#(by which he means richard ii and oscar wilde and injured knights with long hair and poets on laudanum and artists on cocaine)
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#i’m starting to wonder if i hate myself for having been born a transsexual#it’s not shame— but there’s something in the way i think about myself that’s deep and bitter. i don’t know. well i’ve never enjoyed myself#in general. i’ve never been ashamed of it and i’ve never been proud of it in fact i hate talking about it entirely#and i’ve realised i don’t even like thinking about it too deeply. too knee-deep in history’s men-image#(by which he means richard ii and oscar wilde and injured knights with long hair and poets on laudanum and artists on cocaine)#i feel sick. it isn’t a sickness because i can’t be ‘cured’ and i don’t want to be and it’s intrinsic but modern vocabulary feels heavy in#my mouth and puts me in a petri dish. even ‘transsexual’ feels like uber modern parlance sometimes. i can’t do it#but that’s the word. just sometimes i think it would have all been easier if things had gone otherwise. and i know that makes me bad at thi#i have to speak to you in your language. and i don’t know what i mean by that or even where that thought comes from. it’s your language#i should be in the bronze age right now i’m sorry i got waylaid. i got lost#i can’t stop being it but if i think too much about it i start wanting to eat my own fingers and i think— and this is my hypothesis—#it’s because i’ve never enjoyed myself i’ve never been in a healthy relationship and i can’t remember the last time i had fun#but then that’s another thing i’m not made for. that’s a lie there is a desperate aesthete in here who has been so starved of hedonism for#as long as i’ve had him that he’s hoarse. i’m tired i’ve been walking for nine hundred years my feet hurt#i don’t know. why me why now et cetera. i’m just wondering if i don’t despise myself a bit for it— like it’s a trick i did in a past life#again. it’s a privilege. it’s more intrinsic to my personhood than blood type or astigmatism or that weird thing i have with my hip#and i could be proud of it if only i could work out how. i’m content— in the same way i’m content with everything— but i don’t know.#i don’t like talking about it i don’t like thinking about it because it feels like i’m losing the game i’m constantly playing against mysel#in my head. i’m my own personal spin doctor you see#whatever. sorry. in light of doing better i can get this out too. can you believe i haven’t been kissed in years
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