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gizkasparadise · 4 years

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wow trying to edit that post was a nightmare. sorry yall.

anonymous asked how bad “goodbye my princess” was.

vague badness: enemy lovers that actually have consequences, betrayal/lying, jealousy, murder, suicide, dead family members dead family members everywhere, depression, the male love interest going a lil Unhinged, main character deaths (plural)

detailed spoilers (and legit, SPOILERS) under the cut

so you have to embrace that the male lead/chengyin is an absolute piece of shit. like he’s terrible. and he’s compelling. but he makes so many bad choices in pursuit of power / the throne of the li empire. so so many. now, he loves xiaofeng and it’s legit, but that ultimately brings more pain to her than if he didn’t.

Fucked Up Shit Chengyin Does: A Love (?) Story

-within the first 10 episodes, he + his soldiers have almost completely wiped out xiaofeng’s family + the danchi as a whole. her cousins die. her friends die. tangentially, her mother dies and her father goes insane. chengyin even beheads her beloved grandfather in front of her (he didn’t know she was there. but lmao. still.)

-did i mention that was on their wedding day? it was on their wedding day. said grandfather even gave her away. he went ahead with marrying xiaofeng even though he had no intention of abandoning his mission and thought idk love would fix it? chengyin what what what are you doing

-it’s unclear whether or not chengyin was going to tell her he was the double agent/the reason the li empire was able to wipe out the danchi, but there’s this like Significant pause between when xiaofeng wakes up from traumatically fainting after the danchi are defeated to her recognizing the li empire armor in his quarters where he doesn’t say anything and it is Sketch. definitely the implication that if he could he would hide his role in the defeat of the danchi from her and just Carry On as a Happily Married Couple

-she’s rightfully horrified by him when she makes the connection between him and the armor in his tent and tries to stab him, so he stabs himself harder which isnt awful but just fucked up like this is not a good relationship

-when gu jian (xiaofeng’s teacher/first love) comes to take her out of the li military camp, chengyin stops him and demands that he lets xiaofeng go because, quote, “They’re not over yet.” bro you just massacred damn near her entire family i think that’s a dealbreaker (to his credit he does let her leave but lmao it’s v clear he didn’t want to)

-there’s a semi-time skip and Plot Related Amnesia, so he and xiaofeng don’t remember their traumatic history, and both end up in the li empire b/c of xiaofeng’s marriage contract to one of their princes. one would think without the danchi backstory maybe they could have a better time. they don’t.

-chengyin falls for xiaofeng again, but he knows the politics of court are Fucked Up and if he shows he cares about her they’ll target her. so he makes a girl who’s been in love with him since childhood (se se) his concubine and fake!dotes on her to have all the political schemes fall on her instead of xiaofeng. basically, he exploits the poor girl’s feelings to make her a meat shield. i think he calls her expendable at one point. on the flip side of things, he treats xiaofeng like absolute shit sometimes in order to protect her. which works, but gd what an asshole

-although their memories are gone, chengyin knows basic things about the events in western liang that others in the palace have told him: that he defeated the danchi and killed xiaofeng’s grandfather are among them. he doesn’t tell xiaofeng this, even when they’re officially engaged. she finds out on her own right before the wedding and confronts him. he’s essentially like Look I Didn’t Want You To Know and when that doesn’t do well he’s like Think of The Country and also I Love You and gets general pei to later take her to the memorial he built for her grandfather, complete with his armor set. which is kind of sweet but also kind of imperialist museum? and also he was the one that killed him??

-super jealous. when there’s rumors that general pei and xiaofeng are having an affair (they’re not), he maneuvers to publicly strong-arm pei into a marriage with his sister (aka an imperial princess aka a marriage he can’t turn down). it turned out alright, but the Motives were definitely not alright--emphasized by the stone cold stare down he gives xiaofeng after the announcement (she’s oblivious to it, because she’s not in love with pei, but chengyin doesn’t know that). part of it is a political maneuver, but it’s also p clear that it’s personal

-a doozy. so gu jian, chengyin’s cousin and accomplice in the Take Down the Danchi Fuckery, is in love with xiaofeng. he was also xiaofeng’s first love, but she doesn’t remember him because #amnesia. throughout the second half of the show, gu jian’s been working as sort of a guardian for xiaofeng as she lives in the palace and trying to make amends for his part in the danchi massacre/trying to assuage his guilty conscience. at one point, he decides enough’s enough and he kidnaps xiaofeng in order to get her free from the palace. during this time, chengyin’s absolutely losing his shit because his beloved wife is gone and he knows gu jian’s the one that took her / has his suspicions about gu jian’s feelings for her.

while gu jian and xiaofeng are on the run, xiaofeng starts to get bits and pieces of her memory back--all of them surround a man named “xiaowu” aka chengyin’s alter-ego when they were together in west liang. because he’s a shit, gu jian says he’s xiaowu, and as a result xiaofeng believes he’s the one she used to be in love with. Complicated. even more complicated when, fleeing chengyin and palace soldiers, xiaofeng hits her head and COMPLETELY remembers everything.

needless to say, she doesn’t want to be around chengyin anymore. it’s super sad and fucked up, because while xiaofeng remembers everything, chengyin doesn’t. so here’s what chengyin knows:

-his wife was open and warm and they were in love even if he couldn’t always show it because #Intrigue

-wife gets kidnapped by his cousin, who he suspects is in love with her

-wife comes back from kidnapping, hating him and saying the only person she ever cared for was xiaowu -- which is NOT HIM

-his cousin claimed to be xiaowu

when gu jian tries to rescue xiaofeng again, he’s surrounded by palace guards and chengyin goes totally unhinged. he forces xiaofeng to watch as he orders his men to shoot the shit out of gu jian. she tries to look away but he won’t let her. he doesnt even care that a’du, xiaofeng’s best friend and the only one she really has left, is at risk of being shot as well. gu jian dies, and while xiaofeng knows he’s not xiaowu she remembers that they grew up together/at one point he was her beloved teacher and she’s devastated. she tries to starve herself but chengyin threatens to take a’du away forever if she does. it’s fucked up.

-xiaofeng tries to escape multiple times, and he won’t let her/re-captures her. it’s just. sad. really sad, esp since she can’t forgive him for what he did to her family

-after all this shit, west liang decides to rebel and chengyin decides to crush them. because killing one side of xiaofeng’s family tree wasn’t enough, apparently

-xiaofeng rides out to the middle of the battlefield--on one side is west liang, under control of her brother. on the other is li empire, under control of her husband. she threatens to kill herself unless chengyin meets two of her conditions: 1) that he’ll leave west liang the fuck alone for as long as he lives--chengyin agrees, and it’s clear he would say yes to anything she asks because he is freaking out. he even says that if she dies he’ll kill himself, too. which leads to wish 2) he has to live well

which feels like a mixture of selfless love and a little bit of a fuck you? she knows that making him survive after she dies is probably going to be what hurts him the most, but he swore to it. then she slits her own throat while he watches, and he runs by her side and is trying to keep her alive (which is fruitless). and then he’s shoved away from her by her brother, who takes her corpse back to west liang. chengyin grows old, and it’s clear the only thing he’s got is his empire and it’s a lonely fucking life. at some point, he abdicates to his nephew (implying he never had his own family) and goes back into the desert to “find xiaofeng” because he’s in denial that she’s dead and the vibe is that he’s definitely going to die alone out there

#fin

characters who die

-danchi: tömür/xiaofeng’s grandfather, he shi (a’du’s brother/xiaofeng’s friend), yi moyan (xiaofeng’s cousin), batu’er, a good freaking chunk

-west liang: consort/princess mingyuang, ashina yun/xiaofeng’s mother, qu wenchang/xiaofeng’s father goes insane

-li empire: zhao sese goes insane, crown prince #1/chengji, crown prince #2/chengye, the empress, the emperor, gao yuming, li yan, gao zhen, gu ruhui, chang’er, chai mu, ming yue

-main: xiaofeng, gu jian, a’du

#goodbye my princess #the eastern palace #asks!#please god let that cut tag work #gizka does kdrama

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a-table-of-fics · 4 years

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Cull to Adventure, Chapter 4, Draft 1

Marie returned from giving a battery-powered Zapfish plushie to the Octarians’ machine (a tradition started by her grandpa, though she had to admit it was cute) to find Agent 4 on the couch, with his gloves off, doodling on his hand with a marker. Concerned, Marie walked up to him, and saw that he was careful to draw within a tattoo of an abstract crab, arms crossed above its head, done in mostly outline except for two beady eyes. Marie couldn’t help but watch with interest as the boy sketched little ideas and interesting patterns.

Agent 4 looked up to see Marie staring, and jumped back. Marie was surprised at how quickly you could put a glove on.

“Ah, h-hi,” he said, smiling weakly. “So, uh… I’ll be up to looking for the n-next one in a sec…”

“Hey, no rush,” Marie said, calmly. She nodded at the Zapfish that was still swimming in the air around them. “Here, I’ll fix you up some milk tea.”

She disappeared into the small shack. The Zapfish looked at Cull for a moment, then swam to a plug to a nearby power strip, and something (presumably an electric stove) hummed to life in the cabin. Cull always found it amazing how all the Zapfish freely swam around and seemed happy to power things for everyone. Why would the Octarians just strap them to a machine like that? Cull wanted to pet her as he thought about this, but he knew it wasn’t nice to interrupt a working Zapfish.

It wasn’t long until he heard a kettle whistle, and Marie soon came back out, carrying a tray with a teapot, a carton of milk, some sugar, and two foam cups. Placing it on a small coffee table in front of the couch, she went to get a lawn chair and brought it to sit opposite Agent 4. She was silent as she poured and mixed the tea, gently placing a cup in front of him.

He picked up his cup, staring into it to try and avoid Marie’s gaze. He occasionally took a sip, but other than that and a quiet “thank you”, he wasn’t saying anything.

“Y’doin’ all right?” she eventually asked, carefully. “Seemed a lil’ rough out there...”

She smiled politely, but Agent 4 still didn’t want to talk. All the same, she saw the ink rush to his face as he stared even more intently into his tea.

With how much action most Inklings sought out for fun, Marie wasn’t sure what to say. He looked around 13, maybe 14, and he still didn’t seem comfortable with splatting or getting splatted, both of which were often near-daily things for most teens. Seeing him like this was just a sharp reminder of that. Why didn’t she pull him out of there sooner? Poor kid was not prepared for this kind of thing…

She calmly finished her tea as she thought of this, and got up to guide the Zapfish back home.

“Just take it easy for a bit, Agent Fou—”

“P-please,” he finally said, looking up but still avoiding eye contact. “My name is Cull.”

Marie was kicking herself. In her rush to find someone to help her, she didn’t even ask the guy’s name? Sure, it was better to keep his name hidden in enemy territory, but she didn’t even ask before or after? Outwardly, though, she simply nodded.

“All right, then, Cull” she said, carefully taking the Zapfish by her back. “You did…you did all right, kid. Chill out here; you deserve it.”

Cull could hear that tone in her voice again. That strained tone when someone struggled to avoid a certain topic; when Cull was concerned, that usually meant avoiding mention of his tentacles. He just wished someone would flat-out tell him he wasn’t half the Inkling others were; he was sick of being patronized. He watched Marie leave to return the Zapfish to Inkopolis, then turned back to his tea. By now, it was lukewarm at best, but it still tasted good. Well, whatever Marie thought, he did it. He got that Zapfish.

***

Marie walked through the back streets, stroking the Zapfish’s head as she went. There were a few things to consider when it came to where one should be returned. First, of course, there was being discreet (they were trying to prevent another Great Turf War, after all), but there was also the matter of what places needed power and where the Zapfish would be comfortable. Food was important, and luckily this fish seemed all right with the way they were going, so they headed off to Mako Mart, being careful not to be seen.

Marie watched as a couple of the employees cheerfully welcomed the fish back. It never got old, seeing squids, jellies, and various fish cheering on the little guys and welcoming them back.

As she walked back, however, her thoughts turned back to Agent 4. She had sent a kid who never even went into a Turf War headlong into danger! Yeah, Agent 3 didn’t seem like an ideal candidate either, but at least she knew how to hold her own…

Gramps sure knew how to pick ‘em…

Marie sighed. Yeah, Cull did manage to get the Zapfish, but he struggled to fight even the most basic Octotrooper. It made her worry about what would happen if he faced other Octarians, or, Cod forbid, an Octoweapon!

***

Cull was back to sketching on his hand, over a tattoo he had designed himself. While it did help him relax to draw within the outline, and he was quite proud of how it turned out, that didn’t matter when he had gloves covering it up most of the time. He just wasn’t ready to show it off. Right now, he was sketching a red salamander crawling across one of the crab’s abstract claws. Patterns swirled all over its skin as it was curling up to sleep. He was eventually satisfied with it, and his nerves had been soothed for now, so he waved his hand a bit so it could dry, then carefully put his glove back on.

Just in time, too; Marie had come back to the Outpost.

Cull gently placed the headset back on his ears, picking the gun back up with his other hand. That was enough downtime; there were Zapfish to save.

“R-ready for the next one,” he said, voice still wavering a little. He started to move forward, but was stopped by Marie’s green parasol.

“Yeah,” Marie sighed. “About that…”

She had never had a talk like this, and it showed, from how she was avoiding eye contact (impressive, as Cull was doing the same), to the way she paused between each sentence.

“…Look, you did well… But let’s face it, you’re inexperienced. I don’t want to see you getting killed out there. They know to look for another Agent now, and, well…”

She took a deep breath, lifting a finger to halt Cull’s interjection.

“Look, kid, I don’t know if I should thank you or apologize, but I think it’d be best if you got a few Turf Wars under your belt before diving headlong into danger.”

The ex-Agent 4’s view looked from the Splattershot, to Marie, to the kettle site, and finally to the manhole to Inkopolis.

“…L-lemme get changed then…” he said quietly, before heading into the shack. He came out minutes later in his civilian clothes, bereft of a weapon.

“Thank you, though,” Marie said, giving him a reassuring hand on his shoulder. “Don’t go bragging about this, but the Zapfish you rescued? Should power Mako Mart just fine!”

She smiled slightly, giving his back a quick pat and stepping back a little.

“But, seriously, this is a secret operation. Don’t go blabbing.”

She wasn’t too worried about it, him being both nice and meek, but she figured she’d remind him to be sure.

Cull nodded absently, and walked to the manhole back to Inkopolis. He gave a small wave before vanishing from the Outpost.

Coming out from the surface, it suddenly occurred to Cull that the sun was setting. It was certainly darker out, but he could have sworn he wasn’t away from Inkopolis for that long. Those underground Octarian places must have messed with his internal clock; those artificial skies were surprisingly immersive.

Well, it might be a good idea to stock up; there was no telling how long another agent might take to rescue the other Zapfish. Hopefully, Mako Mart had some non-perishables…

As always, Jelfonzo’s was the last shop to close. Cull had emerged just in time to meet with Flage, who was just leaving for the day. Her long green tentacles were shifted into one long piece that flowed behind her, and she wore a pair of large spectacles over purple eyes.

“Oh, hell-oh-ho, Cull!” she waved, with that somewhat sing-song voice of hers. It would be grating on anyone else, but she had an uncanny way of keeping people relaxed around her.

Cull shuffled forward, absently waving to her.

“Long day?”

“Y-yeah,” he nodded, keeping pace with her. “You could say that.”

“Iiii get that,” Flage said. “Just hope the Zapfish allll come back soon…”

She gestured vaguely and slowly as she talked. Cull could already feel himself get less tense. Which made it all the more startling when she suddenly perked up, clapping her hands once.

“Hey! You hear? Mako-oh Mart got one just a half hour ago-oh!”

Cull couldn’t help but smile at that, satisfied at a job well…. Well, a job done, anyway. He tried to be subtle about it, though, and adjusted his beanie to hide that. If someone found out he had anything to do with it, he had no clue what Marie would do…

“Y-ye-nice,” he said, finally, hoping he sounded like he didn’t know.

Flage didn’t seem to notice anything odd, though.

“Yep! Everyone’s movin’ to get to someplace cool right now, you know how hot it is.”

Cull nodded. He wasn’t really thinking of the heat, but yeah, the heat wave was rolling in sooner than he thought it would. To be fair, he was already sweating from the adventure he just had.

“Hmm…Like moths to a la-amp…” Flage mused. “That could be a good piece, don’t you think?”

“Mhm. Topical,” Cull replied.

“I’m thinking lots of yellows to contrast with the cool blues and greys…”

Flage kept musing about her idea for her latest art installment that would prove to be her big break. Cull didn’t mind; it helped keep his mind off things, it was a friendly common interest (sometimes they even gave each other ideas), and he could feel his troubles melt away with her melodic voice.

Still, his mind kept drifting to the Zapfish, and how happy she was to be able to move again. To Flow, and how Miffens’ absence affected her. To the heat wave, and the lack of air conditioning so many Inklings would have to suffer through. He gave little acknowledgements and comments as Flage talked, but his heart clearly wasn’t in it.

“…Aaanyway, I guess I better head off. It’s not gonna paint itse-helf!”

They waved their goodbyes and parted ways. Flage was heading straight home (“Must strike while the iron is hot hot hot!”), but Cull still needed to stock up. Who knew if the heroic Inkling Marie picked would get them all anytime soon?

Flage wasn’t kidding; Cull found he was struggling to even get through the door to Mako Mart. Although, it was less a sardine pack than it was his reluctance to really talk or make eye contact with anyone. A few mumbled utterances of “hi” and “’scuse me”, however, and he could get in without too much issue. Wearing a beanie might not have been the best idea in this weather, and he could see several Inklings taking their own hats off to beat the heat, but Cull wasn’t about to risk what others would say if they saw his haircut.

Not like anyone was really paying any attention to him anyway, thankfully. Most were trying to get a good spot by the vents or in the freezer aisle. The rest were crowding around something, but the throng was so dense Cull couldn’t tell what.

He grabbed a basket (a cart would be impossible in the crowd) and tried to maneuver his way through the aisles. Some even had Inklings lying down on top of them, in the hopes of getting some open air. Cull instinctively grimaced, imagining the guys who worked here wouldn’t be too happy.

After getting some chips, granola bars, and cereals, Cull decided he had enough for a few days. His fridge still had plenty of vegetables and fish, but those wouldn’t last too long…

He was on his way to checkout, keeping his eyes to the ground as he emerged from the aisle, when he saw a mass of feet around him. He looked up and started; he had walked right into the middle of the crowd. He started to tug his beanie down, reflexively, but he saw they weren’t even looking at him. They were all reaching up, jumping, and even trying to climb on top of each other to reach, as it turned out, the very same Zapfish Cull had saved that day. Everyone was making kissy noises, beckoning, and trying to pet and welcome the Zapfish back.

The Zapfish, on the other hand, was mostly just swimming around above, as if she didn’t notice all the Inklings who saw her as their friend and current hero.

Cull wasn’t sure how to feel when she glanced right over him. On one hand, he really didn’t want any attention. On the other, he busted his butt trying to get the girl here; it would be nice if she recognized him outside his outfit when he was still “Agent 4.”

Oh, well. He was just glad they had a place to cool off.

* * *

In his rush to get himself prepared for home, he had completely forgotten that the train there wasn’t powered, either. Not knowing the bus schedule, he had to call a cab. At least he could charge his phone while he was there, even if it was an awkward ride.

It was getting quite dark, and Cull stumbled a bit as he got back into his house. His phone’s light soon revealed a room that was messier than most. Bunched-up balls of paper were littered around every so often, and the remnants of half-cleaned paint splotches and piles of graphite remained on several surfaces. The walls were once white, but they were painted over (by brush and spray can) with half-finished murals, covered in experimental designs and vibrant colors. In some places, one could see faded parts of previous murals.

No place like home.

He sighed, checking the fridge. It was thankfully still colder than room temperature, but he realized he had no way to cook anything. Cull groaned; he really didn’t want snack foods for dinner, but it would have to do.

* * *

Sleep was light for Cull, and not just because of the heat, or the unfulfilling meal. He couldn’t stop thinking about the power outage. The Inklings at Mako Mart. Marie. Flow. The Zapfish.

All these things swam through his head all night. He got up in the early morning, far earlier than usual, but to his shock, he wasn’t feeling groggy at all. Normally, he’d spend his time playing video games and trying some more sketches or colors, but he had something else in mind this weekend.

#cull goes to octo canyon #draft 1 #Chapter 4 #fic #Splatoon #splatoon 2 #cull to adventure full chapter

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thunderbirdthree · 5 years

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Respiratory

Summary: Alan has an asthma ttack during a rescue.

A/N: I based his symptoms around my own, but thankfully I’ve mostly outgrown my asthma and haven’t had a full attack for several years, so my details are maybe a bit hazy.

Also I was a lil drunk writing the first half of this I’ll be honest, but I’ve proofread it so hopefully that’s not too obvious lmao

Alan was in a collapsing building in the middle of an earthquake zone when he first noticed the symptoms. The slight tightening in his chest to where he felt like he was getting only about 75% of a full breath, the crackling sensation when he tried to breathe in too deeply. He coughed, trying to clear his lungs hoping that maybe it was just some dust. No so luck, the tightening only worsened. He knew that he should get on the comms and tell his brothers what was happening. Scott had made him promise when he had become a full fledged member of International Rescue that he would tell them the second he felt like an asthma attack was coming on. It hadn’t happened yet, but as Alan noted with a grimace, it felt like his lucky streak was coming to an end. He went to activate his comms but stopped. The building he was in was unstable enough, they didn’t have the time for Alan to leave and have someone else come in. Decision made he headed further into the building looking for the last few people he knew to be in here. He found them on the next floor up and set his mind on the rescue. Thankfully none of the individuals where injured, just scared and lost in the collapsing building. Alan led them out, trying not to talk, as he wasn’t sure he could at this point. His chest was totally closed and he felt like there was a fist wrapped around his throat. Each breath only let in a little bit of oxygen, and the dust in the building was only making it worse, even wearing his helmet, there seemed to be a small crack letting the dust in. Alan made a mental note to mention that to Brains before it got worse.

He led the group down towards the exit and out the door to where Scott was standing. Great.

“Is that everyone?” His brother asked. Alan managed to give a thumbs up as his group reunited with their friends and family.

“Great, good work everyone, let’s get wrapped up here and head on home.” Scott announced into the comms. Virgil and Gordon responded with an instantaneous “FAB!”. Alan couldn’t get the breathe to do so. He took off his helmet and doubled over, non-stop coughing to try and get his lungs to work properly, even though he knew it would do nothing.

“Alan?” He barely registered Scott’s voice saying somewhere near him. Gasping for breathe, Alan barely noticed the arm wrapping itself around his back, and leading him away. He heard Scott talking, but he was so focussed on not blacking out that he didn’t pick up a word of what was said. He vaguely recognized that he was being led to Thunderbird Two, before his knees buckled and he felt himself be picked up into someone’s arms. He looked up, barely registering Scott’s concerned face before his vision went black.

Alan blinked his eyes open slowly. Virgil was standing over him, holding something over his mouth. His brother shot him a weary smile.

“Hey kiddo.” Alan tried to talk, to ask what happened, but Virgil shook his head.

“No talking, just focus on breathing for me. You had an asthma attack.”

Well that explained it. He looked up at Virgil hoping his brother would elaborate. Virgil sighed, looking down, brushing a strand of hair from Alan’s face.

“I think you gave Scott a heart attack, you know you should have said something as soon as you felt any symptoms.” Virgil’s eyebrows crinkled a touch in disapprovement, but Alan could tell that he was mostly relieved that Alan was ok.

“No.. time.” Alan managed to get out. Virgil sighed,

“I suppose you’re right, the building came down only a couple minutes after you got out. Doesn’t mean Scott still won’t freak out on you, after he smothers you, now relax, let the nebulizer do its job. I’m going to make sure Gordon isn’t close to crashing my ‘Bird.” He smiled down at Alan, running his hand through Alan’s hair before leaving the small infirmary. Alan felt his eyes slip close, exhaustion taking a toll on him.

The next thing he knew someone was gently shaking him awake.

“Alan. Wake up kiddo.” Alan blinked his eyes open to see Scott leaning over him. Alan pushed himself into a sitting position, and Scott helped remove the mask. As soon as he disconnected from the medicated air, Alan started coughing. Scott rubbed his back until it stopped and Alan took some deep breaths, savoring how easy the air entered his lungs.

“You know you’re supposed to tell one of us as soon as you feel like your asthma is acting up, especially in the field.” Scott gently scolded.

“Yeah, I’m sorry, I know.” Alan responded, meekly. Scott sighed,

“You almost got yourself killed, you’ve never had an attack that bad, you scared me kid.” Alan turned his body so he could hug Scott, pressing his face into Scott’s shirt. Scott hugged him back.

“You did good out there, you got them out. Just… be more cautious next time.” Alan nodded. Scott helped him stand up and wrapped his arm around Alan’s shoulders before leading him out of Two’s hanger to find the rest of their family.

#thunderbirds are go #thunderbirds are go fanfic

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lovestill-exists · 3 years

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money

currency. that thing we chasing. i literally told a kid today that i needed to get a covid test so that i could eat tomorrow.

really, thats just an exaggeration though. To be honest, BrUTALLY so-- i am awful with the stuff.

I lost my wallet while running down the beach bed, flirting with the waves up to my ankles. the bitch stole it. ive been feeling that itch of something taking it the entire day. but what did i do? I pushed that sense out of the way, finding it really annoying. but it wasn’t wrong, was it? it never is

i felt like an idiot. especially when i was whispering wishes to the ocean, asking her about something completely different.. i trusted it was listening, answering my questions in its own, vague way the universe typically does.

instead, it swept up my wallet and gave me false hopes. im livid. genuinely mad

also, the job i took the covid test for isnt responding back to me. probably cos theyre on location and i was meant to look for a breakfast place for 40 people, but i didnt.. cos i told them i needed the address. “please send me the address to your location for tomorrow and i can get right on that” but nope. my hiring location scout told me a sad story instead over the phone, where she had awful reception and i couldn't hear half the words she said.. tried to tell her i couldnt hear her very well, that if she could quickly text me the information id need, then i can start doing my job.. but i doubt she heard me.

i called her again after getting back to my apartment to ask for that information

three hours later, she calls back but doesnt leave a voicemail

i call her back half an hour later and she answers, then hangs up.no call back.

and at this point, im not even mad if i dont work tomorrow. free covid test. ill get my results and have these days off again. I can make my doctor’s appointment.

will i be able to pay for the damn appointment. yes.

will it hurt to do it? only my ego..

I only have the foresight to be able to save a shitton of money if i need it.. call it a cautionary evil, quite necessary but.. its not as big of a basin as id like it to be. sometimes i wonder if im good at anything else.. make money on the side doing.. something else besides being a badass on set

cos set life isnt how it used to be. safe, that is.

I’m not above taking pictures of my feet, for instance.

but maybe.. i should look a lil deeper. I’m also not above working a 9-5 again

at least, until i find this thing im meant to be doing, besides rescuing dogs or something.. at least rescuing someone else, instead of someone rescuing me.

My boyfriend had enough foresight to lend me some money so i can get back home safely. i wasn’t even thinking about it. he mentioned how calm i seemed over losing my wallet, how no one could be blamed for going completely insane over it. but im used to it. how much worse does that sound?

Losing your wallet is losing your identity. your name. your address that isnt the one you reside at anymore but the one that felt closer to home in a long LONG time. your totem, the one your mother printed for you to assure that "abundance is always there for you". ha. my two debit cards.. probably my insurance card ive never used. a membership card for go karts in the bay area.. and 23 dollars.

what a loss. and at the same time.. i dont feel it as badly as i should.

like im lost. truly. like why dont i follow my inner instincts ushering me to just shut up and pay attention to it for once? i walked around, paid for things the entire day and everytime my wallet was in my hands, i had a sinking feeling of dread. that i need to keep it safe. and i felt stupid for feeling that way. so conflicted. money never meant so much to me. why was i worried.. was i overspending? was i depending on it too much?

but now i just feel stupid i hadnt listened.. i do that all the damn time. i get a sense of something before it happens and i ignore it. im.. worst at listening to myself than my actual financial responsibilities.

i felt that stupidity every time i stopped at a gas station on the way back to my apartment from LA. The act of taking out cash and walking away from the pump inside to let the guy behind the counter authorize the transaction for me.. I only stopped twice.. the second place i stopped at, i convinced myself to stop simply cos i knew the place well and it would be the quickest stop id make on my trip. i kept second guessing my route back home solely as to whether id be making the right choice to go there.

it was at this gas station that a kid came up to me, mask no where on his face, but swearing he wasnt homeless.. just a lil scared. he needed gas to get home but his card was declined. asked me if i had any cash or if i could cash app him some money, just enough to get home.

I hesitated, thinking in the back of my mind if i was going to be alright to give him anything. i had no cards, no more cash than what i had to get home, and i still needed a covid test to get to, where i was unsure if id had to pay for it out of pocket. told him “Sorry, i dont have an iphone” and hes like “shit.. can i please ask you to pay for at least five dollars, you can stand by the pump-!”

“sorry, i lost my debit cards.. haha”

“oh shiiit.. hahaha..”

“yeah.. but i do have a bit of cash my dude. let me get it for you”

“Oh shit, really?? thank you so much!”

This kid, obviously young, a teenager, looked so relieved. cos the more i said something unhelpful, the more panicked he started to look. and i was gut punched by it. i was this kid, worried about his next paycheck, wondering why i was so bad at money, why i couldnt be responsible.

and im not trying to say that was his deal today, his card could have declined for any real reason. but i was that panicked once. its stupid to feel that way over something so.. fucking stupid. something that rules over everyone a little too much.. when we should really not be worried about our next meal, or when our next job will come. i handed him the cash, booked my covid test and booked it out of there. all so “i could eat tomorrow”

i use money to make things just a lil easier. i dont try too hard to be irresponsible. but definetly dont make myself too responsible either. its just habit otherwise, which could be the only thing keeping me afloat. but there is another lesson im missing too.. maybe still not money related. or if it is.. i clearly dont have the answer for it yet.

still learning that one

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