#Anyway. Jerry can do like. 2 emotions convincingly | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

theworstbob · 7 years

Text

yellin’ at songs: june, week one

the songs that debuted on the 6.3.2017 and 6.2.2007 editions of the billboard hot 100 discussed herein with an appropriate enthusiasm

6.2.2007

33) "Do You Know? (The Ping Pong Song)/Dimelo," Enrique Iglesias

Maybe my earbuds just suck, but the ping-pong ball was disappointingly low in the mix. I needed that ping-pong ball to be the only instrumentation here. Like, the standard Enrique Iglesias drama, but instead of All The Producing, it's just a cascade of ping-pong balls, bouncing arrythmically as our boy has emotions. Like, if ypu're gonna be a bad song, don't play it safe with the novelty noises. Own that ping-pong shit. Throw in some ping-pong metaphors, give shout-outs to the best ping-pong players in the world. You can't just call your song "The Ping-Pong Song" and expect to get away with it, you gotta earn that shit.

91) "Bubbly," Colbie Callait

Comfort food is an important part of a balanced diet. You want to be healthy all the time, but part of being healthy, for me at least, involves keeping a thing of Ben & Jerry's in my freezer. I KNOW I'm gonna need that ice cream at some point, y'know? This weekend, when my computer stopped accessing the Internet, I said nuts to the world, I put some Mario streams on my phone, and when I got bored of those, my DVD player figured out a way to play Beauty & the Beast on a loop without me telling it to, so I could just turn my TV on. Critical thought is important, especially as we slide further into an authoritarian society, but sometimes, you gotta say 'fuck it' and accept a nice thing as a nice thing. "Bubbly" is that nice thing. It's barely anything, but it's nice what it barely is.

93) "I Need You," Tim McGraw & Faith Hill

This is "Whiskey Lullaby" for beginners (yes bob that is a sad country duet also) yes thank you I’m a good at critic-sizing, but can we take a moment to appreciate that TIm McGraw & Faith Hill have duets that charted in 1997, 2007, and 2017? Think of all the loves we've lost. Will Arnett and Amy Poehler. Rhea Pearlman and Danny DeVito. Zac Efron and Vanessa Hudgens. And all throughout, Tim McGraw and Faith Hill remain a constant. Like, it hurt when Rhea and Danny broke up because they were perfect, but if I'm being honest, Tim McGraw and Faith Hill is the couple I need to stay together forever. I honestly don't know if I could ever let myself fall in love if I knew Tim McGraw and Faith Hill ever fell out of love. I need them to make an "I Need You" every year for the rest of my life. I don't need to hear it? But I need them to make it.

96) "The Great Escape," Boys Like Girls

In 2007 we let pop bands with heteronomrative names make hit songs. Anyway, the song, it's bad. It's like a Yellowcard song by people whose sense of music history only goes as far back as Yellowcard. Honestly, this might be the worst song of 2007. There's been a lot of rap tracks trying to start dance crazes, by dancing is an inextricable part of hip-hop, the genre is nothing without the occasional "Chicken Noodle Soup," y'know? And KaraDioGuardi is trash, but she has noble aspirations: she is trying to infuse pop starlets with attitude, and while she fails horribly, there's at least noble aspirations. This song stands for nothing. It's riding the coattails of the mid-aughts emo wave, a trend we were making fun of AS IT WAS HAPPENING, nothing about it is original or spun in an interesting way or even delivered convincingly, it's just a shitty song with a chorus that would be rousing if any of these dudes had something like charisma behind which a crowd might rally, it's, it's nothing! It's less of a thing than Joe, and Joe was just a dude named Joe! I hate this song and I hate that I'm going to make myself listen to another Boys Like Girls song.

97) "Bleed it Out," Linkin Park 99) "Given Up," Linkin Park

These were almost good songs! Linkin Park is much better at being a rock band than they are emotional balladeers, and they have something going with both of these songs, like those hand-claps really make you feel like Linkin Park is about to hit you with some hot rock sing-a-long action, and then... dude just kinda screams about how much pain he feels? OK, that's not fair to "Bleed it Out," "Bleed it Out" is legit hot, that's one of the rare times that the rapper in Linkin Park is absolutely on his game. He's not a great rapper, but dude knows how to blend in with a great song. And Screams McGee (his name is Chester Bennington, you know I know who he is) can be a compelling vocalist! He does a few subtle things in "Given Up" that make him sound legitimately damaged and frustrated before the song devolves into him screaming "put me out of my misery!" Maybe I just needed this to be good just so I wasn't too bummed out after enduring "The Great Escape," but y'know what, Linkin Park? Not that shitty. Still pretty shitty, but there's enough here that I like that I’m not gonna call it an utter angstfest.

should i still publish top 20s if there are no changes. is there any instructive value to the top 20 even if things did change. 20) "Movin' On," by Elliott Yamin (3.17.2007) 19) "U + Ur Hand," by P!nk (1.13.2007) 18) "Doe Boy Fresh," by Three 6 Mafia ft./Chamillionaire (1.20.2007) 17) "Get Me Bodied," by Beyonce (5.26.2007) 16) "I Don't Wanna Stop," by Ozzy Osbourne (5.26.2007) 15) "Stolen," by Dashboard Confessional (4.21.2007) 14) "Beautiful Liar," by Beyonce & Shakira (3.31.2007) 13) "Cupid's Chokehold," by Gym Class Heroes ft./Patrick Stump (1.13.2007) 12) "The River," by Good Charlotte ft./M. Shadows & Synyster Gates (2.10.2007) 11) "Say OK," by Vanessa Hudgens (2.17.2007) 10) "Alyssa Lies," by Jason Michael Carroll (1.13.2007) 9) "Never Again," by Kelly Clarkson (5.12.2007) 8) "Get Buck," by Young Buck (4.14.2007) 7) "And I Am Telling You I'm Not Going," by Jennifer Hudson (1.13.2007) 6) "Thnks fr th Mmrs," by Fall Out Boy (4.28.2007) 5) "Candyman," by Christina Aguilera (1.13.2007) 4) "Because of You," by Ne-Yo (3.17.2007) 3) "Umbrella," by Rihanna ft./Jay-Z (4.28.2007) 2) "Dashboard," by Modest Mouse (2.17.2007) 1) "The Story," by Brandi Carlile (4.28.2007) alright, 2017. the bar has been set. can you produce one song better than “bubbly?” i see you’re giving me another imagine dragons banger. i’m not confident in your ability to get this w.

6.3.2017

62) "Rollin," by Calvin Harris ft./Future & Khalid

I appreciate the work Calvin Harris has done this spring to get our most morose pop artists to get funky. I don't really remember Khalid, but I do remember not feeling "Location," and he was much better with a song that felt like something, and I don't think I can name a Future verse delivered with higher energy than this. (There's so many, though. I might well be forgetting like seven Future songs.) I'm not here to call it great, it might end up fading from memory completely like "Heatstroke" did (I liked it, right? It's #20 before I dip into the rest of the debuts, but I recall liking it), but, y'know, funky. Calvin Harris is like the only pop megastar insisting that we boogie, and however disposable his music ends up being, his mission is one I can get behind.

80) "Bad Liar," by Selena Gomez

"This is a pretty dope baseline!" Bob thought on his way to Wikipedia, where he was informed this is a Julia Michaels joint sampling Talking Heads. This is great. Like, David Byrne had to think this was good in order for it to be made, I am not quite sure what I come to this space to do, but I know it's not to disagree with David Byrne.

92) "Whatever it Takes," by Imagine Dragons

this is the same song as "thunder" was the same song as "believer." like they made three songs about how awesome it is to be famous, except this song is about how imagine dragons will be imagining dragons so hard to maintain the level of fame which they have attained, because: being famous: is good. no entity has wasted more of my time this year than imagine dragons. and i had to listen to an entire drake album! i mean this! how many more of these songs do i have to listen to? how many of these songs do they have LEFT?

93) "Felices Los 4," by Maluma

If the rousing success of "Despacito" means we're getting more Latin pop on the charts, I am absolutely down. And if a new Latin pop explosion means we get more songs about polyamory, as the basic English translation I have found leads me to believe this is, I am SO DOWN. This is a chipper and fun song about saying "The more the merrier!" when your girl finds a new boy. It's the epitome of a chilled-out groove. "It doesn't matter what they'll say, we like it like this." DAMN SKIPPY. Maluma will not be kink-shamed. I like what I'm 90% sure this song is. Give me more songs about people on different areas on the ever-expanding spectrum of human sexuality. I expect an asexuality anthem by the time we're through, 2017.

95) "No Promises," by Cheat Codes ft./Demi Lovato

Who are Cheat Codes? Like, legit, if I'm gonna complain about the slop of dudes churned out by Nashville, I should also call out the endless parade of dudes at soundboards constructing their tool-assisted pop songs. Does Cheat Codes have any artistic identity? Am I supposed to have left this song having learned something new about the world, or at least heard familiar noises used in a new and fun way? Like, "Bad Liar" wasn't an earth-shatteringly epic statement of purpose, but it used the "Psycho Killer" bassline in modern setting, and that made me want to see who made it. I can't tell you who Cheat Codes are from their music. I don't get the feeling they got into music as an avenue of self-expression, I think the goal is to make formless, unidentifiable dance noises, and that's intensely disappointing. (Demi Lovato's here, too. It's not her fault this song is bad. She tries her darndest.) I can't say what Cheat Codes bring to the table to justify listening to Cheat Codes instead of anything else that's ever existed.

98) "Ghost in This House," as performed by Lauren Duski

So next week is a big week for American Idol, five Idol songs on the chart, and I'm sure the The Voice finale is gonna put more than one song on the chart, so that’ll be a fun comparison. Big couple weeks coming up for reality singing competitions! This is a nice performance of a country song with which I'm unfamiliar, being sung by an attractive blonde with something like a unique voice. It's nothing I'd ever vote for, but I completely get how it ended up in my list of things to do today. Finally: a white country singer is going to win a reality singing competition. Been, what, three months since the last time? TOO LONG.

100) "Me Enamore," by Shakira

It would have been so easy for this to feel like seven dudes in suits screaming FUCK LATIN POP'S BACK WE HAVE FIVE MINUTES TO WRITE A TRACK FOR SHAKIRA, but man, Shakira's just too reliable a pop music entity to let it go down like that. It's basic, simple stuff, "me en-na-na-more" is nowhere near the thundering statement of purpose that is "des... pa... ci-to," but y'all need something basic done right, you call in a pro, and Shakira's a consummate professional. It's hard to tell if I'm reacting to the actual performance or to the band name, but as far as I can sort out, Shakira brings a joy and personality to a song that might've been listless in less capable hands.

Hey! New blood in this Top 20! 20) "You Look Good," by Lady Antebellum (4.22) 19) "The Heart Part 4," by Kendrick Lamar (4.15) 18) "Selfish," by Future ft./Rihanna (3.18) 17) "Slide," by Calvin Harris ft./Frank Ocean & Migos (3.18) 16) "Felices los 4," by Maluma (6.3) 15) "Now & Later," by Sage the Gemini (2.25) 14) "Bad Liar," by Selena Gomez (6.3) 13) "DNA." by Kendrick Lamar (5.6) 12) "It Ain't Me," by Kygo x Selena Gomez (3.4) 11) "Craving You," by Thomas Rhett ft./Maren Morris (4.22) 10) "That's What I Like," by Bruno Mars (3.4) 9) "Chanel," by Frank Ocean ft./A$AP Rocky (4.1) 8) "Either Way," by Chris Stapleton (5.27) 7) "Run Up," by Major Lazer ft./PARTYNEXTDOOR & Nicki Minaj (2.18) 6) "Green Light," by Lorde (3.18) 5) "ELEMENT." by Kendrick Lamar (5.6) 4) "Despacito," by Luis Fonsi ft./Daddy Yankee (2.4) 3) "Issues," by Julia Michaels (2.11) 2) "iSpy," by KYLE ft./Lil Yachty (1.14) 1) "Hard Times," by Paramore (5.13) I underestimated you, 2017!

Who won the week?

2017! I don’t know what I’m supposed to say in this section so I’ma just bounce, great work today some of you, next week we’re gonna revist “Lip Gloss.”

2017: 6 2007: 4

0 notes