◟    🪦     𝐉𝐎𝐇𝐍  𝐕𝐒  𝐆𝐔𝐈𝐋𝐓: a delusional one woman essay.

john     and     his     guilt     hold     a     very     complex     relationship     with     one     another.     it's     a     strength     and     a     weakness,     in     a     business     where     it's     bad     luck     to     look     back,     (     there's     too     many     bloody     ghosts     following     behind.     )     guilt     is     always     there     as     an     old     friend,     a     starved     dog     and     the     crux     that     haunt     his     narrative.     it's     the     very     thing     he's     born     into     feeling     . . .

( note: below the cut will delve into heavily triggering topics, which is listed in the tags, read at your own risk. )

after     the     death     of     his     mother;     the     guilt     of     taking     a     life,     for     destroying     a     home     before     it     was     fully     built     (     it's     important     to     note:     the     death     of     his     mother     isn't     his     fault.     but,     instead     of     being     something     usually     self     inflicted,     the     beginnings     of     this     is     a     mix     of     confused     grief     for     guilt     -     projected     upon     by     his     father     -     and     desperation     for     his     approval,     for     his     love.     )     the     feeling     becomes     mixed     with     teenage     anguish,     anger     for     the     world     and     his     father.     at     sixteen     tying     his     father's     soul     and     cursing     a     dead     cat     to     bring     a     slow,     painful     death     to     enact     vengeance.     it's     immediate,     realising     how     extreme     he     took     things,     (     and     with     no     way     to     reverse     the     spell,     because     there's     always     a     price     to     pay.     )     john     buried     the     cat     with     formaldehyde     and     his     very     first,     visceral     experience     with     guilt.

he     then     leaves,     explores     the     edges     of     london     in     his     twenties,     and     he     is     angry.     furious     at     the     world,     wrathful     at     his     faith,     destructive     towards     himself.     called     killer     by     his     own     father     for     so     long,     (     and,     in     such     morbid     humour,     it's     almost     prophetic.     )     and     alongside     the     flight     or     fight,     the     constant     duck     and     weave,     his     heavy     reliance     on     magic     finalises     his     path     of     self     destruction.     magic     is     a     tool,     a     survival     tactic,     a     confidence     boost     even.     he     feels     entirely     guilty     for     leaving     his     father     and     sister,     but     it's     drowned     out     by     punk     music,     constant     drinking     and     smoking,     and     magic.   

then     came     along     astra     logue.     where     his     one,     first     and     only,     true     samaritan     act     led     to     an     innocent     girl     being     condemned     to     hell.     john     didn't     know     her     until     that     faithful     night,     but     he     certainly     recognised     her.     trapped     by     an     abusive     father,     deep     down,     perhaps     if     he     could     save     her     then     there'd     be     some     absolution     to     what     he     experienced     in     his     own     childhood.     but     he's     desperate,     and     reckless,     and     he's     left     to     carry     that     guilt     until     he     meets     astra     in     hell.     those     who     were     there     in     newcastle     solely     place     the     blame     on     john,     in     ravenscar     he's     viewed     as     nothing     but     a     guilty     man     who     killed     an     innocent     girl     (     and     after     experiencing     such     a     traumatic     experience,     sent     to     an     asylum     where     he'd     be     abused     and     drugged     -     how     else     are     you     suppose     to     view     yourself     ?     )     

and     the     cycle     of     guilt and anger     repeats     and     repeats.     it     happens     again     with     gary     lester     (     his     body     used     to     trap     the     demon     mnemoth     ),     ray     monde     (     leaving     him     defenceless     with     a     then     girlfriend,     while     out     investigating     )     past     lovers     (     emma,     zed,     kit,     oliver     -     the     fear     of     commitment,     the     tendency     of     their     association     with     them     often     resulting     in     some     sort     of     danger.     )     the     ghosts,     which     remains     to     be     uncertain     given     how     fractured     his     grasp     on     reality     is     /     himself     being     an     unreliable     narrator,     can     also     be     viewed     as     physical     manifestations     of     his     guilt.     appearing     at     times     where     john     is     at     his     very     low     in     his     self-loathing     and     hatred. when his appearance looks worse for wear.     and     even     with     himself:     in     all     of     his     lonesome,     guilt     remains     a     constant     reminder     to     do,     and     to     be,     better     than     every     supercilious     divine     and     unholy     being     that     looks     down     upon     humanity,     and     refuses     to     see     them     as     nothing     but     collateral.

however,     if     john     is     given     a     chance     to     choose     doing     the     right     thing     or     the     thing     that'll     save     his     skin,     (     his     friends     and     loved     ones     if     he     can,     as     he     finds     his     own     worth     in     them.     )     john     will     instinctively, and destructively,     choose     himself.     because     in     this     cycle,     in     this     guilt,     he's     entirely     alone     and     that     is     his     burden     to     carry.     it's     his     very     guilt     that     has     almost     become     a     tool     for     him     over     the     years.     it's     what     keeps     him     standing,     what     makes     him     a     right     bastard,     (     but     one     that     holds     so     much     compassion     and     love,     )     as     he     knows     grief     comes     but     guilt     remains,     always     will     and     always     have.

no     one     truly     knows     or     understands     how     guilty     he     is     besides     him     and     g-d,     (     but     after     abandoning     his     faith     in     his     teen     years,     and     coming     to     terms     with     the     truth:     no     one     will     save     them,     humanity,     except     them.     )     people     will     pass     judgement     and     observation,     call     him     a     bastard     and     every     insult     under     the     sun,     because     he'll     carry     that     too.     

guilt,     at     the     end     of     the     day,     when     all     his     friends     leave     and     no     one     else     remains,     guilt     has     been     the     very     friend     john     can     rely     on     and     his     own     tormentor.     

◟    🪦     ›› YOU'RE A DOG . . . I'M YOUR MAN

john constantine edits 1 / ?

inexplicable     would     be     the     closest     word     to     describe     the     bond     francis     '     chas     '     chandler     and     john     constantine     share.     a     bond     intwined     of     love     and     hate,     taut     by     misplaced     trust     and     utmost     sincerity.     both     survivors     of     childhood     and     what     cruelty     lingered     on     london's     streets;     where     john     goes     chas     follows,     where     chas     departs     john     haunts.     no     matter     how     cold     or     distant,     there's     a     deep,     unspoken     understanding     shared     between     them     that     draws     each     other     back.     a     real,     nasty     addiction     (     the     label     of     enabler     shared     between     them,     like     a     knowing     look one gives another     )     and     yet,     one     can't     help     the     affection     in     the     eyes     and     the     anger     in     the     hands.     the     feeling     is, well,     inexplicable. 

i need everyone to know that john ( while hates how capitalistic and americanised the whole thing has morphed into ) doesn't despises halloween but is certainly working overtime. starting the night with a few possessions, dealing with the odd changling and fae trying to crash some halloween party, then scaring the local trick or treaters away from the haunted house down the street with ghost stories ( some leave frightened, others are kind enough to give john some of their sweets ), trying to get a pint or two down until an inccubi tries to take shots with his own blood, wanders through the city's cemetery redirecting zombies back to their graves instead of trying to eat their loved ones brains, catching a train with ghosts vanishing and appearing while the overhead lights flickers . . . all to find himself in the backrooms of papa midnite's club playing poker amongst an eldritch terror, a cosmic witch, a poltergeist and dracula, turning sweets into chips to throw into the pile.

thinking bout john and his wardrobe and how it's such a visual reflection of him and his mental state, and even to an extent his financial state. the three consistent staples of a white collared shirt, black slacks and a tie almost transcending the classes and yet ?? there's an illusion of power that comes from the upper class, an exclusivity of sort, with the 'suit and tie' look. but at the same time, it's also synonymous with the average working class man (especially when you look at the british working strike in the 20s / post war, industrialisation, etc) in the same sense you can find those three pieces anywhere. and the way john deep down knows this. the way he can blend in the city crowds without drawing too much attention when he's in his usual state of self loathing and doubt. on days have worn the same things over and over, because he's unable to afford much else or has nowhere to go to have his things cleaned. or when he's wearing the iconic stunning blue suit (i'd imagine it was a small fortune he bought for himself in his early twenties, or a suit stolen from his uncle shortly after he left for london in his teens) as a way to draw power and attention to him, and as a means of assimilating amongst the rich when needing to, where he feels more confident and definitely looks like it as well. like he says underneath the cut, "if the world won't let you play nice, you play smart." john understands the power of illusion, of trickery, it's why when he first started he rocked the blue suit and trenchcoat when he got into the occult game ! it's when you look deeper you'll notice the original doc martens boots all scuffed and battered, sometimes the cuffs may be a little frayed at the edges, the tie is slightly uneven, or how his broken watch and sentimental star of david necklace could use a much needed polish. it's a wolf in sheep's clothing situation- valuing the power of pride in an appearance (have an average man and a billionaire stand side by side, wearing the same tie and slacks - one slightly oversized and unironed, the other tailored and steamed, how else would you tell the difference?)

there's something to say about the roles and influence played by heaven and hell in terms of environment. because john interacts with demons (or those who aren't considered 'holy' — which to john, is just another title of exclusivity like prince or prick) more often than not. he's a witness to their greed, to their envy, this desperation for souls and what better way to collect more is to directly interact with humans ? make bets, invite them to indulge. with heaven, there's the obvious prideful attitude that comes with the wings and halo set, but what really drives john angry at heaven is their sin of sloth. their attitude is lazy, blasé. heaven and its' creatures, at their core, are apathetic. they don't care for what happens to humanity, after all g-d did flood the world once — why shouldn't he do it again if it's in the divine plan ? their facade of innocence to this apathy enrages him, especially as someone who has asked for heaven's help or at least some sort of sign, and all he got was silence. heaven is so desired and yearned for, and yet, it's nothing more than some exclusive posh club with a bizarre dress code and probably overpriced drinks. and if anything, for all of hell's greed, for all of their sins, at least they're honest about their nature, ( or at least as honest as a demon can get. )