just talking excuse me/

im seeing TOO MUCH lately about living and becoming who you want to be etc and i have so much planned if i could only get the push i need and im making the efforts to get it (medication that works, plans to move out etc etc) but i still feel like im just to passive about everything even in regard to getting help

like big plan no1 is medication to actually get me focused and to regain the ability to just DO STUFF cause i havent been able to just create or enjoy things normally in years because im just so out of it, its not a case of expectations anymore or worrying about skill its a literal block mental or otherwise and theres really no other answer at this point because its beyond me

big plan 2 is simply finally making my neocities becuase i can feel that making that place to finally put out all the stuff thats in my head will do so much for me even if its just fan stuff at first but i can feel that it will sincerely help me regain some portion of my life lost to being too worried about my art being bad and being embarrassed to talk etc etc etc, i just genuinely cannot get past the first step cause i cannot focus long enough, theres plenty of refs and help for coding and the like but its just me being unable to focus and process it and sticking to it that has me stuck

ANYWAYS im not entirely sure why im writing all this or who im talking to it might be this new "shift" cause the internets falling apart and i feel bad about potential friends i couldve had or things ive couldve done, none of its really lost forever but it is still a significant period of time that ive lost because ive just become passive and nothing else

saying aloud to anyone or everyone i apologize for being just so passive towards everything and everyone all of these years, its my own fault for not doing a thing, me being stuck is no one elses problem but my own but i cant deny that its the reason for it, i sat for too long thinking "once i get there then i can actually be myself" as if having something to show for myself is required to be a person, planning on being a person and actively engaging only AFTER having something worth showing to others isnt how anything works, ive never been uninterested in anyone who gave me a chance ive cared this whole time and i'll miss them forever but i cant blame anyone but myself if they up and leave, i never did enough on my end and thats on me

again idk who im talking to and im not expecting to be forgiven (forgiven by who?? idk whats going on lel) but im just saying it aloud in some sort of way, im working on it and will always be working on it