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Day 9: The best advice I’ve ever received was…
‘Be good to him always. Treat him with honor and respect. Cherish him and be sure that he is never able to question your love for them. Life is too short and you simply never know what your last words to him might be. Love. Love hard. Love loudly. Love in private and in public. Love him the way he deserves to be loved. The way no one else has ever or could ever love him.’
Sitting on a sofa in a hotel room, Alex enjoyed a glass of wine with her childhood best friend, Tamsin Hughes, as the young woman shared relationship advice. She had only flown in that morning from England and the two would grab hold of every moment they could together right up until the wedding she had traveled in for. Alex brought her glass to her lips with a smile there behind her glass, offering a gentle nod of her head. “Loving him has always been the easiest part of it all,” she confessed as her affections for the man came easy and without need to withhold it. Both of them being the public figures they were, it would have been easy to keep such things in private, but Alex didn’t know how to, nor did she ever hope to learn.
‘You are going to be a beautiful bride and I cannot wait to meet the man you speak so highly of.’ Tamsin took a sip from her own glass, truly in awe of how entirely happy her friend was. She had been there with her through a previous relationship that had brought Alex to her knees and to see her this way was more than refreshing.
The two spent the rest of that night on the sofa, laughing and talking, sharing stories, and enjoying time they had not been afforded in years. The weekend did not go as planned and in the end, Tamsin would return to England without seeing her best friend again, yet she’d flooded her texts with supportive messages, letting her know she was there for her, yet understanding the way Alex did things just the same. She’d seen this before and she knew what to expect and although her own heart broke for her best friend, she had to return home just the same.
The best advice in the world had been wasted on Alex that night. They were words that she’d never get to put into play. For months upon months, she would think back on that night and how excited the two had been, never believing that the ‘him’ in those words of wisdom would ever get to experience the full hold of this woman’s love. She couldn’t have known then how it would have all turned out. And yet, when she found herself back in that space with him once again, Tamsin’s words were not far from her mind.
Loving him was the easiest part of it all, she had told her in return. The challenges were their schedules and the constant pulls their professional lives held. Though they both seemed to do everything in their power to spend as much time together as possible, there was still an independent selfishness that existed as they both focused in on their careers. When she found herself looking down at him on one knee once again, asking her again to be his wife, she knew right then and there that it would all be different this time.
Her career would forever hold its own importance, but she would not allow it to ever become more important than her husband. As she stood before him, reciting her vows, it was Tamsin’s words that were there in her heart. Recalling each one of them, knowing that this opportunity would never show itself again, she’d commit to him there with the words she spoke out loud as well as the ones she did not.
She would be good to him always in every way that she could. She would do right by him and do so without fear. She would care for him when he was sick or injured. She would not ever let him feel neglected or put down by her. She would be good to him, as good as any woman could be to a man. She would do so with a cheerful heart and warm arms that would always support him in all things. He inspired such goodness in the woman that she could make this commitment without feeling it to be a challenge as when she looked at him, she saw a man that deserved a woman to be good to him. To be kind. To be gentle. To help him and never leave him feeling like less of a person. She would build him up and try her very best to never tear him down.
She would treat him with the honor and respect that he deserved. She would never question him or call him out on something. She would trust him endlessly, though trust had always been something she’d struggled with. She would believe in him where the rest of the world might falter in their support. She would cherish him and forever ensure that he knew how much she loved him, both by word and by action, never allowing him to question her love for him. She would take his feelings into account and be gentle with them. She would promise him this day, and every day beyond it, that she would be there by his side in an ongoing support, forever his biggest fan and cheerleader, building him up every step of the way.
She would love. She would love hard and love loudly, in public and in private, in ways that she knew only she could ever do. Her love would surely be annoying to others and there would be times they would wish she would turn it down, but the volume of her love for him would never be restrained. She would do so openly and allow him the space to love her in return, however he saw fit, in whatever manner came naturally to him. She would enter a partnership for life, knowing just how long that could be, and committing herself without holding back in the slightest. The man would never have to face the threat of her absence as she would ensure that he was extended an invitation to join her on any journey her life would take, just as she would gladly follow him down any path that his should take.
She knew the instability of their professions and what changes would surely come. She knew that he could easily come off the scene entirely and thus change the landscape of their lives. She knew the possibility of trade or retirement for him, but she did not marry his profession. She married him. His work was her work, through and through. She knew the end of one show may mean months or years without work for her. She knew she could find herself in a decade long run. And yet she held every faith that he would be by her side, highs and lows, in times of work and in times of play.
As the date grew closer to the one year mark of the wedding that never happened, she had found it there on her mind at the reminder of a new therapist that had dug into her past a bit to get a feel for things. Once those gates were opened, they were difficult to close once more. Sitting on the balcony of a Miami hotel room, looking out into the darkness to the sound of waves crashing on the shore, lit only by the full moon that gleamed white there in the sky, she drew in the sea air, finding the insomnia not quite so bad that night.
As she glanced over her shoulder into the bedroom of the hotel suite, she found her husband there asleep in bed, prompting an instant smile at her lips. Rising from the chair, she quietly opened the sliding glass door before slipping within once more. Untying the robe she had worn outside, she let it fall to the floor beside the bed as she climbed within beside him once more. As he slept, she found her position there beside him, with her head to his chest, his arm drawn around her, and one leg eased between his as her thigh pressed to his.
“I will be good to you always. I will treat you with honor and respect. I will cherish you and be sure that you can never question my love for you. I will love you. I will love you hard. I will love you loudly, in public and in private. I will love you the way you deserve to be loved.”
She whispered the words quietly as she laid against his chest, making those promises to a sleeping man, finding herself deep within the words of the best advice she’d ever received. There had been a time when those words brought forth an ache in her heart as she thought she’d never have the opportunity to do any of those things, but now, as she laid against him, sleep deprived and slightly intoxicated, her promises to him warmed her entirely as the words and advice of her dearest friend were whispered in her own voice to the ‘him’ they had been for all along.
-October 6, 2017
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#30DWP Day 3 : Tetangga
Tentang tetangga
Dalam beberapa hadits shahih, dijelaskan tentang keutamaan memuliakan tetangga dan juga menghindari dari merugikan tetangga. Keutamaan tersebut salah satunya didasarkan pada keberadaan tetangga yang dapat menggantikan peran saudara sedarah kita dalam kehidupan sehari-hari.
Di satu sisi, saya menghadapi kenyataan tentang bagaimana perlakuan tetangga yang terkadang mengacaukan kehidupan bermasyarakat. Pernah, ketika keluarga saya sedang beristirahat tiba-tiba ada tetangga yang mendatangi untuk urusan sepele. Atau anak-anak desa yang menyalakan kembang api pada beberapa perayaan dan liburan, yang jelas sangat mengganggu pendengaran dari raga yang berusaha mengistirahatkan dirinya. Dua diantara banyak hal yang membuat terkadang berbuat baik pada tetangga dirasa sia-sia. Setidaknya, itu adalah pemahaman saya sebelum kuliah dan merantau.
Namun, selama saya berkuliah di luar kota, satu hal yang mengejutkan adalah para tetangga yang sering menanyakan kabar saya pada ibu, tentu dengan semua Do’a yang senantiasa mereka panjatkan. Mereka memang menuntut banyak hal, tetapi semua itu tidak lebih dari pelecut semangat dalam menjalani perkuliahan. Waktu banyak merubah pandangan saya pada tetangga, dan memotivasi saya untuk sebisa mungkin tidak menilai tetangga saya dengan persepsi yang buruk seperti ketika saya belum merasakan merantau.
Saya berharap, saya dapat lebih memuliakan tetangga saya sebagaimana mestinya.
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’Doctor Chapman suggested we meet and as I understand, you are relatively unavailable for a face to face at this time, so I thought perhaps we could do a session via Skype and see how this goes just to get acquainted. Then, when you are back in Boston, we can meet face to face?’
“Yeah, that’s right. I’m in Miami at the moment and will only be in Boston for a day and a half before I’m back out on the road again. Business meetings, press, and then my honeymoon. But I can set something up for anytime after November 5.”
‘We will make sure to get that set up before we conclude this call then. I’d like to jump right in since I know you are on limited time this morning. It’s been six months since you last saw Doctor Chapman, is that right?’
“Yes, it has been. I was discharged from his care in March, so maybe seven months.”
‘And he worked with you while you were at McLean?’
“Yes, he did. I had followed up with another after I was released, but I just couldn’t talk to the woman. So I got in touch with Doctor Chapman about three weeks ago and asked for his recommendations.”
‘Very good. Well, let’s start with how things are going and how they have been. When you look back on the last year, tell me where you were a year ago and what you’ve learned since then.’
“A year ago, it was all so different. Well, maybe it wasn’t all so different. Maybe I was all so different.
Pain changes a person and though I’m not going to be the one to play poor pitiful me here, I’m confident enough to admit that there have been some things that have caused me pain and then there have been moments that have been the greatest of my life. I don’t know that there’s ever a point in life where one can look back on an entire year and find themselves to be exactly the same as they were. And if so, then they aren’t living life. Things change and we have to change with them or we get left behind. I believe that we should be constantly changing and evolving into hopefully better versions of ourselves. The world is ever changing, as are the people around us, and it would be nearly impossible to think that nothing would have changed in a year.
One year ago, season two of ‘Fighting Chance’ was releasing on Netflix after very high reviews on season one. We weren’t confirmed for a third season yet, but it was hopeful. Balancing the press schedule as well as my then fiancé’s NFL schedule was a lot, but we were making it work. Three and four cities a week, making it home normally for one to two days a week at best, missing our puppy and trying to get every spare moment we could with one another, time was not on our side. And maybe that’s when I should have realized that attempting to plan a wedding during regular season was foolish, but it was what we had to work with. I was to start filming in Canada just after post season and there just wouldn’t be time to do it then. If we waited, we would have had to wait another six months after that and the fact was, we just wanted to be married. Or at least I thought we did.
Sometimes when you are too close to a situation, it makes it hard to see it for what it is, and even then, there was no room for outside perspectives as there really were none to be had. I had blocked out so much of the rest of my life for him and for his schedule that my friendships were diminished to texting relationships and I saw my girlfriends once a year, if that. Let me just clarify, he never asked any of this of me, it was what I did of my own conscious decisions. I just wanted to be with him. It had been this way since Jaime and I got together in 2014. It was a whirlwind romance that started out slow, or so I thought. By the time we got to our third date, we were full time. We didn’t put a title on it until three months later, but by the time we did, we both knew what this was, and where it was going. There was no way we weren’t going to get married. We both wanted it. We both wanted children. We were on the fast track to the rest of our lives.
And then it all came to a screeching halt when our wedding day was upon us and he wasn’t there. I was devastated. I’m sure he was as well to have to do what he did. But after that day, we would face it all alone. Six months. For six months, I didn’t feel the warmth of another’s arms. I didn’t have someone look me in the eyes and tell me they cared if I was here or not. Instead, I began a different kind of relationship with a man named Jack Daniels and as long as I had money, he was there at the ready to keep me company for a night, a weekend, a week, or three straight months.
Things were serious with us. So serious in fact that I was able to build a fort out of the bottles he left behind, hiding myself from Jaime, from my parents, from friends, from fans, from the press, from the embarrassment I was left with, from the heartache that wouldn’t let go, only I didn’t realize just how much pain that would cause when they all came tumbling down.
When it all came down, I was given an ultimatum. I was in breech of contract with Netflix for allowing an addiction to interfere with my work after arriving on set one too many times still under the influence of my good friend and now life partner, Jack. I trashed a set, costing us several days of work as well as hundreds of thousands of dollars in equipment and staging; all because someone on set was singing a song. So I could either sign to the breech of contract and swiftly exit the production, my reputation further in shambles, or I could check myself into a rehabilitation facility where I would do no less than sixty days. Production was stopped, putting us two months behind schedule, and I found myself wearing soft pink scrubs day in and day out at McLean. The first week was the hardest as they had me on suicide watch. I wasn’t suicidal, nor had I ever been, but they said it was customary to be isolated in the beginning. After that, I was allowed into common areas where I’d meet some of the most incredible women with stories of their own, yet all of us had one thing in common; addiction.
At first, I claimed I had no problem and I could stop at any time. I hadn’t been drinking to this level for very long, thus proving to me that I didn’t really have a problem at all. I had gotten drunk to those levels intentionally, after all. But after the first thirty days, I would come to realize it was a problem and it was a problem that would follow me all of my life if I would allow it. I was reacting poorly to the track my life had taken and it was only heightened when triggered by mentions of Jaime or engagement or weddings or really anything that had been common conversation previously. My parents attempted to balance the press war with the assistance of my public relations representative, but it really was what it was and there was no way around it.
Two months later, I returned to the set with a new outlook on things and started taking the first steps to taking my life back. Back from Jack. Back from Jaime. Back from anyone who had previously held it, finding out through the course of therapy within McLean that the residual damage of my prior relationship with Kieran, a musician I had dated up until 2011, had been festering beneath the surface ever since. Not dealing with my problems and blaming it on a busy schedule had gotten me to this place and I’d realize then that it all had to change. I needed to spend time entirely alone. Without friends. Without Jaime. Without Jack. I needed to learn who it was that I was and be okay being alone. I never was one of those girls that would go from man to man, but I would go from man to bottle. I did it for years after Kieran and I would do it after Jaime again. I’d fill the void with the contents of the bottle and it had to stop then.
The first step in really attempting to get my life back was to return to the past. I needed to face Jaime, finally. I needed to return to him the last thing tying me to him, my engagement ring. I needed closure. Really, I needed to know why. The questions plagued my mind to a level that I couldn’t find my way through. It just hadn’t made any sense. My ex liked to say he ended things with me because he’d likely either wanted to start things with another or already had, but I knew it wasn’t true. That wasn’t who Jaime was and I knew it had to be something else. The only thing I could come to was that maybe it was just all moving too fast, which would ultimately explain why it was that he had moved on so quickly and so publicly.
When we met up, it was the first time we had seen each other since the night before our wedding where we attended our rehearsal dinner, and kissed goodnight outside of my hotel room door. Instantly, I felt as though I couldn’t breathe. Just seeing him there in the flesh had rendered me incapable of doing what had to be done there. We decided to sit at the table in the room and talk for a bit, and in the time there, I’d find out all there was to know. I found out why. I found out where he was at in his life now. I didn’t talk a lot of myself that night, but my own personal struggles had been publicly documented and there wasn’t much need for it or for my opinions on it all as it would all surely just sound like excuses for my nuclear behaviors. I had fought press physically. I’d faced drunken conduct on set that was leaked to the press. I had checked into rehab. There was no reason to talk about it all as it had already been talked about, or at least the media’s opinions of it all.
A year later, I’ve learned that sometimes you have to hurt. Sometimes those things are the things that will make you stronger than if you just went through it all differently. I am sorry for the destruction I caused, but at the same time, I feel like I needed it to be able to look back and learn that I have to keep better control over my temper. I let myself go off over things that no one was doing maliciously towards me. Singing a song on set wasn’t to upset me. Someone showing me their engagement ring because they were so happy and excited wasn’t to rub my own failed engagement in my face. I saw malice in everything. I also learned that I can’t turn to the bottle every time something isn’t right in my life and that I can’t fill a void with something else. I need to look at what I’m feeling, recognize why I’m feeling it, and let myself feel it for a little while, otherwise I’m not dealing with it at all.”
‘And how, a year later, are things? Are you still drinking? How did things go with Jaime?’
“Things now are… perfect? It scares me to say that because just when you say they are is when something messes up and even though I think I know what I’m supposed to do when that happens, I don’t have complete confidence that I’ll do it right. Jaime and I are back together and we are actually married. That night in the hotel suite when I was to give him the ring back, I did. But he put it back on my hand where it belonged. We married two months later. As for drinking, I do allow myself an occasional drink, but not in the same manner that it used to be.”
‘You mentioned your ex previously. Is he still involved in your life?’
“In some ways, I suppose he is. It was because of my mother for a long time. She had this thing where she was just sure that Kieran and I would get back together and she pushed for it on several occasions, but he’s in a relationship with the girl he cheated on me with and they have been for… six years now? Seven maybe? He pops in on my life from time to time, but it’s nothing more than a bit of banter, though he still likes to throw digs at me that Jaime had left me for someone else. It gets to me, to be honest, but I normally just tell him to fuck off at that point. Shit. I shouldn’t say fuck off. I mean…”
‘It’s fine. You can say whatever you’d like to say here.’
“Right. Then I say fuck off and he usually backs off for a while. The thing is, I was a kid when I was with him. A young actress out there on my first independent jobs without my mother’s name on the credits. For a long time, he was my best friend. I think on that level, he’ll always be involved somehow.”
‘And do you still have feelings about the breakup with Kieran?’
“Yeah. I mean, it’s not in the way like that I’ve ever wanted him back. I ended things with him and I knew right then and there that I’d never go back. I can’t tolerate cheating. I won’t. It’s one of those things that I find to be so incredibly disrespectful that I would be doing myself an injustice to have ever entertained returning. I never thought about it and I never wanted to. But he’s still my friend and I do think that if I ever needed something, I believe he’d help me. I really want what’s best for him. A lot of ex’s say that, I’m sure. But I really do. He deserves to find what I have found and when and if he does, or if he has, I just hope he’s smart enough not to fuck it up this time.”
‘And what about you and Jaime? Are your schedules still problematic? Do you have feelings about what had happened before that might be lingering somewhere within you? Fears even?’
“Our schedules are always going to be trying as long as we are doing what we are both doing, but I think we support one another entirely and whatever sacrifices need to be made to be together and make it work, we will. I’m not sure if you know or not, but he was hurt in preseason this year, so he’s been off and only doing some press here and there. He’s been through surgery and rehab and is just trying to get healthy at this point. For me, things are picking up at the moment, but he’s actually traveling with me. As for filming, I’ve asked him about us renting a place through the filming process so that we can be together then as well and we’ll see what he ultimately thinks of it. But underlying feelings about how things were before… Not really. I think that I understand where he was and I think he understands what it looked like for me as well and we both learned to communicate better with one another. We really are just full speed ahead, and I don’t do much thinking on the past. I’m at the point with it where I don’t think it was a bad thing. It gave us both six months. Eight if you go to the wedding. In that time period, I think we both realized what we wanted was what we already had and I think that’s why it’s been such an easy road to getting it all back to what we wanted, only this time doing it all the way we wanted to do it and in our own time. We’re happy. I know that I’m the happiest that I’ve ever been, and I can honestly say that I am in a better place than I was a year ago with him. I feel like we are both more open with one another. About what we want and what we need and at the end of the day, we just really want one another.”
‘I think that you are on the right track here, Alex. The only thing I really would like to conclude today’s session with is my encouragement to you that you not allow yourself those occasional drinks. It’s a slippery slope and one that you will easily fall down upon if you aren’t careful. If you take that element out of your life entirely, you will find it far more difficult to pick back up. Give it some thought and let’s plan to go ahead and do another Skype next week. I’d like to speak with you weekly before we do our face to face, if that would work with your schedule.’
“Yeah, I think that will be fine. I can have my assistant call to set everything up?”
‘Sure. I look forward to seeing you next week and if you should need anything at all, please do not hesitate.’
-October 4, 2017
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Five words to describe self:
The next in a series of email interview questions came in while Alex was sitting in a hotel bar in Chicago, enjoying quality time with her husband after a long day of meetings. It had been a successful day, laced with frustrations and accomplishments, where in the end, she was assured by her business minded father that it was going well and she should be pleased. As the email came through, she glanced at the screen, reading the print before her. ‘How would you describe yourself in five words? And please explain.’ She tilted her head gently to the side as this would be another one of those that appeared to be simple enough, and yet she knew better than to trust it. It would require that she dig a little deeper as the questions on this interview were like no other she had ever been a part of. She wasn’t sure if she was being asked for five words to describe herself or to use only five words to describe herself, as it could have gone either way.
Hours later, she’d sit at her computer with the email there before her as she attempted both variations of how the question could be taken, thinking it would best cover the bases and hopefully give the interviewer the format they were looking for. Interpretation is everything and in her inability to interpret, she’d aim to overachieve instead. For a long period of time, she’d stare at the screen, feeling the pressure in her hands in the need to respond, yet it wasn’t so easy. She leaned back on the hotel sofa, closing her eyes as she attempted to sort her way through it that way. She went to the fitness center of the hotel and spent an hour on the treadmill. She went to bed, deciding to try again in the morning.
The following morning, the meetings weren’t to begin until 10 a.m., giving her a bit more time than she’d had the morning before. While Jaime slept in, she found herself with a cup of coffee, sitting at the small dining table in the suite, with her computer there in front of her once more. Another attempt, knowing that she didn’t want to leave this out in the open before the meetings as it would be one of those things that would steal her attention and leave her feeling as though she had this incomplete task waiting for her. And so she began, not entirely sure what might come forth from her, yet deciding the only way to go about something such as this was to just start and see what happened.
~~~
—I’m really just a girl.—
There’s an entire thought process behind celebrities that have us pegged as being superhuman. It’s hard for some people to remember that we really are just people. I am just a girl. I’ve used this as a hashtag before, I believe. #justagirl. It’s one of those things that resonates with me because I think people forget. I wake up in the morning and grumble to myself that I have to get out of bed. I start the coffee and I take a shower in an attempt to wake myself up. I get frustrated with make up and I curse when my jeans are a little too tight. I go to work, although my work is often times in different places and there are even times when I forget where I’m supposed to go and accidentally arrive at the wrong sound stage or wrong location and then I get in trouble with my boss, just like everyone else. I am definitely forgetful. I swear I’d forget my head if it weren’t attached. I struggle with what to eat for dinner and I absolutely hate doing laundry. At the end of the day, I take off my make up. I typically grab another shower, depending on what the day included. And then I fall into bed, knowing I have to get up and do it all again tomorrow.
It isn’t all a party and it isn’t all awards shows. There’s actual work that goes into these things and each working part of it? People. Human people. With their own problems and short comings, where all we can do is hope that we don’t all have them on the same day. Some days, I’m feeling antisocial. Some days I just feel overwhelmed and need time to myself. Some days, I’m ready to take on the world. Some days, you get caught on film for decking a member of the press because they pissed you off. You see, I’m just a girl. I’m just a girl that’s watched a little more closely and judged a little more harshly. The upside for me is that I’ve never known anything but this. But to people who come into the industry later in life, I wonder how it is that they adjust to it all. To go from normalcy to this level of scrutiny. It’s impressive to me. Far more impressive than what I’m over here doing.
As I’m not sure if your request was for a five worded sentence about myself, I thought I’d also go ahead and include five words I’d use separately to describe myself and hopefully you’ll have what you’re after between the two.
— Forgetful. I’m terribly forgetful. I forget literally everything. I would be lost without my incredible assistant, Meghan. She really does her best to keep me in line, which I promise is a full time job. I don’t drive much because I regularly lose where I parked the car. And if by chance I remember where the car is, then I’ve forgotten where I put the keys.
— Dedicated. I’m strong willed and devoted to everything I touch. I don’t know how to do anything halfway and I’m constantly pushing myself harder and harder. I’m that way with absolutely everything in my life. Working out. Rehearsing. Training. Relationships. I think it’s one of those things that was instilled in me as a small child, to have a strong, determined work ethic and it just kind of bled over into everything else.
— Messy. I’m not that girl that keeps everything in its place and I’m regularly having to set aside a day to clean it all up. I throw my clothes on the floor and my make up is always all over the bathroom counter. I’m very much so one of those ‘live in the now’ people and in the now, there isn’t time to clean up. Not the kitchen, the bathroom, the living room. None of it. I’ll do it later. This is probably one of my worst habits, to be honest, and I sometimes wonder if it drives my husband crazy.
— Insomniac. I can’t sleep. I rarely do. And when I do, it’s only for a few hours and then I’m up again. I stay up late and I’m up pretty early. I don’t remember the last time I got more than three hours consecutively. I’m a light sleeper and most anything will wake me up. If the wind blows outside, I’m awake. And when I’m awake, I want to be doing something. I’m not one that can just sit around and stare at a television, unless Game of Thrones is on.
— Constantly hungry. I swear over the course of a day, I can eat my weight in food. Of course, I end up having to work out twice as hard because of it, but I only get to do this life thing once and I want to eat what I want and when I want to, which happens to be constantly. If I’m completely honest, I’m hungry right now.
~~~
With a lighter approach to the words she’d use to describe herself, she wasn’t entirely sure it was what the article was looking for, but it was honest and showed just how she didn’t take herself too seriously either, finding it to be a rather accurate representation of who she was and what she thought of herself. After typing that last phrase, she’d press send and find her feet, going into the bedroom of the hotel suite where she’d no doubt be waking her husband to take care of that problem, needing food, needing cheese fries, even if it was 5:30 in the morning.
-October 2, 2017
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‘Your answers were very well explained. Thank you for your thoroughness. For the next question for this progressive interview, please tell me three things that you would like to do if you weren’t afraid to do them.’
The first question had been complex, asking her to name ten things that she was grateful for. That question alone set the tone for the depth this interview was going to be aiming for. They weren’t questions that she’d ever been asked in an interview before. Normally they focused on things about what it was like growing up as the daughter of Lenora Beckett or how she felt about being a ‘child star’. These, however, were digging deeper, achieving a level that was hard to tap into in a face to face interview, leaving her impressed and challenged all at the same time.
This one was difficult in its own right as she didn’t find herself terribly afraid of anything. She’d try most anything once without fear, and so she would read the email there on her phone and then gave herself a couple of hours to think it over. Her time was running thin before her first business trip was to take place and her nerves were high enough. If this interview had been done a year earlier, this would have been one of her answers. Attempting to set up a charity to help people who were facing what might possibly be the hardest times of their lives. People who had been hurt in ways that no one ever should be. And yet, there she was, placing the last article of clothing into her suitcase, declaring herself packed, aside from the essentials that would have to wait until Sunday night to go into the bag.
Alex didn’t function on fear. She didn’t accept it and she didn’t give it time and space in her head. If she wanted to do something, she did. Even if she thought it impossible or extraordinarily difficult. From an early age, she learned to never let her mind limit her. The experiences she’d had growing up in the manner she did were ones that most people never did have. Everything from riding an elephant on her eighth birthday to skydiving for her sixteenth birthday, she’d done so much that it was hard to say what else she might do. It was hard to even think of what there was that she hadn’t done. She hadn’t had a child, and that was fearful enough, yet she and Jaime were actively trying to get pregnant. There were fears wrapped up in signing on with Netflix and doing something with a set schedule, as everything else she’d ever done was movies, and yet there she was, with season three releasing soon. The question was surely meant to be deep and yet she could imagine that it wasn’t supposed to be so difficult at the same time.
Late in the afternoon on Saturday, Jaime had slipped off into a nap there on the sofa against her lap and she just couldn’t bring herself to move from that spot. Running her fingers through his hair, she looked down at his face, drawing in a slow breath as she looked at the one fear she did have. Losing him. This man had become everything to her. From the time the two met in the summer of 2014, she didn’t stand a chance. He was charming and he made her laugh. The way he smiled set her soul on fire. She felt things within weeks of knowing him that she had not ever felt before. The pain of prior situations had slipped away when she met him, knowing that he was the reason that it had all happened. A year and a half later, when he asked her to marry him, she did not hesitate with her answer. Although her own parents were not married and she was raised to believe that such bonds were unnatural, it felt absolutely natural with him. Now, a year and a half later, the two were married, and enjoying newlywed life, but it didn’t mean those thoughts didn’t creep into her mind, of just what it would be if she ever did lose him. She’d seen what her life was without him already and the idea of such things now, she couldn’t process it. The woman who thought she held no fear, found her fear, and yet it still wasn’t the right kind of fear for the interview question. Ultimately, she’d fall asleep, her fingers still stroking there through Jaime’s hair until all at once, her hand came to a stop against his forehead. A half hour later, she would wake up and all at once, she knew what her answers were.
~~~
If I were not afraid, I would speak my mind when I’m hurt. I would tell the person who hurt me what it was that had hurt me and why it did so. I would tell them how to fix it. And in that moment, if they chose not to, I would walk away. I would put myself first for once and realize that a person that truly cares for you will not hurt you without trying to make it right or fix it. I would stop accepting their selfishness as a viable reason for hurting me. I would be brave enough to know that they were showing me who they really are in that moment. I would not compromise my own feelings for the sake of theirs. In past experiences, I catered to their feelings on things of the sort. If they had a solid reason for why they felt the way they did, I put away my own hurt and accepted it. But if I were not afraid, I would put myself first. Both people can’t put themselves first. That isn’t how it works. And that’s what is terrifying about it. If I am to stand for what it is that I feel, while they are standing for theirs, there is no way to continue. Ultimately, one person has to compromise their own feelings and cater to the other. I have never been the person that stood by my own feelings and took a situation and said that I would not compromise, and yet I’ve had others refuse and when they did, I gave into it because I’d rather be slightly compromised to be sure they are comfortable, even if it makes me uncomfortable. If I wasn’t afraid, I’d hold my ground.
If I held no fear at all, I would speak openly about my life. I would talk about what it was like growing up or working in the industry, without feeling as though I needed to be careful of my words. If I knew I could hurt no one in the process, the words I would say might be different than the ones I speak when asked. There’s this filter that has to exist, where you have to be careful of each and every word you say, and thus is the difference between getting an answer that is true, yet reserved, versus getting a genuine and thorough answer. I would speak out on the things that were asked of me early on in my career (independent of my mother). I would speak about how difficult it was being a child actor and the sacrifices that were made. I would go on to talk about my dreams and aspirations and goals for my own children and how I won’t do it the same way. If I weren’t afraid, I’d express myself more thoroughly.
And lastly, if I was not afraid of the consequence, I would write a screenplay. I always have these ideas that I think would play out so well on screen, although I’m not ever certain if they are a good idea for just one scene or just one season or if they would have the ability to spark and entire series or film. The idea of putting my name on something like that is terrifying to me and leaves me asking why I would even want to. I’ve had my hand in so many different things, and the natural route to take for most actors is to direct, but I have no directing aspirations at this time. I won’t say I never will, but for right now, I’m perfectly happy being where I am in that regard. But to be the person that actually wrote the material, that had the idea, that was able to sit back and watch that idea come to life on film? I think professionally, should I ever stop acting, that would be what I’d like to try my hand at, though the fear of failure there is enough to suffocate a person. As an actor, when we go into something, if it doesn’t go well, there’s this escape in our minds where we can know that we did the best we could portraying what was provided to us. But the actual story? That’s where the key lies. The greatest cast in the world can’t sell poorly written material. So if I was sure I wouldn’t fail, and fear was not a factor, I’d definitely try my hand at scripting.
~~~
As she read over her answers, she second guessed them, but she could only do so for so long before the feeling settled in on her that those answers were true and honest. She had entered into this difficult progressive interview with the knowledge that it would be challenging and in that challenge, she wanted to be as blatantly honest as she could be. She knew there could be repercussions from what she had to say, but it wasn’t the kind of interview that really gave room for the conservative answers. It needed more than that. It required a type of honesty that was often lost in such scenarios and demanded that it be acknowledged for what it was. With only the second question, she would come to realize just why it was done on this platform and in this manner, where time was given to answer thoroughly as the internal struggles it presented had the power to not only provide readers an insight that was uncommon, but furthermore, it had the power to get them thinking and perhaps even changing.
She’d find it more difficult to press the send button on this email as the answers seemed to be so much bigger than the last, though a few days ago, she couldn’t have imagined such a thing to be true, only leaving her to wonder just what the next round would include and if the questions would continue to get progressively more in depth as they went along. Pressing send on the email, she set her phone back on the side table and laid her head back against the back of the sofa once more, her hand returning to Jaime’s head where her fingers separated the strands of his hair, smoothing over his scalp before repeating the action once again.
-September 30, 2017
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‘How are you feeling today, love?’
There was something innately comforting about her mother’s voice on the other end of the line, for a moment. The question was one that had been asked a million times over as it was the traditional beginning to their telephone calls, and yet this time, Alex would take a slow breath. There was so much running around in her mind that the answer seemed to be something complex. Something that would take her an hour of speaking to get through it all, and even then she was sure she’d be only brushing the surface. ‘Alexandra?’ her mother spoke again on the other end of the phone, meeting her daughter’s silence with a prompting that would encourage her to come out with it.
“Stressed.”
There it was. Everything wrapped into a single word that would express just how she was feeling today.
‘Darling, there is nothing to be stressed about. The next few weeks will have things finalized that you have been working for months for. Everything will go off without a hitch and by this time next year, you won’t even remember all of the stress that you feel right now as you will feel the success of giving back and doing something for others. You simply must make it through the next few weeks. Will Jaime be coming with you?’
It all sounded so simple when her mother said it, and yet she felt it consuming her entirely. Flights. Meetings. Events. Each of those were only a single word, but they held thousands upon thousands within them. Decisions were to be made. Decisions that would effect others in ways that Alex could only begin to comprehend. The fan event there at the end would be the easy part. That was a world she understood entirely. She knew what her role was within that space and what was expected of her. But the rest, was all uncharted territory for the woman, whose only comfort would be the mission she was on and that hopefully at the end of it all, there would be an organization in place to help people that were in their darkest hours. The thought was warming to her, even amidst the stress of it all, wishing there wasn’t so damn much red tape so that they could roll this out sooner.
“I think he will come to some, if not all. I’ve arranged for his travel with me on all of them in case he’d like to join me and if he needs to stay home for anything, then that will be quite alright too. I know he has a doctor’s appointment next week, so I’m not expecting him on the trip later in that week, but we’ll see. I’m hoping he will though.”
Finding herself focusing off of the matter at hand and onto Jaime, it wasn’t uncommon for the woman to do so as she tended to push away the things that she could not deal with and focus more on the things that she could wrap her mind around as her nerves were entirely too high to be dealt with. Staring at two suitcases that sat across the room from her, both were empty, waiting to be packed, though she was procrastinating in the matter, as per usual.
‘I hope he does too. Your father hasn’t seen him in so long…’
And there it was. The reminder that Alex didn’t want and didn’t need. She knew the last time her father had seen Jaime. She knew that it had been at a rehearsal and dinner the night before their would be wedding. She knew that as much as her mother meddled, her father harbored, and there were no doubt feelings existing in that space. It was for that reason alone that she wasn’t sure if Jaime would decide to come, though ultimately the two would be in the same place at the same time at some point. Alexander Kaine was not an unfair man. He was a business man through and through and carried with him an externally cold demeanor due to the lifestyle he led. He travelled constantly, leaving even Alex to feel slightly uncomfortable in the man’s presence as she hadn’t seen him much growing up. She was always with her mother, traveling in a different direction, on this set or that. When they were at home, it was still just she and her mother, with random appearances of her father. She respected the man, but there was a formality that existed between them that was uncommon. Another thing to add to the stresses of the situation.
“I should get back to packing,” she stated, though it wasn’t entirely honest as that leant to the idea that she had already begun, which she hadn’t. “I’ll text you later though. Going to try to spend the rest of the evening with Jaime and try to relax.” It sufficed as a way off the call as her mother bid her farewell and promised to see her in a couple of days, a fact that always had her a little more on edge, yet she knew that her parents would have more power in getting this project off the ground than she would have had on her own. The phones were disconnected and Alex laid back on the bed, a heavy sigh there at her lips. Stress didn’t sit well with the woman. It was in her stress that she would turn to one thing or the other. There, on the nightstand sat proof of such in a bottle with a man’s name on it that she’d turned to so many times over the last few years, a six month stint where the two were exclusive with one another.
Her hand reached over, grasping the bottle as she brought it to her lips, taking a long drink from within before she’d will herself off the bed and down the staircase of the home to find her husband and ignore those bags for a few more hours.
-September 29, 2017
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‘When looking back, what was the biggest mistake you’ve ever made and what did you learn from it?’
The question came forth in such a sincere manner from the woman sitting across from her that Alex’s laughter would stand to be inappropriate in response. “It’s really that easy, eh?” she asked in return, as though she could take that mistake and place it in a box with a bow against the top and present it publicly without any hesitation. It would take her but a moment to gather herself in the organic reaction that came forth from her in that moment, an apology there at her lips. “I’m sorry, but I think most of my mistakes in life have been publicly broadcasted since I was four years old when I lifted my skirt at the Oscars with my mother. That is the unfortunate thing about growing up the way that I did. I didn’t get the opportunity to make normal mistakes and learn from them in a healthy manner. Instead, my mistakes were often caught on camera and I faced public ridicule for them. Perhaps not so much for that skirt lifting, as I was just a little one at the time, but all along the way up. The first time I was ever drunk, it was caught on tape and the entire world got to watch me praying to the porcelain god. That isn’t normal and it doesn’t produce normal.
But to answer your question, my biggest mistake was trusting someone I shouldn’t have. I took spoken words and ignored actions that said something else. What I learned from that? I suppose it’s cliche and one of those things people like to say when they are trying to win an argument, but I learned that actions speak louder than words. And they do. If I had paid more attention to what was happening, then perhaps I could have saved myself. But the words were so beautifully delivered and they held in them all of the things I’d like to hear in that moment. There was promise of what the future looked like and held and it was enough to hold on to, ya know? But in the end, it was all a distraction, I suppose. A smoke screen. A way to keep me looking at this here instead of that there, even when that there was so blatantly obvious. If the actions and the words don’t match up, then you already have your answer. So yeah, I’d say that was the biggest mistake of my life that I care not to repeat. Live and learn, yeah?”
The interview continued another ten minutes, speaking on the upcoming release of the latest season of ‘Fighting Chance’, talking about a co-star’s exit, and of course being asked for updates on Jaime’s health. The circuit was something she’d been off of now for some time and to return to it, it had its up sides and its down sides. This question would be a down side as it had not been given to her prior to the interview and left her feeling rather caught off guard.
As she exited the stage and returned to her assigned dressing room, she felt the mic being unfastened from her back as she waited for the solitude that would follow. Knowing that just a few miles away, Jaime was at home, undoubtedly watching the live broadcast, she wanted nothing more than to just go home. Have a drink. Have ten drinks. And pretend that question had never been brought up. It stood as a reminder to her of just what scrutiny she was under constantly. Many would say she’d never known any better and this was what it was. They would continue to say that she chose this life, but in all actuality, did she?
As the room cleared, the show continued on with another guest and another before it would all come to a close. Alex took advantage to get out of there as quickly as she could, though she’d do so with her head held high as though the question had not disturbed her, but it had. With all that she was facing over the next month and longer, the reminder was not necessary. She could have done without it, but now, as she embarked on the next chapter of her life, she would do so with the reminder that everyone liked a story of failure. Everyone liked the stories that held within them pain and suffering and if a star was to fall out of the sky at the same time, it was all the better for the media’s pocket lining.
Outside of the studio, a driver awaited the actress who exited from the building with a single bodyguard. As she found her way into the car, she would remain silent for the rest of the drive home as her thoughts drifted in and out of just what she had spoken of. What she had learned. The actual situation that she’d not been forthcoming with. Questioning herself as to whether she had truly learned it or hoped she’d learned it. Although she no longer worried about such things within the bounds of her relationship, knowing Jaime would not talk one talk and then do something else behind her back, her thoughts now drifted to that of the organization she was to spend much of the next month finalizing. Entrusting so many people with her name and her efforts, only hoping that their actions would fall in line with those beautiful things they said.
By the time the car stopped at the Edelman home, Alex was knee deep in anxiety that wouldn’t soon pass. The question was out of line, she’d remind herself, of which it would be handled, yet the damage was done. Her mind was put right back into a place that it didn’t need to be. A woman who normally came through the door with complete excitement would come in silently, offering a gentle kiss to Jaime’s cheek before going upstairs to change clothes. “I’m going to change and I’ll be back down,” she offered quietly. If actions spoke louder than words, in that moment, her actions said that she’d had a rough morning and that trip up the stairs to their bedroom wouldn’t be just to change clothes, but to let out what she’d held in for too long. Trust had done her wrong far too many times and now, she was staring at a moment in her life where trust was all she had and people were counting on her to do the right thing, to make the right decisions, and all the while, she had to face the realization that lives depended on it. The pressure was intense and it would all come to a head over a stupid interview question that had surely never held such intent.
-September 28, 2017
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The last few months had been some of the best of Alex’s life. She’d finished filming the latest season of ‘Fighting Chance’ in early May and was finally taking steps to better herself. The breakup with Jaime had taken a toll on the woman in ways that no one could have truly predicted. She started a relationship with a bottle that had always been a bit of an ongoing thing, but the two had gone exclusive and sent her down a quick spiral that nearly cost her everything. It was easy to say it was not a healthy relationship, and yet she knew the bottle would never leave her. However, what was to come later that month was just as surprising to her as it would be to anyone else. She and Jaime agreed to meet for the first time after the wedding that hadn’t happened. Nerves were high on both sides as she was to return a ring to him, yet within a short matter of time that night, the ring was back on her hand where it belonged. Since then, the two had married, and Jaime had sustained an injury that would change the landscape of things for the two. She had been able to spend more than a month with him after the injury to be there full time, but the month of October would be a different story.
It took careful planning to move things around a bit, yet she’d never let him know exactly what she had done in order to be home with him full time in those first weeks. She knew he’d tell her it wasn’t necessary, but she felt it was important for her to be the one there, taking care of him, rather than to leave him to his own devices or have someone else doing the heavy lifting. But now, he was getting around far better than he had been and the things that had been put off for her professionally had to be handled. As she looked over the email attachment in her phone requesting her approval, the next few weeks would be trying, yet the woman was up for the challenge. She recalled the conversation she’d had with her personal assistant, explaining that she wanted no more than one night away from Jaime at a time, and she’d prefer not to have that if at all possible. It was an impossible task that she’d given to her right hand, and yet as she looked at the schedule, it had been done. Each trip was kept to a single overnight stay, if at all, and had her home far more than she’d be gone. Arrangements had been made for Jaime to travel with her, should he want to, and yet she wouldn’t expect it of him.
Within the locations, she’d be spending time in Boston, New York, Los Angeles, and Atlanta, each with their own agenda. The month of September had been planned for her to get things rolling on an organization that she felt passionately about which meant meetings upon meetings, as well as face time with her mother and father who would be supporting their daughter as well as joining her in the venture. Alex had been looking for something for some time and although there were options out there as to how she could help, financial reports never did seem to sit quite right with her. Seeing charity organizations and what they were paying people within their ranks were disturbing to her, primarily when it came to paying their higher ups, which she could not allow herself to be a part of. So instead, her father suggested she do it on her own, the way she wanted.
The first step would be developing a firm vision with the connections her parents would bring to the table. All parties involved would be there to help guide her in expressing a clear purpose for the organization with a set of goals and values that would be stand as a public representation of the organization as a whole. A mission would need to be laid out as well as a plan of how to get there. They would need to continue efforts for a five-year plan for the organization as to their fundraising strategies, as well as a working budget that had begun via emails, as it was nearing completion.
The second step would be to name the organization and then register it as a 501(c)(3). In the same trip as this meeting was set up with the lawyer, she would also meet with a web designer that would be handling their online interface and presence. In that same day, an advisory board would be solidified, though most of the positions had already been worked out.
A week later, she would meet again with the group to solidify the five-year plan, as well as to continue working towards the completion of the proposed budgeting. On this trip, she would also be meeting with investors that would potentially be joining the backing that she had already put on the table, as well as that which her mother and father had contributed already, along with several other notable donors. Networking efforts were already in place to draw in other investors, yet there were some that required face to face meetings to solidify their involvement.
Finally, she’d conclude with the finalization of the five-year plan, a final meeting with the web designer, and a meeting with an advertising executive that would be coming on to promote the organization and be sure they were differentiated from others of the same brand. The goal was to have it all ready to roll out by early 2018, but in order to do so, it would take each working part coming together in perfect unison, which she wasn’t too optimistic about.
There after all of the meetings that were planned was a fan event in New York City that would be a welcomed break from the constant meetings, and yet it would hold an entirely different set of pressures of its own. It would stand as her first since getting married, and of all of the markings on the calendar, this was the one that she most hoped Jaime would join her for. Fan events were always a good time and a weekend away with him sounded pretty good. It was from this last event that the two would have the availability to take a much awaited honeymoon, which would be the prize at the end of it all if Jaime was still wanting to go.
To: Meghan Cormier
From: Alexandra Kaine Edelman
Subject: Re: Month at a glance
Please confirm all appointments for next week and then we’ll go from there. It all looks great and you did an excellent job. Go ahead and put in from October 16 through November 5 as a vacation and if you wouldn’t mind, also check in with Kelly on what we are looking at for the locations I sent her? I’d like to get something finalized for this by the end of next week. Thanks, love. -A
With her email sent a moment later, it was all put in motion and she could now look at it all as a set of goals that would bring her one step closer to one of the biggest goals she had ever set for herself. A sense of accomplishment washed over her, although she hadn’t much done any of it yet, though she knew that the first trip was just around the corner and in the end of it, there would be hours upon hours of relaxation and enjoyment and hopefully celebration with the man she loved.
-September 27, 2017
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Sitting on the sofa, Alex stared at the screen of her laptop where fourteen words were typed in bold. ‘List (and explain, if you’d like) ten things you are grateful for right now.’ The article was to be progressive, asking each cast member of ‘Fighting Chance’ to participate in different portions of the interview, giving readers the opportunity to hear from their favorites on a variety of topics. The cast had been excited for the opportunity, Alex included, however as she stared at the topics that she would need to complete, she found herself wondering how to approach this. Some things were more invasive than others and some came with the instant knowledge of what her answers /should/ be. However, Alex would never be that person. She’d never do anything just because she was supposed to, even if her mother had groomed her to be just that way. She’d carved her own way from the very second she slipped off her mother’s coat tails and done it her own way ever since. There were times it had not panned out well for the actress, but she felt it was more important to be able to look herself in the mirror each and every night. A deep breath later, she let her eyes close as her hands found the keyboard. Typing a list without looking, she began to list out the things that she found herself most grateful for, all the while not knowing how much or how little of this would actually make the article, and yet it would be submitted all the same.
~~~
I am grateful for my life. I was brought up in a world that was accepting of me, while others have been scarred by it. Growing up, I had clean water. I never had to worry about when the next time I would eat would be. I never had to see violence unless it was on a set and I was constantly told that it was staged. I didn’t have to fear anything. There have been many times that I have found myself weighed down in these thoughts. Why me? Why was it me and not someone else? I did absolutely nothing to be given this life, and yet it was handed to me. I was taught early on to be grateful for all that I had and I don’t believe that sort of teaching ever really leaves you. When I look around at the state of the world right now, my heart breaks even more than it did as a child as I see things more clearly. So first and foremost, I’m thankful for my life, and continually strive to make it worth something more. I am grateful for the opportunities that have been given to me and for so long as I am breathing, I will continue to pay it forward, and hope for better, reminding people at every step of the way that every little bit really does help.
I am grateful for my husband. The world may know him as a football player, but that man is so much more than that. He is my rock that keeps my feet firmly planted on the ground. He puts a smile on my face and a laugh at my lips so many times every day that I cannot even count. I can honestly say the most cliche thing ever and it’s true; he’s my best friend. I have never known a man with such a good heart as he has, who is so humble and kind, and who would give the shirt off his back to someone in need. Edelmom and Edeldad did a great job with him! I am thankful every day that Jaime and I met when we did and that I get to spend the rest of my life with him. We drive each other crazy in all of the best of ways, fighting over where the ketchup belongs and things of the like. There’s been a lot of speculation around us since we met in 2014 and there’s not much that I can really say on it that hasn’t been said at some point or another, but I will say this; we have fun. Every day, there is laughter in our home. And for me, that’s really what life is all about, finding someone that you can laugh with, that makes you laugh, that you can make laugh, and doing it as often as possible.
I am grateful for my family. My father and mother have been the most incredible, supportive influences that have let me be who I am. They instilled in me values that cannot be bought, but only given through example. They taught me compassion for others and not to be blind to the world and what is going on within it. They taught me that all of the things in the world cannot bring happiness and that the gifts we have should be shared with other people. They both gave me an incredible work ethic and instilled in me that if you love what you do, you never work a day in your life. They showed me the world and taught me to respect other cultures. It may not have been a ‘traditional’ upbringing, but they kept my feet on the ground and it is for them and them alone that I am as blessed as I am today.
I am grateful for my friendships. Both on set and off. The cast of ‘Fighting Chance’ is truly that of a family. Yes, I know most casts say this, but there’s something that happens within a cast, spending those hours together. Real, life long, friendships are born. I am thankful for my out of network friendships as well as these girls have kept me both at my highs and my lows, some since I was a small child. It is your friendships that keep you in the lonely times, when the world is dark and you can’t find your way out, and I am beyond blessed to have a support system bigger than I ever could have asked for.
I am grateful for my fans. There are people who approach me on the street and tell me that they have been watching me grow up on screen over the years. Then there are younger fans who are only beginning to get to know me through my affiliation with Netflix. Each and every one has been so incredibly kind to me over the years and it is for them that I do what I do. I strive to work harder for them. They are the ones that make all of those hours worth it. I truly have the greatest, most talented fans, and I hope that over the years, I will continue to be welcomed into your homes and hearts.
I am grateful for my failures. Every audition that I didn’t land. Every stumble along the way. The long nights where I had to truly sit back and contemplate how to put one foot in front of the other. My time in rehab. Heartbreak. All of it led to where I am today and it is for each failure that I work harder, never taking an ounce of success for granted. It is in our failures that we find out who we are and sometimes that is a difficult place to be. It’s hard to look one’s self in the mirror some nights and some mornings and some weeks, let’s be honest here. But each one of those failures has molded me to be stronger, to be tougher, and to work harder for what it is that I want, be it in relationships or my professional life or friendships.
I am grateful for heartbreak. In the midst of it, it feels like it’s never going to stop. It feels as though it’s going to hurt forever. I, myself, have found myself doing all kinds of things to try to make it all just stop for a bit. But I likely just made it worse. The fact is, it will stop. And when it does, you will be a better person for it. You will know yourself a little better and you will know just how much stronger you are than you thought you were. Going through heartbreaking situations is what shows us what we want and what we don’t, what we will accept and what we will not, and sometimes, it isn’t until we are in one of those situations that we truly know what our response will be. There are things I always thought I’d be able to work through, only to find out I couldn’t tolerate it. And then there were things that I thought I’d never come to accept, that I found myself accepting and moving on. Heartbreak builds us into people that can face the next day if we let it run its course without consuming us and we come out a fighter with new opportunities who might be a little kinder to ourselves.
I am grateful for my opportunities. There are opportunities that this ‘job’ has come with that I find I enjoy more than the actual job itself at times. In the state of the world today, there’s always someone that could use a hand, and I for one, do not hesitate offering mine. I am currently working on a project that I can’t wait to share with everyone, though it’s not quite ready to do so yet. But it’s one of those places that just a helping hand can go a really long way. Every little bit does count and you never quite know what the little something you do for someone else could really do for them on the broader spectrum. I’ve had the opportunity to do a little more and I will continue to do so for the rest of my life. Helping one another is what it’s really all about.
I am grateful for second chances. Every single one of us falls at some point in another. Failure is unavoidable and much needed to grow. It is because of my failures that I am such a believer in second chances. I can’t count how many times in my life I needed one and couldn’t get one. When I auditioned for my first movie (without my mother on cast) when I was seventeen years old, I didn’t get it. I was devastated and it made me question myself. Had I tried hard enough? Did I have a good grasp on the part? Was I really meant to do this or was the gig up? It took two months before I’d get the phone call that the actress who had gotten it had to come off for medical reasons and they’d like me to do a test read again. Afterwards, I got the part, and it was all thanks to a second chances. Some of the greatest things in life come off of second chances paired with a little hard work. Don’t be afraid to take them or to offer them because you never know just what might be waiting for you there.
I am grateful for naysayers. All along the way, there have been people who have had something to say about me because of my mother being who she is. Comparing me to her. I didn’t have her acting abilities or her grace. For a split second, I listened. I was coming off my first movie when this was directed at me for the first time and for a moment, not going to lie, it hurt. And then I came to realize, I’m not going to have my mother’s grace or act as she does. I am not her and I’ll never be her. This was not the only time, the last time, or the most significant time that such a thing has come to pass, as there are those who will speak ill of you every step of the way. The part that is nearly comical to me is that these ones that have a lot to say? Most times, they don’t even know you. I’ve been told to ignore them entirely, as they are just trolls on the internet, but instead, I hear them. I let it all soak in and while they are spewing their anger or hate or simply running off at the mouth because they have gotten bored, I sit back and I smile. It is their fire that fuels me to do /my thing/ even more. Do I wish that they would chill and remember that just because I am me doesn’t mean that I don’t have feelings? Sure. But at the end of the day, I smile. I am me and that is not ever going to change. And there happen to be a few people out there that think that’s pretty great and that’s enough for me.
~~~
As she came to the last talking point, she found that her eyes were open and there was a broad smile on her face. There was something to this article that she hadn’t quite expected when she began. Being asked to list the things she was thankful for, she’d imagined it would be a five second job, but before she knew it, she’d been at it for nearly four hours, and she felt as though she’d only brushed the tip of it all. It was so easy to get caught up in the day to day and not take a moment to realize just how much she had to be thankful for. She’d never thought herself to be one to struggle with gratitude or showing it, thinking that she had a fairly firm grip on such things, but it wasn’t until she felt the warmth running through her, powering a smile to her features, that she’d realize this exercise wasn’t just an obligation for work where she was to form the list for a magazine article. It was something more than that. It was for her. It was an opportunity for her to dig a little deeper and to be open with people at the same time. She didn’t bother to read through what she had written, though she knew maybe she should have. Instead, she’d ride on the high feeling that held her in that moment, trusting herself, and pressed send on the email reply to submit her portion of responses. She’d never know how much of it would get out, and yet she knew that even if it was posted in its entirety, she would be proud of it just the same. The woman was no stranger to press criticism, but in that very minute, she was on a high, with one more thing to be grateful for as the opportunity to even be asked that question had brought forth a deep sense of gratitude in the woman that would surely carry her through that day and perhaps a few more after that.
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