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adopocalype · 9 months

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It was a sunny day in Dreamland, and everyone had a gun. Swearing, violence, furries, several outdated memes, this fic has it all! Join out motley crew as they fight to stop the werewolf apocalypse. Inspired almost entirely by the Super Edgy Kirby Theory Generator.

I first started this all the way back in January of 2019 and I don't believe it'll ever be fully done. A bit of a shame, there would have been a scene where Void Termina breaks all of Nightmare's bones, a full on war between all of the characters that would have become werwolves and those who didn't, with a few neutral parties (namely 02) just attacking everything they see, and of course, it would have ended with the surviving cast all taking a trip to Hot Topic together.

But this first chapter's actually been done for a while and I though now might as well be a good a time as ever to finally upload it. With all that said, here it is-

The Edgiest Kirby fic Ever Made chapter 1: This might be the only chapter

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It was a bright and sunny summer afternoon in one of the less populated corners of Dreamland, and a Tac had found a gun and was on a murderous rampage. Birdons and scarfys fleeing in terror as the Tac fired wildly. A Sir Kibble got hit and died, bleeding blood that was made out of blood.

Soon, Tac had killed everyone. But apparently not everyone, as a certain pumpkin wearing a top hat shot him in the back with a gun of his own. Squashini said nothing and left with a swish of his cape, justice having been served.

From the distant shadows at the edge of the woods, Poppy Bro Sr. watched ominously. Poppy Bro Jr. and Boomer exchanged glances tiredly, knowing that dad was in the middle of another one of his evil schemes, and they both decided to not get involved, heading off to the arcade.

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Later that night in Cappy Town, Chef Kawasaki was putting pineapple on pizza for Mr. Frosty.

"Gosh, no one ever told me you could put fruit on a pizza before!" said Kawasaki, whom had had this forbidden knowledge intentionally restricted from him previously, but apparently Mr. Frosty hadn't gotten the memo on that.

"I wonder what else I could put on a pizza," he pondered, and left to go find ingredients.

Eventually he found himself in a dark and ominous alleyway, harvesting some mushrooms, that may or may not have been edible, from under a dumpster. He pulled one out and got up gleefully, not noticing a pair of glowing red eyes behind him.

"Hey, guy," greeted the shadowy figure the eyes belonged to, "Word on the street is that you're a furry."

Kawasaki turned around, smiling obliviously as always, "Why, yes I am. You wanna RP or something?"

"…Not exactly. How'd you like to be a sharp-toothed, hairy beast for real?" the ominous person offered ominously.

Kawasaki looked a little downtrodden "Oh, sorry but I can't afford to buy a fursuit right now with my current profit intake. I've been thinking of setting up a patreon for myself, but I would need people who actually like the things that I produced for that to work…"

The shadowy stranger, who was very obviously the villain of this fanfiction, was getting tired of this orange, potato-shaped man's talking.

"You know what? Forget this, I'm just gonna skip to the part where I turn you into a werewolf like me. BWAHAHAHAHAA!" He laughed, showing off his fangs.

"Werewolf? Wait! No! But my fursona is a cat! Oh, this is what I get for not doing my homework! WAAAAGH!!" Kawasaki wailed as the shadowy figure pounced on him.

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The next day, Adeleine (who is a human) was wandering around one of the many fields of solidified clouds that are scattered across the mid-atmosphere of Popstar, as one does when they are an Adeleine. As she was walking, she was suddenly struck with a craving for breadsticks.

"I'm going to McDonal- I mean Kawasaki's, do you want anything?!" she shouted to anyone who might be in the area.

"Hamburger," Taranza answered, then went back to crying.

"Hamburger," Kracko said, materializing out of clouds behind her.

"HAMBURGER," came the near-unison response of the various fifty or so waddle dees, bronto burts, birdons, and whatever else was up there.

Adeline pointed finger guns at everyone and flopped backwards through the layer of clouds, falling down to Dreamland at an incredible speed. She landed face down with a loud thump next to Mr. Frosty, who was still waiting for his pizza. She got up and dusted herself off.

"Boy, it's been a lot easier getting back down here ever since I became immune to fall damage," she thought out loud, walking into the restaurant.

"Rev up those fryers, 'cause I sure am…" she waited for the ritual's completion, and was confused when the part where she got picked up and thrown outside never came.

"Nani…?" she whispered, a camera zooming in on her face.

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Outside, Meta Knight tackled a foe through a wall, accidentally hitting a vividria in the face with debris. The vividria shouted "FRICK!" as loud as she could, while Meta continued to grapple with his opponent.

"My sincerest apologies, miss, but I must defeat this vicious dragon!" he shouted as held his enemy from running away.

"WHAT THE ACTUAL HELL IS YOUR PROBLEM?!" Chuchu the octopus yelled, as she was obviously not a dragon. She slapped him with a tentacle hard enough to stun him and ran away screaming.

"Get back here you gold-hoarding villain!" he shouted as he took chase, unknowingly causing Daroach to quietly start crying. The mouse covered his face with his hat. He knew he had a problem, but he didn't need to bother anyone else with it. He left to go sulk by himself.

As Meta Knight continued to chase the screaming pink octopus, thankfully having forgotten he had a sword, his edgy doppelgänger watched from the Mirror World through the reflection in a window.

"That dumb bitch's schizophrenia is acting up again," Dark Meta Knight stated the obvious, "I really hope that's something that I didn't inherit when I spawned in his image."

Shadow Dedede walked up, eating a bag of chips, "Lol, you prolly got it too. You're gonna be chasing flying cookies any day now," he taunted.

"Shut the hell your mouth, Sad-ow Dedede!" he snarled, harshly poking the spooky penguin in the gut. Shadow Dedede started sniffling, which soon became full-blown sobbing.

"Why are you so MEAN?!" he cried, pure black tears dripping down his face like oil.

Dark Meta rolled his eyes, "Because I'm EDGY you estúpido pingüino!" (That's Spanish for stupid penguin. Why Spanish, you ask? Because I'm going with the 4Kids dub voices and you can't stop me.) He threw his hands in the air for emphasis, "Being mean is like, the second step for being edgy, right after shopping at Hot Topic!"

Dark Meta would have continued to berate Shadow Dedede, but an alarm he set on his phone went off, "That time already?! I've gotta be at the furry roleplay session in five minutes!" he exclaimed in disbelief. He grabbed his animal-ear headband and jumped through the window reflection into the real world, sprinting off at top speed

As Dark Meta Knight channelled his inner anime-girl-with-toast-in-her-mouth, he passed a hospital where, unbeknownst to him, an eldritch evil lay dormant.

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"You're positively certain?" 02 asked, his usually monotone voice edged with what sounded like actual concern.

"Yes sir, I'm sorry but the test results don't lie, you have severe radiation poisoning," that one doctor cappy from the anime, who's name I haven't bothered to remember, answered.

02 shifted his position on the examination table, which had already been completely crushed by his mass, "How could this even happen? I'm the embodiment of death."

"I thought Necrodeous was the embodiment of death," Dr. Nameless stated, raising an eyebrow.

"No, Necrodeous is just some kid's fan character," 02 explained, rolling his bloodshot eye exasperatedly, "Now tell me why I'm radioactive."

From the other side of the astral plane, Necrodeous looked downward dejectedly, "Heck…" he muttered as a tear fell from his eye-socket, distraught from the sick burn 02 had given him.

Dr. Whatshisface hummed thoughtfully, "Hmmm… Have you eaten any birdons lately?"

02 shifted his gaze around, seemingly embarrassed, "I… Perhaps, what of it?"

Dr. Moustache-Man shook his head disappointedly, "Birdons are a highly radioactive subspecies of parrot that mutated into being as a result of Meta Knight's nuclear testing. Why else would they look like that? That's not a hat on their heads, it's a massive, hardened tumour!"

02 visibly recoiled in disgust, "UGH! Oh, by the blackest of black holes, I think I'm going to be sick," he shuddered, the thorns on his tail bristling, "Guhhhh… I can't believe I actually ate that thing. I need to get my diet together."

Dr. Changeshisnamealot tapped his pen on his clipboard, "You'll be dead within two weeks, Mr. 02, I don't think that's something you should be worried about."

02 blinked, "Well, fuck."

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"Language!" shouted Zan Partizanne. Hyness looked up from playing Five Nights at Freddy's on his phone, "But I didn't say it this time," he whined.

Zan glowered out the window at the hospital, "SOMEone did."

The game screeched at him, causing him to scream at a volume that rivalled a jet engine taking off, and he pelted the phone into the wall, effectively breaking it.

He stared at the shattered phone, "Flamberge can I borrow your phone?" he asked loudly.

"No! I'm using it!" she yelled from the next room over, "I'm listening to Linkin Park!"

"I thought you were having friends over?" Zan asked, still glaring out the window.

Flamberge appeared in the doorway, wearing an animal-ear headband, "It's an irl furry roleplay session, Zan. And no one's here yet, so I'm bored!"

Dark Meta Knight burst through the door, then collapsed, breathing heavily, "Hah, hah… I made it!" he threw his hands in the air victoriously.

Hyness approached Flamberge with an expectant look, she sighed and handed him her phone, "Whatever you do to this, I'll do to your spine," she threatened. He grabbed it and scampered back to the couch, giggling madly as he looked for another overrated horror game to play.

Flamberge sighed, "It makes sense that you're late, and Magolor told me ahead of time that he was cancelling today, but where the heck is Kawasaki?"

DMK put on his headband, "Probably making another atrocity of nature in the kitchen, let's start without him."

"Yeah okay, let's do… the store! I'll be the cashier."

"Alright, uhh…" DMK cleared his throat, "Hewwo, I would wike to buy some bwagles pwese. UwU."

"Dat will be twenty dowollars pwese," Flamberge informed him, ringing up an imaginary cash register.

"OwO! I down't hawe twenty dowollars! Is thewe anowther way I could pay you? owo?" he asked, leaning in close.

"oWo?" she inquired.

"I hawe a cwedit cawd, UwO," he said, producing the plastic rectangle with a wink.

"0w0!" Fwam- err Flamberge confirmed.

Francisca walked out of the fridge, "Okay, I need to go on a walk now. A very long walk. Jam-buh-bye everyone," she said as she headed for the door.

"Alright. Have fun, stay safe," Zan instructed, still trying to determine the specific room to target as she handled her spear ominously. Hyness, still completely engrossed in Flamberge's phone, waved slightly.

"Jwam-buh-bwye, Fwan! OwO!" Flamberge called as she waved.

Francisca left slightly faster.

Outside, a part of the hospital's walls were blown off from a powerful wing swat as a very large, white, spherical creature left the building.

"THERE YOU ARE!" Zan bellowed, unleashing her fully charged "electro eclair" attack.

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Adeleine ignored the loud explosion followed by a furious roar of pain in the distance, rather focusing on the mission at hand: To find Kawasaki and make him cook sixty-five hamburgers and a triple order of breadsticks. She had recruited the assistance of Kirby, whom just wanted to make the potato-man cook for him too, and Marx, who while in the mood for some of Kawasaki's infamous "temperature-of-the-surface-of-the-sun" curry, was also hoping to cause as much mayhem as physically possible.

Also Susie was there, following the group from a five meter distance because either Kirby or Marx, she didn't know which one, had eaten her cellphone. And she was going to stalk them until one of them coughed it up or they died. Also Magolor was there, he was following Susie, and was whining incessantly about how they were supposed to be on a date.

"Suuuuuue… Come OOOOOOOOOONNNNN… I had to cancel my weekly furry roleplay session today for this! And besides, you know these two, they're inde-fucking-structible! Can't we just smooch in an alleyway or something?"

Susie ignored him, continuing to glare at the trio ahead of them. Marx periodically glanced back at them with suspicion, as Taranza was also dating Magolor. Really though, a lot of people were dating Magolor: Taranza, Susie and nine different waddle dees. (Three of which had mysteriously vanished after a date with him, much to the chagrin his sentient houseboat, The Lor Starcutter.)

Maggie's polyamorous ways aside, Adeleine was now walking backwards to look at the two pursuers.

"Hey, you guys seen Kawasaki lately?!" she shouted to be heard from their five meter distance.

"Have you checked the furry groupchat?!" Magolor shouted back.

Adeleine pursed her lips, pulled out her phone and opened up a groupchat she had labeled as "commission farm."

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<Heey>

<Hello.>

<No.>

<Understandable, have a nice day.>

<Jamanke. You as well.>

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"Well that was a dry hole," she concluded, pocketing her phone and giving Magolor a shrug. Then turned back around, continuing her search.

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END OF CHAPTER 1

Here are all of the prompts from the Super Edgy Kirby Theory Generator used for this chapter in order:

Tac ………with a gun

Tac killed everyone

Sir Kibble's blood…is blood

Squashini ………with a gun

Poppy Bros. Sr is the villain

Mr. frosty likes pineapple on their pizza

Chef Kawasaki is a furry

Chef Kawasaki is a werewolf

Chef Kawasaki doesn't do their homework

Adeleine is a human

Vividria says frick

Chuchu is a dragon

Daroach secretly suffers from depression

Meta knight has (very inaccurately portrayed) schizophrenia

Dark Meta Knight is edgy

Shadow Dedede cries black tears

Dark Meta Knight is a furry

Zero is radioactive

Birdon is the result of a harmless creature getting radiation poisoning in a nuclear apocalypse

02 is the embodiment of death

Necrodeus is just some kid's fan character

Necrodeus says heck

Zero has a deadly disease and only has a short time to live

Hyness has said the F word before

Hyness enjoys playing every overrated horror game out there

Flamberge likes to listen to Linken Park

Flamberge is a furry

#Kirby #fanfiction #fanfic #crack fic #this actually probably isn't as edgy as advertized #adeleine #chef kawasaki #dark meta knight #zero two kirby #02 kirby #zan partizanne #hyness #flamberge #magolor #not gonna tag everyone #DO NOT reupload anywhere! I'll get to it myself EVENTUALLY

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