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tangylemonade · 1 year

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𝙿𝚒𝚜𝚝𝚘𝚕

𝙲𝚒𝚐𝚊𝚛𝚎𝚝𝚝𝚎𝚜 𝚂𝚎𝚛𝚒𝚎𝚜 𝚙𝚝. 1

𝙹𝚎𝚘𝚗𝚐𝚑𝚊𝚗 𝚡 𝚐𝚗 𝚛𝚎𝚊𝚍𝚎𝚛

☔︎︎ : 𝙰𝚗𝚐𝚜𝚝

𝙲𝚘𝚗𝚝𝚊𝚒𝚗𝚜: 𝚂𝚖𝚘𝚔𝚒𝚗𝚐 (𝙹𝚎𝚘𝚗𝚐𝚑𝚊𝚗 𝚜𝚖𝚘𝚔𝚎𝚜)

𝟹:𝟶𝟶 𝚊𝚖 𝚍𝚛𝚊𝚋𝚋𝚕𝚎𝚜

𝚆𝚘𝚛𝚍 𝙲𝚘𝚞𝚗𝚝: 𝙰𝚋𝚘𝚞𝚝 𝟷.𝟹𝚔

𝚃𝚘𝚗𝚒𝚐𝚑𝚝 𝙸 𝚠𝚊𝚜 𝚕𝚒𝚜𝚝𝚎𝚗𝚒𝚗𝚐 𝚝𝚘 𝙿𝚒𝚜𝚝𝚘𝚕 𝚋𝚢 𝙲𝚒𝚐𝚊𝚛𝚎𝚝𝚝𝚎𝚜 𝙰𝚏𝚝𝚎𝚛 𝚂𝚎𝚡 𝚊𝚗𝚍 𝚝𝚑𝚒𝚜 𝚓𝚞𝚜𝚝 𝚔𝚒𝚗𝚍𝚊 𝚜𝚙𝚒𝚕𝚕𝚎𝚍 𝚘𝚞𝚝. 𝙸𝚝’𝚜 𝚊 𝚕𝚒𝚝𝚝𝚕𝚎 𝚊𝚗𝚐𝚜𝚝𝚢 𝚋𝚞𝚝 𝚝𝚑𝚎 𝚎𝚗𝚍𝚒𝚗𝚐 𝚒𝚜 𝚙𝚎𝚊𝚌𝚎𝚏𝚞𝚕. 𝙸 𝚍𝚘𝚗’𝚝 𝚔𝚗𝚘𝚠 𝚠𝚑𝚢 𝚒𝚝’𝚜 𝚏𝚘𝚛 𝙹𝚎𝚘𝚗𝚐𝚑𝚊𝚗 𝚋𝚞𝚝 𝚑𝚎’𝚜 𝚋𝚎𝚎𝚗 𝚘𝚗 𝚖𝚢 𝚖𝚒𝚗𝚍 𝚊 𝚕𝚘𝚝 𝚝𝚑𝚎𝚜𝚎 𝚍𝚊𝚢𝚜. 𝙸 𝚎𝚟𝚎𝚗 𝚑𝚊𝚍 𝚊 𝚍𝚛𝚎𝚊𝚖 𝚊𝚋𝚘𝚞𝚝 𝚑𝚒𝚖 𝚊𝚗𝚍 𝙸 𝚍𝚘𝚗’𝚝 𝚍𝚛𝚎𝚊𝚖 𝚖𝚞𝚌𝚑 𝚊𝚗𝚍 𝚗𝚎𝚟𝚎𝚛 𝚜𝚘 𝚌𝚕𝚎𝚊𝚛𝚕𝚢. 𝙰𝚗𝚢𝚑𝚘𝚠 𝚒𝚏 𝚢𝚘𝚞 𝚛𝚎𝚊𝚍 𝚝𝚑𝚒𝚜 𝚠𝚎𝚒𝚛𝚍 𝟹 𝚊𝚖 𝚝𝚢𝚙𝚎 𝚎𝚖𝚘𝚝𝚒𝚘𝚗𝚊𝚕 𝚠𝚘𝚛𝚍 𝚟𝚘𝚖𝚒𝚝 𝚝𝚘 𝚝𝚑𝚎 𝚎𝚗𝚍 𝚕𝚎𝚝 𝚖𝚎 𝚔𝚗𝚘𝚠 𝚠𝚑𝚊𝚝 𝚢𝚘𝚞 𝚝𝚑𝚒𝚗𝚔 (*^‿^*)

Your sweet scent lingers in his nose. Your laughter played in his memory. His skin always craved your touch. You are an addiction that he can’t cut any more than the cigarettes you hated that he smoked.

You would always say “you know those are bad for you” and he would simply nod before taking another drag. He thought of the way you would gently take the cigarette out of his hand before filling the lingering emptiness with you. The way you would lower yourself onto him, your hands caressing his face as your body wrapped around his and your decadent taste filled his mouth.

“Why would you smoke when you could just kiss me?” You’d asked once.

Your question was silly. You knew it was and so did he. He had to laugh at your adorableness before he could answer.

“You’ve got a point.” he said before squeezing you against him. “I also wish I could kiss you every time I needed a cigarette.”

“Whenever you’re with me you can.” You said softly before lifting his lips to you and blessing them once again.

Now he took a drag of his cigarette while he looked over the city.

He smoked a lot more these days but cigarettes didn’t relax him, even so the chilly autumn air on the balcony was sobering. You were only asleep on the bed yet you still felt so very far away.

You hadn’t said much to him recently. You haven’t even looked at him.

Simple words we’re only hummed as you brushed past each other like ghosts.

Everyone talked about how hard long distance relationships are but nothing could’ve prepared you for how hard it could be when the person you love starts to feel like a stranger.

Missing each other wasn't something new. Ever since missed calls and forgotten promises you’ve been like passing ships in the night.

Now that you’re finally back together you weren’t even sure that you knew the person that laid next to you every night.

Well, not every night. Sometimes Jeonghan would crash at a friend’s, sometimes he would fall asleep in his chair.

His neck would ache in the morning but Jeonghan thought staring at your silent back was more painful. You even used a separate blanket.

In the morning he would try to rub away the pain and you felt strange for wanting to help.

You came in late again, showered, and went straight to bed. You didn’t even eat.

You had been so happy when you finally got transferred back to Korea that you didn’t even think about how much you had missed.

You didn’t even use the brand of shampoo that was still left in the shower from your last time here. When was that?

You couldn’t even remember what was more important than the flights you kept missing.

Work had been stressful for Jeonghan. He still wished he could kiss you. A strange craving, a familiar craving, one that was distant as it was violent.

Instead he took another drag, the warmth of the cigarette filling his lungs, instead of you.

Waking to the scent of a freshly lit cigarette was nothing foreign to you. You rolled over and looked at the man sitting in your balcony chair, the cigarette he had just taken a drag from now resting delicately between his slender fingers.

Has he lost weight?

You’d be lying if you said you didn’t miss the feeling of his body against you, the taste of his mouth, his warm scent that always smelled of soft cotton and something sweet like vanilla or cinnamon.

That and his favorite brand of cigarettes.

You were so exhausted and achy you winced when you rolled over.

Work was still hard here, an excuse you told yourself when you buried deep in it and came home later and later. You blinked back the stinging in your eyes ready to sleep again.

That is until you heard something that sounded of the faintest sniff.

Was he crying? Now more awake than ever, you strained your ears and listened again. You heard another sniff and this time you sat up.

You squint to see him in the faint glow of city lights.

He startled when he noticed you awake, quickly wiping his face.

“I’m sorry.” Was the first thing that rolled off his tongue. In the ten years you knew him you’d seen him cry a handful of times.

“Did I wake you?” He asked in a low voice.

He’d definitely been crying.

You shook your head no. A simple lie. You were afraid to sadden him anymore then he already was. “I had a bad dream.” You continued, the last part feeling less like a lie.

Slowly you stood, pushing aside the way pain shot through your feet and rested in your lower back. You only thought of the way your heart now ached from his dimmed eyes looking at you with longing.

You sat across from him and he quickly avoided your gaze.

Tentatively you brought your hand to his face feeling his damp cheek against your shaking fingers. You weren’t sure if it was okay but your hand acted on its own.

Jeonghan didn’t stop you. He leaned his face into your warm hand.

“Hannie?” You said softly, your mouth moving naturally to pronounce the endearing name it missed. “What’s the matter?”

He brought his cigarette to his lips and you intercepted it, acting again on instinct, sliding it between your fingers and placing it on the tray. Now he looked at you, his eyes catching the light from the moon.

“It’s hard to say.” He answered quietly.

“What is?” You asked, knowing the answer that you also fought to deny.

“Nothing. I don’t know. But… it’s all… it’s all hard.”

He paused to take a breath before continuing. ”Just… this.”

“Happy birthday.” Was all you could whisper, tears catching in your throat.

It had only just occurred to you what today was. You’d missed it. You’d never done that before. God, what was wrong with you? What happened to you?

He looked into your eyes, surprise mixed on his face with heartache.

“I’m sorry, I forgot. I didn’t get you a present.” Tears fell down your face. You felt awful for crying.

Jeonghan caught your tears with gentle fingers. Suddenly grabbing your hand he softly pulled you towards him. You fell into his lap just as you always did.

Even this simple motion was comforting.

Your body remembered what you had stupidly forgotten.

Jeonghan had been holding his breath. Hearing you say the words that he's quietly been wishing for all day was like the breath of air you’d take when you thought you’d never again. A hopeful resuscitation. The tears that fell down your face gave him courage. You remembered.

“I don’t want to lose you.” He whispered softly. The tears that you had wiped away moments before spilled once more.

“Tell me that you still love me.” He spoke before he could bite his tongue again.

“I love you.” Your heart answered for you and quickly you voiced it before you couldn’t. You buried your face into his shirt as another sob shook you.

“I miss you.” Jeonghan whispered softly, afraid to break the moment.

The gates were open and for once it wasn’t just sadness, there was also relief.

And regret.

And even disappointment.

These were things you never let yourself feel before because they made it hard to breathe. Now they calmed you. You both knew there was more to mend but now it no longer felt daunting.

The cigarette had burnt out like incense.

The bed was warm to Jeonghan tonight because he could see your face, it was warm to you because he held your hand.

Part 2

𝚃𝚑𝚊𝚗𝚔 𝚢𝚘𝚞 𝚏𝚘𝚛 𝚛𝚎𝚊𝚍𝚒𝚗𝚐 ఌ

𝙸𝚏 𝚢𝚘𝚞'𝚛𝚎 𝚒𝚗𝚝𝚎𝚛𝚎𝚜𝚝𝚎𝚍 𝚒𝚗 𝚖𝚘𝚛𝚎 𝚘𝚏 𝚖𝚢 𝚠𝚘𝚛𝚔 𝚌𝚕𝚒𝚌𝚔 𝚑𝚎𝚛𝚎!

🔁 Please RE-BLOG if you enjoyed! 🔁

Authors note: It seems a little too off brand for me to write something angsty so let me know if I should write a little smut to wrap up this story 😆

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