#(and of course the 0.2 conversations i’ve had in the last 4 years where i try to explain i cant do things and im told im looking for prais
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One of the many continuity errors in Supernatural that has always bugged me is deciding that Earth and Hell function along the same time rather than in the first 6-7ish seasons where Dean’s 4 months dead on earth is 40 years in Hell and Sam’s death that lasted for over a year was more than 120 years in Hell. So I decided to see based on this what the actual time would be in hell if they continued having this original timing and how much more urgent and frenzied scenes involving going against anyone in Hell in a time sensitive event would probably have to be.
So we have the basics 4 earth months = 40 hell years and 1 earth year (12 earth months) = 120 hell years.
So 10 years in Hell = 1 month on earth
30 (average days in a month)/10 (years in hell in a month) = 3 so 1 year in hell is equal to 3 days.
3 (days on earth = to 1 hell year)/ 12 (months in a year) = 0.25 so 0.25 days on earth (so 6 hours) is = to 1 month in Hell
6 (hours on earth = to 1 month in hell)/4 (average weeks in a month) = 1.5 so 1.5 hours on earth = 1 week in hell
1.5 (hours on earth = to 1 week in hell)/7(days in a week)= 0.21428571 so a little over 0.2 hours (roughly 12.8571426 minutes) on earth is 1 day in hell.
12.8571426 (minutes on earth = to 1 day in hell)/ 24 (hours in a day) = 0.53571428 so a little over half a minute on earth = 1 hour in hell
0.53571428 (minutes on earth = to 1 hour in hell)/60 (minutes in an hour)= 0.00892857 minute
So to summarize
120 years in hell = 12 months
40 years in hell = 4 months
10 years in hell = 1 month
1 year in hell = 3 days
1 month in hell = 6 hours
1 week in hell = 1.5 hours
1 day in hell ≈ 12.86 minutes
1 hour in hell ≈ 0.54 of a minute
1 minute in hell ≈ 0.009 of a minute
Think of how much angst they could’ve used with this. There was so much build up to recognizing the lack of mental health and emotional instability of any character. A completely lost opportunity of Sam after Dean comes back from Hell calculating the difference between Hell and Earth’s time and just breaking a little bit and they’re at a diner and he looks at a clock before he starts eating and Dean goes to use the bathroom before they leave, and Sam looks up at a clock and realizes they’ve spent maybe a half hour eating. And he has to keep himself from crying because “My brother would’ve been tortured for over 2 days and I couldn’t do anything about it”.
Dean tries not to think about time in Hell at all. He feels like shit when he reacts to something that reminds him of his death or when he was tortured (dogs. He really hates dogs. He doesn’t want to hate them. What kind of man is scared of a pooch? But he hears dogs feet padding or some dog scratching something and he’s gripping his palms until his fingernails pierce his skin not to react.) Fuck his forty years. His baby brother, the kid he fed, bathed, clothed, and raised since he was 4, was down their with fucking Lucifer for over 120 years. His one job, besides hunting, has always been to care for Sam. He redirects it instead, his fear of Hell and his anger as a shitty protector and caretaker and parent onto everyone, including his best friend who had a hand in this.
Cas after he gets his memory back and sees Sam and Dean together and realizes the two of them were tortured for a combined 160+ years in hell and he tells them “I’m sorry. I know anything I do will never be enough to make up for this, but I’m sorry.” And they’re both like 😕🤔 “about what?” and Cas just goes “if I were even a few minutes faster based on earth’s time, I could’ve at least saved either of you from a day in Hell.” It’s the most awkward and uncomfortable and tense ride home. And they all just think about how horrible they are at trying to save and protect the people closest to them.
Of course Sam and Cas will probably be the only ones to have a productive conversation soon after because Dean doesn’t want to have any “chick flick moments” but the next case they meet this psychic therapist who can see everyone’s memories by touching them and Dean hand’s them a fake FBI badge or something and they accidentally brushed against his hand and sees everything and tries to hide their shock. When it’s revealed who they are, before the boys leave the psychic tells Dean that they’re door is always free and open. Before the episode ends, Dean is angry about something and he gets in his car, and it looks like he’s driving to a bar at first but he drives to the therapist and goes “I want to stop. Stop being so angry, so mean . . . so scared. I just . . . I wanna get better. I wanna be better. I’ve been an ass too many times to too many people I care about but . . . I don’t know how to not be what I was told I was supposed to be. And I’m scared of what I might be when I’m not.”
Right before the episode ends, the camera shows therapy business cards on Sam and Cas’ bedside tables.
Didn’t mean to create a whole fanfic thing but whoops
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Head Over Heals For You
CH 3
The drive to Santa Ana was nice, in Dinah’s mind. She has her left hand locked on the steering wheel, the other in Normani’s soft grasp. The air conditioning is on low, filling the enclosed vehicle with a light cool air, forming a soft hum. The only other sound coming from their soft talking. Dinah can feel Normani’s nerves in her hand. She’s already briefed the older woman on her family, and what to expect the next few days.
Dinah’s not necessarily worried about her family meeting Normani. Her siblings, as embarrassingly annoying they can be, are extremely friendly and respectful. They have always been taught to be humble and modest, and to respect other people’s privacy. So, she isn’t really worried about them bombarding Normani with questions and creepy stares. Her extended family though. That’s another story. Now that family, is obnoxiously abrasive and forward, and will show no mercy in trying to gain Normani’s attention. And Dinah is dreading that.
Their light conversations continue throughout the rest of the car ride, Dinah attempting to distract Normani from her nerves. Diverting her attention from knowing that they are nearing their destination, until they are right around the corner and she has no choice but to speak up.
It’s a little after 4 when she turns onto the street of the home where she spent most of her teenage years, “We’re here.” She squeezes the older girls hand.
“Really?” Normani perks up as Dinah parks in front of a modest one-story family home. “That was fast.” She tugs the inside of her bottom lip between her teeth and looks in Dinah’s eyes.
“Don’t be nervous, Manz.” Dinah breathes, leaving a gentle kiss to the darker woman’s forehead.
“I wish it worked like that.” She scoffs, unbuckling her seatbelt. “Ready?” Normani says to her, she has one hand on the door handle and a smirk on her face.
“Looks like you are.” Dinah shoots back, “Come on.” She continues, pushing the door open and beating the older woman out of the car. They walk to the door together. Her arm resting around Normani’s shoulders, Normani once again playing with her fingers.
She removes her arm before she knocks.
The door swings open faster than expected. The smile on the teenage girl’s face wiped off completely when she looks back and forth between the two guests.
“M-mom!"
"What Mila!” A mature, feminine voice yells back. Dinah looks at her sister expectantly, waiting for the younger girl to move. Normani just stands there confused.
“Were we expecting a beautiful celebrity and a hooker today?” Dinah glares at her sister, pushing her out of her way and moving through the doorway.
“Don’t make me hurt you, Mila.” She laughs pulling her younger sister into a tight hug.
“I missed you.” The younger girl laughs as they pull away. She looks at the celebrity beside her sister reaches out for a hug.
“Hi, I’m Kamila. It’s nice to finally meet you.” Dinah is taken back by her sister’s politeness; her mom must’ve forced her to behave.
“It’s nice to meet you too.” Normani smiles wide at the kind teenager.
“Dinah talks about you all the time.” Kamila’s smile turns to a fake mischievous smile as she looks at Dinah.
Dinah’s eyes go wide at the comment. “W-what, Mila no I don’t.” the younger girl shrugs.
“Well, Gina does and so does the internet.” She winks at her older sisters ‘girlfriend’, retreating into the living room where she was, avoiding her mother’s growing, voice asking her if she finished her homework, signaling that she was coming closer. The woman enters the hallway from the kitchen.
“You just gonna stand in the hallway or you gonna give your girlfriend a tour?"
"Ma.” Dinah whines but her mother just tells her to hush up. She’s told her mother that aren’t official yet but apparently the older woman is in a teasing mood.
“Hello, Normani I’m Malika.” Her mother says pulling Normani into a hug, “just call me Mama, or Mama Lika, everyone does.” The woman looks Normani up and down causing the darker woman to subconsciously raise her eyebrows and widen her eyes when she realizes what’s happening. Dinah eyes her mother cautiously, trying to figure out what she was up to.
“You are a very beautiful woman.” Normani tugged the hem of her shirt down, slightly feeling uncomfortable.
“Oh, no sweetie.” Dinah’s mom smirks. “Don’t hide. I’ve seen the portfolio my daughter thought was hidden in that box under her bed. And might I say, you, are a beautiful woman.” Yup, definitely in a teasing mood.
Normani’s mouth drops open as wide as her eyes. Blood rushing to her dark cheeks.
That portfolio was supposed to be private. There were detailed sketches and paintings of Normani’s toned body, in lingerie, nude… The photography wasn’t as bad, despite consisting of photos of the two of them in compromising positions, she always had something on. But the thought of Dinah’s mom seeing any of those items makes her want to curl up in a ball out of embarrassment.
“Mama!” Dinah yells, eyes just as wide. She hears Normani groan and mumble 'my God’ under her breath.
****
It’s the day after Normani spent the night. Dinah’s family came to visit her in New York. Dinah is playing with Seth on top of her bed while her mom is complaining about the mess in her room. It’s a combination of hers and Normani’s items; the older woman would usually arrive in some uncomfortably tight material and ankle breaking heels that everyone knows Dinah wouldn’t be caught dead wearing. And would leave in something more comfortable, and usually Dinah’s.
She glances up when she hears her mother sigh. The older Poly is holding a very expensive necklace surrounded with diamonds and a matching bracelet that she picked up from Dinah’s nightstand, “Dinah where’d this stuff come from?”
“A friend left it here.” She shrugs going back to playing with her brother. Dinah’s never seen it before Normani must’ve took it off last night when she changed into Dinah’s clothes to be more comfortable.
“A friend?” She looks back up at her mom’s questioning voice, “You’re telling me that a friend left her necklace and matching bracelet- that cost maybe a couple thousands of dollars each, on your nightstand table?"
Dinah hums, "mhmm.” And lets the older woman continue to pick up items from her floor. Dinah watches for a little while, as her mom picks up clothing item after item and throws it in the direction of the hamper in the connecting bathroom. The woman picks up another item that does not belong to her. She holds the navy-blue material in the air, trying to figure out what it is.
“It’s a dress, Ma.” Dinah chimes in nodding to the dress Normani was wearing last night. Granted, Dinah barely saw the thing on her considering she was covered with a large black trench coat. But she did get a glimpse of it when they were in her room for her to grab clothes for Normani to change into, and boy did that dress make Dinah want to lay the woman on her bed and have her right then and there. If only her sister wasn’t sitting in the living room, waiting for them to watch a second movie.
“I’m trying to figure out what it covers.” Her mom sighs again, looking her deep in the eyes.
Dinah sighs back, “Ma, we’re just friends. She changed in my room last night and had to leave quick early this morning.” She can tell her mother isn’t believing her bull, but that’s all she’s got to give the woman right now.
She hears her mother mutter something under her breath as she folds the see-through velvety dress and places it on top of the dresser.
Dinah leaves the room for a few minutes with Seth in her arms to get him a sippy cup of juice, returning with both Seth and Gina closely at her heals. Her room is significantly cleaner, thanks to her mother’s magic. The older woman was sitting on the floor facing the bed looking down at something, intently. Dinah doesn’t pay any attention before plopping back on her newly made bed with her baby brother.
“That’s Mani!” She turns as she hears her 7-year old sister say excitedly, she watches Gina’s eyes furrow questioningly and her lip curl up, “Why doesn’t she have on clothes?"
She’s up off the bed in 0.2 seconds covering her sister’s eyes forcefully.
"Ma, those are private!” she yells, tearing the box away with her other hand.
Her mother laughs handing the photograph to her. Dinah lets out a breath of relief, thankful that she didn’t make it to the more explicit photos. The photo she was holding is an image of Normani sitting on the foot of her bed, wearing nothing but a pair of yellow booty shorts. Her long, wavy hair long enough to cover her breast.
Her sister’s eyes were saved.
She hears her mother mutter, “friends my ass.”
And of course, Gina and her big mouth has to say something, “No, Mani is Dinah’s girlfriend. They cuddled last night and I saw them kiss this mornin’ before Mani left.”
“She’s not my girlfriend, yet."
"Then why’d you kiss her?” Her sister counteracts, her mom’s just sitting there smirking at her triumphantly, leaving Dinah frustrated and unable to find words.
******
“I’m just playin’ girls, chill.” Dinah’s mom laughs at their reactions, walking backwards. “Gina and Seth are out back!” She yells from the kitchen.
Once completely out of site, Dinah turns to look at Normani who just so happens to be glaring at her. She sends a sheepish smile at the shorter woman. Normani scoffs sarcastically before backhanding Dinah’s arm.
Dinah can’t help but laugh at the other woman.
She fake pouts. “Ow, Mani. She didn’t see anything bad I promise.” Normani narrows her eyes at the younger woman.
“Dinah all of those photos were private.” She scolds. Dinah sticks her bottom lip out forming another pout.
They stand in the hallway smiling at one another. Dinah watches as Normani slowly breaks into a soft laugh. Her eyes narrowing into tight slits. Her mouth forming that perfect face splitting grin that Dinah loves.
She wants so desperately to kiss her right now, as she’s laughing. And she’s leaning in to do just that. Slowly, inching her way closer. Normani’s laughter fades to silence and she’s leaning in to close the distance. Their lips ghost over each other’s before abruptly pulling away.
A door slamming from the back of the house brings them back to reality. Quick feet pattering on tile.
“Mani!” Dinah’s youngest sister yells running full speed 'round the corner. The little girl throws herself around the older woman, nearly tackling her to the ground. Dinah places a strong hand on the Normani’s lumbar to help steady her.
“Hey, Princess.” Normani laughs as she regains her balance. She lifts the 7-year old on her hip hugging her tightly.
“I missed you.” Regina giggles.
“Apparently more than you’ve missed your own sister.” Dinah points out, interrupting their moment. Normani narrows her eyes and sticks her tongue out.
Dinah just folds her arms waiting for her sister to love her.
Her attention is drawn to the end of the hallway, where a little head of dark hair pokes back and forth from behind the corner. She smiles, kneeling on the floor to make herself shorter. Dinah sits there waiting for the head to peep back around the corner, smiling big when it finally does. They lock eyes for a second before the head disappears. She hears soft giggling.
“Sethy.” She calls for him. The giggles grow louder.
She looks back up at Normani who’s talking away with her younger sister, paying her no mind.
Dinah’s knocked off balance when a little body crashes into her, making her land on her back with a thud and a groan. She glares up at the other two who are now laughing at her.
“Gotcha.” The little voice laughs as he sits on top of her stomach. She sits up and starts tickling him making his laughter grow into squeals.
“top!” the toddler squeals, “Dinahsaur! 'top it!” Dinah picks the giggling boy up in her arms. She smiles big at him before squeezing him tight against her chest.
“I missed you, Sethy."
"Miss’d you.” He replies with a lisp planting a big wet kiss to her cheek.
The boy tucks his head in his big sister’s neck, in attempt to hide his face, when he notices the unfamiliar set of eyes that’s holding his sister, on him.
“Sethy, say hi to Mani.” Gina’s voice booms. Seth pushes his head further into Dinah’s neck. She can feel the smile he has on his face so he knows that he is only acting shy, like earlier.
“Sethy.” Dinah pokes his tickle spot in his side, he squirms. “Can you say hi to Normani.”
He pulls his head back and looks at the pretty woman holding Regina, “Hi, Nani.” His soft, airy voice almost makes Normani melt at how cute the young child is.
“Hi, cutie.” She smiles, and he tucks his head back into Dinah’s neck with a small smile before wiggling to be put down on his feet. Normani puts Regina down on the floor as well, her arms feeling a bit tired from holding the larger child.
They follow Seth into the kitchen where her mom is prepping for dinner.
“Want help, mom?"
Her mom chuckles, "Oh no, honey. I’m not trying to burn my kitchen down today, maybe tomorrow when we need a reason for everyone to go home."
"I’m not that bad a- ”
“Yes, you are!” Everyone but Seth says simultaneously, including Kamila who was lounging on the couch in the next room.
“You people are so mean to me.” Normani chuckles and pats her back.
“I’ll help.” She offers stepping around the counter. Mama Lika eyes her cautiously before agreeing with a nod and telling the girl what she needs her to do, to which the darker woman nods and begins her task effortlessly.
When Normani isn’t paying attention, the older Poly turns her head to Dinah, mouthing “I like her.” me too, Dinah thinks smiling at her woman, me too.
They eat dinner about an hour later when Dinah’s dad returns home from work. It goes smoothly. Dinah is entranced with how perfect Normani is. Normani engages in conversation with everyone at the table like she’s known them her whole life; Dinah’s family loves her. She fits into Dinah’s family like a perfect little glove and Dinah’s loving every bit of it. From the way her sisters eyes widen at stories of Paris, Brazil, and crazy fans. To the way Normani smoothly answers all of her parents’ questions smooth and respectively.
“Dinah, why don’t you go bring your guys’ bags in and on up to Gina’s room.” Her father suggests as her mother and Kamila clear the table.
Dinah nods to her father getting up from the table to do as she’s told. Once the bags are placed in the room neatly she heads back downstairs where her two youngest siblings are playing in the living room. Normani is nowhere to be found. Dinah’s dad lets her know that Normani stepped outside to take a phone call. She makes her way back into the living room, plopping down on the couch and turning her attention to a Disney Channel show Regina had on the tv.
She’s lounging with Gina’s head resting on the side of her boobs as she’s poking away at some game on her tablet. Seth’s laying over her legs, poking at her squishy tummy and her dad is snoring away on the recliner chair across the room when Normani comes back inside. She’s watched two episodes of Descendants 2.
She scoots Gina away from her making room for Normani. Gina whines at the change in space when Normani sits down. Normani opens her arms for the girl to come cuddle her and she relunctantly lays back down- head now resting on Normani’s boobs.
It’s after 9 o'clock when everyone heads up to bed. Dinah’s mom picks Seth up off of her after he passed out watching the tv.
“Goodnight ladies.” The woman says, “We’re going to bed. Come on, Gina. Gordon.” The little girl sighs dramatically, removing herself from a sleeping Normani and the man groggily rises from his chair. Dinah’s mom kisses Dinah’s cheek.
“Love you ma, pa.” Dinah’s says as they retreat up stairs.
Dinah shuts the tv off, gently shaking Normani awake. She kisses the woman’s forehead before pulling her up and leading her up to bed. They change out of their clothes. Normani in a t-shirt and panties, Dinah in a sports bra and gym shorts.
“Your family thinks we’re dating.” Normani mumbles spooning Dinah from behind after coming back from brushing her teeth after Dinah.
Dinah turns around to look at her slightly shrugging her shoulders, “Is that a bad thing?"
Normani shakes her head no, "It’s a false thing…"
Dinah attaches her forehead to Normani’s, her eyes are averted down. Normani can tell she’s nervous about something.
Dinah always gets this way when they talk about relationships, more specifically their relationship. She knows Dinah’s been wanting to ask her. She knows she’s been claiming
_____________________________________________
Hey guys, my birthday was the other day. Finally 21.
Hope you guys like this update, it’s small, but cute to me… the next few ch. include the stay with Dinah’s family. lmk what you guys want to read about or if I’m failing as a writer lmk that as well.
Wttpd: Kosax12
K, bye.
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Get Acquainted—Sunday Chats—3/4/18
So I will be talking about this a lot over the next few days, but I have a brand new podcast that I want you all to check out.
Get Acquainted, with Alex O’Neill
My new show is called Get Acquainted, and it’s a one on one interview show. And I know. I get it. Everyone has one nowadays, but I’ve been working on this for a while, and I’m really excited about the conversations I’m going to have on it.
First and foremost, you can go subscribe to this show right now. It’s on iTunes and everyone, with just a little preview episode available to get you subscribed and ready for my first episode, next week.
You also get to hear the amazing music made just for this show by my friend Micah E. Wood, who you can go listen to more of his music on iTunes and Spotify as well!
iTunes Link
If you can rate or review this while it’s just launching, that would be immensely helpful. My first guest is Andrea Rene and her episode will be releasing next week. This is going to be a monthly show with different guests on each podcast, and the format will evolve and change over time.
I’m really excited to finally launch this show, and I hope you all like it!
Honestly that’s the big news I wanted to get out, so let’s go right to questions.
You can send your questions @ me when you see my tweet on Sunday afternoons with the hashtag #SundayChats in it!
I mean the big one is Grand Theft Auto. I’ve played 2, 4, and 5, and I think all of them are like, fine. This infatuation with GTA V is so beyond me. I hate to sound so stuck up, but it’s a series I’ve just never had much patience for. There is supreme quality and technical design there, but none of the entries have stuck with me. That being said, all of the more seminal ones (Vice City, San Andreas, and GTA 3) I haven’t played, so I could be missing a lot of the core of that series.
I’ve also, and this is me just really thinking about it for a moment, but I’ve never really loved the Battlefield series? By which I mostly mean the “modern” Battlefield games. I loved the original, 1942 was the first FPS I ever played, and it is super special to me. I enjoyed 1943, but most of all I adored Bad Company 2. I like the original, but BC2 is where it’s at. But Battlefield 3/4 and most recently 1, all haven’t really done much for me .I’ve bounced off of all of them, but the idea of another WW2 Battlefield game, which is rumored to be this year’s, actually has me excited. If they can get 1942 vibes again.
I mean Max Scoville once gave me pogs out of his pockets. But I dunno, they’re just bits of cardboard really, right?
So porgs. I liked the porgs. As someone who didn’t love everything about The Last Jedi, I liked porgs a whole lot.
Absolutely. There are multiple pieces that I’ve gone back to and completely rewritten. In fact most of them still aren’t published because I’d probably rewrite most of them again if given the chance. Hell I’ve written something on Persona 4 Golden about six times.
Which I think is similar to the situation you’re in, right? As Night in the Woods is your favorite game Steven, I feel you when I channel that to write about mine, Persona 4.
But a project that’s special to you should take time. Sometimes the ideas come and go and you feel good about them, but you don’t want to rush something you feel you only have one crack at. Get Acquainted is a show I have had rummaging around for two full years, and I’m finally in a place where I feel I can do it. So take your time.
This is tricky. It’s different for different things. I mean if it was numbers and clicks and views, i’d have quit this gig a long time ago haha. I think projects where I can see my own personal growth in them, like the run of five episodes for the latest Alex Talks. I can see the change from the first to the last as far as editing ability and my hosting capability. So I take that as a success.
Plus a lot of people had very kind things to say about that series, and that makes me feel really good.
I think it’s a combination of all of the above. Ultimately if you’re really proud of a thing and think it’s genuinely cool, even if no one sees or hears it, it’s a quality thing you made. Then, when you’re applying for jobs and trying to show the work you’ve made, you can send them a link to whatever that thing is, and you know exactly the right people have seen and appreciated it. If it’s worth sharing it’ll get its use in its own ways, in my experience.
I mean, I think in a perfect world that is what Patreon was for. But then it blew up, and why wouldn’t it, since it’s such a strong idea and works so well for creators. But I feel like also those huge creators make it harder for those smaller ones to thrive on that service. Like the notion that has been going around a lot: is Patreon just a small pool of contributors or is it still brining new people to its service? I don’t know, but it seems like there isn’t enough love to go around.
I want smaller creators to be able to thrive on Patreon, and hopefully they find their audiences grow on that service.
Pretty stoked. New show launching, PAX East is going to be huge for us, and I’m reviewing Yakuza 6.
Get ready.
I’ve been seeing them! Folks can check them out here:
youtube
I’d probably take Anna Kendrick, because she seems like she’d be down, and I’m in love with her.
Oh god yes. Feed me your Kingdom Hearts questions.
My favorite world is tricky, but it may be something like The Land of Dragons from KH2. But honestly so many playthroughs later of KH2 I don’t love any of it’s worlds really, save for The World That Never Was. KH1 had really good, big worlds with tons of exploration, but the platforming was so all over the place in that game that getting around them was a bit nightmarish.
Haha I guess I am just jaded on KH worlds after playing through them so much. Space Paranoids.
I don’t love many of the Disney key blades, but I love the Ultima Weapon in KH2, it looks excellent, and I’ve always been a huge fan of Oathkeeper. I love it’s look and what i represents. Of course if you were to ask any of my KH brethren, it’d be Oblivion, hands down, and I like that one quite a bit.
Honestly, Chain of Memories has one of the absolute best stories in that entire franchise. I wish you didn’t have to get through a really poor card game to get to it.
But I love the story of KH2 the most. Especially the ending. Birth by Sleep is a close third of those two though.
World Specific I love the Peter Pan one from KH1, and I really like Hunchback of Notre Dame in KH3D.
I like order of release over chronological order. Honestly I don’t know why it’s such a big argument. I think feeling those games evolve is just such a treat, all the way from the first to 0.2, it’s such a great feeling of how those games changed.
Plus, some things are supposed to be told out of order? Stories have prequels come out in the middle to freshen things for a later context. I always think of Metal Gear Solid 3. Enriches that story so much, but you should play that game first.
Anyway. Yes I need yours. See tweets for details.
I’m really excited about this new show, and I know this may seem like a bit of an unceremonious announcement, but I’ve been stressing about this for so long I just need to get it out there.
Go subscribe to Get Acquainted, and tune in next week for the first official episode!
Cheers! Keep it real!
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2018 Jeep Grand Cherokee Trackhawk First Test Review: Power Mad
There’s a line from Moby-Dick, “In a whaler wonders soon wane.” Cetaceans are awesome creatures, magnificent mammalian consequences of evolution. Awesome, in the older, proper sense of the word. And in a life spent in their pursuit, so filled was it with wonder, the whaler soon grew immune to unsubduable excitement. As much as I try and not let myself get numb to the routine of driving fantastic dream machinery, it happens.
So imagine my surprise when, leaving Motor Trend HQ one afternoon, I floored the Jeep Grand Cherokee Trackhawk and found myself laughing like a fool for 30 seconds straight. Mind you, I only floored the big, red Jeep for about three seconds, but that was enough to make me giggle and guffaw for 10 times as long. I wasn’t in Sport mode or Track mode, and I wasn’t using launch control.
As Jimi Hendrix would term it, I am experienced. Experienced with both powerful and crazy. The AMG 6×6 jumps to mind, as does the Lamborghini Urus, the Lamborghini LM002, the BMW X6 M, and even a good old Unimog. I’ve also driven a number of cars with 700-plus horsepower; heck, I had a Dodge Charger Hellcat for a year. Until recently, however, I’d never driven an SUV with 700-plus horsepower.
Well, live long enough, and you’ll see everything. Including the new Jeep Grand Cherokee Trackhawk, the family SUV with a 707-horsepower 6.2-liter supercharged V-8 under the hood. Crazy? By design. It’s refreshing, both personally and professionally, to get whomped over the head by something as utterly ridiculous as the Trackhawk. But is it any good?
I had been in the Trackhawk’s driver’s seat for maybe a minute and just buried my right foot. To brag a little, I’ve hit 171 mph on the front straight of Big Willow in a Porsche 918 and hit 193 mph on the Bonneville salt in an AMG GT S. I’m used to big machines doing big things. But none of them tickled my funny bone like this $100,960 Jeep. I haven’t laughed about a car like that since … I don’t remember.
What’s it feel like? Well, some of the giggles come from how it launches the opposite of a Hellcat. Perhaps not what you’d expect because the two vehicles sport the same engines, same power, and nearly the same torque (645 versus 650 lb-ft). The thing is, although the Hellcat is both a Pirelli shareholder’s best friend and a smoke machine, the Trackhawk—by virtue of all-wheel drive—puts all that screaming supercharged fury down to the pavement. The big Jeep also lurches back on its haunches in a fun but startling way. For a brief moment, it feels as if the Trackhawk’s beak is pointed at the sun. The adaptive Bilsteins are actually fairly stiff (and would be stiffer still if I’d been in Track mode), but with 70 percent of the power hitting the rear wheels, thanks to a fixed torque split, this Jeep is going to lean back when launching.
How does this thing handle? Another reminiscence if I may. Since I’ve driven the Porsche 918, I inevitably get asked how it is to drive. “Fast,” I say. “It’s just fast.” Meaning, I know that I drove four laps around the big track at Willow Springs, but I literally remember nothing about the 889-hp hybrid hypercar, save for how fast it is. Nada. Same is true for the Trackhawk, only in terms of initial acceleration. I know I took some corners in it, but the bulk of my memory comes from that first launch. It’s just so brutally quick that I know I drove the Jeep aggressively on a curvy road, but I just can’t get past the fury of leaving from a dead stop. Speaking of which …
The Trackhawk hit 60 mph in 3.3 seconds in our testing, beating Jeep’s claimed time of 3.5 seconds. The quickest we’ve ever hit 60 mph in Hellcat testing is 3.7 seconds, for both the Challenger and the Charger (both were eight-speed autos—we’ve never tested a manual). For SUVs, the quickest to 60 mph we tested before the Trackhawk were Tesla Model X (3.2 seconds), the Bentley Bentayga (3.5 seconds), the BMW X6 M (3.7 seconds) and the Mercedes-AMG GLE 63 S Coupe 4Matic (3.9). Lamborghini is claiming 3.7 seconds to 60 mph for the 650-hp Urus, though I think we’ll see 3.4. Discounting the instant-on torque of the Tesla, so far, so good for the Trackhawk.
But right now is as good a time as any to mention one little caveat: We weighed the Trackhawk, and the results aren’t pretty—5,448 pounds. That’s a lot of SUV. That AMG, for instance—which coincidently shares the same underpinnings as the Trackhawk, the last remnants of DaimlerChrysler—weighs nearly 100 pounds less (5,359 pounds). The X6 M comes in at a relatively trim 5,187 pounds. All of which makes the Trackhawk’s acceleration that much more crazy.
To continue that conversation, in the quarter-mile test, the Trackhawk runs 11.7 seconds at 116.2 mph. Did you ever think we’d see the day when a production SUV runs the quarter in the 11s? That’s just crazy! Or should I say ludicrous, as the Model X when in Ludicrous mode also runs an 11.7-second quarter mile. However, the Trackhawk’s trap speed is 0.2 mph higher than the Model X’s, so Jeep beats Tesla in a drag race. What a world. Speaking of 11s, the 600-horsepower Bentayga runs 11.9 seconds at 117.1 mph. Some other fast SUVs for you to consider: the X6 M, but that slowpoke took 12.1 seconds at 114.3 mph. The quickest we’ve ever seen a four-door Hellcat run is 11.8 seconds at 124.3 mph. Meaning the Jeep is quicker, but the extra 900 pounds of lard and AWD hardware slows it down in terms of velocity, hence the 8-mph gap at the end of 1,320 feet. The quickest two-door Hellcat ties the Trackhawk at 11.7 seconds, but its trap is higher still at 125.4 mph. The Challenger Hellcat just happens to weigh 999 pounds less than the Trackhawk. (That’s 666 if you invert—coincidence or conspiracy?) Just to further impress upon you how quick this Jeep is, the Corvette Grand Sport hits 60 mph in 3.9 seconds and runs the quarter mile in 12.2 at 116.1 mph. Moreover, the 650-hp Camaro ZL1 with the 10-speed auto hits 60 mph in 3.5 seconds and runs the quarter mile in 11.5 seconds at 125.0. This Jeep is straight-line legit.
The Trackhawk’s stopping power is neither great nor terrible—108 feet from 60 mph , not supercar distances but impressive given its ample heft. The figure eight is another story. The time itself is solid: 24.7 seconds, which happens to tie the single Challenger Hellcat. We’ve tested three different Charger Hellcats and have seen 24.4, 24.5, and 24.6 seconds. Meaning this big Jeep can hustle. The experience, however, is more of a mixed bag. “I just about put my foot through the floor on the first lap because the stopping power wasn’t what I was expecting from the Brembos and P Zeros,” road test editor Chris Walton said. “Granted, it’s a heavy mutha, and it goes across the middle of the course at 79 mph, but I really had to back up the brake zone by about three Jeep lengths to make the corner of the skidpad.
“Once there, it turns in rather slowly, offers only a little hint of the front tires’ punishment, and eventually settles into terminal understeer,” he continued. “The exit, however, is where the ‘Wheeeeee’ happens. You can literally stand on the loud pedal and do a four-wheel drift until it’s pointing straight. Then it simply goes like stink. Finally, all-wheel drive to make use of all that Hellcat horsepower and torque that can’t be fully utilized in either the Challenger or Charger.”
I completely agree with Chris on that last point. I got bored of having to change tires on our long-term Hellcat. Simply put, the 707-hp barcalounger couldn’t put its prodigious power to the ground. This supercharged super Jeep sure can.
Before the Trackhawk, if you would have told me that one day there will be a $100,000-plus Jeep, I would have assumed it would have been some sort of luxurious, reborn Grand Wagoneer—complete with the off-road chops the fabled brand is known for. I never would have seen a dragstrip bruiser in the cards. Yet here we are. I’m sure we can all agree that there’s no need for a vehicle like this. But boy, are we all happy Jeep gave it the green light. I got no problem with crazy, as long as it’s the good kind of crazy. You know, the kind that makes a supercar saturated car scribe giggle like a todder. Ain’t no wonder waning here.
2018 Jeep Grand Cherokee Trackhawk Supercharged BASE PRICE $86,995 PRICE AS TESTED $100,960 VEHICLE LAYOUT Front-engine, AWD, 5-pass, 4-door SUV ENGINE 6.2L/707-hp/645-lb-ft supercharged OHV 16-valve V-8 TRANSMISSION 8-speed automatic CURB WEIGHT (F/R DIST) 5,448 lb (56/44%) WHEELBASE 114.7 in LENGTH x WIDTH x HEIGHT 189.8 x 76.5 x 67.9 in 0-60 MPH 3.3 sec QUARTER MILE 11.7 sec @ 116.2 mph BRAKING, 60-0 MPH 108 ft LATERAL ACCELERATION 0.90 g (avg) MT FIGURE EIGHT 24.7 sec @ 0.79 g (avg) EPA CITY/HWY/COMB FUEL ECON 11/17/13 mpg ENERGY CONS, CITY/HWY 306/198 kW-hrs/100 miles CO2 EMISSIONS, COMB 1.48 lb/mile
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