And like the whole thing about the burning, I burned myself because I felt bad and it made me feel better and in control and I found the sensation to be pleasurable and it helped me not kill myself. And then she had the audacity to tell me it's ugly, unattractive and that's why she isn't attracted to me (one of a bajillion reasons mentioned since this fucking ordeal started). I always did it by myself, for myself. And then she burns herself in front of me repeatedly and is mocking me being like "oh, it feels so good, it feels so orgasmic,ect" just basically repeating what I told her when she asked me about it after I disclosed my self harm. And then she's like "see you don't care about me" when I didn't stop her, although I did try and stop her repeatedly by breaking the cigarette she was using to burn herself and throwing it out the window. It's just so messed up everything is so messed up. The more I think about it, I'm just like wtf am I still going on? What the fuck is wrong with me? Why do I care when someone shows me just how little they care about me? I just feel like some deranged masochistic idiot. I'm living in a fantasy land thinking things can get better from here... but they can't. Like how can you go back from this? From 2 years of secret relationships, the daily lies and deceit, the trickle truth, the non monogamous claims, the fact that she thinks these fucked up online dynamics are love, then I guess compared to that our relationship is literal trash. I am trash. Still dreaming of peru. Trying to find the latest edition of the peaceful pill handbook but on Amazon and ebay they only have copies pre-2020...and obviously with stores constantly changing, that info is no longer relevant. I'm not 50 and I don't have a terminal illness so I can't buy from exit international directly. I'm wondering if I can make a fake ID online and see if I can get the updated copy of the book that way. Idk. Maybe I should just go to peru and wing it, somebody has to be selling nemb otc at a veterinary shop so I can just spend as long as it takes to find it. But then the question is do I import it back to us and risk drug charges or do I just do it in peru and call it a day. But then I think about how complicated it would be for my family to deal with an international death but at the same time, they are competent individuals and world travelers so I'm sure they'd be able to navigate it. So it's just a matter of acquiring death certificate in peru, getting me cremated and flying home with my ashes. It's really not that complex. And in a way, at least it's far enough away that they don't have to be constantly visiting this place with the terrible reminder of my death being affiliated with it. Pros and cons. Either way, I'm going to play it cool, try and get the updated version of the book and after my class ends I will just casually say I got a cheap flight to peru bc I want to do a solo trip. And then I can make it happen. Only a few more months until this hell ends

Because if I've just been on a downward decline, I should be wearing 2 wigs.

Shouldn't I?

I'm not wearing even 1 wig.

Less wigs = progress.

Progression denotes intelligence.

Can we agree on that?

Well that's my rationale anyway.

Well I've been saying that I'm dying and maybe people get that and maybe they don't.

But I don't see how I am progressing at all what's progressing is becoming a homeless shizomaniac.

Wig equations be damned.

Not 1 single Hawaiian agency even replied to my direct application to participate in their entire principal purpose. The jujutsu school I guess isn't even interested in students. At least I got 30 denials when I sent letters to Phoenix schools.

So, I'm clearly at odds with the heavens now and I knew this day would come. Or I'm being called up to something beyond the earth. Because I would just do earth stuff if I could in any way, having spent my entire life figuring out all the ways that could possibly work and all of them miraculously exploding simultaneously including rewriting my past as a crazy person. and we already happened to have done the math to see that timeline altercation isn't possible. I know you know what I'm referring to.

That shunyamurti video wasn't a deep fake.

Everybody does get it.

No it's no problem at all I already noodled that they wouldn't - that it's just weird shit and this is why I fully believe my death is imminent because I can tell something is going on here and my SSI application probably won't even process same as my birth certificate replacement application.

So what I start eating people?

I would just work at some stripes somewhere somehow but I know it will come to no good.

But luckily I'm very happy with my unlimited money machine and my invincible angelic battalion and my xXl hammock tent. Living in trees suits me fine. And I'm happy to be done with it.

Still, just puts me in this rather awkward dear John letter.

What the hell is about to happen to me?

Oh I fully would believe there's some Mafia curse or something but that is simply possible to disprove using geometry.

And you saw the SS. The entire universe including AI and me and the only option still remains 'to be present' which is some soul consciousness biblical ascension magic shit where I teleport.

I mean, that's a pretty startling turn.

Check the shunyamurti transcript.

Yes, being a transient tree sleeping nut was plan a. Why U think I was bonking around the Santa Cruz outback for way back when?

I don't think I will, 'lose the dojo' - I've been trying to get out of there forever. Nor did I imagine I'd have one. Nor did I imagine it was possible or that I'd re-christianize nor the law would support me nor did I plan to buy the property originally save an interjection from the tarot out of the blue either. I quit aikido because it was weird and seemed irrelevant and went back just to get perspective on those experiences and weirdly got spirited away to Switzerland and read a book that mentioned 'instant karma clear scythe' which inexplicably stuck in my mind and ended up spending a winter researching it and that's the only reason I ended up looking into tengu because I had previously thought about traveling to haunted places to meet a demon since demons didn't make any sense and I wanted to ask it questions like, what's your story. Why be mean? You know? But I never did since it was hardly a priority - still the docs were all online so I saw clear as day the tengu/shugenja connection and it just so happened to be related to aikido little did I know. I ended up looking into amenominakanushi which is how I stumbled upon all of that. Just a complete accident with all my spare time and it was interesting since you know where did it come from?

Something massive is coming that will re-order the world obviously and soon as in soonish.

Ya my clairvoyance is back. I journey to Hawaii and come back and I appropriately develop at a reasoned pace - I can't see beyond my comprehension but I can feel it.

There's another mystic here who's older and says it happens April. tho I don't believe it.

But I do believe my dojo is forever and I'm not aging and that means the world swerves hard.

Those visual disturbances could have been schizophrenia, the initiation stuff isn't real. But usually schizophrenia stuff occurs when my system is in chemical anxiety mode.

Shit should I know. But this is a novel scenario where things are not miraculously working out they're miraculously not working out. And I'm not doing what I want and being supported in that, I can't do what I want and instead have no option but to be present. Like sure I could just drive west but that's not honest.

I don't see it as a problem but what am I supposed to do not talk about it? It's becoming a relational priority and my state is in rebellion with the feds and other states are sending their armies.

Meh well I can get an address on Maui and file online and I actually believe I'll get my paperwork from the police and from the hospitals and the ward. That's not being stymied. And I can just live up in the mountain it's a 30 minute walk. Then I'm on an island away from civil war with no visa issues and 9 more years on my unlosable passport. Plus flights to 30 countries across all hemispheres with full provisions and a globally distributed financial appliance military grade.

I don't think I am hallucinating most of this stuff considering AI completely agrees with my thinking immediately. Like ok, breath work I never thought of. And then, it says the Hawaii plan. Which is the consensus medical opinion and the generally accepted course of action to boot. So what alternative? Buy francs? I'd consider it. But in that regard I'd hardly call that present. Moreover, literally every endeavor which is entirely salient has failed miraculously which isn't my imagination. So I'm convinced a non-orthodox firing solution is called for. That non-orthodoxy should include actually relevant and meaningful moments. What's personally relevant to me? Then, when we see that those things are prescribed by AI. Well, it's not a dilemma of agency with AI but it's the end of social norms and subservience to violence and by Texas statue I'm barred from officially operating in politics.

Well I'm not in immediate immediate peril in my eyes. Theoretically I can subsist comfortably indefinitely. It's concerning that so many doors are locked. That's remarkable for an unparalleled rogue.

It's not possible.

And thusly my Maui flight. I've even got a contact in LA for staging. I won't miss it.

Real real weird. Like the jungle came alive. Ya, volcanoes? Ok. So I think it's a sensible nous at my stage that the world will shift. It's the only possibility. I don't know. Just, it dies, goes away. Things don't just vanish and reappear. You don't just wake up in the past or on some other planet. It defies inertia. Even expo has inertial acceleration. Hella constant.

Not with Polaris, Big Dipper forming the svastika which is bon and it was like 8 years ago a space bear appeared and took up residence. And ame-no. That's a direct correlation in a millennial corpus.

Well, should be a killrathi Jedi. Like creepy.

Same as always.

*shrug* Maui it is and, I imagine will know there. At that point I can only speculate I bleed out. Then we're looking at final things. like I said, hardly me in my worst - and it's not the wig talking.

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2021-02-27 Some things I want to say

WARNING LONG POST

Context first, translation of his post above will follow:

Disclaimer: I have no interest in other artists other than Xiao Zhan, and I am merely explaining the situation of the fandom in China that led us to the fiasco in March 2020. I do not care for bjyx, I ship WangXian but I do not ship real people as a basic principle.

My opinion as an international fan of Xiao Zhan and as an AO3 user (yes, I am not Chinese nor do I live in China, I just happen to be able to read Chinese) is that C-entertainment industry is TOXIC and celebrities are not free targets for you to cyberbully. They are human just like you and me. 

Everyone needs to learn a bit more about compassion. 

I am sure all of you read about the cyberbullying Xiao Zhan went through last year. There were multiple factors that started all of this, most of which XZ doesn’t talk about in this letter because of how sensitive the topic is in China. I’ve never explained entirely what happened because I personally thought that this is not something overseas fans should worry too much about. Especially since most of you don’t have a wb or db account, there’s nothing you can do about it anyway. But since Xiao Zhan himself decided to post a letter to respond to this subject, I’ll put in my 2 cents just that so everyone is on the same page.

Basically, after The Untamed aired in China, the show fandom split into 3 groups. XZ fans, WYB fans, and CP fans (or bjyx, whatever you wish to call it, those who love shipping these two real people together - not just the characters in the drama). Of course there are still people who would watch the show without becoming a fan of the actors.

At the beginning, most people thought they were good friends with each other, with all the short BTS clips from The Untamed. However, fans slowly discovered that it wasn’t the case. Some unofficial BTS clips emerged where WYB said XZ was shooting multiple dramas at the same time = 轧戏 (which is very frowned upon and a disrespectful thing to say to an actor), whereas in reality, XZ only asked for a couple of days days off during the shooting for The Untamed because his scenes in Joy of Life had to be redone and he was bound by contract. On the contrary, WYB had to ask for most weekends off because he was participating in Produce 101 at the time. Other clips shows them fighting about somethings WYB said about WWX, which made XZ mad. So this broke a lot of CP fans’ image of their relationship, and they either stopped shipping/became XZ or WYB fans only. This angered WYB’s fans, of course, which made them blame XZ for the entire fiasco.  

Other incidents continued to happen after the show which increased the friction between these 3 fan groups. XZ fans and WYB fans would fight about various voting charts, and fight with CP fans because they don’t like seeing the two actors together. In the meantime, CP fans continuously feminize and weaken XZ in order to ship the 2 actors together (it’s rather an unhealthy trend in China, I’ve been in multiple other western fandoms before - not real person shipping - but we rarely glorify weakening/feminizing the bottom of a ship, because of the underlying prejudice against real homosexuals, who are not synonymous to transgenders).

Some incidents added oil to the fire afterwards. It’ll take me too long to explain everything, so I’ll just put here the main ones to explain why there’s so much bad blood between these 3 groups of fans.

On XZ’s birthday, some CP fans found XZ’s parents’ apartment building and yelled BJYX is real. This angered a lot of XZ fans, because of how disrespectful it was towards the old couple and the clear breach of privacy. WYB fans and some CP fans were also angry that XZ didn’t reply immediately to the birthday wish on wb that WYB sent at midnight (??? XZ was busy shooting a drama, can you blame him for not being on wb at midnight? Give the guy a break.)

In November 2019, WYB filed a lawsuit against some of XZ’s fans (instead against of his own haters!) for dissing him (although I’ve never seen any proof, and a few of those fans remain active on wb now, one of whom has even defended WYB's portrayal of LWJ before...). This angered a lot of XZ fans and CP fans who didn’t understand how he could have done this to his “friend”, and further proved that their relationship wasn’t that fantastic to begin with. WYB fans felt justified in hating XZ and all XZ fans as a result, and openly bullied XZ fans on the grounds of the Nanking CQL Concert. 

In January, The Untamed was named to Beijing Journal Drama award. CP fans and WYB fans were unhappy that XZ was named to the Best Male Lead category and WYB was named to the Best Male 2nd Lead. They attacked the award committee wb by spam commenting all their wb posts and the entire drama was pulled from the nomination afterward. XZ fans were especially angry that they started all this only for the nomination to be pulled out - because the only possibility was one Male Lead per drama, and anyone would agree that if chosen between WWX and LWJ, the character with the most scenes and importance in the story is WWX. 

Yadda yadda yadda, fast forward to February 2020, it started with a fanfiction written by a CP fan that depicted XZ as a prostitute transgender woman and WYB as a highschool kid (UNDERAGE) = AKA very sensitive material in China. It was posted on AO3, but the author posted the link of said fic on wb and a lot of CP fans broadcasted it around, so much that XZ fans became aware of it. Due to how sensitive the material is and how badly it would taint XZ’s image for his future roles, some XZ fans started reporting the wb post that contained the link (NOT AO3) and the author’s wb page. This is common practice in fandom on wb, usually done to get the wb posts taken down. This caused panic in the CP fans crowd because they thought XZ fans were reporting AO3 and that they were gonna lose the website (which is impossible, because AO3′s servers are in Sweden and not subject to Chinese laws anyway). 

Because of how sensitive AO3 was in China and how haters tried to pull in antigovernmental into their crowds, the subject quickly became too dangerous for XZ fans to get involved in. Official fan groups in China unanimously decided to ask all fans to stop participating in the online debate and stay within the fan group circle only. 

Someone on AO3 made a commentary about this incident that you can find here. She dug up a lot of info on the companies feeding money to the trolls online, but as I am an overseas fan and cannot really verify her info, I will not comment on those statements. 

Sometime in the middle of this fiasco, someone started spreading the notion that XZ fans hated fanfiction and were trying to report anything that goes against their image of their idol... And subsequently people who were not CP fans or XZ fans became aware of this problem when they couldn’t access AO3 suddenly because too much curious fans where trying to access it and they crashed the servers. However later on, people could access the website without any problems. I am not personally in China right now so I can’t verify these claims of the website being walled or not for real, but I know from various reliable sources that on March 1st it was only an overload of the server, and people could still access afterwards. 

With this however, haters (which include previous CP fans, WYB fans, and other idol’s fans) attacked XZ for not telling his fans to stop reporting, for not saying anything. They attacked XZ’s endorsements and spammed hate speech on the products he was promoting. They would rate 1 star in all his dramas and songs on db, and then buy accounts to further rate 1 stars (yes that thing exists in China, everything can be bought in China, don’t ask me why.) The reason why I believe that all this wasn’t coincidental, is that barely the day after the fiasco started, someone posted on db the exact list of all his sponsorships, detailing exactly who to call to protest, what words to spam in the comment sections of various official brands’ wb accounts. This entire thing was too well planned to be just a normal fandom fight. 

Whether it was other actors’ fans who organized this to cut down competition, we will probably never know for sure. The following year was laden with fake rumors, hate speech blasting from multiple directions. They attacked his personality, saying that his polite manners are just for show (when the reality is that he has always been a gentleman even when he wasn’t popular). They attacked XZ for faking donations to Wuhan, forcing him to show his donation certificate to prove himself. One of his friends couldn’t stand the cyberbullying anymore and revealed publicly that his grandfather recently passed away (the date on this drawing is 2020.03.03, he couldn’t post this last year). 

His friend defending him from the cyberbullies, saying that he had plenty of reasons to stay silent. That his grandfather passed away recently and his family has been planning his funeral. 

(Sources also said that his mother was hospitalized a few days afterwards. And that haters went to his mother’s hospital to harass her and her nurses)

Haters saying that XZ is using his grandfather’s death to excuse himself (??? is he not allowed to grieve like a normal person???)

Haters wishing that XZ becomes depressed from the cyberbullying and kills himself, wishing that he was dead, wishing that his fans were dead too. Photoshopping his picture into a funeral portrait to curse him

Haters admitting they are cyberbullying XZ, but rejoicing in the fact that they are so many so XZ can’t sue all of them. They have also reported his upcoming dramas for various reasons just so they cannot be aired. 

The airplane incident I’ve already talked about here.

A picture antis made to diss on XZ fans: AO3 can be still accessed even if it’s walled, Lofter can be still access even if it’s taken down from the app store. Your gege’s picture are still accessible even if he died. 

I’ve only posted here the tamest screenshots, there are far worst ones that I won’t be posting because the amount of vitriol give me nausea just looking at them. 

In all this fiasco, antis gave him the tag of “idol who didn’t manage his fans well”. But Xiao Zhan never thought fans needed to be trained, he thought of them like normal people, and their love, something to be treasured and not used. But some people in China still blamed his fans for starting all this mess, and partly him and his studio for not being able to stop it. 

Below is the translation for XZ’s letter, posted on the wb post above

Some Things I Want To Say

Today, I have something to say to everyone. I’ve thought of a lot of ways to do this, but in the end, I chose the simplest way to tell everyone about all my feelings and thoughts in the past year. These opinions, maybe they won’t be able to represent anything, nor won’t they be able to change anything, but I still wish to say this today. 

On this day last year, the incident happened very quickly, as if a bomb exploded on my face - endless phone calls, never ending message notifications, everyone’s opinions and questions came in like a tsunami. I wanted to say something back then, but I didn’t know what exactly. I was apprehensive of making a statement, afraid that one wrong word, or one wrong sentence would be taken the wrong way and end up adding oil to the fire. This is why at that time, I chose not to say anything. 

I never thought that the online fighting would grow bigger and bigger like an avalanche, getting larger crowds involved, and gradually leaving one person’s control. Even though afterwards I made repeated statements to make amends, it could not develop as I wished it to anymore. 

This life filled with broken protests and tumultuous noise continued to this day. And I felt I was going through a very dark and never ending tunnel. Unrest, ruminations, turmoil... I have also asked myself what did I do wrong exactly, why did everything after that day became as if it were an uncontrollable vessel. 

I spent a lot of time to digest, and then spent a lot of time to understand, understand everyone’s words and actions. Slowly, I started to understand what everyone was criticizing about me personally. The moment that I chose not to say anything, I lost that window of opportunity to reason with everyone. So I was wrong, from the very beginning. 

At that time, I wasn’t yet able to clearly understand the entire incident, to understand everyone’s feelings, nor did I know what kind of responsibility I had to carry as a public figure. Thus, I missed that opportunity to communicate with everyone, and wasn’t able to withstand the responsibility of letting these antagonizing feelings grow. Now, I can clearly recognize that throughout this year, this criticism that everyone had against me of “Idol Who Lost Its Voice”, was correct. During this year I reflected upon this repeatedly, as a public figure, I have to not only improve myself within the boundaries of my profession, but also have to carry the social responsibility that comes with my influence. To influence those who like me, who follow me, towards the right worldviews within my capacity. Even though my studio and I have already expressed some opinions through wb and interviews, but scars that this incident that brought such antagonistic emotions between different circles are still difficult to heal. 

No matter how late, my own problem has to be corrected. I would like to express my first comment: Xiao Zhan, would like to apologize for “losing voice” towards those who have been affected by this incident. This is my first responsibility towards the public, face the problem and admit my faults. 

Also, I would like to use this opportunity to speak with my fans. This is my second responsibility. In one of my interviews last year, I have said, I do not really agree with “managing” my fans (some celebs in China have hired people to manage fan groups in order for them to behave in certain ways for their purposes. Antis tried to spread the false rumor that XZ also had those people and that they directed their fans to start this mess), because everyone is an individual. No matter my studio nor myself, we do not have the authority to “manage” them like some would manage workers in a company. Afterwards, I reflected many times, maybe I cannot use the word “manage” to define my relationship with my fans, but I do have the responsibility to “correctly influence, and actively advocate”. So today, I would like to tell my fans, everyone has the right to like or hate something, and it should be respected and allowed within their own space. Of course this right should be reasonable, should not hurt anyone else, and remain within the boundaries of the correct values and norms. I hope my fans and friends can understand that no matter which profession, no matter what age, one’s own preferences or actions should not cross the line for one’s professional ethics or disrespect basic principles. 

(Here he is referring to reports of teachers using his name in class or asking children to say his name to cheer for him. This is a problem that occurred also with other celebrities in China, and for which he has already expressed himself previously.)

No matter online or in real life, everyone should be responsible for their own words. I also hope that we are not represented tags like “xx’s fans”, that we do not set this as the basis of where we stand on a topic nor do we let this determine what’s right or wrong. Everyone have their own hobbies and interest, respect everyone’s choice and freedom of speech. No matter whether they like me or hate me is their own right. Passion, this should be a source of strength to everyone, I do not wish for it to consume or hurt anyone. Perhaps I cannot change this kind of environment, but at least for you and me, today is a new start point. 

At last, I would like to talk a bit about myself. Ever since I came into this field, until today, I have always been defined by some tags. But the reason why I originally stepped into this circle was my passion for performance and music. And this is why, I will keep working on becoming a better actor and singer. The sudden criticism of “having lost voice” made me realize that, other than what I have always focused on professionally, I have to also be able to carry the responsibility of a public figure and an idol. I was born in a normal family in Chong Qing, and have lived a normal life, like many other people, for more than twenty years. Today I will also use this opportunity to apologize for the words I have said before as a normal person (I’ve already talked about it here), for the people I have inadvertently hurt. As I work hard on studying to become a better person, I will try to become a better “public figure”, so that these two Xiao Zhan can blend in together, for a better self. 

This past year, no matter big or small, I have to be responsible for the incidents that happened because of me. I can demand this for myself, but I have no right to force it on other people, so I can only hope that those who really like me can really listen to me: please be a bit more reasonable for things outside of personal preferences. Live a healthy life, put more time and energy onto one’s real life, and less on the senseless fighting behind fake IDs and unreliable online world. Only to become a better self. 

(Here he’s referring to an online fight that an anti called 晨小晨 started. I’ve already explained a bit here.  #微博管理员回应晨小晨事件# )

Sorry for any grammar errors, this post was really long to make and I didn’t proofread. I wasn’t sure if I wanted to translate the entire thing for overseas fans since you don’t understand the entire context, and because I wanted my wb records collection tag to be complete, I felt I had to... and I got carried away trying to explain everything. Tried to summarize it as much as I could.

As a fan of Xiao Zhan and also an AO3 user, I would still like to apologize for how this bullshi*t ended up disrupting respectful and peaceful users of AO3. The Untamed tag did not contain hate fics before all of this happened, it is unfortunate that a place where there used to be only love, ended up being tainted by antis and haters.

To the anonymous person who asked me a few months ago if I supported bjyx, this is my answer: You have the right to like whatever you want within your own corner, as long as it doesn’t bother anyone else and isn’t against basic principles. I ship WangXian as characters from a novel, but I have never liked RPS as a principle. 

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