continue from here ! / @remediumad.

The nape of his neck tingles with the idea of stopping so soon             /             Utah isn’t close, nearly West Coast, damn Fireflies ( choosing the farthest possible location, of course, possibly to spite joel specifically )             /             but looking back, there’s no way to continue with aching ahead. The only person that matters if they hurt is that squirt             /             &&. he’s not carrying unless she’s dying.

( instructions were clear : the kid is to not die. immunity or whatever. joel’s not one to diss hope, especially tess, but god. this gets more &&. more ridiculous every second he thinks about it. )

❛ Highway’s not great, kid. Make it three more blocks, we’ll make shelter, alright ? Some house we’ll clear, barricade. It’ll work for a night. ❜ Activity gets worse everywhere, at all hours, but it’s harder at night, for them             /             lots of crawling, running, not a ton of time to rest if they continue             /             better to make do. Joel used to be a great cook, alas              /               two decades of rations from the quarantine zones doesn’t help a man’s recipes !             /             they’ll both make do with what they have. What he can accomplish, reasonably.

( with any luck, they can siphon gas from a stuck car. some people still have gas stoves, they can make something. it’ll be better than finding rations, possibly expired, in old pantries, or having to rely on whatever the hell they find accidentally. if she doesn’t look, he can make anything edible. rats, birds, whatever. if she doesn’t look, she can’t gag. )

❛ Do kids these days still take afternoon naps, too ? ❜ Joel dodges commenting on the pain ; it’d do them both some good to save on making light — or degrading — comments on each others’ pain.             /             Joel’s not great, but he has some semblance of humanity left, after all. Who can make fun of a kid’s pain ; it’s not like they can help it             /             &&. Joel resists the ‘ girl dad ’ urge to check on her, make sure she’s eaten — of course she hasn’t. He’s been with her the whole damn time. He would know !

[ SEEN ] for receiver to find sender after they’ve killed someone. 

Like speaking to a startled horse, Joel’s mouth purses into a frown            /            creeping down next to Ellie, he puts a slow &&. meticulous hand to her shoulder - blade            /            even through the fabric of her shirt &&. jacket, he can feel the parts of her skin that are soaked with cold sweat            /            poking through her defenses and revealing that she, too, like any other fourteen year old girl in the apocalypse            /            is capable of fear.

❛ Ellie, ❜ Joel says, mouth picking out the air laden with cotton in the air. ( tensions high, after the moment of death. ) He remembers the first person he killed in the apocalypse            /            his neighbor, in front of Sarah, the day of the Outbreak. He remembers being more terrified for his daughter, young &&. feeble ; ( more fear than he feels for ellie in this moment. she's been through hell. ) he remembers the way his hands shook, trembling beyond recognition.

( he knew, right then, if it came down to it            /            he could not aim another shot in the head. he’d fail, miss            /            he’d kill them both in a home he never paid off. )

❛ You did the right thing, okay ? They came at us. That’s how it is, sometimes. Don’t make you bad. ❜ Makes her a killer. Makes him a serial murderer. Makes them both people who are surviving at any            /            cost, no matter what it            /            does to their psyche. When he looks at Ellie, he pictures her as his own daughter            /            a girl born post - Outbreak Day, he didn’t know they had hospitals anymore            /            or running water, plumbing is hard to come by.

What kinda life did she have before he had her ? Them, together, what the oddball pair            /            his girl and a man who’s not her father.

( wouldn’t have it any other way. )

❛ What we’ll do is we’ll find a river next .. ❜ a pause, &&. a solid rub to her back            /            reminding her she’s alive, he’s alive            /            she won’t be left behind, not again. ❛ I’ll give you my water bottle, and you’ll wash off the blood. It’s still fresh, so it’ll just rinse off. I’ll give you my jacket, and everything’ll be just fine, girl. Here, get up with me. ❜

This is the part where he says she isn’t beyond hope. And that, despite killing someone, or hurting them, hurting people’s feelings and all that shit, doesn’t make her bad. Doesn’t give people the excuse or right to leave her behind, abandon her. This isn't the part of the story where someone can chuck her aside to the next available smuggler. This is the part where Joel has to make it all okay. ( he never was good at those times. )

❛ That’s my roughen toughen girl. I’m proud’a you. ❜            /            It wasn’t alright.            /            ❛ For keeping yourself safe, most o’ all. That’s the sorta story to take away from things like this. Hurtin’ people, happens. Apocalypse ? Happens. But you, girl, you gotta survive. ❜            /            people like them are gonna go to hell.            /            ❛ For me, if not for you. ❜

from this meme.

❛ you’re not my father. ❜

❛ Does it look like I wanna be your damn dad, kid ? ❜ Joel’s voice is rough, not coincidentally. His guns are heavy on his waist, dragging his elastic waistband thinner &&. thinner ; not a ton of places to get better or more jeans, in the end of the world as he knew it. Looking down at Skinny Miss Scrawny herself, runt of the litter and probably a shit shot, ( an unfair comparison to himself ; in the end, she’s still just a baby ) creasing his face is not an option he can much help. ( marlene is some fuckin’ woman to have convinced on to take a child, younger than his would be this year.            /            how old was she when she died, how many years ago — ? )

❛ You, me, Utah, that’s it. That’s all I promised to Marlene, and you know that good &&. well enough, Ellie. ❜ Ellie. He always considers calling her ‘ Elizabeth ’ just to see if it’ll make her mad, but damn parents these days — the ones who still thought it was in their right damn minds to have kids after Outbreak Day might have just called her ‘ Ellie ’ downright ; no longer version or anything. What’d they think it was gonna do, save ’em time ?            /            at least Tommy’s name is — was, who knows right now ? — ‘ Thomas ’ / at least he himself did not get named Joe, and had that sanctified ‘ L ’ attached to make it a full name            /            Ellie might’ve not gotten that privilege, little rat girl.

( rat, ‘cuz she’s dirty, not that he’s much better — girl, not lady, ‘cuz she’s tiny — but, come to think of it, sarah would’ve been older than her, could’ve been her damn mom. whoever was out there, having tried to parent this little mouse - trap, sarah could have done it. horrible thought. would they have been friends ? they lived so rural, back then, he hadn’t put her in school yet. kindergarten, elementary, that’d all been homeschooled, taught by her pops and people ‘round the area about all sorts of things. would she have taught ellie the same way ?               /                would it have mattered, really, born in the apocalypse, who needs math &&. social studies anymore ?               /             sarah could’ve made friends with a brick wall, &&. she certainly did with her dad, all the neighbors loved her to bits n’ pieces, to no credit of his own !           /            if he had kept her alive, would marlene still have taken advantage of the fact that he used to be a ‘ girl dad ’ would she have loved sarah just the same ? more ?          /            and that was ’fore she ever even met him ! how’d the hell she’d think he’d be good at this ? he had a hard time being nice to sarah when it didn’t matter ; over shows &&. boys she saw on the tv, he’d always said something tommy made him apologize for            /            shit ! this was gonna be a long, long journey. )

In horrible ways, this thought process hurts his heart in new, crushing bits ; no matter how he feels, it doesn’t change how things went. That soldier, the crash ; ending up somewhere in Boston, no matter his selfish, wishes - things - were - different fantasies, Ellie will never meet Sarah.

❛ Keep your eyes on the road, girl. And don’t forget, you’re my ears, if you hear one of their awful sounds when I do not notice, you tell me. No bullshit. Stop makin’ chit - chat. ❜