IS OUT TO GET US: a full analysis

NOTE: everything i know about music theory i learned from the internet so it very well may all be nonsense; take what i say with a grain of salt. this is long as hell and mainly my ramblings about a song i love with all my heart by one of my favorite artists. all under the cut.

first of all, there’s the title. immediately we see the main symbol of the song—the wasp—being characterized as “predatory”, reinforced by the fact that it’s “out to get us”. the wasp, in this sense, is seen as a villain, or as a predator, preying on sufjan and his friend. more on that later. sufjan also gives us our setting- the mississippi palisades, a stretch of bluffs along the mississippi river near savannah, illinois. while you could choose to view this as metaphoric for the story (ie contrasting the sweeping surroundings with the mundanity of the story sufjan’s telling) i choose to believe it’s just there because it was the literal setting of the story.

the next thing worth noting before actually getting into the meat of the lyrics/music, is the song that comes before it on Illinois, A conjunction of drones simulating the way in which Sufjan Stevens has an existential crisis in the Great Godfrey Maze. the song is 19 seconds long, and consists of synth chords and some cymbals. it’s an interesting track, considering that it is simultaneously the most overtly personal, title-wise, on the album (as sufjan’s known to speak heavily in metaphor), yet also the least revealing in its actual content. sufjan chooses to follow this enigma of a track with Palisades, which i’d consider to be the emotional heart of the whole album. perhaps this could be considered to be an emotional prelude to Palisades.

the song opens minimally, with an arrangement of flute, guitar, and piano, contrasting the often orchestral big band feel the album has. i think that this smaller arrangement makes the song feel more personal, more authentic— the only other song on the record to do similar is John Wayne Gacy, Jr., which absolutely uses the even more minimal arrangement to give a more confessional feel. also noteworthy is that the song is in 6/8, which for the less musically inclined means that every measure consists of 6 eighth notes. 6/8 is commonly used for folk dance music like jigs or polkas, so it’s interesting sufjan uses it here. alternatively, you could think of it like two triplets per beat, a sort of double 3/4.

the song is also in e major, which is a key generally associated with joy and delight (according to Christian Schubart’s Ideen zu einer Aesthetik der Tonkunst). the chord progression, as far as i can discern, is E, C#madd11, Amaj7, F#m9. In the key of E, this is considered going from the I chord, to the vi chord, to the IV chord, to the ii. going from the I to the iv is not unusual, and is used in the famous “ice cream changes”, its effect being to prolong the tonic. in addition, it’s a submediant chord, which wants to resolve to the predominant. the chord also has a d# in it, which helps bring it a little closer to the Amaj7 chord. like the ice cream changes, the iv resolves to the IV here. contrary to the ice cream changes, though, this I-vi-IV progression is not just to add interest as opposed to just immediately going from the I to V. instead, sufjan does a little descending thirds type dealio. the Amaj7 gives us a little bit of the feeling of resolve because Amaj7 and E both have an e and an g# in common, but mostly provides the tension of wanting to resolve to the tonic. finally, sufjan takes us to the ii, which is a supertonic, or the I chord sung a step up, providing the release of tension wanted from the subdominant. also interesting about this progression is that every chord in it contains a g#, helping ease the transition from chord to chord. essentially, this progression is essentially a variation on the descending thirds progression, but with a little added flair. my last note here is that it’s an interesting contrast to descend with the chords while the intro flutes play an ascending melody.

wow, that was a lot of music theory, something i don’t know that much about! the song keeps this same progression pretty much throughout the whole song, except for the instrumental sections and the ending, but we’ll get to that in a bit. let’s get into the lyrics now, starting with the first verse:

“Thinking outrageously I write in cursive

I hide in my bed with the lights on the floor

Wearing three layers of coats and leg warmers

I see my own breath on the face of the door”

this first line is particularly beautiful, i think— we get the juxtaposition of his thoughts to how he is writing them down (in cursive), the translation of thoughts into action. cursive is inherently controlled, and meant to be beautiful, unlike his thoughts. there’s also a kind of self-censorship in writing in cursive, as opposed to writing in your own handwriting, because you are eliminating the less sightly parts of how you write and conforming to a certain way that people have decided words are meant to be written. i think you could even translate this to the entire song’s themes of how tiny actions are interpreted to be huge, sweeping statements. there’s also that once the vocals kick in, all the other instruments go out except for the guitar, and occasionally some vocal harmonies in the background, again giving this a very confessional and ethereal feel.

the rest of this verse is spent setting the mood of the story—lights on the floor, hiding in bed, a mood of secrecy. the “lights on the floor” particularly reminds me of my own experiences of summer camp, lying in bed with flashlights under the sheets while i read. i’d also interpret the reference to “leg warmers” as a callback to the 80s- sufjan’s said that this “was written in 1986”. there’s also this implied cold, what with the three layers and being able to see your breath, which i think is another juxtaposition to when the story took place, summer camp.

“Oh, I am not quite sleeping

Oh, I am fast in bed

There on the wall in the bedroom creeping

I see a wasp with her wings outstretched”

this second verse is a little bit puzzling. i’ve always puzzled over what “i am fast in bed” means, and the way i see it there are two interpretations: either sufjan physically got into bed quickly, or the one i like more, he’s kind of shortening “fast asleep” by saying “fast in bed”. I think these lyrics also add that cloud of sleepiness to the whole thing, like this is just a memory that comes to mind right before he falls asleep. and here is also where we first see the wasp, the catalyst for this memory. It’s described as “creeping”, again adding to the secretive nature of the memory, and also the possibly dream-like quality to the wasp. it’s also interesting that sufjan chooses here to characterize the wasp as female- the only way i can see to interpret this is that apparently female wasps, after mating, become solitary, so perhaps it has something to do with that?

then we have a little instrumental break, going from b to a, which are the V and IV chords, respectively. this is pretty standard, going from the dominant, which creates tension, back to a tonic. however, it’s here that the song’s arrangement gets a little more boisterous. along with the guitar come back the flutes playing a repeating melody line along with some percussion, and a strings section if i’m not mistaken? i couldn’t find performance credits for this song in particular so you’ll just have to take my word for it. as soon as this instrumental break ends, though, it goes straight back into just guitar.

“North of Savannah we swim in the palisades

I come out wearing my brother’s red hat

There on his shoulder my best friend is bit seven times

He runs washing his face in his hands”

here again sufjan is setting the scene, with tiny details- the swimming, the red hat. the interesting thing about this story is that its real life counterpart takes place in michigan, where he was born, but he moved it to illinois for the sake of the album. i think that this little twist of reality adds even more to the whole quality of this song as unreal, perhaps just a dream. while i’m tempted to say the red hat could be a reference to Catcher in the Rye, i did make it past 8th grade english so i’m not going to. here, also, is the first appearance of sufjan’s friend- named muppet, franco, or frankie, depending on what live video you’re watching. interesting that sufjan simply introduces him as a “we” here, like he’s just retelling the story to himself. we can also see that the actual wasp bites are not the actual thing in pain here, since he’s not washing his shoulder- he’s washing his face. something about this scene to me screams embarrassment, that he’s running, with his face in his hands. just as the wasp was only a metaphor, so too is the bite- for shame, for hurting. also worth considering is seven times- my boy suf is very religious and so we can certainly extrapolate something otherworldly about this, what with seven being a holy number.

“Oh, how I meant to tease him

Oh, how I meant no harm

Touching his back with my hand I kiss him

I see the wasp on the length of my arm”

the harmonic vocals are back in, giving this whole section a very holy feel as well. again, we have the “oh”s preceding two matching statements. some nice poetic repetition. this section in particular is also very interesting- even before sufjan tells us what he’s done, he’s defending himself. the way i see it, the wasp symbolizes the encroachment of the outside world, what others might think. we know sufjan knows that he should feel ashamed from the first two lines of the verse and just this simple declaration- that he kissed his friend- provokes the fear of being stung by the wasp, of hurting his friend through this small gesture because of society’s expectations. i also just love the simple detail that he’s touching his friend’s back, what a tender line? it’s also hard not to notice the imagery here with talking about bodies, first in the last stanza with the shoulder/hands/face, and here with the back/hand/arms. it’s also implied, at least to me, that they aren’t wearing shirts, seeing as they’re swimming, which adds to the raw vulnerability of this moment. anyway, it’s gay.

here there’s another instrumental break, this time with the same chords as the verse but with a trumpet part. It’s descending, following the chord progression, but also giving this section a kind of deflated and lonely feel. it repeats, again, with another trumpet harmonizing the melody line. this is kind of the last quiet moment in the song before it goes, as i’d say, Full Sufjan, with the arrangement. Immediately after, there’s a quick moment of quiet before the drums burst in, along with the flute intro melody, a harmonized lyrical part, and something that kind of sounds like a marimba? the chords also change here to a more major progression, that being E, B, F#m, A. that would be going from I, to the V, to the ii, to the IV. this is another pretty standard progression, with only one chord difference from the famous 4 Chords by Axis of Awesome progression. the only difference is that instead of going from the V to the vi, it goes to the ii. that creates a little more unresolve, because it’s going from a dominant to a subdominant instead of to a tonic, which creates the feeling of home. it is interesting, however, how sufjan then chooses to resolve the subdominant to another subdominant, which just continues that feeling of unresolve until it gets back to the tonic.

“Oh, great sights upon this state! Hallelujah!

Wonders bright, and rivers, lake. Hallelujah!”

this bit is a little less connected with this individual song over the album as a whole, with the overall themes of nature as religious experience. maybe it could also be interpreted as him feeling like this experience as a whole was holy, both in its setting and its content? not sure.

“We were in love, we were in love,

Palisades, Palisades

I can wait, I can wait”

oh god, the way this overlaps with the first vocal part just absolutely murders me. this right here is an undeniable declamation of the relationship between sufjan and his friend. it’s kind of like he’s saying “fuck you” to the wasp and making his love heard, but also intertwining it indelibly with the setting, with how it’s only halfway audible between all the other instrumentation going on. the way that this sole vocal line just comes bursting out of the background also just makes it feel like he was just so possessed by the beauty of his surroundings that he had to say it. also just- “i can wait”- like he knows that he’s not allowed this love now, but he can wait, he knows the palisades and his friend will still be there for him when he’s ready. around here is where the song really starts to feel dense and triumphant.

“Trail of Tears and Horseshoe Lake. Hallelujah!”

it’s interesting he chooses to bring up the trail of tears here, something terrible and heartbreaking that happened in Illinois, in the same breath as extolling the greatness of its land. perhaps this is his way of acknowledging the terrible things that can happen in beautiful places, how we can never quite separate the joy of a place without knowing that it was stolen from someone else.

then the vocals take a break for a second, to let the horns do the opposite of their line before, playing an ascending line, alongside some little xylophone twinkles and a woodwinds section. then returns the “we were in love, we were in love” line. this time it builds over that, with the guitars coming back in, the choral background, and more dramatic percussion.

“Lamb of god, we sound the horn. Hallelujah

Unto us your ghost is born. Hallelu-!”

okay, so lamb of god obviously refers to jesus christ. horns are a disputed symbol in christianity, simultaneously being used as symbols of strength or divine power and haughtiness or arrogance. in this case though, where the horn is being used as an instrument, i think that it’s being used as a call to action, or to battle, like in Psalm 81:3, “Sound the ram's horn at the New Moon, and when the moon is full, on the day of our festival”. based on the second lyric, i think that this is reference to the birth of jesus, since “unto us your ghost is born” mirrors the Christmas hymn in Isaiah 9:6: “For unto us a child is born, unto us a son is given, and the government will be on his shoulders.” however, it could also be talking about the love between sufjan and his friend, saying one should rejoice in it. Genius interprets the second line as God’s ghost being born, but seeing as the original line is talking about Jesus being born, I’m inclined to believe that this is Jesus’s ghost being born. i think that this is referencing the Transfiguration of Jesus, since for the most part Christians don’t believe in ghosts, but i’m not sure how it connects to the rest of the song. perhaps sufjan is saying that Jesus’s reincarnation was in the love between him and his friend? if anyone who’s more well-versed in interpreting religious imagery wants to pitch in, be my guest. this next verse is a little long, so i’m going to split it in two.

“I can’t explain the state that I’m in

The state of my heart, he was my best friend

Into the car, from the back seat

Oh, admiration in falling asleep”

here all the joyous instrumentation of before cuts out and it’s just sufjan and flutes. first there’s a nice little double entendre with “state” meaning both emotional state and physical geographical state. this verse i think he’s facing his own fear at loving someone he’s not supposed to love. It’s kind of like an argument with himself- we weren’t in love, we couldn’t have been because he’s my best friend. the next few lines are pretty vague, but to me they read like sufjan and his friend hooking up in the back of a car, and the tender moments in which he watches his friend sleep.

“All of my powers, day after day

I can tell you, we swaggered and swayed

Deep in the tower, the prairies below

I can tell you—the telling gets old”

the backing vocal harmonies come back in here on “i can tell you”, sort of giving it a holy feel, plus some piano gets added in here. once again, this is pretty vague. the way i see it, sufjan is saying that despite “all of my powers”, however much he wants to repress it, he still loves his friend. i’m not sure what sufjan means by “swaggered and swayed” but it does really remind me of that one scene from Call Me By Your Name. “deep in the tower, prairies below” could be more imagery, especially since sufjan describes this camp as a high up tower on a hill, but maybe it could also be a reference to the tower of babel, since that’s the most popular tower in christianity. the last line i like a lot, both repeating the line a couple lines before and juxtaposing it with “i can’t explain the state that i’m in”, sort of saying that it’s something that can’t really be explained except for in flashes of memories. then the “oh great sights upon this state” bit begins to repeat again, starting to build the drama.

“Terrible sting, and terrible storm

I can tell you the day we were born

My friend is gone, he ran away

I can tell you, I love him each day”

this first line implies that what they have feared has happened- something happened between them so that they suffered from the opinions of others as a result of their love. this is strengthened by the third line, which also calls back to his friend running after getting stung, as if the shame of this love has gotten to him. the second line seems to me to connect back to “unto us your ghost in born”, and it’s interesting that he says “we” here, and says to me that this is not a birth, per say, but a rebirth, through their love. there’s also again the double repetition of “i can tell you”, again making it feel like this is a confession, or a story being told. this verse just strengthens to me the fact that this is a love song, perhaps one that ends in tragedy, but a love song nonetheless.

“Though we have sparred, wrestled, and raged

I can tell you, I love him each day”

this first line i see multiple interpretations of. one is that “we” is him and the wasp, saying he’s literally struggled with his sexuality and how others might react to it. the second is that he is still talking about him and his friend, saying that they fought, but in a loving way only obvious to them. right after this the “we were in love, we were in love” line comes back in and the song reaches its final peak with three dueling vocal lines. but then, the song does something unexpected, the vocal lines fading out and ending mid “hallelujah”, just to be replaced by cymbal sounds and a droning guitar chord. this continues for a long 20 seconds, giving a very anxious feeling to the end of the song before just abruptly ending and going into They Are Night Zombies!! They Are Neighbors!! They Have Come Back From the Dead!! Ahhhh!!.

in conclusion, this is a love song, told through the framing device of the wasp. this is the story of a love that couldn’t be, but it still exists, frozen in time in the palisades, something like a dream. this is everything we could not be, capsulized into tiny fragments that we can hold forever.

#sufjan stevens #sufjan #illinois #asthmatic kitty #the predatory wasp of the palisades is out to get us

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quippingwithquyne · 5 years

Audio

This is un-edited for now. I am leaving it as a Stream of Consciousness until then.

In 2013, I stumbled upon a cheeky video called Disney Dudez by Todrick Hall in collaboration with the boyband IM5. It was cheesy but in an absolutely enjoyable way. I remember that Dalton Rapattoni (Cinderella/Prince Henry) and Will Jay (Mulan/Shang) stood out the most to me; Will Jay for his great control and Dalton for his purpose voice. I don't know if a term yet exists for this concept but for now, I call it a “purpose voice.” After a recent manic episode, I finally found a way to articulate how I’ve always felt about music and why my support and love for Dalton’s music still hasn’t wavered. To this day, his music is able to make me feel things and think long and hard about it. I like to think of my voice and songs as a mosaic of inspirations, whether it be celebrities, musicians, friends, family, or memories. He didn’t help my find my voice but Dalton’s influence since 2014 has heavily impacted my journey through finding my own voice and purpose as a singer-songwriter, which is why my “re-imagined” cover of his song “Heaven” was important to me.

A purpose voice is almost like a purpose statement. When we apply for some colleges, we are expected to articulate exactly what makes us stand out from the thousands of applicants who want to succeed in the same field of interest. To me, it’s the same difference as seeing someone who’s singing for the attention versus using it as a vice to strip into a vulnerability that connects with the audience. Some artists have the luxury of being able to write their own lyrics to tell the audience their story with purpose. Others may have difficulty doing this with covers of other people’s songs but even so (and like Dalton), they sing it with their own purpose that may or may not have anything to do with the original version.

And then there’s a purpose song sung with a purpose voice. These are usually the profound tear-jerkers or emotionally driven songs like “Shallow” by Lady Gaga, “By Now” by Will Jay, or one of my favorites: “Music” by Jojo (stylized “Music.”) “Music” is quite literally about Jojo’s purpose and why she does music. It starts out talking about singing as a young girl to escape from overhearing her parents’ arguments, then later on growing up poor, watching her mom at work, and singing the troubles of poverty and hardship away. Music is the subject the love song is dedicated towards and the way Jojo articulates her lyrics is chilling. She is parched and longing for a sip of music to hold onto during hard times. The last part hits home for those who have lost a loved one and she dedicates the bridge to her late father, “went on the road to make my daddy proud / but I lost him and so I sang to the crowd / my only hope is that he’s looking down thinking, ‘oh my god, my daughter’s doing it now.’” There’s almost never been quite the song that describes the relationship between music and musician. I think “Music” does this so well in making it as holy grail as water is to survival. Overall, this song exemplifies the perfect matrimony between meaningful lyrics sung with vulnerable conviction – purpose.

Somewhere in Sunnyvale, Texas and approximately fourteen years ago, a nine year old boy was diagnosed with bipolar disorder. It was difficult understanding every emotion he experienced as he grew up no matter how many times a doctor or his mother would explain. His grandma later gifted him guitar lessons and he enrolled into a nearby music camp, School of Rock, where he and his peers and mentors discovered he could sing. He formed the band Fly Away Hero and it was clear music saved him every time he performed. At age fifteen, he ended up in a boyband where he was singing things he didn’t like and after a few years, he left to reunite with Fly Away Hero and sing with his whole heart again. This was the era in which I discovered Dalton Rapattoni.

I was going through a writer’s block and had not yet been aware about my bipolar disorder at the time but I remember watching these pixelated videos of a carefree Dalton rocking out with some of his best friends and instantly became hooked to his songwriting style. “Hercules” was one of the most inspirational songs that kicked the fire of my songwriting spree that spawned my debut album “It’s a Wacky World” (still available on iTunes and all other streaming platforms!) Whenever I get excited about anything, I scream it to the heavens and I must have done it so much, made so many covers, painted so many obscure memes about Dalton to the point where it could have been an obsession. The parasocial relationship became a nice banter-and-exchange when I met him in Texas at his EP release party. It was a magical moment for me. He moves like he was born for the stage in a way that television or YouTube could never fully display. After that Texas trip, I definitely made some posts for attention and had to remind my fangirl self that he’s human, too. But like my respect for Charlie Puth, Ed Sheeran, Beyonce, and other inspirational artists, my dreams about Dalton were closer to sharing the stage and nothing more. I knew nothing about his actual personality but I felt so connected in our music styles, songwriting style, and artistry. It was like his music breathed life into mine again.

I didn’t understand why I struggled so much inside. I thought I possibly had ADHD or was just plain stupid compared to my peers in schools. I didn’t get the best grades but I was well-read and teachers still described me as “smart.” Music was where I felt like I could go anywhere with it despite it not giving me anything back in return other than a mental dose of amphetamine. It wasn’t until I talked to one of my doctors about my thoughts about ADHD, to which he said, “actually…it’s bipolar disorder.” You never know what you have until you ask and I was always afraid to ask but the manic episodes were becoming more and more frequent. Years later, I started shutting myself in my room and locking the door whenever I pleased. My very Asian parents had never let me lock the door before 2018 and while some will think it’s controlling, I was used to that. However, I was in my early twenties now so they stopped questioning my choices to lock the door.

I started writing again. Even though years have passed since I flew over to Texas to meet Dalton, I felt even more connected to him upon learning about his bipolar disorder. I was always curious about what “Heaven” was about (but honestly, I’m curious about pretty much all of his songs) and perhaps there was some deeper meaning than learning how to pray again after a breakup with a “heavenly” girl. Maybe it isn’t his purpose song but it was his first solo single and it hit home for me when I listened again in 2018. I had the same feeling that I felt when I listened to “Music” by Jojo. Whatever it means to Dalton, I interpret it as his ode to music (“I found my heaven in you, coming back to your embrace.) It is 2019 and I experienced another writer’s block so I returned to binge his music once again. I sung Heaven in harmony with voice but this time, with purpose. It fulfilled a long ago dream of sharing the stage with him, even though it wasn’t real. I locked my bedroom door, closed my eyes, and felt like I was just sharing a moment with someone who understood my struggles and coped with them through a similar outlet.

Dalton mentioned years ago that perhaps maybe we could share the stage sometime and I don’t think it’ll ever come true but “Heaven” is as close as I can get. I was just overjoyed enough to receive such kind words from him. I wrote It’s a Wacky World after taking some inspiration from the Fly Away Hero “Lost and Found” era and I like to think that my writing spree catalyst – his music – will always somehow be a part of me. It definitely started out sounding like his work until I found my own voice and I think I found something that works for me that incorporates Charlie Puth, Ed Sheeran, Max Milner, and of course, Dalton Rapattoni. I know I found my purpose voice so thank you, Dalton. I hope that my future works can do the same for others well.

#dalton rapattoni #heaven #cover #nobodys home #im5 #disney dudez #dalton #quyne #acoustic #harmonies #harmony #american idol #fly away hero #flyawayhero #flyawaydalton #fly away dalton

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thecatalystpublicitygroup · 7 years

Text

Thanksgiving Bangers and Mash

Here at Catalyst, we have a lot to be thankful for this year. From our clients to our team to the many people who help make the whole operation run smoothly, the list could go on and on. But more than anything, we are all thankful for the music that helps us get through every day. So in celebration of the Thanksgiving holiday, we decided to compile a Spotify playlist filled with songs from our clients, the songs that they are most thankful for and the songs our team is most thankful for! We’ve even all included a little blurb about why the songs mean so much to us. Check it all out below, and let us know what songs you’re most thankful for this Thanksgiving season!

RIVALS

Bring Me The Horizon - “Avalanche” 30 Seconds To Mars - “This Is War” We’re thankful for both these songs because they were such a huge influence to our writing style on Damned Soul. They’ve played such a large role not only in our personal lives but for our musical careers as well.

HOME ABOVE

Sum 41 - “The Hell Song”

I (Cameron) chose this song because this is the track that ignited my love for music, and without it I never would have went to a show or ever picked up a guitar.

Foo Fighters - “The Sky Is A Neighborhood”

I'm thankful for this track because in an ever changing world of music, Dave & The Foos continue to prove that rock n roll is still able to be better than ever.

VICIOUS.

Conditions - “When It Won't Save You”

Bayside - “They Looked Like Strong Hands”

Both of these bands always make it back to me in the hardest of times, forever thankful for them both.

MAGGIE SCHNEIDER

All Time Low - "Good Times"

I chose this track because it reminds me of all of the great memories I've made with my best friends.

Taylor Swift - "New Year's Day"

I chose this track because it is all about being in love and how some of the best moments in a relationship are the simplest. Swift paints this picture beautifully.

CARA LEIGH

Jimmy Eat World - “The World You Love”

This song highlights some of their intricate and emotional songwriting. Their album Futures is nostalgic for me, and I continue to love this track, even 13 years after it's release.

Moneen - “Don't Ever Tell Locke What He Can't Do”

I absolutely love Moneen. I find their songwriting and musicianship to be inspiring, and their live shows are so high energy and unforgettable. I picked this track because it gets me pumped, which is a similar feeling I have when there is a holiday like Thanksgiving!

THE WORLD OVER

Ryan’s Pick: Foxy Shazam - "Evil Thoughts"

That record as a whole always put me in a good mood, even though some of the lyrical themes are kind of dark. I just love their happy-go-lucky approach to music. But that song in particular really makes me think about life. How I've gotten to where I am and what to do next, past present and future.

Tiaday’s Pick: Now Now - “SGL”

When this song came out this year, I couldn’t get it out of my head and I am so thankful for Now, Now’s music. The composition of their songs are so simple and yet so complete. It resonates with me on a songwriting front, and I’ve referenced a lot of themes in the way that they write when it comes to writing with The World Over’s upcoming full length.

NIGHT ARGENT

Coldplay - “The Scientist”

John Legend - “Made to Love”

“The Scientist” is the song that inspired me to start songwriting. John Legend is one of the most talented performers I’ve ever seen live, and “Made to Love” is a song that I could listen to on repeat.

LAURA BREHM

Ellie Goulding - “Devotion”

I love the way acoustic guitar and Ellie's voice drives this track, but the EDM influence makes it even better. The mix of these styles is my favorite sound and the lyrics mean a lot to me in this one!

Imogen Heap - “Hide and Seek”

A rare song where just the vocals a cappella are enough. The vocoder she uses is absolutely beautiful, and it will never cease to inspire me.

DRMCTHR

Alanis Morissette - "Head Over Feet"

We picked this track as Alanis Morissette is one of our favorite musicians from the ‘90s and someone who has inspired us as songwriters. We love how this track is a juxtaposition to some of her other tracks from "Jagged Little Pill," and her vocal delivery makes you believe every word she sings. The National - "I Need My Girl"

We're all very big fans of the National, and "I Need My Girl" is a song that hit us at the perfect time. It's a song that hits us right in our guts and the guitar playing in this song is phenomenal.

THE COMPLEX DIALECT

Earnie’s Pick: Kendrick Lamar - “DNA”

With “DNA” being the first full song on Kendrick's latest album, I really appreciated how it set the tone not only for the rest of the album, but for the year of 2017 for me. The aspect of calling out the nitty gritty both externally and internally is really inspiring.

Lola’s Pick: Lizzo - “Bother Me” “Bother Me” is a two for one type of song. The first half has such a sense of attitude, but then gives way to the vocoder harmonies. It's tender and inquisitive; has a sense of longing.

BUTCH PARNELL

Ryan Adams - “Let It Ride”

Noel Gallagher - “Sunday Morning Call”

I chose these two songs because they are my two favorite songwriters. I learned to write songs by deconstructing Oasis songs, and Ryan Adams was the one that convinced me to pursue a career as a musician.

STEPH

The Dear Hunter - “Saved”

Millencolin - “Fingers Crossed”

I struggle with depression and a rare/lesser-known version of PTSD called C-PTSD. “Saved” is a song by The Dear Hunter that makes me feel like someone gets it, understands. The verses seem to describe what it’s like to struggle with PTSD, but also provide a positive outlook and a potential for being “saved.” Millencolin’s “Fingers Crossed” is also my feel-good, go-to track whenever I need a major pick-me-up. It’s poppy/lively vibe and positive lyrics can pull you out of any shitty mood. I’m always thankful for these two songs, especially when things get really hard.

LUCY

Busted - "On What You're On"

Yellowcard - "Awakening"

I have vivid memories of listening to both Busted and Yellowcard when I was younger, and they will always be bands who have not only played an influential role in my life, but have also brought about lifelong friendships. "On What You're On" is from Busted's latest album which is so different than the music they have been known for, but it still has you feeling good and wanting to dance. As for Yellowcard, the band has helped me get through some of the toughest times of my life, and "Awakening" is that song that really makes me feel alive. I could never be more appreciative to these bands for the music they've created.

JEN

The Starting Line - “Cheek to Cheek”

The Starting Line brings back such amazing memories and “Cheek to Cheek” will always be that favorite go-to jam song for me. If I could just add every TSL song I would!

The Academy Is… - “Down and Out”

I’ll never forget the first time seeing The Academy Is… at Warped Tour and feeling like life couldn’t get any better. Whenever I listen to Almost Here, it takes me back to being in that crowd surrounded by friends without a worry in the world.

JESSICA

Dawes - “All Your Favorite Bands”

I’ve always respected Dawes as a band and creative entity, but it wasn’t until I heard “All Your Favorite Bands” that something resonated with me. This song just makes me think of the happiest and saddest of times. It’s a farewell in the nicest way and it gets me every time I listen to it.

The Maine - “How Do You Feel?”

The Maine is my all time favorite band (other than The Beatles) so picking a song from them was a no brainer here. “How Do You Feel?” is from their latest album, Lovely Little Lonely, and it’s a song that has stuck with me since I heard the album for the first time. It asks questions that we may not often ask ourselves or those around us and really makes you reflect on the things in your life that are important.

Listen to the full playlist here.

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