been talking to the instigator of prob all the brilliance, for lack of a better term, in my wisconsin social circle including much of that in me... transmitted like a virus... her mother was abusive
C: I am drawn to u cuz u have half the insane and genuine genius
H: why thank you, that could also describe yourself aptly. richard always said you were the smartest person he knew
H: it's weird watching my life unfold because everything's an aquired taste. i don't like something and then become it -- that keeps happening
C: But careful ha like as we are we'll be as careful as Poe dead fucked dying in a gutter drunk but genius erelasting
H: well there's always the other Poe. it was asking for too much for all the songs to sound like this one
C: You were smart that he envied and could not learn from but became bitter and one of his biggest losses and for sure regrets if he still hasn't learned
H: i think his condescension is kinda built in but sometimes i think when i run from some people, which i do, they will have to find a new whipping boy to replace me
H: which is their downfall and my revenge heh
H: richard's smart in a lot of ways that i'm not tho. he speaks language so crisply in his aspirations to move upward where i still sound a bit hick
C: I was a girl so not as threatening I remember enjoying a lot of their songs but haven't in a whiley
H: also no matter how much i binge on movies i will never catch up to richard's rolodex of having found time to watch every film ever
H: even if i did nothing but watch 4 movies a day for a year he'd still be ahead
H: also envious that he got a degree from ritzy U of Chicago but I'm gonna be an Illinois starting in December to stay so it's always an option
H: i just don't want to screw up my potential which i prob will
H: flush it all down on working some dumb IT job
H: which i might
H: that's the missing piece mostly... i got it all under control except you know the job and what to even do creativity
H: so you know, the two most important parts
H: i got the rest pretty much under control and operational at this point
(have I though, kids? Haven't staunched the bleeding in my head if it's still nightmares about my dad for days)
C: When we were 15 and passed out watching bette Davis and I was missing 1/2he wAs 200flicks ahead and retaining all he was 6and escaping in movies there's no catching up 24/7
H: Yeah it's an escape zone for him and a chore for me, a struggle to even keep my eyes on them. books are my escape zone but i feel like i've hit a wall and have banned myself from reading til Jan 1 2025
C: I know u probably feel unworthy but you are a natural self made diamond, it's hard to find a setting without some shady jewelerz getting grimy hands on you but an original miracle best not end up in hands of filthy ,money that can always pay but never appreciate better in a museum
C: Omg if you're trying to convince Jesse to visit u u gotta let me ride along I'm trying to convince him to drive me to a dispensary I met him just after Richard I'm crazy but just as anxious about meeting anyone as you could possibly be and Jesse would be an intermediary Id prolly just mumbling crazy under my breath to function
C: And get ur autograph that might be awkward but I'm awkward like that lol
H: i met u once tho with richard a long time ago, i was pretty quiet, he swung by your house
H: it was prob 18 years ago. he was saying C's not herself these days
H: i prob hardly said more than hello and nice to meet you. we weren't there too long, 20 miniutes max
C: Now I'm in a not sure of myself diAna mood but sure of your vivacity
H: i was quite quiet and said little back then except when i did the rock band. then i got loud on the keyboard. then around prob 35 i finally started to actually talk a lot
H: it was one of those abuse things where it was just 'shut up shut up don't sit with us' thanks Wiscconsin... so I was sort of having this internal world and loading books into me and then music.
C: I regret vsi much of my life when I kinda was so we worried about meeting myself let alone x person I damaged and erased my brain and experiences
H: some of my brain feels that way lately. some stuff isn't sticking as well. prob a ton of it gets flushed late in life
C: Take that dad even if he's not listening Take that old Lance look at me know Take that C, I like it give me more
H: yeah. i would be able to wrestle my old self down so hard, pin him to the floor and show him a good time now. heh.
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