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obsessedwithegos · 1 year

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BTHB: Self Loathing with Ellis

CWs: Team whump, Past Major character death, Self loathing, Self blaming, Hidden injury, Whumpee turned caretaker, Caretaker turned whumpee, Lady whumpee/caretaker, Post rescue, Emotional whump/Angst, Repetition of the word ‘Safe’

Notes: Canon! This is primarily caretaking and recovery stuff! Bc recovery and healing isn’t always linear and always positive, sometimes there’s dips where things are rough! And I really wanted to show that! Ellis and Harmonia (and Cade) aren’t in a relationship at this point but a lot of their mannerisms may seem like they are! Harmonia, angel: she/her Cade, werewolf: he/him but doesn't mind others Ester, griffin: she/her, they/them Ellis, cervitaur: he/him, they/them, she/her (he/him is used for this) Dor, vampire satyr: they/them, it/its

~~~~~~~~~~~

“Sound off!” Ellis shouts, attempting to catch his breath.

“Still kicking!” Dor yelled first.

Then Ester. “Good here!”

“Sounding off! Sounds pretty good!” Cade humored.

And finally, “I’m safe!” Harmonia called.

The team was all big smiles as Ester goes over to high five Harmonia “You better be after all of that!”

“Yeah! But did you see that sick move she did with her wings?!” Cade laughed, going to briefly pick the angel up in a hug.

“I’m surprised that it didn't hurt, sounded like the asshole had a hard head.” Dor joked.

Harmonia laughed. “It did hurt a bit but I’m fine!”

She’s fine. She’s safe.

“All thanks to this big guy!” The satyr notes, reaching up to pat Ellis’s side.

Pain shot up his side as their hand made contact with the wound under his jacket.

“Uhh.. Ellis?”

Was it getting harder to breathe or could he just not catch his breath?

“Hey guys?” He could see them raise their hand up to show the rest of the team the blood on their hand. His blood.

“It’s fine, I’m fine. Harmonia’s safe, we should-” He couldn’t finish his sentence as the world started to spin and he struggled to keep his hooves under him.

“SHIT- I GOT HIM!”

Then the world was black.

He had never forgiven himself for that day. The day Harmonia died for the second time, what should have been her last time.

He was the one that had planned for them to scope out the area that day. He was the one that told her to get a sky view, when they didn’t even know about who the people inside were other than the victim.

It was his idea for just him and her to go without the rest of the team.

Because of that, she was caught and gravely injured. Because of that he couldn’t help her because he didn’t have the extra hands he desperately needed to try to tend to her wounds. Because of his choices, she died in his arms.

It was a miracle that she was given a third chance at life. A miracle so rare, that he wanted to do everything and anything possible to keep her safe.

And he failed at that. She was captured while trying to get information, per his request.

“Ellis?” Harmonia’s voice gently called.

But she’s safe now. He’s done everything so wrong, but she’s safe now.

“Ellis? Are you waking up?”

Ellis’s eyes slowly opened as he started to feel that he was laying on something slightly soft but decently stiff, likely it was his bed. A dull pain radiated from his side, but it was tolerable.

Looking around a bit would verify that he was in his room, but soon his eyes would land on a familiar pink haired angel.

“You’re safe..” He muttered, almost as if in disbelief as he reached up to her face.

Harmonia gently grabs his cold metal hand. “Yeah, I am. Why didn’t you tell us you got hit?”

“I wanted to make sure you were safe first.”

“But I was, and you still tried to say you were fine. Then you ended up passing out.” She rests her face in his hand. “Ellis, you can talk to me, it’s alright.”

“I…” He hesitated “..Was scared.” The admission came out quietly.

“Of what? We had everything covered and we kicked ass. What scared you?”

“It could’ve ended up like last time.” He says, letting go of her to run his hand through his hair. “You got captured as a result of my request. If I hadn’t sent you out, you wouldn’t have been captured, at risk, or in danger at all. Before I sent you out, you were safe, you should have stayed safe.”

Harmonia was silent for a moment. “What do you mean by last time?”

“The last time I sent you out by yourself for anything, I got you killed.” His voice cracked as he struggled to fight back tears. “It was my idea, my command, my mission. And you suffered as a result!”

“I failed you! I shouldn’t have asked you to come with me! I sent you into danger without thinking of the possible outcomes! I didn’t even ask anyone else to come with us! I couldn’t get you back in time! I couldn't even be fast enough to try to help you..” His voice breaks as tears stream down his face and sobs and trembles wrack his body. “I couldn’t save you..”

“Its- my fault.. That you died.” He sobbed.

“Ellis.. It’s alright now-”

“It’s not! It’s not alright, Harmonia!” He cuts her off, sitting up despite the pain in his side. “I was reckless! That recklessness got you killed! It’s because of me that you got stuck in purgatory! That you got stuck with Death! It’s because of me that she was able to hurt you! It’s because of me that the Ladies Lucks were able to treat you like- Like some messed up puppet!!!” He couldn’t stop himself from crying, he couldn’t stop the pain and guilt in his chest.

“It’s my fault- because I’m such- a bad leader…” If there was any way he was holding himself together, it was now long gone as he let himself sob and buried his face into his hands.

She stared at him for a moment before sighing. “You’re not a bad leader Ellis, you didn’t purposefully cause any of that.” She attempts to reassure him.

“But if I didn’t-”

“Then someone else would’ve.” It was her turn to cut him off. “Either you would’ve gone on the mission by yourself and gotten killed or captured, or our bosses would’ve sent someone else out. Then they probably would’ve been killed or captured.” Logic was usually the best way to try to get him out of these mindsets.

“Being captured is part of the job, we go through training specifically for it. And we all accept that death is a very possible risk as well. It’s not your fault, it’s part of the job.” She explained before placing her hand on one of his knees. “If you want, I can put in a request for a week off. How does that sound?”

Ellis hesitated for a moment before nodding “If it wouldn’t be any trouble..” He says, laying back down as the pain in his side was radiating to his back and making that pain even worse. Harmonia shakes her head as she stands up. “It won’t be any trouble. I’ll go contact them now so I can request it as recovery from capture. I’ll be back in a bit okay?”

He nods, exhaustion starting to take over.

She turns to leave but pauses in the doorway. “Ellis?”

“Hm?”

“You’re not a bad person, or a bad leader. Alright?”

“Hm.” If only he could believe it.

After all, how could someone believe they’re a good person if they constantly risk sending their friends to their death? What kind of good leader fails at keeping his small team safe?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

General: @emmettnet @thebluejayswhump

BTHB: @badthingshappenbingo

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