#…I literally handpainted cards for 2 Weeks Late birthday cards as a way to…IDK?? give away art? it’s cheap?
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I have a plan. Trusted people say it’s a good plan. I do not know if I have the courage to do said plan.
#tiger’s roar#socializing crap#…it is. terrifying. to be the one to reach out#and constantly worrying I’m reading things wrong#wanting things too soon. risk being smothering and Scary#…I literally handpainted cards for 2 Weeks Late birthday cards as a way to…IDK?? give away art? it’s cheap?#and made FOUR spicejars of rocks#to not leave anyone out. to give ONE a jar of rocks#i just. i don’t know if I have the nerve#did all that scheming to ‘hey wanna see something neat?? thinking about you’ and. idk if I have the courage#wHAT aRE tHEY eVEN gONNa dO wITH iT TiGER?!#is…a constant thought. because having something to try and hold onto is…always awkward#and. good god. i’m still scared to even stand next to this guy and sing again#because doing so Imediately got him teased and scared off#like…things feel consistantly friendly now. but. that’s Vibes.#we still haven’t had another Real conversation#but then again. he did catch me in two different upsets…and it didn’t scare him#No One can actually tolerate me when I stress cry. let alone have a defensive cptsd reaction#or get cranky if my Real Feelings leak out when truly asked#and that all seems…accepted? is it too soon to say that? who knows#like. sure /I’d/ like to get a handmade card and bottle of Neat Collected Stuff#and my therapist encouraged me to go for it#that it’d be a good way to Show ‘hey I care about you guys’#in a way that takes Time but isn’t really a Cost to make it awkward#(you collect rocks off the ground. the bottles are just washed recycling. I already had watercolors#(and want to have the Courage to give away art to say. family#(and my friends all said that ‘Tiger we’d LOVE to recieve this too!’#(which yeah. already a plan. already planning what to paint fam and hopefully not have their crit sink my esteme yet again)#how much is Insecurity. how much is Rationality. idk.
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