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thepaperpanda · 3 years

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DEATH STRANDING CHRISTMAS

Summary: It's Christmas time and love is in the air. What will happen when everyone will be reunited that day?

Warnings: None

Words: 6637

Authors: Cass & Rouge

A/N: Merry Christmas! Wishing you all the happiness your holiday can hold!

Allured by the peace and quietness and the scent of freshly baked Christmas cake coming from a canteen, you took your lingering gaze off of the enormous Christmas tree adorned with glistening ornaments and glowing fairy lights draped around it that stood in the middle of the huge chamber that was usually serving as a dayroom.

As the evening sky faded away, the pink and orange hues were replaced with dark shades of blue.

The festively designed decorations, illuminated with blinking Christmas lights, vibrant ornaments and brightly colored signs, were lined up along either side of the corridor.

As you entered the canteen, the loud, spirited laughter of people could be heard over the continuous chatter surrounding the vivacious atmosphere; it brought a wide smile to your lips.

It's been a great time without Christmas, and you truly couldn't understand how it was possible that no one has ever tried to bring the magnificent spirit of Christmas back.

This year it'll be different, you told yourself half a month prior when you visited Die-Hardman with a plan for Christmas arrangements.

In the canteen you made sure that everything was going well.

There it was, as clear as the sky on a scorching summer day, that particular aroma, that perfect blend of spicy and sweet - gingerbreads were baked.

Die-Hardman stepped into the canteen as well, he wore his best suit and tie; he looked as festive as if this were a normal family reunion. "Y/N," he nodded at you a little. "As I can see, everything's in place, my sincere congratulations, the truth is I didn't think you'll be able to set all this."

With a grin playing in the corners of your lips you gave the bid back. "Yes, sir, apparently I made everything, with the little help of Sam who, just between us, wasn't a fan of the idea though."

"Little help? I had to bring the whole tree in, you think it was easy?," Sam walked in looking up at the Christmas tree, while holding his BB pod. "Not to mention I had to run to get all of the trinkets you placed on that poor tree. What is it for anyway?"

"Y/N found old records about Christmas. She decided to organize some on her own, for us all," Dead man explained. "I think she did it nicely. Like in some old photos."

"Yeah, sure." Sam muttered. "At least it looks like Lou likes it."

"Of course I did nicely! I did my best!," You claimed happily and Die-Hardman chuckled deeply.

"So... You did all of that for five of us? Kinda excessive if you ask me," Sam said and walked closer to the tree to show colorful light to Lou.

"Not only for five, there will be more. That's what Y/N promised, isn't it Y/N?," Deadman said looking at you.

You nodded and walked to him. He wore a sweatshirt with reindeer dressed in a Christmas hat. "Correct. Also let me tell ya that I love your sweatshirt!"

Die-Hardman led everyone closer to the Christmas tree. "Okay, I hope that rest will join us…” His sentence was cut off by Cliff who appeared out of nowhere.

He was having a red hat with pompom and was dressed like Santa Claus. "Ho-ho-ho! Merry Christmas everyone! Hope I didn't get late! My men, it took them too much time to get dressed properly!," He chuckled and few of his comrades appeared right behind him. This time they weren't having rifles with them but a lot of bags with presents wrapped in colorful paper.

Sam blinked a few times, he turned to you. "How... How did you do that?," He asked quietly.

"We are here finally!," Mama said happily as she and Lockne joined the party. Both sisters dressed in colors perfect for christmas. "Mama couldn't find her glasses," Lockne added.

You hugged them both. "It's so good to see you again!," You claimed and clapped your hands.

Soon, there was a cracking sound and Amelie joined you. As always she wore a red, fitted dress and she was holding a few packages in her hands. She put them under the Christmas tree and gave a smile to Sam. "Merry Christmas, Sam. Merry Christmas to everyone!"

Sam gave a flat smile and nodded. "Merry Christmas, Amelie," he said, turning Lou to all the guests. "Look how many people are here."

Another cracking sound filled the room and Fragile showed up. "Merry Christmas to everyone?"

"It looks like your plan worked out perfectly, Y/N. How did you do that?," Deadman asked. "It's a lot of people in one place."

"I messaged everyone, and if it comes to Amelie, let's just skip this though," you chuckled. "I asked them to come, and I told them that we can't simply give upon our traditions just because Death Stranding is on. They agreed," you replied.

After a few minutes the door to the dayroom slid open and Heartman entered with dancing moves. "Hey, guys! Oh, Mama! Good to see you! Magnificent! Wow! You also have a Christmas tree! And decorations! Hmm, am I correct?! Is this true?! Do I sense gingerbreads?!," He almost sang.

"Someone had too much Christmas, maybe it wasn't a good idea to pull him out of the lab... His heart... Ya know the deal, right?," Sam asked you quietly with a frown.

"Sam grumpy as ever," Fragile said, walking up to the two of you. "This was an amazing idea Y/N. Oh! Sam I have gift for little one."

Sam raised his eyebrow and handed the pod to Fragile. "Hi there, Lou. Merry Christmas," she said before pulling out a little sweater and putting it around the pod. "Oh! Look at this!"

"Lou looks like a little candy! How cute is that!," You clapped hands and walked to Heartman to place a brief kiss to his cheek as a greeting. "Hey there handsome, I'm so glad you've accepted my invitation."

"How could I not?," he chuckled. "For this special occasion I turned the AED off."

"Let's just hope he won't suddenly drop dead during the supper... Or whatever Y/N prepared," Sam said and looked at the pod in Fragile hands.

She only giggled and raised the pod. "Cliff! What do you think? It's cute, right?"

Both Mama and Lockne let out a loud aww sound at the sight of BB wearing the sweater.

"So Y/N. You are the head of this whole thing. What should we do now, the truth is not everyone knows what to do during Christmas," Deadman said, looking around.

Cliff approached Fragile who held Lou and tapped the glass with his finger. "Hey, BB, you're the cutest BB of all time!"

"Okay, guys!," You whistled loudly to get their attention. "First, I want to say something," you announced happily. "I'm so glad to see you all here, in this place. It has a very symbolic meaning to me, we're one, just like our beautiful country will be when Sam will finish connecting all cities to the chiral network," you smiled at them, tugging on the dress you wore. "It means a lot as we all are one. We are one in our mutual experiences, in our closeness and understanding..."

You slipped your glance along everyone in the room. "Merry Christmas! You can have a snack, they're on the table," you nodded in the direction of the table where a lot of dishes were awaiting to be consumed, including huge roasted turkey. "Later, after dinner, we will have a very important encounter with Santa Claus!," You winked at Cliff who nodded slightly.

A loud cracking sound filled the room. "HELLO THERE BRIDGES! Merry fucking Christmas, guys!," Higgs yelled loudly, not bothered by all the looks he got. "Why do you look at me like that? Oh yes, yes, I know. I should bring a gift but I didn't have enough parts to build another nuke," he rolled his eyes, waving his hand around.

You shook your head as Heartman instinctively shielded you with his body. "Who is he?," You asked with curiosity in your tone.

"That's Higgs. The man who blew a few cities out of America's map," Heartman informed you quietly.

Amelie put hands to her hips. "I wasn't aware you're going to be here as well, Higgs," she almost snorted.

Die-Hardman gave the newcomer a mean glance. "Seriously? Even on such a day you need to destroy everything?"

Meantime, your glance was still on the man in the hood.

"Wooooooow, I feel so welcomed here," Higgs said, removing his hood off his head. "I destroy stuff, it's just my thing but I see something else I can destroy."

Higgs suddenly vanished and then appeared right behind you.

"Well, well, well! What do we have here? Thanks, heartboy," he said picking you up to take a look at you. "Ain't ya a beauty that is worth to be taken under the mistletoe?"

Sam facepalmed. "There is no day with break."

You blinked but being taken completely aback by stranger's action, you had to wrap arms around his neck to support yourself. "Uhm, hi there, sir. Can you consider putting me down though? I feel pretty intimidated," you whispered, your eyes fixed on his, and dear Beach, his eyes were so magnetising!

Amelie sighed. "It's Christmas after all, guys. I think we should let him stay. In such a time no one should be alone."

Die-Hardman agreed with the lady in red. "Amelie's right."

Sam blinked. "Seriously? He nuked two cities and planned to nuke the third one. “You can't be serious!"

Higgs giggled, patting your hips. "Being intimidating is my second name, sugar," he pretended to think about your request. "Well I don't know. I love little sweet girls like you, maybe I will take you as my gift."

"To be fair, director, Higgs is a highly dangerous man. He proved this many times," Deadman added.

"I like this guy. He makes me blush," Higgs said and then looked at you. "I think I may have a gift for you, sugar,” he added before giving you a golden mask.

You took it in hand and fitted it to your face. "Gangsta!," You chuckled and ran to the nearest mirror to have a look. "Ha! This is so cool!"

You waited for him to approach you. "My name's Y/N. And you're Higgs, that's what Heartman told me."

Heartman looked after you and blinked. "She's impossible. Jumping like a puppy but this is what happens when a young girl is alone for too long, am I right, Mama?"

Amelie walked to Deadman and put hand on his shoulder. "Trust me. I know what he did but maybe by showing him kindness we'll get more than by following his game."

Die-Hardman cleared his throat. "Okay. Let's take the seats and have a meal. This is a special day, everyone deserves kindness, just like Amelie said."

Cliff took BB from Sam and set it on the chair right next to him. "Can someone pass me the knife? I forgot my army knife and someone has to cut the turkey!"

BB rolled in the pod and giggled waving at Sam.

Mama and her sister frowned looking at Heartman.

"What was that supposed to mean?," Mama asked, offended.

"Yes, what was that supposed to mean?," Lockne repeated after her sister.

Deadman nodded at Amelie's comment. "Maybe you are right."

"Oh! I have a knife, army-man!," Higgs said loudly, presenting his own knife. "I never leave it. Maybe you should learn this too," he chuckled before being pulled away by Fragile.

"You better behave if you want to stay here. Be normal for one single day," she growled and Higgs nodded. "Okay! Okay! Noted! I wouldn't dear to fuck up Y/N's day. I bet she worked her ass off for all of this."

You took your seat at the table, right between Sam and Fragile.

Cliff took the golden knife from Higgs' hands, offering the tall man a suspicious glance. "I hope you're not the guy who's bothering my son and Lou. Otherwise, I'd have to kill you," he informed with a cold grimace in his face which quickly vanished and was replaced by a grin. "Okay! Who wants the chicken?! Hey!," He got up and glanced at his comrades who were trying to sneak to the tree and gifts located under. "Behave! Get back to the table! No turkey, no presents! For fuck's sake, I asked you all to behave! How many times did we train the entire thing?!"

One of the army men quickly got back to the table. "Uhm, few," he admitted and took the helmet off, placing it on the polished floor.

"And what did I say?," Cliff asked while cutting the turkey.

"We get in, we greet living beings, we have a meal, we behave, we get presents and we have a party."

Heartman laughed loudly. "Cliff, I have to say you're having a huge authority among them. What a situation!"

Amelie offered everyone a grin. "Does anyone want some potatoes?"

Higgs sat right next to Sam and gave Cliff an innocent smile.

"Oh no, Mr Sam's dad. I am a good boy, my twin brother bothers Sam. Besides, Sam bothers me too! He keeps destroying my plans! And BTs!," He whimpered dramatically.

Sam only rolled his eyes and moved a little closer to you to get away from the terrorist.

"I’ve seen them before yet they still freak the fuck out of me," he whispered to you, looking at the soldiers.

"I can say the same…," Fragile said quietly

"I am so surprised they are so…," Mama said, thinking about the right word.

"Obedient," Lockne added quickly. “We expected them to be... How to name it?"

"Creatures of chaos," Mama finished.

You smiled at Sam and quickly turned head to face Lockne and Mama. "It's called discipline, right, Mr Unger?"

Cliff offered you a bright grin. "The girl's smart. I like her. If my son wouldn't have this phobia of his, I bet he would take a chance on you."

BB rolled in the pod.

Amelie chuckled and covered her lips with a curled hand. "Actually, Cliff, Sam would be her father if he made an effort..."

Heartman laughed loudly before he stopped his outburst, he also raised his thumb up. "And 20 likes go to Lady Strand! What a beautiful, honest summary!"

Higgs laughed and patted Sam's back. "Well! Ya know guys, some men like younger girls. Honestly I would love to get Y/N in my hands. To pin her down and just…," Higgs didn't finish his sentence because he got smacked on the back of the head by Fragile.

"Behave," she growled after getting back in her seat.

"To be fair, since we got on that topic. I don't think the age difference should be a taboo any longer," Deadman said before digging into his meal. "World is shattered, we should do what we can to make sure humanity doesn't die. Of course while keeping some moral boundaries."

"Do we really have to talk about such stuff now?," Sam groaned, rolling his eyes. "I don't like this topic."

"Oh, why? Because you can't get laid, Sammy boy?," Higgs almost sang, teasing Sam.

Cliff rose from his seat and threw a glance to Higgs who quickly shut his mouth. "That's way better," Cliff said and pretended that he rose only to get the corn salad.

Die-Hardman took his mask off and started eating the turkey that Cliff handled to him. "I need to agree with Deadman. Humanity is on the edge of destruction and extinction..."

"... Thanks to terrorists like Higgs," Heartman added, his eyes fixed on the uninvited guest.

"That's not what I meant... However you're not wrong on this," Die-Hardman agreed. "What I meant is that we should take care of reproduction, to make sure that the human race will survive and will be able to rebuild our world. To make it great again."

You blushed hearing Higgs' words about him liking younger girls, so to hide it you grabbed the glass and drank the wine that was poured by Mama.

Amelie nodded as she was cutting her piece of turkey into little slices. "We all are sober yet the topics are getting interesting already. I'm curious what will be next."

BB swam a little and moved closer to Sam.

"Oh, BB, granddaddy is here too, look, look," Clifford waved hand to get Lou's attention and then he put the Santa Claus hat on, playing with the pompon. "Look, little one! Granddad is Santa Claus!"

"To be fair, Y/N and Sam would look cute together. Imagine the cute kids they would have!" Mama said excited and Lockne nodded eagerly. "I want to be an aunt!"

Fragile noticed your red face and smiled gently rubbing your shoulder. "It's okay Y/N. Family is like this. They will talk and then they will stop."

Higgs frowned looking at Heartman. "Hey! Heart boy! I don't see the world getting better thanks to science boys like you," he growled resting his elbow on Sam's shoulder.

Sam quickly pushed it off his shoulder with an annoyed sound.

Higgs rolled his eyes before digging into his food. "Oh, fucking shit! This shit is good! Fucking better than a pizza! Oh! By the way, Sam! Lately you started to bring it cold. I don't like it."

Sam let out a loud sigh. "Then start to move your ass. You can jump and grab it yourself."

"Naaah! Making you visit me is more fun!," Higgs giggled.

You were covered in a blush after Mama and Lockne's words. You tugged on Sam's sleeve. "I swear, this is my first and last Christmas Eve ever."

You also giggled hearing complaints made by Higgs.

Heartman got up to get another piece of mashed potatoes. "To your information, Higgs, we build, not destroy, and that's the difference you'll never understand, you little devil's spawn."

Clifford clapped his hands. "Come on, guys, eat, eat or we won't get to presents this year!"

Die-Hardman smiled at his friend. "It's good to see you among us, Clifford."

Unger grinned and turned head to you. "Hey, Y/N, what drinks do we have except wine? I don't say it's bad but as for a real man, like me or my son, we could have something stronger. Cognac or whiskey."

Heartman chuckled. "You can always get Monster with vodka. Pretty dangerous mix but tasty. Tried a few times."

Sam chuckled at your comment. "At least next year I will have less work to do," he joked.

"Now I know why your heart is so fucked up. Since you drink such a mixes," Higgs commented before licking his plate completely clean. "I ask for more!"

Lockne, Mama and Fragile followed Cliff's order and started to eat as well.

"Well... For me some beer is enough," Sam said checking on Lou.

"I'll go get the drinks," you offered and politely excused yourself before getting off the table.

Heartman quickly got up too. "I'll help Y/N."

Amelie offered mashed potatoes to Higgs. "You're pretty hungry, aren't you?"

"Hell fucking yeah I am! Sitting in the bunker or camp and eating cold pizza ain't easy, sweetheart," Highs nodded and started to eat as soon as he got more food on his plate.

"Such a diet isn't good. You should eat more healthy stuff," Deadman said.

Higgs only shrugged, being too busy with his food.

Fragile sighed and shook her head. "No manners. You should spend some time with Clif to learn something, Higgs."

"Oh, I'd gladly train you, young man," Clifford said. "With me above you, you'd be running smoothly."

"I'm sorry, I know that thing I'll say is totally wrong but I imagined some other things, Clifford. With Monaghan beneath... Oh, dear God, forgive me for I have sinned," Heartman added before he left the room with you.

Die-Hardman spat himself with the wine he was drinking.

BB started chuckling.

Amelie blinked and facepalmed. "Maybe extinction is not a bad idea?"

Meantime, you and Heartman were in the pantry, collecting bottles of alcohol and cans of Monster and beer.

"I think that this little party is great, Y/N," Heartman stated. "Thank you for this opportunity of having some substitute for normal life, it's been a while since I felt truly happy," his voice broke a little, so you put the bottle of Jack Daniels and simply gave him a bear hug.

Sam choked on his food.

Mama and Lockne laughed loudly. "Not to offend anyone, that would be something nice to watch," Lockne said with a giggle.

Higgs hummed. "Sorry, ladies! I am more of a top but if any of you are interested, I am single as a pringle and ready to mingle. Just I am not into man, sorry, Mr Sam's papa."

Sam blinked, taking in what just happened and after a moment he groaned. It was a bit too much for him.

Soon, you and Heartman returned. You walked to Cliff and handed him a bottle of whiskey.

Heartman poured some vodka to everyone who wanted and handled Sam a can of beer.

"So, Y/N, are you enjoying the fest you threw?," Amelie asked with her soft glance on you.

"Yes, I do, even if I cringe from time to time, I think it's cute to have you all in one place."

You then turned to Fragile. "Hey, do you know something more about that Higgs guy who got here on blackballed? I need to think about something for him. I prepared gifts for everyone but him. I didn't expect anyone else to join," you whispered leaning to the woman.

Die-Hardman looked at Mama. "How is your research? Did you fix Sam's qupid?"

Mama nodded. "We did actually. Everything should be more than good once he is out again."

"It wasn't a hard fix. Just a few updates and it's working perfectly again," Lockne said before taking a sip of her wine.

"Uuuu! Smart ladies! I like it!," Higgs nudged Sam with elbow. "I need to get to know them. Twins are like two in one deal!"

"I am not doing that," Sam muttered with a frown.

Fragile looked at you. "Oh trust me, I know him a bit too much. He shouldn't get a gift for being a bad person," Fragile stated quietly.

"Yeah, I understand, but it will be in a bad tone to not gift one person... Ok, I'll think of something."

An hour passed on many talks, the atmosphere was filled with laughter.

"Dears, did anyone see Cliff?," Die-Hardman asked as he spotted his friend was missing.

You also vanished from the room.

BB was already sleeping and Amelie was sitting with Heartman, chatting like there was no tomorrow.

"I think Y/N took him to the other room," Sam said, looking at sleeping Lou.

"Maybe she decided to extend the human kind with him!," Higgs said quickly. "Since his son didn't want her, daddy decided to try it. I can't blame her," he shrugged.

"Just shut your mouth, Higgs," Sam growled.

Higgs giggled and continued to drink his beer.

"Hey, wait a minute, Lockne and Mama are gone, too," Heartman said as he was pulled from deep conversation with Amelie.

"Foursome?," Higgs purred while Sam facepalmed together with Fragile.

"Y/N probably planned something special. She prepared Christmas in smaller details," Deadman nodded his head a little. "The food was great."

"That's true!," Sam added.

Suddenly, the music came out of speakers.

Last Christmas I gave you my heart

But the very next day you gave it away

This year, to save me from tears

I'll give it to someone special

"HO-HO-HO!," The main door slid open and Clifford dressed as Santa Claus entered the room. He was having a huge bag thrown over his shoulder, his hat with pompom was tilted slightly.

His four comrades were having reindeer hats on.

You, Lockne and Mama entered the room right behind him, all three of you dressed in white, short dresses with wings made of silky material and snowflake patterns on your dresses, rocking to the music.

"Come here, children! I hope you all were good for the last year, ho-ho-ho!," Clifford took a seat in a huge armchair you borrowed from Die-Hardman. "It's time for presents!"

"So maybe Lou first, he is the youngest one, huh? What do you say?," Sam said softly, tapping on the glass gently to wake up the BB.

"I can go a second round! I am the most important bad guy here," Higgs said full of pride.

"Today my little, beautiful helpers will set the order, ho-ho-ho!," Clifford laughed deeply.

In the tact of music, Mama danced toward Sam and picked the pod with Lou from him.

"So, young gentleman, I know you've been a good, little bean, so I need to get inside my bag of presents to get yours! Aha! I have it!," Clifford pulled a new pod out, with the ribbon wrapped around it. "More space for dance, huh?"

Meantime, the song ended and the next one was on.

I sing this song

To pass the time away

Driving in my car

Driving home for Christmas

"Deadman for sure will move you into it as soon as possible. You should like it," Mama said with a smile.

"And Now back to papa," Lockne took BB and his gift to bring them back to Sam.

"Me now!," Higgs got up from his place and sat on Cliff's laps.

"So! Mr Santa-Sam's dad, what do you have for me, huh?," He smiled. "I was the best fucking boy the whole year!"

Cliff gently nudged Higgs' side to make him get off his lap. Clifford rubbed his long, white, fake beard. "We all know you've been the baddest but thankfully the beautiful lady over there," he pointed at you, "decided that you also deserved the gift. Let me find it in my bag of miracles."

Clifford reached into his bag and pulled the nicely wrapped box, he handled it to Monaghan. "Merry fucking Christmas, asshole."

It was nothing but a book about Egyptian mythology and a handmade cloak that was originally meant to be for Heartman.

"Thank you fucking much!," Higgs said excited and quickly returned to his seat to look at the stuff he got. He already loved them.

"So? Who's next... Maybe our Director." Mama said and walked to Die-hardman. "C'mon. Everyone gets something today."

Die-Hardman chuckled but let the lady scientist lead him to Clifford.

"And you!," Fake Santa Claus said, "You've been good, too. Here's your gift, merry Christmas!"

Die-Hardman was gifted with the themed tie with reindeers and with a polishing paste.

"It's for your mask, so it will always look classy," you smiled at him and as he returned to his seat, you walked to Heartman and grabbed him by palm.

"Ho-ho-ho! Merry Christmas, Heartman!," Clifford grinned widely and gave the man a heart-shaped box, in which Heartman found a pair of gloves with heart motiv on each and a CD with classical music.

"Thank you, Y/N," he smiled brightly at you and kissed your cheek. "It's the best gift."

Sam looked at Fragile. "Go on. I am sure Santa also got something for you."

Woman nodded and got up from her seat to walk closer to Santa. "Well, I was a good girl. I think at least. I tried," Fragile said slowly.

"Dear Fragile, and your gift is in my bag, that's for sure! Just be patient as the old man will find it!," Clifford chuckled and soon gifted the woman with a new umbrella with Fragile logo.

Then it was time for Deadman who got new glasses.

Amelie was gifted with a golden necklace that fit her dress perfectly.

Lockne and Mama also got the present, it was a little blanket with an admixture of chiral matter. "This will help your sweet daughter to sleep in a cradle, she won't be drifting up under the ceiling," you smiled at them. "It was my project with Heartman's execution," you explained.

Clifford got new night-vision goggles.

In the end, Sam was gifted with a new suit.

Everyone was enjoying their gifts, talking about them and enjoying whatever time left.

"Y/N?," Sam looked at you. "What with your gift? Everyone got something and you?," He frowned.

"Yeah! Exactly! Where is the gift for our beautiful host?," Higgs looked at you over Sam's shoulder, he was already wearing the new cape.

"My gift is everywhere. It's the atmosphere you all created and this is more than I could dream about. My heart's beating faster when I see you enjoy the meals, the gifts," you smiled at Sam and Higgs.

Higgs sighed placing his chin on Sam's shoulder. "Isn't she adorable! But it's not fair. You did so much."

"I hate to say that but Higgs is right," Sam sighed.

"I need to agree with both of them. You did so much, in such a short time. You gathered all of us here," Deadman added. "Who else agree?"

All you could do was to smile at everyone. "I mean it, guys. I don't need gifts. You all are the greatest gift to me."

Heartman walked to you from behind. "We kinda predicted you will think of everyone but yourself. So here's the gift from us," he handed you a box.

Unwrapping it with shaking hands, you felt the heart racing in your chest. In the box you found a notebook in a leather cover and a few pencils.

"We've heard you like to draw," Die-Hardman smiled.

"Guys... Thank you! So much!!," You cried quietly while hugging the gift to your chest.

"We are in this together, Y/N. If everyone gets a gift it means you get one too," Sam shrugged Higgs off earning a groan from Monaghan.

Party continued.

People talked and laughed, simply enjoyed the company, while finishing whatever food left.

Die-Hardman was having so much fun that now he was dancing with Lockne to one of the christmas songs.

Higgs was sitting in his seat looking through the book you gave him. It's not like he had people to interact with here.

You definitely had too many drinks. After almost half an hour of dancing with Heartman, you had to rest at the table. You flopped on the first free seat which was the place next to America's most wanted terrorist. You clicked your high heels off and groaned. "How much I hate these shoes!," You muttered while stretching like a cat.

"Why did you put them on? If they are uncomfortable just never wear them again," Higgs shrugged. "End of the problem."

You blinked at the comment and chuckled. "Fair point though. You'll never understand this though as you're the man and I'm the woman. Our brains are different," you hiccuped.

"I know when to stop drinking. You'll never understand this though as you're the woman and I am the man. Our brains are different," He giggled, teasing you.

You laughed at his comment; this man was about to be a death of yours.

You got up from your chair and reached out to him. "Hey, vamos a bailar!," You asked him with a little smile dancing in the corners of your mouth. "Pretty please?"

"No idea what you’ve just said but yea, sure, I agree on anything, sugar," Higgs said, returning a smile. "Lead the way."

You grabbed his palm firmly, without hesitation, and led him right into the dancefloor which was just the free space on the floor, next to the Christmas tree.

Heartman followed you with a frown. "I don't like it," he whispered to Fragile.

You climbed on your tiptoes to wrap your arms around a man's neck, both to get a bit intimidated and to support yourself from falling.

Fragile looked at you and Higgs, she shrugged.

"Since we have Death Stranding free day, let them enjoy it. After it's over, they will be mortal enemies again," she said and smiled. "Why? Are you jealous?"

Higgs chuckled. "Holy me, you are so small when I keep you close! I fucking love it."

Heartman blushed a little, rolled his eyes and lowered his thumb, taking 5 likes from Fragile before he moved aways with dancing moves, to join Mama.

You chuckled nervously at Higgs comment. "Thanks, I take it as a compliment," you simply rested your forehead against his chest.

She only laughed and nodded. "Thank you for confirming this, Heartman!," Fragile said a bit louder.

Higgs wrapped arms around your waist and nodded. "Oh yes, you indeed should take it as a compliment. Maybe I really should kidnap you as my christmas gift."

You giggled at his words while rocking into the rhythm of the music with him. "Maybe," you teased. "But I think that Sam and his dad would twist your neck after."

You suddenly raised a head to look at him, and you noticed a mistletoe above his head.

Higgs thought, looking at both men before his gaze returned to you. "Hmm... I honestly think it would be worth it," he noticed that you looked up and followed you. "Oh, fucking finally!,” Higgs said excited and pressed his lips against yours in a messy kiss.

You blinked when his lips crushed on yours but soon closed your eyes and enjoyed the kiss. You take the attempt to dominate him in the kiss but you fail so finally you give up your tries and simply wrap your arms around his neck.

Higgs pulled way after a moment and winked at you.

He reached up to take a small part of the mistletoe and then sneaked to Sam.

"Oh! Sammy boy!," Higgs sang.

Sam sighed deeply and turned to look at him. "What?," He frowned, seeing the mistletoe. "You kidding?"

Higgs gave him a wide smile and suddenly licked Sam's nose, making the other man froze.

Like nothing ever happened Higgs returned to you.

You started laughing hysterically which resulted in you losing the balance and almost falling on the floor, thankfully Higgs was faster and caught you in his arms.

Clifford spat all the whiskey he was about to swallow on Die-Hardman's shirt.

Heartman turned head around to see what happened but he lost his balance and fell on Lockne who spilled her wine right onto the electronic device on his chest.

Heartman's AED turned on and kicked him with an electric glitch, causing him to die on the spot.

"Higgs, you killed Heartman!," Amelie screamed.

"Nooot first and not the last death!" Higgs said with a shrug before kissing your lips quickly. "It's getting late and I have nukes to build! See you maybe next year!" He winked at you before vanishing.

As you lost Higgs as your frame, you fell right onto the floor and rolled on your back, still laughing.

"Or maybe not! It can wait!," Higgs said after returning. "Besides I didn't take my gifts."

"You really need to turn everything upside down?," Sam sighed, shaking his head.

"That's my job!," Higgs shrugged. "Who wants a drink?!"

You raised your hand up, still laying on the floor. You discovered it was a pretty comfortable place to rest. Or maybe you were just too drunk?

After 3 minutes another electric shock made Heartman's heart work properly again, and the man woke up, sitting on the floor. "What the fuck!"

Clifford was helping Die-Hardman to clean his shirt. "Monaghan! Stop being a douche-bag to everyone! If you won't listen, I'll have to shoot you," he warned, almost growling.

Amelie helped Heartman back on his feet. "You okay?"

"Yes, it's fine."

BB started crying.

Higgs quickly helped you up and smiled. "Oh, c'mon, Clifford! Everyone is well and alive. Even the heart boi. Practically, I did nothing wrong," he shrugged.

Sam let out a deep sigh. "It's Higgs after all. What else we can expect."

Higgs agreed with Sam, hugging you tightly.

You felt squeezed by his arms. "Can't... Breathe...," you whispered quietly hoping for him to lose his grasp.

Heartman smoothened his suit. "I almost forgot! I borrowed a camera from my friend's geologist. I want to take a picture of our pack, except you," he pointed his index finger at Higgs.

"Heartman, let him. He spent the entire evening with us, one photo won't affect anyone," Amelie nudged the man's chest.

"I fucking love photos!," Higgs jumped happily. "The host should have the honor of setting us for a photo!," He said excitedly.

You smiled at Higgs and squeezed his palm that you were still holding. "Okay, fellas. Clifford and Mama, you two go on left. Yes, just like that. Amelie, you with Fragile and Sam can take a seat on the couch."

"Sam, maybe you can be in the middle?," Amelie smiled at her stepbrother.

You pecked your lips as you were thinking. "Okay, Die-Hardman, would you be so kind to take a seat here, on the pouffe? Yes, just like that, thank you. Deadman, you can take our lovely Lou and stand next to the pouffe a little. Hmmm, and Heartman, my lovely friend, you can stand behind Die-Hardman. That's it! Perfect! Lockne, can you stand right next to your sister?"

Sam wasn't too happy he wasn't holding Lou but nodding he followed your little orders.

Mama and Lockne stood exactly where you wanted them, just like a Deadman.

"I see a perfect place for myself!," Higgs claimed excitedly and lied down on the floor. He turned on his side and propped up his head on a hand. "Perfect!"

You facepalmed a little but chuckled at the villain's idea. "Actually, you fit there perfectly, Higgs!"

You quickly set the camera on the shelf and made sure to turn the timer on, then you quickly ran to take a seat next to the Die-Hardman.

The flash lit the room and the picture was taken.

"Cool! Can I get one? I will have a nice souvenir from that nice day," Higgs asked from the floor. "I had so much fun!"

"Yes, of course you can!," You smiled at him and ran to the camera to set it again to take a second pic.

When the dawn was about to knock at the door, and when almost everyone was sleeping in weird positions where they could, you led Higgs to the exit. "I never thought I'd have so much fun with them all. And, though I didn't expect you, I'm grateful you came," you smiled at him and handled him his gifts to make sure he won't forget to take them along. "I put the picture into the book."

Higgs nodded, taking the book.

"Yeah, It was fucking fun. I enjoyed it," He sighed, looking at the gift from you. "Too bad that as soon as I leave we'll become a mortal enemies again,"

"Maybe you'll but not to me," assuring him, you grabbed his palm and squeezed it lightly. "No matter what you'd do, you gained a friend," you smiled.

Higgs took your palm and kissed the top of it. "Thank you, sugar. I will remember that."

"Take care of yourself as we need to meet next year for another Christmas party," you chuckled softly and blushed a bit at his sudden gesture.

Then, like he was one of the good guys, you wrapped your arms around his waist and hugged him. "Please, stay safe and see you in a year. Remember, you have to pop up! No excuse as it won't feel like Christmas without you."

Higgs hugged you, being totally confused but he nodded with a soft chuckle.

"Okay, I will try my best. See you in a year," He slowly pulled away and winked at you before vanishing.

You smiled to yourself while observing the flipped rainbow on the sky and hearing the thunder.

Despite your efforts, the Death Stranding still was on.

#sam porter bridges #higgs monaghan #clifford unger #heartman #mama #lockne #die-hardman #deadman #amelie strand #sam porter bridges x reader #heartman x reader #higgs monaghan x reader #death stranding #higgs monaghan fic #sam porter bridges fic

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samanthasroberts · 6 years

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5 Weird Questions With Surprisingly Interesting Answers

Ever had a weird, dumb question pop into your head for no reason? You know there’s an answer out there somewhere, but it’s not so important that you have to drop what you’re doing and research it right goddamn now. Well, I’m one of those weirdos who has to have these questions answered right goddamn now, or they will gnaw at my brain until it catches on fire from eat-friction. Unfortunately, I get those all the time. Fortunately, I can at least weave them into my career and educate the world in a way they never asked for in the process. For example …

Why Is The McFlurry Machine Always Broken?

A little over half of my attempts to get a McFlurry have been denied. If the McDonald’s employee had squeezed my love handles and made pig sounds, then this wouldn’t be such a mystery. But instead they give an explanation that perfectly tows the line between useless and substantive, forcing me to give up and screech away from the drive-thru in a huff. They say the McFlurry machine is “down.” The damn thing breaks more often than a former child actor with a heroin addiction. I guess McFlurry machines are planks of balsa wood barely held together by the faint hope of being able to actually dispense a McFlurry one day. They’re piles of substandard materials and glue and dreams.

Turns out McFlurry machines aren’t so much poorly built hunks of shit as they are filthy, disgusting vats of bacteria which require daily cleanings so vigorous and time-consuming that it probably isn’t even worth keeping them on the menu. We should’ve known that coming into this, though. Of course the machine that distributes the tastiest things in the world would be literal swamps.

Every day, the machines have to go through a four-hour heat-cleaning cycle that’s broken down into 11 parts. The process involves, among many other steps, “combining a sanitizing mix with warm water, removing and rinsing seven parts, brushing clean two fixed parts for 60 seconds and wiping down the machine with a sanitized towel.” When your entire business is based around “We get you your food before you’re even done saying your order,” this is definitely a McFlurry wrench in the Value Meal gears.

They have to strip the entire machine down to its atoms, scrub each nucleus with a fine sasquatch-hair brush, then jigsaw puzzle that shit back together like a soldier reassembling a rifle to rebuild a device nearly as deadly. The cleaning process is usually triggered during off-peak hours, or whenever the drive-thru employee sees me pull in.

But none of this is to say that McFlurry machines aren’t poorly built hunks of shit, because they are. One McDonald’s franchise consultant conducted a study which showed that there’s a 25 percent chance that if a McDonald’s isn’t serving ice cream or ice-cream-related menu items, it’s because the machines just stopped working like they’re also getting paid minimum wage.

There is some good news: McDonald’s has heard the complaints, and they’re finally going to replace the old, busted-ass McFlurry machines with ones that don’t come with self-destruct buttons.

Can Insects Get Fat?

I’ve seen mosquitoes get fat off my blood and then had it turn into a crime scene when my delicious juices exploded everywhere with a smack. I can see their asses get plump with every gulp. But that’s not the mosquito technically getting “fat” — it’s the equivalent of having a distended belly after a big meal. But are there flies out there having trouble dragging their saggy bug tits and double chins around after munching on discarded pastries? Are there ants feeling shame as they look at their expanding thorax in the mirror after eating a dropped French fry? Where are the fat insects? Can they even get fat?

Depends on the insect.

Diamondback moth caterpillars can alter their metabolism over generations to adjust to high-carb diets, turning their bodies into fat-burning furnaces. If a dragonfly is infected with a certain type of parasite, it’ll start storing more fat around the muscles they use to fly. Struggling to fly means they can’t defend themselves using their deadly “bumping enemies with their eyes” attack. Researchers also found that fat male dragonflies have less dragonfly sex, just in case you were super-duper curious about that.

And I was wrong, mosquitoes can get fat. They suck blood when they need protein to produce eggs. They normally eat plant nectar. One scientist / bored suburban nine-year-old hand-fed mosquitoes ’til half their dry weight was made up of fat. And then he made them dance.

The weight gain on some insects is hidden by their tough chitin exoskeletons. The fatter they get, the more their insides squeeze up against their own outsides. Imagine you get so fat that your pants don’t fit anymore, but you can’t take them off. You’re forever stuck feeling like the Hulk’s ten-foot-around thighs squeezed into Bruce Banners’ size-32 jeans.

Do The Blind Need Ad Blockers?

At first, you’d think that blind people wouldn’t use ad blockers, because they don’t see the ads in the first place. But it turns out they have the exact opposite problem. If you saw the rough drafts of my columns, you could tell which ones I’ve run through text-to-speech software by counting the lack of egregious grammatical errors. Hearing my writing out loud lets me catch those errors, because if I just try to proofread them, I become word-blind. Sometimes I’ll copy the text off the preview page set up to look exactly like the text on the page you’re reading now, ads and all. I’ll inelegantly CRTL+A the whole thing and have the software read all the whales and seals that get caught in the fishing net of my highlight. So in the middle of my own writing, I’ll hear about “17 Actors You Didn’t Know Were Loaves of Wheat Bread — #8 Will Get A Rise Out of You” or “She Had No Idea Why Men Kept Cheering Her On (Her Vagina Was Out).”

What isn’t that big a deal for me must be a nightmare for the blind. Text-to-speech programs are one of the tools blind people use to peruse the internet. But what happens when there’s an ad? Does the program indiscriminately read everything, ads included? Can it distinguish between an ad and article text? Nope. They read everything. Here’s a video of a vision-impaired woman demoing a screen reader program called JAWS:

Not everyone with a vision impairment likes the reader’s voice to be speaking in tongues while dancing with venomous snakes. But even at normal speeds, reading The New York Times can be a pain in the ass:

Auto-playing videos are also a problem. You try listing to one voice at Formula One speeds and have a loud video cut in without shitting your pants. Sighted people can ignore the text of an ad, to the point where it might as well not even be there at all. But the visually impaired have to sit through it all, even random web trash like “Sign Up / Log in” and “Join Our Mailing List.”

So it makes sense that the guy who created AdBlock has blind people thanking him for making their internet surfing experience less cacophonous.

Why Are Donut Boxes In Movies Always Pink?

I’m always disappointed that I haven’t eaten donuts out of a bright pink box like in every movie and show that I’ve ever seen a box of donuts in. I just assumed the box was a generic Hollywood prop that was used all the time, like those fake newspapers or bottles of Heisler Beer, the favorite beer of every TV character. Some stingy producer who blew the last of his production expenses on a tall nonfat latte with a caramel drizzle enema didn’t want to pay Dunkin’ Donuts the licensing fee to show their logo on an empty box of donuts. He used a pink box once, it did its job of portraying the role of a tough-as-nails but big-hearted donut box, and every producer in history followed suit.

GaryAlvis/iStock

Pink donut boxes are a regional trend in Southern California, the birth canal from which most movies and shows slide, and they wouldn’t exist if not for the Khmer Rouge, the regime responsible for orchestrating the Cambodian genocide in the mid-1970s. Oh. Oh my. I thought it was just going to be a “They showed up once in Godfather Part II and people just liked how they looked” kind of thing. That is … umm … oh my.

When the Khmer Rouge was exterminating everyone in sight, Cambodians hauled ass out of there. Many made Los Angeles their new home, where they opened donut shops, of all things. One of them was named Ted Ngoy. He was an immigrant, an astoundingly good businessman, and a gambling addict who lost a bunch of his donut stores in bad bets. And holy shit, did he own a lot of donut shops. He had shops all over Los Angeles County, each staffed with fellow Cambodian immigrants.

Before Ted, donuts in LA came in standard white, no-frills boxes. When he decided to save some money without getting skimping on ingredients, he asked his supplier, Westco, if they had cheaper boxes. They had a bunch of cheap pink card stock lying around that could perfectly house a dozen donuts. Word of how cheap the bright pink boxes were quickly spread from one Cambodian-owned donut shop to another throughout LA, and then into Texas and Arizona.

So whenever a film production needed their characters to be from New York but they’re filming in LA, to hold a box of donuts, Prop Masters would hand actors the bright pink boxes Ted popularized, not realizing New Yorkers don’t eat donuts from pink boxes. They have to wrestle them away from big rats off of taxi cab floors, because everything’s tougher in New Yaw’k.

How Do Movies And Shows Get Newborn Babies For Delivery Scenes?

There’s a very specific shriveled and red newborn baby look. Wailing infant chic, if you will. When a woman in a movie gives birth and the kid doesn’t look like a dried chili, you know it’s a one-month-old unconvincingly playing a one-second-old. But how does getting a newborn on screen even happen? What parents are going directly from the hospital to set? “I know that we just had this thing, like, 30 minutes ago, but could someone make it a star real quick?”

Putting newborns in entertainment is surreal. The baby has to be no younger than 15 days old to be in a movie. That’s when doctors say babies have developed enough to not be floppy lumps of flesh that can fall apart at any second. If that authentic newborn look is absolutely required, they’ll use twins or triplets, which aren’t just useful because child labor laws in Californian only allow a baby onset for four hours and to only work for 20 minutes at a time. Twins and triplets are often born premature, which keeps them looking like newborns even after the 15-day barrier. Filming with premature babies is illegal in California, but it’s cool in 18 other states.

Parents, I know you’ve just experienced the trauma of wondering if your babes will survive their stint in incubators, but if by the grace of God they survive, they can be movie stars before their fontanelles fully harden. Ka-ching. That’s the sound of your preemie payday.

In the movie Knocked Up, they wanted to film a real woman giving birth to a real baby during the delivery scene, but legally couldn’t for the best reason for anything I’ve ever heard: Since the baby would be in the process of being born at the time of filming, it wouldn’t be a member of the Screen Actors Guild. People can’t get their SAG cards in utero. Not to mention it violates the “must be at least 15 days old” rule.

And then there’s the matter of all that vaginal slime newborns are coated in during birthing scenes, which I’m sure has a more delicate, technical name, but “vaginal slime” is more colorful, so I’m going with that. I imagined it would be a special goop whipped up by visual effects masters in a fit of creative inspiration, like chefs in a kitchen going with the flow to create an exemplary new dish. It’s not. Vaginal slime is sometimes a combination of grape jelly and cream cheese. Instead of going to makeup, they hand the baby over to the craft services people so that they can prepare the baby like a bagel.

Luis is hard at work getting his preemie casting agency off the ground. In the meantime, you can find him on Twitter, Tumblr, and Facebook.

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Source: http://allofbeer.com/5-weird-questions-with-surprisingly-interesting-answers/

from All of Beer https://allofbeer.wordpress.com/2018/04/24/5-weird-questions-with-surprisingly-interesting-answers/

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