#3. let’s hope this makes me write the high concept dune fic that i have also been procrastinating for the longest time | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

usedpidemo · 2 years

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Update - one year anniversary (+ some reflection and future?)

Hello, everyone. π here.

It has been a full year since I've opened this blog and released my first fic. I can't believe it's already been a year; how time flies! Plenty of highs and lows in between, but at least I haven't quit—at least for now.

Like a bunch of sports analysts, let's go through some completely pedantic and arbitrary stats and milestones.

First work: Sandwich - Red Velvet Wendy (published 05/13/21, 4:03 a.m.)

Highest note count: Shot in the night - Blackpink Rosé (published 01/03/22, 471 notes)

Number of works published: 65 fics (1 fic every 5.6 days)

Average note count: 239.8 notes (15,587 accumulated notes)

500 followers: June 18, 2021 (36 days or 1 month, 5 days)

1,000 followers: October 12, 2021 (152 days or 4 months, 30 days)

1,500 followers: March 2, 2022 (294 days or 9 months, 22 days)

Follower count: 1,725 followers (4.7 followers a day)

None of this would be possible without you, the reader. Thank you so much for the continued support, whether it's a reblog, like, or the occasional comment. Here's to another year 🧡

From this point on, I'll dive into a bit of a tangent about things I don't really discuss outside of important context, so this is your last warning if you don't want to pay attention to it. Also, I kinda need a reason to vent some frustration out, so enjoy.

Quality/Quantity

If you've noticed, I've published 65 works over the past year. That's one new fic every 5.6 days. Sure, it was the pandemic and all so I had plenty of free time and there were a bunch of quickies in between, but it's certainly no excuse for some of them to be absolute fucking duds. I find reading most of my earlier works extremely difficult, if not completely impossible, to reread. Whether it's grammar issues, typos, or simply a rushed concept, I look at most of my work from the beginning with utter contempt. Much like how David Fincher and David Lynch hate Alien 3 and Dune, respectively. Part of me wants to remove them just because I don't want to give you the misery of watching a newbie π figure things out like a child, but I'm sure someone already has my work archived and saved. Or not. For historical purposes, I have no intention to delete them off my site, so you can see the growth with each passing work. There's still plenty to learn and much to hone, but I'm certainly nowhere close to the ideal version of myself as a writer.

Confidence/Competitive issues

At the end of March 2022, I announced that I'd be taking a short break for mental health reasons. Truth is, it was more of a personal problem in regards as to how I perceive my work and compare it with others. This has always been an issue rooted even in my childhood days: I was ultra competitive as fuck. If I wasn't the best or one of the best, then why the fuck would I bother? Of course, I've mellowed down since, but you always want to stand out and have something distinct about you when you're under the microscope of others, and writing was no exception. The more I wrote and the more I read, I grew more desperate to evolve and adapt. I became obsessed. I was disappointed when something wasn't hitting my personal expectation or threshold, or when someone wrote an idol that was subjectively better than mine. I'll briefly clarify that I bear no personal grudges toward anyone, you're just doing you and I'm doing mine. Anyway, as the months rolled by, while I knew I was improving with gentle hops and skips, I saw that everyone else were making leaps and bounds with their abilities. I wasn't gonna catch up and I felt defeated. This ultimately lead to me becoming unnecessarily frustrated and depressed. Something I had fun with at the start turned into a poisonous relationship and soured my mind. I tried to play it off as a mood swing, but it was growing to the point where I no longer could simply hide it. So into hiatus it was, and I stepped away briefly in the hopes that I can rediscover myself all over again.

Cynicism

If you've been interacting with me on Discord, you'll notice the gradual change in how I look at myself and other things. The most obvious thing to point out is how often I joke about how shitty or terrible I am, to the point that I've been called out a few times about it. How am I supposed to be idealistic? You have to realize not everyone will share the same attitude regarding life as you. Of course, I'm not one to cause conflicts, so I've deflected my thoughts into a private echo chamber that only the few people I can trust can hear, but nevertheless, please understand that everyone has different ways to express frustration. The last year has been incredibly fucking tough for everyone and I was no exception. Loss of a loved one, stuck at home for months on end, crippling loneliness, and so much more. I turned to writing as a way to escape and vent, perhaps spark my childhood imagination to life again, and for the first time in a while, I felt validated and accepted. So I continued, hoping that perhaps I can reach the peak of greatness that those before me stand, but I still have a long way to go. But instead of figuring things out, I beat myself and became a defeatist, unintentionally affecting the people around me in a negative way.

Future

I'm pretty much on borrowed time. I've started college. Next semester, I'm going back to class, touching grass and actually making friends outside of a virtual space. I'm still awkward as fuck. Additionally, my interests tend to burn out like a dying star. Writing is no exception. I might grow sick and tired of this hobby and just ditch it, much like movies and modern Western pop music. But I'm not gonna let myself go out in a whimper. As much as I have a long term plan, plans tend to go awry in a moment. With that said, I hope that with whatever time I have left before it's consumed by studies as a top priority is spent well. Delete this will be completed. I have already constructed the full arc including the ending for the series, so please look forward to it. It's a series very dear to me; not only did it launch my blog high up to the stars, but also it's a piece of legacy that I can leave behind should I be called away prematurely. Other stuff I have in mind are more non-smut fics. I've always enjoyed storytelling through my love of film, so perhaps I can expend my repertoire to more diverse story content. And of course, become a better writer. My therapist gave me one really interesting piece of advice, "You're only as good as your latest work." I apologize if my body of work or style is not up to par with some of the others, but I am trying my best.

Ending

I don't really have anything cool to say to finish up this tangent, but I just want to take this opportunity to say thank you to everyone—especially the cool people I've met through Discord. You've been a huge godsend during these difficult times, and though I'm not vocal about it, please understand that I appreciate you. For providing encouragement, giving your ears whenever I vent, or answering my stupid or silly questions, I sincerely thank you. If I could repay you in kind, I would. Regardless of how you feel or think about me, let's continue to live together peacefully.

And of course, this is nothing without you, the reader, for checking out even a single word I've composed. Much love.

Grace be with you all,

Peter / π

#update #anniversary #announcement

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