#(forcing myself not to barehandedly take cast iron skillets out of the oven at work? harder than youd think!) | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

mosstrades · 10 months

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Every day I want to smoke and every day I don't because I know that beyond the arch of juvenile, relieving self-abandonment, is actual self-destruction, and there's nothing good about fracturing your ability to enjoy being alive (let alone, like, stay being alive). But when it's already difficult to connect with the 'enjoyment' part (to feel it at all, to feel you deserve it or to even believe it exists, sometimes), and you *also* take away the self-abandonment, you sort of have... nothing left going for you except the effort of self-betterment. And that's, y'know. Hard.

#not helpful that every caretaker ive ever had has been a chainsmoker #this also goes for: drinking (though less so)#and *especially* for self harm #both direct classic kinds and more insidious ones #(forcing myself not to barehandedly take cast iron skillets out of the oven at work? harder than youd think!)#ive been lucky that even though addiction runs in the family and i have mental illness ive had enough countering influences to #not fall into that trap before i knew better and could get support about it #but barreling towards your 20s like a deer towards the highway will do this to you i guess #Anyway today im going to swallow down the cynicism and try to start doing yoga and journaling again #i'll never be happy like i was but i can find something else. id rather it be nicer than getting drunk off cider and pretending i dont have #to go to work tomorrow which is what i actually want to do #nah. yoga and journaling and eating dinner. like someone who wants to live. wants to see as many sunsets as he can #and live a life where emotional intelligence and connection are not hindered #and who knows. someone who gets to feel peaceful sometimes #the effort isnt futile. it feels futile and childish but it isnt. there is a world where my heart is coherent more days than it is a fist #and thats a world worth the effort of building it #sometimes it feels inevitable though. like i *have* to come as close to self-annihilation as possible in order to earn having survived #a siren song that wont rest until i answer it and if i survive then I get to live #and everything before is just fantasy and prelude #and everything after is actually real #...guess thats something to journal about later instead of the cider thing #they werent lying that come of can age lmao #nick.txt #self harm recovery #addiction cw #vent #yeah yeah im oversharing to the void i know. its been a long summer

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