🥲 i love the idea of bucky going back to his roots , remembering his family , his culture , indulging himself into books and music and always ever the student

this week's thunderb.olts spoilers below but , scopophobia tw /

jdskfgh aside the fact that they made bucky look ... a lot more younger ( or maybe it's a reflection of how much time he's lost in the war and everything else ) , that bucky did try having a sense of normalcy.

he tried not dwelling in his past ( and in some ways , he doesn't so much anymore ) , he tried what it was like being more like a regular civilian , but his mind is just constantly racing because it's all it's been doing for decades. thinking of contingency plans , having eyes on the back of his head , keeping track of safehouses , potential threats and just a large network of people he's keeping an eye on before and after becoming the new revolution.

like the guy's dreams are horrific : ( devil's reign )

that and including dreams he's had during ww2 ( captain america and bucky #623 )

and there will be some good days for sure !! there will definitely be some good days where he feels like he can rest , sigh , sleep a little more easily. i mean he's said it himself , that “ every time things are finally stable ... finally good ... something happens ... to wreck it all. “ ( captain america #616 ) after his not guilty verdict in court. he does really think that the trajectory of his life is going to be the next fight , the next battle , the next war ??

... explains his aversion to a lot of relationships / the idea of starting a family. he just doesn't think he can do it , not in this life anyway. he's happy helping others , and though he would like to be the quiet helper ( the advice giver , the guy who helps patch you up , the backup ) , he firmly believes that there's a lot of more fucking work to do before he can even taste that. to be the quiet helper is probably the closest to normalcy he'll get in this life , and he's definitely working hard to gain that peace , he's still at least hopeful in that reality.

: ( side character to main character to side character again bucky. but i am just happy he has the trust and the ability to rely on the thunderbolts for now. and alpine , always.

i'm rambling but i think these thoughts have been in my head for some time ! i'm happy to see that bucky has someone he can share his brain with.

it's onto the next mission for bucky , because HELLO ?? HIS TARGETS ??

i've said this on my archive, so i'm bringing it back: pls don't forget that bucky would lie to your muse if he needed to :')

: )))  the  way  i  have  too  many  thoughts  and  not  enough  time.  “it’s  all  i’ve  thought  about  for  months,”

do yall?? notice how bucky sometimes. holds his breath when your muse is tending to his wounds …

concept  living  in  my  mind  rent  free?  just  tws  [undercover]  as  bucky  and  the  shift  from  bucky  to  tws  with  every  passing  moment.  the  visible  change.

𝚆𝙷𝚈 𝙳𝙾 𝚈𝙾𝚄 𝙷𝚄𝚁𝚃?

BECAUSE YOU CANNOT HOLD FREEDOM: the  sky  is  only  air.  the  ocean  is  only  water.  the  only  freedom  you  will  ever  have  is  breathing,  drawing  this  air  again  &  again  &  again  &  again.  you  have  to  exhale,  and  it  costs  you  something  -  you  have  to  quench  your  thirst  and  it  comes  back  again  -  there  is  nothing  solid  in  being  free,  it  is  not  a  status  to  be  achieved  but  an  action  to  do.  free  is  an  active  status,  and  you  worry  you'll  somehow  forget.  there  are  people  who  would  control  you.  there  are  orders  you  could  obey.  you  keep  coming  back  to  take  this  next  breath,  your  own  part  of  the  forever-freedom  of  the  sky,  but  sometimes  you  think  to  hold  your  breath.  it  is  deceptively  peaceful  underwater.  you  don't  know  if  you  would  notice  it  if  you  started  drowning.

TAGGED BY: @elencr ♡ TAGGING: @pistoiet, @whitesuited, @hexsreality, @espercr, @crimefightr, @0shit, @dcmure, @antispidcr, @honeyedxhearts ( for anyone ! ), and you !!

ARE YOU A SOLDIER, A POET OR A KING?

A KING: "there  will  come  a  ruler  whose  brow  is  laid  in  thorn  smeared  with  oil  like  david's  boy"  duty.  strength.  resignation.  you  were  told  to  do  things  and  you  did  them.  the  world  is  something  that  was  put  into  your  hands  and  that  you  must  deal  with  -  so  you  will.  you  have  a  rigid  back  and  steady  hands,  either  metaphorically  or  physically.  is  it  nature  or  nurture  ?  you  don't  know.  you  are  tired  of  being  steady.  you  dream  of  feeling  alive.  not  that  you  aren't,  but,  sometimes,  it's  hard  to  remember  that  there  is  a  heart  between  your  ribs.  your  love  is  where  you  breathe.  come  on,  breathe.  in.  out.  it  starts  now.  art:  st  catherine  of  alexandria,  guido  reni

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can  you  imagine  a  time  where  bucky  feels  safe  enough  to  ramble  on  about  something?  something  strange  that  happened  to  him  some  day,  or  something  he  remembers  or  something  new  he’s  experienced,  or  HIS  INTERESTS  ??  just  bucky  losing  track  of  time,  but  in  a  positive  way  ...  is  making  me  all  soft

𝚆𝙷𝙰𝚃 𝚃𝚈𝙿𝙴 𝙾𝙵 𝚂𝚈𝙼𝙿𝙷𝙾𝙽𝚈 𝙰𝚁𝙴 𝚈𝙾𝚄?

THE NOCTURNE: THE RISE: there  is  a  darkness  which  has  tormented  you,  and  the  genius  lament  burdens  you,  but  fear  not ...  you  are  the  pull  of  the  tide  and  the  light  of  the  moon  on  a  winter  path.  you  are  the  soft  notes  which  increase  in  intensity  till  the  pianist  pours  over  the  keys  with  such  passion  it  can  only  bring  tears  to  your  eyes.  you  cannot  do  things  halfway  though  you  yearn  for  it,  and  you  envy  those  blessed  with  blissful  ignorance,  but  in  the  end,  you  know  you'd  not  have  it  any  other  way  --  you  are  the  rise  they  are  afraid  of  till  they  cannot  look  away. / YOUR SONG: nocturne  in  c  minor  by  chopin

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♡  nbd,  just  thinking  about  all  the  different  cultures  bucky  or  tws  would’ve  been  exposed  to.  the  changes  in  his  voice  when  he’s  speaking  particular  languages.  how  much  his  long  island  brooklyn  accent  comes  out  when  speaking  english  ...  how  warmer  his  tone  gets  when  he’s  speaking  romanian.  what  he  tends  to  talk  about  (  or  NOT  talk  about  )  more  in  other  languages  ...  this  is  DEFINITELY  not  an  invitation  to  teach  him  new  things,  nooo  ...  👀

it  brings  a  certain  type  of  mood,  just.  bucky  doing  regular  things,  just  seeing  him  do  grocery  shopping  ...  picking  up  food  for  him  and  alpine  at  the  grocery  store,  stopping  at  a  sandwich  place  he  likes,  being  in  his  apartment  and  there’s  still  laundry  to  be  folded.  like  how  his  apartment  smells  like  probably  coffee,  or  there’s  a  small  bunch  of  dried  lavender  taking  up  some  space  in  the  bookshelf  he  bought  himself  ...  sticky  notes  that  remind  him  to  water  the  plants,  or  some  list,  leftovers  in  the  fridge.  dishes  drying,  whatever  it  might  be  ...  aside  from  all  the  weapons  he  keeps  hidden  throughout  the  house  ...  (  and  the  notebooks  he  still writes  in  ).  or  even  just  bucky  out  doing  holiday  shopping  bc  tis  the  season

...  but  also  there  are  just  too  many  choices  of  cereal  in  grocery  store  shelves,  it’s  kind  of  overwhelming.

just  thinking  of  how  well  bucky  falls  into  the  role  he  thinks  he  needs  to  be  in  so  quickly,  so  easily  ??  how  his  countenance  softens,  how  easily  he  can  fake  a  laugh,  his  voice  warming  up,  or  just  thinking  of  the  verse  where  we  have  tws  acting  as  bucky,  just  made  to  believe  that  he  was  in  deep  cover  for  years  🙃

it  all  seems  a  little  too  familiar  somehow  ...  hmm  ...  ofc  he  keeps  some  fighting  styles  /  techniques  from  his  time  as  tws.  when  he  has  to

another  day,  another  moment  spent  thinking  about  how  easily  bucky  would  lie  to  your  muse  if  he  thought  he  needed  to  /  thought  he  should.  could  be  small,  telling  them  that  he’s  fine  or  that  he’s  not  bothered  by  something  or  him  just  hiding  what  he’s  been  up  to.  entire  missions,  letting  them  in  on  just  basic  details  or  something  different  all  together  :’)

because  of  that  one  scene  in  tf/atws  where  he’s  just  “👀  i... didn’t  do  anything.”  ayo,  sometimes  he  chooses  to  be  a  bad  liar.  for  one  reason  or  another.  or,  on  a  somewhat  unrelated  note,  just  the  idea  that  bucky  takes  what  people  think  of  him  and  uses  it  to  his  advantage?  there’s  plenty  of  people,  i’m  sure,  that  don’t  know  about  his  code  words  not  working  anymore...  and  a  handful  of  other  things  people  know  about  him  or  tws.  playing  to  people’s  expectations  so  that  he  can  find  a  way  forward  or  out.

“does  steve  know  you’re  here?” bucky:  “if  this  conversation  goes  how  i  think  it  will  go,  steve’s  better  off  staying  the  hell  away.”